My Edward/Jacob Manllow – A secret affair

The Edward "Manllow"

Dear LTT-ers, Twihards and makers of Twilight Merchandise,

Of ALL the things on the internet that are Twilight related and have come out over the past couple years the one I’ve been sent to most BY FAR has to be the Manllow!! Yes, EVERYONE and their iguana sent me (and UC) the link to that pillow shaped like a man with Edward or Jacob’s face printed on it on it.

And I must apologize for not returning all those emails because, honestly… I already have my own Manllow* and I’ve just been TOO busy this week with him/it to be bothered to write any of you back. Sorry Mom, sorry bill collectors, sorry BFF’s from high school looking to reconnect, sorry 8374349 Facebook notifications, sorry Grandma and sorry organ donor society emailing to tell me my new heart is available, I can’t write you back. I have a Manllow and I’m not afraid to sleep with it!

So why have I been too busy to answer my emails because of a Manllow, you say? What have I been doing with the Manllow?

Don't look now Jacob, Edward Manllow and I are having a private moment

  • Watching movies and the entire 2nd season of Six Feet Under with my Manllow is a no-brainer. He holds the remote AND me while I cry over David and Keith’s lost love and the craziness that is Brenda (seriously can she die yet?)
  • He’s also a great day bed and hang out spot for my 10 cats! They love purring in his arms when I’m away for the day. Manllow is NEVER lonely for company
  • When I want a night in I cook a special dinner of Lean Cuisines for the both of us and pop the top on some Boone’s Farm Blue Hawaii, light a few candles and have a special romantic night for two

Oh and FYI the Manllow isn’t just for your bedroom, you can take the Manllow into public with you… here’s what I’ve done with my Manllow outside of the bedroom this week

Ain't no thang just a Manllow threesome

  • I live in LA so traffic is horrendous! Our lovely Dept of Transportation provides HOV lanes for vehicles with more than one person riding in them and they go way faster than regular lanes. SO to save time on my way to see New Moon for the 8 gajillionth time I stuck my Manllow in the passenger seat and zoomed off down the freeway in search of popcorn and Face Punches!
  • My Manllow and I snuggled at the movie theater with the armrest UP! Making out WITH Edward/Jacob WHILE watching New Moon in the theater? You should try it sometime, I HIGHLY suggest it
  • Went for a picnic with my Manllow. Griffith Park will never be the same now that I’ve reenacted the Meadow Scene with the Edward Manllow. He sparkled and we talked about forever. It was magical. Sorry UC.
  • I take my Manllow shopping with me. I stick him in the front basket of the grocery buggy and he points out everything he wants. Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Check! Cuties? Check! Cookies & Cream Dreyers Yogurt? Check! Cat Food? Check! Ladies Dove Deodorant? Check! I mean…
  • For dinner I took my Edward/Jacob Manllow to Fridays so I could get the 2 for Tuesdays. Two appetizers, two dinner entress and two desserts all for 22.22! What a steal that I couldn’t have gotten without my Manllow. We even saw Cathy Hardwicke in the bar and she sent over a mucho Cougarita “for Rob, call me.” How nice was that?!

Love me, love my Manllow

So can you blame me, people? The Manllow and I are in love and just like Lars and Bianca in Lars & the Real Girl- we’re taking our love public and we’re here to stay regardless of public perception that I am a crazy lunatic. My Manllow loves me just the way I am.

My Manllow kinda makes me think of the Kid Sister/My Buddy that I had as a kid… only WAY more adult. Ifyouknowwhatimsaying. So all week I’ve been signing the theme song… sing it with me friends:

My Manllow, my Manllow… my Manllow aaaannddd mmeeee!


Who has a Manllow on back order? Do you think I’m legit and actually really have a Manllow? What would YOU do with your Manllow?

I’d tell you to get your OWN Manllow but they’re SOLD OUT!

*HALE NO I do NOT own an Edward/Jacob Manllow and I’m allergic to cats!*

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

98 Responses

  1. Assuming the Manllow is pretty malleable, you should have Edwards head screen printed on one side and Jacob’s on the other side – then you can just flip and readjust when your feeling that way inclined.

    Perfect for the undecided fan.

    Wait… what? What do you mean that’s NOT normal? Don’t we all have one of these?

  2. Ick. i saw them a couple of days ago… creepy-creeperson!

    But is anybody else thrilled about Summit’s announcement Tweet that the Eclipse trailer will be shown before Remember Me!!! I wanted to see Remember Me before, but NOW i’m TOTALLY going!

    • I’m staying pure for Eclipse, I’m going to shake off my New Moon sluttiness and have a rebirth as a Twi-Prude. Is anyone else? I might need to lean on you for support, it’s going to be HARD. (That’s what she said!)

      • Remember Me isn’t out until April in the UK so I’m guessing by that time the Eclipse trailer will have been thrust upon us many a time*.

        Maybe we should invest in some Twi-promise rings so that we will be reminded every time we reach to plump our Manllows, or pull our Edward shower curtain

      • My Manllow and I were discussing this very thing last night. We snuggled together, and I whispered in his ear: “are you excited about the Eclipse trailer coming out with Remember Me?” and (I think) he mumbled something like “darling, won’t that spoil the wonder for you” –he always seems to know exactly what I’m thinking, and then there was no more talking as we turned out the light . . . .

    • wasnt really thinking of going to see Remember Me, but now I just might! or maybe I will wait for it to be leaked on the internet after the movie comes out!

    • I’m really excited about RM, but I don’t want to see the Eclipse trailer! I completely ruined it for myself with all the NM stuff that came out. So much so that I was able to recite certain scenes while watching NM at the theater for the first time. That shouldn’t happen! I want to be surprised for Eclipse 🙂

    • Aww, I was hoping for the horror of Taylor & Kristen previewing it at the Oscar’s in front of all the REALLY IMPORTANT ACTORS(puh-leeeze) who make REALLY SENSIBLE MOVIES (double puh-leeze).

      I guess I can still look forward to the suspense of waiting to see what Stewie drops, maybe the Oscar on Anna’s toes. All fingers and toes crossed. Also can’t wait to see her outfit.

      And maybe Kellan will show up!

      • “I can still look forward to the suspense of waiting to see what Stewie drops, maybe the Oscar on Anna’s toes.”

        You and me both.
        I would die.
        I also wouldn’t put it past her.

        • The Kristen Internet Stalkers Army downthumbed us! I am so honoured. I wasn’t even trying. That’s just made my day.

  3. My buddy, my buddy. Wherever I go, he goes!!

    • kid sister, kid sister!

      • I have a twin brother. He had a My Buddy and I had a Kid Sister growing up. We brought them everywhere. A few years ago, I had to go up into the attic to get something, and was digging around in a dark corner when two filthy, enormous dolls with matted hair and blank gazes “leapt” out at me. I screamed. A little too “Child’s Play” for me. Those fuckers are terrifying when you’re not expecting them.

  4. Really, that is the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen… worse than the wall sticker of Edward’s silhouette, and worse than the shower curtain with sulky Edward’s face printed on it. And, as I’ve pointed out before, it reminds me of the aliens on Kamino in Star Wars Epi II: Attack of the Clones.

  5. I have seven Rob Mannllows. I don’t have the Edward version. I have the ROB version. Who in their right mind would have a Mannllow of a fictional character? Not normal.

    Anyway, before I leave my house every morning, I pick the Robllow of the day and put him in his special day-of-the-week panties (today is Friday with little cherries, SQUEE!).

    After Robllow and I are ready, I take Robllow and put him in the trunk with that guy that hangs out in there. He has hair that vaguely reminds me of Rob’s so I suggested (with my rocket launcher) that the trunk of my car would be an excellent place for him to live. I feed him nothing but chocolate donuts and yahoo.

    He LOVES it! Seriously. The only part he doesn’t like is when I rip the tape off of his mouth…. and make him lick my boot. He throws such a hissy fit about that. Oh well, I’m a hard woman to please.

    Now excuse me. I have got to go give him the lotion. His skin is looking kinda dry.

    (I’m totally kidding.)

    (Do not call the FBI.)

    • So are trunk guy and Robllow friends, or does trunk guy feel like he has to compete with Robllow for your attention?

      • They are best friends!

        At the end of the day, I sometimes find trunk guy squeezing Robllow and sobbing. It’s so sweet.

        • Awww, trunk buddies! You just have to keep him in there long enough to get Stockholm syndrome and then you can let him out to keep house for you and do your laundry. That’s what I did with mine, anyway.

          • That is an excellent idea but I think my lover (who does the dishes AND laundry) would get jealous.

            Or… maybe not. Maybe he would rather someone else do the laundry? Maybe he would like someone else to help keep me entertained?

            It’s such a rough job. Poor babies.

    • I am now officially crippled by the lotion remark…

      Does he come with a repair kit for when you dry hump him threadbare….or as your Robllow would no doubt prefer it, as you indulge in excess frottage…?You must have a specially reinforced lady garden given the amount you do. Callouses anyone?

      • The lotion was for you, of course.

        As much as I love some good frottage, the actual act is much better. That’s where having the real deal comes into play, ya know?

        The Robllow is just practice time. 😉

  6. Wow… One thing you forgot to mention is how when you’re with Edllow you put a pack of frozen peas under the shirt to simulate his icy vampire touch and when you’re with Jakellow you heat up a hot water bottle and put it under his shirt to help you feel that 109 degrees of wolf-boy body heat. Don’t ask me how I know that.

  7. I’m racking my brain trying to think of something clever to do with a Manllow… but I can’t, I’m just too squicked out. I’m going to go hide in my hot pocket fort where it’s safe. Inflatable Edward is waiting for me.

    (They don’t actually make inflatable Edwards do they? *shudder*)

  8. Manlow wow. What happens when the air goes out of him? This would be bad in the car or at movie. Strange sounds indeed. Stranger days are these. Do you carry a pump to pump him up

  9. I am saddened and disturbed that these things are sold out. I feel like I’m going to be bombarded with them while walking through the parking lot to drop the oldest off at preschool.

    “Mommy, I don’t like him! I want daddy!”

    “honey, please! Your father is at work so much (ie 8 hours a day). This is mommy’s special friend, R-Edward. He wants to be your friend, too. Look! He wants to see your classroom and meet your friends.”

    Please oh please oh please don’t let one show up as a substitue.

    I’m bringing mase in case of any hardcore parking lot fights between Jakellow and Edwarllo.

  10. I’m gonna stick with my original thoughts about this particular item: creepy.

    This, however, gave me a visual that made me laugh out loud:
    “I stuck my Manllow in the passenger seat and zoomed off down the freeway in search of popcorn and Face Punches!”

  11. Wait a sec… Edllow doesn’t have legs? I want my money back.

  12. Went for a picnic with my Manllow. Griffith Park will never be the same now that I’ve reenacted the Meadow Scene with the Edward Manllow. He sparkled and we talked about forever. It was magical. Sorry UC.



  14. First things first. Why are the necks so long on these manllows? I didn’t realize that Edward and Jacob were giraffes. Also, it’s only a torso? Even more disturbing. I guess whoever created these was cutting costs by saving on material. Plus I bet that chick in the picture was bummed when she opened up her Edllow and discovered there was no sparkle peen to keep her company.

    • They are really dog toys, like those rubber chickens in bikini’s witht he really long necks.

      Dogs violate the Robllow/Jakellow, show them whose the alpha of the pack, then shake the uber neck until the feathers fly.

    • I’ve been lurking for days…. the Manllow brought me out. These are creepy looking. Why are the heads so big? And the arms are really long. They are just bizarre to look at.

      I would bring my Manllow to work and when someone asks what I’m giggling at while reading LTT, I will say that Manllow just told me some fabulous joke.

      For those wondering why they are sold out, let’s hope it’s because they only made 10.

  15. $20 says some crazy out there has found a way to attach The Vamp to their Edward Manllow…

    Uh… I’ve just creeped myself out with that thought.

  16. Where are the pecs? The sparkle? The Cullen crest wrist cuff? AMATEURS!

  17. Earlier in the week, my husband thought it would be hilarious to copy and paste info about the Manllow and put it as my status on Facebook. I’ve just now started to talk to him again.

  18. seeing as how I was a) one of the people who sent it to you b) decided it was actually made by you since they are from LA and c) think you’re brilliant… I’m thrilled you admitted your love for you manllow! I love the idea of having jacob on one side edward on the other… totally perfect for the undecided fan …
    BUT the next version needs to have a body, er well … i mean if i’m getting one of these I need a place for the sparklepeen to be right? so i need more then just part of his torso…

    Also are their hidden pockets for the jacob to heat up to 108*? and isn’t edward hard like granite? so shouldn’t it be stuffed with rocks instead of fiberfill? he’d need a secret ice pack compartment for the full effect…

    • You can get those ‘Real Dolls’ that you can make to your very own specifications, I’m not sure if they do male ones but perhaps you could ask them to make a custom one to look exactly like Edward? Then you could dress it in tweed and store it in one of those walk in freezers?

      I guess it’d have a boner all the time though, if you were using it for the same reason the creepy guys bought the girls dolls for…

      I’m not putting too much thought into this. Honest.

  19. EVEN MR LPB said, last night, Oh Honey, have you seen the Twilight Pillow thingies? (direct quote) Do you want one for your birthday????

    Um, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Good Lord, worlds are colliding!

  20. Okay I may be known for my long comments, but in all honesty I’m rendered speechless by these things.

    All I can say is that if you own one, this is when you know your Twilight/Edward/Jacob has gone too far.

    This is also one of the reasons why people can’t stand Twilight fans.

    On the other hand, I have thought of one useful purpose for them: I can’t figure out which of my cousins should be ushers for my wedding this summer. I can cut the drama and just order an Edward and Jacob manllow, one for each door, dress them in tuxes and have them be my ushers. The rest of my wedding is Twilight themed so it works perfectly.*

    *It is not. Although I recently realized I had almost accidentally scheduled my wedding for the 13th of August, until I had decided against the whole Friday the 13th thing, not even realizing that there was a much bigger reason why I should NOT have a wedding on the 13th of August! If I had, then I would have had no choice but to have a Twilight themed wedding. Good thing it’s on the 6th.

  21. Still not as good as the sparkle peen available at your local sex shop. For about $30. Don’t ask me how I know that.

  22. I feel so badly for the girl/ model in the picture. Someone called her up and said “hey come model some items for me”. Being a good friend, or maybe just needing to make a car payment, she agreed. Now she is infamously know as the Manllow girl. It will ruin her game, like when Joey was the Herpes model on Friends.

  23. I love it when Moon brings out her crazy!

  24. well I won’t getting one unless he can pin me up against a mossy rock…and well, without legs, thats probably going to be pretty hard to do. I am disappointed at the lack of detail in this manllow. Legs are critical…what the hell would I “hitch” over?

    and NO, I haven’t put ANY thought into this what so ever…hmm..yeah.

  25. After this whole post, I somehow feel so much more normal sleeping with my Blanket Eddie…that pillow thing just plain creeps me out…and its butt ugly btw! If I were Robward I would sue the company!

    • You have a point, if it were cute maybe we’d all reconsider having one…

      The fact that it’s an eyesore, makes it even sadder than it already is!

  26. Hello there! Frequent lurker, first time commenter. I just wanted to say how much I love this website! RL has really been kicking me down lately and UC and Moon are the ones I look forward to everyday!! It always brings a smile to my face and I appreciate you guys more than you will ever know!!!!!

  27. …waiting for the Edward and Jacob Snuggies.

  28. Um, I’m a little frightened by that thing.
    Manillow in my bed=me waking up screaming a la New Moon Bella.

  29. I’ve been gone too long. Has the Twilight world really devolved to this? Legless, giraffe-necked surrogates?

  30. Quite possibly THE gayest thing EVER! Also….do you laugh your own ass of when you’re writing this stuff…. What? I would.

  31. They are sold out because I bought the whole damn lot! I really wanted to put some LTR/LTT shirts on my army of manllows but you guys have not come out with them yet!

    *kidding about owning the manllows, but I really would like to own a LTT t-shirt or LTR, whichever. I do own some Barry Manilow though, my hubs parents used to put some Manilow on to get him to sleep when he was a little guy.

  32. 3hboys- I design t-shirts for a living. I’d be happy to do an LTT one for you that you could buy from cafe press.
    email me if you are interested (just let me know what sort of design/ wording your are thinking of):

    totally free, just the cost f the tee from cafepress.

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