Bill Condon: Reading between the lines

Dear Bill Condon,

Welcome to the Fandom! Welcome to the crazy! Welcome to a decision you will most likely regret!!! Moon & I enjoyed reading your letter a few weeks ago. It was kinda weird to read and completely unnecessary, but we get it. This fandom is unlike any other and expectations are high. We just want to let you know we don’t expect much. I mean, we expect a LOT- like there better be a LOT of feathers (so much that they cover HER completely, if you could), Renesmee better not be creepy & you better make sure to time the birth scene with my mid-movie bathroom break. But we’re pretty easy-going gals & Unicorns around these parts. We just want Rob Pattinson naked a true representation of Breaking Dawn with lots of naked Edward except a version that’s much more R-rated. NC-17 is cool too. I’ve never seen one of those. Unless you count looking at Ashley Greene’s naked pictures that one time..

Moon & I were just STRUCK at the political correctness of your letter. I mean, I guess what else were you going to do? Come out yelling “YOU’RE ALL SOFA KING CRAZY AND YOU BETTER LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME DO MY JOB?” (That would’ve RULED) I’m sure you wanted to. Or maybe you’re confused and have no idea why anyone would suggest that. Oh, Bill.. you have so much to learn. We’ll teach you soon, we promise.

Although… it seems like you’re a pretty smart dude. I want to think you’ve done your homework and you DO know what you’re getting yourself into. Your letter left a LOT unsaid… and we didn’t waste anytime reading between the lines. In the following “Break Down” of your letter, I selected the color green for your words so we don’t get confused with our interpretation. I choose green because green is what? GOOD! (Don’t worry- It’s a Twilight joke. You won’t get it)

Moon: Oh, Bill… we ALL can read between the lines of your letter…
UC: how so?
Moon: I mean writing a letter is a tricky thing, hello we’ve done it for quite a while now. So Bill is trying to talk to the fandom but you can see he thinks some other things about it as well…….like the opening line- when I first tried to read the letter over a week ago, I couldn’t read past the opening line:

Greetings Twihards, Twifans, Twilight Moms, Team Edward, Team Jacob and Team Switzerland,

UC: It’s cuz we don’t fit in any of those categories
Moon: He sounds like the new teacher or a step parent or new boss trying to show you he’s “down with the kids” and that he gets it. Come on, really? Team Switzerland?! That’s soooo 2007 right? We weren’t even around then but imagine it to be so. He might as well have put:

Dear Dorks, nerds, girls who shop at Hot Topic and think they’re “goth,” sex crazed moms with 4 kids and girls with no lives, I’m here to write you because I know you’re crazy

UC: YES!! I feel left out of this letter
Moon: Right- like where’s: “Dear reluctant girls who love this saga but haven’t really told anyone other than those 2 others girls you met online about your mild (serious) obsession- I’m here to tell you I’m gonna try not to f*ck up too bad.” THATS the letter I wanna read!
UC: let’s be honest- do we think Team Summit told him about US? no.. Team Summit told him about the big 5 approved sites and THAT’s it!
Moon: He should’ve been straight- like “I know we’re totes gonna fumble on some key stuff and you’re gonna hate us for a few days but we’re really gonna nail some other stuff. and besides I’m kinda a hot dude… in a nerdy pseudo-European way”
UC: “And I can’t wait to see what you end up calling me”

After these divas, Rob Pattinson should be a PIECE OF CAKE

Moon: “I mean I’m not Chris Weitz but I direct musicals, give me SOME credit”
UC: “The hobbit has already been taken, The DILF unfortunately can’t be mine”
Yeah… I’m looking forward to the name we come up with for him as well!
Moon: do we know ANYTHING about him?! Is he gay, straight, married, single? kids?
UC: no…. we will have to RESEARCH another day!
Moon: does he just have a crazy niece who loves Twilight?
UC: What he’s really saying is: “I’m stoked to be getting underway on the adventure of Breaking Dawn- my step daughter told me if I didn’t bring on this project she’d start dating that guy on the motorcycle with the tattoos I saw her talking to outside of the metroplex last weekend”
Moon: I like to think he’s gay or married to a hot piece like Helen Mirren with no kids.

Gay? Married? Both? Find out after the jump!

I’m pretty busy bringing myself up to speed on what you already know by heart: I’ve read BREAKING DAWN twice, rewatched Catherine’s and Chris’s movies 2-3 times each, have all four CDs playing in my car, and have Catherine’s notebook, Mark Cotta Vaz’s companion books, and even Volume 1 of the graphic novel here on my desk – a corner of my office is starting to look like Hot Topic. I realize that this barely qualifies me for “newborn” status in the universe you’ve been living inside for a few years now, but a guy’s gotta start somewhere.

Moon: I love that he says his office looks like Hot Topic. I just imagine him writing this letter while wearing that creepy shirtless Jacob shirt and playing with the action figures. And I’m SO glad he told me the name of the author of the companion book cause who knows that??
UC: hahahaha. Mark Cotta Vaz- I mean seriously.. WHY haven’t we written him a letter yet? Oh that’s right- cause we could care less about his “companion book.” The only companion I need is Rob Pattinson. And you.
So wait though- back it up… He read Breaking Dawn TWICE? #1 that’s pretty amazing cuz he’s a dude… so we might be wrong- he might be gay.
#2- is that enough? I mean he IS directing the movie. And Lrd knows Mel Mel Rosenberg probably effed up the screenplay
Moon: and #3 he’s a bigger fan that I am
UC: AH I forgot you only read it once!!
Moon: but still 2 times is pretty good- that shit is LONG
UC: Do we love that he dropped a Twilight joke? He called himself a newborn. I feel like he was taking a jab at the losers who probably would have said “OH Bill IS SUCH A NEWBORN” after reading his letter first time through
Moon: Yeah- that’s the “down with the kids” line for me. Like really? Did you just say that? You’re a dork.
UC: SO Far… we’ve got Gay-ish dork, who decorates his office like a Hot Topic..
Moon: He should be like “Listen girls, I’m a dude and I’ve read this TWICE and have more Twilight crap in my office than any straight (or possibly gay) man should have. I deserve a medal ALREADY.”
UC: We would’ve given him a mother effing standing ovation!!! The first one EVER for a letter!
Moon: “So put that in your New Moon Regal Cinemas soda souvenir cup and Tweet that!”
UC: I’m really starting to picture this guy. And I also feel like maybe Cathy Hardi, Mark Cotta Vaz & whoever wrote the graphic novel paid to be mentioned- you KNOW Hot Topic did!
Moon: Oh for sure, you know Summit is #goo about their tie-ins! Cross promotion!
UC: holla!
Moon: Too bad he didn’t sign off saying he was on his way to Burger King to get his Team Edward crown- “Available at a location near you JUNE 15!” (LINK to restaurant locator)

Like many of you, I’ve always been slightly obsessed with vampires, dating back to the prime-time series DARK SHADOWS, which I followed avidly as a kid. But that alone hadn’t been enough to get me interested in making a vampire movie, even though my early screenwriting and directing efforts grew out of a great love for horror movies and thrillers. Since making GODS AND MONSTERS thirteen years ago, however, I’ve been yearning for a return to a story with Gothic overtones.

UC: I like how he says “Like many of you, I’ve been obsessed with vampires” UM- once again- you don’t know US
Moon: Yea- I wanted to be like um who in here besides like 2% of the Twi population liked vamps before this?!
UC: Actually, Bill,  anyone who LIKED real vamps hates Twi because it’s not a “real” vampire story
Moon: I like that he’s alluding to his goth phase. You KNOW he was ALL about Robert Smith. He had the hair and lipstick and sang “just like heaven” to his gf (or possibly bf)

Can I borrow your wig for my show tonight, hunny?

UC: Yep. And if he IS gay, he dresses as a Drag Vampire on the weekends- these are his little clues he leave us.
Moon: He’ll be Count Drag-ula! Catch him at a tranny bar this fall in a filming location to be determined
UC: if you’re lucky, He’ll get drunk and put on that Burger King Twilight crown
and THIS: “however, I’ve been yearning for a return to a story with Gothic overtones.”
Moon: he just wants to bite someone
UC: YEAH RIGHT.. that’s like David Slade trying to convince us he didn’t mean it when he said all that shit about Twilight. He’s just bored- wants the challenge. And the paycheck- He can buy a nice little beach house with the money that will be pouring in for years to come
Moon: and I love the shout out to his own movie. He’s like “BUY THAT SHIT ON BLU RAY bitches.” Obviously he has a cut on the back end. He DOES have a mortgage to pay
UC: a drag costume budget to meet
Moon: We’re not stupid Bill, WE KNOW. WE Understand. So while you’re at it click on our lovely sponsors LOBOTOME, and *COMING SOON  – the LTT T-shirt shop* (that’s serious.) WINK WINK

The wonderful world that Stephenie has created has obviously struck a chord with you, and I don’t think it’s difficult to see why. For me, her characters are simultaneously timeless, yet very modern. Rooted in a beautiful, real landscape with a great sense of place, Bella, Edward, Jacob, and the rest of the Forks/La Push menagerie, experience emotions that are primal, and universal: desire, despair, jealousy – and it all comes to fruition in BREAKING DAWN. This is a final chapter in the best sense; not just wide in scope and scale, but emotionally charged and intense throughout.

UC: So is the next paragraph where you got choked up? I may have just gotten the chills cause he’s right. It DID strike a chord with me. And this paragraph reminded me why. Timeless yet modern- RIGHT!
Moon: this is where he tries to remind us he’s a director and cares about the story and stuff
UC: and “gets it” which I believe him, stupidly, in this paragraph
Moon: “Guys, listen. I GET that you have lady boners for these characters, Edwards hot, Bella’s a mess (like you), Jacob is the hot friend who wants you too. I UNDERSTAND. Just let me make it look cool and I’ll give you your fade to black stuff. I just gotta write this to make summit and Stephenie think I’m all professional (yet I’m secretly kinda man crushing on Edward too! Hello chest like stone!)” which leads him into his next paragraph nicely:

I’m a huge admirer of the already-iconic Kristen, Robert, and Taylor, and wanted to be the one to work with them as they face the challenges of bringing your beloved characters to the end of their journeys. Really, what could be more fun than that?

Hey guys- It's me- Bill Condon. Let's hang out. We can be called Cobsten

UC: yep- “I’ve seen Kristen, Taylor & Rob’s faces on the cover of magazines I hope to never be in with intrusive captions usually reserved for Jen Aniston”
Moon: he’s a HUGE admirer of the holy trinities work… I mean who can forget such gems as “catch that kid,” “bar mothers handbook,” and “sharkboy and lava girl?” SEMINAL film work. And that last line. Bill lays it on and kills me- THE END!?! NOOOOO. I thought this would go on and on forever
UC: I KNOW!
Moon: I thought we’d see Jacob and Renesme’s grandchildren?
UC: I thought we’d at least learn how to SPELL Reneeesmeee!!! Whatever will our lives look like after this?
Moon: We’ll have a lot more time. I’ll have to rediscover my favorite blogs from 2 years ago
UC: but we’ll have less friends with names like ivant2suckyourvampparts

UC: Sidenote- I HAVE to mention some of the BRILLIANT comments on this letter.

Lisa Holtzhausen heya Bill! I would like 2 add something again. please stick to the book, alot of fans want the sexual scenes with edward and bella, but SM didn’t put them in the book 4 a reason. would u please try to not make it too explicit?

Moon: whoever the hale Lisa Holtzhausen is she needs to be taken out and slapped
UC: DOWN WITH LISA HOLTZHAUSEN
Moon: you gettin all cray cray in here lisa. Stop being a NUN.

Please feel free to ask questions in the comments section below, and I’ll do my best to answer them. I hope that this will be the first of many occasions I’ll get to check in with you as we set to work bringing BREAKING DAWN to the screen. I am excited and grateful to have all of you alongside me for my TWILIGHT journey.

All best,
Bill Condon

P.S. Answer #1: No, there won’t be any musical numbers

Moon: I love the last paragraph too. He wants to tell us that

“Obviously I’m done writing to you all cause I need to do my make up for Count Dragula’s show at the Tool Shack tonight but the social media team made me say I’ll read and answer these comments. Which I won’t, some flacky will be doing that. But thanks for reading and I’ll see you tonight at 1030 at the Tool Shack”

xo,
Count Dragula Bill

PS I lied, there will SO be a musical number. Think Sound of Music meets Little Shop of Horrors”

Welcome to LTT, Bill! We’re looking forward to adding you to ranks of Cathy Hardi- creator of the Ultimate Cougarita, Chris Weitz- the DILF, and David Slade- the angry hobbit-man.

Remember; FEATHERS-covering her FACE!,
UnintendedChoice & theMoonisDown

What do you think about Bill’s letter? Too PC? Perfect for starting out? Did we capture the essence of what he “really” wanted to say?

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