Eclipse – The Choice is pretty simple… maybe

Vanilla or Chocolate, PC vs Mac - It all begins with a choice!

Dear Eclipse Poster Designer and Marketers,

I have to commend on the new Eclipse poster… the darker colors, the NSYNC circa ’01 denim jacket (read this if you love NSYNC), Edward’s creepy dead-eye stare, Bella’s cocked eyebrow (kiss me!), and then I looked down and saw your tag line:

“It All Begins… With a Choice”

And I thought WTF? A choice? She will never choose Jacob, we know that, otherwise Bella would have told Edward to go ef himself when he came back to Forks and would have made out with Jacob in that little garage, instead of drinking warm soda while she fixated on his rippling muscles. So THAT can’t be the choice, it’s gotta be something else, right? But what? So I came up with a list of the only plausible things she could be choosing from…

“It All Begins… With a Choice”

  • V-Neck vs Crew Neck – A peek of Edwards chest hair vs highlighting Jacob’s man boobs?
  • Pancake makeup vs Bronzer – Deathly pallor of the undead or the deep tan of spending summers at the La Push beach
  • Harry’s Famous Fish Fry vs Spaghetti – What will Bella make for Charlie’s dinner? Some of that famous fish fry and be forced to listen to another story about “the big one that got away” or the same dinner she always makes Charlie: Spaghetti.
  • To let Alice pick your clothes or wear the khaki skirt/blue shirt again – Does anyone want to chance the wrath of the fashion obsessed Alice? And really what is so great about the darn blue shirt paired with the floor length Amish skirt? Why Bella resists, I’ll never know.

what about these…

  • Paper vs Plastic – Neither you earth haters, get your reusable bag on, people!

Ain't no lie baby, Bye Bye Bye!

  • NSYNC vs Backstreet Boys – If you say anything besides NSYNC I don’t know you
  • Jonas Brothers vs Hanson Brothers – Which brothers do it for you? Short, brunette- Jew-fro-d-Christian-purity-ring-wearing-brothers or blond-girly-haired-Christian brothers-from-Oklahoma?
  • Dwight Schrute vs Andy Bernard – How could Angela choose between the Assistant to the Region Manager of Dunder Mifflin or the man who sings “Take a chance on me” barbershop style on speakerphone?

Follow the cut to see what other choices they could possibly mean
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Breaking it down: Eclipse Sneak peek, threesomes, S&M workouts and Chippendales

Dear Eclipse Sneak Peek,

You’re just TOO good, too full of lol’s and wtf’s for us to let you pass by without breaking it down. All 5+ minutes. Yup, we’re breaking down the Eclipse sneak peek and away we go…

Moon: ok  here it is!

UC: let’s mother effing DO THIS
Moon: Wait, DUDE the little chocolatiers promo AGAIN!i love it.ok, I’m ready
UC: DAMN RILEY IS HOT
Moon: dude im so glad they got someone on etsy to make the clacker thingy that marks in the time for a scene
UC: aww david slade- so small, gay… short..
Moon: ps same cinematopgrapher as NM just saw that. so there will be SOME sort of continuity


UC: KELLAN HAS MAN BOOBS, I stopped it ON HIS BIG ASS BOOBS that are bigger than mine
Moon: THERES SO MUCH What, where are the boobs!?
UC: Haha he stands up like 29/30 major boobage
Moon: why is kellan wearing an off the shoulder top?
UC: I HAVE THAT SHIRT
Moon: like he took his sweatshirt and cut off the neckband
UC: he was at an 80s party earlier that day
Moon: he should be jazzercising or getting “physical” with Olivia Newton John and not kicking nomad vampire ass
UC: he needs a bra
Moon: you think he does that exercise from Judy Blume novels? “i must i must i must increase my bust” at night since like vampires dont sleep and he has nothing else to do
UC: yes, and it works but not for me. He has a perfect woman. with a big bust herself and he’s jealous she’s not always there… for him to caress the chest so … he grew his own
Moon: hahaha he can feel himself up
c

wait, Victoria's after BELLA?!

Moon: i just want to hear xaviers voice again. he better have a big part in the press for this
UC: um i think he will. look at his face it’s hot
UC: okay… this is seriously beating a dead horse…poor horse…but can we once and for all get it out of our system and LAMENT over Kristen’s awful wig?
Moon: HAHAHA and bryce’s while we’re at it. I feel bad she had to do an interview wearing it
Moon: at 38 she and david slade are having the most intense staring contest. i bet she won
UC: i THINK that Taylor just found out WHY victoria is upset he’s like…. “Bella is the reason that victoria is mad. SHe basically KILLED james” he had like a lightbulb go off in this interview..
Moon: he’s like DUDE thats why??!! and he turns around to ask kristen off camera and shes like DUH, haven’t you read this crap yet? So they cut to her and Kristen’s has to explain it
UC: nope- he’s too busy with his ka-rah-tay to have actually read the books
c
Follow the cut for threesomes, Rob running on the hampster wheel and the REAL story behind Eclipse
Continue reading

How to get GUYS in the theater to see Eclipse…

We didn’t invent “Breaking it Down Vanity Fair Style,” we just invented the name. So we LOVE receiving emails from YOU ALL sharing whatever it is you recently broke down with a friend, fellow twi-lover, someone you hate OR… a closeted Unicorn….

Dear Eclipse,
I became enamored with the Twilight Saga right before the first movie came out, and I was a goner. I was going through a difficult time in my life, and I believe that I survived by reading the Twilight novels and watching the first movie (over and over). Eclipse was by far my favorite of the books. The intensities of the relationships kept me coming back and Bella’s indecision made me want to punch her in the face.

My husband, like most husbands, has not been supportive of my relationship with Twilight. He says the normal things, “it’s stupid” or “a waste of my time” or “a horrible story.” My immediate reaction is, “duh,” but I must stand strong for my companion who got me through so much. This has been the source of many arguments between us, usually revolving around me not cleaning house because I’m watching the movie or reading the books again. Hoping he would turn out to be some sort of closet Unicorn, I drug him to the premiere of both movies with me, along with my girlfriends, but alas, he did not turn.

I decided to become a silent fan in my home. I stopped talking about Twilight, the books, my trading cards, the Eclipse teaser trailer release, the New Moon DVD release, which DVD I would purchase and so on and so forth. I was, however, able to turn my five year old daughter into a Twi-fan, so I still had someone to share a few things with.

My weekend was horrible and I spent the majority of the weekend sulking. In an obvious effort to cheer me up, my husband came into the bedroom to show me ads from Sunday’s paper with all the different New Moon DVD’s that were coming out and the different prices. I was amazed, but I knew why he was looking at them. First, I’m going to buy one anyway, so he might as well help me save money. Second, if I’m upset, he’s not getting any.

I had not had a chance to search for anymore Eclipse news over the weekend, so when I came into work Monday morning, that was my first order of business. I was so excited to find the Sneak Peek to Eclipse. I only watched it about five times before I had to get some work done. Immediately after lunch I was chatting with my husband and told him I found that the Sneak Peek. I was shocked at the conversation to follow:

The part where I almost have a heart attack.

How 'bout a threesome guys? (click to read)

Me: There was a sneak peek from the new Twi-movie on the web. It says it’s going to be on the DVD but it’s only 2 minutes long
Me: that 7 minute one at Wally’s must be different
The Hubby: oh, i think i saw that one
The Hubby: the 2 min one
Me: the sneak peek?
The Hubby: yes
Me: you watched it?
The Hubby: yes
Me: who are you? and what have you done with Mark

The part where we discuss the subtle intricacies and a three-some with the love triangle

The Hubby: oh the turmoil
Me: hehe- it’s more fun than the trailer. You get to see everybody
The Hubby: “you must consider i might be better for her” you blood sucker
Me: LOL
The Hubby: on guard dog boy
Me: you never stop surprising me
The Hubby: it popped up somewhere so i figured what the hey
The Hubby: it’s going major soap opera now though
Me: yes, this one is a major soap opera. well, they all are
The Hubby: perhaps, but this one is major league
Me: a major league soap opera? Yes.
The Hubby: let’s make a monster sandwich
Me: huh? oh!  I got it
The Hubby: a “bella sandwich”
Me: yes, that may have crossed their minds

Eat your heart out guys- there's a NEW hot wolf in town

The one where he refers to Taylor as Fez, from That 70’s Show

The Hubby: fez is so cute with all of those muscles too
Me: all he needs is the lisp
The Hubby: i’m sure he could pull it off
Me: I’d like to see him try. that would be good stuff
The Hubby: yes

The one with the solution to the problem we Twi-nerds have been looking for! How to get our guys to want to go to the next movie! (Or at least how to get them to stop bugging us.)

Me: there is a girl wolf in this one, but I don’t think she goes topless- sorry
The Hubby: What! THIS IS AN OUT RAGE, A SEXIST OUTRAGE!
Me: I think we should broadcast your opinion. heheh
The Hubby: yes, sacrifice the teen base crowd for the twi-dads! it’s their only hope

And then I realized, the only fair thing to do, is to have Leah be topless. I will concede that I would rather not have a topless girl in the movie, but if I can drag my husband to watch it over and over without complaint, I think there is something to this idea. I’m not a lesbian, or a fake lesbian, but I want to see this movie as much as I want without getting grief.

Thank you Eclipse for considering my suggestion,
Dame Iron Fury

Have you broken it down ‘Vanity Fair Style” with a closeted Unicorn? Do the men in your life admit when they’ve watched something Twi-related!? And seriously- what ARE they gonna do about Leah running around “half-naked!?”

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Breaking it down: Eclipse Trailer, sperm donation and the Notebook

Dear LTT-ers,

SURPRISE, we broke down the Eclipse trailer, I mean what else did you expect us to do? We finally got something new from Eclipse and had to share our joy and horror and excitement and totally wild ideas together!

If you haven’t seen it yet (what the crap have you been doing?!) Here it is…

0-:25ish
UC: okay… let’s DO THIS! we’ll watch 20ish seconds and then stop and talk about it…
Moon: dont give away stuff at the end! I haven’t seen it yet!
UC: i won’t okay ready?
Moon: yes
UC: go
Moon: OHHHH black summit logo, black like their hearts (i kid, i kid!)

Hmmm wanna go get a sammy and some ice cream? Maybe some chips and salsa?

Moon: ISABELLA?!
UC: isbella…..
Moon: OOOHHHH shes in trouble! That’s her full name!
UC: STOP the trailer!
Moon: OMG!!!
UC: stops at the voluri
Moon: the volturi show up right as we stop
Moon: so lets talk about the meadow
UC: so yes- um  did Rob eat like… 10,000 bags of cheetos?
Moon: lemme watch again
UC: or did they have the dry humpy time and his shirt is all frumpled cuz he looks huge
Moon: he’s all rumpled from laying around in the meadow
UC: haha his belly! seriously it’s like.. sticking out like he is bloated
Moon: he doesnt even care anymore
UC: he’s got the girl, eaten a couple extra deer
Moon: he’s like letting it all go
UC: she looks curvy. and good
Moon: letting it all go like a real relationship
UC: they’re all.. swollen… like.. they had some major humpage in the meadow
Moon: they’re going to brunch a lot, reading newspapers, eating fattening foods cause they’re so in love…

One Vampire to rule them all, One Vampire to find them, One Vampire to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

UC: Let’s move on
Moon: to the elvin lords?
Moon: the volturi look like they’re in middle earth, surprised jane didnt speak in elvish to them

Follow the jump to break it ALL down and maybe think about your contraception plan
Continue reading

Unicorns DO exist!

I miss Twilight. I think I’ll watch it again soon- as soon as I remember who I lent my copy of the DVD to! But what I miss a ton is hearing what guys think of Twilight. This fan letter today reminded me of when we heard these stories all.the.time:

Dear Twilight,

You acquired a new fan this weekend and it might surprise you who it is. It sure surprised me. It’s my husband! After a full year of trying to keep my husband in the dark about Twilight, I was forced out into the open by Showtime. You see, I hadn’t let my husband watch the Twilight movie for fear that he would think I was insane for liking it. I hid the DVD behind other DVDs in the hopes that he wouldn’t find it and decide to just pop it in one day to see what all the fuss was about. Then the moment I was dreading happened. Twilight started playing on cable. And let’s face it, once it starts showing on cable, it’s virtually impossible to NOT see it. So I had a choice to make. I could not pay the bill and let our cable get disconnected or I could “woman up” and finally sit down to watch it with him. I decided to be an adult and face the music. After putting the kids to bed and settling in with a bottle of wine (all for me, btw), me and my husband turned on Twilight.

I fully expected to be ridiculed for the next 2 hours, but something surprising started happening. My husband looked like he was enjoying it. I had to explain a few things at the beginning, because so much was left out from the book. But other than that he seemed to get it. He laughed at the appropriate times. He really enjoyed Charlie (but who didn’t, right?). He laughed at Edward’s snarky comments. But what was more surprising was what he didn’t laugh at. He didn’t laugh at “Spider Monkey”, the cheesy special effects, “My Monkey Man” or Kristen’s stuttering and stammering in the hospital scene. And I was certain he would laugh at the sparkling. Come on! Even we lover’s of Twilight laugh at the cheesiness of the sparkling vampires. Nope! There was not even a smirk when Edward revealed himself. Was it possible my husband was actually liking this or was he just humoring me? As the movie came to an end, I was a little nervous. I didn’t want to ask my husband what he thought. He’s pretty tough when it comes to movies. He has a tradition of rating movies on a scale of 1 – 10. Most movies get a 5. One of his favorite movies, The Dark Knight, only got a 9 out of 10. I figured we were doing good if he gave it a 5. He didn’t say anything, however, so I assumed it was much worse than I thought and he was just sparing my feelings. Finally as we were getting ready for bed he said, “I liked it. I’d give it a 7.” What?! Were my ears deceiving me? Did my husband actually like this? Was he just mocking me? Or did I have a unicorn on my hands? The next words out of his mouth confirmed it, “I wouldn’t mind going to see the next one at the theater with you.” He spent the next few minutes asking me questions about the rest of the books/movies and trying to clarify points he didn’t quite understand. In the end, he admitted he thought it was a pretty romantic movie.

To think that I’ve spent the last year trying to keep my obsession under wraps, when I could have just let it all out for him to see. Apparently sparkling, emo vampires who only drink animal blood and attend high school over and over do not bother him. He found it interesting. What I found interesting were some of his comments during the movie. I’ve only ever watched and discussed Twilight with other women. It was nice to get a man’s perspective. Here were some of this thoughts as the movie played.

Random thoughts my husband had during Twilight

  • Jessica is “stacked”
  • Why are all those guys hitting on her (Bella)? I would go for the other girl (Jessica). She seems like she’d be a lot more fun. She actually smiles and laughs.
  • That guy (Rob) looks A LOT better in this movie than he did when we saw him on Letterman. ( I strongly disagreed with this, but he thought Rob looked better with his vampire make-up)
  • I bet she’s a joy to live with with (Bella). She seems like such a downer.
  • If you knew he was vampire, would you go off into the woods with him alone?
  • He admits he killed people and she doesn’t care?!
  • Wouldn’t kissing a vampire feel like kissing a cold, dead fish?
  • I can’t imagine not being able to sleep. I’d get bored.
  • So he (Edward) waits 100 years to fall in love and that’s (Bella) who he chooses?
  • Why doesn’t he just change her? Wouldn’t that solve the problem? (This was said during the chase scene with James)

But my favorite exchange came during the bedroom kiss scene:

As Edward slowly leans in to kiss Bella
DH
: Wouldn’t that be like kissing your steak dinner?
Me
: Ssshh! You’re ruining it for me.
Edward flings himself off of Bella and against the wall

DH: Whoa! Why did he do that? Was he turned on?
Me
: Yes. He can’t go too far. He can’t have sex with her.
DH
: Really? Why?
Me: He can’t lose control around her or he might accidentally kill her.
DH
: Hmmm. . . now I know why you like this. It’s all about the yearning and the longing. Women love stuff like that.
Me: Shut up.

Unicorns DO exist!

So there you have it. I was doubting the existence of unicorns. I’ve heard people on this site talk about unicorn sightings, but I never really believed it. Now I can say that, yes, there are men who like Twilight. There are men who don’t laugh at sparkling vampires who wear too much lipstick. I know. I live with one.

Toooldforthis

Seriously- I laugh at that picture to our right EVERY TIME. Tonight, my husband who normally tells me to STOP blogging said, “UC- you need to blog about vampires and stop watching Chuck & Blair fanvids” My.. how the times have changed!

After the jump, see the hilarious winning entry from the contest we ran yesterday! ANDDDDDDD finally… that trailer we all want to see! Continue reading

Dear Midnight Sun

Dear Midnight Sun,

I haven’t thought about you in awhile. I haven’t read you in awhile. It’s all the wondering about why Eclipse is having this supposed drama and what is taking Breaking Dawn so long to have any news that’s keeping me from remembering how you were my favorite 12 chapters of anything I’ve ever read. But today I saw a pretty cool video about what you might be like and I got thinking about you again.

I think the best part about you being completed would be that we’d probably get another movie with Buttcrack Santa in it. Not to mention lots of Cullen family interaction which is my absolute favorite (next to Buttcrack Santa). Maybe we’ll find out Alice calls Jasper her “Giddy-up Cowboy” or something. Would we have a ton of intimate scenes of Rob Edward in his bedroom, alone brooding, thinking, fantasizing….? (I’m talking something sexy here. Not like that jizz in his pants thing in biology class) Will we get a HUGE blooper real of Peter Facinelli and Rob Pattinson cracking up as Carlisle is slobbering all over Edward’s neck?

All I know is I want it BAD. Another chance to hear Buttcrack Santa sing his song about a kitty? Would we get to find out more about Cora the waitress at the diner? It would basically be like Twilight- but more centered around ROB and not in that depressingly blue gray color!? UNTOUCHED BY CATHI HARDI!?

Halle-freakin-lujah

(Will we be jealous when we see Edward with another girl like Tanya?)

Can you make the movie without Stephanie even finishing the book? We know how it ends!

Here’s hoping,
UnintendedChoice

Follow the jump for an important poll! Continue reading

Before we had the REAL thing

Dear 2007 & 2008,

I’ve been reminiscing. Reminiscing about a time before the drama of “Is David Slade or isn’t David Slade being replaced by a taller director?” and “Are Rob & Kristen really making love for hours on end in front of a fire on a bear skin rug or are they just banging quickly on a leopard printed one?” I was thinking back to YOUR time- when casting announcements were just being announced for the movies, a petition was being sent around to have Rob replaced in the films & Big Daddy hadn’t yet become a household name. Melissa Rosenberg hadn’t yet penned “How you likin’ da rain Arizona,” and Cathy Hardi was still hard at work coming up with a list of “terrible, awful, no good lines for Rob Pattinson to say when Kristen Stewart first climbs on his back.” Sigh… those were the good ol’ days.

Actually, I wasn’t around then but I would have been if I had known better. However, as I’ve read every page and seen every image the internet has to offer about the Twilight saga & its actors, I’ve discovered that things were different back then. Things were different before. Before the hype. Before the drama. Before there were promo photos, videos and interviews. Before anyone knew any better….. This stuff was made:

Back when Edward Cullen, the 21st century’s Romeo, was seen as a vampire with a mullet and loved a heroine who young enough to give Chris Hansen a MAJOR career booster.

Back when Pete Wentz was someone’s dream Edward Cullen

Back when a REAL Native American was expected to play Jacob

Back when Ronald McDonald fought a random Italian dude for Bella’s love

Back when no one was good enough for Rob Pattinson, so Ariel had to fill in

Was Ashlee Simpson someone’s dream Rosalie? Check it out after the jump! Continue reading

Yes Bella, you are right, “They’re NOT Bears!”

*In honor of our dear UC who loves to call me and say “They’re Not Bears!” I bring you this lovely letter from the even lovelier Bella (and Alice) from Not and Addikt*

Dear Bella,

You know, I gotta hand it to Edward: you’re a lot more observant than all of us initially gave you credit for. You immediately noticed the Cullens, you worked out all on your own that men get crabby when they’re hungry, and in the blink of an eye, you noticed those big wolves in New Moon are NOT bears. Whew, I’m glad you pointed that one out, because frankly, I was still puzzled and confused until you put me in the know. Then again, no wonder you’re such an expert, what with all the wildlife problems Forks has been having. Animal attacks, giant bears, local kids that explode into giant wolves and the likes. Anywho, it got me wondering what a movie night with you would be like. Are you one of those annoying people who figure out the plot after 5 minutes and can’t help but release my poor soul from its ignorance? Do you keep on slurping through your straw even though that coke has been emptied hours ago? Do you finish your snacks after 15 minutes and then eye mine like a PMSing vulture? Do you repeat that one semi-funny movie quote for days to come, like I do to annoy my bloggy pal Alice? Only one way to find out. Pull on your favourite pair of holey sweatpants, send Eddie hunting for a night, and browse my dvd collection for something you like. How about we make this a little marathon movie night? Allright, here we go.

Oh, so you’re into sci-fi trilogies, are you? So am I. Then again, Star Wars IS a classic.

No but they’re not wolves either. Got any other furry foresty suggestions?

Spot on again Bella, they are indeed NOT bears. We know they’re neither Ork nor Troll. So it makes total sense for you to inform us they’re also not bears, about as much sense as the fact that you are sharing a frame with a band of feisty Uruk Hais in Middle Earth.

Follow the cut to see what else is NOT a bear according to Bella
Continue reading

Dear Renesmee

Dear Reneesmee, Renesemee, Renesmee, Renesmee,

First of all, can we address the spelling of your name? Every time I have to write it I have to slow down and think for a second. Or grab my Breaking Dawn book or look at a past letter where we mentioned you. It’s annoying. And I’m still not sure “Renesmee” is even how you even spell it. I get it- Mommy wanted to be all cute and pay homage to both of your grandmom’s,  but couldn’t she have just named you “Renee” or “Esme” and given you a middle name like the other gma’s? Whatever, that’s the least of what I’d change if I had my way.

Anyway, I figured it was about time I wrote to you directly. I’ve mentioned you over the past year- usually in advice letters to Jacob where I warn him that Chris Hansen is closing in- but I want to have a heart-to-heart. You see, I never really had a problem with you. I was one in the minority. Sure, I cringed a little when I realized what it meant when mommy was eating all those eggs & getting fatter. But it wasn’t a “OMG they just made a human/vampire cross-breed that’s gonna be creepy and have an inappropriate relationship with her mommy’s ex boyfriend” kind of way. It was more a “Oh shit, really Edward & Bella? Are you stupid? Your sex life is over. Don’t you know that having a baby changes EVERYTHING? Instead of hot, sweaty nights breaking headboards and tickling each other with feathers, it’s changing poopy diapers and trying to keep that wolf at bay. Your sex life is OVER” (Okay, I really have no idea as I’m not a mother, but that’s the reason I keep telling myself I don’t want kids, so it’s all I know) I also didn’t take into consideration that Aunt Rose would sort of claim you as her own and it’s really her & Uncle Emmett’s sex life that is ruined. But anyway, discussing sex with a baby is pretty creepy, so I’m gonna stop.

If I had known about this, you would have creeped me out

You didn’t creep me out. You seemed cute and I loved how your family doted on you. You definitely changed the dynamic between your mommy & daddy, and I wasn’t exactly on board- I’m an adult with a job and bills and taxes and stuff. The reason I liked your mommy and daddy is because they were innocent kids without the worries of 401ks and global warming. (What the crap? I have NEVER worried about my 401k once) And now that you’re around… well, it seems like things might get more complicated. Instead of dirty talk it’s daycare talk. Instead of where Daddy is going to whisk Mommy off for Valentine’s day it’s “Can we trust the dog to not make a move while we’re gone.” And Daddy will stop looking at Mommy when she’s looking sexy and instead say, “Have you seen our daughter!? She looks wayyyyy too sexy. I read Jacob’s mind. Lock.Her.Up.Now.” I didn’t sign up for that. But all-in-all, I liked you!

However…. things have changed. In the past year I’ve met many of those in the majority- the closest one being Moon. I’ve heard the other side of the story. The side where people DON’T overlook the creepiness that your best friend Jacob will one day do things to you that would get us all arrested if I mention them now. I was never okay with that part of the story, I’ll admit. But I let it slide because it was one blimp in my perfect fantasy world. But as I’ve had Twilosophical conversations with friends and readers & commenters and then as I’ve discovered the world of “Renesmee Fan art,” I have to admit…. I might be switching Teams. I was on “Team Renesmee as long as I can still get hot Bella & Edward scenes” but now I’m on “Team maybe the Volturi should get Renesmee but leave everyone else alone” Oh- I don’t mean that (but I kinda do) It’s just that….. you’re creepy. A baby with special abilities? Who has a relationship with a wolf who used to love her mother? A wolf that will one day become her lover?

“What? Are yo- NO! NO! How, I don’t even know what you’re say- How Ho- Whadya whayda you talking about, yo- want me to go away- I, I, I can’t, I can’t I I can’t just leave – I… (fade out)”

Yeah, mommy knows how I feel.

Renesmee & Jacob

If it wasn't inappropriate, I'd make a doggy style joke here

So where do we go from here? How can you and I get back to the side of the minority- where I overlooked your creepiness so I could claim that, “The Twilight Saga is the best worst-written book series of all time”? I don’t know. I was going to say maybe Stephanie will write a new saga- picking up 10 years from where we left off- where you’re a full-grown adult and Jacob is allowed to have those thoughts about you like the ones he once had for your mommy. But then I realized that I bet Jacob/Renesmee fan fiction exists- I’m willing to bet my 401k on this- and I can’t imagine the creepiness. Oh, I’m sure it’s not some pedophilia stuff about you as a child with Jacob, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t care that Jacob’s body is frozen in time. Even if you are 10 with the body of a 17 year old, and Jacob is only 27 with the body of a 17 year old, you’re still TEN YEARS OLD. And he is TWENTY-SEVEN. And he kissed your MOMMY. I don’t care if that was because he loved her future unborn child that neither one of them knew about. THIS IS JUST ALL TOO CREEPY FOR ME TO HANDLE.

Also, I can’t believe I wrote an entire letter where I said Daddy & Mommy 16 times. I feel weird. I’m gonna go get drunk now- like a proper adult.

Love (sort of),
Aunt UnintendedChoice

Let’s talk Renesmee. Do you love her? Did you love her? Are you creeped out? Discuss!

And if you’re NOT creeped out, you will be after you see this:

Click. Seriously now. Click

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

My FanFic Storyline Ideas – Vol 1: JediWard

UUUUSSSEEE THE DAZZLE FORCE EDWARD!!! and t

Dear Twilight Fan Fiction writers-

Yesterday, while on Twitter I saw a trending topic called “Jedward” which as it turns out is some weird incestuous looking brother singing duo but because I’m not “down with the kids” like Billy Black, it made me think some FanFic writer created a hillbilly Edward hybrid. I tweeted it cause I think I’m funny sometimes and as it turned out I wasn’t the only one and someone else thought it was “Jediward” a Star Wars version of Edward. And THAT got me to thinking. What would Star Wars look like with Twilight characters subbed in? Now, I’m sure I’m going to get crucified by White Yorkie and the Font for attempting or even entertaining such SciFi/Fantasy heresy but I just have to explore the complete craziness of this idea.

With this in mind I present to you our latest series: My Fanfiction Storyline Ideas! Because I think of some pretty absurd ideas and feel like it’s my duty to share them with the word and please writers if you feel like taking up this mantle of absurdity, feel free. I just come up with the ideas if you can make it reality than more power to you and more laughing for me!

Click to enlarge and possibly frame

Title: Star Wars: May the Forks Be With You!
AU, Non canon Twi and Non Canon Star Wars (too hard, I tried), Scifi, Romance, Angst

Summary:
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away… a rebellion begins against the evil Volturi Empire to take back the Republic and destroy the evil Darth Aro and his massive Death Star space station. Captured by the Empire while on a spy mission, Princess Bella who has the stolen Death Star blueprints hides them in escaped droids Eric2-D2 and Mike3PO.

EEEDDDWWWAAARRDDDD I am your sisterrrrr!!

Later on the planet of La Pushtouine, Edward Skywalker purchases Eric2-D2 and Mike3PO and accidentally uncovers a secret message from Princess Bella asking Charlie-Wan Kenobi to help as he’s her only hope. Inspired to help this girl Edward finds Charlie-Wan and they set out to find the Rebels to deliver the message and rescue Princess Bella. In need of transport and a secret passage they hire space pilot without a cause Jazz Solo and his Wookie co-pilot Chewbacob to lead them to the rebels.

Follow the cut to see what happens
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