Open Weekend Post: Inspired by stuff I find when I’m not trying

Dear LTTers,

While I’m just perusing the interwebs, researching for my latest letter, looking for pretty pictures of Edward & Bella to go with my latest post, I come across shit I wish I didn’t have to see.

Today I decided I’ve had enough. You have to see it as well:

And I’ll leave us with that. Because we HAVE to discuss…. is that Alice telling Renesmee an old fairytale about her and Jasper? Or is Jacob copping a feel??

Going to take a shower,
UnintendedChoice

All the beautiful images were found by googling “Breaking Dawn,” but I don’t suggest you try it

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter

What ever happened to…

Dear LTTers,

We’ve been with you for awhile now and over the past year and 4 months we’ve talked about a lot. A lot of themes and characters have come and gone. Some people who were SO vital to our – err- organization are like distant memories. Today we begin a new series where we dig into the past and find out whatever happened to… whoever we’ve sadly stopped talking about. First on today’s list…..

Buttcrack Santa

After his wild success playing the role of “Buttcrack Santa” in Twilight in 2008, Ned Bellamy went on to star as a secondary, mostly-forgotten character in a few episodes of 2 different, barely watched television shows and as the highly popular character named “Cabinet Member” in the television series 24. No- I got that wrong. He was the “character name “Cabinet Member” in the highly popular television series 24. He has not yet worked in 2010.

In his spare time he either writes or reads one-shot fan fic about himself:

Just in time for Christmas! This is what I think happened during the “butt-crack Santa incident”. Written in Waylon’s POV One-shot.

Seeing Bella all grown up reminded me of the last time I saw her. It was Christmas. Charlie brought four-year-old Bella to a Christmas party. I decided to suprise the kids and dress up like Santa Clause. Well, the suit was a little big, so I stuffed it with a few pillows.

At about seven o’clock, I came out to give out the presents. All the kids lit up, especially Bella. I gave out all the presents from under the tree. There was one last present left, but the bow was stuck on a branch. I bent down to get it unstuck and I heard some giggling. I thought it was just from getting the present caught on the tree, but Bella blurted out, “Ew! Butt crack!” Everyone laughed. I pulled the sagging Santa pants up and finally got the present unstuck and gave it to it’s owner. The rest of the party went fine, but I didn’t get up from the couch the rest of the night. When Charlie was about to leave to take Bella home, he patted me on the back and said, “Good job, butt-crack Santa.” Bella giggled and they went home.

A.N.: Now, wasn’t that a good holiday Pick-me-up? Now click that little green button below and give me a nice, tasty review!

P.S. Beware of ill-fitting Santa suits!

(Go review that fic & make that writer’s- aka Ned Bellamy’s- day)

The 100 Monkeys

Once known for their ability to write a hit song about an every day object found in the puffy-painted canvas tote of a fan club member, the 100 Monkeys have seemed quiet as of late. Or has it just been our incredible lack of care for Jackson Rathbone as compared to the other cast members like we were accused of in a recent fan letter:

Hooray- a way for you to make up for your inexcusable neglect of Jackson Rathbone- have you been covering the 100 City tour?  did you have pictures of the black eye? did you write about the Hard Rock Las Vegas brouhaha? have you shown us awesome Last Airbender trailers?  noooo it’s all about Kellen in underwear ads and Taylor’s father for some unfathomable reason.

Anyway here’s your chance to make it all up.  Jackson and the 100 Monkeys will be in Philadelphia April 8th at the North Star and it would be lovely if you would attend and tell us about it.

Coco

secret

Unfortunately I was busy on April 8th ogling pictures of Kellan Lutz in his undewear and photoshopping Big Daddy Lautner getting stuck in the drive thru window of a McDonalds and couldn’t make the show. However, maybe in a few years I’ll think about attending one again after my ears heal from the last time I saw the band in Philadelphia.

secret

However, in keeping with the theme of “Whatever happened to” and in no way writing this to appease Coco (even though I love nothing more than to bend over backwards for someone’s bitchy request), I did some research on the band. The Monkeys now have a pretty cool-looking website and seem to still run around town with Marty the Bananager. They are reconsidering his role in the band as the banana suit smells so bad that it’s actually keeping the girls away. This spring the band is on a 100 city tour and Jackson latest “look” is turning me- normally a lover of hippie, dirty rock boys- into a lesbian. Their music is just as bad- if not worse- than when I first saw them a year ago. Believe me, I just spent the last 5 minutes listening to clips of their songs on the “100 Monkeys Jukebox” praying for something I could tolerate. I came up empty handed.

secret

On the new website, there is a “Chatter” section where their fans can discuss the latest color of puffy paint to use on their canvas Monkey bag & share with each other (and hope that the band will take a peek too) the most recent art inspired by the band. For example:

This beautiful masterpiece

Or this- the best Jackson has looked in 2 whole years:

(I actually like this- shhh don't tell)

And I’m so happy to have finally found Moon’s birthday present:

Find out MORE after the jump!

Before we had the REAL thing

Dear 2007 & 2008,

I’ve been reminiscing. Reminiscing about a time before the drama of “Is David Slade or isn’t David Slade being replaced by a taller director?” and “Are Rob & Kristen really making love for hours on end in front of a fire on a bear skin rug or are they just banging quickly on a leopard printed one?” I was thinking back to YOUR time- when casting announcements were just being announced for the movies, a petition was being sent around to have Rob replaced in the films & Big Daddy hadn’t yet become a household name. Melissa Rosenberg hadn’t yet penned “How you likin’ da rain Arizona,” and Cathy Hardi was still hard at work coming up with a list of “terrible, awful, no good lines for Rob Pattinson to say when Kristen Stewart first climbs on his back.” Sigh… those were the good ol’ days.

Actually, I wasn’t around then but I would have been if I had known better. However, as I’ve read every page and seen every image the internet has to offer about the Twilight saga & its actors, I’ve discovered that things were different back then. Things were different before. Before the hype. Before the drama. Before there were promo photos, videos and interviews. Before anyone knew any better….. This stuff was made:

Back when Edward Cullen, the 21st century’s Romeo, was seen as a vampire with a mullet and loved a heroine who young enough to give Chris Hansen a MAJOR career booster.

Back when Pete Wentz was someone’s dream Edward Cullen

Back when a REAL Native American was expected to play Jacob

Back when Ronald McDonald fought a random Italian dude for Bella’s love

Back when no one was good enough for Rob Pattinson, so Ariel had to fill in

Was Ashlee Simpson someone’s dream Rosalie? Check it out after the jump!

Dear Renesmee

Dear Reneesmee, Renesemee, Renesmee, Renesmee,

First of all, can we address the spelling of your name? Every time I have to write it I have to slow down and think for a second. Or grab my Breaking Dawn book or look at a past letter where we mentioned you. It’s annoying. And I’m still not sure “Renesmee” is even how you even spell it. I get it- Mommy wanted to be all cute and pay homage to both of your grandmom’s,  but couldn’t she have just named you “Renee” or “Esme” and given you a middle name like the other gma’s? Whatever, that’s the least of what I’d change if I had my way.

Anyway, I figured it was about time I wrote to you directly. I’ve mentioned you over the past year- usually in advice letters to Jacob where I warn him that Chris Hansen is closing in- but I want to have a heart-to-heart. You see, I never really had a problem with you. I was one in the minority. Sure, I cringed a little when I realized what it meant when mommy was eating all those eggs & getting fatter. But it wasn’t a “OMG they just made a human/vampire cross-breed that’s gonna be creepy and have an inappropriate relationship with her mommy’s ex boyfriend” kind of way. It was more a “Oh shit, really Edward & Bella? Are you stupid? Your sex life is over. Don’t you know that having a baby changes EVERYTHING? Instead of hot, sweaty nights breaking headboards and tickling each other with feathers, it’s changing poopy diapers and trying to keep that wolf at bay. Your sex life is OVER” (Okay, I really have no idea as I’m not a mother, but that’s the reason I keep telling myself I don’t want kids, so it’s all I know) I also didn’t take into consideration that Aunt Rose would sort of claim you as her own and it’s really her & Uncle Emmett’s sex life that is ruined. But anyway, discussing sex with a baby is pretty creepy, so I’m gonna stop.

If I had known about this, you would have creeped me out

You didn’t creep me out. You seemed cute and I loved how your family doted on you. You definitely changed the dynamic between your mommy & daddy, and I wasn’t exactly on board- I’m an adult with a job and bills and taxes and stuff. The reason I liked your mommy and daddy is because they were innocent kids without the worries of 401ks and global warming. (What the crap? I have NEVER worried about my 401k once) And now that you’re around… well, it seems like things might get more complicated. Instead of dirty talk it’s daycare talk. Instead of where Daddy is going to whisk Mommy off for Valentine’s day it’s “Can we trust the dog to not make a move while we’re gone.” And Daddy will stop looking at Mommy when she’s looking sexy and instead say, “Have you seen our daughter!? She looks wayyyyy too sexy. I read Jacob’s mind. Lock.Her.Up.Now.” I didn’t sign up for that. But all-in-all, I liked you!

However…. things have changed. In the past year I’ve met many of those in the majority- the closest one being Moon. I’ve heard the other side of the story. The side where people DON’T overlook the creepiness that your best friend Jacob will one day do things to you that would get us all arrested if I mention them now. I was never okay with that part of the story, I’ll admit. But I let it slide because it was one blimp in my perfect fantasy world. But as I’ve had Twilosophical conversations with friends and readers & commenters and then as I’ve discovered the world of “Renesmee Fan art,” I have to admit…. I might be switching Teams. I was on “Team Renesmee as long as I can still get hot Bella & Edward scenes” but now I’m on “Team maybe the Volturi should get Renesmee but leave everyone else alone” Oh- I don’t mean that (but I kinda do) It’s just that….. you’re creepy. A baby with special abilities? Who has a relationship with a wolf who used to love her mother? A wolf that will one day become her lover?

“What? Are yo- NO! NO! How, I don’t even know what you’re say- How Ho- Whadya whayda you talking about, yo- want me to go away- I, I, I can’t, I can’t I I can’t just leave – I… (fade out)”

Yeah, mommy knows how I feel.

If it wasn't inappropriate, I'd make a doggy style joke here

So where do we go from here? How can you and I get back to the side of the minority- where I overlooked your creepiness so I could claim that, “The Twilight Saga is the best worst-written book series of all time”? I don’t know. I was going to say maybe Stephanie will write a new saga- picking up 10 years from where we left off- where you’re a full-grown adult and Jacob is allowed to have those thoughts about you like the ones he once had for your mommy. But then I realized that I bet Jacob/Renesmee fan fiction exists- I’m willing to bet my 401k on this- and I can’t imagine the creepiness. Oh, I’m sure it’s not some pedophilia stuff about you as a child with Jacob, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t care that Jacob’s body is frozen in time. Even if you are 10 with the body of a 17 year old, and Jacob is only 27 with the body of a 17 year old, you’re still TEN YEARS OLD. And he is TWENTY-SEVEN. And he kissed your MOMMY. I don’t care if that was because he loved her future unborn child that neither one of them knew about. THIS IS JUST ALL TOO CREEPY FOR ME TO HANDLE.

Also, I can’t believe I wrote an entire letter where I said Daddy & Mommy 16 times. I feel weird. I’m gonna go get drunk now- like a proper adult.

Love (sort of),
Aunt UnintendedChoice

Let’s talk Renesmee. Do you love her? Did you love her? Are you creeped out? Discuss!

And if you’re NOT creeped out, you will be after you see this:

Click. Seriously now. Click

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Twilight stuff that should not exist…. then some that should

Dear Twilight art lovers,

While we’re waiting for the leg hitch anything from David Slade & Summit, I thought we’d take a stroll through the Twilight Saga Art Gallery to see what’s new. What I love about this saga is all the crap it provides that I can make fun of that with each new movie, more and more people are inspired to make horrifying beautiful art. I hope their inspiration doesn’t wane. And I hope that with the new stills of Eclipse that we’re sure to see any day now and the eventual images of Taylor Lautner and a little girl from Toddlers and Tiara’s and the shots of Kristen Stewart with a prosthetic pregnant stomach when Breaking Dawn starts filming, some creative artists will make us drawings, paintings, sculptures and finger puppets so that the images of Taylor and a baby and Kristen with child can be etched in our minds forever. And with just the touch of a button and the virtual swipe of a credit card on Etsy, we can each have a physical reminder of the incredible creepiness of the storyline of a grown boy imprinting on a child powerful story of love between Edward & Bella.

First, an artful homage to Jacob Black

Good thing she copywrote this drawing. I was about to make 1,000 copies and sell them at the Remember Me premiere in March for Rob to sign. (Instead I’ll just bring him my Twilight books)

Something for your baby to wear in the church nursery

Oh you think this is just an attractive pic of Taylor Lautner shirtless? I did too. Look closely at what he’s touching

Let’s not forget about Jasper

The crazy thing is, he actually looks better here than he does in the movies….

And how about a little Robsten art love?

These little upside-down clay pots representing Bella & Edward come with a cardboard cut out of the Meadow scene for you to act out when your husband is asleep!

Don’t ask why. Ask why not!

Thankfully, there is GOOD Twilight art out there. Follow the jump to see some that might be new to you!

Thankful for David Slade (hopefully)

Dear David Slade,

I was asked to write a letter about what I’m thankful for this Twi-giving—I mean, Thanksgiving.  I couldn’t think of anything.  I mean, I’m grateful for the usual stuff like having a house to live in and not being dead from some horrible disease.  But relative to Twilight, I’ve got nothing left to say that hasn’t been said before.

So instead, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that you’re going to deliver an incredible movie with Eclipse.  In advance, I thank you for the following:

This is all I ask...

The Leg Hitch.
I know you already have this “in the can”.  If Jesus loves me, and the song tells me He does, you spent six weeks of your filming schedule on the leg hitch alone.  Like those action movies where they show the car exploding from eight points of view, so should you show the Hitch from every possible vantage point.  Front angles, back angles, aerial views, slo-mo, hidden cameras in the inseam of Bella’s pajama pants–I want it all.  Also, sound effects are pivotal here.  No music (unless you can convince Tom Jones to let you use “You Can Leave Your Hat On”—that would be epic).  Only the sound of fabric-on-fabric as Edward slides Bella’s leg over his hip.  I know you won’t let me down.  So thank you for that.

Please, God. No

The Ring.
Edward’s mother’s ring.  The one he guilts Bella into letting him give her.  You’re not cheaping out on this one, are you?  Because you know that Hot Topic is going to sell a replica of it, and you know that I’m going to buy it and wear it around just like I had good sense.  So you hired a real jeweler to create the most stunning engagement ring, and you didn’t pay any attention to the way Stephenie Meyer described it, because it sounds god-awful big and tacky in the book.  You did these things because you love me, and because I’m faithful enough to thank you in advance, and because you don’t want to see eight million shoddy imitations of an ugly ring at the premiere.  I know you did.  Thank you.

Why aren't my camping trips like this?

The Tent Scene.
I want to know what EXACTLY Edward is seeing in Jacob’s mind during the tent scene. I don’t care if it appears in a poorly superimposed thought bubble above Taylor’s head, so long as I see Jacob doing all the freaky stuff he wants to do to/with Bella. You’ve certainly filmed this in glorious detail, you dirty, tiny man. I appreciate it.

The Soundtrack.
I know you’ve already got a message in with Tom Jones’ people about “You Can Leave Your Hat On”, but I’m hoping you’re working on getting rights to “I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls for that non-canon “Edward alone in his room” scene you filmed.  Also, we haven’t gotten any decent rap songs with the franchise, and I heard 50 Cent say he was a fan.  You’ve taken advantage of this to get Fiddy to do a cameo as the entertainment Alice hired for the graduation party, haven’t you?  You’re the tops.

So, Dave, you have a pair of giant yellow pants to fill now that we’ve seen the DILF’s New Moon. Today I’ve given you preemptive thanks, which will be revoked immediately upon a poorly delivered leg hitch, a detail free tent scene, a gaudy ring or a boring soundtrack.  Don’t make me hunt you down in June.

Gratefully,

Tiffanized

P.S. Seriously, though, I’m thankful for Moon and UC, who, despite presumably having real jobs and living three thousand miles apart, manage to seamlessly bring us Twilight-related content with heaping side dishes of snark every day.  Even Sunday.  I’ll admit to being so lazy I don’t even read on the weekends.  Anyway, I’m not just saying this because I’m three days late handing in this assignment.  Without Bunny and Noreen I’d be on some other Twi-site, in a sea of Twimoms and squealing fourteen-year-olds, with the WordPress user name “Mrs. Cullen”, posting comments like, “ZOMG Rob is so HAWT ZOMG I want to marry him and have all his babies.”  Actually, I think I’ve made that exact comment on here before, so nix that.  The point is, Moon and UC make me work for it, make me laugh, and generally make me feel normal.  Thank you ladies.

Tiffanized- we love you. And you brought tears to my eyes. First from laughter and then from sappy feelings. It might be the anticipation of the pie I can smell in the other room though, so don’t get too big of a head. 🙂 We love you. And are thankful that YOU are a part of our community! XO

Member we’re busy with holiday stuff this weekend so patience getting comments approved! In the meantime:
Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

A Twilight blogger in need of help

Dear LTT Fashionistas,

I need help. I have a really important event to go to, and I need to make a really good impression. It’s important that I be ‘set apart’ at this event and really show my unique “UC-ness.” I thought of a few things- I love cats so I could wear whiskers (scratchy). I love cupcakes and I could constantly eat one (fattening). Then it hit me. Duh. Twilight.

So here’s what I have picked out for my outfit so far:

The shirt

Custom made t-shirt from this pattern found here via the ever helpful Google images.

The Pants

Pattinson Pants lady won’t return my call (I think she’s mad that we won’t post her TomStu pants- we told her “We don’t run letterstostu.com, Pattinson Pants lady”…) so I’m improvising here, but I’m pretty happy with how my very own “Creepy pics of Rob Pattinson Pants” came out:

The Shoes

I’ve had  my eye on these bad boys ever since I posted them in the Twilight art gallery a few months ago.  What a perfect time to break them in!

The Bag

This is where you all come in. I need help. There are so many options and I don’t know what to do.  Let me know which of the following bags are your favorite to complete my outfit:

There are SO many good options and it’s SO hard to decide! HELP!

(Psst: here is the outfit so far…. You can see how it really needs one of those bags to complete the look!)

Good catch! I DID leave a little room to show off my belly. Sexy, huh?

Thanks for your help! I’m really gonna SHINE at this event!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

PS: Just in case: How to tell if someone is using sarcasm

Discuss my outfit on The Forum
Tell Rob how jealous you are of my hottness on LTR

To the bag lady and cover purses lady on Etsy. Thank you for the beautiful items of which I can make fun.

And Thank you, April, for finding the perfect bag options to go along with my outfit!

Twilight museum of art (and crap)

Dear Fans of LTT and Fans of art,

We spend so much time making fun of things on LTT that I bet most people think Moon & I are the meanest people in real life. We’re not usually. I thought it was time to celebrate some of the beautiful things that come out of the fandom. Cuz there are some. I’m being serious. Don’t think that I’m gonna pretend like they’re great & then show you the most second-hand embarrassing art EVER that surely would star in the “Second-Hand Embarrassing Art Museum” in Manhattan (that doesn’t exist… yet)

Let’s stroll together through the Twilight Museum of Art….

This scene found on google images beautifully depicts the theme of racism throughout the Twilight Saga. Wait. Were you aware of those themes? That instead of being a story of girl stuck between vampire & werewolf it’s really a story of a girl choosing between those paler than her or darker than her? Me neither. Okay, so maybe that’s not what the artist was trying to say, but isn’t art in the eye of the beholder? That’s what I saw here, but I still think it’s beautiful!

Alice, drawn by Rinian, looks as cute as I had pictured her while reading the series. I wish I could be best friends with a cartoon character

LOVE this picture of Bella and the two different colored ribbons representing the choice she has to make. Also love that she seems like a ballerina because, I don’t know about you, but I could’ve used less of a klutzy Bella.  By shirohato

This is my favorite piece that I’m sharing with you on our journey through the Twilight museum of art. The artist explained that this is a representation of Rosalie’s unhappy ending. If you look closely you’ll see her ghost in the picture, too. I have goosebumps. Found here on deviant art

There is so much Bella & Edward art out there. Mostly because there are so many great pictures of Robert & Kristen together- so people just use their pictures as inspiration. While often times they can be good (although mostly they’re not), I love this because it’s the artist’s vision of Edward & Bella. Plus added with the quote from New Moon (appropriate placed- not inked in an armpit or doodled on the back of a minivan) it’s incredibly powerful! Found here

See! Wasn’t that fun!? To take a walk through the Twilight art gallery and, maybe laugh a little less, but instead be inspired!? And Look at me! I am being so nice today. Come on- you have to admit it, you like nice UC….

Fine… it’s hard for me too.. I’ll cave… after the jump, enjoy the good stuff….

A Twilight-themed Wedding

Dear UC & Moon,

I am writing to ask for your advice. I have recently gotten engaged & I was reading Eclipse & noticed Stephenie’s description of Bella’s Ring. My ring sounds almost identical! It was my fiancee’s grandmothers. I can’t believe the similarities between Bells & myself.  I met my fiancee when I was 17 and we fell in love very quickly.  Some would say we were a little obsessed with each other.  Well, after a few months, my now fiancee left me.  Yes- just like when Edward left Bella. It was basically a huge misunderstanding, but I was depressed for months. I lost 4 pounds and barely slept. After 2 months we got back together and have been together ever since! Isn’t that crazy?! Just like Bella & Edward! His name is Stu. I call him my Stuward. Anyway, when I realized the ring was just like Bella’s, it got me thinking- why don’t I have a Twilight-themed wedding!? Could you or your readers help me come up with ideas?

Love,
Twi-Bride to Be

Dear Twi-Bride to be,

YES! We love planning parties- planning a wedding can’t be that much different. And we LOVE Twilight, so combining a wedding with Twilight is a Win Win idea all around! This is so up our alley. We have 10 suggestions for you and some pictures that will hopefully provide inspiration!

1. The Books: First of all, we definitely recommend bringing Eclipse & Breaking Dawn with you whenever you meet with vendors for your wedding- especially for those very important dress shopping trips. You should make sure to always be thinking with your “Cullen eyes”- think about everything the way that Alice, Bella or Edward would…. (probably focus on the Alice part- Bella Eyes might take you to David’s Bridal! Oh the horror!)
2. Glitter: Don’t forget to adorn yourself in glitter. You need to be a sparkling beauty for all your guests. If The Stuward is a unique guy (and it sounds like he is) he might want to adorn himself in glitter as well.  For added effect, why don’t you have his chest exposed slightly- just have the buttons done half-way and have his jacket open.  If you have the extra money, dim the lights in the room & have a spotlight shine directly on his chest (that way the audience will really see him sparkle)
3. Bridesmaid flowers: Instead of flowers, your bridesmaids should carry red, satin ribbons. If you’re at a loss for the perfect bridesmaid accessory, why don’t you fashion a mask out of the eclipse ribbon? The girls can hold it up to their eyes when they feel it’s appropriate
4. Music: Walk down the aisle to something from the Twilight soundtrack.  It depends on what you’re like. If you want a party atmosphere, we suggest Perry Farrell’s “Go all the way.” If you’d like something more somber, maybe walk down to “Clair de Lune.” That’s probably a good choice as it’s pretty unique and probably hasnt’ been done in many weddings. If you want my honest opinion, I’d suggest walking down to “Never Think” by Robert Pattinson.  How beautiful would it be to walk toward your Stuward hearing the guy who played Edward sing a song? I have chills thinking of the moment…
5. The Vows: I know it’s trendy to write your own vows these days, but wouldn’t it be even trendier to have Edward & Bella write them for you? (Or… Stephenie Meyer?) Why don’t you try using only quotes from the 4 books (The Stuward could include some from Midnight Sun, if he wishes). Here is a quick example:To my darling Twi-Bride to be: Trust me. You look…sexy. Your number was up the first time I met you. I hope you enjoy dissapointment. It makes me…anxious… to be away from you. Do you really have any idea how important you are to me? Any concept at all of how much I love you? Look after my heart — I’ve left it with you. And the sound of your heart. It’s the most significant sound in my world. Tell me what you want, and you can have it. All of my best nights have happened since I met you. You love me more than I deserve.
6. The Centerpieces: We think your centerpieces could incorporate a little bit of everything from the book series. Might we suggest bringing a little bit of Isle Esme to your reception hall? How about starting with a replica of a headboard (if you want to really get crazy- crack it!) glue on some feathers, add an apple or two, place a few chess pieces strategically in the center & top it off with some of the ribbons your bridesmaids will be carrying- you’ll represent the books but also have something sensual for you and your Stuward to enjoy.
7. Flowers: The only flower you should use is the ruffled tulip- like the one on the front of New Moon. You could even give them out as your gifts- with a little card attached that says:”The lion fell in love with the lamb. But then he left the lamb for a little while, but then he came back and now the lion and lamb are married. Thank you for sharing in our joy”
8. The garter: After The Stuward removes the garter from your leg, when he’s walking around, hands in the air doing a celebratory dance, he should yell “I AM Spider Monkey.” It can be your little secret sign to each other about the monkey-business that will happen later that evening.
9. Blood: Obviously you can’t serve cups of blood at your reception (although that would be cool!) but you can pretend that you are! Dye everything red- use red wine, dye the water red, serve Bloody Marys & red jello shots. Spill red spots all over the white tableclothes – Ooh dip the edge of your dress in red dye!
10. The Honeymoon: I assume you’re saving your virtue for your wedding night, as Bella & Edward did, so that’s taken care of. Have you been searching for french lingere? You know that’s the only kind Alice would approve of.  Just a few honeymoon tips from a gal who’s already experienced her Isle Esme: Use lines in the Twilight series’ as dirty talk.  We already mentioned “Spider Monkey” above, but that comes in handy quite often. You have no idea what it does to a guy when he hears “Spider Monkey” roll off your tounge. Another good one is “My Monkey Man.” (especially appropriate when he shows you his banana for the first time)  When you’re ready to see your Stuward in the buff, demand to see his “Buttcrack Santa.” He’ll get a laugh out of it and it will ease the tension.  You could even get him a little Santa hat and have him wear that (and only that) for your first time!

Please please PLEASE send us pictures so that we can see what it turned out like! (We’d especially like to see The Stuward in that Santa hat!) Good luck & Congratulations!
you are an idiot if you mirror yoru wedding after twilight

Love,

UC & Moon

don’t be an idiot

Don’t ever do this for your wedding. Don’t ever ever ever ever ever mirror your wedding after a book about vampires. Ever. If you do decide not to take our advice, use the following art board for inspiration:

twilight wedding by kissthegirl

and use this:

AND NOTHING ELSE: Do not google “twilight-themed wedding inspiration” DON’T DO IT! You will regret it….

i heart rob

Have a question for your Aunties Moon & UC? Email it to us at letterstotwilight@gmail.com & we would be happy to answer it and maybe even feature you as a post!

rob hearts me back

Today is the last day! Send us in your Twi-Porn for our Porn-off with The Twilight Sisterhood!

Perfect Sunday activity: The Twilight Art Gallery

Dear Art lovers,

It’s Sunday- the perfect day to take a stroll scroll through the Twilight Art Gallery.

First up, we have a beautiful depiction of what it is like when Jacob dreams of Bella:

Apparently Jacob dreams that Bella has a brown bear coming out of her head. And Raven claws for hands...

You can find this masterpiece on Etsy for a mere $8.00

Next we have a beautiful pencil drawing of Edward:

Edward "Crooked-face" Cullen

This, also available on Etsy, is a steal for $5.00

Our next artist has done a beautiful job depicting what Edward might look like as a drag queen.

Unfortunately, "Drag Queen Edward" was not her intended result...

Add this to your collection of “Handsome men turned drag queen creepers” for a mere $15

And last but not least, introducing the perfect addition to your outfit the next time you stalk Robert Pattinson in a foreign country, men’s bathroom or the secret garage under his hotel:

I'm less afraid of the BIG BAD WOLF than I am of these shoes...

Perfecting your outfit for Rob Pattinson stalking does not come cheap. These custom shoes are $130.

This concludes our Sunday tour of the Twilight Art Gallery. I hope you are inspired!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Thanks for Sara & Li Li for the links!

Cleanse your mind with actual good Twilight art: Bella and Deepest Loss

*Etsy links not shown to protect the artist we are making fun of honoring. If you would like to puchase one of these pieces, please e-mail us & we’ll be happy to send you to their Etsy stores.  And then we will make fun of you. Behind your back. And probably publically.

Not sure what else to do on a lazy Sunday? Hop on over to LTR then to The Forum