Eclipse – The Choice is pretty simple… maybe

Vanilla or Chocolate, PC vs Mac - It all begins with a choice!

Dear Eclipse Poster Designer and Marketers,

I have to commend on the new Eclipse poster… the darker colors, the NSYNC circa ’01 denim jacket (read this if you love NSYNC), Edward’s creepy dead-eye stare, Bella’s cocked eyebrow (kiss me!), and then I looked down and saw your tag line:

“It All Begins… With a Choice”

And I thought WTF? A choice? She will never choose Jacob, we know that, otherwise Bella would have told Edward to go ef himself when he came back to Forks and would have made out with Jacob in that little garage, instead of drinking warm soda while she fixated on his rippling muscles. So THAT can’t be the choice, it’s gotta be something else, right? But what? So I came up with a list of the only plausible things she could be choosing from…

“It All Begins… With a Choice”

  • V-Neck vs Crew Neck – A peek of Edwards chest hair vs highlighting Jacob’s man boobs?
  • Pancake makeup vs Bronzer – Deathly pallor of the undead or the deep tan of spending summers at the La Push beach
  • Harry’s Famous Fish Fry vs Spaghetti – What will Bella make for Charlie’s dinner? Some of that famous fish fry and be forced to listen to another story about “the big one that got away” or the same dinner she always makes Charlie: Spaghetti.
  • To let Alice pick your clothes or wear the khaki skirt/blue shirt again – Does anyone want to chance the wrath of the fashion obsessed Alice? And really what is so great about the darn blue shirt paired with the floor length Amish skirt? Why Bella resists, I’ll never know.

what about these…

  • Paper vs Plastic – Neither you earth haters, get your reusable bag on, people!

Ain't no lie baby, Bye Bye Bye!

  • NSYNC vs Backstreet Boys – If you say anything besides NSYNC I don’t know you
  • Jonas Brothers vs Hanson Brothers – Which brothers do it for you? Short, brunette- Jew-fro-d-Christian-purity-ring-wearing-brothers or blond-girly-haired-Christian brothers-from-Oklahoma?
  • Dwight Schrute vs Andy Bernard – How could Angela choose between the Assistant to the Region Manager of Dunder Mifflin or the man who sings “Take a chance on me” barbershop style on speakerphone?

Follow the cut to see what other choices they could possibly mean
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Young love is Taylor-made

Dear Taylors,

Awwww, ain’t young love grand?! It’s not even spring and we get to enjoy a little bit of love blossoming in the fall as we watch you two meet up all over the country. I’m going to write each of you a letter and you can figure out which one is to who…

XO,
Moon

PS Can we come up with a better couple name that Tay-tay or Taylor squared for you guys? Those just don’t have the right ring to them

Our song is the way you phase, sneaking out past paps and tip toeing back a sleepin' big daddy

Our song is the way you phase, sneaking out past paps, tip toeing past a snoring Big Daddy

Dear Taylor,

Don’t screw this up!!! If it’s true and you are playing the hanky panky at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel with Taylor than you’re a lucky SOB cause this girl is 19, you are 17 and in boy/girls maturity levels that’s a lot. And besides that, she’s a young musician who not only plays an instrument but also writes her own music! This girls got it going on, and has the songs to prove it. Which you can learn a lot from, by the way! If we know anything about Taylor we know she likes Romeo and Juliet, love stories, flowers, screen doors slamming, Tim McGraw, castles, tear drops, glitter,  that stupid old pick up truck, burning shit, white horses, hates cheer captains and loves being fearless. Oh and she hates the JoBros. But who doesn’t?

So seriously don’t screw this up cause you KNOW Taylor will turn your relationship in her next number one album if you break her heart! And don’t think we won’t know who’s she’s referring to when she sings about “that stupid dog.”  I will also warn you know that Big Daddy told me he’s getting ready to sit you down and have “the talk” with you! So if Big Daddy asks to take you to McDee’s for some “one-on-one time” he’s not refering to private time with a certain fried fish sammy, he’s talking about emabarassing birds and the bees, this is where babies come from, true love waits, keep it in your pants shiz! Prepare yourself! And tape it, so we can listen later cause it will be epically 2nd hand embarrassing! Oh and if Kanye gets any funny ideas at this years Grammy’s you better come prepared to throw down. I’m talking “don’t get me upset” Jacob style throw down.

Ok now go send this girls some flowers and do a back flip for her while you recite a poem you wrote called “Taylor + Taylor, we can make it not a failure” So, clearly you’ll help you with your writing skills (and mine).

It’s a love story Taylor, just say yes!
Moon

PS If something happens and you have to break up with her don’t do it via phone like that loser Jonas Brother did. You’re a classy fellow have the balls and do that ish in person!

Follow the cut to see my letter to the other Taylor! And some other goodies…
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Do this and DIE soundtrack producers

coming soon... oh so soon

coming soon... oh so soon

Dear New Moon Soundtrack music supervisors and producers-

If the rumors about the JoBros and Madonna (among others) being on the New Moon soundtrack are true I will boycott you all and deny any of this ever happened (but if this was all an eleborate PR ploy to get more publicity for that 3-d movie nonsense than round of applause for the smart PR team!) As a wanna-be music supervisor I’m BEGGING you don’t go down this road… I love Alexandra Patsavas and worship at her music choosing feet like the rest of you but the Twilight soundtrack walked a fine line between genius picks (the black ghosts, iron and wine, blue foundation) and complete lunacy (collective soul, linkin park). I implore you PLEASE PLEASE pick some amazing music, unknowns, up and comers, oldies, whatever WORKS with the film but NOT the Jonas Brothers!! Or crinkly old Madge. We don’t need to make this an even more tween-y affair than it already is, NOR do we need someone who hasn’t put out a good album in several years trying to get in the mix and profit from cult hit like this. I love ya Madonna (your older stuff) but your services are NOT needed here. If I hear ANY whine-y, nasal-y, pinched prepubescent voices like the JoBros singing about “burning up” or whatever I will go postal.

friends don't let friends put JoBros on the Soundtrack

friends don't let friends put JoBros on the Soundtrack

May I suggest some winners like… martina topley bird, youth group (of course i would like a band called youth group!), neutral milk hotel, the pains of being pure at heart or how about some joni mitchell for the really sad Bella is dumped and lifeless bits?! I know I always cry at Joni, PERFECTION! Seriously guys I make amazing ‘PLEASE KILL ME NOW, I’M SO SAD’ mixes if I do say so myself.

Ok so maybe what I’m saying producers/music supervisors, you should HIRE ME!! (i’m not joking, call me) In fact I think we shall begin either highlighting songs we think are New Moon-eriffic or create some tracklistings and feature them here.

But I’m serious about the Jonas Brothers nonsense, do it and DIE!
Themoonisdown (even my ‘name’ says PICK ME!)

So what do you guys think about the new moon soundtrack? Anyone as passionate about it as I am? What are some ideas you have?