Xavier Samuel, Welcome to Twilight oh and watch your donuts!

Dear Xavier,

I told UC I wanted to write you a letter since I’m pretty sure you still have a Google alert set up for your own name but I didn’t think I could make an entire letter out of: “HOLY CRAP, you’re HOT!” So since you’re a newbie to this fandom and since I’m more than willing to make fun of these dorks,  I thought I’d give you the 411 and the in’s and out’s of everything you need to know about Twilight. God help you.

Shhh they'll never know we're together! Let's wait one more week before we break their hearts!

Shhh they'll never know we're together! Let's wait one more week before we break their hearts!

First of all there’s there two…

Edward and Bella aka Rob and Kristen.

Stay away from this… stay far far away. Let them wallow in their angst and shirts from goodwill they never bothered to wash and keep right on moving. They’ll take the brunt of most of this saga and you should thank them. Send them a muffin basket or something and move along.

You might wanna watch out for Kristen, clearly she has a thing for boys with messy hair, questionable grooming habits and accents… you look like you might fit this bill. Watch your back. And take an occasional shower, that should keep her away.

taylorbigdaddyvancouver

I called ahead Taylor, they have a PizzaHut Express near our gate!

Next up…

Taylor Lautner aka Jacob Black

He’s the dude on the right. He’ll be the one lifting weights between scenes and drinking protein shakes while the rest of you get trashed at whatever friend of a friends band is playing that night. That dude on the left is affectionately known as Big Daddy. Watch your donuts around him.

Oh and uh yea Taylor’s 17. Ponder that one for a few.

Follow the cut to learn more Xavier!
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No words… ok, maybe just a few

Spring Break 97 yall!!!!

Spring Break 97 y'all!!!!

Dear Kristen-

I’m starting to feel like your sponsor these days with all the letters we’ve sent you about your stoner ways… but seriously a POT LEAF BIKINI?? Really, what on God’s green earth are you thinking? This is like one step BELOW a Corona bikini. And all this time I thought THAT thing was the pinnacle of white trash. You have proven me wrong. Well played.

But to quote someone who I think you’ll agree with me is wise beyond her years, I’d like to share this thought with you…

How old are you, Kristen? 19 in April?…” Well my birthday’s in May and as someone older can I please give you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at a party, but it is quite another to be fried all day.”

Ah yes, wiser words have never been spoken. And seriously Kristen you’re taking it to another level of LAME with all this bong and pot bikini madness. I half expect to tune into VH1 and see you on Sober House/Celeb Rehab. By all means, enjoy whatever you want to do in your off time, I could seriously care less, but don’t freaking advertise it. I know people who have ‘good times’ but don’t walk around in a shirt that says “I SMOKE WEED, DUH!” This makes you look like the kinda girl who would hang out with my roomate’s weird, stoner boyfriend and watch South Park all day. I just don’t get it.

Oh and tell that meth-face next to you to use some sunscreener. geez.

UGGGHhhh,
themoonisdown

Picture from Egotastic!

*Update* Sent this to myguyfriend since he spoke so eloquently about her over at LTR and he had this to say:

“ha, that dude she with looks like tommy lee and kid rock put their piles of shit together after a 7 night bender and he was the product”

Thinking of incorporating  KStew’s rockin’ bikini into a valentines poem or graphic? Well, DO IT! Check out our v-tines contest deets here!