Where’s Daniel “Big Daddy” Lautner?

Have you seen this man?

Dear Taylor,

Where the HALE is your dad?! Every time a new photo of you comes out of you at an airport or running around town I hold my breath as I scroll through each image just waiting to see Bid Daddy’s face among them. Preferably off to the side, holding a to-go box wearing an XXXL polo shirt and some dad pants but alas he’s no where to be found. He’s been missing in action for weeks, maybe even a month since we last saw the man we’ve all come to know and love and refer to affectionately as Big Daddy.

Hmmmm filet o fish

Where could be be? Did he get stuck in Rob’s old hotel room jail cell? Was Summit jealous of the coverage Big Daddy was getting from paps so they threw him in the same cell Rob was in for almost a month? Is Big Daddy jealous of Taylor Swift and all the face time she’s been getting with YOU? I mean, you took her to Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse and didn’t take Big Daddy? That’s blasphemy! They serve red meat there! I would be hurt too. I’ve even started searching every McDonald’s in the Los Angeles area looking for a cuddly dad in a corner self soothing with a Filet-o-Fish while you’re out on the town with the other half of Swiftner, but he’s no where to be found! It’s as if he never existed! Tell him to stop taking Edward’s words so literally. I can’t take this anymore!

And now you’re off gallivanting through foreign countries with KStew with NO parental guidance? Is Big Daddy sitting at home in his easy chair when the newscaster says “It’s 10PM do you know when your children are?” and NOT KNOW where you are?! I shudder to think.

I’m worried Taylor! Please tell me Daniel “Big Daddy” Lautner is ok.

It’s 10PM do you know where your Big Daddy is?
Themoonisdown

Oh and Dear Kristen,

Nice outfits! No, I’m serious, I swear!

Thank god for press tours! Oh and wanna share shoes?

❤ sometimes,
moon

What say you? is Big Daddy MIA? Where is he? And do you heart or hate KStew’s look in Mexico?

Find Big Daddy at The Forum
Rob’s doing something over at LTR
November’s a crazy month TV wise, Jena has put together a handy dandy viewing guide over the at forum! Set your DVR’s now!

Twilosophy of the fandom – REAL Twilight fan?

REAL fan?!

Dear LTTers/Twilosophy Majors,

For quite some time now we’ve been reading emails, viewing other sites posts, receiving comments, and talking between us about what it is to be a “REAL fan.” We’ve been told by countless people that because of what we post we are not “Real fans”  and we’ve read on many other fansites and blogs and been on email chains toting the tenants of a “REAL fan” And apparently we (and many of you) are not “Real fans” because  being a ‘REAL fan” means something quite different to us than them. To certain folks, being a fan, means always agreeing with the powers that be, always saying something nice or non-divisive, loving everything about the saga or movies, opposing any sort of speculation or the posting of any possible rumors and god forbid: posting a picture taken by a paparazzo! The horror! But we beg to differ (of course!) because we definitely do all the above so-called no-no’s but we also love this saga like McAdams loved Gosling (RIP). And who’s to decide the level of someone else’s fandom? Can we really base our love for something on these outward displays of devotion?

• does kissing butt and blindly accepting everything make you a “real fan”

• does bringing up objections and differing opinions make you any less of a fan?

• Does it make us less of a fan of the actors or books by posting a paparazzi picture?

• When we write something in jest about an actor or character does that make us mean spirited?

I still read every little dumb post, read every article and buy every magazine (well the ones with the good pics!), own TWO full sets of the saga, own a Pocket Edward, co-write two blogs about Twilight and Rob, talk incessantly about the stories, have recommended the books to countless people and yet I’m not a “REAL fan?”

Because I’m a word nerd I looked up the word “fan” and here’s what we get…

Fan –noun
an enthusiastic devotee, follower, or admirer of a sport, pastime, celebrity, etc.
Origin:
1885–90, Americanism; short for fanatic

Synonyms:
supporter, enthusiast, ardent admirer, booster, addict

Not a fan!

Ok, so I’m pretty sure we could be called enthusiastic devotees and ardent admirers and most definitely ADDICTS! So what does it all mean? UC and I have sat around dwelling on this topic for months now and we hope that it comes across in the right way. Not as a pat on the back for ourselves but as validation to the other countless fans, YOU GUYS, who are just like us, think it’s alright to do all those things listed above and still be a fan! That’s why we started a blog- not just for the hell of starting a blog- but to be different. To say something interesting about the Saga we love. To BE those true fans who say “I love this so much I’m not afraid to admit that you suck in that moment” To say – no- you did it wrong. Because by doing that makes our happiness and excitement that much more genuine.

You know those friends or boyfriends when you ask “does this make me look fat?” or “What do you think of this dress?” automatically answer “YES?” While it’s nice to hear a compliment, in the end I’m going to trust the person who told me I looked like “a stuffed sausage in spanx” for advice over the “You look like Heidi Klum” person any day, because I know they’re being honest and want the best for me. And I only look like Heidi Klum on weekends after all.

Yes, frequently

On the same tip, when someone writes a review in the New York Times- they’re honest (and yes, I’m comparing us to the New York Times, go with it for the sake of the lecture!) They don’t say what they think the publishing house wants them to say. They don’t take the authors feelings into consideration. They are truly honest- and I think it’s important for people to have their own opinions. And equally as important: we need to leave room for other people’s opinions who differ from our own! it’s like “they” say: variety is the spice of life, differences make the world go round, never turn down a free filet-o-fish or whatever it is “they” say.  So that’s what we will do and continue to do. Write honest, while humorous, looks at saga and movies we love so much while being open for differing opinions, LOVING the good and calling out the bad.

a REAL fan,
Themoonisdown

So what say you? Do you feel like there are signs for true fandom? Have you been judged as a fan either way?

Don’t miss out on some Rob goodies at Letters to Rob
Real fans love the forum!

Drunk texts, drunk dialing, drunk emails all about Twilight!

Paintings required

Dear LTT-ers,

You know that feeling, waking up the day after a particuarly crazy drunk fest and not quite rememebering how it all ended. Then you check your celly and realize you drunk dialed every ex you had in the last 5 years and left 10 minute messages about god knows what, then texted your Dad (accidently) about how eff-able that guy you just met is and then you realize you’re not wearing any pants and you’re on your porch. Trust we’ve all been there. And if you haven’t, well… what are you waiting for?

I think that may have happened to one of our dear readers because yesterday I checked our LTT email and read this gem which was clearly written after one too many gin and tonics at the Cat & Fiddle…

Heyheyy,, how much do you think they would charqqe to appear at a party?
 
Andd,, whenn aree KStew,, RPatzz,, andd TLaut makinqq ann aperance,, inn southh florida??
❤
Drunk in South Florida (this is what I would imagine he/she would sign this if they hadn’t passed out before hitting send)

This could be YOU!

Well dear heart either your keyboard is sticky from all those gin and tonics or you are the victim of drunk emailing gone wrong. But I like where your head’s at so let’s explore this one shall we… How much do I think they would charge for an appearence? Well probably depends on which star you’re wanting to get at your party. Let me break down what I think each one would “cost”

Kellan – he seems like a Twi-whore going to all these Twiconventions so I’m gonna guess, a coach ticket to your nearest airport, a corner room at the nearest Holiday Inn, 100 bucks “mad money,” and his choice of Twihards to be available after his check in at the hotel. What they do after depends on their contracts. If you want Kellan to return I suggest one dress up like a naughty Sunday School teacher. At least that’s what I hear he likes.

Jackson – a spare corner in the venue for 100 Monkeys to set up. Cause obviously his contract includes a clause that they will play at the closest dive bar or AT your event. He also requested that you hand wash the bananager’s costume, cause trust after a 3 month tour of the east coast’s finest shit holes that thing smells like death.

Ashley – 30k. She ain’t stupid and she’s got an open line of credit at Barneys. Duh.

Nikki – Who?

Peter – A supply of ugly shirts by Affliction set up near his autograph table, a video camera so he can record his friend that no one care about, dancing in a bikini and room enough in the parking lot to park the RV. Oh and when you introduce him you must preface it with: “Mike Dexter is a GOD!”

Gil Birmingham – Bus fare to the event, Greyhound if they travel to your town. And the finest assortment of 40year old+ moms who are just there to “chaperone” their daughters at the event. Right, ladies, RIGHT.

Taylor – I spoke with Big Daddy Lautner and this is what he said it would take to get Taylor at your party: 100 dollar gift card to McDonalds, one of those Dominoes Pizza Bread Bowls in the hotel toom upon check in and a supply of new Polo button up shirts, size XXXL. Hey, don’t ask me that’s what Big Daddy said Taylor needs!

Kristen– You’re joking right? She’d give you the ‘bitch please’ stare through the phone and then hang up on your ass for being so stupid. But maybe if you send her some “herbal treats” before you call it might help the pitch.

Rob– His only request is that Moon be present, ready, willing and able to help him with his every need. Oh and maybe a baseball cap from your local tourist shop. Anything with a lobster, flower or whatever represents South Florida. He loves those free hats.

As for your other question, When will Rob, KStew and Taylor make an appearence in South Florida? My guess is the 10th of never… or maybe after you do the above.

Good luck Drunk in South Florida!!

Moving on… A while ago we featured one of my favorite sites Texts from Last Night on a Monday Funnies post. Texts from Last Night which is a site where people submit funny/inapporpriate texts they’ve receieved usually sent when people were of questionable sobriety. Well they’re at it again because recently JodieO alerted us to a new Twilight related Text that was posted.

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/view/47253

So JodieO has this to say…

“Have you guys heard of the website www.textsfromlastnight.com ?  If not, it’s just a site where you send in strange or funny texts.  I consider myself fairly worldly, but the more I read it, the more impressed I am at how drunk and slutty some people can be.  Anyway, There was one about Rob that caught my eye: http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/view/47253
 
(706): i just met rob pattinson in italy. he’s so stupid, i feel like i would have to say “your penis goes here!”
 
While I would be surprised to learn that he really is stupid, it still wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me.
 
Drawing a map, just in case!
 
JodieO

Amen JodieO AMEN! I’m getting mine printed up and lamenated for when Rob comes back to me in LA. You can never be too prepared!

FYI we LOVE getting these emails! Please keep them coming oh and add our email to your phone for the next time just such on occasion arises. And by occasion I mean every day after 6! Email us letterstotwilight at gmail dot com!

Happy Monday!
Themoonisdown

Hop on over to Letters to Rob!
Drunk post in the forum! We don’t mind!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to Rob and Twilight!

Dear Twi-Hards and LTT-ers –

A lot’s been said since yesterday about “Cab-gate 09”… which is what I’m now refering to the Rob was tapped by a cab incident that turned into the biggest non newstory, newstory to rock the Twi-world in… well… days. In a matter of minutes rumors were swirling, petitions were being signing, kidneys being donated and Obama issuing a statement. Well maybe it didn’t go that far, but folks did start up various campaigns and trending topics to get the word out about everything from: “Respect Rob’s Space” to “Protect Rob” which is all fine and well because crazies need to keep their distance from Rob.

But what really got me thinking was what about the other folks in the Twi-dom? What about the other actors? Their family? Their friends? Can we ask people to respect Rob but leave them out? Must we be forced to worry that Solomon Trimble will get mobbed at an Oregon Walmart while he’s buying some Alberto VO5 hot oil treatments for his luscious locks?!

NO! I simply will not stand for it! I MUST know that ALL people associated with Twilight are also respected. So to jump on the bandwagon I’ve created our very own LTT “Respect” campaign with an LTT twist, of course!

Won’t you join us?

Themoonisdown

It’s easy to worry about Rob since he’s such a big celeb, but what about the “little people” in this scenario? What about the Cabbie? I say we need to respect the cabbie! Stop stepping out into the street with your big feet, umbrellas and security detail. This guy’s just trying to do his job ferrying people around the city and we’re getting in his way by hitting HIS cab with our hips. Respect the cabbie!

Though Buttcrack Santa isn’t a canon character from the Twilight series, HE DIED! Respect him! He died for our laughs. He died for those little bottles. He died to have momma say didn’t know how to make a kitty meow! RESPECT BUTTCRACK SANTA!

What about Marty the Bananager for 100 Monkeys? We give him cheesy shirts to wear, don’t include him on our 100 Monkeys canvas totes, and grind with him on the dance floor. He’s a person too! Give Marty his personal space and save your sexy moves for his bandmates. They signed up for this, Marty is just doing his job and can’t be distracted by our beauty. Respect The Bananager!

Taylor’s a level-headed 17 year old who seems to be enjoying the attention he’s getting by playing Jacob. My real concerns lie with Big Daddy Lautner. How’s he taking the fame? Is he still able to hit the McDee’s drive through at midnight for a late night Filet o Fish without getting mobbed? Respect Big Daddy!

We all spend a lot of time pining for Rob and swooning over Kellan’s wifebeaters but what about the supporting actors? Have we devoted as much time to Mike Newton? Will we ever love his “golden retriever” like qualities enough to finally open letterstomikenewton.com? Will we ever post about his quest to save ladies boobs? Respect Mike Welch!

Read about the best real life Rob stalker and see the Rob’s new security at LTR
RESPECT The Forum!

Taylor Lautner at a hockey game in 4 takes…

Dear Taylor-

I had a great weekend, saw some friends, went to some house parties, got a fathers day gift (don’t forget Big Daddy Lautner this Sunday!) and wondered what you were up to now that New Moon wrapped principle photography… and lucky me Just Jared found you at a Detroit Red Wings hockey game! I totally forgot you were from the North because who else watches hockey around here? You and Big Daddy Lautner (my other name for Poppa Filet o Fish) did not disappoint with your AMAZING facial expressions during that game that were all caught on film for folks like UC and I to enjoy… and enjoy them we did!

Taylor: OH DUDE DAD!! That cougar behind me just grabbed my balls in the hall and I liked it!!
Big Daddy: Isn’t that a Katy Perry song?
Taylor: Um Yea, something like that, I don’t know Dad but she pushed me into the guys bathroom and told me she’d “make me a man” for Rob’s phone number, can you believe it?! I was like get in line sister!
Big Daddy: Hmmmph… kids these days… freakin 6 pack abs and mystic tans are wasted on the youth… I wonder if they have a McDee’s in this arena. Taylor go get me a McFlurry!

Taylor: Daaaadd… I just remembered Selena broke up with me. I’m really sad… do you have a kleenex?
Big Daddy: Uh, I got this leftover napkin from Wendy’s, will that do?
Taylor: sniff… sniff… yeaaaa but who will I walk in the rain with now? What about the umbrella I bought? Who will I give chaste sweet hugs to on the sidewalk in front of the papparazzi?
Big Daddy: Consider it a blessing she dumped you now Son. She’s a Disney girl, it would have taken 2 years to get to first base and then it would have ended in sorrow after the inevitable dirty webcam pics surfaced. Do you want some cotton candy?

Follow the cut to see if Big Daddy tackles a Dippin Dots vender…

Working out with a Filet o Fish and Taylor Lautner

(TGIF LTT-ers!! I can’t tell you how happy I am we’ve made it to another Friday, so in honor of a great week of posts and a crappy week of work I’m bringing you one of the most ridiculous videos EVER!)

Dear Daddy Lautner –

What the heck is going on in this video? Was it time for Taylor to work out and that’s why you pulled over the SUV for a little impromptu weight training session?

“Hey Taylor and Trainer guy, pop the hatch you’ve got some reps to do kid, these filet o fishes ain’t buying themselves!”

And what’s the loud popping noise in the background? If I didn’t know better about the premise of New Moon I’d say you were on the set of “Saving Private Rob” and those are fake gun rounds going off… instead of what we all know that sound really is! It’s you crushing beer cans on your forehead while Taylor works the Delts out.

What we really need is a Daddy Lautner work out video… it’s pretty much like those old people chair work outs only yours involved a lawn chair and lifting 40’s instead of soup cans. Then to really get the muscles warmed up there’s a relay between you and that blond chick to see who can eat a McRib the fastest. You win of course! And the cover is the best… I picture Taylor standing over your shoulder spotting you as you benchpress a platter of McGriddles. GOLD, I tell you! You’re rich all thanks to me! Where’s the Amazon preorder?

Nice form Taylor!
Themoonisdown

Oh and get Taylor another Crest White Strip, I couldn’t see his gleaming chompers from space!

PS TGIF!!!!!!!!!! Time to hit that forum and get to chatting after commenting!

This is how you found us? Vol. 3

f-a-k-e l-e-s-b-i-a-n-s

Dear LTT-ers and lost Googlers-

April is drawing to a close so it’s once again time to crack into our vaults of search terms. I know, I know! It’s just like (buttcrack) Santa came last night and left us all kinds of fun gifts.  So for the uninitiated, wordpress has this handy dandy feature that shows us every day what terms people google to find us. It’s generally the stuff you’d expect: Rob, Twilight, Filet o Fish (of course!) and for some odd reason Muse is one of our biggest terms, but then there are the othesr! And boy, are they off the wall! So we thought man, this is funny stuff- we really have to share it with everyone… and well here we are again with another round of “THIS IS HOW YOU FOUND US?!”

Top searches:
These are terms people used to find both LTT and LTR

• Adam Brody – be still my heart… our secret secret blog? Yup, that’s right: letterstoadambrody.com

• we were fine. i have not left my boyfriend – is that you Kristen Stewart? Are you trying to tell us something? You can email us, ya know!

• i gotta discuss – WHAT? What do you have to discuss with us?? Maybe you should head to the forum?

• 

  He loves me... he loves me not

  stephenie meyer +rob pattinson – equals true love 4ever? She wishes! You can stop googling you and Rob’s name Stephenie, it ain’t gonna change anything! Maybe you should read some fanfic instead

• taylor lautner with his mom – Seriously, right?! We love and adore Papa Filet o Fish but what about Mama Lautner? Is she a Mama Yogurt Parfait? Where is she? Cooking Taylor’s eggwhites? So many questions…

• what would taylor lautner want for a birthday gift? – I don’t know, how about a year membership to 24 Hour Fitness? A copy of season one of Wizards of Waverly Place? Or maybe a My Little Pony comb for his beautimus flowing wig?

Check out more crazy Googles after the cut!

The Wolfpacks 2nd favorite place to hang out

Bom chicka bow woooowwww

Dear Wolfpack Boys-

First off can I just say “DAAAAAAANNNMMM Gina!” You guys are such Panty Rufflers* (copyright ltt and kristen!) for doing this to us! Shirtless, abs, tattoos, hot boys! But NO Jacob?? UGGHH you’re killing me!

I was having one hellacious day until this picture was sent to me and all was once again right with the world. Time and time again I have been impressed with this casting and I’ll say it again, you are restoring my faith in the Twilight franchise: Wolfpack and  Chris Weitz! Keep it up and I will be naming my unborn, unconceieved child after you. Little Christopher Wolf Moon. Has a ring to it, doesn’t it?

But where were we? This is a letter to the Wolves after all.

Wolves… guess what?! Today we are unveiling the long awaited, long prayed for Letters to Twilight and Letters to Rob (you know that one skinny nerdy dude) FORUM!!!!!!! That’s right we now have our very own place dedicated to shooting the shiz every day! So what does that mean for you boys? I’m so glad you asked…

1. We have topics dedicated to talking about the books, the movies, the characters and you guys the actors!

2. Wanna tell Team Edward to suck it, by flexing your manly muscles and shoulder tattoos?! Yup, we got a place for that too.

3. Wanna be 2nd hand embarrassed by bad fan art, bad videos and more? Wanna post a video you guys just made of your daily ab buster workouts mashed up with you guys tearing up an Edward cutout put to music by Wolfmother? Yup, this is the place!

4. Has Daddy Filet o Fish told you guys some awesome gossip about Taylor and Wolfgirl? SPILL YOUR GUTS and we’ll try to debunk the rumors with the help of our awesome Moderators: Jbell, Kristen and Calli (Twi-theater mistress)!

So really, what are you waiting for? Stop staring at yourselves cause you’re so daaaaaamn hot and get over there! But don’t forget to comment here first!

THE Forum: http://letterstotwilight.com/forum

SHHHHHH Team Wolfpack 4 life!
Themoonisdown

PS don’t worry Wolfies we’ll still be writing Letters to you and especially that nerdy wolf here and to that dork over at Letters to Rob! This is just a fun place to hang out, post fun stuff and shoot the shiz!

*Panty Ruffle = female version of Cock Tease. Love this with us! We do!!!!!

Pic source: New Moon Movie via TwiCrack via USAToday! Whew, that was a lot.

UPDATE: thanks to everyone for being patient and giving us a chance to work kinks out with the forum. nothing can ever be simple or easy right? but is anything that is, worth it? Hmmm…

stick with us and give the board a chance once we have things in working order. there are plenty of people to help out if you don’t understand something or want help!

we really appreciate you all keeping an open mind!

THANKS!! we ❤ you!

XO!

This if how you found us? Vol. 2

f-a-k-e l-e-s-b-i-a-n-s

Dear LTT/LTR Readers and Random Googlers –

It’s that time of the month again! Time to go trolling through the search terms that led people to our site. Last month we started this feature because we wanted to share with you awesome readers some of the funny stuff UC and I see on the ‘backend’ of the blogs that never get seen by anyone else. For the uninitiated wordpress has this handy dandy feature that shows us every day what terms people google to find us. Most searches that lead people here are obvious ones like: Twilight, Letters, Rob, shirtless Kellan pics… you know the usuals! But every so often we get a real winner that simply must be shared with the world and here are this months…

Top searches:
These are terms people used to find us

• filet-o-fish fan site – uh no, not us but this sounds like the perfect name for our new LetterstoTaylorsDad fan site. We LOVE you Taylor’s Dad!

• a shirtless jackson rathbone – it warms my heart that we’re thought of as a place where shirtless pics of the cast can be found. Someday I will unveil my gallery of all the shirtless pictures I’ve been collecting since we started these blogs

• kristen stewart looking like shit – so uh you’re looking for just ANY picture of Kristen, huh. Is there any other way she looks?

• robert pattinson buttcrack – Oh HALE nah, who does Rob think he is? Our lover Buttcrack Santa. NEVER!

• Robert pattinson win a date contest 2009 – Brought to you by a Nigerian Prince and the UK Lottery (which you’ve won!). Just ask these girls

• im rob pattinson ex-girlfriend – no you’re not! SHE is!

• robert pattinson hamburger – ok fakerpattz we know this one’s you!

• unicorn jasper – He does speak eloquently about Twilight, but these guys might have something to say about that!

• pornos – um, wrong place dudes. Unless we’re talking Rob, then head over here

• sass family crest – Sass? Was this you?

• does rob pattinson brush his teeth – this is still up for debate

• edward von twiligt – is this anything like the Count von Count?

More funnies after the cut…