Dear Renesmee

Dear Reneesmee, Renesemee, Renesmee, Renesmee,

First of all, can we address the spelling of your name? Every time I have to write it I have to slow down and think for a second. Or grab my Breaking Dawn book or look at a past letter where we mentioned you. It’s annoying. And I’m still not sure “Renesmee” is even how you even spell it. I get it- Mommy wanted to be all cute and pay homage to both of your grandmom’s,  but couldn’t she have just named you “Renee” or “Esme” and given you a middle name like the other gma’s? Whatever, that’s the least of what I’d change if I had my way.

Anyway, I figured it was about time I wrote to you directly. I’ve mentioned you over the past year- usually in advice letters to Jacob where I warn him that Chris Hansen is closing in- but I want to have a heart-to-heart. You see, I never really had a problem with you. I was one in the minority. Sure, I cringed a little when I realized what it meant when mommy was eating all those eggs & getting fatter. But it wasn’t a “OMG they just made a human/vampire cross-breed that’s gonna be creepy and have an inappropriate relationship with her mommy’s ex boyfriend” kind of way. It was more a “Oh shit, really Edward & Bella? Are you stupid? Your sex life is over. Don’t you know that having a baby changes EVERYTHING? Instead of hot, sweaty nights breaking headboards and tickling each other with feathers, it’s changing poopy diapers and trying to keep that wolf at bay. Your sex life is OVER” (Okay, I really have no idea as I’m not a mother, but that’s the reason I keep telling myself I don’t want kids, so it’s all I know) I also didn’t take into consideration that Aunt Rose would sort of claim you as her own and it’s really her & Uncle Emmett’s sex life that is ruined. But anyway, discussing sex with a baby is pretty creepy, so I’m gonna stop.

If I had known about this, you would have creeped me out

You didn’t creep me out. You seemed cute and I loved how your family doted on you. You definitely changed the dynamic between your mommy & daddy, and I wasn’t exactly on board- I’m an adult with a job and bills and taxes and stuff. The reason I liked your mommy and daddy is because they were innocent kids without the worries of 401ks and global warming. (What the crap? I have NEVER worried about my 401k once) And now that you’re around… well, it seems like things might get more complicated. Instead of dirty talk it’s daycare talk. Instead of where Daddy is going to whisk Mommy off for Valentine’s day it’s “Can we trust the dog to not make a move while we’re gone.” And Daddy will stop looking at Mommy when she’s looking sexy and instead say, “Have you seen our daughter!? She looks wayyyyy too sexy. I read Jacob’s mind. Lock.Her.Up.Now.” I didn’t sign up for that. But all-in-all, I liked you!

However…. things have changed. In the past year I’ve met many of those in the majority- the closest one being Moon. I’ve heard the other side of the story. The side where people DON’T overlook the creepiness that your best friend Jacob will one day do things to you that would get us all arrested if I mention them now. I was never okay with that part of the story, I’ll admit. But I let it slide because it was one blimp in my perfect fantasy world. But as I’ve had Twilosophical conversations with friends and readers & commenters and then as I’ve discovered the world of “Renesmee Fan art,” I have to admit…. I might be switching Teams. I was on “Team Renesmee as long as I can still get hot Bella & Edward scenes” but now I’m on “Team maybe the Volturi should get Renesmee but leave everyone else alone” Oh- I don’t mean that (but I kinda do) It’s just that….. you’re creepy. A baby with special abilities? Who has a relationship with a wolf who used to love her mother? A wolf that will one day become her lover?

“What? Are yo- NO! NO! How, I don’t even know what you’re say- How Ho- Whadya whayda you talking about, yo- want me to go away- I, I, I can’t, I can’t I I can’t just leave – I… (fade out)”

Yeah, mommy knows how I feel.

Renesmee & Jacob

If it wasn't inappropriate, I'd make a doggy style joke here

So where do we go from here? How can you and I get back to the side of the minority- where I overlooked your creepiness so I could claim that, “The Twilight Saga is the best worst-written book series of all time”? I don’t know. I was going to say maybe Stephanie will write a new saga- picking up 10 years from where we left off- where you’re a full-grown adult and Jacob is allowed to have those thoughts about you like the ones he once had for your mommy. But then I realized that I bet Jacob/Renesmee fan fiction exists- I’m willing to bet my 401k on this- and I can’t imagine the creepiness. Oh, I’m sure it’s not some pedophilia stuff about you as a child with Jacob, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t care that Jacob’s body is frozen in time. Even if you are 10 with the body of a 17 year old, and Jacob is only 27 with the body of a 17 year old, you’re still TEN YEARS OLD. And he is TWENTY-SEVEN. And he kissed your MOMMY. I don’t care if that was because he loved her future unborn child that neither one of them knew about. THIS IS JUST ALL TOO CREEPY FOR ME TO HANDLE.

Also, I can’t believe I wrote an entire letter where I said Daddy & Mommy 16 times. I feel weird. I’m gonna go get drunk now- like a proper adult.

Love (sort of),
Aunt UnintendedChoice

Let’s talk Renesmee. Do you love her? Did you love her? Are you creeped out? Discuss!

And if you’re NOT creeped out, you will be after you see this:

Click. Seriously now. Click

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

185 Responses

  1. come on you guyz she so pretty and nice when she was small but this it’s maybe be stupid for you but i hate when she 15 years old i like her when she was baby or little girl

  2. I’m actually totally ok with Renesmee. I really think she’s cute and her mommy and daddy don’t seem unhappy with having her right? The only thing that annoyed me was Jacob IMPRINTING on her! I mean eeeeeeeeeeewwww :O. Right after loving B he suddenly changes from hating to loving her little BABY and he thinks it’s totally normal. I hate that imprinting stuff. It stinks. And I mean I started wondering after reading the book again for the second time… What if little Nessie is a grown up in like 7 years and she starts doing dirty stuff with Jacob? Edward will be able to see all of it in their thoughts! Yakk that’s just gross! But I do not really have any problems with Renesmee as I mentioned before, it’s just the dumbness of the Cullens (I mean WTF off course the child wants to drink blood I figured out wayy before they did!) and the creepiness of the imprinting. It’s just nasty. But Nessie’s alright. I think. But I don’t think I’m gonna watch the BD movie because I think it’ll stink. There’s no way to put a whole book like this in a movie of less that 2 hours. Duh.

  3. i aways look on google to see all the images of you.

  4. OMG i love when she was a child

  5. Okay, uh, I have a few things to comment on…please don’t bite, I’m merely human.

    First of all: Happy endings? Yeah, so what, I like them. In fact, I love them. They give me a sense of well, happiness, I mean not everything has to suck, right?
    Second of all: I do agree I liked Bella without being immortal, the relationship was risky, I was at the edge of my seat, etc. Making her a vampire kind of dulled things since now their relationship is not like forbidden, or anything. (Plus forever is kind of…a long time, don’t ya think?) Still, it’s true love, so whatevs….
    Third: I like Renesmee. Partly because I’m all lovey dovey with kids/babies and stuff, and partly because Bella and Edward seem like nice parents, (Okay, , they’re all freaky and all but, hello? They’re young and in love. Plus, no one’s perfect, right?) And the fact that Renesmee doesn’t wake up at night and stuff is pretty “logical” since Nessie isn’t normal…(BTW, I’m not against Nessie’s nickname, it’s pretty funny. And her first and middle names are also acceptable, they’re nice combinations. It’s called creativity, something I haven’t noticed in many people…)
    Last but not least: Jacob imprinting on Nessie? It’s about time he had some happiness! Sure, it’ll be weird later on, but aren’t they already? Plus, whether my Dad could read my brain or not, he would still be awkward if he were near me and my significant other, just sayin’…….

    Okay, I need to take a break from this ranting, between reading this whole thread and typing a reply my brain has started to brain. That is all.

  6. You think a work of fiction is creepy? Your REAL LIFE letter to a FICTIONAL character is the only creepy thing around here.

  7. Hey people i like the name renesmee and i have a fan flic out soon about renesmee and jacob but i do have to agree edward and the sex eyes is not edward at all im on team edward by by the way

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