Dear Renesmee

Dear Reneesmee, Renesemee, Renesmee, Renesmee,

First of all, can we address the spelling of your name? Every time I have to write it I have to slow down and think for a second. Or grab my Breaking Dawn book or look at a past letter where we mentioned you. It’s annoying. And I’m still not sure “Renesmee” is even how you even spell it. I get it- Mommy wanted to be all cute and pay homage to both of your grandmom’s,  but couldn’t she have just named you “Renee” or “Esme” and given you a middle name like the other gma’s? Whatever, that’s the least of what I’d change if I had my way.

Anyway, I figured it was about time I wrote to you directly. I’ve mentioned you over the past year- usually in advice letters to Jacob where I warn him that Chris Hansen is closing in- but I want to have a heart-to-heart. You see, I never really had a problem with you. I was one in the minority. Sure, I cringed a little when I realized what it meant when mommy was eating all those eggs & getting fatter. But it wasn’t a “OMG they just made a human/vampire cross-breed that’s gonna be creepy and have an inappropriate relationship with her mommy’s ex boyfriend” kind of way. It was more a “Oh shit, really Edward & Bella? Are you stupid? Your sex life is over. Don’t you know that having a baby changes EVERYTHING? Instead of hot, sweaty nights breaking headboards and tickling each other with feathers, it’s changing poopy diapers and trying to keep that wolf at bay. Your sex life is OVER” (Okay, I really have no idea as I’m not a mother, but that’s the reason I keep telling myself I don’t want kids, so it’s all I know) I also didn’t take into consideration that Aunt Rose would sort of claim you as her own and it’s really her & Uncle Emmett’s sex life that is ruined. But anyway, discussing sex with a baby is pretty creepy, so I’m gonna stop.

If I had known about this, you would have creeped me out

You didn’t creep me out. You seemed cute and I loved how your family doted on you. You definitely changed the dynamic between your mommy & daddy, and I wasn’t exactly on board- I’m an adult with a job and bills and taxes and stuff. The reason I liked your mommy and daddy is because they were innocent kids without the worries of 401ks and global warming. (What the crap? I have NEVER worried about my 401k once) And now that you’re around… well, it seems like things might get more complicated. Instead of dirty talk it’s daycare talk. Instead of where Daddy is going to whisk Mommy off for Valentine’s day it’s “Can we trust the dog to not make a move while we’re gone.” And Daddy will stop looking at Mommy when she’s looking sexy and instead say, “Have you seen our daughter!? She looks wayyyyy too sexy. I read Jacob’s mind. Lock.Her.Up.Now.” I didn’t sign up for that. But all-in-all, I liked you!

However…. things have changed. In the past year I’ve met many of those in the majority- the closest one being Moon. I’ve heard the other side of the story. The side where people DON’T overlook the creepiness that your best friend Jacob will one day do things to you that would get us all arrested if I mention them now. I was never okay with that part of the story, I’ll admit. But I let it slide because it was one blimp in my perfect fantasy world. But as I’ve had Twilosophical conversations with friends and readers & commenters and then as I’ve discovered the world of “Renesmee Fan art,” I have to admit…. I might be switching Teams. I was on “Team Renesmee as long as I can still get hot Bella & Edward scenes” but now I’m on “Team maybe the Volturi should get Renesmee but leave everyone else alone” Oh- I don’t mean that (but I kinda do) It’s just that….. you’re creepy. A baby with special abilities? Who has a relationship with a wolf who used to love her mother? A wolf that will one day become her lover?

“What? Are yo- NO! NO! How, I don’t even know what you’re say- How Ho- Whadya whayda you talking about, yo- want me to go away- I, I, I can’t, I can’t I I can’t just leave – I… (fade out)”

Yeah, mommy knows how I feel.

Renesmee & Jacob

If it wasn't inappropriate, I'd make a doggy style joke here

So where do we go from here? How can you and I get back to the side of the minority- where I overlooked your creepiness so I could claim that, “The Twilight Saga is the best worst-written book series of all time”? I don’t know. I was going to say maybe Stephanie will write a new saga- picking up 10 years from where we left off- where you’re a full-grown adult and Jacob is allowed to have those thoughts about you like the ones he once had for your mommy. But then I realized that I bet Jacob/Renesmee fan fiction exists- I’m willing to bet my 401k on this- and I can’t imagine the creepiness. Oh, I’m sure it’s not some pedophilia stuff about you as a child with Jacob, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t care that Jacob’s body is frozen in time. Even if you are 10 with the body of a 17 year old, and Jacob is only 27 with the body of a 17 year old, you’re still TEN YEARS OLD. And he is TWENTY-SEVEN. And he kissed your MOMMY. I don’t care if that was because he loved her future unborn child that neither one of them knew about. THIS IS JUST ALL TOO CREEPY FOR ME TO HANDLE.

Also, I can’t believe I wrote an entire letter where I said Daddy & Mommy 16 times. I feel weird. I’m gonna go get drunk now- like a proper adult.

Love (sort of),
Aunt UnintendedChoice

Let’s talk Renesmee. Do you love her? Did you love her? Are you creeped out? Discuss!

And if you’re NOT creeped out, you will be after you see this:

Click. Seriously now. Click

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

185 Responses

  1. I hated her when she was in B’s uterus.
    Then she got ripped outta B’s uterus and then I didn’t mind her.
    I liked her in the end.
    How the f*ck they’re gonna have her portrayed on BD is a
    mystery though; I think there’s only a small chance they’ll get it right.

    • A VERY small chance…

    • agreed – hated her when she was in the womb causing all that bruisin’. she was ok after that considering she sleeps which was good for BxE sex life as it faded to black again.

      i just can’t wait to see KStew pregnant and bloody one second then walking around with w/ a CGI baby the next minute. LOL

      • Yeah, that was the most unrealistic thing about the whole book–a baby who sleeps all night so Mommy and Daddy can have fun.

    • Agree, slim to none chance of getting it right.

      But at least it will give us more stuff to laugh about here, and love to hate.

  2. The only real problems I have with Nessie are:

    1) Bella calling her a “nudger”. Stop. This. It’s freaking weird.

    2) Imprinting with Jacob. This is freaking weirder. I took a Child Psych test the other day and “imprinting” was mentioned a millionish times. It all has something to do with baby ducks and their mothers. I’m quite certain that Stephanie Meyer remembered part of this from some class she took, stole it, and twisted it into this freakishness.

    Otherwise, she’s fine. I don’t mind that she ages fast. I don’t care if she can touch you and give you her thoughts. It’s a crazy story anyway.

    I also don’t care that her parents were young. I was young…. hell, I’m still young. Baby A just ensures that I’m not out smoking a crack pipe in an abandoned alley at two a.m. It’s really for the best. 😀

  3. I’ll try to put aside the creepy Jacob/Nessie factor as well.

    From the perspective of a mother of two, I will tell you I was pissed when I knew they were going to have a kid.

    Remember that scene in the woods during Edward and Bella’s first hunt together? Her dress was all torn and Edward was looking her up and down with the “sex eyes”? Then they fell to the ground and were getting all hot and heavy when Edward remembered they needed to get back to their baby? Remember that?

    Yeah, I do to. It was the moment I realized my fantasy was ruined. As a mother, I live that kind of life. It’s the “hurry up and get undressed and let’s do it real fast ’cause the kids are only going to be watching t.v. for 5 minutes” kind of sex life that most parents of young children have.

    When I have free time to read, I don’t want to read about that. I want to read about Bella and Edward getting freaky in the forest and NOT worrying about whether their kid has been fed.

    • Amen, toooldforthis! As a mother of two as well, I was also pissed when they had that baby! I don’t want to read about babies — I want to read about hot Bella and Edward. BD is my least favorite in the series b/c of Reneesme. UC’s right…how the Hale do you spell her name?!?

      • I don’t even try to spell her name anymore. I just use that awful Nessie nickname.
        That name was ridiculous. They should have gone with Carlie.

        • Carlie Renesmee is so much more preferable. Easier to say and cuter too. And I agree with you – Edward’s looking at you with sex eyes while your dress is in tatters and you want to go back to a baby? EPIC FAIL!

    • Agreed. Getting knocked up 1st time you have sex has no place in my ultimate fantasy world.

    • Yes, definitely NOT sexy. Luckily, I was not all caught up in Edward fantasies. I just read the books so I could think about Rob. 😉

    • OMG that part pissed me off! I was like, WTF? You finally get to get it on with no worries, and you postpone it?!? Bella can see Renesmee later! What kind of guy are you? I think I might have yelled at my book/Edward at that point. (Okay I did)

  4. I love that the description of the doll includes “the tutu can also be worn by a toddler.”

    I can’t decide how I feel about Renesmee. I hated the whole pregnancy thing. And the imprinting thing is really quite creepy. So I’m not sure.
    But like Jayde said, I have no idea how they’re gonna be able to portray this is BD. It could very easily end up being a failure of epic proportions.

    • That doll is one of the creepiest things I have ever seen!

      Who has an up to 6 month old and is willing to put the onesie on their child?

      Creepy Renesmee doll is almost as creepy as real Renesmee. And I may be over-anazlyzing it but shouldn’t it be Reneesme if it’s the combo of Renee and Esme?

  5. “If it wasn’t inappropriate, I’d make a doggy style joke here” <– I firmly believe that doggy style jokes are never inappropriate.

    As for Renesmee… well, I still don't believe that Edward (or any vampire) has potent sperm.

    • Thank you for bringing this up. It has always “bothered” me that a vampire who can’t produce tears and cry, is somehow able to produce sperm and ejaculate. Um, no. There should NEVER have been a Renesmee.

      I’m sure it has been discussed before. But it irritates me to no end. Okay, annoying uptight rant over.

      • Even if he did ejaculate, wouldn’t it have been venom and not sperm? Thereby causing the most painful vampire transformation ever!

        • I’m sure I’ve ranted about this before too, but it still doesn’t fail to bother me. I’m still not entirely sure what the vemon-to-other-bodily-fluid ratio is in a SMeyer vampire. I need a vampanatomy lesson.

          Edward can kiss Bella without getting venom into her system… so they’re not swapping venomous spit. The blood that vampires consume has to do something in their bodies… and the plasma in blood is mostly water, so there’s something sloshing around in a vampire’s internal anatomy. But semen? The main energy source of sperm cells is fructose… how the heck is Edward getting fructose??

          Okay, someone slap me. Please.

        • Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhk!

        • I’ve always been a member of the “he doesn’t have other human body fluids so why would he have sperm” school of thought, however there was a fanfiction that suggested since he was a virgin, and never even masturbated, that he had human sperm leftover that was basically “on ice” for eighty years. Interesting theory. But then wouldn’t Renesmee have been all human? Twi-science 101.

        • I’m cracking the fuck up at your comment – you are so effing bang-on (pardon the pun).

  6. Meh, she never bothered me, And the whole birth scene that everyone found so sicknast didn’t bother me either. Maybe that’s because I’ve given birth 3 times myself, or maybe I’m a sicko. Oh well. At least Steph made her able to sleep so Edward and Bella could still get their freak on all night long.

    • ” At least Steph made her able to sleep so Edward and Bella could still get their freak on all night long”

      Yes!!! Isnt that what its all about anyways 😉

  7. The birth scene in BD creeped me out more so than anything…until I saw that butt-ugly doll. Kinda reminds me of a girl version of Chuckie.

    • I still don’t particularily like dolls because of Chuckie. Stupid thing scared the crap out of me when I was a kid. I’m scarred for life.

      That doll SO makes me think of Chuckie. She’s like the bride of Chuckie. At least they didn’t make her walk and talk….. crap, did they make that Renesmee doll walk and talk? Dear God tell me no!

  8. i just don’t like the concept of bella and edward having a kid. it just doesn’t make sense. it’s too much of a tied-up-in-gift-wrap-with-a-bow-on-top ending.

    • There was a point in Breaking Dawn where I thought Stephenie Meyer was going down a checklist of the white, heterocentric American dream:

      Nice car? Check.
      Perfect baby? Check.
      New house? Check.
      Ex-boyfriend still around but in love with someone else? Check.

      I almost gave up when the Volturi “battle” at the end only killed one vampire. Even J.K. Rowling killed off fairly important characters in Deathly Hallows. It would have been awesome if someone killed Emmett, then Rose went apeshit and took out Caius or something. Maybe a wolf or two could bite it too.

      • I agree…all that build up and no delivery. Sort of like some guys I’ve dated.

      • Yes, that is one of the main irritations I have with BD. Her “checklist” of utterly self-absorbed happily-ever-after. “Cause we should ALL be entitled to these things.

        And her version of happily-ever-after bears absolutely no resemblance to mine.

        • You don’t have a cabin in the woods?

          • Actually, that particular item would be in my version of happily-ever-after!

            It’s just the other stuff–immortality, having to settle for unsatisfying animal blood FOREVER, having to have sex (albeit supposedly awesome sex) with the same dude (albeit a perfect dude) FOREVER, no sleep (I love sleep), having to outlive all my human family, having my pets suddenly fear and avoid me, boredom, etc.–I can do without.

            And it makes me a little sick, what with all the luxury cars, mansions, never having to actually do any REAL work, just lounging around be exceedingly wealthy and insanely gorgeous. It’s not even like you’ve really got to take care of your kid, cause you’ve got creepy Aunt Rose and wolf-boy to do that for you. Just don’t like that whole message. I mean, would that really be someone’s idea of happily-ever-after? Really? B-O-R-I-N-G.

          • It’s almost my happily ever after….

            Take away wolf boy & living forever and add endless amounts of books to read and it sounds perfect.

            I’m boring though.

          • I understand. I also like the security of wealth, and laying around reading books is awesome for a while. But maybe I’m just strange. I like a little hardship, some challenge. I want to work. At least Carlisle works and helps people. But Esme’s life seems lame and unfulfilling to me. And Alice just shops and plans parties. And Rose just glowers. *yawn*

            Now if they could just find a way to actually be productive members of society rather than just abstain from killing all of society, that would be more desirable. ‘Course, I’m commenting on a Twi-blog, so I’m currently not really being a productive member of society yet today, am I??

          • I’m with you, whyamidoingthis.

      • Yep, more heart wretching deaths please. Reneesmee made it all turn out vomitingly sweet. It would have been great if Jake had been ripped to shreds by the volturi as a result of Bella doing something stupid, illogical or selfish – preferably all three. At least then I could have had some top grade quality time crying into my pillow sobbing and then moving on to months of little poignant smiles at reminders of anything remotely Jacoby/wolfy.

        Oh, well -smiles poignantly-

        • I agree about the deaths, esp. Jake (and I am a fan of the big bad wolf). But we are old experienced and know that happy endings are boring All those tweens that this series was actually written for dig that happy ending shit.

          • The other thing that creeps me out is Edward and Jacob’s new ‘relationship’….. Did Eddie call Jacob ‘son’ at one point in BD – eughhhhh. Actually I hope they keep that in the movie, mwah!

            I would really feel for the actors going in to this one if they weren’t making so much cash out of it. Maybe they’ll have plenty of empty popcorn buckets on hand on set.

  9. Holy Jesus… I did not click that last one. I just shuddered and cried a little. I’ve admitted to a lot of things on this blog… now it’s time to admit my fear of dolls. They freak me the hell out. Always have. And that right there? That is the DEVIL! I need to go rock in a corner somewhere now…

  10. I did not like that Edward and Bella had a kid.

    1. Of COURSE she got pregnant the very first time she has sex… ugh.
    2. I agree with TOO the reminder that you only have 5 minutes to get some before the kids come barging in the room, or worse…shake the door handle while saying ” mommy? Mommy? Why is the door locked? is just too depressing.
    3. They had almost two years of longing looks ,heated kisses and a leg hitch. Couldn’t of there been a least six months of thumping wall sex? Thank God for FF
    4. Stupid name, Im not looking forward to what would/could be the BD movie. (bad fangirl – I know) I dont see how they can pull it off, theres too much to get in, (twss) the nomads, bella’s shield, the wedding Jakes pain………….If they cant do it right and just, why do it at all? They missed so much with Twilight and New Moon.

    • WORD!

    • “shaking the door handle” lol !!!

      or my favorite, “What’s that noise? What were you doing?”

    • AMEN! As much of a fangirl as I am, I’m kind of hoping they don’t do BD just because I don’t think they can pull it off. And don’t even get me started on 3-D!!

      • The 3D rumors are scaring me as well. The only thing worse than a creepy, rapidly aging, blood drinking, telepathic CGI baby will be one in 3D.

      • Oh, please, let’s do get started on the 3-D. Think of the possibilities!
        The feathers from the ravaged pillow showering down around your head!
        The birth scene! Kinda like in “Alien” only up close–you can just feel Edward’s razor-sharp teeth cutting through Bella’s flesh!
        Jacob’s big doggy eyes and fuzzy snout, peering over the back of the couch, kind of drooling at Renesmee in Rosalie’s lap.

        • TOO

          Good point, can you see how we could RHPS during the movie

          Bring feathers, waterbottles, a dog dish, opaque drinking glasses with straws to start.

          • gawd, it’s going to be like the Rocky Horror Picture Show, audience participation.

          • Oh, yes, you are def. on to something there! That could redeem the whole mess!
            Wait, now I’m thinking about a RHPS/Twilight mashup. Tiffanized had a hilarious breakdown of which characters are which on her blog.

          • 3-D would be great!

            Just think, 3-D sparkle peen.

        • that would be an absolute disaster, by now the only reason i am going to see this movie is on principle

  11. Your sex life is only temporarily over after having kids. And Rob porn pretty much puts you back in the game like never before….

    • Yes, when they hit five years old there is this realization that you have a bunch of free time that you used to use to take care of the babies. No diapers? No feedings? Kids at school most of the day? There are suddenly hours left over for sex or reading or sleep. I chose sleep.

    • I concur! He re-lit that fire with sparkles… I mean sparks.

  12. Wow, UC. Now I’m the only one on the planet that doesn’t have a problem with Renesmee. Of course, I never thought about the fact that:

    A. Jacob kissed and fantasized about Bella, and is now presumably in love with mini-Bella. I’m sure there is a Greek-tragedy psych term for this, but we’ll just call it “creeptastical” for now.
    B. Once Renesmee is grown and doing it with Jacob on a regular basis, Edward is going to see Jacob’s memories of this. Again, this is some hillbilly, family-tree-doesn’t-fork kind of stuff.

    I’ll have to think on these things. Now I’m bothered.

  13. I never remember how to spell Renesmee. In fact, it took me a long time to be able to say it correctly. The first time I was reading BD I was looking for a job and filling out lots of online applications. So everytime I looked at her name I saw/heard the “resume.”

  14. this is exactly why i’m terrified to see Breaking Dawn with potential unicorns.. as if it isn’t hard enough to get ’em to read one book from the saga, i’d have to do my best to convince them to try and understand this.. this.. creeptasticness? weirdness? travesty? i don’t know. i’ve even labeled these as “WTF moments”. i mean, what would my potential unicorn say after watching the movie/s??

    which leads me to ask this question:

    do we really want/need to see breaking dawn made into a movie??

    i’m all for the wedding and the isle esme moments but how ’bout the WTF moments?? will i live to see these things w/ fans and non-fans in the theater? i’d just die…most probably of an overdose of 2nd-hand embarassing moments brought about by WTF moments.

    • will u please allow me to state the WTF moments? if u won’t mind? i’m bored. so here goes:

      1. (considering there won’t be any cockblocking) when E & B do it.. i mean, all the pillow tearing and headboard destroying?
      2. Bella and her pregnancy. ‘Nuff said.
      3. Bella drinking blood from a cup
      4. Renesmee being born. Again, ’nuff said.
      5. The wolf falling for the baby
      6. All those other creepy vampires

      ermm.. what else?

      again: do we really need to see these portrayed visually?? can’t these images just be in my head and stay there? waa!!

  15. “But then I realized that I bet Jacob/Renesmee fan fiction exists- I’m willing to bet my 401k on this- and I can’t imagine the creepiness.”

    There is a ton of Jacob/Renesmee fanfic out there and is totally disturbing!!! The worst one I came across seemed like the “author” had wholesale copied Breaking Dawn… Renesmee gets pregnant and its even quicker, babies (3 of them, well dogs have more than one at a time I guess…) are born after 2-week pregnancy and mature in 2 years… even worse Leah and Seth imprint on 2 of them… which paves the way for even MORE disturbing fanfiction!

    Ugh, how I wish I could un-read something… how’s the patent for that brain-bleach coming along?

  16. *tweed time*
    Like UC it (<—hah, I love how without thinking I referred to Renesmee as "it") didn't really bother me SO much at the beginning, but after the shock of the whole book wore off and I reread it and I saw what other fans were saying, I've started to realize that it definitely bothers me a little, though I'm still on the fence. Here's my Renesmee pro-con list:

    – The name
    – Bella's entire pregnancy. Oddly, the blood drinking thing didn't bother me SO much because I felt that the fact that the Cullens didn't figure it out sooner (I figured out that long before they did) was ridiculous and it was a relief when they finally discovered that blood was what the 1/2 vampire fetus wanted. It also left me a little freaked out about having children. When the time comes, I will have to remind myself that my husband does NOT need to chew the child out of my womb, in fact he doesn't even have to be in the room if I don't want him to be, and as long as I don't see BD during the course of my pregnancy I should be fine. Let's hope it comes out long before then. The pregnancy scenes were so drawn out that this was really my biggest problem with Nessie.
    – The abrupt transformation to innocent, still sort of a schoolgirl newly-wed Bella to this relatively calm/confident pregnant woman/sexy mom within the time period of a month was a bit disconcerting. An 18 year old mother probably isn't going to be as hot and put together as the mother-Bella, even if she transforms into a flawless vampire. And I agree that she should have had more "alone" time with Edward before the Nessie Conception and to come to terms with being a wife. On the other hand, where's the drama in that?
    – Nessie's mind-visual-communication thing was freaky. I will concede that the story line would not have 'worked' without this ability, but I just find that this power was a bit of a turn-off from Nessie.

    – Okay, the imprinting. Honestly, maybe it was all of those years I watched the Bold and the Beautiful with my mom when I was in high school (Brooke and Deacon, anyone?) but the whole mother-daughter sharing of the wolfboy thing didn't bother me since Bella's past with Jacob will be well in the past before any romance happens between Nessie and Jacob. Am I weird? I was just happy Jacob got his happy ending, because he did deserve it.

    – I actually think Bella did give up a lot to become a vampire and I felt she deserved to have a daughter.
    – I am hoping that Stephenie writes a spin-off someday with Renesmee and Jacob. I'd much rather read about the two of them than, say, Jacob and the grump-ola Leah.
    – I acutally enjoyed the fantasy aspect of Breaking Dawn. I was a bit tired of the story played out in Twilight through Eclipse, you have to give Breaking Dawn credit for being different.

    • After rereading my post, let me make it clear that I am not actually OK with the concept of mother-daughter sharing of men (ewewew) but I just felt that in the context of Breaking Dawn, I can accept it because 1) the space of time between Bella’s relationship with Jacob and Renesmee’s relationship with Jacob will be a relatively long period of time 2) Bella and Jacob never actually did anything that was more than rated “G” 3) I don’t think Bella actually loved Jacob that much “romantically”. Her mind was always with Edward. Since their relationship was by and large a friendship, I think that makes a bit of a difference with the whole concept.

      Finally, the more I try to rationalize and defend it, the more I start to see the problems with it so I’m going to stop here.

    • *hehe* You said Jacob got a happy ending. *hehe*

    • “Oddly, the blood drinking thing didn’t bother me SO much because I felt that the fact that the Cullens didn’t figure it out sooner (I figured out that long before they did) was ridiculous and it was a relief when they finally discovered that blood was what the 1/2 vampire fetus wanted”
      -The Cullens are dumb. Clueless about Victoria being the newborn starter. Maybe that’s why they’re all still in high school.

  17. I try to pretend that she doesn’t exist. The only part I REALLY like of the ENTIRE book was right after Bella became a vampire. When she woke up and was HAWT and in that sexy dress and then went hunting. And then the whole nomad part…where all those other vamps came in, that part was cool…I guess cause R wasn’t around much.

    That was it. That’s all I liked. Volturi blew. Wedding blew. Jacob POV not necessary. Blech is my rating.

  18. I’m feeling all unnerved panda right about now.

  19. I have to admit, Renesmee herself never bothered me. Maybe it’s because I have two little ones of my own and it hasn’t slown the Mr and I down a bit as a result. 😉 I actually was like: “OMG! Bella’s pregnant!” all happy. I know. Minority.

    Yes, it creeped me out when I realized at the end of Jacob’s ‘book’ what was going on and he was imprinting on a baby – that he was doing what Quill did with Claire that creeped me out. But I wanted so badly to over-look it I rationalized it. I convinced myself it wasn’t like THAT…..

    But then I started thinking… Like I do a lot…. I started snickering to myself about what their lives will be like when she reaches ‘full maturity’ in, what was it, 6 years…

    EDWARD CAN READ MINDS. What will Daddy dearest think/do when Jacob and Renesmee’s thoughts are no longer so innocent and pure about each other? Could you imagine your father listening to the dirty things that have run through the mind of your husband/boyfriend/significant other? Things you’ve to each other? Things he wants to do to you or you to him? I actually thought about writing down the epic/funny scene I imagined down because it’s given me hours of entertainment. I probably should…

  20. Oh! I nearly forgot… but it’s just as important.

    How awkward would this be? Say you’re Renesmee. How would you feel if you were her? The guy who loves you/with you (when you’re old enough of course) used to want your mommy in a bad, bad way. They kissed. Your mom and your guy used to be in love with one another. He used to fantisize about her hard core all the time. Could you be okay with that?

  21. Oh great. Riiiiiiiiiiight when I thought there was nothing new in the Twilosophy world to freak me out, you come up with this! AND THAT DOLL! wtf is wrong with people? I have some pretty nerdy hobbies, but OMG.

    As for Renessessemmeessemse, I didn’t mind her the first read-through, because I was still so immersed in the story, I wasn’t to the point of questioning it. I even LIKED that Jacob imprinted on her, because I thought it just tied things up neatly.

    Now that I have had a year to digest and think about it, and you all have put these thoughts and images in my head, I think I have firmly gone over to the side of ewwww.

    The possiblity of this story being dragged out in 2 movies boggles the mind, it does.

    • OMG! I agree. That doll is UBER freaky!!! Seriously wrong.

      • Definitely agree, and why the bloody quote on the vest? Sure THAT’S normal, have a Daddy quote on the baby clothes, now why didn’t I think of that, I could have had “Your turn to put the bin out” or “Make me a cup of tea” on my son’s babygro…

  22. HOLY SHIT! That is all

  23. Renesmee changed everything .

    I don´t like Bella and Edward after she was born , they changed very quickly … If I knew they would become like that at the end It would´ve ruined the other 3 books for me.

    Bella shoudn´t be a mother

  24. I hate hate HATED Renesme! It was Stephenie breaking the damn rules of her own universe and then acting like she hadn’t. Proof:


    And I quote: “And since we’re talking physiology…I’ve had tons of people ask if vampires can have babies. ****The answer is no.**** When someone becomes a vampire, it’s as if they are frozen exactly as they are in that moment.”

    SHE HERSELF SAID THEY CAN’T HAVE THE BBZ! What she said means Edward’s balls are frozen in time and can’t make sperm, how could he have impregnated Bella in that case? That’s what pissed me off about Breaking Dawn and makes me unable to control my nausea for Renesme. She shouldn’t have happened! She was an impossibiity in the Twilight Universe! And then SMeyers whines and simpers, “I worded it carefully! I only meant *female* vampires!” Either you didn’t and can’t stick to your own canon or you lied to us. I think it’s the latter.

    This is where I started hating myself for liking this series, for realz y’all. Breaking Dawn was like awful fanfiction. It made me sick that I had pimped the series and loved it so much and spent major $ to be a part of the fandom, only to be slapped in the face by SMeyer when she broke her own canon.

    Note to Stephenie: Intelligent readers don’t like being lied to. You can lose a lot of respect from your fans when you string us along and lie like that.

  25. I too, hate her for the womb-punching and almost killing Bella–grusomeness. I mean…I WANTED to get rid of her and so did Edward! Edward didn’t even want her!

    Renessmeeee (however you spell it) and I will never be on good terms. Stupid CGI baby. and you know it will be.

    Ash 🙂

  26. Thanks to all your comments, Ang’s awesome breakdown and Twi-daughter constantly talking about BD..I think I have enough information..(or maybe more than I wanted in the first place) to make a comment….What the HALE.. I just don’t get!! SM seems to have gone to great lengths to keep the Saga suitable for tweens, yet ends the series with vamp/human pregnancyEdward chewing out the baby?/imprinting on an infant and so on..?? My daughter keeps insisting it is like someone else wrote that whole part of the book. Not only is it gross, creepy and just ewww, its just dumb.
    For example:
    Carlisle has been a doctor like FOREVER and he can’t figure out a better way to care for Bella/ deliver the baby?
    I get the whole Rosalie wants the child for herself, but seriously, there are how many other Cullens that could have overpowered her. I mean.really?
    Why didn’t Alice see any of this??
    No better way to deliver the baby than chew it out…come on?? Sharpen a vamp fingernail and use it like a scapel!!
    Imprinting with Jacob is a cheap way to give everyone a happy ending…except the readers..its just gross..
    The whole pregnancy just doesn’t fit, is not relevant to the story..(I know I haven’t read it, but if it was just thrown in to evoke the Volturi..weren’t they supposed to “check on Bella” as they said they would in NM? They could have been sneaking around after the wedding and seen that Bella was still human and let the fight begin.
    I would have hoped that the “turning” of Bella could have been what I imagined it would be..beautiful, touching and the perfect ending to the story that we all fell in love with in the first place..
    BTW I hate hate hate RensemIhatethenamee..could SM not been just a little more creative?
    My biggest peeve is that it sounds like Edward is a mess in BD..this is when I wanted the two of them to be at their BEST..I don”t want a brooding, panicked, doesn’t know what to do with what he has waited his whole 100+ years for? Sad so sad..and disapointing…maybe he should have “let the van crush her and saved himself all this regret?”

    • MidCyn – you had me until “maybe he should have let the van crush her.” haha! Yeah, BD is so not PG! As an adult, I’m fine with it. But I think if I had a tween daughter I’d be a little weirded out by her reading it.

      • LOL..I knew that would get you!! All I was trying to say that after EVERYTHING that they went through and Edward almost loses her b/c of a baby that couldn’t be conceived in the first place? It doesn’t make sense even to me! Its not a workable/believable/comfortable/acceptable etc., way to go? I want the perfect ending to the not perfect love story! Even as an adult I am not comfortable with it…lol!

        • MidCyn – See I actually think that in the end, you do get the “perfect ending.” Perhaps even too perfect. There’s just so much crap to get through/accept in the story before you get that ending! But I think you’d be happy with the final outcome. Despite all Edward and Bella go through, they are blissfully happy in the end with each other and also with Nessie.

    • MidCyn: I had another thought I wanted to share. I’m reading BD now. Edward is a mess, as you said, during the pregnancy. But honestly, after the baby is there and Bella is changed, he is back to the Eddie you know and love. I’m picking up on the tenderness between Edward and Bella more this time around (reading #3) perhaps because I’m no longer in shock about the whole baby thing!

      • No fair…You didn’t tell me about that part..all I have heard from everyone is up to the gross you owe me an email DETAILING THE GOOD PARTS..(specially since I am down w/the stomach bug) I need some good Eddie medicine! 😉

        • MidCyn – sorry you are sick! OK, I owe you an e-mail tonight breaking down the post-birth part of BD….including the “happily ever after” parts. 🙂

      • I agree, there are some very lovely moments between Bella and Edward. I think we tend to focus on the “freaky” parts a bit since this book was so unique in that sense but there was a lot of romance too.

        The book was mostly drama either through the messy, dangerous, scary pregnancy or waiting for the Volturi, which was also terrifying. It was a little disappointing that we didn’t get to see MORE happy Edward and Bella, but on the other hand, where’s the drama in that?!

        Some of the loveliest parts of BD were Bella and Edward’s wedding and dancing afterwards, the honeymoon the first few days, when Edward can hear Renesmee’s thoughts for the first time, Edward’s tenderness with Renesmee, the hunting scene right after Bella is turned (very hot, everything that the Anne of Green Gables sequence in NM movie wasn’t), and the last two pages of the book – of sugary happiness.

        That’s why I’d love to some day (when some of the Twilight hype has worn off) love to read a sequel about Jacob and Renesmee (am I the only one in this???) So we can also see a little bit of the Bella and Edward later on in the future, just to be sure they’re still blissfully happy.

        • Love your “lovliest parts” list! I also really love all the times Edward marvels over how “easy” Bella makes being a newborn vampire seem. I picture him smiling a lot in that part. He seems both impressed and proud of her. And every time he says “Bella, love” I swoon.

    • I keep seeing comments today along the lines of “it’s as if she (S.Meyer) didn’t write this book”

      Basically, my thought has been all along (and I’ve said this before) that the editors really dropped the ball with this book.

      Not to doubt Stephenie’s abilities because every writer, even the great ones, need to have editors and copyeditors who have a good grasp on the story and aren’t afraid to chop and/or rearrange, retell, etc., when necessary. I still think Stephenie Meyer is a great storyteller and Breaking Dawn as a whole was also a great story. But the way it was told, the consistency, the clarity, the flow, etc., it was at times awkward/off/clumsy/confusing and just cringe-worthy, noticeably so compared to the other books (which is why I think this was an editing inconsistency). It’s as if the editors and publisher were so excited that these books had become famous, they decided to be hands off and let the book go straight to print with very little work at all…and this is what happens. As the judges of Project Runway would say, it was “poor execution”. There were “problems with the construction.” “It looks cheap.” etc.

      It’s a shame because there were some great, great moments, they just got lost. And that’s an #editorfail

  27. Ew. Also…Edward, as said by many of you, can read minds.

    EDWARD can not only READ MINDS…but read JACOB’S MIND and what impure thoughts he’s having about Renessssmeee.

    Gross. I can’t think about it because I get all grossed out over Jacob which shouldn’t happen.

    Breaking Dawn as a 3D movie would give me nightmares.

    🙂 Ash

  28. Thank God – I don’t feel horrible anymore. Anytime I mentioned not liking her, I got the strangest reactions from everyone. Honestly, I prefer to think of the story without her. I love, love, love babies and families, but this was most definitely the exception. I think it was just because it seemed like something to take away from Edward and Bella’s relationship, a distraction or something of that sort. I was never fond of her, even while reading Bella’s adoration – I just never felt it.

    Whenever I think about the story, she is never something I think about. I just unconsciously leave her out.

  29. Wait, WHAT?! There was a fourth book?!?! To Catch a Wolf Predator Imprinting on a Demon Spawn, right? I *think I heard some talk about that.
    I wouldn’t know. Twilight was a TRILOGY. I pretend as if it NEVER EXISTED.
    Breaking Dawn wasn’t fail. It was so far past fail it was utterly failtacular.

    P.S.- You’re spot on about the post baby sex life.

  30. It’s funny, the first time I read BD I was more upset about Bella becoming a vampire than anything else. I felt that what made her relationship with Edward special was that they weren’t supposed to be able to be together and there was danger involved, and still they wanted to be together. That’s a good love story in my book.

    The second time was different because I wasn’t rooting for Bella to stay human anymore, but it was still weird as hell. And I like Jacob’s point of view because you get to see how bat-shit crazy Bella and Rosalie are, but then I just feel like Jacob still gets a bum deal. Um, I get to be in love with a baby and wait for her to grow up and hope she likes me too? THANKS!!!

    Yuck soup all around.

  31. I do not like the baby, I did not like the pregnancy; I do not like the creepy relationship with Rose… The book pulled a 180 for me once B realizes she is preggars. I threw my book against the wall screaming obscenities, as my husband looked at me in horror. It took every ounce of strength I had to finish the book

    It makes me sick how everyone just fawns over this child; it’s like hearing your best friend describe her new relationship over and over… I got to the point where I hated her because I couldn’t get away from reading about her. All the “yes my loves, let’s get back to our majestic, perfect, holier-than-though child…because she is all I can think about unless we are having carnal sex”

    And that god awful name… this would have been a great time for Edward to speak up, “um, honey, your about to bleed out, lets re-evaluate that name when you come to.” I think they should have named it Mason, or Elizabeth – after Edwards’s mom, totally would have understood that, and maybe I would have liked it beter.

    And really Stephanie, this is still a 17 and 18 year old having a baby – vampires or not, thats very young…

  32. WET BLANKET ALERT: I am totally okay with everything about Breaking Dawn.

    The birth thing, been there, done that. ‘Nuf said.

    Imprinting? Jake loves Renesmee (hate the nickname) like a father loves his child at first. I’m thinking over time his love for her will change into something romantic and things will happen appropriately.
    As for Renesmee being 7: She already grows at a rate unlike any other child. Who’s to say she wouldn’t make it past 7? This is new territory here. We just don’t know.
    As for the Edward reading Jake’s mind: Don’t you think Edward and Jake would’ve made an agreement to avoid awkward moments? Edward would just not look into Jacob’s mind when Jake has the “sex eyes” or something? Since Edward can control it after all. Besides, don’t you think Edward has already learned that lesson with Rose and Emmett? I mean really…

    • OKay, cant believe Im going to write this…

      Renesmee only grows to the age of a seven year old human, stuck as a child/vamp forever like in “Interview with a Vampire”

      Remember the little half vampire boy (who was 150 year old) that was found that also took a liking to Renesmee towards the end of the book.

      My book is at home so I cant look up his name, lived in the jungle with his Aunt, he killed is mother during his birth. blah, blah, blah

      • No, she does grow to be a fully mature adult, just since she ages so rapidly, she hits that stage when she is about 7 chronological years.

      • I can’t remember his name either. Didn’t it start with an H? Something weird.

        Anyway, I do remember that. Guess my mind lets me make allowances that I prefer since the story just ended there. 🙂

  33. UC said “”Team Renesmee as long as I can still get hot Bella & Edward scenes”. Seriously, sometimes the Freudian slips on here are just too too funny!!! 😛

  34. Okay I have seen comments about “The birth thing? S’okay! I have given birth, too.”

    Um, I have given birth…however there are certain things that DID NOT HAPPEN.
    For one, my child didn’t not try to punch her way out. Sure, the contractions hurt like HELL…
    Secondly, my husband wasn’t like “EFF this doctor! You’re too slow! I’mma BITE HER OUT!!!” and eat my uterus.
    And three, my best friend didn’t say “Wow! Cute baby..I’m so gonna marry HER one day!”
    Childbirth is great. Demonbirth is a whole other ballgame. One that I thought was FAR reaching for S. Meyer in this series.
    I felt like starting at the honeymoon S. Meyer phoned it in. Half of her writing didn’t even sound like her. As much as I liked the books(the first 3), if my daughter decides to read them I will definitely go through the fundmental flaws in them with her.

    I will, and have always, stood by the thought that S. Meyer wrote her own fantasies. SHE was Bella. And all of that bled into her stories. The no sex, the marrying young, the pregnant the first time. All of it.

    P.S- I was married VERY YOUNG.

    P.P.S- I had a baby very young.

    P.P.P.S- I still don’t believe it’s a good idea, though I’d never change my daughter for anything.

    • Your husband didn’t chew through your uterine wall to deliver the baby? That’s a shame. You really missed out.

  35. May I also add that I quite like ‘Renesmee’ as her name but I f*cking HATE ‘Nessie’!!!

  36. i am Team Renesmee
    -because the cuteness of Edward as a daddy is even better than the cuteness of Edward refering to Esme and Carlisle as Mom and Dad.
    -because there are some good Jake/Nessie fanfics out there that actually have story lines (not that i don’t like some of that smut)
    BUT i hated Jake when he first imprinted on her.
    because it is nasty, even in Eclipse when there was QUil and Claire i was like eww

  37. Bella, Ortho Tri Cyclen.

    BEFORE the wedding. Jeesh!

  38. Ok….my theories…

    1) Renesmee = Plot (Not EVERYTHING has to be about Bella and Edward…gasp…shock…yeah I know)

    2) Its called suspension of disbelief. Good novels are based on it.

    3) Faaaaantttaaaassssyyyy….

    4) Why do people wanna kill off Jacob? Jeez ppl…biased much? I say kill Edward (cause I’m in the mood for a downthumbing) and make Bella fall in love with Marcus (Is he the guy who lost his wife?) just to shake things up a bit. (ok I dont mean that…I dont like death period)

    Yeah I’m a bit peeved. The “kill off Jacob” and “imprinting is weird” really gets to me. And yes I like a happy ending where no one dies thank you very much. There’s enough sadness and death in RL for me.
    Morning! 🙂

    • for your #4-
      If Edward was killed, Bella’d totally go for Carlisle. Then Esme and she would have to throw down. Rose would snatch the baby and flee while the gals were busy ripping heads off and stuff.
      Could be called “Morning After”.

    • I still think the imprinting is weird, but I don’t like the “kill of Jacob” thing either. I like Jacob! And I love that there was a happy ending.
      It was my one hope for the last book: Edward had to be with Bella, but Jacob had to be happy too 🙂

      • Hurray! A happy ending fan! I’m sorry I’m so pissy. *In Edward voice* personal reasons…are making me really really really want a happy ending for everything and everyone.

        • I like the happy ending in the series, too. Thanks Stephenie. To be honest with everyone I much prefer the Cullen mayhem with a happy ending that was Breaking Dawn to the horrifying bloodbath and a sort of Deathly Hallows. (See Harry Potter comments below.)

          While we’re on the topic of comparing Harry Potter and Twilight, Stephenie Meyer isn’t the only Great Author of Our Time to Screw Up Children’s Names. Albus Severus, anyone?

    • Awww, Illegal, didn’t mean to upset you about Jacob. I luuurve Jacob like a teenage fangirl, he’s the reason I luuurve ‘lil Scampy Lauts in a no longer creeper way, he’s the only reason that kept me from throwing Twilight out the window when I first read it.


      I would have prefered him to go down in a blaze of wolfy glory rather than end up as Eddie’s son-in-law (I am sorry, I do have Edward issues). Can you imagine the death scene – EPIC!!!!!

      My other alternative fantasy for him was to get it on with Leah – I like Leah, she rocks and she already has plenty of experience to share.

  39. UC,

    Babies do kill the sex life. I mean really, just look at my avi. I always have a baby attached to my hip or on my back. My own personal spidermonkey.


    PS. Love the post, as always!

  40. Ok, like you I’m kinda creeped out by the whole Jake-loved-your-mommy-first thing. Buuuut, as far as the age difference goes…how is it that different from Bella and Edward? Technically Edward is like 108 years old, he’s just got the frozen (perfect) body of a 17-year-old.

  41. I was a bit creeped out by Renesmee at first, but I was happy Jacob found someone to love after being dragged through the mud by that cockteasing hussy for three books. /rant

    Granted SM reams Jacob ONCE AGAIN by making him stay a virgin until he’s 30, but the fact that he’ll be nailing Edward’s daughter is a total bonus.


    • I think I love you.

    • Hahahahaha!

      Team Edward fan, here. But I must say, “cockteasing hussy” is an appropriate description.

      I think we should form “Team Edward/Jacob Because that Bitch Bella Doesn’t Deserve Either One”.

  42. Yeahhhh BD, as soooo many Twilosophy students in serious Tweed have said before, was epic editor fail.

    She needed one of these:

    On first reading, I thought R was pretty weird, but I was mainly super PISSED about that ultimate cock-block of a non fight scene. Come ON!

    I never thought I’d say this about a book-to-movie series, but it would be best if they actually broke with canon and did BD nothing like the book from the wedding on. Like that would ever happen though.

    I’ll just have to content myself with FF which starts after Victoria gets turned into a pile of metallic ash.

    Hell we could have one big creative orgy here on LTT and come up with – How We Actually Wish The Last Twilight Book Went.

    No babies allowed.


  43. I’m glad I was away for this post – no one needed the vitriol I would have unleashed.

  44. I can’t believe you did that to me! I’m in the middle of a BD re-read, and my mind is already working as hard as it possibly can trying to block out the new and ugly thoughts I’ve been having of Edward hearing Jacob thinking sexy thoughts about Renesmee (it should be mentioned that at this point I’ve already DECIDED that this would not happen until she had been alive for enough years to make her legal in the human world), so my mind is clearly not ready for any more strain. Then you throw that picture with the dog at me, and unfortunaltely I did not see the comment early enough for me to have something to distract me with while seeing it. So my mind makes the jump straight to… well, an image. Yes, because that’s the way my mind works, it makes images. I am now disgusted with myself, and if it wasn’t for the fact that I wouldn’t get to bring BD with me to jail, I would very much consider turning myself in to the next uniformed person I saw.

  45. …hello Mrs. Robinson…hehe, sorry, the mommy moment made me think of that. The age probably wouldn’t bother me as much since I mean…Edward and Bella…but the whole making out with mom. Now that would mess with me.

    I’d like her more if she was more like a normal baby. End of sex life yes, but it’s also a once in a lifetime chance…Most parents think their kids grow up too fast, and it’s depressing that they’ll need to deal with an annoying teenager for all eternity, while just breezing through all the “my mommy is my best friend and my daddy is the only man I’ll ever need”..yadda yadda. Instead they get an annoying teenager who will always smell bad cause she’s with a werewolf.

  46. OH. EM. GEE. !!!!11!!1!!!!!!
    I came out of exile and lurkdom to tell you: you guys are effing hilarious! This whole thread is pure gold and the reason I love LTT!

    Spell the baby’s name like you do “Mississippi”:

    The whole Twilight film saga as audience participation (like the Rocky Horror Show) is BRILLS! That would be so much fun! There’s tons of cheese to laugh at and make fun of, right?!? And the part where the whole theater gets up and shakes their booties like Newton and we all say “bow chicka wow wow” would be awesome!!

    “Edward’s frozen balls” LOL- I’m making them for my next party. Out of sparkly ice cream with a walnut half inside each one. And they’ll smell like vanilla cookies.

    Even though I have read books 1-3 countless times, I can’t seem to bring myself to ever crack open BD again. And there is FF out there that does BD better than SMeyer herself did. Just sayin’.

    *crawls back under rock*

  47. I can’t believe I just sat here and read EVERY comment…this is the best thread EVER.


  48. I must say that the whole Jacob and Renesmee love thing creeped me out to the extreme, but that doll at the bottom scared me more and that’s not even what she’s supposed to look like. It also weirds me out how she can talk when shes like what, a week old?

  49. why is everyone so creeped out by the baby? it is just something for fun, and pretty harmless. i mean its a doll…..


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