Kristen Stewart in Elle UK- some thoughts

Psst- read this article before you read today’s letter or else you’ll be confused

Dear Kristen,

First I want to congratulate you on your gorgeous pics in Elle UK. They make me wish I was a guy so we could get it on or wish you liked girls & I liked girls so we could be something special- – wait… no they don’t… That’s weird. Just stating for the record that I’m a straight girl who in no way wants to see your “cooter.” However, I would like to borrow your sweater.

Moving on, there are a few things from the article accompanying the pictures that I’d like to discuss:

We get it

You don’t have to keep reiterating it. We got it the first thousand times you said it. You care. You give a sh*t. You care so much that it literally makes you want to give your sh*t to people. Got it. You never have to say it again. We won’t forget. Promise.

Your Driving
It sounds kinda f*cking crazy (oh ps, I’m gonna talk hardcore all letter-long. You inspired me) You speed, you “simultaneously light a cigarette and overtake a truck.” You answer your phone while driving (illegal in CA, by the way) and your foot was “still heavy on the accelerator pedal.” SLOW DOWN! We can’t have Breaking Dawn without Bella now can we? What would Isle Esme be like? Edward… by himself…. just him on an island.. bathing…. swimming…. naked…alone…. Oh wait…that might not be so bad

Your Dirtiness
The interviewer describes you as “In a slightly grotty hoodie, skinny jeans and a pair of old sneakers, greasy hair flopping around…” and says you “bite on a hangnail with her teeth” (What ELSE would she bite with , interview lady?) Plus there are vivid pictures painted of you smoking a ‘fag’ (that’s the only word I could come up with dirty enough for cigarette) and holding your broken blackberry case (they sell rubber ones at 5 & below, FYI) with the battery exposed.

To be honest, I’m concerned with your safety AND health. You’re not showering regularly, you’re speeding, you’re smoking and you leave an exposed battery close to your face? Who’s taking care of you? Cause we certainly know it isn’t Robert Pattinson.

The question you WON’T answer

“What I say is, then why would I want anything that’s private to become entertainment for other people?”

Too F*cking late hunny. You’ve been entertaining people since the moment they saw the bedroom kiss scene in Twilight. And then when Catherine Hardwicke confirmed that there was “chemistry” and kinda did a pelvic thrust in the air so that we’d catch her drift (Cathy- we ALWAYS catch your drift) it just got worse.  But I’m here to tell you that this is what would change in my life if you admitted you and Rob were together:

Nothing

I would continue to lust after your boyfriend on my blog LTR. I would continue to talk about how you make love on a bear skin rug in front of a fire because it’s one of my very favorite topics of conversation. I would continue to make manips of your future children & your future grandchildren- with Rob with sexy grandpa hair. I’d create a future family portrait and show it hanging on a flannel wallpapered wall. (I would actually never do that, but I’d be happy to continue FINDING the many manips that exist like this and tweet them out every Friday night after a few G&Ts) I would continue to think people obsessed with your love or obsessed with hating your love is weird. And I would continue to use their weirdness as MY entertainment. That’s it.

The ‘entertainment’ of Robsten IS in the guessing. So stop entertaining and just mother f*cking admit it (F*ck- I added that for emphasis because I’ve been inspired to be hard core today, as you remember)

(I would like to take this moment in time to point out you said this about those obsessed with your relationship:

“They pick up every little scrap, and that’s much worse”

and remind those that “pick up every scrap” that she’s talking to you. And doesn’t like it.)

Coothers
While I’m not sure WHY you were discussing names for female anatomy, I AM sure that I haven’t heard the word “Cooter” since my 12 year old chubby cousin called me that after digging up worms in our grandma’s yard. And for the record, MY favorite word for that is “box” (pick your fav here– and pay special attention to the LAST one listed)

The other stuff

  • Your love for cats- marry me. We can be old crazy fake lesbian cat ladies together. Jella & (my cat) Jonas could get married and have little kitties with “J” names too
  • The 3rd album you were talking about- I have a good guess. Don’t count on it.
  • Li-Lo comment: that was nice. Almost too nice because she is somewhat at fault…

Then there’s the lobster shack: Number 1, Moon can we go there when I visit? It sounds yummy (and I wanna take pictures of the Krisbians lined up for days on end hoping she comes back) and Number 2 this (reason why you wouldn’t order your own damn food)

“It’s an interaction thing. It would be fine if people talked shit about me at their own table, but sometimes you’re just not in the right state of dress to talk to people, and they’re like, “Oh she IS a crack whore, just like Perez says.”

First, SERIOUSLY K? Why are you reading Perez!? If you want to see yourself with jizz drawn on your face, I can send you my personal collection! Don’t sweat what Perez says. NO ONE takes that shit seriously. Secondly, come on… if someone- ANYONE walks into a place where I consume food “In a slightly grotty hoodie, skinny jeans and a pair of old sneakers, greasy hair flopping around…” “biting on a hangnail with her teeth” smoking a fag, I’m probably gonna talk about it. And tweet it. And blog about it- even if she isn’t famous. Can you blame them? Good choice on the ahi-tuna burger though. Damn I’m hungry

The picture
It was cute of you to share a secret moment with the interviewer. I didn’t know Taylor Lautner liked cats too! We should have a kitty party! Just as long as you promise not to mention the word “cooter.” I’m pretty sure that would make Taylor cry!

Your interview reminded me how young you are- you say “kids my age” and I remember, “oh yeah.. she is still a kid.” You’re JUST getting into The Smiths and Camera Obscura? [Moon says not to underestimate the kids in the suburbs- she knew who Joan Jett was well before your age. Sadly, I did not. I listened to Avalon. Adonai is where it’s at] And then..… Interpol? And you described who Broken Bells were!? I mean… seriously- love them all and they’re great, but I haven’t heard anyone mention Interpol as a “new band they’re into” since 2004. And while I appreciate knowing you’re listening to good stuff & not Miley & Beiber, just STOP talking about! it!! Don’t you know that all the Twi-hards are going to force the ticket prices up to the shows I want to go!? And I’m sure you’re listening to The Smith’s on vinyl (if not, start now) but NEVER EVER admit to it. I will hold you responsible if I can’t ever find their records any more at my favorite stores. K, I feel like you need an older influence in your life. Someone to borrow clothes from before an interview, help you quit smoking, buy some duc tape for that broken BlackBerry (or just upgrade you to an iPhone) and introduce you to bands while reminding you to never mention their names in interviews. Oh and to borrow that sweater. Which I assume you stole from the photoshoot? Because you know a guy who taught you that’s what you’re supposed to do…right?

“Let’s get out of the this country,”
UnintendedChoice

What did you think of the Elle interview? Do you wanna go fake lesbian for Kristen’s pictures? Think we’re supposed to assume it’s “you know who” in the picture with the cat on her iPod? WHO PUTS PICTURES ON THEIR iPOD!?

Read the whole interview & see scans of the pictures on TwiCrack

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter

316 Responses

  1. Well this is one filet-o-fish Big Daddy won’t be eating any time soon.

    • I just thumbed up myself for that one. Way to go, me!

      • I’m totally owning the second page of comments right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        I feel like doing cartwheels in my underwear or something, like no one can see ’cause it’s just me on here. Me and Stephenie Meyers.

        What am I even talking about.

        • simma down now 🙂

        • SISTERLY INTERVENTION DJ! Step aawaaaay from the comments box….

        • I love you DJ.

          • I love you, too, ChonHead!

            Seriously, I am a crazy person right now! What is wrong with me?!?!?! I think it’s ’cause I am leaving work soon for a 5 day weekend that includes my birthday!!!!!!!!! Sigh – getting farther away from Taylor every day….

          • All valid reasons for going crazy! Including dominating the comments on the second page of LTT!! WOO hoo! Imma go have a cocktail in your honor!

    • hahaha…. YOU READ THE URBAN DICTIONARY LINK!

  2. She suffers from “I want my cake and to eat it, too” syndrome.

    Her fans continually give her titles but only when they fit.
    She’s a kid, cut her some slack! No, no, no, NO she’s a grown up! And so mature!
    She’s shy. No, no, no…she totally BRINGS it.
    She doesn’t give a shit. Stop saying all these horrible things about her, she CARES.

    Make up your mind. She’s basically TELLING us what kind of person she is in her actions. She’s not this fashion icon. A fashion icon is Audrey Hepburn. Last time I checked SHE never wore skinny jeans with gold Keds.
    She is part of the PR machine. It’s in her job title. This little coy game of “I’m going to keep this one thing private” is BUNK. She sure wasn’t shy about walking around with Spiceboy, when they were dating. Why now? Could it be because it ups her popularity? She bitches about the internet and Twitter. Yeah, they’re a fickle bitch…but they’ve made her. Good or bad, press is press is press. It still keeps her in the spin cycle.

    I think there should be papz laws. But social interest and gossip isn’t life endangering. That’s the nature of the beast. Does it suck? Sure thing. But she chose her path.

    And when I add 7 or 8 zeros to my bank account, don’t worry, I’ll tell myself to STFU and suck it up, too.

  3. Yeah, I read this interview yesterday and developed a soft spot for the girl. (not a Krisbian, cause I would break you), but a spot nonetheless. In the short time since I’ve set aside my bottomless pit of snark (and possibly adulthood) to enjoy the movies about almost-vampires, the actress know as Kristen Stewart has annoyed me for the ways she doesn’t portray Bella and for the way she presented herself in the past. As if above Twilight. In the first interview I ever saw of her, I got the impression that if she ever met the real Bella (it could happen) she wouldn’t cross the street to meet her… (OMG! She would so be Lauren to her!). So my original resistance to her had a lot more to do with Bella than Rob, whom I didn’t know she was dry humping at the time.

    However, after I read this article yesterday, I developed a whole new understanding of the greasy-haired, accidental supermodel who get to wet hump Rob (ew!). The chick is 20 years old. I so get it now. When I was twenty I was dating Corey Ball who was a gorgeous second string quarterback of University of Maryland and whom I flaunted proudly as if he was Rob. You wouldn’t want to know what that picture would have been of if I was in Kristen’s place. Suffice to say it would be accompanied by the initial NSFW. In that article, I got a glimpse of what is like for her to be head over hill for this guy and to not be able to really revel in the joy of that publicly. Do I feel totally sorry for all the hate she gets? Not really. I see it as a righting of things in the universe. If you get to wear designer clothes that are size 0 and have said clothes taken off of you by the most desired man on the planet before he makes you forget your name (god, I hope that part is true for both of our sakes) then its only fair that you experience a little estrogen fueled envy from the women of said planet. It’s only fair.

    My advise to you, Kristen…. Enjoy your awesome young life, enjoy your man and give him a proper lay for me. We’ll be here to hate in the morning…. don’t forget to wave at us.

    • Oh Xy–“It could happen!”

      How I cherish that comment.

    • Univeristy of Maryland!!! GO TERPS!! What what

    • “If you get to wear designer clothes that are size 0 and have said clothes taken off of you by the most desired man on the planet before he makes you forget your name (god, I hope that part is true for both of our sakes) then its only fair that you experience a little estrogen fueled envy from the women of said planet. It’s only fair. ”

      — LOL — very nice! and oh so true.

  4. KS is much more open because its a foreign mag specially British. Even Rob speaks more freely when interview by foreign journalist. One of our minister spoke her heart out to a the wall street journal about problems with her ministry, she cd not do that in a local media……

    But KS has identity issues, she is rude not shy. At Twilght Rome film festival press event when the MC told the audience the Kristen is shy, KS rudely answer that she is not shy…..Why when Oprah keep saying she is shy she didn’t say anything?

    Just be yourself girl, like Rob thats why I love him , he hasn’t change since the Twilight fame, but she has…..she become bitchy and rude….Her atitude turns me off, especailly when she is rude to Rob, why can she be nice/normal? The only reason the paps/media/we are interested in her is because she is with Rob period!

  5. […] Kristen Stewart in Elle UK- some thoughts Psst- read this article before you read today’s letter or else you’ll be confused […]

  6. I agree…I work at a college and the developmental stage that people who are in their late teens to early twenties is basically ‘identity formation’…kstew is doing what lots of us did/do when we were 19 or 20—figure out who we are going to be in the world. That’s why I think kstew is constantly (and somewhat annoyingly) saying the same things over and over again—she is trying on the identity of the ‘rebel’—someone who doesn’t give a cr** about fame and complains about her lack of privacy, blah, blah, blah. It is another ‘role’ she is trying on—because she wasn’t always this ‘bitchface’ in earlier years/pre-Twilight.

    Meanwhile, she completely ignores the glaring fact that 1) she is unbelievably privileged and wealthy because of her fame—and she should be grateful for that when most of the world lives on less than $2 a day; and 2) as was said. none of our lives would CHANGE ONE BIT by her telling the truth. No one really cares—-or no one sane really cares. She is simply not that important in the world.

    The REAL REBEL would be working on helping the majority of the world’s people who are dying today from hunger—Kstew, that’s AUTHENTIC rebel behavior….that’s what REALLY MATTERS—not whether the paps harass you.

    And don’t EVER compare your experience to that of a rape victim—-have you ever been raped??? Well, I can assure you, it is NOTHING like having photographers take photos when you walk to your car. And I know this personally.

    So, work through this phase of your development and do something worthwhile with the wealth you are accruing from this fame.

    Sorry to be so tweed serious:), but this interview and her whole attitude are very self-absorbed…I don’t mean to be a downer today…sorry.

    • there- you’re the first comment (unless i missed a few) mentioning the rape line.. i didn’t want to go there in the post but that reallyyyyyy bothered me……. you just… don’t…. ever…. unless you know personally… which, if she did, she would NOT have said that….

      • If she did say it, it was a bit of 20 yr old’s hyperbole for violation. And if she does feel violated by some of the pap stuff towards her, well, that’s how she feels, it’s legit. Poor choice of word, but I feel about this interview a little like the ‘allergic to filet-o-fish’ interview.
        And with her I do feel that if she really had known what was coming with Twilight (except for meeting HHH) she may well have chosen differently.

  7. Story time in the comments:

    I was reading this while curling my hair for going out for cocktails and Sex and the City 2 with my ladies tonight…

    It needs to be known that I hold the uncurled hair in my lips/mouth while I curl the back….

    Then I read this:
    “Just as long as you promise not to mention the word “cooter.” I’m pretty sure that would make Taylor cry!”

    Since my mouth was ‘full’ I snorted so hard it made my tearducts well… Bravo UC!
    Amazing line right there!

  8. Just got to read the article (it didn’t show up well on my iPhone). That writer certainly didn’t do her research. Kristen didn’t play an epileptic in Panic Room. She was a diabetic. Can’t trust anything she says.

    • I’ve never seen that movie, but I laughed when she said it was an epileptic character. Sorry if that is mean.

  9. It’s soo blatantly obvious that picture of a “deliciously handsome
    Man” and Jello was a pic of her and ROB! Earlier in the interview the interviewer described twilight. She said kstew plays along deliciously handsome Edward, played by deliciously handsome RPattz. 

    !!!! Also she put it away quickly as if nothing happened – she wouldn’t care if it was Taylor. But it was proof her and rob are togetherrrrr! 

  10. Imma go out on a limb here and say this: I’m happy that she and Ron don’t just “admit it already.” I think it’s the wise, mature decision. If I were in their position, it’s what I would do. (Not that I’m all that wise or mature).

    They don’t exactly HIDE their relationship from prying eyes, they just don’t TALK about it. This is not a new tactic in Hollywood. There are high profile couples that never talk about their relationship. So much so that when they (inevitably) break up – no one knows and, most definitely, no one cares. Remember John Cusack’s tumultuous four year relationship with Neve Campbell? No? Oh, that’s right, cause they didn’t talk about it. (PS – this was when she was somewhat relevant, so it’s you know analogous).

    However, by simply saying, “Yes, we ARE dating,” they would be inviting far more scrutiny and intrusive questions into the discussion of their lives. At this point, the only question they get with any regularity is “are you together?” and it’s one that they can avoid answering with ease. Right now, people scrutinize their interviews and interactions for signs that they are a couple, and that’s it. If they announced that they were, in fact, a couple, all these insane people would be looking for evidence of much more than that. Isn’t it better to allow people to make deductions about a proposed relationship than make judgments about the health, longevity, wisdom, sexual activity or compatibility (etc ad nauseum) of said relationship??? Which would you rather face in your own personal life?

    Yes, they are scrutinized now, but it is ONLY in the context of “are they -aren’t they” NOT in the far more prying context of “are they HAPPY-are they ACTIVE-are they LONGLASTING?” If they give voice to the relationship, they invite much more censure, much more biting commentary and much more stress. Why would anyone want that?

    I don’t think they are going to last forever. Their relationship is nice and convenient and fun for them – now. Most likely, it won’t be that way forever. And a few years from now when the convenience and the fun is over and it ends, they won’t have to talk about it. Cause they never did.

    • You go girl! I agree. And how in the world did I somehow miss Neve and John? 4 years? Really?

      • Hey Ang!

        You missed it because they didn’t talk about it. And also because it started when Neve was popular (like 98) and ended when no one gave a rats about her (like they still don’t).

        Obviously, they aren’t in the same position as Ron and Stewie – not as high profile I guess. No twitter back in Y2K. But still. No one cared when they broke up cause no one really knew they were ever together. It’s pretty spot on with how to handle relationships in the public eye.

    • I hear you. I said something(s) similar on LTR yesterday. I’ve come to understand a teeny bit more that people are annoyed by the fact that since it already seems so obvious, there’s no point in not confirming or “playing a game” about it, as some see it to be.

      But to your point, I also don’t even think they need or ought to confirm. I don’t need to hear it; don’t know why anyone does. And as far as “the franchise”, I think it could possibly be disastrous to verbalize anything. Cause if they break up before BD is out in the world and over, real insanity could ensue (“the two leads hated each other during filming!”). I do think they’ll speak up when BD is over, if in fact they’re still together.

      And yeah; Justin and Cameron then Jessica, Jay-Z and Beyonce (hell, even after they were married), Ben and Jennifer (Garner), and on and on. Being but not saying is nothing new. A lot of couples clam up because they just don’t think it’s anyone’s business or right to hear them speak about it.

  11. Thanks. You just said pretty much everything I’d like to say on her face. Hope someday she gets to read this. Would you email this article to her [anonimously, of course], please? She’d probably mention it in her next interview.
    I guess she thinks she’s the new generation of rebel or something like this… I don’t know…
    To me, the last rebel that changed culture universally in some way is actually dead.
    Grow up KS.

  12. I love that for nearly 300 comments today, there wasn’t a mad Krisbian bitchfight. I was all like, bring it! and the Krisbians didn’t broughten anything.

    I like making up words!

    Kristen’s biggest problem is she Wants IT all the time. That’s really tiring, and is bound to make her inconsistent in interviews.

    We forgive her because her Want can cure lepers and beat a liger or a velociraptor with the head of Jessica Biel.

    If you have no idea what I’m talking about, and aren’t adverse to reading rants about porn, go here now:

    I have replaced Janetrigs as the official pusher of this site, I think. Any time I see the Want, I have the uncontrollable urge to spread it*

  13. Elle UK Kristen Stewart Issue Now Available, Only @ http://www.magazinecafestore.com

  14. […] super refreshing after the rumors & gossip we’ve heard surrounding Eclipse. We thought Kristen was the only one left who cared so much.Without giving anything away (though there’s not much to give away- Bree […]

  15. This is my first time reading this site. I stumbled onto here since it was one of the sites selected by Stephenie Meyers to interview her… and then I read this letter…and this has to be the funniest Twi-related thing I have ever read. I loved the letter. Hilarious.

    ~V~

  16. Sorry, admittedly I’m a lurker… I come to this site maybe once a month to swoon on Rob…

    Just a question…

    Has anyone considered that perhaps Kristen’s publicist has DIRECTED her NOT to answer the Are they/Aren’t they question? I would imagine that once the question is answered, some of the hype would be lived down. But hype = good for Kristen’s career. The are they? aren’t they? Are They? Aren’t They? ARE THEY AREN’T THEY WHAT ARE THEY ALREADY? Is actually really fantastic publicity that keeps her in the public eye, rather than fading away between movie releases. I really believe it’s scripted. Really.

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