The Twilosophy of Twilight celebrities

Dear Twilight cast member lovers,

I did a lot of thinking while I was on vacation last week. I tried not to, but as I laid on the beach, relaxing to the tunes on my iPod, feeling the salty breeze flow over my body, my mind drifted. And I know you know what that means. Yes. I thought about you all. And of Twilight. On vacation. I thought specifically about the lives of these stars that Moon & I write about each and every day. And I started pondering WHY we’re so enamored with them.

A few weeks ago, Moon & I were talking about how it seems like Taylor has no friends. Sure he has Big Daddy, and WE know he’s all the friend anyone could ever need, but Taylor’s an 18 year old guy. He shouldn’t yet be in the mindset of “I have a really cool dad who always knows how to get the best table at a national food chain.” He should be watching porn with his bros & getting crap from them for letting Taylor Swift drive HIM around Hillsboro village in Nashville last week (Oh, did I forget to mention my friend’s boss saw them drive by? Oops- it’s true.) And I’m not so sure Dakota has too many friends. Sure maybe there’s that girl who lent her a pencil once in Spanish class, but most 16 year olds are constantly surrounded by an entourage of gal pals (then again, most 16 year olds haven’t made more than I’ll ever make by the time they were 5…). And while she’s the originator of the fake lesbian– the girl bff- Kristen Stewart has never really been seen publicly with anyone other than costars or lovers. What do Taylor, Dakota & Kristen have in common? Twilight err Oprah err all think Rob is hot err NO! Child Stars. So I got thinking about how many people want to be friends with celebrities. I hear people talk all the time about being BFFs with Kristen and how they’d love to be her friend.. people say that all the time about all sorts of celebs- Hell, I even say it.. but why?

Do your friends do THIS with you!?

If you know me at all in real life, you’ve probably heard about the friends I love dearly. Pardon me while I brag, but I have incredible friends. My friends run their own companies. They make me laugh- like could be on a comedy tour kind of laugh. They are artists, musicians and creators. They are extremely educated and smart, and yet half the time instead of talking to them I choose to blog about celebrities? Why? Sure Kristen uses big words from time to time and has an allure about her that might be mysterious and interesting to some, but I don’t think she’s ANY more interesting than any of the incredible people in my life. And Ashley has a smokin’ bod & a bitchface to rival Kstew’s, but give any of my friends a trainer, stylist & hair extensions and they’d be competing for the same modeling gigs she is.

What are we so interested in about celebrities? Their stories from being famous? That they are world-traveled? That they have money? That they “know” people? But who cares about the people they “know?” I just explained above the people I know. Give my friend Scott the level of celebrity that Rob has and he’d be much more alluring and better spoken- guaranteed. My husband is just as talented as any famous musician out there- I’d say that even if I didn’t sleep with him- and I can go on and on naming my friends & their talents. The only difference between with them and celebrities is that celebrities got a break. They were a few of the lucky, talented (or beautiful and untalented or just really lucky) who got through- very few do.

Come see my many talents

And it’s one thing to obsess over celebrities in general, but then we’re talking the TWILIGHT cast!? Some will argue for Kristen or Rob’s talent. Most will agree that Dakota is pretty legit, but no one seriously thinks Taylor is gonna win any sort of award except for “Kept me in business for the most time in years 2008-2009” from Chris Hansen. Yet we talk about him over and over and over again. WHAT is it!? WHY is it!?

I know all these things, yet I still DESIRE to talk about celebs because their lives seem so much more interesting. But are they? Kristen may get to travel the world but at what cost- do those things matter if there’s no one really close to share it with? Did Rob ENJOY Budapest while being there? He might as well have been in Jersey, shooting in some old warehouse in Camden. And while going out to the Olive Garden with dad is cool the first couple of times, eventually….. that’s just a little sad….

I kind of feel bad for the Twi celebs- especially those who were sort of brought up in the world of the rich & famous- it’s one thing to not be able to go grab a burger in LA without getting photographed, but to have few close relationships? That makes me kinda sad….. Until I remember how much richer than are than me…. Never mind…

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What do you think? Do you ever wonder why we’re so obsessed with celebrity culture? And specifically the celebs of Twilight? Do you agree that Tay, Dakota & Kristen seem to be semi-friendless? Wanna write them REAL letters & see if they wanna be pen pals?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter

Over it! Goodbye Runaways and Remember Me, give me back my Twilight!

GET THE LOOK! And then get a life

Dear Remember Me & The Runaways-

If I see another commercial, video clip, interview, late night talk show, picture, WHATEVER about you it will be too soon. I think we have officially reached the over saturation point. You’re EVERYWHERE I turn. On the TV, on huge billboards, on Twitter, and on every TWILIGHT site. I’m SOOO over it. I don’t care how to get Kristen’s eye makeup look from the movie (sleep in day old eyeliner and smudge), I don’t care that Pierce Brosnon decided to use a “Brooklyn Accent” (he shoulda forgotaboutit, cause it’s awful), I don’t care who they wore to the premieres (Pucci, Doo.Ri, Elie Saab, Valentino, Derelique) and I DEFINITELY do not care that Dakota and KStew made out and it was “hot” (it wasn’t).

In the total media onslaught for these two films we seem to have lost track of two very important things: New Moon and Eclipse! WTF are those, right? I totally forgot about the New Moon DVD coming out and what happened to Eclipse?! I was too busy watching Rob and Emilie kissing on E! News to remember such trivial things like having FACEPUNCH available in the comfort of my home! It’s the day before New Moon comes out on DVD and we don’t even know know which stores the cast will be making appearances at. Who wants to talk about “Cherry Bomb” when I can see Chris Weitz in the flesh?! That’s a NO BRAINER.

I think I'm supposed to care that this guy took a pic w/ Rob. All I care about is Dick in a bow tie

I can’t even go to a Twilight site to see whats new in the TWILIGHT FANDOM without having to sift through post after post of red carpet interviews with Cherrie Currie talking about Dakota or Rob talking about the nuances of a love scene with Emilie. I don’t care anymore, that was last week give me my TWILIGHT BACK!! Give me Twilight/New Moon/Eclipse or give me death!

Oh and ANOTHER THING…

Seriously Twitter users, it’s just overkill now. We know and agree wholeheartedly that Kristen and Dakota looked hot at the premieres but your 24/7 virtual lady boners for these girls are weirding us the ef out. One more day of this stuff and I’m going to hang a “gone fishing” sign on the virtual door of our Twitter and come back once the fake lesbian (or maybe not) Viagra has worn off. Damn.

WAIT, Eclipse is coming out?! There are jorts and Edward!!

So remember last fall when we finally had to call a moratorium on the word “jizz?” Yup, I think we’re there again only this time it’s on the Runaways and Remember Me. Please go away and give me my Twilight back.

Hiding in a fallout shelter till the viagra wears off or until something worthwhile comes out,
Themoonisdown

/rant

PS If you will be in LA at some undisclosed location with Chris Weitz and Nikki Reed and hopefully me (moon) and some other gals please come say hi and hand me a chill pill, or a hug. Thanks!

Are you over it? Can’t get enough Runaways make up tips? Watched EVERY video of Rob on the RM red carpet? Want to hurt someone for some Eclipse information? What the crap is happening with Breaking Dawn? Do I need anger management class?

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Kristen and Dakota on Leno? This is war!

Someone is NOT with Coco!

Dear Dakota and Kristen,

I heard the news that you will be on Jay Leno’s Tonight Show to promote your movie, The Runaways. And I gotta say I’m a bit hurt. I mean JAY LENO?! This is a traitorous move to the legions of Team Coco fans around the world who love the red-coiffed one and feel he was unjustly forced to leave the Tonight Show by the evil doers at NBC because of what a crap fest the Jay Leno Show was.

Don’t be surprised when Jay whips out some zingers like “This movie has BITE,” or “Watch out Dakota and Kristen will RUN AWAY with your hearts on this one folks,” or I’m hoping against hope he makes your girls participate in “Jay Walking All Stars.” That will teach you girls to turn your back on Conando.

Traitors

How can you do it girls?! And especially you Kristen! You touched Conan’s HAIR when you were on his show promoting New Moon! You’ve touch God, essentially and then to sully yourself by going over to sit on Leno’s couch is unthinkable. Such treason is not looked upon lightly by the Team Coco nation. “We’re with Coco” after all and if you’re not with us, you’re against us.
I’m off to wonder why Conan didn’t chose to follow me on his hilarious Twitter. Such is life.
Themoonisdown

PS Now let’s get to what we’re here for… screaming over the TEN SECOND (wtf?) TEASER TRAILER (another WTF?!) for Eclipse which I’m sure we’ll post here once it goes up.

How much of a Conan O’Brien nerd am I? Also please don’t make me link to the “How to tell if this is sarcasm” link. Seriously!

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

UPDATE: THIS bad boy was just sent to us…

Dakota Fanning at Sundance – A Thank You

Fan-dance!

Dear Dakota-

I think this is our first letter to just you! After this weekend’s Sundance overload I felt it was time to throw some of the spotlight on YOU and add you to the hallowed halls of letter recipients. It seems as though Twitter exploded with KStew information and pictures from Sundance even going as far as to proclaim it “Stewdance” which is probably blasphemous since if it needed to be renamed anything this weekend if should have been “Howldance” but what I couldn’t help noticing between all the clutter and tweets and pictures and koolaid drinking was you. You held a quiet confidence in pictures and looked like a young actress with tons of experience but was not willing to dismiss her age in lieu of appearing more mature, skanky or above it all like some of the actors and actresses who showed up. That’s pretty high-five worthy in my book.

I’d also like to thank you for going to Park City and keeping it real. You showed that you can be a teenager, comb your hair, put on a nice jacket, some ripped jeans and Doc Martens and still look presentable like you’re trying to sell a movie you’re proud of. Good on you!

Now THIS is the way to do rocker chic in the snow! Loving the Docs, I think I may have to dig my pair out

Thanks for giving us a kick-ass Ziggy Stardust shirt instead of a free shot of your nipple or midriff

Can you tell I’m over the Sundance madness already?
Themoonisdown

What do you think of the hoopla surrounding Sundance? Love it? Hate it? Anyone got love for the Fanning? Anyone know where I can get that Panther shirt?

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

The Twilight cast takes on awards season!

Here to provide advice to the Twilight cast members about the upcoming awards season, CalliopeBlabs

Dear Twilight Saga Cast Members,

There’s always something sad about the end of the holidays. There’s this period of mourning when the holiday decorations start to come down, the leftovers make their way into the trashcan, and you discover that last piece of glitter hiding in that unmentionable place and hope its from when you dropped the container while making ornaments for charity and not from that midnight encounter in the back of the crowded bar while you were engaged in… questionable shenanigans during the ball dropping. Yes, the end of the holidays is harsh. Sad. Depressing. I can only imagine how much this is affecting all of you… as I envision the holidays (and the time off) were especially dear to you this year. Especially you Stew, I know how you love Christmas so (#HolidayStewLivesOn).

But you see, the gods of Hollywood knew that the end of the Holiday season could prove detrimental to the well being of the faces of their industry. This is why, they invented… drum roll please… AWARDS SEASON. What better way to get the fabulous hunks of Hollywood to hop into a tanning booth to shed themselves of the pallid tone they’d acquired while secluded in the mountain ski resorts across the world. How else to insure that the starlets would do everything in their power to shed the ghastly 1 pound they put on while actually EATING over the holidays? Why… COMPETITION of course! NUMEROUS, LIVE, OVERLY DOCUMENTED, COMPETITIONS!!! And the competition isn’t even what makes awards season fabulous… no, no… it’s the horrible fashion faux pas, The embarrassing speeches, The scandalous dates, The hopeful catfights, The after party gossip,… all these things whose mere mention make me more excited than a teen wolf who imprints on someone his own age!

Now, though New Moon may not have been the most critically acclaimed movie this past year, it sure as hell did put a good dent in the Box office numbers for 2009… and that alone should allow you, dear TSCMs (aka Twilight Saga cast members… I’m in the mood for acronyms today), some good leeway in earning your way into the swag-bag pre-parties, The sizzling, boozefest afterparties, and, of course, the events themselves. Between the PCAs, CCAs, GGs, SAGs, BAFTAs, Grammys and of course the Oscars… there are a lot of Hollywood bigwig asses to be kissed there is a lot to know! I won’t bore you with my winner predictions or tease you with who I think will be best dressed on this year’s carpets (hint: it’s not you Ashley Greene) instead, I’d like to present you with a guide of sorts to all things awards… so that you understand where to go, what to wear , and who to bang who to approach to further your career.

Kristen voted "Bobby Long" 1,200 times

The PCAs (The People’s Choice Awards)

Aka the ones where you only the winners have to show up

These awards, dear TSCMs, are voted on by the people… you know… people like me. Or you. That’s right. I’m calling you out ROB and KRISTEN. I know what you’re thinking readers… “Rob and Kristen didn’t win”… and nope… they sure didn’t. And you know why? Because since they’d wrapped promotion on New Moon, those two had been sitting around, feeding each other In-N-Out, sipping Heinekens, and voting for other people. And you thought the only thing they knew how to do sneakily was each other… HAH! Know why the whole BritPack was on Isle of Wright for New Years? It wasn’t because they wanted company… no, no… it was because Rob and Kristen, in a last ditch effort, had practically set up a command central where everyone focused on voting for other people in their categories. This is how serious they were about NOT showing up to another awards show. I fear for MTVMAs… I do.

The CCAs (The Critic’s Choice Awards)

Aka the ones you most definitely should stay clear of

Dakota- showing the newbies how it's done

For some reason or another, the Critics HATE you guys. Well… most of you. Stewie, Sheen and Fanning… you guys would sorta be in the clear to go to this… as long as you do not mention the Saga AT ALL. Like, when a reporter asks if you are excited about Eclipse you simply look at them, dumbfounded, and say “you must have me mistaken with someone else… I’m Listen Hewart” and then run off. Like RUN. And Rob, for the love of the hot pocket, you are NOT to go near this event. In fact, I think you’d be well advised to bunker down in the UK for a good 2 days pre and post event just to be safe. They would spot you coming and literally EAT YOU ALIVE. Furthermore, it’s on VH1… if that doesn’t scream waste of your time… I don’t know what does.

Calliope REALLY educates the cast after the jump!

Time for a Newsdump: Everything NOT Twilight related aka Kellan shows us his Calvins!

Yo, it's about that time to bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme. I'm gonna get mine so get yours, I wanna see sweat comin' out ya pores!

Dear LTT-ers

I was just lamenting (yes it was quite sorrowful) on Twitter that there was simply NO news about Twilight out right now and that makes things awfully boring… but then I started researching and there’s TONS of non-Twilight specific news that our favorite friends are in… so let’s get to it!

• In the best news in the history of the world category: Kellan Lutz will be the new Marky Mark for Calvin Klein. Can’t wait to see if “nothing gets between him and his Calvins” besides his mini New Testament Bible. Fingers crossed for a Kellan cover of “Good Vibrations“

• The trailer for “The Runaways” comes out and I can’t help but think two things-  ONE: they look like little girls playing dress up and TWO: I hope Dakota gets to punch someone

Che-Che-Che-Cherry BOMB!!!

Wait, this isn't the Maxim cover shoot!

• This is the prom dress you see on the rack at Goodwill and think, dude that would be perfect for my prom scene in “Can’t Buy Me Love” Halloween Costume (just right for doing the African Anteater dance in!)

• The theme of Rob and Emilie de Ravin’s Remember Me photoshoot for Vogue is “a date at LACMA (Los Angeles County Museum of Art)” why do I picture Rob showing Emilie his favorite works of art: The Kramer or Dogs Playing Poker?

Follow the cut for more news, less catfish, more abage for the cabbage and one special tatt00

Your really important Twilight news

Dear LTTers,

It has come to our attention that many of you come to us for your Twilight news. I understand. We are a valuable news source for up-to-date twilight news & offer a breath of first-hand knowledge (just see letters: The music Stephenie Meyer REALLY listened to while writing Twilight and Jackson got hurt, did he try the leg hitch?

No seriously? Some of you come to US for news? Guys… I have to confess… we leave a lot out.  In order to bring you a brilliant letter each day, we just have to leave it at that- ONE brilliant letter.  So we miss a lot of really important stuff. In fact, sometimes we’re so focused on breaking down insignificant details of unimportant photo shoots, and naming background characters who tag along with the famous people that we ourselves don’t even know what’s going on in the Twi-world. I feel like that this week. Or the past few weeks. So today I’m going to do a run-down of the latest Twi news. Don’t want you missing anything really important!

• Summit promises to “treat” us with “title treatment” (wtf?) when @twilight receives 200,000 followers on twitter. However, since everyone knows that no one who starts a twitter a month before their SECOND movie releases is to be considered a valuable source for news, they can’t get to 200,000 followers. And someone gets mad. So they release the Eclipse logo. And underwhelm us all. BONUS TIDBIT OF NEWS: Today they just got their 132,763rd follower. They promise to give us something special again IF they reach 200,000. We’re guessing it’s David Slade’s actual height.

• Harper’s Bazaar tweet-hints that they will soon announce who is on their cover for December. They forget who we are. And that we’re not stupid. And as a result they are punished. And the photo shoot leaks. And we laugh. After we stop crying that we’re not Kristen in this photo-shoot and make a mental note to start saving our Hefty trash bags for a little fashion statement of our own.

• Toys R’ Us, yes you heard me right, opened a “New Moon Boutique” further solidifying the fact that we can’t believe we’re involved with this fandom. What do I have in common with 7 year olds who know who Geoffrey the Giraffe is? Besides the fact that I also know who Geoffrey the Giraffe is? My only question is if they’re going to be carrying any Twilight-related “toys” ifyouknowwhati’msayin’

• Speaking of “toys” and in not-really-Twilight-related-news, but still-Twilight-related, this particular (not work-friendly) toy has been out for awhile now. We’ve been waiting to talk about it until we could review it. I got it about 3 weeks ago, tried it out and sent it to Moon who also tried it out. We just got one, ya know, to save money. We’re going to each keep it for a week and then pass it on. It’ll kinda be like the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants except it’s The Sisterhood of the Traveling Sparkling Dildo.* The real news is, though, the reviews of the product. Here are our favs:
  

  OMG! I attatch mine to a wheel chair and pretend Billy Black is effing from behind, then I get another one and attatch a moustache to it and pretend it’s Charlie Swan..he loves it!

  This is highly logical. I ordered four, let’s hope they all fit under my snuggie.

Speculation Thursday – Moon makes the case for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart: NOT together!

We're actors

Dear Kristen and Rob-

Last week my pal UC put on a brave face, sucked up her pride and posted the Speculation Thursday (though it was on Wednesday) post that she thought you may be together. As much as it pained both of us to see that in writing, we had to present the Pro Robsten side of the argument. But never fear, I am here with this week’s Speculation Thursday (on Thursday!) where I’m going to present the Non Robsten side! Cause I look at you two and I’m like, they CANNOT be together, the stoner and the nerd? No way.

If you’ll indulge me I’d like to treat this as a trial, and court is now in session*! The honorable Stephenie Meyer proceeding. Today we will be hearing the case of:

Robsten vs NonRobsten, in the court of public opinion

Opening statement:
Much has been said and speculated about you two over the last few weeks and now having some time to gather evidence and look at the facts I think we can be certain about a few things: Kristen and Oregano are not together and Kristen and Rob are in fact, NOT together. Snogged and hooked up? Sure! But together? No! I ask that the jury keep an open mind as we speculate our way through another Thursday.

Enter into the court room the Evidence…

We're doing each other behind this door!

01. The Charlie Hotel / The Morning After – UC cited this story and these pictures as her main turning point. But I have a different take on this much bally-hooed “secret goodbye photos” and “secret rendezvous hotel bungalows” nonsense… I did some research too on The Charlie and there are multiple bungalows in which bungalows also have multiple rooms! Amazing how this works, huh? It’s not uncommon for stars to get ready for awards shows in hotel rooms, Summit’s footing the bill, why not? And you’ve got the room paid for for the night, might as well come back and party after the show, right? I know where you’re going to go with this: “but Moon they were in the SAME bungalow! Ron, the underpaid dude at the front desk, told the shady paparazzo from X17 who palmed him a 50 it was true.” Riiiight. And, if I even believe that they were in the same bungalow, my research tells me that again, SURPRISE, there are bungalows with more than one room in them. I’ve stayed in rooms with guy friends, it’s totally possible. And who knows maybe she was wasted drunk from the dinner beforehand when they decided to go back and party? Maybe they smoked a bol and she passed out on that cute striped chair from the pictures of The Charlie. And then the next day her Mom came to pick up her hung over self and hug Rob for being such a good guy and looking out for poor little Kristen. And no kiss was ever photographed.

Follow the cut to hear the rest of the case!!! (Seriously do it!)

Ashley Greene, Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning praying in the name of Rob in Italy

Dear Ashley, Kristen and Dakota-

I see that Kellan finally wore you down and you had a meeting of the girls accountability group of New Moon and decided to induct Dakota Fanning into the fold… how sweet of you gals!

Say 'Facebook!' No say 'Rob DO ME!'

First, Ashley decided to document the occasion because of course my BFF is like me and will inevitably scrapbook the moment for posterity to remember the day Dakota joined the league of girls “Praying and Fasting for a better New Moon.” The movement originally started by our dear Lula and continues till November 20 when we will find out if our prayers have been answered. Obviously you girls know how important this is so you started off the meeting with a round of prayer…

Kristen Stewart was just at a Women of the Word conference (obviously) and decided to begin after feeling the leading of the Holy Spirit and it went a little something like this…

KStew: Dear God we come to you today in front of the paparazzi and the crazy psycho set stalkers to say we are so thankful to be sweating our boobs off  filming here in Italy and want to welcome our newest sister in the Lord the Meyer, Dakota Fanning. Let her light shine to all she comes in contact with, though not Rob because he should only be seeing MY light, but anyway we ask for a hedge of protection around Dakota from all the whacky Pattinson pants girls and scary Twimoms, keep her safe and away from their Chico’s daywear grasp…

Dakota: Dear God, thank you for these special girls and may we all become closer than fake lesbians now that NReed is out of the picture… oh and an extra special blessing for my agent and manager for making a teen girls dream come true by taking me away from Oscar potential scripts and getting me this two-bit part and bringing me this much closer to Robert Pattin-

*interrupting* KStew: Uh that’s enough Dakota, don’t want to wear you out the first time, ASHLEY your turn, NOW!

Ashley: Huh? uh.. OH! I’m up… Dear God, after this whole accountability thingy is over please please please let us find an open Sephora store here in Montepulciano because all of us are out of concealer! Seriously, look at us, we’re out in public praying on a rooftop looking haggard, we NEED some MAC ‘studio stick’ coverage stat. Oh and please impress upon Jackson’s heart that he should ‘kiss groupies goodbye’ and shack up with me instead. Uh and thanks for Dakota, her presence helps give this little dog and pony show we call New Moon some much needed credibility.

And we all said AAAAAAMEN!

Then the always classy Kristen gave the watching paparazzi a little one finger blessing…

Jesus loves you too!!

Spoken like a true prophetess! Don’t miss KStew on BET’s Sunday Best and next year on tour with Juanita Bynum bringing the word like only SHE can!

Your sister in the Meyer,
Themoonisdown

PS Don’t forget to check out our daily letters to Rob and see UC get him drunk!
Oh and chat about it all over at the forum!