Protecting the Twilight public from the NMM game

Hours of fun... sorta

With Valentine’s Day coming up and our loved ones sure to send us some Twi-related crap we didn’t ask for, here is a public service announcement regarding the New Moon Movie game:

Dear UC & Moon,

I am because I have a major public service announcement to put out to the world of the Twilight fan. You see, I recently acquired a copy of the New Moon board game. (Well, if you consider stealing it from a 12 year old girl at a white elephant party “acquiring” then that’s how I received it.) But that is totally beside the point. Anyway, I thought that I would put said game to good use. So I rounded up a few of my friends, (3 of us were in our thirties, and the 4 other guests were from our arsenal of babysitters so they just so happened to be real life teenagers.) Yes, quite the motley crew of New Moon game players. I had my Edward posters proudly displayed, the New Moon soundtrack playing in the background, the board game set up with all the pretty cards and Cullen crest game pieces. We were set to play. And then the reality of the game hit us in the face. This game is hard!! (That’s what she said) It is confusing and well- just dang confusing. So, I guess my letter is turning into a letter to the people who make the New Moon board game. What the what?!? I don’t think they even tried to play their own game before the head honcho put the stamp of approval on that bad boy. It is a hot mess!

So, I am giving the “New Rules” to the board game. I know many of your readers have asked for this game from their loved ones as a Valentine’s gift. They are going to be so excited to play it and then they are going to run into the same problem that my friends and babysitters J did when they sit down to play. So, out of love for my fellow fans, here goes.

Goal: To win this beauiful Cullen Crest... or something

New rule #1
– do not use the “Story cards”. I have no idea what they are for. Honestly. So, if you should draw that card, just put it aside and throw them away later. Or, you can keep them just to look at the pretty little pictures.

New rule #2 – Only read the red dagger trivia questions. You heard me. As you are cruising around the pretty game board with your little Cullen crest game piece, just ignore the white dagger “challenges”. They are so lame and have nothing to do with New Moon. It slows the game way down and it’s just plain stupid to be honest. You know you are just playing this game to show off your knowledge of New Moon. So make it fun by just asking the red dagger trivia questions. You will thank me for this.

New rule #3 – The point of this game is to acquire 8 scene cards from the movie. Okay. The game makers have thrown in an extra challenge, get the Bella and Edward cards. Alright. However, I could not find in the directions how to get these cards. So here is our improvised rule: The teenagers in the group said we should make up a song about the movie in order to earn your card. Since, I don’t sing, I put the nix on that pretty fast. I suggested that you have to write a “Haiku” in order to earn your card. This is where the game got hilariously fun! Remember Haikus? 3-5-3 or 5-7-5. We are dealing with syllables here people. Anyway. Get creative. We laughed our heads off. Here are some examples of what was written. These cards were earned!!

Edward’s my boyfriend
Messy hair, crooked smile
Total perfection

Paul oh Paul
Hot little werewolf
Where’s your shirt?

Mike Newton
Take a hint, loser.
You are fail.

Oh, Felix
Breaking Edward’s face
I’m crying.

You get the point! It was good times. I have no idea why the makers of this game didn’t think of the Haiku part all by themselves!

So girls, let’s get the word out to the excited fans on Valentine’s Day. Let them know that just because they received the most confusing game in the world the fun doesn’t have to stop. Just use these revised rules and the New Moon joy can continue to flow.

Protecting & Serving the Twilight public,

I thought it was ironic that Koni mention Haikus the day after I wrote Moon a brilliant one for Valentine’s Day. How about today we share Haiku’s in the comments!? Oh, and have you played the NMM game? Does it suck like she says?

Make sure to check back tomorrow to see who are Valentine’s Day Contest winners are! Thanks to ALL who participated!!!

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

93 Responses

  1. Awesome letter Koni!! I never considered buying this game and now I dont at all. Or if I buy it I’ll follow your rules…

  2. How could I top the Mike Newton haiku?

    Yeah, I can’t! Brilliant.

    • Iknowright! That haiki is too goo. 😉

    • Mike Newton haiku
      Made me pee
      In my pants, li’l bit

      • PS – I actually scared the cat I laughed so hard

        • Poor pussy
          has crazy owner
          Give Meow Mix

          Cat demands
          new toys and cat weed
          to make up.

  3. […] LettersToTwilight […]

    • Cold showers
      I do not get it
      Why the spam?

      • Climbing on shoulders
        Is easier way to top
        Don’t look down spammer

    • Know you have a blog
      You whore it on here everyday
      You attention whore

      • Er, did my comment on that manip cause problems? Sorry guys.

        • The problem
          was never you, I swear
          Worry not

        • You are awesomesauce
          Your manip comment was good
          My problem was HER

          Ok this haiku shit aside*…

          She credited the manip to me AFTER she read your comment because she didnt want people to think SHE was a weirdo perve. I didn’t make it AND I AM a weirdo perv (can I get a witness?), but I didnt appreciate being used as a human shield.

          As far as the manip goes, I thought it was AWESOME because I saw it as Jacob and not Taylor (Taylor doesn’t have sex, silly! 😀 ), and Jacob sex is hawtsauce. I also agree with what you said, but alas I’m still a weirdo perv. 😉

          * Note: I am kidding
          This haiku shit is awesome.
          Do this every day

          • Witness here
            Chimmy is a perve
            Never doubt

          • Make that two amen!
            Weirdo perve-spiration
            She is to me

            p.s. how dare you
            imply that homeboy’s untapped
            Just the tip counts k?

            (so does ulal) 😉

          • Dont lie to yourself
            Taylor is totes a virgin
            He knows not the vag


          • If only he knew
            That we debate his sexploits
            In epic Haiku

          • So not true
            Tay’s belt notches has
            like swiss cheese

  4. Jacob’s hot,
    He is a werewolf,
    They’re NOT bears.

    Kind of a pathetic attempt, but at least I tried!

    • love it!

  5. Awesome rules Koni
    Lets make it strip New Moon Game
    Where them Twi-guys at?
    (Sorry! I’m in a weird mood!)

    Nude models romping,
    head ‘tween legs, hand on ass
    Trying to kill us?

    Skinny ties
    Will legal porn make
    Ha! Hansen

    Wrist-holding does not
    a Robsten make.Sorry poor
    Palatial plaid pad

    Colour my
    love tangerine you
    hot DILF you…

    Swiftner you
    broke my little heart.
    Need cookie

    Good Morning!
    To her books must the
    Hamster go…

    p.s. pirates…
    Is the death of wet nurse
    Ninja Mafia

    • Colour my
      love tangerine you
      hot DILF you…

      AWESOME! *sign* I love the DILF.

      • *SIGH* Meh, my brain does not work on the weekends.

        • Don’t feel bad mine doesn’t work during the week either 🙂

    • These poems are brilliant
      You are a clever hamster
      Good luck with the books! 😉

    • Kill the nurse
      Is what must happen
      Alert press

    • Study hard
      Skinny tie bookmark
      Come back soon

  6. Maybe everyone can hang out with the werewolves of London. Wolverhampton is the place they all hang out. How about the New Moon of Paris.

    • Wait, wait… is that a Warren Zevon reference? He’s the hairy, hairy gent, who ran amok in Kent… You unintentionally made my morning, bobbygee!

    • Bobbygee
      is so Robert P.
      in disguise

      • BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! Massive LULZ on that one!

  7. I have played the game and I conquer with Koni. A similar situation happened with me, a dear friend bought the game and held a mini party to play. Not only were the instructions confusing (have you seen that episode of friends were Joey is the host of a gameshow and the rules make no sense and are ridiculous…think that only worse), but there were typos and some of the answers were even wrong! We ended up ignoring the rules as your party did and some how finishing the game. I won, still not sure how. So stay away, I recomend Twilight Scene It – super fun.

  8. buttcrack santa
    he is so awesome
    small bottles

    (little and tiny were too long)

    • oh im a big looser & cant count, butt-crack sant-a is 4! oh well, I still like it

      • I liked it too Rach 😀

  9. I “acquired” the Twilight game last year and it is exactly like you described the New Moon one. I never even tried to play it. I thought it would be like Trivial Pursuit, but no such luck. But I love that you said in this letter that you could just keep the cards and look at the “pretty little pictures.” I decided after taking my Twilight game out of the box that at least I could look at the pretty pictures on the board and cards!

    • Scene-It is
      the game where questions
      are answered.

      It’s almost
      Trivial Pursuit
      but Twilight.

      I must warn
      It is very hard,
      She said that.

      • Fang’s talent
        for haiku abounds
        I say that

      • comment below to Ang..that is also where you find my Scene it? LOL

      • I must warn
        It is very hard,
        She said that.

        Best Twi-ku evah!!

    • Morning Ang….but blasphemy!…YOU OPENED IT…Mine is on a full view, behind a glass (locked) door with a soft blue colored light shining down on it!….for shame Ang..reverence after all (yup up all night and not nearly enough coffee.. major chocolate explosion in my kitchen at 3 a.m)…… xo

      • @MidCyn – Well, AFTER I opened it, I placed it on my Twi-shelf. Not behind glass though. Good idea on the light. Note to self: check out lighting options at Lowes the afternoon. 🙂

        Chocolate explosion? Sounds interesting.

        • Yes was sick all day and had to make a cake for Valentines Day so was in the kitchen all night and had a chocolate ganache explosion when the bag burst…not good in a white kitchen!

          • Oh my! Hope some of the clean up of ganache was enjoyed (like ended up between the lips!). twss. Sorry, that was bad…even for me. 🙂

  10. Thanks for the warning! I received the game for Christmas but haven’t played it yet. For some reason the hubs isn’t down for that….

    • Make the hubs
      Play game with you, or
      revoke the tv

      • hahahaha, brill, fanggy

      • Broke the rules
        of haiku, I did
        Please forgive?

      • Haha!!!

  11. Vanity Fair Style
    The new Details Article
    Break It Down You Must

    • Oh yeah. I need that sucker explained to me.

      • Yeah, I just read that too. It’s…um…would “interesting” be a good word?

        • HUH? Whadda I miss?

          • Rob’s sexy shoot for Details magazine got released on the internet last night. Apparently the accompanying article is an acquired taste as people seem pretty divided on it. I emailed you the link last night, but those were probably just scans. Take a gander at this:

    • allergic
      to lady-garden
      R-Pattz is?

  12. I had dream
    Edward tried to kill
    Bella dead

    I was Bells
    Who was his food choice
    Not the sex

    Eff my life
    Why can’t I have him?
    This world sucks


    To the vagina?
    This breaks deal

    This tale breaks my heart
    You need hug

    A shepherd
    Is what you must need
    Sends dog now

    • Fangbanger is brills
      breaking it down Twi-ku style
      you are my life now

      • LTT
        Comment boards are best
        Like a drug

  13. I got this game for Christmas and I agree that it was soo confusing!! The story cards were so lame and so were some of those challenge cards. Stupid.

  14. I got this game for Christmas, too. I opened it up and decided it looked confuding so I still have not played it. It’s sitting under my desk collecting dust.

  15. Missed you all
    Busy work weeks suck
    All caught up

    • missed u 2!

    • I didn’t miss you. I’M JOKING, of course!

  16. New Moon Game no good?
    Somehow I am not surprised
    They want our money.

    What? It’s confusing?
    It’s just way too hard and long?
    Um, that’s what she said.

    • I think you are great.
      When I see the hat I know
      Pattinson agrees.

    • lol……i love this and your name.

  17. Real life sucks
    wireless internet
    saves beaker

    these haiku
    sound like from Yoda’s
    wise heart comes

    not lesbian
    but love women from

    fondle large black pants:
    boxer briefs in M&S
    I did in homage

  18. Fangy is
    so very bored and
    annoys all with spew.

    SPEW makes me
    want to knit a hat
    for Dobby.

    Dobby caught
    the sock in luck and
    slave no more.

    • Shit. Pizz will
      kill me for being
      a spoil whore.

      Sorry Pizz
      I will shut my trap
      Go away.

      • Pizz ignores
        accidental spoils
        Fang will live

        • Fangy lives!
          The big crowd will cheer
          No death now.

    • I ❤ Dobby bigtime.

  19. Mike Newton
    Take a hint, loser.
    You are fail.

    Gawdamn that’s funny. Haiku’s pwn.

  20. Hubs said Sheen not hot
    Said he’s no Rob Pattinson
    Ready for divorce

    Tay tot is legal
    Throwing my panties at him
    He wasn’t impressed

  21. Nude models
    RPattz does not care
    Robsten lives

    • Rob hates vag
      Stewy never smiles

      I believe
      the answer is yes.
      Sad K Stew.

      Thanks to Xy,
      my dear SIK,
      for theory.

      • Haters be hatin.’
        Rob only hates “va-jay-jay”.
        Calls Stewie’s “pocket.”

        • The pocket
          is hot, we all know
          where he eats.

          • I am back
            the whole world groans
            in protest

            Glad that Fang
            missed death at virgin
            HP hands

            The sad-ass
            Rambo Panda would
            miss you both

          • Jail is no place for
            a hawty like the pizzle
            Don’t pickup the soap!

            My twinsie
            needs to realize, she
            is da bomb.

          • Incarcerated,
            after kill, I will be the
            Nikki to her Stew

            Better yet
            You be the Nikki
            I will tape

            When did I become
            such a perve of the twi-porn
            Dickmatised I am!

      • Bwahahahaha! Sounds way better coming from you. I might have you rewrite all my thoughts from now on… Your prose is… Vagwardlicious.

  22. Ungh new finger porn
    In a thong my arse looks awful
    Well, a girl can dream
    Allergic to vag?
    I have lots of Benadryl
    Front door is unlocked
    (last one, I swear!)

    Harpo you are not
    But Jacksper they must hate you
    Sorry ’bout that wig

    • Allergic to vag?
      I have lots of Benadryl
      Front door is unlocked


      • Here in my abode
        I do have an Epi-Pen
        For bad reactions

        I’m just sayin’….

  23. I tried to play the New Moon game before the movie came out. FAIL! I won somehow but it didn’t make a ton of sense. So then we just read the cards Trivial Pursuit style. Much better!

  24. Finger on ass
    Head between legs
    Ovaries exploded

    Not any good is it?

  25. Twi-ku is
    battling with jorts
    for most loved

    Seriously, this entire effing post & comments has granted my day much needed hilarity.

    Fang, IWL & StP please never stop haikuing….XXXXX

    • The haiku
      is fun although my
      digits ache

    • Full of win Beaker
      I wish for you fursplosion
      Nay a jort-less view!

      Haiku brings out
      latent perve in sad panda
      I should stop, spare eyes

  26. Sending v-day love
    Out to the LTT gals
    You make me happy

    Drunk on Rob kool-aid
    Perfection captured in pics
    His sex is on fire

    I’ll be your Twi-MILF
    If you’ll be my valentine
    The hubs will be pissed

  27. beakerj
    says farewell, is now

  28. a haiku is hard
    that’s what she said, ha ha ha.
    I am so lame, meh

    i love haiku they always seem to be funny even when you aren’t even trying.

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