Round Two is a no-go

the night your magic was made

Bitch, please! Once is enough

Dear Nikki Reed,

I know you’re probably pretty bummed that Rob’s been in town since Tuesday and hasn’t called you yet.  I wouldn’t take it too personally. He just got here and he needs to get fitted for his tux, try on his shoes, shave, unpack his one pair of pants and black shoes, grab some in-and-out, pleasure theMoonisDown (& wish it was me), etc. etc. He’s keeping a pretty tight schedule.

I’m gonna take a wild guess at what you were expecting to happen with Rob in town, and well, he isn’t going there, girl.  I’m not sure what happened the first time around, back on some drunken night in Portland, but I do know Rob isn’t doing it again.

Those were the days when he “couldn’t get a date” and was “fat” and “lived in a crack flat with TomStu.” Now he can “get lots of dates”, is “in no way fat” (only delicious) and, well, I guess he potentially still does live in that crack flat with TomStu, but that’s besides the point. You’re just not necessary. I know you thought you were- but that one time was just that- one time. And it only happened b/c you stumbled into his room, drunk, and he thought it would be more interesting than “playing his own trumpet” that night.

That’s it. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but Round Two is a no-go.

'come and get me big boy'

"I know you want this"

You’re busy though, right? Since you’re such a brilliant actress, you really have to start working on your craft again.. it’s going to take WEEKS to perfect your steely Rosalie glare (if you can even perfect it).  Plus, being the world’s most perfect fake-lesbian with Kristen really is an all-consuming activity.

Even if he wanted you, you just wouldn’t have time for Rob (and just as a reminder, he doesn’t want you)


Thanks to my late night IMing partner, you know who you are, for all the help, all the time. “We did it, we hit it, it was whack” I’d like to be a fake lesbian with you. XO

A message for Nikki Reed and Kristen Stewart- BFFs

Maybe Nikki is just holding onto KStew b/c she's obviously plastered

Maybe Nikki is just holding onto KStew b/c she's obviously plastered

Dear Nikki Reed and Kristen Stewart,

Okay, I have to say something. I’ve been holding my tounge for awhile now, but I’m over it.

Stop being fake lesbians.

Seriously, you’re starting to remind me of T.A.T.U.  I get the “she’s my best friend and I love to kiss her on the lips” thing- I really do. I plant one right on the smacker of my best girls everytime I see them. But no one thinks we’re suddenly gonna go grab a pair of Birkenstocks and jump in a Subaru.

You can stop the ‘hand-holding at every event’ charade, and it would be okay to still do press for your films even if your “other half” can’t make it with you that day. And maybe, KStew, when you guys are out in public with your boyfriend you could hold his hand instead of Nikki’s. Just a tip from a girl who knows a thing or two about keeping a man around. (and here he is thinking Rob is the threat)

Poor Michael- not getting any KStew love...

Poor Michael- not getting any KStew love...

Instead of being sexy, if that’s what you think it is, it’s actually just kinda annoying. And no one’s buying it, well, no one except these lesbians over here. Did you read that? Instead of being the fantasy couple for hot guys everywhere, you’re on your way to becoming the LiLo and SamRo of 2009.

Just some advice from a caring friend,

(Apologizes to all Subaru-driving, Birkentstock wearing readers, lesbian or otherwise, but admit it, you laughed)