Kellan Lutz Appreciation Day

Come on ride the Kellan train and ride it!

Dear Kellan-

Most people might not know but you were the very first person we ever wrote a letter to so you hold quite a special place in our hearts. But it seems as of lately Letters has been ruled by the holy trinity of: The Jailbait, the Sourpuss and the Holy Rob with little time left over for that hot brother. So since we declared yesterday Mike Newton Appreciation Day I’ve decided to declare today, a Sunday (of course!) Kellan Lutz Appreciation Day. I know a ton of our readers are HUGE Kellan fans and heck, we love your face and your love for life affirming literature too!

So let’s talk about the reason I heart you Kellan…

One of my favorite things about you is your ability to “whore yourself out” for lack of a better phrase and that means that you’ll show up to any Hotel Ballroom within the continental US if there’s a Twilight Convention banner hanging over head and then gladly pose for pictures with total whackos and cute girls for hours on end. And not just any pictures you really get into it with hugs and prom poses and kisses. I gotta say I love you for it cause not everyone would do it or even feel comfortable with that kind of attention. But like any good fame whore/teddy bear you man up and smile!

Vodpod videos no longer available.

You were in a Hinder video. While I can’t personally stand Hinder or music like this, it makes me smile to see you as the High School Jock cause it’s pretty much you playing yourself! All they needes to add was a Bible Study scene and this could be a video of your life circa early 2000’s.

Follow the cut to see what else we appreciate about Kellan!

Xavier Samuel, Welcome to Twilight oh and watch your donuts!

Dear Xavier,

I told UC I wanted to write you a letter since I’m pretty sure you still have a Google alert set up for your own name but I didn’t think I could make an entire letter out of: “HOLY CRAP, you’re HOT!” So since you’re a newbie to this fandom and since I’m more than willing to make fun of these dorks,  I thought I’d give you the 411 and the in’s and out’s of everything you need to know about Twilight. God help you.

Shhh they'll never know we're together! Let's wait one more week before we break their hearts!

First of all there’s there two…

Edward and Bella aka Rob and Kristen.

Stay away from this… stay far far away. Let them wallow in their angst and shirts from goodwill they never bothered to wash and keep right on moving. They’ll take the brunt of most of this saga and you should thank them. Send them a muffin basket or something and move along.

You might wanna watch out for Kristen, clearly she has a thing for boys with messy hair, questionable grooming habits and accents… you look like you might fit this bill. Watch your back. And take an occasional shower, that should keep her away.

I called ahead Taylor, they have a PizzaHut Express near our gate!

Next up…

Taylor Lautner aka Jacob Black

He’s the dude on the right. He’ll be the one lifting weights between scenes and drinking protein shakes while the rest of you get trashed at whatever friend of a friends band is playing that night. That dude on the left is affectionately known as Big Daddy. Watch your donuts around him.

Oh and uh yea Taylor’s 17. Ponder that one for a few.

Follow the cut to learn more Xavier!

True Love Waits for Ashley Greene

Dear Ash,

When you were spotted by the paps at LAX arriving from Vancouver, I couldn’t help but notice you were wearing a ring on your left ring finger. While the left hand ring finger is usually reserved for a wedding ring, I have known a few instances where the norm is broken. In your case:

• Is this your promise ring to Jackson? I know right now is not a practical time to date each other because Jax is too busy with Monkey girls in Monkey hats at his 100Monkey’s shows, and you’ve been quoted as saying your “boyfriend” is your “career” right now. But perhaps you two have promised to be together someday
  this is a secret message about saving yourself for Rob  
  

  Wait for me baby...

• Or is that the True Love Waits ring you picked up at your most recent abstinence conference? Don’t deny that you attended one. I know you try to trick us with your slutty photo shoots for Maxim mag, but we’re on to you.  We caught you in a time of prayer with your accountability partners, Dakota and Kristen, in Italy the other week, and we haven’t even had time to discuss Kellan and your plans for the fall- attending the “Flatline” conference in Texas where the mission is to “bridge the gaps between the generations [of women] by encouraging and taking an everyday interest by investing in everyday lives” Uh, What the hale I mean clearly Kellan has been rubbing off on you with all his Purpose Driven Life reading- or maybe it was you who bought him the book in the first place. Let me guess, you guys have matching “True love Waits” necklaces (I’ve seen the necklace cord Kellan drives to hide under his purple tank tops)

While I’m a little shocked to find out you’re saving your v-card for that someone special, I’m also quite proud of you. You’re a smokin’ hot chick, and I’m glad to know you’re not giving it up to everyone random male ho who asks.

Save it for Jackson,
UnintendedChoice

PS: Thom Yorke wants to sing you a song:

-Moon tricked me. She promised she’d recap her night with Sam Bradley, but instead wrote some other nonsense. I demand a story about Sam Bradley NOW, MOON! 🙂 LTR