Summit- do you need help with Breaking Dawn?

Continuing on our Spring Break (aka Moon & UC do some boring, geeky bloggy business for a few days), CalliopeBlabs brings us Part I of an EPIC Breaking Dawn suggestion for Summit!

Dearest Summit,

Seems you’ve been having some trouble with this whole Breaking Dawn issue.  I mean, I get it… I read the book, I KNOW there’s a lot to work through. One movie or two? Where to split? Who to direct? How to get around those pesky child protection laws to make TayTay falling in love with a baby okay.

Not to mention all the bargaining I’m sure you’ve been doing with Rob and Kristen.  Did they convince you to allow for TomStu to come to Isle Esme with them?  You know they don’t like to leave him by himself for too long… he’s a clingy one that TomStu.   Also, I know you and Rob have been trying to convince Stewie that method is the best way to go where Renesmee is concerned… any luck?

Or perhaps you’ve taken my advice and are trying to get the Pitt-Jolie biological offspring to star as the Golden Child since they all look the same since we all know with parents like Jolie-Pitt they’d be impeccably appropriate employees. I mean, Angelina and Brad… all business all the time. expect for that time when they got busy on one of your movie sets… I mean seriously!?! What do you feed your employees? So yes, I GET what monumental issues you’ve been facing with Breaking Dawn.

But…

you know….

it’s already APRIL.

I’m starting to get a little nervous here.

So of course, like the overly imaginative person I am… and because, unlike you, I do have a soul, I’ve decided to help you guys out here.  I’ve created the perfect solution to the problems you obviously can’t get around. Let’s just use the Bella, Edward & Jacob dolls you so willingly created and marketed at an exorbitant price to the Twi-fandom to make Breaking Dawn.  It’ll be cheap… you won’t have to worry about CGI… and no one will act out on set.   Sure some fans might be pissed but they’ll get over it. Plus, they are just fans… what do you care!?!

Still unsure? Need a visual? No problem.  Let me show you how it’s done… the story of Breaking Dawn: cheap, drama free and without the speculation of whether or not Barbie and Ken are doing it (they are). Grab the popcorn, dim the lights… and enjoy. Because at this rate, it might be as good as we are gonna get.

BOOK 1: BELLA

Bella: (Grumbles) Fine random dudes… i’ll let you get some pictures of me and my fancy car.

Bella: (pouting) i wish Edward would have stayed the night instead of gallivanting with his brothers. At least purple’s still cool… even if I am about to get married. I mean nothing says ready for the altar like purple sheets. At least, that’s what my YM magazine says.

Renee: you’re getting married… and you aren’t even knocked up!

Bella: (nervously) Dad, I think I’m going to puke.

Charlie: (loudly) You little LIAR! I knew it… you are knocked up! Where is that punk. I’m gonna kill him.

Charlie: why are you even here?

Bella: I DO

Priest: It’s not time for that yet dear

Bella: I DO

Edward: love, still not time for that

Bella: I DO.

Edward: I DO.

Bella: (relived and horny) YAYYYY we are married!

Find out what happens after the jump!

The Inevitable New Merchandise for New Moon

Dear Twi-hards,

With the release of New Moon fast approaching (146 days!), it was only a matter of time before the machine started rolling out new merchandise for fans to buy. After all Hot Topic almost single handedly saved the economy back in February. And we really can’t be losing anymore mall stores. Where else will I find my neon green tutu’s, Mario Brothers shirts and gothic parasols?  I mean, there goes my whole wardrobe, right? But never fear we’re just now getting a glimpse of the goodies to come that might just save the entire United States economy. Fingers crossed.

WOOOOOWWW just in case you wanted to go hunting and be camouflaged but also show how much you love Twilight, we have this lovely shirt. To our country friends, this will look nice while you’re out hunting deer with Jethro and the boys and if you’re lucky enough you’ll be wearing this on the next season of Red Neck Weddings!

Don’t you hate it when you’re at work and just about to close the BIG deal and can’t remember what date it is? I know I do! But after I get this handy little desk calender I can look confidently at the client and say, why yes it IS exactly one month and 3 days till my life is complete and New Moon comes out October 17th! Thank God I had this calendar or we couldn’t have made this million dollar deal! Great doing business with you!

So Barbie Bella and Ken Edward dolls are like the complete antithesis of Malibu Barbie and Ken. Instead of tans they have pale, sparkly skin. Instead of the pink corvette Bella has the broke down beater truck. Instead of skin bearing bikini’s and swim trunks it’s coverage from head to toe. And instead of a Dream House on the beaches of Malibu, it’s a middle class house in rainy Forks, Washington. My only question is: what about the Bob Mackie designed raincoats and the Quielute addition to the “Barbies Around the World” collection? Mattel, you totally dropped the ball on this one!

Lip Venom, guys really? I remember this stuff from like Seventeen Magazine in the 90s. It was supposed to plump up your lips to give it that “bee stung” look. The whole concept is off, first of all who wants to be stung when putting on lip gloss? And not surprisingly the product failed and went away. But now that Vampires are the hip thing, why not trot this little diddy out again but with a new spin: Plump your lips up with the venom of a vampire! Close your eyes, dream a little dream, click your heels together and say “there’s no place like Forks” and wait for the magic of the venom to turn you into an immortal. Then you and Edward can be together forever, cause we know that’s what you dream about. Seriously, we know. We watched the movie.

When are we gonna get a Jacob action figure? Or a temporary vampire bite tattoo? Or an official Charlie Swan stick on Mustache?

Would you buy any of this?
Themoonisdown

Don’t forget to vote in the Wanna Tappa Vampa (our fake sorority) and the Twi Sisterhood’s PORN OFF! EVERY VOTE COUNTS!! Yes we can!

Read our review of Rob in The Bad Mother’s Handbook at LTR
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