Summit- do you need help with Breaking Dawn?

Continuing on our Spring Break (aka Moon & UC do some boring, geeky bloggy business for a few days), CalliopeBlabs brings us Part I of an EPIC Breaking Dawn suggestion for Summit!

Dearest Summit,

Seems you’ve been having some trouble with this whole Breaking Dawn issue.  I mean, I get it… I read the book, I KNOW there’s a lot to work through. One movie or two? Where to split? Who to direct? How to get around those pesky child protection laws to make TayTay falling in love with a baby okay.

Not to mention all the bargaining I’m sure you’ve been doing with Rob and Kristen.  Did they convince you to allow for TomStu to come to Isle Esme with them?  You know they don’t like to leave him by himself for too long… he’s a clingy one that TomStu.   Also, I know you and Rob have been trying to convince Stewie that method is the best way to go where Renesmee is concerned… any luck?

Or perhaps you’ve taken my advice and are trying to get the Pitt-Jolie biological offspring to star as the Golden Child since they all look the same since we all know with parents like Jolie-Pitt they’d be impeccably appropriate employees. I mean, Angelina and Brad… all business all the time. expect for that time when they got busy on one of your movie sets… I mean seriously!?! What do you feed your employees? So yes, I GET what monumental issues you’ve been facing with Breaking Dawn.

But…

you know….

it’s already APRIL.

I’m starting to get a little nervous here.

So of course, like the overly imaginative person I am… and because, unlike you, I do have a soul, I’ve decided to help you guys out here.  I’ve created the perfect solution to the problems you obviously can’t get around. Let’s just use the Bella, Edward & Jacob dolls you so willingly created and marketed at an exorbitant price to the Twi-fandom to make Breaking Dawn.  It’ll be cheap… you won’t have to worry about CGI… and no one will act out on set.   Sure some fans might be pissed but they’ll get over it. Plus, they are just fans… what do you care!?!

Still unsure? Need a visual? No problem.  Let me show you how it’s done… the story of Breaking Dawn: cheap, drama free and without the speculation of whether or not Barbie and Ken are doing it (they are). Grab the popcorn, dim the lights… and enjoy. Because at this rate, it might be as good as we are gonna get.

BOOK 1: BELLA

Bella: (Grumbles) Fine random dudes… i’ll let you get some pictures of me and my fancy car.

Bella: (pouting) i wish Edward would have stayed the night instead of gallivanting with his brothers. At least purple’s still cool… even if I am about to get married. I mean nothing says ready for the altar like purple sheets. At least, that’s what my YM magazine says.

Renee: you’re getting married… and you aren’t even knocked up!

Bella: (nervously) Dad, I think I’m going to puke.

Charlie: (loudly) You little LIAR! I knew it… you are knocked up! Where is that punk. I’m gonna kill him.

Charlie: why are you even here?

Bella: I DO

Priest: It’s not time for that yet dear

Bella: I DO

Edward: love, still not time for that

Bella: I DO.

Edward: I DO.

Bella: (relived and horny) YAYYYY we are married!

Find out what happens after the jump! Continue reading

Letter to Stephenie Meyer: Bree- really?

Upon hearing the news that Stephenie Meyer wrote a book about Bree, @Brookelockart, Moon & myself quickly began an email conversation to speculate what was UP with this news. Brookie was inspired to write THIS letter:

Wait.. is this a joke?

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think the next installment to the Twilight Saga would be a Novella about Bree – a new born flailing and screaming vamp that came oh so close to getting a second chance and a new diet, but met a slightly anticlimactic ending at the hands of the Volturi.

Steph, (can I call you Steph?) I believe I just made Bree 10 times more exciting than she actually was in Eclipse. I understand the purpose she served in the series; it not only showed Bella the true nature of a new born vampire, it set up expectations for the reader, so when Bella is changed she is remarkably different. So there it is. Purpose served. Why in Hale would you need to give her a back story?  When I read on your site that you wrote The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner: An Eclipse Novella, I stared at my screen for a good 30 seconds just dumbfounded (and wondered if you were a Full House fan – How RUDE!). Then I mumbled under my breath, “What about Midnight Sun?!”

I took my frustrations to twitter, where the fandom was agitated. Thank god I follow some hilarious, snarky people. The tweets sparked my imagination about all the 3rd tier characters that I really never ever want you to write about any more than a blip in that elusive Twilight Series Guide (Yeah, December 2008, my ass). Just so we are clear, here are all the future titles we never want to see appear on your site:

  • The Lauren Mallory Diaries (thanks MasenVixen for that gem)
  • Cougartown: Mrs. Cope can’t help herself
  • The Untold Story of Lee Stephens, a fainting teenage boy
  • Fever Pitch – Renee and Phil’s love story
  • Surf’s Up: Rebecca Black escapes to Hawaii
  • A Pack Life: Jared does Sam’s bidding
  • How to Price Gouge on the Olympic Peninsula – A John Dowling Handbook
  • Austin, Connor and Ben – Nerds Unite! (this would be The Font and White Yorkie’s fav)

"Hi, I'm Bree." WHO!?

I’m hoping, Steph, that you get the point. I know these characters may fascinate you, but really all we want is Midnight Sun. There’s something that I’ve been dying to address with you…I’ve heard rumors that in writing New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn that you lost Edward’s voice. You fell in love with Jacob and could no longer give us a story from Edward’s perspective. Stephenie Meyer, I accuse you of being Team Jacob and the only way to prove your innocence is to finish Midnight Sun. This Bree story is insulting. I’m sorry, I do get easily distracted, but there’s no way that a Bree story will fulfill my need for Edward. GIVE ME MORE EDWARD.

Now once Midnight Sun is completed and I’ve read it 6 times, I will find it acceptable for you to write about the following:

  • Edward Cullen – New Moon, well actually I’ve read the Fan Fic, “Dark Side of the Moon” and have convinced myself that this is what you would have written if you were Team Edward. So no rush on this Novella.
  • Leah Clearwater – Who wouldn’t want to know more about this strong-willed shape shifter? She has a tragic love story and finally finds some reprieve when she leaves Sam’s pack. Will she imprint? Will she ever be able to have kids? Will she ever learn to like the Cullens?
  • Edward Cullen – Leg Hitch, nuff said.
  • Emmett Cullen – We got a Jasper and Rosalie back story, but poor lovable Emmett is left out. Emmett needs his time to shine!
  • Edward Cullen – Please, please, please, please write Isle Esme from his perspective and for Pete’s sake, NO FADE TO BLACK.

Let’s recap: No one cares about Bree, do NOT write any more novellas about minor characters, FINISH MIDNIGHT SUN, then give us Honeymoon Edward. Is it really too much to ask??

Your faithful fan and Team Edward Captain,

Brooke

PS That was noon on June 5th, right? *marks calendar*

Who else has June 5th marked on their calendar? And are you just gonna download the book for FREE or will you actually shell out some moolah to read it? And seriously…. BREE!? What are your thoughts!?

We’re gonna pound this one in your head. Don’t forget to check out The LTT Biggest Loser on The Forum

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

How to get GUYS in the theater to see Eclipse…

We didn’t invent “Breaking it Down Vanity Fair Style,” we just invented the name. So we LOVE receiving emails from YOU ALL sharing whatever it is you recently broke down with a friend, fellow twi-lover, someone you hate OR… a closeted Unicorn….

Dear Eclipse,
I became enamored with the Twilight Saga right before the first movie came out, and I was a goner. I was going through a difficult time in my life, and I believe that I survived by reading the Twilight novels and watching the first movie (over and over). Eclipse was by far my favorite of the books. The intensities of the relationships kept me coming back and Bella’s indecision made me want to punch her in the face.

My husband, like most husbands, has not been supportive of my relationship with Twilight. He says the normal things, “it’s stupid” or “a waste of my time” or “a horrible story.” My immediate reaction is, “duh,” but I must stand strong for my companion who got me through so much. This has been the source of many arguments between us, usually revolving around me not cleaning house because I’m watching the movie or reading the books again. Hoping he would turn out to be some sort of closet Unicorn, I drug him to the premiere of both movies with me, along with my girlfriends, but alas, he did not turn.

I decided to become a silent fan in my home. I stopped talking about Twilight, the books, my trading cards, the Eclipse teaser trailer release, the New Moon DVD release, which DVD I would purchase and so on and so forth. I was, however, able to turn my five year old daughter into a Twi-fan, so I still had someone to share a few things with.

My weekend was horrible and I spent the majority of the weekend sulking. In an obvious effort to cheer me up, my husband came into the bedroom to show me ads from Sunday’s paper with all the different New Moon DVD’s that were coming out and the different prices. I was amazed, but I knew why he was looking at them. First, I’m going to buy one anyway, so he might as well help me save money. Second, if I’m upset, he’s not getting any.

I had not had a chance to search for anymore Eclipse news over the weekend, so when I came into work Monday morning, that was my first order of business. I was so excited to find the Sneak Peek to Eclipse. I only watched it about five times before I had to get some work done. Immediately after lunch I was chatting with my husband and told him I found that the Sneak Peek. I was shocked at the conversation to follow:

The part where I almost have a heart attack.

How 'bout a threesome guys? (click to read)

Me: There was a sneak peek from the new Twi-movie on the web. It says it’s going to be on the DVD but it’s only 2 minutes long
Me: that 7 minute one at Wally’s must be different
The Hubby: oh, i think i saw that one
The Hubby: the 2 min one
Me: the sneak peek?
The Hubby: yes
Me: you watched it?
The Hubby: yes
Me: who are you? and what have you done with Mark

The part where we discuss the subtle intricacies and a three-some with the love triangle

The Hubby: oh the turmoil
Me: hehe- it’s more fun than the trailer. You get to see everybody
The Hubby: “you must consider i might be better for her” you blood sucker
Me: LOL
The Hubby: on guard dog boy
Me: you never stop surprising me
The Hubby: it popped up somewhere so i figured what the hey
The Hubby: it’s going major soap opera now though
Me: yes, this one is a major soap opera. well, they all are
The Hubby: perhaps, but this one is major league
Me: a major league soap opera? Yes.
The Hubby: let’s make a monster sandwich
Me: huh? oh!  I got it
The Hubby: a “bella sandwich”
Me: yes, that may have crossed their minds

Eat your heart out guys- there's a NEW hot wolf in town

The one where he refers to Taylor as Fez, from That 70’s Show

The Hubby: fez is so cute with all of those muscles too
Me: all he needs is the lisp
The Hubby: i’m sure he could pull it off
Me: I’d like to see him try. that would be good stuff
The Hubby: yes

The one with the solution to the problem we Twi-nerds have been looking for! How to get our guys to want to go to the next movie! (Or at least how to get them to stop bugging us.)

Me: there is a girl wolf in this one, but I don’t think she goes topless- sorry
The Hubby: What! THIS IS AN OUT RAGE, A SEXIST OUTRAGE!
Me: I think we should broadcast your opinion. heheh
The Hubby: yes, sacrifice the teen base crowd for the twi-dads! it’s their only hope

And then I realized, the only fair thing to do, is to have Leah be topless. I will concede that I would rather not have a topless girl in the movie, but if I can drag my husband to watch it over and over without complaint, I think there is something to this idea. I’m not a lesbian, or a fake lesbian, but I want to see this movie as much as I want without getting grief.

Thank you Eclipse for considering my suggestion,
Dame Iron Fury

Have you broken it down ‘Vanity Fair Style” with a closeted Unicorn? Do the men in your life admit when they’ve watched something Twi-related!? And seriously- what ARE they gonna do about Leah running around “half-naked!?”

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Before we had the REAL thing

Dear 2007 & 2008,

I’ve been reminiscing. Reminiscing about a time before the drama of “Is David Slade or isn’t David Slade being replaced by a taller director?” and “Are Rob & Kristen really making love for hours on end in front of a fire on a bear skin rug or are they just banging quickly on a leopard printed one?” I was thinking back to YOUR time- when casting announcements were just being announced for the movies, a petition was being sent around to have Rob replaced in the films & Big Daddy hadn’t yet become a household name. Melissa Rosenberg hadn’t yet penned “How you likin’ da rain Arizona,” and Cathy Hardi was still hard at work coming up with a list of “terrible, awful, no good lines for Rob Pattinson to say when Kristen Stewart first climbs on his back.” Sigh… those were the good ol’ days.

Actually, I wasn’t around then but I would have been if I had known better. However, as I’ve read every page and seen every image the internet has to offer about the Twilight saga & its actors, I’ve discovered that things were different back then. Things were different before. Before the hype. Before the drama. Before there were promo photos, videos and interviews. Before anyone knew any better….. This stuff was made:

Back when Edward Cullen, the 21st century’s Romeo, was seen as a vampire with a mullet and loved a heroine who young enough to give Chris Hansen a MAJOR career booster.

Back when Pete Wentz was someone’s dream Edward Cullen

Back when a REAL Native American was expected to play Jacob

Back when Ronald McDonald fought a random Italian dude for Bella’s love

Back when no one was good enough for Rob Pattinson, so Ariel had to fill in

Was Ashlee Simpson someone’s dream Rosalie? Check it out after the jump! Continue reading

I still think of Twilight all.the.time…

Dear Twilight,

You ruined me in August of 2008 when I first discovered you and missed my week of vacation reading you. Then again in November of 2008 when I first watched you and spent the following days and weeks boo-hooing at my desk at work while listening to “Flightless Bird, American Mouth.” I can’t remember the year after that except I know I went to LA twice to do Twilight-related things and somehow I’ve ended up here, still thinking about Twilight.

I think about Twilight everytime I hear the word “Vancouver” (which these days is multiple times a day) The rest of the world might think “Olympics” but noooo a Twilight fan thinks “Where the Twilight cast filmed” and wonders if the city still holds the essence of the stars & the power of Stephanie Meyer. While I try to stay awake during watch bobsledding I think about how Nikki & Kristen gave Taylor his first puff of a cigarette (and Nikki probably gave him more) that one day when New Moon filming first started. And whenever they show the Olympic village on TV, I wonder if the “humans” got to have a tour last fall when they had some time off from shooting their 5 minutes worth of scenes. During their breaks did the cast get together for a little Twilight Cast & Crew Olympics? On the day that David Slade came by to see if he was gonna have to replace Taylor Lautner, did Chris Weitz invite him to battle him at “Director Chair Rowing?”

When I go to Florida & want a smoke, I’m smacked in the face with an anti-smoking ad that has a Twilight-feel

and I’m actually kinda regretting my switch from Verizon to At&t to drink the iPhone kool-aid

Now a vampire won’t love me?

I thought that at this point, well over a year after this obsession began, I wouldn’t be thinking Twilight around every corner. But a Chevy commercial featuring a red truck just came on the TV. No, it wasn’t a beat up car from the 60’s (50’s? I’m too lazy to google it), but nonetheless, I thought of Bella.

The best thing about LTT is that it’s a daily reminder that I am not alone (oh- and I’m a pretty expressive speaker and so every time I say something is not something- I ‘say’ it like Kristen said they are not bears)

Clicky for good times

Nella had a convo with her brother who thought an old classic was strikenly like Twilight…

The other night my brother and I were watching The Sound of Music. It’s been years I haven’t watched the movie since the very beginning, so I was fully enjoying the first scene where they show the mountains before we see Maria having the time of her life spinning and singing. And then my brother goes…”It looks like Twilight.” It took me, oh, like 0.0732 seconds to realize what he was talking about. ”O_O Shit, you’re right.” The mountains with snow, the trees, the green-ness, the valleys, new girl in a new place, kids in trees…Not only the intros but the entire movies could be related one another. We took a few minutes to lol, then my brother started on how a mash-up of the two movies would be. The Sound of Twilight. Our imaginations were overflowing. Bella singing ”the trees are alive with the sound of twilight” and stopping abruptly because Mother Superior Renee was texting her, she’s got a plane to catch. She arrives at the Von Cullen residence where she meets Edward Von Cullen and his seven children. She makes them play clothes with the tablecloths they never used and they go play vampire baseball (they’re not afraid of thunder) up in the hills. Edward and Bella wander off in a meadow, then Bella starts singing ”I am seventeen going on eighteen” and Edward answers back singing ”I am seventeen going on one-oh-eight”. Emmett discovers the Von Cullen’s singing skills and ask his brother Edward if he can get them to sing at the La Push Choirs Festival.

Two words (you know what they are) That’s Normal

Katiebird sent us an email saying her mind automatically goes to all-things-Twilight-Edward, every day, in every situation, and she can’t seem to make it stop:

So just last week, my hubby and I are walking from the parking garage, in the alley behind our building, to our new home in Chicago, and I notice that there are two large square black metal openings, that look like coal chutes, on the back of our building. That is what I am guessing, because that is how buildings in Chicago were heated a long time ago, and the city would deliver coal thru those openings to the furnaces below. There is a date inscribed on the openings that says 1906. My hubby notices as well, and says, “Hey, I think our building may have been built in the late 1800’s. That is so cool.” We are now walking up the back steps, and I accidently say out loud, “Wow, Edward wasn’t even a vampire yet, just a little boy.” Whoops, holy crap…. It just dawns on me, right then, that I am living in the city where Edward was born, and am thinking that was kind of cool, but did I really just say that out loud? My man, God love him, doesn’t miss a beat, and replies, “Oh yeah, that doesn’t happen until when? 1918?” What was that? Has he really been paying attention? He also moans and says, “God, why do I know that?!?!” I just laugh, and think to myself, “Man, I can’t believe that I just went there, and said it out loud.” All I can say, is that he is finally learning to just go with it, and at least not laughing in my face. If he only knew, how many times I relate things and situations to Twilight/Edward, and sometimes even Rob, he probably would have me committed.

And I know that’s not it. I know tomorrow morning something I hear on the radio on my drive into work will remind me of Twilight. Will it ever stop? (Do I want it to?)

Thinking of you, fondly,
UnintendedChoice

So I know we’re not the only ones. We get emails from you all daily because of something that reminded you of Twilight. Fess up- what are you thinking of these days!?

Thanks to Jenny-meiss & Luludee for sending in that Verizon commercial!

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

The Important questions about New Moon

Edward's favorite tampon brand

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

Hey Arizona! It’s been awhile. I know, I know. But I’ll be honest the hype of New Moon has died down majorly. David Slade & Summit have refused to release any Eclipse info until after Remember Me is released (or so we can assume) Although David Slade quite possibly redeemed himself with what looks to maybe be a leg hitch picture, but still. We’re bored. But not without ideas- no, no. Those are ever-flowing. It’s just hard to write fan fic about Buttcrack Santa and Harry Clearwater coming back from the dead as zombies, adding one more mythical creature to the mix in Forks. But I’m working on it!

Anyway, longtime LTT reader, Jet, emailed us a few weeks back asking some really important questions about New Moon and the Twilight saga that haven’t been asked before. Ya know, like along the same lines about what happens when Bella gets her period, but better. I consider myself quite the Twilight saga expert, but even I didn’t know how to write her back. I thought I’d ask you today, as well as ask you about other questions that were sent to us via the tweets:

Did Oregano watch New Moon? And if he did, then how many times did he puke like Mike or throw tomatoes at the screen?

Do you know, Steph? Are you still close with Cathy Hardi? Can you ask her? I have a feeling she’s been stalking poor Oregano ever since she heard about he & Kristen’s split. Poor guy. (Hey- *brilliant thought* was SHE the reason for the KStew/Oregano split? Where has he been? IS he throwing back Ultimate Margs at 5pm on Monday, Tuesday AND Thursdays at the TGIFridays with the Cougar?)

What happens to female vampires who weren’t able to “do it” before they were turned? Will they be like that Jessica character from True Blood? Will “it” keep on growing back?

I had no idea what Jet was talking about here, so I consulted my True Blood expert and my expert on “it,” Moon, and asked:

UC: Does she mean the hyman?
Moon: Hymen
UC: Sorry. I never had it long enough to learn how to spell it
Moon: Slut
UC: Hey! I fell on a fence post when I was 7!
Moon: Ouch. Yes in True Blood Jessica is a virgin when she’s turned so it’s like her first time EVERY TIME she has sexy
UC: Realllllyy? Do you think that means Edward explodes in 3 seconds every time he does it?

Jet continued:

We never hear much about Jasper and Alice’s “experiences” in the books. Is it because of this very thing? Was Alice never deflowered before she was turned? I’m only assuming of course. ‘Cause, come to think of it, who would do it with her when she was trapped in the asylum…..

I know: Chase Crawford, Kellan Lutz, Jackson Rathbone, Jared Followhill etec. etc.

Is Harry Clearwater the new Buttcrack Santa? Will his Kung Fu still be strong even after death? Who will make fish fry for Charlie now?

Seriously. Charlie can’t be without his fish fry. You heard Bella. There’s only enough fish for the next 3 years in the freezer. He needs ALL of that fried. He NEEDS to die an early death from clogged arteries. Otherwise he’s gonna get REALLY suspicious when his 55 year daughter still looks like an 18 year old and he won’t understand why his 7 year old granddaughter is making out with her “older brother figure” on La Push Beach. GET CHARLIE FISH FRY!

Then I asked myself: Is is possible there are Twilight fans out there that don’t immediately think of sexual things when the “What questions do you have about New Moon’ is asked?

No. No it’s not..

After the jump, see what I mean and enjoy as I take a crack at answering some of the questions Continue reading

Dear Hollywood Twilight; you killed my dream

Darling readers: I watched football (the American kind- not soccer) last night. AKA the sport that’s been proven to cause brain damage in its players. And therefore I believe it has caused brain damage to its watchers. (It’s the only explanation I can come up with for ANYONE thinking that “Coors Light” (the official beer of the NFL) is worth drinking) and as a result I cannot lead today’s Twilosophy discussion. But have no fear, we have a fan letter to act as your teacher today! XO, UC

Dear Hollywood Twilight,

I will open this letter by admitting one thing…you had already turned Twilight into a movie before I began reading the books. I knew you existed, but out of complete disinterest, I knew nothing about the movies or the actors within.

Then my curiosity began to grow over these books that my educated, married, adult girlfriends were enraptured with. I knew they were written for teenage girls, so why in the world would my coworkers be so enthralled? So I decided to give Twilight a shot. And I fell hard. I should not have, but I did. The book made me swoon. I wanted more. I needed more.

Let me pause and tell you that I fancy myself an educated woman. I have an advanced engineering degree in a very specialized field from one of the most prestigious engineering schools in the country. I have always been an avid reader. My personal favorites belonged mostly on an assigned reading list for a literature class rather than in the young adult section…even when I was a young adult. There was no reason I should like these books.

But I did. Oh, Hollywood Twilight, I loved those books.

The "real" Edward Cullen?

They resurrected someone in me with whom I had not spoken in a long time. The girl who dreamed that the perfect man existed. The man who was smart without being obnoxious, athletic without being prideful, attractive without the narcissism, gentle without being weak, and a gentleman without being corny. I had once imagine this perfect man existed. It was a happier time before the world introduced me to reality. I dreamed of Edward, although he never previously had a name. Now that I had read these books though, “Edward” would work. It seemed to fit.

I saw your movie adaptation of Twilight and was disappointed, appalled even. You know, Hollywood Twilight, it is your line of work that is supposed to bring stories to life. But you failed. You failed miserably. I was heartbroken that the Forks in my head was so much more realistic than the town you portrayed in that terrible excuse for cinematography. As an engineer, I should not be able to conjure up more desirable images in my head than you can on stage. But I did. And it made me throw up a little in my mouth.

But you know. I am a forgiving person. You didn’t have much of a budget. I can excuse that. You were born out of a cult following. I can get over it. The atrocity that was your movie didn’t stay with me long. It (the movie and the experience) was less than memorable.

Should've been Edward Cullen

As the release of New Moon approached, I became excited. I knew a bigger budget and a new director meant something good for this movie. I reread the series, including Midnight Sun and my Forks was alive once again. I began following blogs like LTT and LTR. I was so enthralled with what was to be. I began drowning in photos and trailers of actors and characters and sets, and all of their personal drama. It was very much like that teenage girl in me was flourishing again…following Hollywood drama liked I honestly cared.

And I was not disappointed this time. This movie was much more like what had played in my head originally. Sure there are discrepancies from the book, but I can handle a few of those. This one was more along the lines of my dream-scape.

But oh, Hollywood Twilight, it was not until last night that I realized the extent to which you have affected my life. I had no idea how far-reaching your ugly hand could reach. You see, last night I settled in for a nice long, bubble bath. I wanted–no needed–to escape the chaos of the day and the exhaustion that results from motherhood. So I grabbed Twilight off the bookshelf for the first time since last June. It would give me a dose of guilty-pleasure reading that I needed. An escape from reality.

As I got to that first cafeteria scene, I stopped dead in my tracks. I re-read it. I was mortified. I wanted badly to bang my head into the side of the bathtub to get the images out of my head, but thought that might cause great distress when my husband came running to find out what I was doing. You see, Hollywood Twilight, you have invaded my fantasies. The Edward that I had fallen in love with was no longer there in that book. It was Robert-freaking-Pattinson. WHY?!?! I read it about 3 times trying to get the imagine of him as Edward out of my head, but he just would not go away. Curse you, Hollywood Twilight. Curse you.

The Fan choice for Edward Cullen- TomStu

You see…I’m not a fan of Mr. Pattinson. I know there are others who will vehemently disagree with me, and I can respect their opinions. But he is not MY Edward. My Edward was very different. Not a bad acting, sullen, sparkly Edward who needs to find some tweezers for those brows, but my own personal reverie.

So now I wish you to know that while I will continue reading the series again, I am afraid that the saga is ruined for me. I will now probably take much more notice of the repetitive adjectives, the impracticality of this teenage girl’s interaction with other people including her father, the holes left in the plot by the over-fictionalization of vampire lore. I will probably notice much more that Jacob was so much better for Bella than Edward, and that from a psychologist’s point of view, Bella had some real dependency issues (and Edward was quite the stalker). That’s right, Hollywood Twilight. You’ve killed my dream.

Thanks. (sardonically)

–Hoping to one day reunite with MY Edward

This week we’re running some AMAZING contests on LTT, LTR and The Forum and we’re giving away the most amazing prizes. Make sure you check out the Letters to Twilight Valentines Day contest!

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Christmas messages from the Twilight cast

Dear LTTers,

It wouldn’t be Christmas without a little TwiPorn to get us in the spirit!!! Wait- are you allowed to say “Porn” and “Christmas” in the same sentence? Does that guarantee me a ticket to that firey place? Oh well. Looking at that 3rd picture, it might be worth it!

Love,
UC & Moon

See more after the jump! Continue reading

We wish you a Cullen Christmas

Dear LTTers,

Merry Christmas Eve! If you don’t celebrate Christmas, merry time of year when everyone says “Merry Christmas” to you and you look at them and say, “But I don’t celebrate Christmas” and they stare back at you, not understanding, in a santa hat!

Moon and I have objected ourselves to 2nd-hand embarrassment, yet again, to wish you a very Merry Christmas.

Love,

UC & Moon

After the jump, read all the wonderful lyrics penned by @Brookelockart, Moon & myself. Print them out and have a family sing-a-long around the dinner table tomorrow! Continue reading

Monday Funnies: Inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight

Dear people sitting at work hungry for things to distract them from the fact that it’s Monday and you’re sitting at work,

With a new Twilight saga movie, we’re treated with TONS of things we can feature for Monday Funnies.  Get ready for this one. Put down your coffee cup. Go run and pee. Then go pee again and practice your quiet office giggle because this one is gonna have you rolling.  Thanks to @nwalmn on Twitter for sending this our way. And to the blogger, The Bloggess, who is bringing us today’s Monday Funnies:

Inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight:

1. Why the hell am I reading the Twilight series?

2. The Twilight vampires are so strong that they can inadvertently knock someone’s head off if they aren’t paying attention because humans are as softer than butter compared them. So wouldn’t having sex with Bella be like f*cking a wishing well?

3. No, really. Why am I reading these? I’m 35, for God’s sake. This is more embarrassing than that summer I had all those weird sex dreams about Dumbledore.

4. Wait, I mean Snape. Not Dumbledore. No one has sex dreams about Dumbledore. That would be disgusting.

5. Okay, fine. It was a three-way with Snape and Dumbledore. Ron Weasley was watching for some reason. That part was weird.

Umm Brilliant so far? Yes. Read the rest after the jump! Continue reading