Tweed Edward vs High-School Edward

I’m almost home! Have you missed me? Probably not, because I posted some pretty kick-ass fan letters this week. THIS ONE is not any different!


Dear Summit Execs/Twilight & New Moon hair, makeup & wardrobe people:

Allow me to introduce myself:  I’m a thirty-something married mom.  Middle class, suburbs, Midwesterner, blah blah blah.  All I’m missing is the minivan and that’s only because that would cramp my style.  But I digress.  My purpose of writing is to discuss with you the urban myth of women hitting their sexual primes in their 30s.  When I turned 30, my husband waited with baited breath but as I was 4 days away from going into labor with our 2nd child, there was no sexual awakening that night.  The next year, same thing-hubs crossing the digits-but apparently taking care of a 3 year old and a 1 year old doesn’t make you frisky.  Who knew??  Another year or two or four went by and the husband was like a kid who has found out Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

Then in April 2009, I picked up Twilight.  I started reading it one night in bed while the hubs was snoring next to me, probably dreaming of Farrah Fawcett (holdover adolescent crush, RIP Jill Munroe).  I read through a few chapters and was intrigued but not hooked.  Yet.  That next night, I had a naughty dream about Edward and woke up………IN LOVE.

Cue obsession with all things Robward.

Cue voracious reading of consecutive novels in “The Saga” and the first of MANY viewings of Twilight.

Cue husband’s disdain (jealousy?) of my obsession.

Cue my discovery of the “fade to black” blanks filled in via *speaks reverently* FAN FICTION.

Cue………sexual prime!

See husband’s happy face as he finds out “Yes, Virginia, Santa DOES exist.”

Myth busted, Summit.  With a little help from a fictional character from  young adult novels, of course.

So why the hell am I writing to you, Summit execs and movie hair/makeup/wardrobe people, you ask?  Because as a newly inducted member of the “Sexual Prime Club” who fantasizes about sharpening her claws, I find myself noticing young adult men in ways I never did.  (That’s normal, right?  And I did say “adult.”)  Twilight allowed me to perv on a hot, hot, hot seventeen-year-old who is really a 108-year-old vampire but portrayed by a 23-year-old man!  GENIUS!  WIN for cougars everywhere.  I can fantasize but it’s legal.  I can lust but there’s no threat of jail time and ridicule from my peers.  (Well, there’s always ridicule but no threat of “pedophile” spray-painted on my driveway.)  I can perv without a visit from Chris Hansen.

This kiss gave me the chills.  He sneaked into her bedroom!  How hot to my thirty-something old self that knows how creepy it should be! “I just wanna try one thing” INDEED!

The T shirt.  That tight jaw.  The bad-boy sheepish grin.  The crazy driving.  The stalking and voyeurism.  It’s like someone read my 14-year-old self’s diary!

Then…..New Moon happened.  (And some particularly angst-ridden FF.  And some dreaded Christmas shopping. And flu season.)

Allow this chart to illustrate:

How Twilight/New Moon affected my sex life:

This is supposed to keep my sexual prime going strong?

WTF, Summit?  Where did that hot, hot, hot high school boy go?  I don’t WANT to crush on my college Anthropology professor!  I don’t WANT to fantasize about chalk dust on tweed.  I don’t WANT to role-play getting an A for “extra credit.”  (Wait-scratch that.  That kinda sounds fun.)  I don’t WANT Edward to be as grumpy as my grandpa discussing the Great Depression and how every “kid” under the age of 45 is on drugs.

I WANT my illicit (yet legal) thrills, Summit.  I WANT high school Edward back.  Now I know Eclipse will be out soon so this letter may be too late, but millions of thirty-something libidos (and the future happiness of their partners) are counting on you.  Leather, NOT  tweed.  Sex hair, NOT old man hair.  Tight, sexy jeans, NOT elastic-waist “slacks.”  The Cullen crest cuff, NOT Grandpa’s pocket watch.

To recap:

YES please

HALE NO!

Keep the myth alive, Summit.  (You can probably expect another letter before Breaking Dawn so you don’t go the “Dad” route on Edward with sneakers and bald spots.  “Teenaged” dads can be HOT too.)

Signed,

USDA Prime

Why have we never discussed this before? Teenage Edward vs. Old Man Edward. MOON & UC FAIL! What do you think? Are you into OldManward? Or do you like the idea of the 17 year old who is really 108 but played by a 23 year old Teenagerward?

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Life after Breaking Dawn- A Contemplation

It’s UC, posting from the past (seriously, I’m drafting this like 2 years in advance) because I’m still on my romantic vacation with my husband having the BEST time of my life drinking the BEST drinks in creation (please don’t rain in Mexico, please don’t rain in Mexico). Today we have a great letter about life AFTER Breaking Dawn. Dream with us (or be horrified), won’t you?

Dear Stephenie,

Have you ever stopped to think about what life will be like a few years or so down the road for everyone with the way you ended Breaking Dawn? If not you should and I think you should consider about writing about it (AFTER you finish and publish Midnight Sun of course).

First you should probably know a couple things about me. I loved Breaking Dawn with all it’s flaws, even the ones that infuriated me (case in point: Edward delaying sex AGAIN after Bella’s a vamp on her first hunt. I yelled at the book/Edward. He finally can have worry free sexy time and he doesn’t take the opportunity? He has been a 17 year old for like 90 years, you KNOW he wants to get some. But no, he stops Bella by mentioning the kid. Seriously!? …but I digress…). Where was I? Oh yes things you should know about me. I’m an idealist and hopeless romantic, so as a result I have a weakness for getting a happy ending (twss). I like details. And another thing is I always want more. My mind constantly wonders, “then what?” I want the story to go on not wanting it to end. So I’ve thought several times since I’d first read Breaking Dawn “what would happen?”

Will the Volturi go after and kill Joham for his experimenting and creating those half-vamps? Will the Volturi stop there, or will they kill Nahuel the guy who saved them all from a bloodbath and his sisters? What will the Cullens do when they find out about it? Will they step in and go ninja on the Volturi’s asses and be the new Volturi family and everyone will live in fear of the Cullen’s wrath instead? Will all vampires for the rest of eternity say “you don’t provoke the Cullens unless you want to die”? Or will the Volturi do a sneak attack on the Cullens and try to take out Renesmee first?

Yes all of these things and much more have run through my mind. But the most nagging questions for me have been surrounding the four most central characters at the end of the story: Edward, Bella, Jacob, Renesmee… and sex. (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I’m a very sexually minded creature).

Find out what this idealist, sexually-minded creature comes up with for “Life after Breaking Dawn” after the jump! Continue reading

Breaking Down the Eclipse Trailer – It’s the Circle of Life and a Rave all wrapped up in a wig

Dear UC,

Yes, I’m writing you about the Eclipse trailer that premiered on Oprah on Friday. Since you’re outta the country without a lifeline internet connection, I am by myself! Who am I supposed to talk to about the trailer? I feel like I’m all alone! Ok, maybe not we have a billion friends and blog readers, but still it’s just not the same! I feel like I’m cheating. I keep looking over my shoulder because I think you’re gonna walk in and catch me breaking it down with someone else. Well, I did and it was goooood. It wasn’t you and me but it was gooooood. And so is the trailer. There’s lots to discuss. The ring, The Riley, The Circle of Life… LET’S DO THIS!!!!

Moon: Brookie, we need to break down this trailer PRONTO! UC has gone south of the border, Calli is drunker than Cathi Hardwicke at TGIFriday’s all you can drink Cinco De Mayo celebration and The Font won’t answer my calls. It’s just you and me girl. You, me and some questionable hairlines.

Brooke: lemme watch again I love how the trailer starts off with Bella wearing a hoodie like it isn’t already the 800 pound gorilla in the room let’s hide the hideous wig under a hoodie. NO ONE will notice
Moon
: HAHAHAHAAH exactly its so obvious they tightened the shot to keep her hairline out of like 3/4ths of the shots in the trailer. COME ON!

Brooke: I also don’t get who in the make up department has it out for rob

Dude, tell me before she shows up... do I look like Caspar?

Brooke: he’s a funking gorgeous guy and yet he looks closer to Ronald McDonald than Edward Cullen
Moon
: some poor girl who thought he turned her down during the filming of twilight and it just turns out he was so embarrassed he was mumbling
Brooke: hahaha, he probably proposed and she took it seriously she probably breaks make up brushes every time she has to do K’s makeup
Moon: Wouldn’t you?

Follow the cut to feast on some Riley, talk about Ronald McDonald and Raves
Continue reading

Open Weekend Post: Hosted by the Eclipse Cardboard Stand Ups

Dear Eclipse Merchandise/Marketing folks,

WTF happened here? Was someone asleep at the wheel? Let’s take a closer look?


First off the expression on his face. It’s a mix between “the one who smelt it, dealt it” and “eh, fuck it, let er rip.” Put that face in the NSYNC circa Pop Odyssey denim jacket with converse from the Target collection and you’re got a recipe from my dreams. Also pretty sure those are his personal black jeans. He doesn’t let anything but the best thrift store denim tough those thighs.

Next up…

Poor pooooor Jacob/Taylor. This is just an all around bad look. The poofy hair, the moobs (man boobs) showcased by a shirt that makes you look like you just ate the WHOLE Chipotle burrito during your lunch break and you’re really regretting it now. Worn with the haphazardly tied LUGGS and this cardboard cut out screams construction worker with his heart on his (non-existent) sleeve.


Who left the wind machine on between the America’s Next Top Model shoot and the Eclipse Promo photo shoot? And the poor girl was told “do the KISS ME” eye brow raise and ended up the recipient of some crazy photoshop shenanigans as her left eye is like 2 inches lower than the right. WTF happened there?

So if waking up in your darkened bedroom only to be greeted by a teenage construction worker who loves Carne Asada, America’s Next Top Model reject and the Fart-meister than these cardboard cut outs are for you. 33 bucks and the dream can be yours!

Happy Freakin’ Weekend!
Themoonisdown

Who’s buying one of these? I think the LTT/LTR headquarters needs the entire set so we can put them in compromising positions and feed the Jacob one tacos when we have writers block. Who’s with us?

Thanks Twifans for the tweet to tip me off!

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

A Rebuttle: The Font wants to talk about the Leg Hitch and life and 93 Buicks

*Because we like to beat dead horses here at LTT and because the Font has a response to my letter from yesterday that you need to read and then hug someone after, here he is to talk about his take on The Leg Hitch*

Hey Twi-Fans.

How are you? Good? That’s good. I’m glad to hear that.

So what’s been going on since we last talked? Oh, did someone write gay fan fiction about you and a close friend? Did you get yelled at on Twitter about Michael Vick by someone who is now blurring the line between fan and friend? Did a pretty girl you were interested in refer to you as “that Twilight guy” in person? No, no, sorry. I’m getting your life confused with mine.

But listen. That’s not why we’re here. We’re here to talk about Leg Hitch or whatever the fuck it’s called.

I cannot believe all of you women are getting this excited about dry sex. Seriously.

Yeah, sure, foreplay’s exciting NOW. Where were you when a generation of teenage males were locking themselves in their rooms eight times a day? If you would have asked a fourteen year old Font “hey buddy, what do you want to do all day?” I would have responded “dry sex and video games.” Maybe something about collectible card games if you caught me in the right month.

Now, I certainly was not unwillingly abstinent from dry sex for too long in my teenage years (thank you Cinco De Mayo pageant queens), and I harbor no grudges about teenagers being slow to give into their Font-related jean-on-jean urges. I get it. They were young and confused.

BUT. My point is this. When Moon explained what it actually was, I got confused, because that is like rank amateur shit. I was “leg hitching” in the back of my 1993 Buick Skylark before I was legal to drive it. It is not a complicated procedure. It is also not that uncommon.

It’s sort of like someone explaining to a pitcher what a curveball is. He’s almost going to get confused about what they’re talking about, because it’s so simple. What’s the big deal? Put your hand in the ‘C’ shape, twist and swing it over the corner of the plate. You’ve done it a thousand times before you got out of little league.

[Please appreciate how hard it was to not make a sex joke in the previous paragraph.]

All this to say! You are not really excited about Leg Hitching. You are excited about having a man desperately in love with you finally being willing to profess that love in a tangibly physical way. If there’s a takeaway for the legions of fourteen year old girls that I know read this blog daily: it’s that sex (even dry sex) matters.

None of the dudes you fall in love with is going to be as pretty as Edward, or have his literally rock hard abs. That is science. But they can love you the way that he does: not just cause you’re gonna give it up, or because he doesn’t like being alone, or because you’re a prop in the production that is his life.

And T&A is plentiful. There are always more nineteen year olds with tighter abs and thinner thighs, there’s always a new exciting girl with new noises and new things to say about how interesting your job/car/suit is.

But the SOUL, right? That stays. That’s eternal. You love a woman for something you can’t see, you’ll be there for awhile.

There’s an Edward out there for you. Some dude you’ll get excited about basic sex moves for. It’s worth separating the wheat from the chaff.

Yes, I actually wrote a post about the value of sex while using a vampire metaphor.

Until the next time someone says something dumb that upsets me,

The Font

Number one, let’s get mad at The Font for calling us 14 year old girls when clearly we don’t allow them here (although they occasionally sneak on. Hey little girl- Taylor Lautner probably likes boys now- you need to go on a Justin Bieber fan site.) Secondly, what do you think? Is The Font, gulp, right? Thirdly, do you like how I got carried away with all the motivational posters? Those are so addicting. Oh, and The Font thought of ALL of them!

Kinda think you might be crushin’ on “The Twilight Guy?” Read more from him

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Twilosophy: Why is the Leg Hitch in Eclipse SO important?

Dear LTT-ers and Twilosophy Majors,

Yesterday, after UC posted her thoughts on the Eclipse reshoots and how David Slade better get the “leg hitch” right and if that’s the reason for all the secrecy and need to go to Vancouver than she was all for it. Which we are, 100%. I mean we’re so committed to this being right we’re even willing to be the stand in’s or film it ourselves with a camera phone and Robert Pattinson in our wrought iron bed (we share one, duh. All good bloggers do) with gold brocade bedding we purchased at Anna’s Linens for the occasion. But as it turns out not everyone even knows what the crap the leg hitch even is. Witness this resulting conversation of me trying to explain it after yesterday’s post…
c

More like #cop a feel than #leg hitch

The Font: okay, i have pretended to understand this for long enough what the fuck is leg hitch?
Moon: i thought i explained it to you guys during a podcast
Font: no way, i would remember
Moon: ok, so in Eclipse theres this super hot scene that everyone always talks about. edward leaves to go off hunting with the dudes and leaves bella with alice and whoever at his house. well his room doesnt have a bed since vampires dont sleep so she thinks shes going to sleep on the couch or something during this weekend well anyway he gets her this bed (im so embarrassed) at some point in the weekend he comes back and they start getting it on. i will look up the quote but anyway during the making out it says something about “leg hitch.” we’ve been talking about it since last march and well it took off
Font:wait, leg hitch like his junk?
Moon: NOOOO! like grabbing someones leg and pulling it up
Font: I DON’T UNDERSTAND MOON*! what? this is a dry sex metaphor?
Moon: omg Font*
Font: Moon*, i have been reading this site for like six months (editors note: WAY longer. you’ve been making fun of me since at least last summer). i don’t know what the fuck is going on
Moon: OMG SERIOUSLY?!!!!! if you’re making out and/or having sex with someone
Font: i get it!
Moon: and you grab their leg like under the knee
Font: listen this is not my first rodeo
Moon: thank god! please dont make me explain it anymore!
Font: i really feel like this is a let down
Moon: why? cause, sometimes seeing behind the curtain isnt as good as the illusion.
Font:  truth, truth. But it’s such a weird phrase
Moon: I’m looking it up…

“He pulled my leg up suddenly, hitching it around his hip” -pg 186

Font: that doesn’t even make sense. these books are dumb
Moon: COME ON!

It's so important people feel the need to create fan art about it!

So of course this got me to thinking… why is the leg hitch so important? What about this seemingly small moment in the 3rd installment of the saga has captured the passion of so many people? And what does it say about the characters and us readers?

First off I think we have to understand that this is really one of the first “intense” (for them) make out moments Bella and Edward have. Besides some kissing and hugging the ultimate self cock blocker, Edward keeps it pretty G rated for the kids. So for readers who have been salivating over every little hand hold or emo eye locks in the science room, this is about more than we can handle. Bella and Edward touching… down… there?! ZOMG. But ever the moralist and well, a good story teller, Stephenie Meyer leaves us wanting more cause just when things are heating up Bella opens her dumb fat mouth and Edward remembers his priest-like lifestyle.

Secondly, this make out is the catalyst for a very important conversation between Edward in Bella. After remembering he thinks girls have cooties and pushing Bella away they discuss her not-s0-secret trips to La Push while he was gone. And FINALLY Edward figures out he’s being a monumentally freaky overprotective boyfriend and agrees that Bella should be able to visit Jacob and her friends in La Push. He comes to the realization that he needs to trust her judgment more. Even though she’s a danger magnet and is subconsciously, in some way in love with Jacob, Edward realizes that if Bella feels she’s safe than he needs to trust her.

Bada bing bada BOOM

And finally it’s important for Bella to see that Edward likes her in more than a vampire-I’m-attracted-to-your-blood-only kind of way. He wants her like any normal high school boy wants his girlfriend. Who doesn’t want to feel that way? Even though he shuts her down just when things are getting all mcsteamy up on the brocade bedspread, she already comes to the realization that he likes her on multiple levels.

But really, what isn’t there to GET about the leg hitch? It’s hot. It’s Edward in a bed doing all kinds of things high school girls and 20 somethings girls and 30 something girls and 40 something girls and moms and librarians and the Golden Girls dream about doing with a guy like him.

And THAT, my friends is why the much ballyhooed “leg hitch” is important!

We ain’t talkin’ trailer hitches!
Themoonisdown

So why do you think the leghitch is so important to us? Why is it important to Edward and Bella. What’s the BIG deal??


*We do not actually call each other Font and Moon in real life. Thank god. This is weird enough*

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Appreciation for the supporting cast

We love the Twilight supporting cast- we really do. From Butcrack Santa to Tequila Tomas, and Big Daddy Lautner to Michael Oregano we can’t get enough of them. Even if they were killed off in the first movie, don’t really exist or aren’t really ‘cast’ members- they are in our hearts. We’re not alone in our love for the smaller parts of the Twilight cast:
secret
Dear Twilight,
secret
I would like to express my appreciation for your supporting characters who don’t get as much time in the limelight as the main cast:

Thank you for staring at me, my young friends...

Aro– Thanks for being a traditional vamp. You’re an intriguingly odd blend of hand wringing, “My Precious” coveting, Golum mixed with Paul Reubens from the Buffy movie. Your cat-playing-with-a-mouse demeanor just kills. I may have even dabbled a little in Team Aro on occasion (just briefly and ’cause I’m old). But alas, Aro, I don’t think you’d be on my team, ifyouknowwhatimsayin.


Jane’s Eyebrows- Above that fabulous smokey eye is a well groomed, but very prominently wide eyebrow. It’s comforting. It takes me back to my early childhood in the 80’s where eyebrows were encouraged to run wild. It was a simplier time for eyebrows, back then. Brooke Shield’s -before-she-was-peddling-Latisse caterpillers were “the Rachel” of the eyebrow world. True, we have Rob’s free range eyebrows, but they are an entity all to themselves. Jane’s eyebrows are a waxed, 2nd cousin to Robs. If Rob is Team Eyebrow’s pitcher, Jane is the teams first baseman.
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Anna Kendricks Boobs– Seriously, you could bake cookies on that rack and everyone appreciates a good boob. Daily, I am awash in a sea of clevage (Snow, are you a stripper? No. Are you a mammogram tech? No… I just live in the OC) and all I can say is Nice Tits. Go Team Boobs!
secret
Carlisle’s Scarf Collection– Carlisle, I’m jealous and I admire your appreciation of neckware. You’ve seen centuries of neckcessories come and go, from Ruffs, to Cravats, to Ascots, to Neckties, and now scarves. I bet you have some cashmere beauties tucked away. Caius likes scarves too. Were you two, like, scarf buddies back in the day? Team Scarf? (OK I just pictured the opening scarf scene from “Basic Instinct” and now I’m a little creeped out). Anyway, I’d love any of your cast offs. Mmmmm I bet they smell delicious.
Secret
Jacob’s Teary Wolf Eye– Oh how you made me howl with sadness and oh how I was Team Jacobed in that moment. The “Academy” should give a nod to The Eye. The Eye made me feel. The Eye can ACT. (OK, maybe I’m projecting here because my dog gives me the same sad eye, hang head, dejectedly skulks out of the room whenever he catches me putting on non-dog walking shoes. Guilt is powerful). Oh Sad Wolf Eye, how you break my heart.
secret
Ashley Greene’s Painted on Bikini Pictures– Many of us have that pesky 15 5 pounds to lose. I lost 4 lbs. following the What Would Ashley Eat diet. On “What Would Ashley Eat”, or W.W.A.E. for short, One simply asks herself when, say, choosing a salad dressing, would Ashley pick Bleu Cheese? HALE No. She’d probably use lemon juice and salt &pepper. Lemon is a great diet aide. You don’t get those fierce hollow cheeks without suckin some sour. For that 9 PM snack, when dinner just wasn’t quite enough, instead of reaching for crackers (would Ashley? No), grab some almonds and a big glass of tequilla organic fat free milk. I’m thinkin there is another component to this diet, like What Would Ashley Throw-up, but I’m not going to go there.
secret
Appreciating the supporting cast like a good bra,
snowwhitedrifted


Don’t forget Angela’s camera! And what about that kid who almost kills Bella with his car? And MRS. Cope! Poor flustered by 17-year-old Edward-Cullen, Mrs. Cope! What secondary “Characters” do YOU love!?

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter