My “Twilight: Is This Really Happening To Me” Moment

Dear LTT gals, ladies & Bobbygee (wherever you are, *sniff*),

I miss you. I’m here in sunny (please be sunny next week, please be sunny) Mexico just thinking about you, missing Moon, wondering what The Font & White Yorkie are confused about in the Twilight world & just all around really wishing you were all relaxing in paradise with me. Sorta.

Before I left for the land of never-ending margaritas, nachos on the beach & fresh lobster for dinner, I received an email from LTT-reader turned real-life friend turned girl who is going to make my gardens look pretty (her family owns a local nursery I love. Oh and by “gardens” I, of course, mean the 2 plastic pots I have sitting on the stoop outside of my apartment), Yellow911T, with the following message I just had to share:

This is normal: There are Virginia Blue Bells blooming all over the yard at our new house and it was looking a little too much like “the meadow” to resist. I borrowed cardboard Edward (Cardward? Boardward?) from my sister a had my fiancee take this picture for me. He was really embarrassed and worried that the neighbors might see us. Oh well.

I.Freakin.Love.Her (and seriously- those flowers are outside of her house!?).

What I love the most about it though is that it’s… just normal. For us anyway. Twilight has infiltrated so much of our lives. We all know that by now- nothing should shock us!

Then we go this email from a reader with the best story proving that exact point, and I had to share this as well!

The merging of two great things....

Dear LTT,

Very recently I went through one of those things in a young woman’s life that is both traumatic and earth shattering. I got dumped. By a guy I REALLY liked and thought could be “the one.” We had tons in common; he wasn’t a vampire (cause we all know how difficult that makes things), we both love Star Wars, and we had great chemistry. BOOM. He even admitted on our first date he has seen the Twilight movies with his 13 year old niece, he didn’t love them, but he saw them because she loves them. Nice right? I thought so too. So after awhile of courting (he was Edward old fashioned, he even like butterscotch candies) I felt safe enough to say “this guy is my boyfriend and everything is FANTASTIC!”

Man, was I wrong. Shortly after my announcement to family and friends that we were exclusive, said “boyfriend” told me he didn’t think I was “appropriate” for his type of life style. What this really meant was that he, being old fashioned, didn’t think my “fast” personality was right for him. That I wasn’t a “good” girl. I was devastated. Not only am I a good girl, I’m a great girl. Sure, I occasionally partake in alcohol, cigarettes, Twilight movies, and sexy make outs (trying to keep it PG-13), but that doesn’t make me “fast.” So I did what all girls do when they’re grieving (no not a three month montage to Lykke Li) I went out with my girlfriends to get drunk. Is it constructive? No. Does it help make the sad thoughts diminish for a few hours? Yes. So we go out to the local bars and who do we run into……the very, very recent ex.

That was the last straw. He looked at me with those judgmental eyes, I stared back with my drunk KStew bitch face, and I knew what I had to do. I had to find my back up, my second in command, the old stand by, I needed to find my Jacob Black. And three shots of tequila later I did. One of my oldest, dearest friends walks into the bar and walks right over to me. We are incredibly close and on occasion, have been known to “hook up.” So while the ex looked on I weaved my magic with my version of Jacob Black and before you know it we’re having a steamy make out session Twilight Fan Fic worthy. Still aggravated about being dumped cause I wasn’t a good girl, I asked, “do you think I’m a good girl?” To which he replies “anyone who leg hitches like that isn’t a good girl.” Word for word. I almost died. DIED laughing. Here we are in this intimate moment and I’m laughing my ass off and say “did you just say leg hitch, while my leg is wrapped up around your hip?” He says “yeah so what?” So what? Well now my attention was completely turned to David Slade, Eclipse, Edward, LTT comments, and most of all the question “is the guy I’m about to sleep with a unicorn?” Turns out….he is. He’s actually a Twilight-word-using unicorn. If I hadn’t completely sobered up at this point I would have thought I was dreaming. But I wasn’t. This ridiculous situation was actually happening.

After realizing a Twilight-word-using unicorn had his hand up my shirt a mixture of arousal/disgust washed over me. I didn’t know if I should be offended that my leg hitching made me “bad” or excited cause maybe I could rope this mythical creature and keep him forever. Turns out, unicorns aren’t all they are cracked up to be and his fondness for Ashley Greene annoys and confuses me. SO needless to say I used that unicorn and then sent him back to the depths of RPatz’s hair forest until I need to use him again, but I’ll never forget the night “leg hitching” was used to describe an aggressive sexual foreplay move in real life and not just by the craziness that is Stephanie Meyer.



Oh girl- The ONLY thing that would have made this story better was if you were actually WEARING jorts at the time!!

So I must get back to my vacationing in the land of Tequila Tomas (he says hi). As Twilight follows me EVERYWHERE, I’m sure I will come home regaling you with stories of Mexican-Twilight adventures. Get ready!


What is your “Twilight: Is this really happening to me?” Moment?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter


96 Responses

  1. I can’t believe you found a guy who doesn’t want to have sex on the first date, much less never.

    Is he friends with Kellan?

    • I bet it WAS Kellan.

      • He didn’t wanna have sex after 15 dates. Maybe it was Kellan and I was too blind to notice. 😉 As if that is possible.

        • He wasn’t a unicorn, TJ, he was a eunuch. Best explanation…or could he have been a eunuchorn? 🙂

          • Nope, I’ve mixed up your men, you minx.

          • eunuchorn!
            Oh that has to get adopted and put in the LTT/LTR urban dictionary.

      • or Andy Stitzer.

    • You took the words out of my mouth with the first comment, TOFT! And I did not know that kids today use the word ‘fast’……..

  2. Can you say EPIC WIN?!

  3. Everything about this post is pure brilliance.

    That photo is amazing. And normal.

    TeamJorts, you are basically my hero. ‘Bad’ good girls unite!

    • This post is so superb I just read the whole thing again.

  4. Wow, TeamJorts. That letter was….enlightening, to say the least. You found an unicorn? For realz? Huh, maybe they’re not as uncommon as we think they are..

    UC, what your friend did with her meadow (which btw is beautiful and could totes compete with the VC one David Slade twitpic-ed of) is totally NORMAL. I mean if I had a cardboard Edward cutout lying somewhere and knew anyplace full of trees and grass, I would totally re-enact the meadow scene. Maybe I could record Rob’s dialogues during that scene and play that since the cardboard won’t actually talk…I can so imagine me lying on the grass with the cardboard Edward while Rob mumbled away in the background..

    Oh God, someone please get me admitted to the nearest (or furthest, if you want to stay away) mental asylum.

    • Glad you liked my meadow pic. At least someone else out there thinks its normal… 😀

      • Totally normal. I loved it!!!

        I made my very very pregnant friend do the Twilight cover pose when she walked in my office with an apple. Snapped it with my camera phone. Guess you could call it a Twilight-Breaking Dawn blend.

      • Perfectly normal!

      • NORMAL!

      • Yellow911T you are too cute 🙂 And those are gorgeous blue bells!

  5. Team Jorts that is just HILARIOUS! I would have laughed until I cried & snorted stuff out of my nose & my charity snog would have become grossed out & walked away….
    ‘Your’ Jacob Black, now happily running through Edward’s hair, how much is he like ‘our’ Jacob Black?

    And I love that pic of Kristen…so damn funny.

    • You can’t argue with KStews bitch-face.

      • I would not dare!!

  6. Great letter, TeamJorts! Epic, just epic. I can’t believe he actually said that. And your unicorn Jacob did not know that you knew what leg hitch would ‘mean’?

    I think we should name unicorn Jacob. Unicob. Jacorn. *cricket chirps* Ok… random.

    • Unicob FTW I am DYING….when I talk to my best friend and fellow Twilight/LTT obsessor I always just call him the unicorn. Now I can call him Unicob. Thank you!

      • Glad my erroneous brain could be of service. 🙂

  7. As a real life friend of TeamJorts, I am so proud to say this story is 100% true! BTW…..”Jacorn” WAS wearing Korts that day!!

  8. I too have two pots and a balcony, but now ihave a vision and it includes bluebells (and maybe some cutout magazine pics, note to self:buy this weeks Famous, and scout for backup Jacob).

    I love you!

    • You could make an entire miniature world on your balcony. You could act out the whole series… charge people for viewings. It would be like the potter puppets pals with real scenery.

      I can hear it now… “Jake, Jake, Jacob Black, BELLA SWAN…”

  9. I loves the picture. I didn’t realize that those flowers in the meadow were real. I thought they were made up. Yes, I’m cool… or not.

    I loves the story, Team Jorts. I’ve NEVER heard a story where a dude turns a girl away for being too wild! That’s just… blasphemy. Or something.

    PS. Eatmyjorts! I think I found you on twitter. Or you have an impersonator. So… yeah. I tweeted youz!

    • The flowers they used in the movies aren’t real…or at least they aren’t a flower that would actually grow in that part of the country. I just think the flowers in my yard looks as though they would be in the meadow. They’re not realistic for Washington state either since I live in Pennsylvania. God I am such a horticultural nerd.

      • I live in Washington State, and those ‘flowers’ do not grow here. Not like that, anyway. So, horticulture nerds unite!

        BTW, any fiance who helps take that pic for you is for SURE a keeper, justsayin….

        • Truth!!

      • Horticultural nerds for the win! Can I join? I have a cactus. Her name is Medusa and she’s14 years old (and the only plant that has survived that long under my care, for that matter…)

    • You did find me! Tried to tweet back but the interwebs rejected me…wah! Will try again later.

  10. Thank you Yellow911T for that awesome picture!!! Totes normal. And I’m so jealous you have such gorgeous flowers growing in your yard!!!
    “SO needless to say I used that unicorn and then sent him back to the depths of RPatz’s hair forest until I need to use him again”…TeamJorts FTW!! 🙂

  11. Yellow911T I am so jealous of your back yard right now. Sigh.

    Um and not until I saw UC’s comment about this could only be better if you were wearing Jorts did I realize my Jacob/unicorn was sporting KORTS that night. Not kidding. Eclipse still style. First day it’s 50 degrees or above in WI after a long winter all the guys are sporting some form of short and that was our first day over 50 degrees. Despite that Lykke Li style break up, that night was worth it to be able to write this letter. I’m just happy other people find it funny! It took me 3 months and endless begging by my best friend for me to write to LTT.

    • I no longer love you, I worship thee.

      • Sj I feel a fun little friendship forming via LTT comments! Thanks for all the hilarious support!

        • Aww.

        • Awww.

    • you’re welcome for begging you hahaha

      sooooo much win dude


      • you’re the best best friend ever!

        • thank you, thank you! i do what i can 🙂

  12. besides the awesome letter, i love that picture of kstew.. idk why. not a huge fan of her. she justs looks innocent badass there.

    • I def want Kstew on my side in a bar fight.

  13. Teamjorts- after reading ‘not appropriate for my type of lifestyle’ my mind is boiling over thinking about what kooky shite he is all about. Maybe he’s the president of the Leprachauns Unite Against All Recognition of Vampires Contribution To Society Society, in which case he does not deserve your obvious hotness.

    • Holy Crap, TeamJorts, were you dating Warwick Davis?!

  14. I’m sure I will come home regaling you with stories of Mexican-Twilight adventures

    Oh yes please. When we went to Jamaica I tried to count how many Twilight/New Moon/Eclipse/Breaking Dawn books I saw being read at the beach.

  15. I heart this all.. HARD!

  16. Oh TeamJorts,

    “anyone who leg hitches like that isn’t a good girl.”

    I have no words.

    That was awesome.

    Although, were you leg-hitching at the BAR??

    • HAHA no. Sorry for the confusion my fellow readers! I made sure ex boyfriend saw me kiss the unicorn/Jacob before we left the bar, but we leg hitched and other fan fic worthy things in the privacy of his bedroom. Scandalous I know.

      • aw, that would have been super awesome, still ove the story. when you said that my initial reaction was “does he know…” He does, well played

      • Oh dang. I was certain the feel up was in one of those vinyl booths in the back corner. Imma pretend it was for the smutty needs of today.

  17. I want my Cardward back. -sister

  18. Teamjorts, that story is so full of awesome, and I agree with sj up there, Mr Inappropriate Fast Lifestyle CLEARLY does not deserve your obvious hotness.

    • 2.5 hour drive away high five! You’re totes right.

      • *high fives back*

  19. So if I go to a bar dressed in jorts and wearing a awful wig, I will have recently dumped girls leg hitching me all night?

    • yes.

    • They were KORTS, but try it out, I bet you get leg hitched in no time. Cause lets be honest one out of every three women in the world loves Twilight, even if they’re closeted. And one out of every five women loves to pull hair. That’s where that hideous wig comes into play.

      • true story.

      • I think 1 out of 1 women loves to pull hair.

    • Lose the wig, and lose the shirt, and then basically, yup. (We are assuming you have an eight pack, right?)

      • Yeah ofc… Oh wait, u ain’t talking about beer?

        • nope, a small keg isn’t a step up from an 6 pack when speaking of abs.

          • Damn :/
            Life would be so much easier if it just were about beer.

          • @Borgen
            “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” -Ben Fanklin

            I’ll take a happy little beer belly over a grumpy non-beer-drinking- 6 pack any day.

          • @Borgen, it definitely is easier.

  20. First of all cannot say how much I love that Meadow pic! I would have totally done the same thing if I had a meadow of bluebells and an Edward cardboard standup. Alas I have an about 10 square foot backyard with cement and broken fences, wild grapes and something that looks potentially like poison ivy (I don’t own the place, unfortunately, otherwise I’d transform it into bluebells…) You have however made me want to plant bluebells in the little containers on my porch!

    Secondly Teamjorts your whole experience proves that any situation can be improved slightly by a leg hitch and a unicorn. And if your lifestyle is too “fast” …um pretty much everyone I know has a “fast” lifestyle. Maybe the problem is that the guy was just a little too slow.

    Good luck! I am sure a real jorts wearing guy is out there for you!

    • He was obviously slow – short bus slow. Judge not lest ye be judged, unless some loser is playing all superior to unconsciouly or otherwise compensate for his own short-comings. My favorite saying.
      Dis an LTTer at your own peril, Short bus.

      • OME I said dis. Will someone please smack me out of the 90s!?

        • No way! It brings a certain something that no other word could!

  21. That meadow photo is pretty incredible. If I was you, I wouldn’t have been so brave. I would have set up a banana crate & automatic flashed that sh*t & then lied about one of my RL friends taking it in the caption.

    • At first I only read banana, and my mind went immediately somewhere else…

      • That’s normal.

        • Phew. Yeah, yesterday I read in some beauty article that you can make a great face mask out of a fresh banana and milk.

          • There are 2 things my mind wanders to when I hear/read the word “Banana”

            1) Let me hear you say this shit is bananas

            2) Banana hammock

  22. Loved the pic Yellow 911T (and am a big fan of the hair flower as well… best way to assure a good hair day)!

    Team Jorts, your story is too funny. Thanks so much for sharing. How funny that Unicob was wearing Korts. Win win win!

    • Thanks! Yes, hair flowers are the best. 🙂

  23. Ok, I haven’t read the post yet, but just had to say that I am declaring my undying love for you for your very own meadow poster with Cardward and the fact that your fiance took the photo! That is win!

    • It’s aaaaaall win today!

  24. “SO needless to say I used that unicorn and then sent him back to the depths of RPatz’s hair forest until I need to use him again.”


    You are awesome!

  25. Yellow911, Your meadow is so much prettier than the faux-flower movie version! See, I would not only take a pic like that, but I’d make my husband and kids pose with me and use it as our family Christmas card photo. “Happy Holidays from Forks! Love, Jen, Eric, Edward, Brian, and Heidi.” Hmmmm, if only I lived in PA.

    And teamjorts, epic storytelling! Way to apply twilosophy to real life.

    • This reminds me of the quote in Twilight when Carlisle includes Bella’s name when saying, “This is my family” to Laurent, James, and Victoria.

      • TS – I love when he does that. And again when he tells Rosalie in the garage that Bella’s family. Add that to my list of Twi-lines I like. Oh, who am I kidding? It would be easier to list lines I don’t like.

  26. He said leg hitch! And I quickly covered my mouth to stifle the ginormous laugh that involuntarily followed.

    OMU, I love you, TeamJorts. Best.Story.Evar. Ain’t no shame in being “fast” or in finding a Jacob Black for the night. Lord knows Bella rocked that steamy kiss with him before she ever did with Edward.

    Seriously though, I think a social code should be in place. If you dump someone, you’re not allowed to go out that night out of respect for that person’s need to go get pissed and forget about you and your harsh words. It’s just the right thing to do.

    • I’m jealous of Team Jorts that she got to see her ex while she was:
      a) out with a group of girls, looking go-out ready, and having fun.
      b) had back-up make-out material come to her rescue and make her stock prices rise, so to speak.

      Usually we run into them at Starbucks on a Sunday morning, when we are unshowered, wearing old workout pants and ordering something embarrasing like a bran muffin (ex’s don’t need to know about our fiber intake).

      • Yeah really! Does the town only have 1 bar????

        • OH fellow readers…..I don’t know if you saw my other comment, but it alludes to the fact I’m from Wisconsin. I live in a town with a population about the size of Forks. There are only three bars. And people under the age of 30 only go to one of the three bars.

          And, yes, there should be a law against going out right after you dump a person in a small town, cause not only is the dumped person licking their wounds….the whole g-damn town is talking about it.

      • you make a valid point, SWD. Hopefully they’re not old holey sweatpants…

        Bran muffin and a Venti mocha frappuccino. :S

        • Edward thinks Bella’s “old holey sweatpants” are endearing!

          • He also wears sleeveless button-ups

          • Can I just say TeamSeth that you are on fire today with the wit.

            It’s awesomesauce

  27. @everybody today- thanks for the laughs. And for allowing me to put off working on any of the four papers I should be writing.

  28. Totally O/T- but kind of related since Twilight on the brain is the topic today.

    customer just called:
    Me: “Art Department, this is ‘snowwhitedrifted'”
    Customer (nice male voice): “This is Mr.Pattison from………. I have a question regarding…..”

    Me no longer paying attention because I am blushing and giggling to myself like a 15 year old and dying to put an “n” in his email address.

    • Ummm…can I just tell you I do that ALL day! I’m a receptionist & one of our customer’s names is Mr. Cullen…my co-workers son’s middle name is Edward..anytime anyone mentions words like, dazzle, sparkle, rain, one of our part numbers starts with ARO, “can you hand me a fork”, “We need to ship this to Washington” oh man.

      • LOLOL! Too funny.

    • This reminds me of one time when I heard on the overhead what I swear to Edward was this: “Robert Pattinson, call 5555.” (not real number of course, can’t remember) I was like “holy crap Rob is in the building!!!” I even called the number later to see what department it was.

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