Drunk texts, drunk dialing, drunk emails all about Twilight!

Paintings required

Paintings required

Dear LTT-ers,

You know that feeling, waking up the day after a particuarly crazy drunk fest and not quite rememebering how it all ended. Then you check your celly and realize you drunk dialed every ex you had in the last 5 years and left 10 minute messages about god knows what, then texted your Dad (accidently) about how eff-able that guy you just met is and then you realize you’re not wearing any pants and you’re on your porch. Trust we’ve all been there. And if you haven’t, well… what are you waiting for?

I think that may have happened to one of our dear readers because yesterday I checked our LTT email and read this gem which was clearly written after one too many gin and tonics at the Cat & Fiddle…

Heyheyy,, how much do you think they would charqqe to appear at a party?
 
Andd,, whenn aree KStew,, RPatzz,, andd TLaut makinqq ann aperance,, inn southh florida??

Drunk in South Florida (this is what I would imagine he/she would sign this if they hadn’t passed out before hitting send)

This could be YOU!

This could be YOU!

Well dear heart either your keyboard is sticky from all those gin and tonics or you are the victim of drunk emailing gone wrong. But I like where your head’s at so let’s explore this one shall we… How much do I think they would charge for an appearence? Well probably depends on which star you’re wanting to get at your party. Let me break down what I think each one would “cost”

Kellan – he seems like a Twi-whore going to all these Twiconventions so I’m gonna guess, a coach ticket to your nearest airport, a corner room at the nearest Holiday Inn, 100 bucks “mad money,” and his choice of Twihards to be available after his check in at the hotel. What they do after depends on their contracts. If you want Kellan to return I suggest one dress up like a naughty Sunday School teacher. At least that’s what I hear he likes.

Jackson – a spare corner in the venue for 100 Monkeys to set up. Cause obviously his contract includes a clause that they will play at the closest dive bar or AT your event. He also requested that you hand wash the bananager’s costume, cause trust after a 3 month tour of the east coast’s finest shit holes that thing smells like death.

Ashley – 30k. She ain’t stupid and she’s got an open line of credit at Barneys. Duh.

Nikki – Who?

Peter – A supply of ugly shirts by Affliction set up near his autograph table, a video camera so he can record his friend that no one care about, dancing in a bikini and room enough in the parking lot to park the RV. Oh and when you introduce him you must preface it with: “Mike Dexter is a GOD!”

Gil Birmingham – Bus fare to the event, Greyhound if they travel to your town. And the finest assortment of 40year old+ moms who are just there to “chaperone” their daughters at the event. Right, ladies, RIGHT.

Taylor – I spoke with Big Daddy Lautner and this is what he said it would take to get Taylor at your party: 100 dollar gift card to McDonalds, one of those Dominoes Pizza Bread Bowls in the hotel toom upon check in and a supply of new Polo button up shirts, size XXXL. Hey, don’t ask me that’s what Big Daddy said Taylor needs!

Kristen– You’re joking right? She’d give you the ‘bitch please’ stare through the phone and then hang up on your ass for being so stupid. But maybe if you send her some “herbal treats” before you call it might help the pitch.

Rob– His only request is that Moon be present, ready, willing and able to help him with his every need. Oh and maybe a baseball cap from your local tourist shop. Anything with a lobster, flower or whatever represents South Florida. He loves those free hats.

As for your other question, When will Rob, KStew and Taylor make an appearence in South Florida? My guess is the 10th of never… or maybe after you do the above.

Good luck Drunk in South Florida!!

hangover6Moving on… A while ago we featured one of my favorite sites Texts from Last Night on a Monday Funnies post. Texts from Last Night which is a site where people submit funny/inapporpriate texts they’ve receieved usually sent when people were of questionable sobriety. Well they’re at it again because recently JodieO alerted us to a new Twilight related Text that was posted.

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/view/47253

So JodieO has this to say…

“Have you guys heard of the website www.textsfromlastnight.com ?  If not, it’s just a site where you send in strange or funny texts.  I consider myself fairly worldly, but the more I read it, the more impressed I am at how drunk and slutty some people can be.  Anyway, There was one about Rob that caught my eye: http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/view/47253
 
(706): i just met rob pattinson in italy. he’s so stupid, i feel like i would have to say “your penis goes here!”
 
While I would be surprised to learn that he really is stupid, it still wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me.
 
Drawing a map, just in case!
 
JodieO

Amen JodieO AMEN! I’m getting mine printed up and lamenated for when Rob comes back to me in LA. You can never be too prepared!

FYI we LOVE getting these emails! Please keep them coming oh and add our email to your phone for the next time just such on occasion arises. And by occasion I mean every day after 6! Email us letterstotwilight at gmail dot com!

Happy Monday!
Themoonisdown

Hop on over to Letters to Rob!
Drunk post in the forum! We don’t mind!

Wanna Tapa Vampa

Dear members of Wanna Tapa Vampa,

We have a name! Our fake-sorority where we will do things like be fake-lesbians and start fake-fights with other Twilight Sororities is called Wanna Tapa Vampa. This name won 30% of the vote with The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pattinson Pants coming in at a close 2nd.  Thank you to JENA for this amazing name suggestion.

As our first order of business with our fake soririty, we have our PORN-OFF. Yes, quite similar to a bake-off, we have collected 5 of the best Twi-Porn entries from both The Twilight Sisterhood & Wanna Tapa Vampa.  In no particular order & in no way giving away WHICH sorority entered what, here are the 10 entries! Vote for your favorite at the end:

hangover6

Rob: Hangover

Rob: Breakfast

Rob: Breakfast

See the rest and vote after the jump! Continue reading

Speculation Thursday – Moon makes the case for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart: NOT together!

We're actors

We're actors

Dear Kristen and Rob-

Last week my pal UC put on a brave face, sucked up her pride and posted the Speculation Thursday (though it was on Wednesday) post that she thought you may be together. As much as it pained both of us to see that in writing, we had to present the Pro Robsten side of the argument. But never fear, I am here with this week’s Speculation Thursday (on Thursday!) where I’m going to present the Non Robsten side! Cause I look at you two and I’m like, they CANNOT be together, the stoner and the nerd? No way.

If you’ll indulge me I’d like to treat this as a trial, and court is now in session*! The honorable Stephenie Meyer proceeding. Today we will be hearing the case of:

Robsten vs NonRobsten, in the court of public opinion

Opening statement:
Much has been said and speculated about you two over the last few weeks and now having some time to gather evidence and look at the facts I think we can be certain about a few things: Kristen and Oregano are not together and Kristen and Rob are in fact, NOT together. Snogged and hooked up? Sure! But together? No! I ask that the jury keep an open mind as we speculate our way through another Thursday.

Enter into the court room the Evidence…

Were doing each other behind this door!

We're doing each other behind this door!

01. The Charlie Hotel / The Morning After – UC cited this story and these pictures as her main turning point. But I have a different take on this much bally-hooed “secret goodbye photos” and “secret rendezvous hotel bungalows” nonsense… I did some research too on The Charlie and there are multiple bungalows in which bungalows also have multiple rooms! Amazing how this works, huh? It’s not uncommon for stars to get ready for awards shows in hotel rooms, Summit’s footing the bill, why not? And you’ve got the room paid for for the night, might as well come back and party after the show, right? I know where you’re going to go with this: “but Moon they were in the SAME bungalow! Ron, the underpaid dude at the front desk, told the shady paparazzo from X17 who palmed him a 50 it was true.” Riiiight. And, if I even believe that they were in the same bungalow, my research tells me that again, SURPRISE, there are bungalows with more than one room in them. I’ve stayed in rooms with guy friends, it’s totally possible. And who knows maybe she was wasted drunk from the dinner beforehand when they decided to go back and party? Maybe they smoked a bol and she passed out on that cute striped chair from the pictures of The Charlie. And then the next day her Mom came to pick up her hung over self and hug Rob for being such a good guy and looking out for poor little Kristen. And no kiss was ever photographed.

Follow the cut to hear the rest of the case!!! (Seriously do it!)
Continue reading

Just as awkward as you thought it would be – Kristen Stewart and New Moon madness at the MTV Movie Awards

OMG you guys I made it up the steps without tripping!! I won't do anything else embarrasing! At ALL!

OMG you guys I made it up the stairs without tripping!! I won't do anything else embarrassing! At ALL! (for the next 2.4 seconds)

Dear Kristen (my new favorite letters recipient, apparently)-

I’m going on hour 6 of live blogging the MTV Movie awards, I’ve fainted over your fake out kiss with Rob, I’ve eaten too many Sprinkles cupcakes, I kept repeating to myself “he is 17” while looking over my shoulder for Chris Hanson, I’m bleary eyed and tired, but most of all, I’m more excited than I’ve ever been about the New Moon movie (if that’s even possible) and I wanted to say I think I may even start to like you after seeing your total fumble after winning the ‘Best Female Performance’ award…

This is exactly the type of moment you used to read about in that section in Seventeen called “My Most Embarrassing Moments,” and you’d cringe right along with them as they had toilet paper stuck to their shoe or they ran into a locker door as Jimmy, the cute quarterback walked by… but yours is beyond 2nd hand embarrassing and captured for all eternity courtesy of Youtube. I seriously can’t think of a better way you could have handled it and all the while coming off the most real or human you EVER have! Best quote of yours EVER:

“I was just about as awkward as you thought I was going to be, BYE!”

Seriously? So much win right there.

I must be in a sugar coma from the cupcakes cause I’m saying nice things to you… ok though THE HAIR?! Seriously, a headband, a clip, whatever just NEVER wear it down again or I’ll go nuts. Whew, I feel better now.

XOXO your new fake lesbian lover
Themoonisdown

PS HUGE thanks and thumbs up to NewMoonMovie.org for hosting the most rad live blogging event ever, check out all the goodies he already has live, also don’t forget our other live bloggers in crime Confessions of a TwiCrack Addict and Lauren’s Bite! And an even bigger thanks to you all for showing up and squeeeeing with us as we watched the trailer premier and Rob in his maitre d jacket.

Don’t miss the LTR MTV Movie Awards Post!

Take the jump to see more pics and video from the MTV movie awards last night!
Continue reading

Bad case of lovin’ Dr. Cullen

We haven’t posted a fan letter in awhile on LTT and have never posted a letter to Carlisle. It’s high time the Doctor gets some lovin’ too!

damages_facinelliDear Dr. Cullen-

Alright. This isn’t easy for me…. but I think it needs to be said.

I love you.

I was in denial for a long time. I thought Edward was the only vampire for me. You were a father figure to me while I read the books, and I loved you, but in a completely non-sexual kind of way. You were kind of Dumbledore-esque— a wise, mysterious older man that has all the answers and an incredible gift for what he does.

But then… somewhere in the wee morning hours of November 21st 2008, you pushed your way through that emergency room door and into my pants heart. It hit me like a ton of bricks…. Being in my early 20’s myself, I thought—realistically—who would I rather have: a 17 year old virginal vampire, or a 23 year old vampire doctor with 300+ years of *ahem* “life” experience, known for his unparalleled compassion and being extreme skillful with his hands?

dr-cullenSo Carlisle, I just can’t help myself. I want to have bed breaking, house crushing, mind-blowingly awesome vampire sex with you!! (Even if it means a half human half vampire baby will break my spine and eat its way out of my body…).

I mean, what’s one night of lust with a Twilight fan when you’ve got eternity?! Seriously?!?! I’ll have a chat with Esme if you want me to. I’m sure she won’t mind. Hell, Esme could come too! As long as she promised never to wear that stupid hat from the baseball scene again (Let’s not lie, it made her head look a good 6 inches taller than any normally proportioned head should be… not to mention it brought attention to her *ahem* “extraordinarily realistic wig”).

Furthermore, based on the amount videos montages of you I’ve seen set to Sexyback and Doctor Doctor, I know that I’m not the only one with these feelings. If you won’t indulge me with one night of pleasure… then I will ask you this:

Since you’ve lived through the entire history of modern medicine… do us all a favor, and spend the next 100 years as a gynecologist.

Carlisle Cullen, OBGYN. I think it has a nice ring to it.

Call me!

-Schön Duck

Unicorns in their natural habitat

Dear Kellan & Peter,

We know what was going on here. We got your secret signal:

kellanandpeternewmoon

Peter: Hey Kellan, come here.
Kellan: Yeah, Peter?
Peter: Check this out…(whispers) Ok, see that camera over there?
Kellan: Nice! Whip out the book! The LTT girls are going to go nuts!
Peter: Yeah, they’re always talking about the airport being the natural habitat of the Unicorn. Let’s show them the best Unicorns out there!

We saw you! We loved it. This is a fun game. Okay instructions for our next secret signal: Peter, you go to Starbucks, order a double shot venti vanilla soy latte and hold it in your left hand and look at the paps over your right shoulder. No need to wink- we’ll know the signals is for us. And Kellan, your signal can be taking a prom-style photo with a fan! We’ll know you guys are thinking of us when you do those two things.

XOXO,
UnintendedChoice & theMoonisDown

Thanks to our #1 original fan (aka our “Fanbase”) Christapie for the words & idea!

Peter Facinelli: Dr Cullen and Mike Dexter all rolled into one

Oh he likes long walks on the beach... pepperoni pizza and the color blue. SO DO I!!!

OMG Rob likes long walks on the beach... pepperoni pizza and the color blue. SO DO I!!!

Dear Peter-

Why are you the coolest person ever? Fo realz… EVER!

This is probably one of my favoritest pictures I’ve ever seen of you because this shows that you totally get it! If I was an actor in the Twilight saga I would be doing this stuff all day long. Carrying around a Bop magazine, making shirts that say “I boned Rob last night,” and going to get coffee while wearing said shirt. You know, normal stuff!

So, I know we haven’t talked much about you yet here on Letters to Twilight but I just couldn’t figure out exactly what I wanted to say about the MIKE DEXTER! I mean “…Mike Dexter is a God, Mike Dexter is a role model, Mike Dexter is an asshole!” Seriously, that’s the exact thing that went through my head when you came on screen for the first time in Twilight because “Can’t Hardly Wait” is one of my favorite movies. So much win and you’re a huge part of that. You can play the jerk- a-hole- jock like no other! But then you totally flip the switch and play Dr. Cullen like you were born for the part. Minus the blond hair. I truly can’t imagine anyone else as Carlisle.

But seriously please keep this stuff up you’re making all this set stalking/crazy fan/paparazzi madness bearable by staging pictures like this! I thought about not looking at paparazzi or set pics for a while cause I was SO over seeing Nikki Reed parading around Vancouver or weirdo fans stalking KStew in the bathroom but then look what I’d be missing out on, gems like this!

Keep on keepin’ on Peter! We ❤ you here!
Themoonisdown

See more Mike Dexter/Peter Facinelli AWESOMENESS after the cut Continue reading

I demand equality

Dear Summit/Twilight or Whomever controls the media monster,

I want to know why pictures like this of all the other cast members are coming out:

camliscious1drcullen1kegger2

and only pictures like this are coming out of Rob:

Robert Pattinson vintage-pattz

WTF??? Did Kristen Stewart put you all up to this?

I demand equality. I need some shirtless/pantless pictures of Robert Pattinson (post puberty please) ASAP!

Love me, vickyb

Unicorns and Peter Facinelli

Dear Twilight,

I may have had a break with reality or two yesterday:

I was thirsty, tired from too much Guitar Hero the night before (I rock Linkin Park, BTW–99%!), my flight was delayed making me worry about making my connection, and our plane was taken out of service meaning we had to run to our new gate. That being said, I thought I saw Robert Pattinson at O’Hare, from a distance, until I reminded myself that my friends at Letters to Rob had informed me that Rob was in London for his holidays. Then when I boarded my plane a man who looked remarkably like Peter Facinelli was sitting in First Class. No lie.

That’s when I saw a unicorn! And by that I mean a mythical beast: a grown man reading New Moon in public.

Losing it,
Christapie

P.S. Christapie is our first friend at LTT (letters to twilight)- she found us on day 1! And she really did see a grown man reading New Moon in public! Read the whole hilarious story here!