Dear UC & Moon,
Something has been bothering me lately (not really), I’ve spent countless hours pondering this… I feel that it is vital (pointless) to get a better understanding of Taylor. Now, he’s finally legal, having just celebrated his 18th, what did he do? I know Big Daddy Lautner would splurge on a birthday cake for his big boy, and sure there were hats and balloons but… and this is what bothers me… Were his friends there? Does he HAVE friends???
We have only ever seen him with his ex, Swifty (<3), the Disney chick who’s name I don’t care to remember and Big Daddy of course and countless other nameless faces (probably his management, and ALL ADULTS!) What normal 18 year old doesn’t have a group of friends? Friends his OWN AGE? I mean, Rob has his BritPack, Kstew has her fake lesbians but Tay??? Where’s his crew?
Guys, I need your help here… I need to rest easy knowing Tay has some guy friends and if not… I say we hold a friend audition! I vote no on Justin Bieber and anyone affliated with Disney (especially the JoBros). Any suggestions?
Well Hepburn, what a FABULOUS idea. I’d be lying if I said Moon & I hadn’t had this concern ourselves. We’ve spent many a five minutes hour worrying about Taylor’s apparently lack of friends. Not that we think he’s complaining- with a father like Big Daddy, who needs friends? But for the sake of his fans & all those who are becoming more and more convinced of his homosexuality because of his never-ending slew of of female, Disney star friends/PR ploys, I think we need to get to the bottom of this.
First things first, I did a quick google search to see what Tay-Tay has been up to lately. It looks like he was recently spotted at a Lakers game. He HAD to go with friends, right!? RIGHT!? I snagged these photos from EclipseMovie.org for us to investigate:
Wait- that’s not a minidress & a bra strap I see- that’s a MAN shoulder. And NOT Big Daddy’s! DO we have some proof!? Does Tay Tay have a FRIEND?
It looks like Tay-Tay may have changed seats to get a better view of the basketball players the honeys (or else that WAS Big Daddy next to him in the first picture and he ran out for a second to stock up on the $79.95 Lakers-Bakers combo (Nachos with chili & bacon, four hot dogs, 2 64 oz Coca-Colas, caramel popcorn, a bucket of fries topped with chedder & crab and a fried twinkie for dessert. Oh, plus a side salad and a gatorade for Taylor)) Not sure who the new guy on Tay-Tay’s left is. Could it be another possibility for a friend?
Uh oh- this piece of evidence is supicious. No red-blooded 18 year old male would leave Taylor in front of cheerleaders who haven’t eaten in 3 weeks (except for the girl who gobbled up the crab-fry that Big Daddy dropped) ALONE. Is it true? Does Tay-Tay have no friends?
Our final piece of evidence shows us Taylor, seeing the nether regions of a woman for the first time, next to a male. Is it a fan who wanted to ask what it was like NOT being a bear? Is it his manager (who is apparently gay) telling him horror stories about sex with women? Is it Big Daddy, who miraculously dropped 167 pounds after consuming the Lakers-Bakers Combo? I think we ALL know it’s NOT a friend. No 18 year old male has what looks to be the beginnings of a full beard. Unless he’s a hipster. And no hipster would wear a collared shirt. He’d be in an ironic Fish-O-Filet sponsored “Relay for the Heart 1994” T-shirt.
After seeing these pictures of Taylor out for a night of crab-fries and Kobe Bryant, I have to conclude…… that Taylor has no friends…
Find out what we’re going to do about this piece of news, after the jump!
Taylor, Taylor… whatever are we going to do with you? Oh- I know. LTTers to the rescue. We’ll never let you go friendless.
I sent out a cry for help on the tweets and got back a TON of options for new BFFs who might be better suited than your gay manager & Big Daddy (I’ve included a few videos, as I apparently missed out on much of the 80s and had no idea who a few of these people were. So you can enjoy my new knowledge.)
- Moon suggested you befriend the hostess at the olive garden or the greeter at your gym
- There were many suggestions of pairing you with Justin Bieber. As if the tweengasms aren’t already enough just thinking about it, check out this description from @laxplays, “Tay-Tay can do his annoying back flips whilst JB does his annoying vocals – perfect friendship”
- @JodieO suggested you should hang out with Daniel Radcliffe (Rob can introduce you). Then you’ll look tall enough to be Jacob.
- “BooBoo Stew 4 BFF” was the cry of @KatOfDiamonds
- @KStew411 “Remember that girl from Small Wonder? She and Taylor would have LOTS in common.”
- @ekels said, “Lance Bass. Someones gotta show him the ropes ifyouknowwhatimsayin.”
During a lull when good options weren’t flowing in, I tweeted we’d be open to cartoon characters:
- @ Laxplays “has to be Bugs Bunny as BFF 4 Tay-Tay – they can both floss and brush their scary white teeth together”
- @lovelynessa said, “dora the explorer! or her brother or boyfriend or whatever… diego?”
- @clarks2 “MC Skat Kat.”
- @JJElektric “Hulk Hogan.”
- @bandmum1 “Punky Brewster + TayTay”
- @JodieO “The cast of Entourage. He could be their Beta”
- @libbyrenee: “Mario Lopez.. Cause U know Tay might play him in his bio movie… he cn teach him 2 dance lk Slater did”
- @Laxplays “even Paris Hilton as BFF? Free hotels for life & she can show him that one night in Paris is never enough”
And my personal favorite
- @cmaus1216 “endless breadsticks”
So Taylor… what do you think? Think you might have some friend options here? I think there are DEFINITELY some perfect matches! But don’t worry…. as friends come & go…. family stays forever:
UnintendedChoice, Hepburn & all the caring folks on Twitter
So what’s your vote? Who deserves to be Tay-Tay’s bff? And who did we miss!?
Filed under: Fan Letters, Taylor Lautner, Taylors Dad, Twilight | Tagged: best friends, BFF, big-daddy lautner, Boo Boo Stewart, breadsticks, Bugs Bunny, Dora the explorer, Entourage, fan letter, Hulk Hogan, Justin Bieber, Lance Bass, Mario Lopez, MC Skat Kat, Olive Garden, Paris Hilton, Punky Brewster, Small Wonder, taylor, Taylor Lautner, Taylors Dad |