Team Cullen take over the Olympics

*It isn’t often we get letters to just the Cullen family, but Luludee was so inspired by the current winter Olympics she just had to get the Cullens involved*

Go for the gold Cullens!

Dear Cullen Family,

I’d like to start off by letting you know that I am in no way what you would call a “fan” of sports in general, though I know that your family enjoys tossing/hitting some balls around. But, like some sort of sports-werewolf, for two weeks every two years, I undergo a transformation and become a rabid avid fan of individual athletic prowess and “We are the World” oneness that is the Olympics.

It’s 2010, which means it is time for another round of the Winter edition of the ultimate competition. I’ve been watching every single night and I believe that I’ve just discovered a future cover for the Cullen Family: Winter Olympic Athletes! You guys were made for this: you’re cold, you’re pale and you possess super-human prowess. You’ll fit right in! I know you might be dubious, but just hear me out. I’ve figured out which sport each of you could compete in. Besides, you’re not fooling me. It’s gotta be hella-boring living the quiet life in Forks, Washington, werewolf feuds and Vampire lynch-mobs notwithstanding. It’s time for the Cullen family to live a little, no pun intended. Let’s Do This!!

Carlise's competition? Eric Yorkie!

Carlisle – We all know you’ve been around for a while and possess a gentle and kind spirit. Yet, despite your meek appearance, a strong, hard beast capable of great feats lies within. I found a sport that’s almost as old as you and looks somewhat easy but actually requires deceptive strength and stamina: Speed Skating. As a vampire, I’d think it would be nice and relaxing as well as easy to control, so as to make the competition look more convincing. As an added bonus (for us and Esme) you will be required to wear skin tight lycra and will be bent over at the waist allowing for a nice view of your assets. (Seriously, have you SEEN these guys?!)

Esme – Imma be honest. I had a hard time figuring out the best event for you. I finally decided that Ski Jumping best suited you…you know since you have experience jumping off of high places. But unlike your previous forays, here you can look graceful whilst flying through the air and you’ll land softly and beautifully with no injuries. No muss, no fuss.

Rosalie – Passive-aggressive insults, bitter rivalries, fast paced pushing and shoving, and an ever present risk to cut a bitch – it’s Short Track** for you! Me thinks the South Korean team would welcome you with open arms. Oh snap!

Oh snap follow the cut for the rest of the fam!

New Level of dedication: Twilight Flow Chart

Dear Twilight,

Yesterday, UC and I were having a discussion about the Wolfpack ladies. UC kept confusing Tinsel Korey with Julia Jones and I was kept confusing Julia Jones with January Jones who she most certainly isn’t and it became clear: We needed a flow cart to remember all these new folks and how they’re all connected in the Twilight world. So I set out to create a master flow chart and as the day wore on (and on) and I remembered more and more connections and it become more of a circle flow chart, cause just like Rafiki tells us: it’s the circle of life and it moves us all.

And what came out looks a lot like a grade school project… next up book reports and a diorama of Bella’s room in a shoe box.

Yea, this is what you do with your spare time when you’re a Twilight blogger.

Twilight Dork of the Day Award Recipient/Life Time Achievement Nominee,
Themoonisdown

Enjoy this cause it took for darn near ever. Oh and click on it to open in a new window, cause it’s HUGE!

Clicky to enlarge and be amazed at my time wasting!

Um yea! If I missed anything TOO BAD! hahaha

Go enjoy a letter to Rob that rules!
Talk about this level or nerdiness in the forum!

Take the cut to see a special treat

Happy Birthday UC, Love the Cullens and the rest of the gang!

Dear UnintendedChoice (your FULL fake name, this is a formal situation!)-

These blogs are usually meant as a place for us to write letters to Twilight and Rob but since it’s you’re birthday and I’m going to hell, I’m breaking ALL the rules! See, I can’t even get through an opening line without quoting this blasted series/movie, can you believe what it’s done to us?! I can’t! But what I can believe is it’s your BIRTHDAY!!! And you’re 21! Forever 21, ya’ll. Ok, maybe not 21 but a lady never reveals such secrets. I’m struggling right now to straddle the line between bringing the  funny and gushing uncontrollably about how much I love you. In a fake lesbian, life partners, blog partners kind of way, OF COURSE.

I can’t image a better person to run a blog empire with! Whenever I’m feeling particularly uncreative I know I can ‘break it down’ with you and I’ll come up with the best post ever. It’s like we always say “we’re better together” cause no one can help bring out the funny like you. You are the yin to my yang, the Bella to my Edward, the Sage to my Dills.

Please always be my life partner!
Themoonisdown

PS The Cullens sent me this rad picture and birthday poem they wrote* just for you!

We dress like this for ALL special occasions

When you open your presents, try not to hurt your finger,
for the scent of blood, Jasper can’t stand to linger,
and if Edward throws you ON TOP the table,
you’d better be ready, willing and able
cause he’s 107**, and oh so pure,
but you my dear, are his only cure!
So have some cake, some ice cream too,
and know that us Cullens all love you !

Happy Birthday UC,
The Cullens (your future in-laws)

*major thanks to the lovely Kristin for helping a writers blocked Moon with this awesome poem!
** we debated if it was 107 or 108 so uh someone set us straight!

Bad case of lovin’ Dr. Cullen

We haven’t posted a fan letter in awhile on LTT and have never posted a letter to Carlisle. It’s high time the Doctor gets some lovin’ too!

Dear Dr. Cullen-

Alright. This isn’t easy for me…. but I think it needs to be said.

I love you.

I was in denial for a long time. I thought Edward was the only vampire for me. You were a father figure to me while I read the books, and I loved you, but in a completely non-sexual kind of way. You were kind of Dumbledore-esque— a wise, mysterious older man that has all the answers and an incredible gift for what he does.

But then… somewhere in the wee morning hours of November 21st 2008, you pushed your way through that emergency room door and into my pants heart. It hit me like a ton of bricks…. Being in my early 20’s myself, I thought—realistically—who would I rather have: a 17 year old virginal vampire, or a 23 year old vampire doctor with 300+ years of *ahem* “life” experience, known for his unparalleled compassion and being extreme skillful with his hands?

So Carlisle, I just can’t help myself. I want to have bed breaking, house crushing, mind-blowingly awesome vampire sex with you!! (Even if it means a half human half vampire baby will break my spine and eat its way out of my body…).

I mean, what’s one night of lust with a Twilight fan when you’ve got eternity?! Seriously?!?! I’ll have a chat with Esme if you want me to. I’m sure she won’t mind. Hell, Esme could come too! As long as she promised never to wear that stupid hat from the baseball scene again (Let’s not lie, it made her head look a good 6 inches taller than any normally proportioned head should be… not to mention it brought attention to her *ahem* “extraordinarily realistic wig”).

Furthermore, based on the amount videos montages of you I’ve seen set to Sexyback and Doctor Doctor, I know that I’m not the only one with these feelings. If you won’t indulge me with one night of pleasure… then I will ask you this:

Since you’ve lived through the entire history of modern medicine… do us all a favor, and spend the next 100 years as a gynecologist.

Carlisle Cullen, OBGYN. I think it has a nice ring to it.

Call me!

-Schön Duck

Breaking down my embarrassment

Dear “artist” who did this, uh, beautiful oil painting,

Here are my thoughts:

• I’m really 2nd-hand embarrassed for you
• Obviously this is Isle Esme and we all love those chapters in Breaking Dawn, but in the words of Lauren from Lauren’s Bite, this is just “sicknast”
• It’s one thing if it was just Bella & Edward, but those are clearly Rob & Kristen’s faces (and, oh! I’m just so 2nd-hand embarrassed!)
• Why is Edward silver?
• This reminds me of my Grandma chalk art ministry. Except instead of illustrating sex, she would hide something about Jesus in the clouds. Then she’d turn on a black light and wha-la! Jesus would appear.  What appears when you turn your black light on? A large vampire erecti bite?
• Why did you give Bella such beautiful, large breasts? Stephenie was so clear that everything about Bella is “average”
• Where and WHY was this ever made?
  
• Were you planning on hanging it in your house? Did you hope it would be curated next to the Mona Lisa?

Extremely Embarrassed,
UnintendedChoice

I honestly have no idea where I found this. If you’re the artist and want me to credit you (and why would you admit to that), please let me know!

OMG.. remind me never to google “Isle Esme” again! It keeps getting worse! See all the embarrassment after the cut:

Sunday Morning Worship – Girls of Twilight

Dear LTT Worshipers (mostly the dudes today!) and ladies of Twilight-

In light of all the recent brouhaha over the  release of the Wolfpack official picture, the ET promo clips where we swooned hardcore over Jacob, the whole Jackson and the bat thing and well of course our main squeeze Rob we thought we’d spend this Sunday fawning over the ladies of Twilight. After all we thought it was time to throw you guys a bone for putting up with all our crazy fangirl-ness.

Really can we blame you? These ladies are HOT and deserved to be drooled over… so dear Sunday morning worshipers join with me and sing the praises of the ladies of Twilight…

Oh Rachelle how we love thee… and covet your beautiful red hair… trust me I ask for this color every time I sit down in the stylists chair. But no one can pull it off quite like you do! You’re like the classy girl everyone wanted to be in college but somehow couldn’t achieve.

Ohhh Nikki… there’s just something about you. Something just under the surface that I can never quite figure out. You seem like the girl that’s friends with all the boys and pals around with them. And I gotta love and respect that cause I’m the same way. I kinda hate to admit it but I feel like if we ever really knew each other we’d be friends cause we’re too similar not to be.

Elizabeth Reaser, we don’t talk enough about you here but you bring just that extra touch of class that this production needs. You ARE Esme and we love you for that. Oh and we totally think Rob had a thing for you at the Vanity Fair photoshoot. Seriously, watch the tapes and look at the pics. Just saying…

This one’s for you Armyunicorn! A salute from KStew to you! This probably has to be one of my top 2 favorite pictures of Miss Stewart. It not only showcases her underlying beauty that she usually keeps under wraps but is also one of the most kickin’ wardrobe choices for her. THE SHOES, please! Ok, sorry I know this is for the menfolk, sorry. Look at those stems!

Ashley! What else is there to say about our BFF but hot damn?! And we seriously don’t know what is wrong with the boys of Twilight that they haven’t snatched you up yet. Seriously! Oh and to one of our other Unicorns Jordan, this one’s for you!

Happy Sunday… as you leave please remain mindful of those who wish to stay and worship a little while longer!
Themoonisdown