Alas poor Swiftner!..We knew thee..NOT so well

Our silence on the topic of the fake-break-up-cuz-they-never-really-were “Swiftner”  has been hard for you. I know. We couldn’t quite put into words what we were feeling since we heard the news. So, we’ll let this fan letter be an offering of sincere sorrow for the ending of our favoritest fake relationship on the entire planet.

Dear Swiftner,

The ice cream and tissues are running out, “Ghost” is being watched and cried over and Streisand’s “The Way We Were” is on repeat. You came (That’s what she said but we don’t believe her cause you’re not legal), we sighed and then suddenly… it was over and no one cared cause some kid in a shoe shirt took pics with Robsten. Did you sigh in relief that the pressure was off? I mean, there were no wrist-holding pictures to squee over, we didn’t even have enough time to make manips of you in sexually suggestive poses or with your beautifully squinty-eyed children in a Lautner family portrait on Christmas day or even a simple slide show set to “Touch Myself” by the Divinyls. I, contrary to popular opinion, am shattered over your demise (Yes he’s back on the market but it’s not like he’ll be professing his love for ME anytime soon *snort* …as a BFF of course)

You’re keeping the true reason for the break-up under wraps (good on ya! Robsten has taught you well) but that means rumours are rife and so, I’d like to address them…cause then I can finally move on and refill my meds.

He wanted to get some protein in her…she didn’t

Are you telling me you couldn't put up with a mere 10 mile run every morning just to tap this wonder? Girls these days...

Apparently Big Daddy was messing up his plans to create the ULTIMATE TAYLOR WORKOUT video. There were gonna be leotards (for both of them…mmmmm), a featurette on the “perfect meat patty” and Swifty’s version of “Let’s get physical” as a DVD bonus that automatically unlocked itself after the 11th of February. Damn you Big Daddy for making junk food look as sexy as you! How could anyone resist?

penis

PENIS

PEEENNISS

i

am

like

It was all a media stunt

Tay was nervous.He had never kissed anything apart from his Team Edward folder before...

Pffft…yeah right…next thing you’ll be telling me that this was aaaall for some movie they’ve been doing…What? Swifty is HOW old? That can’t be right…That means she’s not in high school (wait..does Chris Hansen know about this?) So all these pics I’ve stuck on my sparkly, pink fur three ring binder…it’s all..*blink*…*bite lip*..fake? But all the angles…and the passion…NO ONE makes out that long for a movie right?

a

lame

14

yr

old

boy

!

There was no chemistry

Hands in pockets? CHECK! Almost Bella pose? CHECK! I sense wild shenanigans in a hotel room tonight!

Swifty are you serious? No chemistry? Weren’t you guys all over each other? Holding wrists…err..hands? …making out in taxi cabs?…taking individual pics with kids?…looking cozy at “makes-me-wanna-have-sex-faster-than-listening-to-Marvin Gaye” KOL concerts? NO? Oh right…That’s Robsten…You guys just looked adorably, squee-ably, teeth-hurtingly, un-touchy-feely cute. Does that mean we got it all wrong? Did we jump the gun faster than we would have jumped Rob behind a dumpster? Were you guys just (gasp! shock! horror!) BFF’s all along? Dun dun dunnnnnn….

i miss

swiftner

even

tho they never really existed

Kanye kept butting in …and he brought the Hansen as his wingman

What's with the hands, Grabby? It's our first date and you wanna go to second base already? But what if dad sees?

Turns out Kanye wasn’t too pleased with boy Tay’s performance on SNL and squealed on them to Chris Hansen. Who did we see hiding in the backseat with a “Team Edward cause he’s legal” thermos of iced tea, waiting for them to park on “Lover’s Point” and make out to “Your body is a wonderland” ? Yup! You guessed it!…somehow having a 50 year old tapping you on the shoulder asking you to get off him and take a seat UP FRONT AND AWAY FROM EACH OTHER!!! ruins a good night. Add Kanye telling you through the partially steamed up windows that Rizzo and Kenickie had the best make-out scene in a car (of ALL TIME!) and you know the relationship is doomed.

Enablers point fingers at some chick named “Illegal”

Oh em gee...So this chick writes letters about you? That's like the funniest thing evah!

I love you guys but there are crazies on other sites claiming responsibility for this already. I just can’t steal their thunder…or their delusional fantasies. My therapist says I can take responsibility for only one celeb break up at a time and currently I’m embroiled in the Robsten saga…I own a kick-ass shoe shirt and I look deceptively 10 years old when I’m actually 23…

Remember when we all thought that was Swifty's hand?...maayyymriiiieeeees...like the cooorners of my miiiiind....

Sigh…I can let you go now…unless you’re planning to revisit the epic-ness after February *wink wink*. If it happens, I’ll be there at your next “date”. I’ll be the one holding the boom box over my head blasting Little Mermaid’s “Kiss the Girl” while wearing a pink, bedazzled, “Swiftner forevah!” shirt. Till then…ILY

Off to buy more ice cream and tissues,

Love,

Illegal

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Someone’s breaking up with you, Twilight

*So last night I may or may not have seen New Moon AGAIN (I won’t even keep track of what number this was at this point) with a couple of virgins and it was splendid and reminded me of all the craptastic and fun and awful things about Twilight the movie which Luladee sums up perfectly in her letter… so I’ll let her take the reigns!*

I'm leaving you for another movie...

Dear John Twilight the movie,

This has been a long time in coming. I wasn’t sure that I would ever have the strength to be able to say this, but recently things have changed and I know now what I have to do.

I’m breaking up with you.

It was never going to work. Oh, there was potential. I did love your book after all. When I found out you were coming to town, I couldn’t wait to meet you! I just knew that we would click and fall madly in love. I know you felt it too. But there’s something I never told you…

I never loved you. In fact, I didn’t even really like you very much. I tried to, I really did. I thought our first date was a fluke… Maybe it was me. Perhaps I shouldn’t have had that fifth second drink (I was really nervous). Maybe I had unfair expectations thinking we were meant for each other and all. So I went out with you again, sure that this date would go much better….it was just as bad as the first. I was crushed, but in denial. I mean, my friends seemed to think you were great. They kept talking about you and found ways to overlook your idiosyncrasies. I thought I could grow to love you, but after our third date, which I was late for (you didn’t even notice), I knew that I would never and COULD never love you. But I sort of faked it for awhile anyway. I thought for sure you knew, but then you aren’t very good at spotting bad acting.

Follow the cut to read the rest of Luludee’s Dear John letter to Twilight the movie

Young love is Taylor-made

Dear Taylors,

Awwww, ain’t young love grand?! It’s not even spring and we get to enjoy a little bit of love blossoming in the fall as we watch you two meet up all over the country. I’m going to write each of you a letter and you can figure out which one is to who…

XO,
Moon

PS Can we come up with a better couple name that Tay-tay or Taylor squared for you guys? Those just don’t have the right ring to them

Our song is the way you phase, sneaking out past paps, tip toeing past a snoring Big Daddy

Dear Taylor,

Don’t screw this up!!! If it’s true and you are playing the hanky panky at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel with Taylor than you’re a lucky SOB cause this girl is 19, you are 17 and in boy/girls maturity levels that’s a lot. And besides that, she’s a young musician who not only plays an instrument but also writes her own music! This girls got it going on, and has the songs to prove it. Which you can learn a lot from, by the way! If we know anything about Taylor we know she likes Romeo and Juliet, love stories, flowers, screen doors slamming, Tim McGraw, castles, tear drops, glitter,  that stupid old pick up truck, burning shit, white horses, hates cheer captains and loves being fearless. Oh and she hates the JoBros. But who doesn’t?

So seriously don’t screw this up cause you KNOW Taylor will turn your relationship in her next number one album if you break her heart! And don’t think we won’t know who’s she’s referring to when she sings about “that stupid dog.”  I will also warn you know that Big Daddy told me he’s getting ready to sit you down and have “the talk” with you! So if Big Daddy asks to take you to McDee’s for some “one-on-one time” he’s not refering to private time with a certain fried fish sammy, he’s talking about emabarassing birds and the bees, this is where babies come from, true love waits, keep it in your pants shiz! Prepare yourself! And tape it, so we can listen later cause it will be epically 2nd hand embarrassing! Oh and if Kanye gets any funny ideas at this years Grammy’s you better come prepared to throw down. I’m talking “don’t get me upset” Jacob style throw down.

Ok now go send this girls some flowers and do a back flip for her while you recite a poem you wrote called “Taylor + Taylor, we can make it not a failure” So, clearly you’ll help you with your writing skills (and mine).

It’s a love story Taylor, just say yes!
Moon

PS If something happens and you have to break up with her don’t do it via phone like that loser Jonas Brother did. You’re a classy fellow have the balls and do that ish in person!

Follow the cut to see my letter to the other Taylor! And some other goodies…

This Cosmic Love – Edward and Bella

Dear Edward and Bella,

Sometimes words can adequately explain why your love story is so great. So words like cosmic seem like the only thing that can come near to explaining something so big, so strong and all encompassing. When Calli sent this video over I knew somehow someone had tapped into just a little once of truth regarding you two. The video features the song “Cosmic Love” by Florence and the Machine and I really can’t think of a better way to state the good, the bad and the lovely about you two. I was so intrigued by the term cosmic that I wanted to see the full extent of the term and here’s what good ol Merriam Webster had to say on the subject:

Cosmic
1 a : of or relating to the cosmos, the extraterrestrial vastness, or the universe in contrast to the earth alone b : of, relating to, or concerned with abstract spiritual or metaphysical ideas
2 : characterized by greatness especially in extent, intensity, or comprehensiveness

Yea, I think that about sums it up…
Themoonisdown

PS big thanks to the lovely, radical, funny Calli

What words would you use to describe Bella and Edward?

Follow the cut to read the lyrics

Caution: New Moon may cause tears, read at your own risk

(spoilers! though you should know by now this site is riddled with them)
(warning: total geeking out/stephenie meyer fangirl post)

Dear Stephenie Meyer-

After finishing up what you had written of Midnight Sun I inevitably jumped to the place it left off in Twilight and then last night inevitably ended up at New Moon all over again. It’s a vicious cycle I tell ya! But I think it was much like my experience reading MS and Twilight for the 2nd time. I enjoyed it even more… and was totally not looking forward to ‘the break up.’ If you can even call it that. Seriously, I knew it was coming and I kept turning the pages and I had to stop! I put down the book several times and walked away because I knew what was going to happen when he asked her to “take a walk,” and I just couldn’t bear to read it again. I wanted to yell “DON’T DO IT!!” But of course I soldiered on and read through it. And inevitably cried when he left and then cried some more at the October – January chapters, (it gets me EVERY time Stephenie) which by my estimation is some of the best usage of literary device/technique I’ve ever read… and I’ve read a lot of stuff.

It also made me rethink where I put New Moon in my list of favorite books of yours. I like to make lists. I guess I had forgotten how sad and melancholy and depressing and just plain PAINFUL this book is. And I LOVE it for those reasons. I was so caught up last night reading that I texted Unintendedchoice at some ungodly hour because I couldn’t stand it anymore. I said: “…I’m dying reading New Moon, the part where he leaves her. This is literally painful… God.” So good.

Which leads me too the fact that I’m now even MORE excited about how the movie version of New Moon will turn out! This is the stuff I’m looking forward too…

– The birthday party scene and JASPER!
– The break up scene (can we figure out another name for this!)
– finding/fixing/riding the motorcycles
– the development of the Bella/Jacob relationship
– THE WOLVES! DUH!

"Jacob was a gift from the Gods"

AND all this led me to figuring out that Taylor Lautner really IS the perfect movie version of Jacob! Though he isn’t exactly what I picture in my head… he’s the perfect best friend, puppy dog faced, TEENAGE boy that Jacob SHOULD be.

So as you can see Stephenie (and LTT regulars) I’ve thought A LOT about this last night and just HAD to share cause I know if I’ve put this much thought into it then surely there’s someone else out there who feels that same way.

Love you long time!
Me (themoonisdown)

PS (to you guys) So what stuff have you figured out reading these books or New Moon specifically a 2nd (or 3rd or 65th) time through?