Taylor Lautner: Friendless?

Dear UC & Moon,

Something has been bothering me lately (not really), I’ve spent countless hours pondering this… I feel that it is vital (pointless) to get a better understanding of Taylor. Now, he’s finally legal, having just celebrated his 18th, what did he do? I know Big Daddy Lautner would splurge on a birthday cake for his big boy, and sure there were hats and balloons but… and this is what bothers me… Were his friends there? Does he HAVE friends???

We have only ever seen him with his ex, Swifty (<3), the Disney chick who’s name I don’t care to remember and Big Daddy of course and countless other nameless faces (probably his management, and ALL ADULTS!) What normal 18 year old doesn’t have a group of friends? Friends his OWN AGE? I mean, Rob has his BritPack, Kstew has her fake lesbians but Tay??? Where’s his crew?

Guys, I need your help here… I need to rest easy knowing Tay has some guy friends and if not… I say we hold a friend audition! I vote no on Justin Bieber and anyone affliated with Disney (especially the JoBros). Any suggestions?

Resting uneasy,
Hepburn

Well Hepburn, what a FABULOUS idea. I’d be lying if I said Moon & I hadn’t had this concern ourselves. We’ve spent many a five minutes hour worrying about Taylor’s apparently lack of friends. Not that we think he’s complaining- with a father like Big Daddy, who needs friends? But for the sake of his fans & all those who are becoming more and more convinced of his homosexuality because of his never-ending slew of of female, Disney star friends/PR ploys, I think we need to get to the bottom of this.

First things first, I did a quick google search to see what Tay-Tay has been up to lately. It looks like he was recently spotted at a Lakers game. He HAD to go with friends, right!? RIGHT!? I snagged these photos from EclipseMovie.org for us to investigate:

Evidence #1

Wait- that’s not a minidress & a bra strap I see- that’s a MAN shoulder. And NOT Big Daddy’s! DO we have some proof!? Does Tay Tay have a FRIEND?

Evidence #2

It looks like Tay-Tay may have changed seats to get a better view of the basketball players the honeys (or else that WAS Big Daddy next to him in the first picture and he ran out for a second to stock up on the $79.95 Lakers-Bakers combo (Nachos with chili & bacon, four hot dogs, 2 64 oz Coca-Colas, caramel popcorn, a bucket of fries topped with chedder & crab and a fried twinkie for dessert. Oh, plus a side salad and a gatorade for Taylor)) Not sure who the new guy on Tay-Tay’s left is. Could it be another possibility for a friend?

Evidence #3

Is he looking at Kobe Bryant? Or the girls? Will we ever know?

Uh oh- this piece of evidence is supicious. No red-blooded 18 year old male would leave Taylor in front of cheerleaders who haven’t eaten in 3 weeks (except for the girl who gobbled up the crab-fry that Big Daddy dropped) ALONE. Is it true? Does Tay-Tay have no friends?

Evidence #4

It's called a what? And THAT's what Rob said he was allergic to?

Our final piece of evidence shows us Taylor, seeing the nether regions of a woman for the first time, next to a male. Is it a fan who wanted to ask what it was like NOT being a bear? Is it his manager (who is apparently gay) telling him horror stories about sex with women? Is it Big Daddy, who miraculously dropped 167 pounds after consuming the Lakers-Bakers Combo? I think we ALL know it’s NOT a friend. No 18 year old male has what looks to be the beginnings of a full beard. Unless he’s a hipster. And no hipster would wear a collared shirt. He’d be in an ironic Fish-O-Filet sponsored “Relay for the Heart 1994” T-shirt.

After seeing these pictures of Taylor out for a night of crab-fries and Kobe Bryant, I have to conclude…… that Taylor has no friends…

Find out what we’re going to do about this piece of news, after the jump! Continue reading

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