Thankfulness oozes from our LTT pores

Dear Twilight, Stephenie Meyer, Chris Weitz, Chris Hansen and everyone else that falls under those 5 titles,

Continuing with our weekend of thanks (aka Moon & UC take a break from blogging due to the pie-coma we’ve been in since Thursday), we opened it up to our readers to share what they are thankful to YOU for in the Twi-world!

Kristin, forum mod, incredible friend and list maker extraordinaire, kicks us off with a sappy, funny, THOROUGH list of thankfulness!

Just wait till you see the hand signals people give you if you leave out the leg hitch

  • I am thankful that Crazy Cathy is a cougar, without her prowess for Rob, we wouldn’t have gotten to see him come to life as Edward Cullen.
  • I am thankful for DVD commentary, without that I wouldn’t have the pleasure of hearing “cheeseburgahs!”, “super human moron” and “there’s always something suspect about a guy who plucks his eyebrows”.
  • I am thankful for DVD’s in general when it comes time to fast forward through Kristen/Bella stuttering in the hospital bed.
  • I’m thankful that Stephanie Meyer had a dream. A dream about a meadow that has changed mine and countless other womens perspective on what  constitutes the perfect man. However I am not thankful for repetitive use of the word “chagrin”.
  • I am thankful for the leg hitch. David Slade, so help me God, that leg hitch better be in there.
  • I shall give thanks to the man who restored my faith in the movies, Chris Wietz. I am so thankful for him, I would iron those mustard colored pants even. Lets try and remain proper, but there are many ways I would like to show just how thankful I am.
  • Also thankful for Michael Sheen and Tweed. (say that last part very seriously)
  • I am thankful that I while I am a mother and I love the Twilight Saga, I am not a twi-mom.
  • I’m thankful that there is a forum, about twilight, that I moderate. Never thought in my life, those 3 things would be together in a sentence.
  • I am thankful that I don’t go one day without thinking about Rob/Twilight/New Moon/LTT/LTR, they are my life now.
  • (here comes LOTS of cheese) I am thankful that I have met people who will be my friends for life, all because of twilight. People I have met and will meet, that are so fabulous, it makes me sad to think I wouldn’t know them if I had just blown off this stupid “vampire book”.

The Twitters were abuzz with thankfulness

Random_Brunette i am thankful for Vanity Fair, Rolling Stone,Chris Weitz,ShirtFree-ness & Heineken,amen 😉

RobwardisSEXX I’m thankful for Rob always having the right amount of scruff on his gorgeous face. & 4 s.meyer’s creations.God bless her.

PhyllmeupRob Im thankful that Rob and Twilight reminded me 2 act young & really feel lifes emotions again without guilt. Cheesy enough?

Follow the cut for so much more thankfulness that you’ll wish you were back in your pie-coma Continue reading

Stuff guys say about Twilight: The Sparkly version

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If only I could sparkle like Edward...

Dear women of LTT,

Has it seemed to you like guys are saying less and less about Twilight? My husband hasn’t said anything remotely sarcastic about it in weeks. Maybe it’s because the hype has died down a bit- it’s like the calm before the storm of New Moon hits. Or maybe *brilliant thought alert* our guys have seen the New Moon clips and are so impressed by the wolves and so unimpressed by Edward’s airbrushed abs that they’re re-thinking their mantra of “Must make fun of Twilight and sparkly vampires- no matter the cost.” And you know there are guys out there that have said, after seeing the clips of Edward shirtless (or finding your homemade, shirtless Edward bookmark in your Bible), “That’s it!? That’s what turns you on? Babe, give me two days to work off this Hot Pocket & Heineken gut, and I’ll show you something to get turned on about.” Right, that’s the same.

Anyway, to remind us of how much guys love to talk about how Edward sparkles & to get us excited for all the amazing things guys are going to say about New Moon, I’ve come across a few unshared stories about stuff guys say about Twilight. Can we start taking bets NOW on how long after New Moon is released it will be before we start hearing “I’ll show you a New Moon” while our guy bends over and pulls down his pants? Oh- today’s images brought to you by google image searching “Edward Sparkles”

Seriously corpse-looking Edward: Any funny business and I'll say "Cookie."

Seriously corpse-looking Edward: Any funny business and I'll say "Cookie."

Jennifer’s convo with her moisturized man:

So, I get up in the morning and shower for work and I notice that my last bottle of Caress Shimmering Body Lotion is nearly empty and propped upside down in the shower caddy. Well, I didn’t do that, so my first guess was that the husband did. *ahem*

So the next day, I made a quip about how my lotion was almost gone “The shimmery lotion …” I said, trying to make him feel gay for using glitter.

So he says, “It was the only lotion there was! I think you just wanted me to sparkle like Edward.”

During a recent viewing of Twilight, Twisted Larissa had the following conversation:

Boyfriend: Are you seriously watching this again?
Me: Shut up
Boyfriend: Why doesnt he just do her instead of flying across the room like a dumbass?
Me: He cant…its complicated…he loves her but the smell of her…
Boyfriend: Nevermind its gay. Plus he sparkles
Me: You wouldnt understand
Boyfriend
: I understand that the fag wont just do her, she obviously wants it
Me: Ugh why cant you be more like Edward
Boyfriend: Edward? Is that the cute shirtless indian?
Me: Who’s gay now?
And a Unicorn, who is potentially my uncle, shares his story:

hellnoDear LTT,

After months of prodding my wife “leveraged” me into reading Twilight by rewarding me for each chapter. Hell, for that I would read the entire Jane Austen collection. But I digress. As far as the Twilight series…let me sum it up:

  • Bella, annoying teenager that I don’t understand.
  • Edward, a girly vampire (did I mention he is very attractive and sparkles…it was pretty much a sub-plot of the book).
  • Jacob, seems like a cool hairy guy except for his obsession with Bella, but seems to be the only one that a real man would come close to relating to.

The books were a quick read and not all that bad, except for the 45 page tirades about how good Edward looked, or how good he smelled, or how good of a person he was, or how noble he was, or …you get the point. So other than that, the 25 remaining pages of Twilight were tolerable. I just still do not understand what all the fuss is about. I mean, I tried rubbing glitter all over my body to see if it would make me more attractive during a recent trip to the park. I am of Scandanavian decent so I already have the paleness! All I got was a lot of curious stares…perhaps I should have used more hairgel. That must have been the problem.

At any rate, I told my wife that I would gladly escort her to the New Moon premiere as long as I can write “Team Jacob” down my arms and debate with teenage girls about the merits of why Edward is a virus carrying pedophile.

Sincerely,
A pale Sparkly Team Jacob Member

This Unicorn’s email address said his name was the same as my uncles. I had a panic attack. Seriously. His email address even looked like my uncles. So I wrote him back saying this:

Dear Team Jacob member who has the same name as my uncle & is really creeping me out that you might actually be my uncle so if you happen to have 3 children & live in Pennsylvania let’s just keep this between us. At thanksgiving I won’t mention Team Jacob & you don’t mention knowing I lust over Rob Pattinson. Capiche?,

Hugs… see ya at Mom-moms,
UC

So is it just my guy who has stopped talking about Twilight!? What have your guys talked about lately? Oh, and Bobbygee– we’re counting on you to give us something good today!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

After the jump, find out who won our cafe-press T-shirt contest! Continue reading

Kristen Stewart: Love her? or Hate her?

Someone sent us an email yesterday with some “suggestions” and one of them was “be nicer to KStew.” We took it to heart. Kinda. We have two different fan letters offering some KStew love and some KStew, uh, not love. PS this is long. But worth it. Trust

Kristen Stewart – Stop Making Me Feel Bad For You.

Dear Kristen,

Do you have a lot of free time on your hands? Did the long break between New Moon and Eclipse make you go a little crazy? Because I do not see any other case why you would be haunting my dreams trying to make me feel bad for you. Yes, I call you a possum behind or your back, and tell anyone who will listen about your “keen acting style,” which I describe as a combination of blinking and the stuttering random incoherent sentences. And honestly, you get to kiss one of the hottest pieces of ass out there right now, so maybe i’m just slightly jealous of you so I talk shit about you. GET OVER IT. Its not cool to come into my dreams, also known as my Rob Fantasy Time, and be all awkward and pathetic. I know you are like that in person too, but for some strange reason my dream self feels bad for you instead of just annoyed like I am. Right now. With you. Do you not have better things to do then to bug me? Are Michael Oregano’s texts becoming far and fewer in between? You know, maybe if you don’t want him to know your secretly banging Rob on set you could try to not look so DAMN SATISFIED every time your around him. Its downright nauseating. But anyways, since you seem to have all this extra time to PESTER me with, I have come up with some ideas on how to kill some time.

  • Rotten Stew

    Rotten Stew

    Shower Daily. I know this one seems like a hassle and Rob likes you dirty, but damn girl. I could deep fry some french fries with the grease coming out of your hair. And maybe while you’re in there you can sing little melodies to yourself like the one you sing in Into The Wild – because HOT DAMN that was shit was B.O.M.B., right?

  • Grease Is The Word.

    Grease Is The Word.

    Find Shirts That Fit You Correctly. This I think will help you kill time the most. You seem to think that if you just knot your shirt on the side then its good to go – its not. INSTEAD, why don’t you just buy clothes in your size? Judging by the recent picture I saw of you, I’d say you’re about a 2 days from anorexic, or maybe 3. I can’t be sure, but that’s what dressing rooms are there for. (I KNOW!! Who’s of thought people would want to try stuff on before they bought it!!? Crazy!!)

  • Get Back Together With Michael. Now you are not the President so I’m pretty sure you don’t give a shit about your approval rating, but I am telling you it will SKYROCKET if you get back with Michael and let everyone think Rob is available again. Plus, Michael seems like a pretty good guy, and I’m sure after a bong and a half old memories will come rushing back to you – and you’ll wonder what you ever saw in the smelly unclean British boy.
  • Go Be A Guest Star On a Crappy TV Show Trying To Be Like Twilight. Have you heard of all the ones they’ve made? Its almost ridiculous – I can’t keep up. But if you’re wanting to kill some time and feel like showing off those acting chops, I’m sure any show would be ECSTATIC to have you. It’d be like a visit from the mother ship, the creator, their very reason for being – Or at least that is how your agent could pitch it so you get mega $$ for doing like 10 minutes of some blinking and sighing. I wouldn’t want to burden you with having to learn actual lines that you’ll probably just change anyway to something more artistic. You know add a couple um’s, you know’s, like’s, uh’s and mMm’s – signature KStew Style.
  • "Are You Seeing Those Bright Lights Too, Michael?"

    "Are You Seeing Those Bright Lights Too, Michael?"

    Try To NOT Get Photographed Doing Illegal Things. In case you forgot, you are not invisible. So every time you go outside to light up a little MaryJane, we can all see you. And those of us with cameras are going to take advantage of it. You might have noticed that one time when you and Michael were smoking on what looks like your front porch some bright flashes. NO, those were not hallucinations from some DOPE SHIT, those were camera flashes snapping away as you slowly get stoned. Then this summer I saw leaked pictures of you sipping on some Heinkien. Honey, we’re in America and in case you didn’t get around to noticing – the drinking age here is 21.

*Sigh* I’m hoping you’ll put my suggestions to good use. I know you’re a busy girl, but these things could really help your image too. You’ll be cleaner and well-liked, and I’ll sleep better and stop being angry for feeling bad for you. Its a WIN WIN. Now, listen up closely Stewart if I see your face again after I post this I’m going to take that as a F*CK YOU, JanuaryMorning. Which, in which case means all out war – and you will lose. K, great – well I’m glad we got this all cleared up and I confessed all the things I say about you so when we meet you’re not surprised or anything.

Hoping To NEVER See You (in my dreams) Again,
January Morning

That was the KStew love letter. Read the hate after the jump. Continue reading

A tear jerker Twilight Thursday

Dear LTTers,

We’ve shared this week about the crazy letters we get from special Twilighters who provide us with countless laughs.  But for every 10 25 crazy emails we get, we read one that brings us to tears.  Today we’re going to set-aside the normal funny jokes & banter (I know you don’t believe me- you think I’m gonna post a picture of Buttcrack Santa singing “Friends are Friends forever” with Tequila Tomas, but I’m being serious) because we received a letter that touched us so deeply that it can’t not be shared:

To me the Twilight Saga has more meaning than most.
It has actually changed my life!

twibooksI know that sounds crazy but please let me explain:

Almost 3 years ago I had an accident that resulted in a head injury. I have been trying to re-learn everything, but without short term memory, it is a huge, frustrating, challenge. The best way to describe my life is like living the movie “Fifty First Dates” without the humor! I feel “lost in space” most of the time. My brain now reacts like pieces of a puzzle that have been thrown up in the air, and I am constantly trying to grab them to put them back in place! Reading had always been my escape- my passion- until the accident. Since then, no matter how hard I tried, I either couldn’t understand the most simplest of words, or couldn’t hold on to the information long enough so that I could follow the story. I had all but given up hope. Then came Twilight!

My daughter knew I’d love the movie, but because I can’t ever go out (It’s very hard with a head injury, you look “normal”, so people don’t understand if you’re dizzy or say the wrong word, and it became too embarrassing (especially when people assumed I was drunk!) I stopped going anywhere). So she waited for the DVD to be released and didn’t tell me she also bought the book. Using the movie as a guideline, I tried to read the book. What I couldn’t follow or understand while reading, I would use the movie I had loaded onto my computer, to refer to. It took many months and lots of notes, but I DID IT! I read my 1st book! I can never find the words to express how I felt the day I came to the last page! A precious gift had been given back to me!

How do I thank everyone for creating a movie with characters that were interesting enough for me to WANT to read the book. A story, so well written that I REFUSED to give up until I finished reading it. Although I lose pretty much all of it after I sleep, it’s a worthwhile challenge to watch the movie and read the book every day, to keep practicing! (Although I have to admit on a couple of occasions, I made myself stay awake all night because I was at such a great part in the book, I didn’t want to lose it!!) I must hold the record for having watched and read Twilight the most times!! A friend of mine was even keeping count for awhile, I think she stopped after 122 or something! I wish I could personally thank Stephenie Meyer, Melissa Rosenberg, Catherine Hardwicke & the entire cast for giving back to me the gifts of courage, strength and determination. Who knows what is next, maybe I WILL find the courage to go OUT to see New Moon! The thought alone terrifies me, but I know that I have to keep trying, that I can NEVER give up because dreams do come true! My most sincere thanks to all!

Sincerely,
Cyndi

How many tissues did you go through during that story? To quote Jessica Stanley, “I know, right?

Cyndi shared with us that LTT/LTR have made it onto one of her infamous post-its, to remind her to read it everyday! And even though it sometimes takes her hours to read what we write, when she finishes and ‘gets’ the joke, she is laughing along with all of us!

Cyndi- you joked that you were going to have to write a post-it note to remind yourself that your letter is going to be posted. Hope the reminder worked & we didn’t scare you! Thank you again for sharing your beautiful story and not only touching me & Moon, but I’m guessing everyone who reads this post today!

Kellan bear hugs from both of us,
UC & Moon

PS: Decided to throw you a little “Cullen Smile” after the jump Continue reading

Praying and Fasting: For a better New Moon

new-moon-poster-kristen-stewartDear intelligent LTT readers who know better than to love a Young Adult novel & its poorly made movie adaptation but love it anyway,

Comic Con is over. We saw the new clip. We’ve seen the new pictures. The official website is up, and so New Moon time is ON.  It’s time we start our “Fasting & Praying for a better New Moon” which is a phrase we borrowed from our friend Lula who is doing a similar concept with her Twi-pals.

You’ve heard us say it countless times- We love Stephenie Meyer & the world she created. We love Robert Pattinson’s portrayal of Edward & (some of us) love Kristen as Bella, but a LOT about Twilight the movie just plain BLEW.  Buttcrack Santa? Thank you Melissa Rosenberg for writing him in because he’s my favorite character to make fun of, but really? Oh gosh, you’ve all read our blog- I don’t need to keep going- you know what we hated about the movie.

I saw Twilight 5 times in the theaters and have watched the DVD 3 times now (once with the commentary- I know! That’s nothing) and each time I watch it the more embarrassed I am that I spent over $50 at the movie theaters (plus all the money I spent on popcorn- b/c I can’t see a movie without out- seriously. Even if I just had popcorn for dinner, I’d still get popcorn in the theater)

We recently got this email from an LTT reader

Dear Melissa Rosenberg,

Twilight was a joke movie. I love Twilight and have seen it 800,000 times because (of Rob) of my love for the books, but to be honest, it’s a really terrible, second-hand embarrassing movie. The first time I watched it, I had not read the books yet, and I walked out. Of course, after I read the books I went back and watched it 3 more times in theaters. I had been contemplating whether New Moon would be just as…lame for lack of better words, or would it actually live up to it’s explosive hype? Of course, it doesn’t matter, it will still make bazillions in the box office, Twihards around the world, including myself, will watch it multiple times in theaters. But with the AMAZING trailer and all the set videos and visit reports, will the movie end up being an actual good movie that humans beyond the Twiworld would be able to enjoy? I have been pondering this question for awhile, and I had high hopes, because of new direction, a bigger budget, and Rob. But then I remembered. Yes, the director has been replaced (love the coug, but my, my was the directing terrible), and the stunts and make up will actually look professional this time around, but I’m sorry, the worst part about the movie was…THE SCRIPT. It was all your fault. Well not all, but you play a big role in why Twilight was unintentionally hilarious. The dialogue was SO incredibly cheesedick. Come on, “How you likin’ da rain grrrrrrrrl?” It’s not ‘hip’ to talk like that anymore. Nor was it ever. “Any cold…wet…thing…” Really? REALLY? You couldn’t come up with something better to respond to how ‘shez likin da rain?’ And why does Edward HAVE to show Bella he’s sparkly after she says it…OUTLOUD (that made Edward sound like a douche btw). Oh dear, MelMel, you really butchered it. See, because of you, not only do Twihards get made fun of for liking the books, but they are REALLY looked down upon for liking the movie. You should be ashamed of yourself. I really, really hope you watched Twilight yourself, realized how much you assraped the script, and wrote a less parody-like screenplay for New Moon. Stop smokin’ da herb grrrrrrl. Thanks.

Love,
me.

MelMel: At fault? Or another victim of Cathy Hardy's wacky ways?

MelMel: At fault? Or another victim of Cathy Hardy's wacky ways?

So I have to ask. Was it the script? I think that was a huge contributing factor.  So our first prayer & first object of fasting is for “MelMel,” as the email writer called her, to step it up a notch & lay off the ‘suck’ with the New Moon script.

I think she can do it. I mean, she’s got a pretty impressive resume up on imdb. She wrote for Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman for gosh sakes! I wanted to do Sully before I even knew what ‘doing’ meant. But seriously, she’s written for The OC, which like it or love it, is a brilliantly written show, and she is currently a writer for Dexter. I’ve only seen a few episodes and they’re creepily awesome, but it’s one of Moon’s favorite shows and she agrees that the writing is very creative & well-done.

So she’s obviously experienced, although those 3 shows I mentioned (yes, I wasn’t kidding about Dr. Quinn) are all TV shows, and I understand the process is different for TV versus film. Moon argues that she thinks ‘the cougar” (aka Hardy- Catherine Hardwicke) may have had a lot to do with botching the script & added some of those cheeseball lines we all cringe to hear. Admit it- the first month or two you made excuses for those lame lines like “LA Push it’s… La Push” and “Purple’s cool” saying they were “cute” and ‘just a few high school kids playing around.” But by now, we’re over making excuses- we admit it- those lines sucked big time. Did “MelMel” write them in? Or was it Hardy’s fault?

I don’t know and I doubt we ever will.  All I know is that it’s Monday night at 9:51 pm and I just had myself a cupcake (of course), a glass of wine (fine 4 glasses), half a bag of pirate’s booty, some pasta, shrimp fried rice & an apple because my fast starts tomorrow and I’m not going to eat much from now until November.  And I’m holding my eyes opened in preparation for them being closed in a three and 1/2 month prayer that MelMel figured out a way to best write the script so that Chris Weitz can represent those empty pages with just the names of the months listed when Bella is barely surviving visually and beautifully so that not a single sound is heard in any theater across the globe on November 20 other than the sound of heart-broken, sobbing Unicorns & women.

Only 114 more days until I can eat again,
UnintendedChoice

What do you think? Did Melissa Rosenberg have a lot to do with Twilight’s issues? Are you worried about her involvement with New Moon?

Fun Fact: I drafted this post days ago, and when I went into it last night to do a final edit & schedule for today, I noticed I called the screenwriter: Melissa ROBsenberg

Moon loves Rob. And wrote him something special on LTR
The Forum loves you. Go love it back

How do people know I like Twilight?

Dear Twilight,

I might be a little paranoid.  My Facebook quote has said for awhile:

Sometimes I go into a store, and try to be as casual as possible… but I just have this major fear that… they know…

twilight-book-coverI do! I fear that when I’m browsing the books at Target, not even LOOKING for Twi-stuff, everyone STARES at me when my eye catches the black cover of one of the books. When I’m in line at the checkout counter at the grocery store, and I casually pick up the latest Cosmo mag to see if they’re still trying to convince people that guys like hot/cold “down there” (they don’t…) and I notice a teeny tiny pic of Rob, I feel like people hear my heart skip a beat and STARE. I’m paranoid. Clearly

A friend recently wrote on my facebook wall, “UC! I haven’t talked to you in forever. I’m reading the Twilight books by Stephenie Meyer (you know they’re a new fan when they give you too much info as if you wouldn’t know what series they were talking about) and my husband told me about your blog! I LOVE it!” Okay #1) How the H does your husband know about my little secret blog? #2) NOT ON MY FACEBOOK WALL! I know I act all uber open & passionate about Twilight on LTT & LTR, but I do not talk about it in person. It kills me not to correct someone when they call him “Robert Patterson” or say the series takes place in “Forks, Oregon,” but I don’t do it. I’m smoothe, I’m cool… I’m not outing myself for Twilight.

Recently Moon & I received an e-mail from a wonderful LTT/LTR reader named “K.” It said:

You found me on facebook!?  What?! I kinda felt like you guys do when people randomly mention your blog to you and you panic that people know.  I don’t mind reading hilarious blogs and sharing hot, goofy, or hilarious pics and other such things to people I’ve never met but share the same infatuation, but I need to salvage my dignity and reputation as a sane human being by pretending I don’t know what people are talking about when they mention sparkling men or naughty dumpster fantasies.

I’m the kind of person, that when asked if I’ve read/like Twilight, I respond, “yeah, I read the books a while ago (also last week) and thought they were pretty good.” Minor downplaying, you know, just so I’m still credible in the eyes of the rest of the human race.

Anyways, so I’m sure you can imagine my momentary dilemma when I got this friend request: to-be-friend or not-to-be-friend. As tempting as it was, I just had to click ignore.

So, I guess this is just my letter to you, apologizing for being that kid in high school who would myspace all weekend but pretend they’ve never seen you before come math class monday morning.

Anywho, I love you both though I’ll never publicly admit it. ❤ K

We weren’t hurt! I would never be friends with us on Facebook if I wasn’t actually us. (Actually, neither one of us ARE friends with LTT on facebook… ha!)

Every ticket comes with a free pair of earplugs

Every ticket comes with a free pair of earplugs

So, I’ve been thinking about why I won’t “out” myself and really confess to my “real” world how big of a fan I am. Besides the obvious reasons of the crazy fan-girl lusty moments I have over Robert Pattinson, I think it’s because Twilight isn’t “okay” for adults to like. Don’t get me wrong- WE think it’s ‘okay’ because we GET IT. But I’d say the majority of people judge it as young adult/teenage-nonsense/MTV garbage. We’ve all read the interviews with Stephenie- she never set out to write Young Adult fiction…. I’m gonna argue that I don’t think she did write young adult fiction. I just think that’s the genre her publisher put her in.

Crap. Darn that Little brown bear. Or little Bear Brown… Whatever… Darn Steph’s publishing company for making me live a secret life. And while I’m ‘darning’ people (yes, I say darning, please love it), Darn Robert Pattinson for being so damn hot and making me get so lusty online that I have to hide in this virtual bubble where I spent the majority of my time. So much time that often when I come out of my bubble into the ‘real’ world I answer people by saying “That’s Normal,” introducing myself as “UC,” referring so often to my friend “Moon” in Los Angeles that I joke people must think we’re becoming “fake lesbians.” Yes, I get strange looks.

Maybe it’s not such a crazy idea to think that people are staring at me….Maybe I’m not as normal as I think…..

Nah, “That’s Normal”
UnintendedChoice

Be Normal in The Forum
Lust over Rob on LTR
Read more Twilosophy here

So what is it? Why do most of us hide our obsession from our ‘real’ lives!?


Stuff people tell us about Twilight. That we already know

For example, we've already seen this hot pic of Ashley and discussed how we want to be lesbians with her (not the fake kind, either)

For example, we've already seen this hot pic of Ashley and discussed how we want to be lesbians with her (not the fake kind, either)

Dear people who email us,

We love you. We really do. We love hearing from you. Promise. Even though sometimes it stresses me out that every time I check my email (like every 5-7 minutes) I have 5-7 new emails from you. But we love you despite that. Even though we don’t have time to write back promptly, which makes me sad because we hate not being prompt. We still love you more than you know.

We love you even though you tell us things we already know. (Yes, we heard Kristen was caught wearing Rob’s shirt, and no, we don’t think it magically shrunk from a male size M to a female size XS so it now fits Kristen snugly.  There is a small chance they have the same shirt) We love you even though you tell us things 3 weeks late. (Yes, we heard Kristen held Jackson’s hand leaving dinner in Vancouver and no, we don’t think they’re secretly dating.) We love you even when 5-7 of you send us an email that says the exact same thing, with the exact same picture/post with the exact same plea to “Break it down” or post it as “2nd-hand embarrassment.” (We’ve seen every one of the Twilight/Edward/Rob tattoos possible and promise we’re so 2nd-hand embarrassed we’re not even sure how to respond)

We love you all.

And we are huge fans, just like you

We are bloggers. We do this full time. (Don’t tell our bosses)

We also know about this thing called “Google alerts” and also use them. If you have a google alert set for the words “Rob Pattinson” (which all good RPattz fans should), you will get the same exact alerts that we get. It’s magic. Hug Larry Page next time you see him.

We usually find out those 5-7 things you sent us before anyone else (Except for Gozde at Robsessed.. that girl knows everything- We swear she’s actually Rob)

If we did not post something you emailed us 5-7 times, it was intentional. Cuz we can’t break it all down. We’re not superwomen (Fine yes, we are.. .but we limit our super powers to a limited number of things)

So, if in the next 5-7 minutes you were planning on drafting the following topics in an email to us, maybe think twice.

  • We’ve seen the Jizz in my Pants Twilight spoof & laughed hard. Like 6 months ago.
  • Taylor got buff. We know. We stared.hard would never care about that because he is a child
  • We will not feel bad if you send us hate mail because you bought the Edward Action figure thinking he’s be so awesome and so much fun, but it turns out he sucks. We told you that back in January. Just because we were the first to photograph him at random spots around the globe doesn’t mean it’s fun, in fact, it’s really 1st-hand embarassing.
  • Yep, we’ve seen the Wolfpack.  Yep, they’re smokin’.  Yep, we wish they would have been in the trailer too. Yep, we think they’ll be in the next one. Nope, we can’t admit Taylor is hot, he’s a child.
  • Yes. Seen the trailer. Finally admitting Taylor’s muscles are freakin’ hot. Arrest me, Chris Hansen. 17 is legal some places.

Love you 5-7 times more than you thought we did,
UC & Moon

This is not a post telling anyone to stop emailing us (unless you were about to press send on an email telling us Rob is in NYC- we KNOW), it is merely an excuse to use that hot picture of Ashley. Oh, and to also tell the girl who emailed us earlier (thinking we’re Rob) who is planning on telling her friends she found Rob Pattinson’s e-mail address that Rob is really looking forward to hearing from her.

-I have this weird thing where I have to mention Larry Page at least once a day.
-I think Moon is actually posting about seeing Sam Bradley this weekend on LTR. Go check now & e-mail her hate mail if she hasn’t shared with us her magical experience yet. I’ll give you her direct line at work to hate call her too.
-Guilty of e-mailing us news 6 months late? Follow us on Twitter and you’ll know whatever we know, whenever we know it
-Need more LTR or LTT and are sad we only post once per day? Go to the Forum & you’ll never be alone. (Seriously, we got 3 new viagara spammers yesterday who personally private messaged me asking for the e-mail addresses for lonely girls. Apparently they have a ‘fix’ for your lonliness)

A Unicorn and another wanna-be Uni…

Wanna-be Unicorn

vickybunicorn

hubs who love Edward are HOT

Dear Edward,

I was laughing my ass off today when I finally had time to get to the computer. My husband (who normally does not encourage my Twilight computer time) kept hinting for me to come see something on the computer, but I kept putting him off b/c I was in the middle of making dinner.

When I finally did sit down I couldn’t help but feel like someone was staring at me. Imagine my surprise when I looked over my left shoulder and saw ol’ Rpattz staring down at me with his sex on fire self. Grrrr. So, I am not sure what to think of this, does my husband want to be a unicorn or does this mean I have to return the favor??? I hope he doesn’t think I am going to pin up a poster of Megan Fox out in the garage.

<3,
Vickyb

Vickyb- I’d say he’s a Unicorn, in my opinion. I also say he’s smokin’ and I give him our ‘hot hubby of the day’ award.

Actual Unicorn

I, like Jordan, am too a guy, though maybe not as much of an upfront one! Do excuse the formality of my style, as such things do not come to me easily *sheepish grin*

In the year 2030, I feel my own son will be of age to read the great books that have shaped and formed the minds of generations: Oscar Wilde, Dicken’s, of course, a selection of Jane Austen, even dear Kasaprov, as contested as his status still is amongst such greats. Why, I think I shall even suggest he reads the Harry Potter series, though many would question that choice more than giving a 12 year old boy Kasaprov!

There is one series however, that stands upon it’s own lustrative altar. For it’s sheer doctrinaire propensity and unsalable differed equity from the other books, I believe my son (and may he be smart enough to realize it’s stolidity) should quite fully read, amongst Mary Shelley and Saaverda, the complete Twilight works.

So amazed I am by both it’s quality and it’s obvious appeal to people all across the globe. It’s seems a book capable of crossing language barriers, just as Shakespeare has. In my mind, I imagine a little girl, in the slums of Africa, picking up this series, and learning English, just so she can read it fully. The simplicity of the language, yet the content of concupiscence aimed at the perfect gudgeon leaves in my mind a feeling of awe, both at the cunning skillfulness in which Stephenie Meyer traps her audience and the way she weaves the net around so many young, and older women (and quite a few men too!).

I stand in constant awe of the popularity and abhorrence of Stephenie Meyer’s series.
My son will be made to read it as a guide on great writing.

Hoping always for a bright future, Calum

*whoa- he wins our hero of the day award, for reals!

Other great Unicorns here!

A Halloween Surprise

Dear Edward,

When Halloween rolled around last October, my husband informed me he would be dressing up like you. At first I thought he was joking, but it turned out he was serious. It was something I secretly desired and being the great catch he is, he actually went through with it.

married-life-3671

I'm gonna guess that "Edward" got some lovin' that night!

I was afraid no one would recognize him, so I sported a “Team Edward” tee just in case.

We weren’t prepared for the reaction we would get while trick-or-treating with family.

We had moms whisper in coy voices, “I know who you are,” with an oh so subtle wink. Their husbands looked confused asking, “I don’t get it, who is he? He’s wearing normal clothes?”

aOne cougar almost pounced on him chanting, “Oh yeah, Oh yeah baby.” (She was like, 45)

edwardhalloween

Fangirls follow him wherever he goes

But the best reaction came from teenage girls. One group of girls SCREAMED, yes, SCREAMED when they saw my love dressed up like you (my other love, coincidentally)

It was as if he WAS you by their response. They followed him around, they giggled when he took pictures with them. Some were even dressed as Bella and Alice.

We got such a good response that he volunteered to dress up like you again for the premiere. {Okay, maybe I forced him too} He endured cat calls all night and photo sessions with numerous twi-hards. He kept saying he looked stupid, like he had an eye disease because who wears sunglasses at night? But he looked hott. Super hott. Clearly, I wasn’t the only one who thought this because the group of grown women sitting next to us kept hitting on him.

So thank you Edward (and of course to Rob for giving Edward his “look”), for being such an appropriate muse.

Love, Malia

maliahubby

Coming soon "LetterstoMaliashusband.com"

Move over Rob, I’ll take Kellan

Robert Patti-who?

Robert Pattin-who?

Dear Kellan,

So, I’ve met you 3 times and I’ll stand in line for days to meet you 3 more times. I don’t get the whole hype on Rob. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the guy is amazingly gorgeous, but you are one of the sweetest people I have ever met. Is it totally crazy to think that someone’s kind personality can make them cuter than a so-called RPattz?

a

People out there need to realize that just because you don’t have greasy hair and a British accent doesn’t make you any less attractive. Oh, and I’m sorry, but I don’t think Rob’s body even compares to the one that you’ve got.

a

I’m all about Team Edward, but when it comes to the actors that play the characters in the book, it’s Team Kellan for me.

Someone needs to get that boy some oil blotting sheets pronto. He's start to grease up like Robbie

Someone needs to get this boy some oil blotting sheets pronto. He's starting to grease up like Robbie

Xoxo,
Joleena

a

*about TIME someone gave Kellan some love!

Interested in joining Kellan’s Bible study? Yeah, we are too