Breaking Down the Eclipse Trailer – It’s the Circle of Life and a Rave all wrapped up in a wig

Dear UC,

Yes, I’m writing you about the Eclipse trailer that premiered on Oprah on Friday. Since you’re outta the country without a lifeline internet connection, I am by myself! Who am I supposed to talk to about the trailer? I feel like I’m all alone! Ok, maybe not we have a billion friends and blog readers, but still it’s just not the same! I feel like I’m cheating. I keep looking over my shoulder because I think you’re gonna walk in and catch me breaking it down with someone else. Well, I did and it was goooood. It wasn’t you and me but it was gooooood. And so is the trailer. There’s lots to discuss. The ring, The Riley, The Circle of Life… LET’S DO THIS!!!!

Moon: Brookie, we need to break down this trailer PRONTO! UC has gone south of the border, Calli is drunker than Cathi Hardwicke at TGIFriday’s all you can drink Cinco De Mayo celebration and The Font won’t answer my calls. It’s just you and me girl. You, me and some questionable hairlines.

Brooke: lemme watch again I love how the trailer starts off with Bella wearing a hoodie like it isn’t already the 800 pound gorilla in the room let’s hide the hideous wig under a hoodie. NO ONE will notice
Moon
: HAHAHAHAAH exactly its so obvious they tightened the shot to keep her hairline out of like 3/4ths of the shots in the trailer. COME ON!

Brooke: I also don’t get who in the make up department has it out for rob

Dude, tell me before she shows up... do I look like Caspar?

Brooke: he’s a funking gorgeous guy and yet he looks closer to Ronald McDonald than Edward Cullen
Moon
: some poor girl who thought he turned her down during the filming of twilight and it just turns out he was so embarrassed he was mumbling
Brooke: hahaha, he probably proposed and she took it seriously she probably breaks make up brushes every time she has to do K’s makeup
Moon: Wouldn’t you?

Follow the cut to feast on some Riley, talk about Ronald McDonald and Raves
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How about some Twilight deductions on this years Taxes?

NOOOOOO!!!!

Dear Twilight,

It’s tax season!  I look forward to filing my taxes, because I usually get a bunch of money back since I don’t make all that much to begin with.  It’s like getting a huge bonus, even though technically it was my money all along and the government just held on to it and I didn’t even get the measly 2% savings account interest on it.  Whatever.  Not like I was going to actually save any of it anyway—most likely it would go towards buying a “Wolf Girl” candle or a backup set of New Moon trading cards.  But this year, once all the shoutin’ was done, I actually owed the IRS $105.

It turns out that I made more money in 2009 than I have ever made.  Seriously?  Because it didn’t feel like it.  How many times did I eat Ramen noodles for lunch because I had $17 to last me until payday?  I was living like Rob, wearing generic underpants and drinking cheap beer.  It seems inconceivable that I made the same amount of money as I did in 2008, much less more.  I hit the spreadsheets in search of the discrepancy, the anomaly that had left me cash poor in 2009.

Hmmm... what's different here... (click to enlarge)

My findings:

Do you see what happened there?  In 2009 I spent fully 10% of my income on Twilight and Twilight related stuff, including but not limited to:  books, action figures, bumper stickers, movie tickets, posters, lunchboxes, partyware, DVDs, magazines, tickets and travel to Brit Pack shows, and iPhone apps.  THIS WAS MORE THAN I SPENT ON CHILD CARE.  But, if I’ve learned anything from LTT, That’s Normal.

This is where you come in, Twilight.  Do you think for 2010 you could help me out?  Kind of like a Twilight bailout?

Some ideas–feel free to pick and choose:

It's true

  • It seems like you have more “exclusive” versions each time you release a DVD, and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to afford the Eclipse Home Depot Special Edition that comes with an actual piece of torn wolfpack jorts.  If you put all the different DVDs in one giant box set and sell them at a 10% discount, that would be swell.
  • Disney did a promo where people volunteer a day of service for theme park tickets.  Perhaps I could donate to a relevant charity–heaven knows the Summit wig department could use some funds–in exchange for free tickets to see Eclipse.
  • Plan more events in the Virginia area.  Cross-country trips are expensive for me, what with the hotels and plane fare and tequila anti-anxiety meds I have to take just to be able to fly.  Overnight layovers for Rob at RIC would qualify as “events”, as long as you cc me on the itinerary.
  • Issue a Twilight Rewards VISA, so that at least while I’m constructing an overwhelming mountain of debt I can earn free T-shirts from Hot Topic and discounted autographs from TwiCon.

Obviously, I’m going to tithe to Twilight one way or another, but it would be nice if you acknowledged my contributions to your tremendous money pile by giving me a break or two.  It’s the least you could do for a working girl like me.

Love,
Tiffanized

P.S. You should also anticipate a letter from my boss about my lost work hours from 2009.  Just a heads up.

What else should be in the Twilight Bailout? Any deductions the government should talk into account for Twilight fans?

We heard from LTT reader Krystal about an Water for Elephants reading group starting THIS SATURDAY: Check it out

Don’t forget to check out The LTT Biggest Loser on The Forum

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

One Year. It’s been a long time coming! Celebrate our year in the Twilight fandom!

Oh hello outtake of Moon & UC in a disney forest!

Dear UnintendedChoice (I used your full fake name cause I’m serious. I’m also wearing a pair of Tweed jorts),

A year ago today (trust me, I counted) we started this “secret blog” which now a year later isn’t such a secret anymore, not to the thousands of visitors we get or the hundreds of commenters who comment on every post and not even to most people in my real life now. In fact more often than not I’m now introduced to people I don’t know with “Hi X, this is Moon* she runs a “famous” Twilight blog!” Uh, well, wham, bam, thank you ma’m. Not such a secret anymore I dare say!

Remember our very first layout EVER?!

People ask me why I don’t talk more about the blogs in my real life and it would be easy to say it’s embarrassing I write a blog every day about Twilight and Rob but truthfully I can’t be embarrassed anymore about a blog that’s become part of the fandom in a real and lasting way. I can’t be embarrassed that people have met their soul mates and friends and long lost bff’s because we write about Twilight. I can’t be embarrassed that things we’ve created: words, phrases, characters, fake names have become part of the lexicon of the Twilight/Rob fandom.  And I definitely can’t be embarrassed that because I write this blog I have found a new lease on life and created a deep and lasting friendship with one of the most wonderful people God ever created. You are a God send UC. Baby Jesus and Rob himself created you just for me in their plaid heaven in the sky.

May the source be with you!

Some people know a little bit of my back story that led up to creating this with you but for those who don’t I worked for an entertainment company for multiple years and worked my way up through the ranks to a position that had all the responsibility of a middle woman and none of the perks of an upper level executive. I regularly contemplated crashing my german made car into the free way underpass on the way to work every morning. Every Sunday night (or really just any day ending in Y) I would wake up with panic attacks that would leave me paralyzed in my bed. I would come home from work and go straight to bed at 7Pm until I had to get up and do it all again the next day. To say all of these things were unhealthy would be an understatement.

And then I found Twilight (cue choir of Angels) or rather it found me.

Follow the cut to read the rest and to see some special shout outs, music, and hear the story of our first post!
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The Morning After – The MTV Video Music Awards

mtvmovieawardsDear LTT-ers

By now all the Diet Coke has been drunk, all the cupcakes consumed and all the screams have died down and what are we left with? Yup 66 days and counting till we finally get to see what we’ve all been waiting for New Moon the movie. And I think it would be an understatement to say I’m excited. I’m kinda really can’t even process all the moments but let’s try…

Red carpet madness:
Um since Rob and Kristen were too “busy” to walk the red carpet we will defer to Ashley who rocked the fashion correspondence and Taylor who KILLED it in a Calvin Klein suit. Sweet baby Jesus.

ashleyVMAs
Killing it in do me heels, black corseted top and “bump it.” Could have left grandma’s couch/gold lame skirt at home but hey you had me at “bump it.”

taylorredcarpet
Oh hai just stopping by before the big board meeting to show you what impeccable tailoring is.

Follow the cut for even more VMA crap… and an extra special gift…
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Drunk texts, drunk dialing, drunk emails all about Twilight!

Paintings required

Paintings required

Dear LTT-ers,

You know that feeling, waking up the day after a particuarly crazy drunk fest and not quite rememebering how it all ended. Then you check your celly and realize you drunk dialed every ex you had in the last 5 years and left 10 minute messages about god knows what, then texted your Dad (accidently) about how eff-able that guy you just met is and then you realize you’re not wearing any pants and you’re on your porch. Trust we’ve all been there. And if you haven’t, well… what are you waiting for?

I think that may have happened to one of our dear readers because yesterday I checked our LTT email and read this gem which was clearly written after one too many gin and tonics at the Cat & Fiddle…

Heyheyy,, how much do you think they would charqqe to appear at a party?
 
Andd,, whenn aree KStew,, RPatzz,, andd TLaut makinqq ann aperance,, inn southh florida??

Drunk in South Florida (this is what I would imagine he/she would sign this if they hadn’t passed out before hitting send)

This could be YOU!

This could be YOU!

Well dear heart either your keyboard is sticky from all those gin and tonics or you are the victim of drunk emailing gone wrong. But I like where your head’s at so let’s explore this one shall we… How much do I think they would charge for an appearence? Well probably depends on which star you’re wanting to get at your party. Let me break down what I think each one would “cost”

Kellan – he seems like a Twi-whore going to all these Twiconventions so I’m gonna guess, a coach ticket to your nearest airport, a corner room at the nearest Holiday Inn, 100 bucks “mad money,” and his choice of Twihards to be available after his check in at the hotel. What they do after depends on their contracts. If you want Kellan to return I suggest one dress up like a naughty Sunday School teacher. At least that’s what I hear he likes.

Jackson – a spare corner in the venue for 100 Monkeys to set up. Cause obviously his contract includes a clause that they will play at the closest dive bar or AT your event. He also requested that you hand wash the bananager’s costume, cause trust after a 3 month tour of the east coast’s finest shit holes that thing smells like death.

Ashley – 30k. She ain’t stupid and she’s got an open line of credit at Barneys. Duh.

Nikki – Who?

Peter – A supply of ugly shirts by Affliction set up near his autograph table, a video camera so he can record his friend that no one care about, dancing in a bikini and room enough in the parking lot to park the RV. Oh and when you introduce him you must preface it with: “Mike Dexter is a GOD!”

Gil Birmingham – Bus fare to the event, Greyhound if they travel to your town. And the finest assortment of 40year old+ moms who are just there to “chaperone” their daughters at the event. Right, ladies, RIGHT.

Taylor – I spoke with Big Daddy Lautner and this is what he said it would take to get Taylor at your party: 100 dollar gift card to McDonalds, one of those Dominoes Pizza Bread Bowls in the hotel toom upon check in and a supply of new Polo button up shirts, size XXXL. Hey, don’t ask me that’s what Big Daddy said Taylor needs!

Kristen– You’re joking right? She’d give you the ‘bitch please’ stare through the phone and then hang up on your ass for being so stupid. But maybe if you send her some “herbal treats” before you call it might help the pitch.

Rob– His only request is that Moon be present, ready, willing and able to help him with his every need. Oh and maybe a baseball cap from your local tourist shop. Anything with a lobster, flower or whatever represents South Florida. He loves those free hats.

As for your other question, When will Rob, KStew and Taylor make an appearence in South Florida? My guess is the 10th of never… or maybe after you do the above.

Good luck Drunk in South Florida!!

hangover6Moving on… A while ago we featured one of my favorite sites Texts from Last Night on a Monday Funnies post. Texts from Last Night which is a site where people submit funny/inapporpriate texts they’ve receieved usually sent when people were of questionable sobriety. Well they’re at it again because recently JodieO alerted us to a new Twilight related Text that was posted.

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/view/47253

So JodieO has this to say…

“Have you guys heard of the website www.textsfromlastnight.com ?  If not, it’s just a site where you send in strange or funny texts.  I consider myself fairly worldly, but the more I read it, the more impressed I am at how drunk and slutty some people can be.  Anyway, There was one about Rob that caught my eye: http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/view/47253
 
(706): i just met rob pattinson in italy. he’s so stupid, i feel like i would have to say “your penis goes here!”
 
While I would be surprised to learn that he really is stupid, it still wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me.
 
Drawing a map, just in case!
 
JodieO

Amen JodieO AMEN! I’m getting mine printed up and lamenated for when Rob comes back to me in LA. You can never be too prepared!

FYI we LOVE getting these emails! Please keep them coming oh and add our email to your phone for the next time just such on occasion arises. And by occasion I mean every day after 6! Email us letterstotwilight at gmail dot com!

Happy Monday!
Themoonisdown

Hop on over to Letters to Rob!
Drunk post in the forum! We don’t mind!

Speculation Thursday – Moon makes the case for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart: NOT together!

We're actors

We're actors

Dear Kristen and Rob-

Last week my pal UC put on a brave face, sucked up her pride and posted the Speculation Thursday (though it was on Wednesday) post that she thought you may be together. As much as it pained both of us to see that in writing, we had to present the Pro Robsten side of the argument. But never fear, I am here with this week’s Speculation Thursday (on Thursday!) where I’m going to present the Non Robsten side! Cause I look at you two and I’m like, they CANNOT be together, the stoner and the nerd? No way.

If you’ll indulge me I’d like to treat this as a trial, and court is now in session*! The honorable Stephenie Meyer proceeding. Today we will be hearing the case of:

Robsten vs NonRobsten, in the court of public opinion

Opening statement:
Much has been said and speculated about you two over the last few weeks and now having some time to gather evidence and look at the facts I think we can be certain about a few things: Kristen and Oregano are not together and Kristen and Rob are in fact, NOT together. Snogged and hooked up? Sure! But together? No! I ask that the jury keep an open mind as we speculate our way through another Thursday.

Enter into the court room the Evidence…

Were doing each other behind this door!

We're doing each other behind this door!

01. The Charlie Hotel / The Morning After – UC cited this story and these pictures as her main turning point. But I have a different take on this much bally-hooed “secret goodbye photos” and “secret rendezvous hotel bungalows” nonsense… I did some research too on The Charlie and there are multiple bungalows in which bungalows also have multiple rooms! Amazing how this works, huh? It’s not uncommon for stars to get ready for awards shows in hotel rooms, Summit’s footing the bill, why not? And you’ve got the room paid for for the night, might as well come back and party after the show, right? I know where you’re going to go with this: “but Moon they were in the SAME bungalow! Ron, the underpaid dude at the front desk, told the shady paparazzo from X17 who palmed him a 50 it was true.” Riiiight. And, if I even believe that they were in the same bungalow, my research tells me that again, SURPRISE, there are bungalows with more than one room in them. I’ve stayed in rooms with guy friends, it’s totally possible. And who knows maybe she was wasted drunk from the dinner beforehand when they decided to go back and party? Maybe they smoked a bol and she passed out on that cute striped chair from the pictures of The Charlie. And then the next day her Mom came to pick up her hung over self and hug Rob for being such a good guy and looking out for poor little Kristen. And no kiss was ever photographed.

Follow the cut to hear the rest of the case!!! (Seriously do it!)
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Happy Birthday UC, Love the Cullens and the rest of the gang!

Dear UnintendedChoice (your FULL fake name, this is a formal situation!)-

These blogs are usually meant as a place for us to write letters to Twilight and Rob but since it’s you’re birthday and I’m going to hell, I’m breaking ALL the rules! See, I can’t even get through an opening line without quoting this blasted series/movie, can you believe what it’s done to us?! I can’t! But what I can believe is it’s your BIRTHDAY!!! And you’re 21! Forever 21, ya’ll. Ok, maybe not 21 but a lady never reveals such secrets. I’m struggling right now to straddle the line between bringing the  funny and gushing uncontrollably about how much I love you. In a fake lesbian, life partners, blog partners kind of way, OF COURSE.

I can’t image a better person to run a blog empire with! Whenever I’m feeling particularly uncreative I know I can ‘break it down’ with you and I’ll come up with the best post ever. It’s like we always say “we’re better together” cause no one can help bring out the funny like you. You are the yin to my yang, the Bella to my Edward, the Sage to my Dills.

Please always be my life partner!
Themoonisdown

PS The Cullens sent me this rad picture and birthday poem they wrote* just for you!

We dress like this for ALL special occasions

We dress like this for ALL special occasions

When you open your presents, try not to hurt your finger,
for the scent of blood, Jasper can’t stand to linger,
and if Edward throws you ON TOP the table,
you’d better be ready, willing and able
cause he’s 107**, and oh so pure,
but you my dear, are his only cure!
So have some cake, some ice cream too,
and know that us Cullens all love you !

Happy Birthday UC,
The Cullens (your future in-laws)

*major thanks to the lovely Kristin for helping a writers blocked Moon with this awesome poem!
** we debated if it was 107 or 108 so uh someone set us straight!