The Rave goes back into business & jumps on the Twilight band wagon

In order to best understand today’s very random letter, think about a cheesy teen store that sold cheap prom dresses in the 90’s. Got one in mind? Okay, THAT’s who I’m writing to today…. ready…. set…READ:

Dear The Rave/The Deb/Mandee/Claire’s Jewelry and all The 90’s versions of Forever 21 and H&M,

I’ve missed you. When I was 13 and thought it was cool to wear over-sized men’s Adidas t-shirts, you were always there for me. And when I was given a $50 budget maximum for my dress to the winter semi-formal of December 1998, you were the perfect place to find a sparkley, pink, thick strapped evening gown that would satisfy my dad’s requirement of modesty AND still leave me with $4.99 to stop on over at After Thought’s for a crazy blinged out necklace/ring/bracelet combo that would lose a gem 5 minutes after I walked into the jr. high gym.

The 90's can kiss my sexy ass

The reason I’m writing is because I saw your recent ad campaign with Nikki Reed. Beautiful choice, going with a Twilight star. Verizon is doing it. Anti-smoking campaigns are doing it. Hot Topic did it and now you are using Twilight to further your marketing goals and sell your formal dresses so glitzy that Miley Cyrus even passed up carrying the line for Wal-mart.

I look forward to being able to participate in “one stop shopping” when I stop in some night after work to pick up a babydoll dress to pair with an over-sized blazer and chunky platform, square-toed shoes and ALSO pick up the latest Twilight merchandise. Will you have a ying yang necklace with Bella & Jacob’s pictures on the back?

Clicky for maximum LOLs

Great thinking putting Nikki in that dress. I’m not sure exactly the vibe I get but I know it’s somewhere between having a margarita made in your mouth at Senor Frogs in Cancun and losing your virginity in the back of Tommy Crestler’s ’93 camero on the night of senior prom. Good job with the styling! Are the shoes from Charlotte Russe’s 2 pair for $15 line? I love a good deal on a pair of shoes you can wear for and entire 4 hours before the heel snaps off.

In a world where Twilight stars like Ashley Greene are featured in ad campaigns for SOBE in Sports Illustrated, and Anna Kendrick is nominated for an Oscar and smiling on the pages of every major magazine on the shelves along with Kristen Stewart who is getting a solo Vogue cover, it’s nice to see Nikki Reed keeping it real in clothing us ‘little people’ could have afforded in 1997 can afford after getting a make over at the Clinique counter right before scrunching her hair with a little “LA Looks” mousse. If someone like Nikki can go from a (rumored) hook up with Rob Pattinson to doing ads for what I can only assume are discontinued stores from the 1990s, then there’s hope for all of us to go from our little unimportant lives to a future (rumored) hook up with Rob Pattinson.

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Edward Cullen, Vampire or Insurance Salesman?

Dear Twilight Marketers/advertisers/designers-

Some new movie posters and corresponding photos from the same shoot have recently come out and while I’m excited about the New Moon I couldn’t help but think these pictures don’t really make me think Edward and Bella, vampire and high school girl. They make me think quite different things… just so you know here’s my exact thoughts on the new posters and pics…

Edward Cullen, certified Realtor. Specializes in family homes and hard-to-sell properties. He’s got an amazing split level Ranch with a pool in Sheboygan priced to move! Who wouldn’t buy a home from this guy?

Bella Swan, high school guidance counselor. Her door’s always open for misfits and newly arrived out-of-towners. Ms. Swan won the Washington Teacher’s Golden Apple award for most empathetic and mostly likely to cry right along with her students.

Edward Cullen, attorney at Law. Partner at Cullen, Cullen and Meyer, Edward is a ruthless lawyer and a killer in the courtroom. Best known for his tweed jackets and surprise witnesses. Case closed!

Bella Swan,  employee at Forever 21. Enjoys a cheaply made sundress and would LOVE to start a dressing room for you while you continue to shop. Don’t forget all sales are final!

Edward Cullen news anchor and cohost of Good Morning Sheboygan! Can’t stand his cohost Rosalie Hale but loves to interview eye witnesses and waking up at 3am! Back to you Edward!

Bella Swan, newest Suicide Girl (nsfw)… her Suicide name is Swan Lake, clearly.
Into: slutty tank tops, Heathcliff, vampires, guys on motorcycles
Occupation:  resident piercer at Forks Tattoos and Piercings

So as you can see, people in charge of creating this stuff, I’m not exactly sure the true essence of B ella and Edward is coming across because Edward looks like a middle aged dude into “sports jackets” and Bella is a sad, maybe-slut.

Can’t wait to see the Jacob posters and pictures! What will be be? Altar boy? Bagger at Whole Food? Bring it on!

Which one’s your favorite?

109 Days!
Themoonisdown

PS UC went to see Bobby Long… she talks about it at Letters to Rob!
Discuss it in the forum! Gonna see Bobby Long and Marcus in LA? So am I! Go to the meet up section!
We Tweet! Do you follow us?

Source Twicrack via Edward and Bella

Happy Birthday UC, Love the Cullens and the rest of the gang!

Dear UnintendedChoice (your FULL fake name, this is a formal situation!)-

These blogs are usually meant as a place for us to write letters to Twilight and Rob but since it’s you’re birthday and I’m going to hell, I’m breaking ALL the rules! See, I can’t even get through an opening line without quoting this blasted series/movie, can you believe what it’s done to us?! I can’t! But what I can believe is it’s your BIRTHDAY!!! And you’re 21! Forever 21, ya’ll. Ok, maybe not 21 but a lady never reveals such secrets. I’m struggling right now to straddle the line between bringing the  funny and gushing uncontrollably about how much I love you. In a fake lesbian, life partners, blog partners kind of way, OF COURSE.

I can’t image a better person to run a blog empire with! Whenever I’m feeling particularly uncreative I know I can ‘break it down’ with you and I’ll come up with the best post ever. It’s like we always say “we’re better together” cause no one can help bring out the funny like you. You are the yin to my yang, the Bella to my Edward, the Sage to my Dills.

Please always be my life partner!
Themoonisdown

PS The Cullens sent me this rad picture and birthday poem they wrote* just for you!

We dress like this for ALL special occasions

When you open your presents, try not to hurt your finger,
for the scent of blood, Jasper can’t stand to linger,
and if Edward throws you ON TOP the table,
you’d better be ready, willing and able
cause he’s 107**, and oh so pure,
but you my dear, are his only cure!
So have some cake, some ice cream too,
and know that us Cullens all love you !

Happy Birthday UC,
The Cullens (your future in-laws)

*major thanks to the lovely Kristin for helping a writers blocked Moon with this awesome poem!
** we debated if it was 107 or 108 so uh someone set us straight!