Tweed Edward vs High-School Edward

I’m almost home! Have you missed me? Probably not, because I posted some pretty kick-ass fan letters this week. THIS ONE is not any different!

Dear Summit Execs/Twilight & New Moon hair, makeup & wardrobe people:

Allow me to introduce myself:  I’m a thirty-something married mom.  Middle class, suburbs, Midwesterner, blah blah blah.  All I’m missing is the minivan and that’s only because that would cramp my style.  But I digress.  My purpose of writing is to discuss with you the urban myth of women hitting their sexual primes in their 30s.  When I turned 30, my husband waited with baited breath but as I was 4 days away from going into labor with our 2^nd child, there was no sexual awakening that night.  The next year, same thing-hubs crossing the digits-but apparently taking care of a 3 year old and a 1 year old doesn’t make you frisky.  Who knew??  Another year or two or four went by and the husband was like a kid who has found out Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

Then in April 2009, I picked up Twilight.  I started reading it one night in bed while the hubs was snoring next to me, probably dreaming of Farrah Fawcett (holdover adolescent crush, RIP Jill Munroe).  I read through a few chapters and was intrigued but not hooked.  Yet.  That next night, I had a naughty dream about Edward and woke up………IN LOVE.

Cue obsession with all things Robward.

Cue voracious reading of consecutive novels in “The Saga” and the first of MANY viewings of Twilight.

Cue husband’s disdain (jealousy?) of my obsession.

Cue my discovery of the “fade to black” blanks filled in via *speaks reverently* FAN FICTION.

Cue………sexual prime!

See husband’s happy face as he finds out “Yes, Virginia, Santa DOES exist.”

Myth busted, Summit.  With a little help from a fictional character from  young adult novels, of course.

So why the hell am I writing to you, Summit execs and movie hair/makeup/wardrobe people, you ask?  Because as a newly inducted member of the “Sexual Prime Club” who fantasizes about sharpening her claws, I find myself noticing young adult men in ways I never did.  (That’s normal, right?  And I did say “adult.”)  Twilight allowed me to perv on a hot, hot, hot seventeen-year-old who is really a 108-year-old vampire but portrayed by a 23-year-old man!  GENIUS!  WIN for cougars everywhere.  I can fantasize but it’s legal.  I can lust but there’s no threat of jail time and ridicule from my peers.  (Well, there’s always ridicule but no threat of “pedophile” spray-painted on my driveway.)  I can perv without a visit from Chris Hansen.

This kiss gave me the chills.  He sneaked into her bedroom!  How hot to my thirty-something old self that knows how creepy it should be! “I just wanna try one thing” INDEED!

The T shirt.  That tight jaw.  The bad-boy sheepish grin.  The crazy driving.  The stalking and voyeurism.  It’s like someone read my 14-year-old self’s diary!

Then…..New Moon happened.  (And some particularly angst-ridden FF.  And some dreaded Christmas shopping. And flu season.)

Allow this chart to illustrate:

How Twilight/New Moon affected my sex life:

This is supposed to keep my sexual prime going strong?

WTF, Summit?  Where did that hot, hot, hot high school boy go?  I don’t WANT to crush on my college Anthropology professor!  I don’t WANT to fantasize about chalk dust on tweed.  I don’t WANT to role-play getting an A for “extra credit.”  (Wait-scratch that.  That kinda sounds fun.)  I don’t WANT Edward to be as grumpy as my grandpa discussing the Great Depression and how every “kid” under the age of 45 is on drugs.

I WANT my illicit (yet legal) thrills, Summit.  I WANT high school Edward back.  Now I know Eclipse will be out soon so this letter may be too late, but millions of thirty-something libidos (and the future happiness of their partners) are counting on you.  Leather, NOT  tweed.  Sex hair, NOT old man hair.  Tight, sexy jeans, NOT elastic-waist “slacks.”  The Cullen crest cuff, NOT Grandpa’s pocket watch.

To recap:

YES please

HALE NO!

Keep the myth alive, Summit.  (You can probably expect another letter before Breaking Dawn so you don’t go the “Dad” route on Edward with sneakers and bald spots.  “Teenaged” dads can be HOT too.)

Signed,

USDA Prime

Why have we never discussed this before? Teenage Edward vs. Old Man Edward. MOON & UC FAIL! What do you think? Are you into OldManward? Or do you like the idea of the 17 year old who is really 108 but played by a 23 year old Teenagerward?

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

This is how you found us Vol. 5

f-a-k-e l-e-s-b-i-a-n-s

Dear LTT-ers and LTR-ers,

It’s been a while since we’ve had a “This is how you found us” post. Though I think after this last week, we just may know how a bunch of you found us, and WELCOME! But mostly people’s searches are getting to be a lot more boring, just the same ol Rob, Kristen, Jackson, Taylor and Kristen’s pregnant like a millions times. Come on, show us your creativity! But we’ve managed to pull together another stellar round of crazy searches for June and July!

For the uninitiated, WordPress (our blog program) allows you to see handy dandy stuff like numbers of visitors, which post is the most popular and what terms people searched for when they found our site. When we found this feature we would laugh so hard at some of the terms we knew we had to share them with you awesome readers! And thus this reoccurring blog post was born!

So here we go again…

• 

  I'm commissioning this as an Oil painting for my fire place

  Kristen i’m pregnant – Seriously, Kristen we don’t believe it. Stop trying to spread this rumor!

• Oil painting in film ‘twilight’ – Dear god please tell me you’re not trying to create a Twilight oil painting… we have enough stuff in the Twilight Museum of crap Art!

• Insane Twilight tattoos – oh you mean the back piece I got inked of the Forks, WA topographical map?

• Taylor Lautner in his underwear – Stop trying to fool us Chris Hanson, we’re on to you and we’ve already surrendered!

• Win a day with Rob Pattinson – This whirlwind day of romance includes lunch at a vending machine, a 1 minute conversation about cheetos, 4 hours reading in silence at a Borders and culminates with him waving as you get into a cab at 6:20PM. ENTER HERE!!Follow the cut for more good times and crazy googles!

Our Crazy Twilight Life

Dear LTTers,

If you think Rob & Kristen have had a crazy time since Twilight made it big, you should see what happens to Moon & I in our lives. We were just two little twenty-somethings, minding our own business, breaking down that 1 hour long Vanity Fair vid that we love so much when BAM- we suddenly have a blog bigger than we ever expected where sometimes, when UC writes a post about Cougars & Robert Pattinson, it gets reposted on a blog who’s description is:

Catering to men leaving the country for a good time

(They also give re-post love to blogs about hot Asian girls with sexy legs)

And right before I got the good news about us being the new spokeswomen for prostitution in Thailand, I signed into wordpress.com (our blogging platform) to approve some comments and I noticed that wordpress thought our post about Cougars and Robert Pattinson deserved the term “Hawt.” And they decided to throw my face nice & big next to the post- ensuring that everyone will now think I am the cougar instead of the 26 year old I actually am, and solidifying the fact that my dad will find out I run this blog instead of do work at his company since he knows every single thing about every single cougar in the Tri-state area.

Daddy, I promise I work on the blog from 5:15pm-11:15pm. Not during office hours

And then there was that time when Moon was in her office, minding her own beeswax, and her co-worker (the goddess who introduced her to the Twilight series) IMed her and said “You gotta check out this hilarious new blog I found: LetterstoTwilight.com” and Moon frantically tried to play it off like she was surprised to hear of this brand new blog until she finally gave up and confessed she runs the blog and moved on to trying to figure out how to explain to her coworker where she gets the time to run a blog (Coworker: blog running always happens from the hours of 5:15pm-11:15pm- don’t worry. I can vouch for Moon)

Smile Girls. Someone approves your fakelesbian-ship

And sometimes, when I am drifting off to sleep while trying to clear our LTT e-mail inbox thinking “please let this be the last one. God I promise I will never let 3 weeks go by without replying to e-mails every again,” I come across a gem like this:

im deeply in luv with all characters from twilight saga. i hear tht ppl think nikki and kristen saposably are in an affair??? well who cares i luv them both and i will stick up for them as long as i live. both are best friends for each other and best friends are always close…extremely close. so they may have tap kisses here and there but those can be friend kisses or not. i mean look at nikki shes beautiful im a 15 y/o girl and if i had the chance to kiss her i would same for kristen. im not bi or les but hey i wouldnt and dont care what ppl would say.

And when all these things happen within a few days of each other, I think to myself, “Those Twilight kids have it easy- Moon & I are the ones with the crazy lives.”

And then at 12am Saturday morning when I’m in a video/audio/text chat room with 11 LTT/LTR pals, and everytime a new “guest” arrives I ask ‘Is that you, Rob?”, Moon and I end up having a side conversation and gushing how 6 months ago, we knew none of the girls (and one unicorn!) we were chatting with. And we will take the people who mistake us for cougars, the co-workers who find out our secrets, the jailtime in Thailand for soliciting prostitutes & the crazy e-mails, just because we love all of you. And we also believe it’s about time we share more of the crazy e-mails we receive, so this will become a more regular feature!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What in the world is going on in Rob’s world over on LTR?
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