Open Weekend Post: Hosted by Charlie the Narc

Dear Charlie-

Why the crap did you have to step in between the boys about to fight? They were about to go at it, maybe rip some shirts off or make some grunting sounds and you stepped in the middle of it all! Uh, thanks man! Why’d you have to go and be a narc? I mean sure you’re a cop and all but seriously dude, throw us a bone. Go crack down on grannies making moonshine on the rez or maybe go undercover to catch shoplifters at Newton’s outfitters, we don’t need you stepping in between a couple of hot pieces about ready to scrap. Duh.

Oh and Edward, get angry more often, that’s so flipping hot.

45 days!
Themoonisdown

HAPPY WEEKEND! Congrats to my cousin LondonCalling for graduating college this weekend!

Why is boys fighting hot? I still don’t get it. Especially because in real life it’s really scary! I’m a baby.

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter

We wish you a Cullen Christmas

Dear LTTers,

Merry Christmas Eve! If you don’t celebrate Christmas, merry time of year when everyone says “Merry Christmas” to you and you look at them and say, “But I don’t celebrate Christmas” and they stare back at you, not understanding, in a santa hat!

Moon and I have objected ourselves to 2nd-hand embarrassment, yet again, to wish you a very Merry Christmas.

Love,

UC & Moon

After the jump, read all the wonderful lyrics penned by @Brookelockart, Moon & myself. Print them out and have a family sing-a-long around the dinner table tomorrow!

Last minute Twilight Halloween Costume Ideas

Dear LTT-ers,

It’s Halloween today! Did you forget like me and need a costume for that party you’re going to? Do you want to pay tribute to your love of Twilight in a subtle, non-fangirl, non bouffant and bella’s jacket sorta way? Well have no fear we’ve come up with some last minute costume ideas for the Twilight/LTT gal (and maybe their unsuspecting boy).

Forks police officer
All you need is a stick on mustache, a can of Vitamin R and grab that Sheriff badge from your kids toy box. Instant Charlie Swan! Bonus points: bring your friends: Waylon Forge, Billy Black and Harry Clearwater. Extra bonus points for a bag of fish fry and lugging your flat screen TV around

Fake Lesbians
This is a costume where you’ll need a close gal pal who is in on the Twilight gossip.  Wear big nikes and tight denim. Sport a very surly attitude. Chair smoke ALL night. Never leave each other the entire night. Hold hands. Kiss if the mood is right. Bonus: bring along a third wheel boyfriend (feel free to call him an Italian spice), walk in holding hands as a threesome. Don’t pay attention to him all night.

100 monkeys
Wearing the bananagers banana costume, sneak into a zoo after it closed but right before the party. Find the monkey/chimp/gorilla cages. Let them all loose, befriend them, invite them to the party. Load them in your car and take them to the party. Give the primates instruments and play bad music all night. Write impromptu songs about Halloween candy and trick or treating or how much you love the girls on “slut-lo-ween.”

Want some more last minute costume ideas? Follow the cut!

Billy Burke Appreciation Day!

I want YOU to appreciate ME!

Dear Billy,

Your fans have spoken!

I took to the twitter-webs (one of your favorite places) to ask our lovely followers who we should appreciate this Sunday and we got the message loud and clear. They wanted to appreciate YOU, Billy Burke! Can we blame them really? You are the man who plays Bella’s pops Charlie AND you were Jack on My Boys, one of our personal faves. There really is too much to appreciate here but how about we give it a whirl this Sunday…

We appreciate:

Your Tweeting skills

What other celeb uses Twitter to call out journalists, lame-o tweeters and to just plain #drunktweet? You, that’s who! Never let your agent/manager cramp your twitter style! Keep on tweeting country songs and bitching out dumb folks who @reply you and we’ll keep following!

Your Copstache

I’m gonna have to let the other girls wax poetic about your stache because I, like Bella, grew up with a dad who rocked a stache so I in no way think it’s sexy but apparently the other ladies about these think your copstache is the best thing since sliced bread and I’m gonna let them talk about it in the comments, but just know your stache is one of the best “props” Charlie has and might just give a bunch of gals naughty thoughts.
c
c
Your gun cleaning, Vitamin R and lil Halo-

I can’t lie you had some of the best lines and actions in Twilight. But we all know the humans rocked Twilight the hardest. But how you play Charlie is so spot-on… in fact dare I say your version of Charlie might even be better than Stephenie’s version of Charlie. SHHH!!! Don’t tell!

Follow the cut to see what else we appreciate about Billy and add your favorite things

Breaking down the REST of the LA Times pics – Nude Moon

Dear LA Times-

You might have heard (yes, you read us cause we’re serious journalists like you) that we broke down the pictures from your Hollywood Backlot series of New Moon pictures on Letters to Rob yesterday. And since they were so good we didn’t make it through all of them, so we’re back today to finish what we started cause we have mad follow through. Sometimes. And because well we like being discussing anything Twilight and seeing how random it can get.

Enjoy…

Themoonisdown and UnintendedChoice

Miss the first half of the break down yesterday? Catch up here!

*Warning some of this isn’t for the faint of heart… or prudish*

Dear Cathy, lose my number. Thx, Chris

Am I really the Director?

Moon: so this might be my favorite pic. He looks like his has old man bushy brows and hes SOOO playing with the ifart app on his iphone
UC: what do you FEEL when you see it?
Moon: i feel like i want to hug this picture, i hope he doesnt let me down in November! NO pressure chris (since you’re obvs reading this)
UC: I think that’s what he’s thinking “what the F did i get myself into?’ NO one warned me about the fasting & the praying
Moon: or the virgin sacrifices!

C
C
Animal Sacrifices

How do I put this thing on?

UC: JAKE?
Moon: OMG this one is my favorite. Such a WTF kind of picture. Just makes you wonder what poor PA (production assistant) has to put that thing on and get on all fours while they line up shots
UC: that dude needs a raise
Moon: maybe animal sacrifices are part of the fasting and praying they’re been doing and this is the evidence to show her holiness (stephenie)
UC: clearly. sick to the nast
Moon: wolves, virgins and PA’s died in the making of this film
UC: and so did a lot of cod. they were method acting and had a lot of fish fry
Moon: god its so creepy… it’s eyes are following me

Follow the cut to read the rest

Monday Funnies: Cuz nothing’s funnier than laughing at Twilight

Dear Twilight,

I’m so glad we can laugh at your expense. Cuz Lord knows that the list is growing of reasons why I need to laugh: Pics surfaced of Robsten having an intense argument at the Kings of Leon concert about who would have the most grease if they wrung their hair into a measuring cup; when writing about how I was scarred because I accidentally clicked on the snail & dragon penis‘ 3 times on Friday, I accidentally clicked on them another 3 times; I forgot Bella & Edward’s anniversary; I went to three cupcake places yesterday and all three were closed; Plus Cam Gigandet’s 27th birthday was yesterday, and I was really pissed cuz my “Important Twi dates” calendar had it wrong and listed his birthday as today, and then I realized instead of being pissed that I missed it I should just be embarrassed that I have an “Important Twi-dates” calendar. So, I need these laughs:

After the jump- a little bonus Monday Funny:

The Inevitable New Merchandise for New Moon

Dear Twi-hards,

With the release of New Moon fast approaching (146 days!), it was only a matter of time before the machine started rolling out new merchandise for fans to buy. After all Hot Topic almost single handedly saved the economy back in February. And we really can’t be losing anymore mall stores. Where else will I find my neon green tutu’s, Mario Brothers shirts and gothic parasols?  I mean, there goes my whole wardrobe, right? But never fear we’re just now getting a glimpse of the goodies to come that might just save the entire United States economy. Fingers crossed.

WOOOOOWWW just in case you wanted to go hunting and be camouflaged but also show how much you love Twilight, we have this lovely shirt. To our country friends, this will look nice while you’re out hunting deer with Jethro and the boys and if you’re lucky enough you’ll be wearing this on the next season of Red Neck Weddings!

Don’t you hate it when you’re at work and just about to close the BIG deal and can’t remember what date it is? I know I do! But after I get this handy little desk calender I can look confidently at the client and say, why yes it IS exactly one month and 3 days till my life is complete and New Moon comes out October 17th! Thank God I had this calendar or we couldn’t have made this million dollar deal! Great doing business with you!

So Barbie Bella and Ken Edward dolls are like the complete antithesis of Malibu Barbie and Ken. Instead of tans they have pale, sparkly skin. Instead of the pink corvette Bella has the broke down beater truck. Instead of skin bearing bikini’s and swim trunks it’s coverage from head to toe. And instead of a Dream House on the beaches of Malibu, it’s a middle class house in rainy Forks, Washington. My only question is: what about the Bob Mackie designed raincoats and the Quielute addition to the “Barbies Around the World” collection? Mattel, you totally dropped the ball on this one!

Lip Venom, guys really? I remember this stuff from like Seventeen Magazine in the 90s. It was supposed to plump up your lips to give it that “bee stung” look. The whole concept is off, first of all who wants to be stung when putting on lip gloss? And not surprisingly the product failed and went away. But now that Vampires are the hip thing, why not trot this little diddy out again but with a new spin: Plump your lips up with the venom of a vampire! Close your eyes, dream a little dream, click your heels together and say “there’s no place like Forks” and wait for the magic of the venom to turn you into an immortal. Then you and Edward can be together forever, cause we know that’s what you dream about. Seriously, we know. We watched the movie.

When are we gonna get a Jacob action figure? Or a temporary vampire bite tattoo? Or an official Charlie Swan stick on Mustache?

Would you buy any of this?
Themoonisdown

Don’t forget to vote in the Wanna Tappa Vampa (our fake sorority) and the Twi Sisterhood’s PORN OFF! EVERY VOTE COUNTS!! Yes we can!

Read our review of Rob in The Bad Mother’s Handbook at LTR
Chat about it in The Forum!

It’s a Twilight Father’s Day

To all the Twilight daddy’s: Carlisle Cullen, Billy Black, Charlie, Harry Clearwater, Big-Daddy Lautner & Edward,

A big HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to the whole group of you from Moon & I.  We love you all so much, we couldn’t pick one fav to write to today so we’re writing to you all (just kidding, Big Daddy-Lautner, you know you’re our fav).  Actually your kids are writing to you because we have our own daddys to take care of (although ours aren’t as cool as a vampire, Native American, cop or McDonald’s spokesperson…)

Enjoy your day! Go on over to Harry’s and grill out with his famous fish fry!
<3, UC & Moon

Dear Carlisle,

Edward: Thank you for saving me from the Spanish Influenza & capturing my 17 year old perfection for eternity. Thank you for your encouragement to stay strong and not kill my beloved Bella &, of course, for the rockin’ sex tips. Although next time, I’d prefer it if you’d not get so detailed on how much Esme, my mother, likes to do that there.

Rosalie: Thank you, Carlisle, for changing my darling Emmett after he was attacked by that bear.  I’ll be honest I’m not crazy about how all that shit when down with Edward.  Why the hell didn’t you prep him first and convince him to love me? Also, I’ll deep down hate you forever for turning me into a vampire in the first place. Couldn’t you have let me die? F*ck y Oh yeah, this isn’t about me. Happy Father’s day Dad…

Emmett: Thanks for my smokin’ hot girl, Rose. And for that tip on how much mom likes that there- now Rose does too!

Alice & Jasper: (UC note: Uh, we couldn’t exactly find Alice & Jasper…. seems Jasper may have recently had a conversation with you, Carlisle? Something about something somewhere…..?)

Carlisle might be the reason we have Edward & so we’re the most grateful to him, but he’s not the only daddy! See all the other letters after the jump!

Billy Burke is My Boy

Worst show that I love to love and hate all at the same time

Dear Billy Burke,

I was watching the season premiere of “My Boys” the other day, which is the worst show in the history of the world, yet I love it and still can’t believe hasn’t been canceled.

Last season left on a cliffhanger with Bobby (the one P.J. SHOULD be with) getting married the next morning, and P.J. in her hotel room with Bobby’s brother Jack, about to do the nasty.  Bobby comes to her room and tells P.J. he thinks he’s making a mistake marrying the girl and then sees his brother in the room. Dun dun DUN!

I was torn- I liked Bobby a LOT b/c duh, he’s played by the actor Kyle Howard and was once on Home Improvement in ’97 and he’s super hot.

P.J., please have the sexual intercourse with me

But his brother Jack is charming and handsome and sooo into P.J. You can see my predicament. Who do I root for? Who do I want P.J. to end up with in this awful yet amazing show that I can not believe has lasted longer than Arrested Development did?

So I’m watching the new episode, seeing the drama go down and feeling strangely disconnected from Jack (the bro).  I can’t put my finger on it. Why don’t I want him and P.J. together anymore? Did I make my decision subconsciously and I’m rooting for team Bobby (aka Kyle Howard from 7 episodes of “The love boat: the next wave” in 1998?) And why does Jack suddenly look so familiar to me? Did I see him at the grocery store or something?

Bella, please be home by 9

After a quick trip to IMDB, I figure it out. Jack is Charlie Swan and you played Charlie Swan so you play Jack. I never realized it. That mustache did a lot.

So while I used to be attracted to Jack and want him to hook-up with P.J., now I think it’s all creepy and weird b/c Charlie is Jack and you are Jack and Charlie and Charlie is the father of a 17 year old, and Jack is trying to hook up with a 27 year old and ahhh.. it’s all messed up.

Hugs and Chicago loves,
UnintendedChoice

Are you so intrigued by this amazingly awful show? Wanna know if Bobby wins or Charlie-Jack wins? Okay, I’ll tell you: After three seasons and lots of flirting and talk about Chicago, Bobby & P.J. finally hook-up. Then they play lots of poker, talk about the Cubs & P.J.’s guyfriends have a ‘stache growing contest (they wanna be just like Charlie Swan). That was my 3 season recap. Now you don’t have to waste time watching the show, even though it’s the most amazing badly written show that should have been cancelled episode 2 EVER!

Have you been the The Forum? Have you checked out TwiTheatre with Calli? You don’t want to miss it this week. It’s hilarious. TwiTheatre