What if there was a Twilight theme park?

This rollercoaster doens't go fast. You THINK it's going to. You get ALL the way up to the top of the hill then... well, I'm not sure. It fades to black...

Dear Twilight,

I’m just going to come out and say it, I’m a Harry Potter fan. Hardcore. And I am SUPER excited to finally be able to go to Hogwarts when the Wizarding World of Harry Potter opens up in Florida this summer. I will drink Butterbeer and be merry all the day long. [UC note: ME TOO!!!!]

I know what you’re thinking…What the heck does all this Potter talk have to do with Twilight? Well, I’m getting there…

You see, I have a crazy Twilight fan as a friend. One who is out and proud. One who sports the Twilight t-shirts without thinking twice. While I’m not quite there, I do owe her. Cause she did introduce me to the Edward Cullen greatness. (Well…after I saw Cedric was playing Edward that is…) Now, this friend isn’t a Harry Potter fan. How we are still friends, I will never know. I think it is the Twi-talk that holds us together.

Anyways, sometimes I forget she doesn’t like Harry Potter (or maybe I just ignore it..) and I start to talk about things. Like the fact that I am super excited about this theme park. And it never fails, she always changes the topic of convo to Twilight. Always. So as I talk of fantastic HP rides and Hogwarts, she brings up the idea of a Twilight theme park. And that got me thinking…Would there ever be a Twilight theme park? Do I even want one? What the (Jasper) Hale will be in a Twilight theme park?

So let’s answer those questions, shall we? Good. We’ll start with that last one.

What would be in a Twilight theme park?
These are the ideas I have came up with:

  • They recreate Forks High School and there is a large restaurant in the cafeteria of the school. It has a menu that serves up the best that high school lunches have to offer and servers dressed like lunch ladies. Think Chris Farley during the Lunch Lady skit from SNL.
  • A souvenir shop filled with the best Twilight crap ever. Where else are you going to get your Buttcrack Santa bobblehead and pair of official wolfpack jorts? Nowhere else, that’s where.
  • As for rides, here’s what I’ve got: The Volvo Ride of Doom. Here’s the concept: while riding in a cart that resembles a Volvo, you speed along dark highways at high speeds dodging other cars and people that walk across the street.

    “Holy crow! Is that Charlie’s police cruiser we’re coming up on?!” **cars swerves out of the way**

    “Oh no look out for those bears running in the distance!” **car relunctantly dodges the pack of animals that you realize upon closer inspection are “NOT bears”**

I mean, these are just some of the ideas I’ve thought up so far. (actually…that’s pretty much all I’ve got..) So let’s move on to the next question.

Don't forget to get your nails done before visitng the Twilight theme park!

Will there be a Twilight theme park in our future?
Here’s my simple answer: I don’t know. People would definitely flock there. People would probably make a lot of money from it. But is there really enough content in the stories to make an awesomesauce theme park? This is what stumps me. I’m sure other people can come up with more things than I came up with. Although, I bet you the Buttcrack Santa bobblehead would be a best seller. I think I should patent that idea right now.

So there you go. If people actually think up and create a Twilight theme park, a Twi-park if you will, will I go? Probably. We all probably will. Or at least think about it.

No student can escape the magic of Lunch Lady Land,
cedvanhalen

One word: Magic Carpet Ride (except it’ll be on a huge version of Jasper’s Wig). Okay another word (this is fun): Chris Hansen look-a-likes walking around the park, posing for pictures with you for a mere $25.00 while you hold a sign that says “I like ’em young.” What are your thoughts!?

See these hearts? This is to remind you to ENTER OUR VALENTINE’S DAY CONTEST & GIVEAWAY!

See this awesomesauce ad for a Twilight Valentine’s Gift Bundle? Know a gal/daughter/cousin/friend/fake lesbian who you still need a vtines gift for? Want us to drop a hint to your hubby/boyfriend/boy you’re fantasizing is Rob/Taylor/Kellan/Yorkie when you close your eyes? We will. Send us his (or her!) email address & we’ll non-nonchalantly mention you just might like a Twilight Valentine’s Gift Bundle. We’re not kidding. Your husband/boyfriend/Rob-replacement will be happy to find a gift and we would LOVE to let him know what you do in your spare time. KIDDING. We won’t tell! Email us if you want us to help you drop the hint!

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

101 Responses

  1. I have to admit the nails kinda kreep me out. It is kinda strange…. But hey everyone can do what they want right?

    • Um, Right! Those nails were so wierd! I had to quickly read through that post so I could get rid of that picture 😦

  2. Van Halen would be great. A new moon ride where everyone gets mooned. Harry Potter meets the new moon on a twilight night. They can all sing Santa Claus is coming to town. http://bobbygee.wordpress.com/

  3. Great idea about the Vday ‘hint,’ although I can imagine an LTT ‘hint’ is about a subtle as KStew on the bed with her legs akimbo?! Or maybe that’s just my kind of hinting. “Hey, don’t go…”

    A Twi-Park, that could be fun! They should definitely have a ‘Ride Along With Charlie’ ride, where you sit in a police car simulator and drive around for a bit and investigate animal attacks before you meet Harry Clearwater for some fishing.

    At Christmas they can have the Buttcrack Santa’s Grotto (you know you want to go for the little bottles) and they can have an Alice and Rosalie make over stand where they cake you in white make up. Maybe they could have 2 different sections of the park for the wolves (NOT bears) and the vamps, and when you go in you it FORKS in two and you have to choose which way to go?

    Well… I guess I wont be getting any work done this afternoon, unless drawing a map of Twi-World counts as working!!

    Yeah, it doesn’t.

  4. How about a “Hold On Tight Spider Monkey” ride where you get to wrap your legs around a life size Edward figure and climb the nearest tree? Only problem they may have to have some jort wearing ab-fab underage ride operators to help dislodge “dry humping” riders!

  5. Those nails are way too creepy. I’m all about freedom of expression, but really. C’mon now.

    I don’t know if I could ever bring myself to actually visit a Twi theme park, but the idea itself is great.
    And wow. The souvenir shop possibilities are ENDLESS.

  6. An amusement park wouldn’t be complete without the fake tattoo booth. They can offer up such beauts as the wolfpack tatt or one that looks like Bella’s scar, or just phrases like “I ❤ Boys that Sparkle".

  7. Good Morning! I have to admit I didn’t read the post yet cause I saw Twilight park and immediately went to google where it was..not really…yah I did..no I didn’t..then I saw the Twilight flower package and had a fight with myself about how lame it was to want to send it to myself…I am so embarrassed…hitting such a low first thing in the morning…gong into hiding now… 😉

  8. So at Disney if you pay about $150 you can dress up like your favorite character (ie. boys can be Capt’n Jack & girls can be Cinderlla)…they could do the same with the characters.

    I would personally like to be the casting director for all the roles. I mean it takes a keen eye to spot the perfect abs.

  9. It sounds fantastical and all but I don’t think they would make an entire park of Twilight. It’s going to go out of fad so quickly that it will just end up vacant, pathetic, and sad.

    A few rides would be cool. Love the Volvo ride idea. Maybe Six Flags would pick them up?

    Or Silver Dollar City? Edward would fit right in at Silver Dollar City. You could watch him make fudge or jewelry from pennies. He could even wear the vest and khakis.

    Dear Silver Dollar City,

    Have your people call my people.

    Signed with $$ in her eyes,

    Fangy

    PS. I never get to go anywhere awesome but if I get the chance I WILL go to Harry Potter land. And cry from sheer joy. So beautiful and cool.

    • Fang it will never go out like a fad. This period will be known as the Edwardian Era and as long as WE are breathing Twilight and LTT will live forever…we could support the park ourselves between movie openings, annual get togethers, birthday parties etc., Picture it..30 yrs from now, us all showing up wearing our Team shirts, support hose under our jorts, New Moon undies, sparkly canes/walkers and of course drinking what will have been created after BD, an Esmee Island exotic drink complete with.prune juice shots! 😉

    • They were building it when I went a couple of years ago and I was sad it wasn’t finished – it’s hard to get over to Florida from England regularly!

    • While I love the concept, fangbanger is probably right. It would end up like the one year Hard Rock Park in South Carolina. I would totally go though, like the Twi-loser that I am.

  10. I’m not sure if a Twipark would survive even one decade. Let’s face it… eventually, the Twihype will die away *ducks*.

    BUT if they’re building it anyway, they can contract me to design the Isle Esme ride: the train goes through a giant oven followed by a giant freezer, then through a room where you’re covered in feathers, and then to a dark room where everything goes black. It shall also recycle pneumatic suspension designs from the early 1900’s, so that even though you don’t really get to experience anything truly enjoyable during the ride, you will come out bruised and battered.

  11. I’m dying picturing a “it’s a small world” with Yorkie, Tylor, Mr. Mollina, the natives and a vamp world. I might photoshop that later.

    Some other disney rides can be stealthy copied:
    Grizzly river run.

    Vampires of the Volturi:

    Yo-ho yo-ho a vampire life for me
    we pillage, we mindread, we suck up your blood
    Drink up the ‘earties, yo ho.
    we kidnap and ravage and don’t give a hoot
    Drink up the ‘earties, yo ho.

    I think you get the picture…

  12. […] ; ¬† LTT ; ¬† RAoR ; ¬† […]

  13. I like the idea of a *I just want to try one thing* ride. Where you get to re-enact the bedroom scene but get to go all the way with a 3D Edward, whilst wearing your 3D glasses 🙂 Just think, you would want to reach out and touch everything.

    I would pay money for that.

    x

  14. All I know is that I want to get my picture taken with the Carlisle look-a-like. I’ll ask him to pretend to bite me… then I’ll follow him around the park calling him my sire. Until my newborn blood thirst gets the better of me, of course, do you think the food stands will sell “vegetarian blood”?

    Sigh… I’m sleep-deprived. I apologize for my insanity.

  15. […] ; ¬†¬†LTT ; ¬†¬†RAoR ; […]

  16. Dear UC,
    I am having trouble finding Edward’s email to send to you!??! I know you would forward my desire to have him deliver (twss) the Twilight Valentines Gift Bundle… oh wait….that is flowers right? Never mind..I was thinking it was something else..!

  17. Would there be a Charlie Swan Mustache Ride??

  18. This is a great idea. Twilight theme park! I also think it would be hilarious if all the food concessions served was raw deer, bear, mountain lion, etc…

    haha, gross. Now I’m not hungry for breakfast.

  19. Don’t forget the cliff jumping “ride.” You jump off a cliff into a giant pool of freezing cold water, have to swim around the redheaded crazy vampires who want to eat you and will eventually get rescued by a jorts-wearing wolfpack member who almost-kisses you on the beach but not really. He doesn’t even perform mouth-to-mouth (twss); there’s just a fade to black and you’re toweled off by an intern. All this is accomplished as a stoner-style song plays in the background.

    • I am with you on this “ride” except I am wanting the Ghostward to appear and NOT disappear…grab my hand and…ummm…ok..already embarrassed myself enough with wanting to send myself the Twilight Valentine Gift..so I wil go no further..but trust.. it would be the ride of a lifetime!!! 😉

      • I agree- maybe before you start the “ride” you select your preference: be rescued by ghostward or Jortspack! It could also be one of those rides where at the end they try to sell you a picture of yourself at the scariest moment. So you can have a pic of yourself looking 1/2 dead underwater being rescued by the handsome man/wolf/vampire of your choice.

        Also I totally sympathize about the compulsion to order the Valentine’s Day package for yourself. I noticed the ad on LTT last night and immediately showed it to my fiance. You know, hoping, to remind him to get me *something* this weekend. Needless to say he was not into it. He said it was the type of thing women would order for themselves. Okay, #truth, if I had $100 to throw away I’d be ordering it for myself. As, you know, a joke, of course.

        • OH I SO ❤ YOU!!! We are truly kindred souls! You at least were braver than I…I know what the hubs would have said if I were to have shown him…he would still be laughing! And yeah if I had an extra 100 I think I would "suffer' the embarssment and order anyway..life is too short…right? I say if something like that can "make your day" why not right, cause that is normal?

          • Oh, he was laughing for a while. I was so embarassed @ myself for having shown him, that I was 2nd hand embarassed, too!

      • FAVORITE!

  20. I must say that I would visit a Twi-park in a heartbeat! I have 4 kids, so it would not be out of the question right. They love Twilight right? Right!

    When I took my 6 year old to California Adventure this summer, and we went on the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror he was very disappointed that there were not any vampires around. He doesn’t get that Twilight and The Twilight Zone are different things.

    So if they do a Twi-park Rob would have to show up at some point right?!! It should be in his contract!

  21. That’s a good idea for the concessions, raw game, but that could be tricky to store, so maybe a cafeteria that has Chicken Enchiladas, ’cause that’s what Bella would make, and Take-out Pizza, ’cause that’s what Charlie would make, Granola Bars, that’s what Bella is always grabbing on her way out the door, Tall-boys of Vitamin R, Little bottles of liquor-‘for the kids’ and of course, Mushroom Ravioli.

  22. i got super excited about this post today. it may be because i looked at the first picture and said “is that Kennywood?!?!” (which it is…Adventureland was, in fact, filmed 20 minutes from my house.) Now that I see that picture, I’m dying for this blizzard in Pittsburgh to be over so i can go ride some coasters. And pray that it was, in fact, twi-related.

  23. “This rollercoaster doens’t go fast. You THINK it’s going to. You get ALL the way up to the top of the hill then… well, I’m not sure. It fades to black…”

    I sat and laughed for a really long time at this! Hilarious! And I wanna ride on the Volvo ride! And I think it should be narrated by Robward so you can hear his voice as you dodge wolves. Kind of like how Michael J. Marty McFly does it for the Back to the Future ride at Universal Studios! Yep!

  24. The nails… ew. The one that’s supposed to be hands with the apple? Liiiiittle too close to looking like a vagina for my comfort.

    Anyway… I wouldn’t step foot in a Twi-themed amusement park. People might SEE me, and then they’d know I liked Twi more than I’ve ever admitted. I also have no desire to attend the show/workshop we all know they’ll have: “Be Like Bella: How To Stutter And Blink Your Way Into Your Vampire Loves Heart”

    • If you think about it, and you probably shouldn’t, being able to paint a vagina on a fingernail is quite a talent! I don’t think my fine motor skills include that talent….

  25. I think they already have a Twilight theme park. It’s called Forks, WA. Any true fan should do it at some point. Of course, I only live two hours away and still haven’t gone. . .

    • Actually, all fans have to do is visit Washington State. Because there certainly are vampires hidden everywhere…especially in places like Hanford where it NEVER RAINS.

  26. Oooh Oooh Oooh Someone take me to this place when I get there in June. If not I’ll be wandering about in a diner asking for Stephanie and telling the “boys” that we havent found BCS’s killer yet before ordering a garden burger and some cobbler…

    Motorcycle rides where falling off is necessary in order for the hot guy in charge to perform a strip tease (smoke machine is an extra 5 bucks) please note – there is no medical treatment…only a strip tease and ineffectual dabbing (2 Dollars). We are not responsible for subsequent injuries.

    Fortune Telling Alice – Not really. Its just Hansen in drag asking people to take a seat and have some iced tea as soon as they ask ” Will I do it with Taylor someday?” The answer is always no people. Hansen will never stop. Tay’s whats keeping him popular. He’s gonna hold on tight Spider Monkey.

    The National Debt Ride -See how many houses you can destroy with Emmett.

    3D Slappa Wolf – Try and make Paul fursplode. Aaaaaand I’ll leave you with that thought.

    Morning everybody!
    The Hamster has a paper to finish! Hi Ho furball..away!

  27. So, I have nothing to add on the creepy nails or the theme park.

    But, I have a bit of Twi-news – I was nominated for an Indie TwiFic Award. My story is in the Love Triangle category. It’s called Gates. It is AU/AH and about half-way done.

    If anyone here feels like killing some time and reading it, and maybe even voting for it (voting opens on Feb 20th), that would be awesome. Here’s the link to the story on Twillighted:
    http://www.twilighted.net/viewstory.php?sid=7344

    Thanks!

  28. For the kiddos-
    • Billy Black wheel chair races (wait is that unPC?)

    For the tweens-
    •Bella’s symposium on how to sneak mythical creatures in your bedroom without your dad waking up. Followed by dry humping tweed without discomfort.

  29. The Cougar Ride: consists of a tour through Hardwicke’s famous bedroom and a glimpse of the famous bed. Photo of you on the bed with holographic Edward extra, not included in ticket price. Portion of proceeds from ride go to St. Cathy’s Home for Washed Up Directors.

  30. FYI…Ang says “Hi”. for some reason.she cannot access LTT today from work 😦 WE MISS YOU ANG!!

  31. How about a ‘Dodge The Taxi’, just like Dodgem cars except you’re the only one without a car.

    • Or should it be “Dodge Tyler’s Van”. Maybe Edward will save you at the last minute, maybe not.

      • Oh yes, those that don’t get saved can get a complimentary visit to Dr Cullen’s medical emergency centre, where you may or may not contract Spanish Influenza.

        Kinda reminds me of a ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ book.

  32. Weeee! It’s Kennywood….er, I mean Adventureland…. er, I mean the Twilight theme park

  33. I think a Twilight theme park could be fun. I know the cultural obsession with vamps will have to end soon, but the true fan (of which there are very, very many) could certainly keep a park in business for a long time.

    As far as a suggestion for a ride goes….maybe a ride that showcases the Volturi? That could be spooky…or “Volterrifying.” Yeah, Imma dork. : )

  34. LOL: “Chris Hansen look-a-likes walking around the park, posing for pictures with you for a mere $25.00 while you hold a sign that says “I like ‘em young.” What are your thoughts!?”

    What about a sign that says “Age is just a number, baby”???? hahaha!

  35. Social comments and analytics for this post…

    This post was mentioned on Twitter by letter2twilight: RU snowed in like ME!? Need to drop a hint about your vtines present? We’ll help http://tinyurl.com/y9yngcr (i have NOTHING else to do!) ^UC…

  36. I am waiting for a Twilight theme land with the most entertainment.

  37. NO THANK YOU TWILIGHT IS S*** IT IS NOT GOOD LITERATURE! HARRY POTTER IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE BETTER THAN A GAY SPARKLING FAIRY! HARRY POTTER FOR EVER AND HE WILL GET RID OF THAT FOOT FACED ROBERT FATTINSON!

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