Tonight on a very special “To Catch a Predator”…

Dear Taylor Lautner lovers, counting down the days until he turns 18 (56),

What would happen if you had the opportunity to meet up with Taylor Lautner? Sarah (comment name SEM) shared with us a story of one lucky woman who did just that or so she thought…Call it fan fiction; call it a work of art; call it so realistic it’s a bit disturbing; We just call it EPICNESS (and hope you don’t call Chris Hansen on us).

To Catch a Predator

I arrived at the nondescript little house around 4 p.m. As I pulled my generic automobile into the driveway, I noticed I was shaking a little. Did I have a sense of foreboding? Did I suspect what trouble lay around the bend? Was I just super-uber excited about getting to meet Taylor Lautner?

It’s hard to say. Sure, like any red-blooded woman I was thrilled about meeting the sexier half of Swiftner. But if I was being honest with myself, I did find it a little odd that I had met Taylor in a chat room a few weeks ago and was meeting him in person in what amounted to BFE, Middle America. It didn’t seem logical that Taylor would live anywhere near there, but I figured with his money he might have properties all over the place. And it did have its charms. It was the kind of small town you’d see in a typical 1950s filmstrip about wholesomeness.

But I didn’t feel wholesome. Who knows why. Maybe it was because I was meeting him for the first time at his home instead of in a public place. Maybe I was experiencing a sort of compulsory nervousness that accompanies all first dates. Or maybe it was the fact that the instant messages I had been sending the as-yet-underaged TaycobSexxy8Pak@perv-sting.com for the last 6 weeks had been categorically debauched. Whatever it was, I was uneasy.

My jitters caused me to drop my tote bag on the way to the door. I told myself to get a grip. He’s just another guy. He’s probably nervous too. I rapped lightly on the door. There was no answer. I knocked a little harder. Nothing. What, does he think I can just use some tree limbs like the uneven parallel bars and then ricochet off the side of his house directly into his bedroom? I’m fast, but I’m not that fast. Finally I heard a young man’s voice from inside the house.

“It’s open. Just come on in.”

Okay, he’s not even gonna come to the door. I know he’s underaged, but he’s old enough to know what bad manners that is…

I opened the door and slowly stepped across the threshold. I didn’t immediately observe anything out of the ordinary, though the décor was admittedly Spartan. Perhaps he had just recently moved in. Hanging in the hallway was a portrait of Taylor with what appeared to be a grandparent. He’s sentimental… That’s hott.

Looking for Taylor, I stepped into the kitchen. The plain pine cabinets, beige linoleum floor, and outdated appliances made the room appear dour despite the light color palette. In the center of the room was a plain pine island surrounded by wooden stools. Something about this house, especially this room, was familiar, but I couldn’t pinpoint where I might have seen it.

Just then he called out from a room farther back down the hallway: “I’m just gonna throw a load of towels into the washer. I’ll be right out.”

This isn’t right… Something is very wrong. Why hasn’t he come out to say hi? Why is he doing laundry when he should be doing me? Why did that picture of he and his grandmother look like someone cut out one of Taylor’s magazine covers and grafted it onto the picture that came with the frame?

At that moment he uttered the words that I immediately recognized as the harbingers of disaster:

“I made some sweet tea. Go ahead and pour yourself a glass. I’ll be right out.”

I realized instantly why the house was so familiar. About 3 things I was absolutely positive. First, I had not been corresponding with the real Taycob. Second, a part of my online conversations – and I didn’t know how large a part – were going to be exposed on network television. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably busted.

Uh oh. Who caught her? Read on after the jump!

Pledging to LTT

Dear LTT Pledges,

The Twilight Sisterhood has been having pledge month this June & we thought of how amazing it would be if we did that here at LTT.

We’re pretty easy-going Sisters, and we only require one task from the following list of initiations to be achieved in order to be accepted into our sorority:

• 

  Yep, make him take off the monkey costume & run around nude with him

  Streak naked at a 100Monkey’s show and get Marty, the bananager, to join you. Yell “JASPER” at the top of your lungs the entire time.

• Eat only Twilight conversation hearts for breakfast lunch and dinner ’till you’re rushed to the hospital with sudden onset diabetes.
• Insist that all band aids you receive while AT the hospital be Hot Topic Twilight band aids.
• Head on over to a neighboring sorority or frat and rip a tree (roots intact) out of the ground while screaming “AS IF YOU COULD FIGHT ME OFF.”
• Act out chapter 32 of Wide Awake fan fiction with a male friend, at a church pot luck. In a park. Against a tree. (yep, it’s that chapter)
• Read the mind of the hottest guy at work or school & write down his thoughts in Edward’s calligraphy (And if his thought happens to be “Be Safe”– you’ll get something extra special. Like Sam Bradley’s email address)
• Run miles around a high school wearing a gray peacoat only stopping when you see a van approaching. Stop it with your hand, even if it’s just pulling into a parking spot, safely.
• 

  For extra credit, you & Kristen could also become the newest spokeswomen for PBR

  Invite & successfully get Kristen Stewart to join you at a Nascar race where you will ALSO need to have a mullet, like she currently has, and drink Pabst Blue Ribbons until you strip off your clothes and do a ho photoshoot on Dale Jr’s hood (that’s what she said).

• Buy a Volvo. Drive from New York to Forks, WA in 12 hours or under while making home-made mushroom ravioli (I don’t wanna hear that this is impossible to do while driving. Figure it out)
• Kill, filet & bread a mountain lion in Harry Clearwater’s famous fish fry (fine- if you can’t find Harry’s fish fry, you can use whatever your local market sells)

Good luck and may the best pledges win!

Love your favorite sisters,
UnintendedChoice & theMoonisDown

Thanks to: Kristen, EastFriend, WestFriend & Moon, for without you I would have to stay up much later

a secret message about how rob will love you forever if you pick our name

Name our sorority: We’re serious. We want a name for our sorority. Even though it’s kinda a pretend sorority. Who cares. Name contest happening NOW. Leave your ideas in the comments. Winner gets automatic entrance into this kinda fake, but sorta real sorority. And first crack at Rob at our first frat/sorority mixer.

a secret message about how rob will love you forever if you pick our name

Introducing: Blurbs from the Forum topic Mods.

We had some weird forum issues this week. Kristin emailed and said this:

Good news is though, my whole gateway 504 issue is resolved! I was apparently riding the techno short bus…now I’m all up to speed and I even get to have recess with the normal kids! yay!

and Calliope, who apparently did not have the same “Gateway 504” issues with the forum said this:

this is me shaking my head up and down and smiling at you and pretending to have even the slightest effing clue as to what you are talking about while i’m mentally undressing rob.

a secret message about how rob will love you forever if you pick our name

What’s going on in our world? The following:

• Rob has a question for us over on LTR
• The Forum is buzzing with activity. Wanna see why? Check it
• Follow us on Twitter & help us get to 2,000 followers this weekend!
• Lauren from Lauren’s Bite is hosting a give-away. GO WIN
• I have a wedgie so far up my butt I’m not sure it’s ever gonna come out (not true- just seeing if anyone reads this far…..crickets….)

Ashley Greene, Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning praying in the name of Rob in Italy

Dear Ashley, Kristen and Dakota-

I see that Kellan finally wore you down and you had a meeting of the girls accountability group of New Moon and decided to induct Dakota Fanning into the fold… how sweet of you gals!

Say 'Facebook!' No say 'Rob DO ME!'

First, Ashley decided to document the occasion because of course my BFF is like me and will inevitably scrapbook the moment for posterity to remember the day Dakota joined the league of girls “Praying and Fasting for a better New Moon.” The movement originally started by our dear Lula and continues till November 20 when we will find out if our prayers have been answered. Obviously you girls know how important this is so you started off the meeting with a round of prayer…

Kristen Stewart was just at a Women of the Word conference (obviously) and decided to begin after feeling the leading of the Holy Spirit and it went a little something like this…

KStew: Dear God we come to you today in front of the paparazzi and the crazy psycho set stalkers to say we are so thankful to be sweating our boobs off  filming here in Italy and want to welcome our newest sister in the Lord the Meyer, Dakota Fanning. Let her light shine to all she comes in contact with, though not Rob because he should only be seeing MY light, but anyway we ask for a hedge of protection around Dakota from all the whacky Pattinson pants girls and scary Twimoms, keep her safe and away from their Chico’s daywear grasp…

Dakota: Dear God, thank you for these special girls and may we all become closer than fake lesbians now that NReed is out of the picture… oh and an extra special blessing for my agent and manager for making a teen girls dream come true by taking me away from Oscar potential scripts and getting me this two-bit part and bringing me this much closer to Robert Pattin-

*interrupting* KStew: Uh that’s enough Dakota, don’t want to wear you out the first time, ASHLEY your turn, NOW!

Ashley: Huh? uh.. OH! I’m up… Dear God, after this whole accountability thingy is over please please please let us find an open Sephora store here in Montepulciano because all of us are out of concealer! Seriously, look at us, we’re out in public praying on a rooftop looking haggard, we NEED some MAC ‘studio stick’ coverage stat. Oh and please impress upon Jackson’s heart that he should ‘kiss groupies goodbye’ and shack up with me instead. Uh and thanks for Dakota, her presence helps give this little dog and pony show we call New Moon some much needed credibility.

And we all said AAAAAAMEN!

Then the always classy Kristen gave the watching paparazzi a little one finger blessing…

Jesus loves you too!!

Spoken like a true prophetess! Don’t miss KStew on BET’s Sunday Best and next year on tour with Juanita Bynum bringing the word like only SHE can!

Your sister in the Meyer,
Themoonisdown

PS Don’t forget to check out our daily letters to Rob and see UC get him drunk!
Oh and chat about it all over at the forum!

Robert Pattinson and Emile Hirsch work Kristen Stewart

Blonde Kristen bosses his around

Dear Kristen,

Did you about DIE when you saw who went out to dinner last night? Yep- Emile Hirsch (your co-star in Into the Wild, of course) and Robert Pattinson (your lover uh special friend?) You were probably shakin’ in your fugly hipster shoes, wondering what they were talking about, right? Don’t worry… we sent our spies in with a tape recorder and they caught the entire conversation. Enjoy!

Love,
UnintendedChoice and theMoonisDown

Brunette Kristen lets him lead

Scene: In a dimly lit restaurant called Michaelangelo in Cannes, France. Emile Hirsch sits across from Robert Pattinson. Rob picks up his fork and puts a ravioli in his mouth. Emile picks up his fork, like he’s about to indulge in a piece of chicken parm, but stops and says,

Emile: So how you likin’ Kristen? The girl can hang, ifyouknowwhati’msayin’
Rob: (almost choking, realizing the conversation they’re about to have…) Uh, she’s great. We’re good friends. How did you like working with her?
Emile: Well man, to tell you the truth, she knows how she wants it to be done. We had to take our time on everything. “Slow and easy wins the race” was her motto
Rob: Really? she was more timid with me. Allowed me to lead
Emile: WOW we must be talking a different gal cause she was insane. Always commanding me how to do it and which way was best. Fast, slow, again- time after time. Totally wore me out
Rob: (somewhat defensively) Well, I mean.. I see saw that side of her…. especially when she was drinking… she got a little aggressive.
Emile: you guys drank on the job?
Rob: (a little confused) Uh, we did one time.. It was someone’s birthday, I think….
Emile: Well we didn’t drink. It was natural every time. She wanted to remember everything- be “totally in the moment,” she said
Rob: (obviously hurt b/c Kristen must’ve been drank a lot) I think being drunk loosened her up… I mean… she said it was fun.. but maybe… I dunno… maybe she….
Emile: (cutting Rob off) Wow, man! This sounds like a totally different Kristen, every time we were in front of cameras she brought her A game
Rob: She let you use a camera? I tried that once, but she freaked out- something about something that happened with Paris Hilton one time
Emile: (blank scare… and silence….. )
Rob: (awkward rambling now) It was a good thing anyway, because then Oregano knocked on the hotel door… and she flipped out and couldn’t find her clothes. which was ironic because it was her first time doing it completely naked- she usually keeps at least one article of clothing on.. she claims it’s some sort of “protection” thing.. (although I really just think she’s a “never nude”) It was a mess dude. Taught me to never eff your costars!
Emile: (silence) Uh wait, what are we talking about here?
Rob: uh… hooking up with Kristen?
Emile: (silence)
Rob: (sensing his discomfort) I mean, I didn’t know for sure that you guys did.. She never told me- she doesn’t talk about her exes like that (well, except for Oregano) so when you started talking about it, I just rolled with it and pretended I knew… sorry… It’s kinda awkward isn’t it? Wondering if she compared us…. I mean-
Emile: (cutting Rob off) Dude, you asked me about working with Kristen. I was just talking about acting with her!
Rob: Uh, what? Ummm. Hmm?… oh look- there’s a Russian chick with big boobs…!

Welcome to our first LTT “Role Play.” Don’t worry, we DID joke about putting on lingere and said “let’s cyber” at least 3 times. And we even have a “safe word” (cinnamon). Also- we felt way 2nd hand embarrassed, yet we suffered through it- because that’s what good bloggers do- role play awkward situations between two somewhat sorta greasy actors….

After the break see an amazing video of Emile & Rob. Watch out! It’s really amazing: