Tweed Edward vs High-School Edward

I’m almost home! Have you missed me? Probably not, because I posted some pretty kick-ass fan letters this week. THIS ONE is not any different!


Dear Summit Execs/Twilight & New Moon hair, makeup & wardrobe people:

Allow me to introduce myself:  I’m a thirty-something married mom.  Middle class, suburbs, Midwesterner, blah blah blah.  All I’m missing is the minivan and that’s only because that would cramp my style.  But I digress.  My purpose of writing is to discuss with you the urban myth of women hitting their sexual primes in their 30s.  When I turned 30, my husband waited with baited breath but as I was 4 days away from going into labor with our 2nd child, there was no sexual awakening that night.  The next year, same thing-hubs crossing the digits-but apparently taking care of a 3 year old and a 1 year old doesn’t make you frisky.  Who knew??  Another year or two or four went by and the husband was like a kid who has found out Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

Then in April 2009, I picked up Twilight.  I started reading it one night in bed while the hubs was snoring next to me, probably dreaming of Farrah Fawcett (holdover adolescent crush, RIP Jill Munroe).  I read through a few chapters and was intrigued but not hooked.  Yet.  That next night, I had a naughty dream about Edward and woke up………IN LOVE.

Cue obsession with all things Robward.

Cue voracious reading of consecutive novels in “The Saga” and the first of MANY viewings of Twilight.

Cue husband’s disdain (jealousy?) of my obsession.

Cue my discovery of the “fade to black” blanks filled in via *speaks reverently* FAN FICTION.

Cue………sexual prime!

See husband’s happy face as he finds out “Yes, Virginia, Santa DOES exist.”

Myth busted, Summit.  With a little help from a fictional character from  young adult novels, of course.

So why the hell am I writing to you, Summit execs and movie hair/makeup/wardrobe people, you ask?  Because as a newly inducted member of the “Sexual Prime Club” who fantasizes about sharpening her claws, I find myself noticing young adult men in ways I never did.  (That’s normal, right?  And I did say “adult.”)  Twilight allowed me to perv on a hot, hot, hot seventeen-year-old who is really a 108-year-old vampire but portrayed by a 23-year-old man!  GENIUS!  WIN for cougars everywhere.  I can fantasize but it’s legal.  I can lust but there’s no threat of jail time and ridicule from my peers.  (Well, there’s always ridicule but no threat of “pedophile” spray-painted on my driveway.)  I can perv without a visit from Chris Hansen.

This kiss gave me the chills.  He sneaked into her bedroom!  How hot to my thirty-something old self that knows how creepy it should be! “I just wanna try one thing” INDEED!

The T shirt.  That tight jaw.  The bad-boy sheepish grin.  The crazy driving.  The stalking and voyeurism.  It’s like someone read my 14-year-old self’s diary!

Then…..New Moon happened.  (And some particularly angst-ridden FF.  And some dreaded Christmas shopping. And flu season.)

Allow this chart to illustrate:

How Twilight/New Moon affected my sex life:

This is supposed to keep my sexual prime going strong?

WTF, Summit?  Where did that hot, hot, hot high school boy go?  I don’t WANT to crush on my college Anthropology professor!  I don’t WANT to fantasize about chalk dust on tweed.  I don’t WANT to role-play getting an A for “extra credit.”  (Wait-scratch that.  That kinda sounds fun.)  I don’t WANT Edward to be as grumpy as my grandpa discussing the Great Depression and how every “kid” under the age of 45 is on drugs.

I WANT my illicit (yet legal) thrills, Summit.  I WANT high school Edward back.  Now I know Eclipse will be out soon so this letter may be too late, but millions of thirty-something libidos (and the future happiness of their partners) are counting on you.  Leather, NOT  tweed.  Sex hair, NOT old man hair.  Tight, sexy jeans, NOT elastic-waist “slacks.”  The Cullen crest cuff, NOT Grandpa’s pocket watch.

To recap:

YES please

HALE NO!

Keep the myth alive, Summit.  (You can probably expect another letter before Breaking Dawn so you don’t go the “Dad” route on Edward with sneakers and bald spots.  “Teenaged” dads can be HOT too.)

Signed,

USDA Prime

Why have we never discussed this before? Teenage Edward vs. Old Man Edward. MOON & UC FAIL! What do you think? Are you into OldManward? Or do you like the idea of the 17 year old who is really 108 but played by a 23 year old Teenagerward?

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Life after Breaking Dawn- A Contemplation

It’s UC, posting from the past (seriously, I’m drafting this like 2 years in advance) because I’m still on my romantic vacation with my husband having the BEST time of my life drinking the BEST drinks in creation (please don’t rain in Mexico, please don’t rain in Mexico). Today we have a great letter about life AFTER Breaking Dawn. Dream with us (or be horrified), won’t you?

Dear Stephenie,

Have you ever stopped to think about what life will be like a few years or so down the road for everyone with the way you ended Breaking Dawn? If not you should and I think you should consider about writing about it (AFTER you finish and publish Midnight Sun of course).

First you should probably know a couple things about me. I loved Breaking Dawn with all it’s flaws, even the ones that infuriated me (case in point: Edward delaying sex AGAIN after Bella’s a vamp on her first hunt. I yelled at the book/Edward. He finally can have worry free sexy time and he doesn’t take the opportunity? He has been a 17 year old for like 90 years, you KNOW he wants to get some. But no, he stops Bella by mentioning the kid. Seriously!? …but I digress…). Where was I? Oh yes things you should know about me. I’m an idealist and hopeless romantic, so as a result I have a weakness for getting a happy ending (twss). I like details. And another thing is I always want more. My mind constantly wonders, “then what?” I want the story to go on not wanting it to end. So I’ve thought several times since I’d first read Breaking Dawn “what would happen?”

Will the Volturi go after and kill Joham for his experimenting and creating those half-vamps? Will the Volturi stop there, or will they kill Nahuel the guy who saved them all from a bloodbath and his sisters? What will the Cullens do when they find out about it? Will they step in and go ninja on the Volturi’s asses and be the new Volturi family and everyone will live in fear of the Cullen’s wrath instead? Will all vampires for the rest of eternity say “you don’t provoke the Cullens unless you want to die”? Or will the Volturi do a sneak attack on the Cullens and try to take out Renesmee first?

Yes all of these things and much more have run through my mind. But the most nagging questions for me have been surrounding the four most central characters at the end of the story: Edward, Bella, Jacob, Renesmee… and sex. (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I’m a very sexually minded creature).

Find out what this idealist, sexually-minded creature comes up with for “Life after Breaking Dawn” after the jump! Continue reading

Twilosophy: Why is the Leg Hitch in Eclipse SO important?

Dear LTT-ers and Twilosophy Majors,

Yesterday, after UC posted her thoughts on the Eclipse reshoots and how David Slade better get the “leg hitch” right and if that’s the reason for all the secrecy and need to go to Vancouver than she was all for it. Which we are, 100%. I mean we’re so committed to this being right we’re even willing to be the stand in’s or film it ourselves with a camera phone and Robert Pattinson in our wrought iron bed (we share one, duh. All good bloggers do) with gold brocade bedding we purchased at Anna’s Linens for the occasion. But as it turns out not everyone even knows what the crap the leg hitch even is. Witness this resulting conversation of me trying to explain it after yesterday’s post…
c

More like #cop a feel than #leg hitch

The Font: okay, i have pretended to understand this for long enough what the fuck is leg hitch?
Moon: i thought i explained it to you guys during a podcast
Font: no way, i would remember
Moon: ok, so in Eclipse theres this super hot scene that everyone always talks about. edward leaves to go off hunting with the dudes and leaves bella with alice and whoever at his house. well his room doesnt have a bed since vampires dont sleep so she thinks shes going to sleep on the couch or something during this weekend well anyway he gets her this bed (im so embarrassed) at some point in the weekend he comes back and they start getting it on. i will look up the quote but anyway during the making out it says something about “leg hitch.” we’ve been talking about it since last march and well it took off
Font:wait, leg hitch like his junk?
Moon: NOOOO! like grabbing someones leg and pulling it up
Font: I DON’T UNDERSTAND MOON*! what? this is a dry sex metaphor?
Moon: omg Font*
Font: Moon*, i have been reading this site for like six months (editors note: WAY longer. you’ve been making fun of me since at least last summer). i don’t know what the fuck is going on
Moon: OMG SERIOUSLY?!!!!! if you’re making out and/or having sex with someone
Font: i get it!
Moon: and you grab their leg like under the knee
Font: listen this is not my first rodeo
Moon: thank god! please dont make me explain it anymore!
Font: i really feel like this is a let down
Moon: why? cause, sometimes seeing behind the curtain isnt as good as the illusion.
Font:  truth, truth. But it’s such a weird phrase
Moon: I’m looking it up…

“He pulled my leg up suddenly, hitching it around his hip” -pg 186

Font: that doesn’t even make sense. these books are dumb
Moon: COME ON!

It's so important people feel the need to create fan art about it!

So of course this got me to thinking… why is the leg hitch so important? What about this seemingly small moment in the 3rd installment of the saga has captured the passion of so many people? And what does it say about the characters and us readers?

First off I think we have to understand that this is really one of the first “intense” (for them) make out moments Bella and Edward have. Besides some kissing and hugging the ultimate self cock blocker, Edward keeps it pretty G rated for the kids. So for readers who have been salivating over every little hand hold or emo eye locks in the science room, this is about more than we can handle. Bella and Edward touching… down… there?! ZOMG. But ever the moralist and well, a good story teller, Stephenie Meyer leaves us wanting more cause just when things are heating up Bella opens her dumb fat mouth and Edward remembers his priest-like lifestyle.

Secondly, this make out is the catalyst for a very important conversation between Edward in Bella. After remembering he thinks girls have cooties and pushing Bella away they discuss her not-s0-secret trips to La Push while he was gone. And FINALLY Edward figures out he’s being a monumentally freaky overprotective boyfriend and agrees that Bella should be able to visit Jacob and her friends in La Push. He comes to the realization that he needs to trust her judgment more. Even though she’s a danger magnet and is subconsciously, in some way in love with Jacob, Edward realizes that if Bella feels she’s safe than he needs to trust her.

Bada bing bada BOOM

And finally it’s important for Bella to see that Edward likes her in more than a vampire-I’m-attracted-to-your-blood-only kind of way. He wants her like any normal high school boy wants his girlfriend. Who doesn’t want to feel that way? Even though he shuts her down just when things are getting all mcsteamy up on the brocade bedspread, she already comes to the realization that he likes her on multiple levels.

But really, what isn’t there to GET about the leg hitch? It’s hot. It’s Edward in a bed doing all kinds of things high school girls and 20 somethings girls and 30 something girls and 40 something girls and moms and librarians and the Golden Girls dream about doing with a guy like him.

And THAT, my friends is why the much ballyhooed “leg hitch” is important!

We ain’t talkin’ trailer hitches!
Themoonisdown

So why do you think the leghitch is so important to us? Why is it important to Edward and Bella. What’s the BIG deal??


*We do not actually call each other Font and Moon in real life. Thank god. This is weird enough*

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Reshoots in Vancouver? What could POSSIBLY need to be reshot? Oh, I know…

Dear David Slade,

We’re 70 days out from Eclipse. SEVENTY. We’ve had one trailer (I think), a few stills, a lot of drama & rumor after rumor about so much stuff I can’t keep facts and rumors straight anymore.

Remember us?

Let’s think back to what was going on 70 days before New Moon released. I did a calculation (literally I checked it like 12 times & I’m probably still wrong) and figured out that was on September 10, 2009 (you remember, around our 10 month 9 month anniversary!)

70 days ago, Moon broke down ALL the best news in 10 words of less, signing off her Death Cab for cutie news section with my all-time favorite moonism ever:

Dear Chris Walla of Death Cab,
I think I’m in love, you called Edward an “A-hole.”

I will follow you into the dark,
Moon

We had the New Moon trailer released at the MTV movie awards and the LA times New Moon insider pictures. David you started your infamous twit pics of shadowy shapes of nature & pieces of grass, we had a soundtrack preview and more Jortspack pictures than we could handle. We were inundated with New Moon mania.

Sure, Chris Weitz is a DILF and you can’t compete with that- he rode the Summit PR train like Cathy Hardi rides Rob in her dreams. Eclipse WAS still filming during New Moon mania giving us double overload with Summit-released saga info as well as fan released Eclipse goods. And we know you’re doing reshoots in the upcoming days, so maybe you just don’t have anything good enough to give us. And speaking of reshoots, let’s vamp (ha!) on that for a second. Summit came out and acted like it wasn’t a big deal saying there were no major scenes to be re-shot. I think I’m gonna call your bluff. Not a big deal? We’re 70 days out- you’re in full on editing mode and there are some changes big enough that flying a few cast members to Vancouver is necessary? I’M GONNA CALL THAT A BIG DEAL.

As I’ve been kept awake late into the night thinking about WHY you might possibly need to re-shoot some scenes I’ve come up with only one possible explanation: You’re finally convinced the LEGHITCH is important and your half-assed attempt at it wasn’t good enough

We don't want any of your fancy-pants new dry humping in the meadow

You’ve been hearing our cry for a year now. You’ve seen our threatening tweets. Sure you didn’t believe us in the beginning and you tried some fancy new dry-hump scene where Bella feels the special tingles down there for the first time and tried to play it off as the leghitch, but that’s not what we asked for. That’s not what we need. It was simple. It was our only request- It’s the mother effing leghitch. And if my speculation is right and that IS why you’re going back up to Couve, then by all means, get it done, son! But just in case that wasn’t your plan and the LEGHITCH the RIGHT WAY still isn’t a part of the movie…… Here are some things I promise to do if there’s not a mother effing LegHitch, just the way we want it:

  1. Make cardboard cut outs of Chris Weitz & you and note the difference in their height with a big ass sign above their heads saying “BIG MAN vs SMALL MAN.” Then I will sleep out for as many days necessary to get up in the FRONT of the red carpet at the premiere where I can display my cut-outs proudly
  2. Boycott your movie (aka only see it once OR buy tickets for Sex in the City 2 and sneak into Eclipse without paying)*
  3. Track down your home address & give it to Catherine Hardwicke, telling her you were hoping she’d ‘stop by for a visit,’ margaritas in hand, to retell the story of how she was responsible for the love affair that is Robsten. If you’re extra bad I’ll tell her you want to help her make a new Robsten video for You Tube.
  4. Cut the blades of grass you were so adamant about taking pictures of during filming. You have a love affair with nature? Watch what I do to nature. Snip, snip.
  5. I will convince the VPs at Summit (and I’m VERY convincing (read: I got a new shirt that shows off the ‘girls’ real well)) that you want to direct Breaking Dawn SO badly that you’re willing to do it for free.

Half-assed attempt? Or the REAL deal?

So to recap, Eclipse is coming up SOON (70 days, 70 days) and I feel like we know very little about it. I’m scared to hear you’re doing some reshoots so late in the game, yet encouraged if they are to fix major issues that will give us a frownsmile if they are allowed in the final cut. If you HAD other plans for your time in Vancouver and you DON’T currently have an amazing leghitch scene of epic proportions currently shot, then I suggest you quick grab a couple sheets of screenplay paper & your teeny, tiny pencil and write us a mother effing leghitchscene to end all leg hitch scenes

Or else.

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What do you think? Are you nervous they are doing reshoots? Are you still afraid we’re not going to get the leghitch we all dream of? Is this top priority on our fasting & praying list?

*once in college I snuck into a 2nd movie after paying for the first one with some friends & I still live with the guilt, so I probably won’t be doing option #2

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Appreciation for the supporting cast

We love the Twilight supporting cast- we really do. From Butcrack Santa to Tequila Tomas, and Big Daddy Lautner to Michael Oregano we can’t get enough of them. Even if they were killed off in the first movie, don’t really exist or aren’t really ‘cast’ members- they are in our hearts. We’re not alone in our love for the smaller parts of the Twilight cast:
secret
Dear Twilight,
secret
I would like to express my appreciation for your supporting characters who don’t get as much time in the limelight as the main cast:

Thank you for staring at me, my young friends...

Aro– Thanks for being a traditional vamp. You’re an intriguingly odd blend of hand wringing, “My Precious” coveting, Golum mixed with Paul Reubens from the Buffy movie. Your cat-playing-with-a-mouse demeanor just kills. I may have even dabbled a little in Team Aro on occasion (just briefly and ’cause I’m old). But alas, Aro, I don’t think you’d be on my team, ifyouknowwhatimsayin.


Jane’s Eyebrows- Above that fabulous smokey eye is a well groomed, but very prominently wide eyebrow. It’s comforting. It takes me back to my early childhood in the 80’s where eyebrows were encouraged to run wild. It was a simplier time for eyebrows, back then. Brooke Shield’s -before-she-was-peddling-Latisse caterpillers were “the Rachel” of the eyebrow world. True, we have Rob’s free range eyebrows, but they are an entity all to themselves. Jane’s eyebrows are a waxed, 2nd cousin to Robs. If Rob is Team Eyebrow’s pitcher, Jane is the teams first baseman.
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Anna Kendricks Boobs– Seriously, you could bake cookies on that rack and everyone appreciates a good boob. Daily, I am awash in a sea of clevage (Snow, are you a stripper? No. Are you a mammogram tech? No… I just live in the OC) and all I can say is Nice Tits. Go Team Boobs!
secret
Carlisle’s Scarf Collection– Carlisle, I’m jealous and I admire your appreciation of neckware. You’ve seen centuries of neckcessories come and go, from Ruffs, to Cravats, to Ascots, to Neckties, and now scarves. I bet you have some cashmere beauties tucked away. Caius likes scarves too. Were you two, like, scarf buddies back in the day? Team Scarf? (OK I just pictured the opening scarf scene from “Basic Instinct” and now I’m a little creeped out). Anyway, I’d love any of your cast offs. Mmmmm I bet they smell delicious.
Secret
Jacob’s Teary Wolf Eye– Oh how you made me howl with sadness and oh how I was Team Jacobed in that moment. The “Academy” should give a nod to The Eye. The Eye made me feel. The Eye can ACT. (OK, maybe I’m projecting here because my dog gives me the same sad eye, hang head, dejectedly skulks out of the room whenever he catches me putting on non-dog walking shoes. Guilt is powerful). Oh Sad Wolf Eye, how you break my heart.
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Ashley Greene’s Painted on Bikini Pictures– Many of us have that pesky 15 5 pounds to lose. I lost 4 lbs. following the What Would Ashley Eat diet. On “What Would Ashley Eat”, or W.W.A.E. for short, One simply asks herself when, say, choosing a salad dressing, would Ashley pick Bleu Cheese? HALE No. She’d probably use lemon juice and salt &pepper. Lemon is a great diet aide. You don’t get those fierce hollow cheeks without suckin some sour. For that 9 PM snack, when dinner just wasn’t quite enough, instead of reaching for crackers (would Ashley? No), grab some almonds and a big glass of tequilla organic fat free milk. I’m thinkin there is another component to this diet, like What Would Ashley Throw-up, but I’m not going to go there.
secret
Appreciating the supporting cast like a good bra,
snowwhitedrifted


Don’t forget Angela’s camera! And what about that kid who almost kills Bella with his car? And MRS. Cope! Poor flustered by 17-year-old Edward-Cullen, Mrs. Cope! What secondary “Characters” do YOU love!?

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Wait, Renesmee is cool? She serves a purpose? Cam explains why

*Cam writes to Stephenie about the much debated vampire love child Renesemee and gives it to us from a mom perspective. An LTT mom perspective… settle in… This is also an excuse to post more creepy Renesmee fan images*

The fact that these exsist make my day!

Dear Stephenie,

I get it. I totally get it. Reneesme. See, I’m a mom, too. So I 100% get and support Reneesme.

I know most of the fandom can’t stand your rapidly aging, mind-reading, half – vamp baby and they really can’t stand her name, but I get why Reneesme had to happen and appreciate her part of the story.

You said on Oprah that your kids were terrible sleepers – that they didn’t sleep through the night until they were almost 2! Ouch. As any mother knows, those first few months of sleep deprivation (or in your case years!) will make you go crazy. Straight up question your sanity, make you feel like a zombie crazy. (No wonder you dreamed of vampires!) You’ve also said that to you, your Twilight world was a fantasy world where Bella did and experienced things you never would. So no wonder that when you took our beloved Twilight series to its ending, you would include a miracle half – human, half – vampire baby who embodies all of the things real babies aren’t. You wanted Bella to experience motherhood in a way none of us ever will – in idyllic (if slightly creepy and horrific) perfection. You made Bella the luckiest vampire in the world when you created Reneesme. Not only does she get the perfect man night after night for all of eternity, she gets the world’s perfect baby. Win – win.

So Stephenie, I’ve compiled a list of all the reasons Reneesme totally makes sense and all the fabulous qualities of a fantasy half – human, half – vampire baby and pregnancy.

  • Conception – On a private island with the world’s perfect man, with action so hot you break beds, plus all the eggs you can eat? Sign me up!


  • Pregnancy – Instead of 40 long weeks of your body slowly getting bigger and bigger and stretching every which way – you get it over with quickly. One month of rapid stretching and bone breaking. Um, wait…maybe this isn’t an advantage.


  • Birth – This sounds pretty horrible. I think both my husband and I would freak out if he had chewed our children out of me. I had to convince him just to cut the umbilical cord. But hey, any way you get a baby out is no walk in the park. Plus, ultimately this gets Bella what she wants – Edward. Maybe it is worth it.


  • The baby sleeps through the night immediately. Win!

Seriously, if you made this please raise your hand

  • You don’t have to nurse her. Yes, being able to nurse your children is a gift and a joy and a special bonding time. But it also ruins your boobs. And limits what you can do. I’m not one of those people to just whip out my boobs and nurse anywhere. Although UC’s boob off does sound interesting. Can there be a National Geographic prize for those TwiMoms among us?


  • No post baby weight to get off. In fact, post birth you look better than you did before. This is pure fantasy. After I had my babies, I was just glad my earrings hadn’t fallen out and I hadn’t sweated or cried all of my mascara off.


  • You wake up wearing a hot silk dress and stilettos, ready to spring into vampire action!


  • You have sex really quickly after you have the baby. Like all night every night while your baby sleeps happily in the next room. This is why there are TwiMoms. Because we know the reality — your sex life is totally different after kids – and right after you have the baby…um, not so much.


  • Jacob imprinting on her. You know, love, and trust the person who will take care of your child for the rest of her life. You know they have met their soul mate. Those are all dreams of moms for their children. We want nothing more than for our children to have life partners who will love, respect and take care of them. Sure, it’s a bit creepy that he used to be in love with Bella, but whatever. Minor detail.

The newest and my most favorite entry into the Renesmee fanart Hall of Shame

  • The name — Do I like the name you picked, Stephenie? Does it matter? Nope. My theory is if you birth it, you get to name it no questions or opinions from anyone else allowed. Is it a mouthful to say and spell?  Yes. But this is your baby, Steph, so if you like the name, then good for you.

You’re welcome, Stephenie. I know most people complain about Reneesme. I know she ruined the story for a lot of fans. But to me, she was the icing on the fantasy vampire life cake. And while there are some aspects of vampire mommy hood (Edward) that sound appealing, I think I prefer human mommy hood.

Just one request….could you help a sister out and finish Midnight Sun?

Completely and Irrevocably in Reneesme’s Defense,

Cam

Good call Cam… Maybe Stephenie just wanted to write about having the perfect little girl that she wouldn’t get to have as a human. And the boob thing, totes get that! But these manips? Don’t get these… What do you all think? What’s the real reason Stephenie decided to write Renesmee into the story?

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Will Bill Condon direct Breaking Dawn, The Musical? I sure hope so!

If you only knew...

Dear Bill Condon,

Oh Bill Condon… oh Bill, Bill, Bill… if you only knew what you were getting yourself into… alas that is a letter for another day. We have more pressing matters to discuss today…

Of all the rumored directors being vetted for Breaking Dawn: Gus van Sant, Sofia Coppola, Fernando Meirelles and a few others your name seems to just keep coming up. Especially yesterday when we learned that you may be in talks/negotiations to direct BD. And I gotta say I’m super excited! For the general public they probably best know you from your film adaptations of the musicals Chicago and Dreamgirls*. As a HUGE nerd fan of musicals this has my head spinning. Because I’m sure, like me, there are tons of people out there thinking Breaking Dawn will be turned into a musical. A musical version of Breaking Dawn? YES PLEASE!!! Just imagine it…

We open with a wide shot of Forks with an incoming rain storm in the background. Charlie slowly drives the streets in his cop car singing a  “Patrolling in the Rain” type of song under his breath. Then the skies open up and it begins raining. Raining glitter, of course.

glitter, lots and lots of glitter!

Then we catch up with Bella singing about that dumb ol car as she gases up the Mercedes Guardian at the gas station and then uses the gas pump as a prop jump rope and sings “Only a Human, not yet a Vampire” as a man taps dances around the car inspecting it.

Later on we have the wedding scene which I imagine as a sort of Guys and Dolls Nathan and Adelaide getting married scene only set in the Cullens backyard while we cut to shots of Jacob running through the forest singing “Get me to the church Cullens on time.”

Then to celebrate their marriage we have a huge ensemble number, a re-imaging of “We’ve only just begun” with the Cullen family, Wolfpacks, humans, townspeople raising closed umbrella’s for them to walk through and then as they leave for the honeymoon, instead of throwing birdseed or rose petals the guests throw, what else? Glitter!

In honor of Stephenie Meyer’s ultimate cockblock, for the honeymoon  scene instead of fading to black the musical version of Breaking Dawn will have something very similar to “Contact” by Angel in Rent, where we don’t actually really see anything go down but we know it’s a big metaphor for sex. Yup, Stephenie you will still have your fade to black in the end.

Yup, twihards made this Bill. GET READY

Bella giving birth closes the first act . I imagine this like the scene (I think, theater nerds help me out) in Carousel when Billy is stabbed and instead of it being literally blood spurting, instead a red sheet slowly gets pulled out to symbolize her bleeding to death as Edward holds up Reneesme all Rafiki-holds-Simba-up-in-Lion-King like and then hands her to Rosalie as he launches into a gut wrenching soliloquy about possibly losing Bella all while Jacob cowers in the corner singing to himself quietly.

End of Act 1

Follow the cut to see what I dream up for Act 2, it’s a real show stopper, trust me
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