Monday Funnies: Inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight

Dear people sitting at work hungry for things to distract them from the fact that it’s Monday and you’re sitting at work,

With a new Twilight saga movie, we’re treated with TONS of things we can feature for Monday Funnies.  Get ready for this one. Put down your coffee cup. Go run and pee. Then go pee again and practice your quiet office giggle because this one is gonna have you rolling.  Thanks to @nwalmn on Twitter for sending this our way. And to the blogger, The Bloggess, who is bringing us today’s Monday Funnies:

Inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight:

1. Why the hell am I reading the Twilight series?

2. The Twilight vampires are so strong that they can inadvertently knock someone’s head off if they aren’t paying attention because humans are as softer than butter compared them. So wouldn’t having sex with Bella be like f*cking a wishing well?

3. No, really. Why am I reading these? I’m 35, for God’s sake. This is more embarrassing than that summer I had all those weird sex dreams about Dumbledore.

4. Wait, I mean Snape. Not Dumbledore. No one has sex dreams about Dumbledore. That would be disgusting.

5. Okay, fine. It was a three-way with Snape and Dumbledore. Ron Weasley was watching for some reason. That part was weird.

Umm Brilliant so far? Yes. Read the rest after the jump!

Happy Birthday UC, Love the Cullens and the rest of the gang!

Dear UnintendedChoice (your FULL fake name, this is a formal situation!)-

These blogs are usually meant as a place for us to write letters to Twilight and Rob but since it’s you’re birthday and I’m going to hell, I’m breaking ALL the rules! See, I can’t even get through an opening line without quoting this blasted series/movie, can you believe what it’s done to us?! I can’t! But what I can believe is it’s your BIRTHDAY!!! And you’re 21! Forever 21, ya’ll. Ok, maybe not 21 but a lady never reveals such secrets. I’m struggling right now to straddle the line between bringing the  funny and gushing uncontrollably about how much I love you. In a fake lesbian, life partners, blog partners kind of way, OF COURSE.

I can’t image a better person to run a blog empire with! Whenever I’m feeling particularly uncreative I know I can ‘break it down’ with you and I’ll come up with the best post ever. It’s like we always say “we’re better together” cause no one can help bring out the funny like you. You are the yin to my yang, the Bella to my Edward, the Sage to my Dills.

Please always be my life partner!
Themoonisdown

PS The Cullens sent me this rad picture and birthday poem they wrote* just for you!

We dress like this for ALL special occasions

When you open your presents, try not to hurt your finger,
for the scent of blood, Jasper can’t stand to linger,
and if Edward throws you ON TOP the table,
you’d better be ready, willing and able
cause he’s 107**, and oh so pure,
but you my dear, are his only cure!
So have some cake, some ice cream too,
and know that us Cullens all love you !

Happy Birthday UC,
The Cullens (your future in-laws)

*major thanks to the lovely Kristin for helping a writers blocked Moon with this awesome poem!
** we debated if it was 107 or 108 so uh someone set us straight!

A penny saved is a penny earned!

Dear Twilight Fans-

Summit’s running a fun little contest over on the official myspace where you can win a completely canned phone call from Rob to be delivered on New Years Eve, cause we know Rob won’t actually be calling you on NYE, hopefully he’ll be banging some hot chick (me). The catch is, you have to tell them how many times you’ve seen Twilight, the movie. Ok, so I thought three times was normal… uh, apparently not here’s a glimpse at some of the comments:

Gal#1
Dec 17 2008 6:41 AM
i have seen this movie like 26 or more times. i watch it every day i get home from school. it is sooo… awesome!!! i could basically recite it! [internet sites are awesome!]……=]

Gal #2
Dec 17 2008 6:40 AM
i have seeen this movie 39 timess :] i love it i can watch it over and over again.

and the kicker…

Gal #3
Dec 17 2008 6:41 AM
Ive literally seen it like 50 times Ive spent almost a whole paycheck on tickets…(i need intervention bad)lol i even ditched class to wait to wait outside in the cold twice so i could see it lol its a shame

Ok, REALLY?? Let’s for one second believe this is real and break this down… we’ll split the difference and say you’ve seen it 30 times…

30 screenings x $9.00 ticket = $270!!! and that’s not even counting popcorn… so let’s say…

$270 x $10.00 concessions = $2700.00!!!!!!!!

Holy crap. It’s great and all to be a fan and/or the one person to bankroll the next three movies by yourself, but COME ON. May I suggest what you could have done with that 2700.00?

1. Get a new handbag? Louis Vuitton has a great gray bag im dying for… or maybe a chloe?
2. get a trainer, move to LA and actually MEET these boys?
3. donate to a good cause? give to your local BLOOD bank? or CWA (Carlisle Would Approve)?

4. Seek psychiatric evaluation immediately!

Love you freaks!
Me

PS more from me later on twi-fans!