The Twilight cast comes together for an all star Twi-telethon

Dear LTT-ers,

Tonight’s the night for the big Celebrity telethon extravaganza which Robert Pattinson will be part of. And we’re so happy and excited for him to be part of such a public show of love and support for the people of Haiti. Of course we’ll be calling in a billion times to try and catch Rob or maybe Brad Pitt and we hope you will be too. Of course this got us to thinking about how a telethon hosted by some Twilight cast and crew who were not invited to participate in the office telethon would go down… So here we are ready to crack a couple jokes and hopefully make you smile big enough to crack open your Twilight wallets to donate to the cause.

*We’re quick to say this is all in good fun that we aren’t making light of a natural disaster that’s rocked so many people, but instead want to cause a few smiles because if we couldn’t laugh than we’d be forced to tears*

*On your local Public Access station*

Cougarita's for the cause!

Catherine Hardwicke – Heeeeeeey you crazy cats welcome to our telethon live from the TGIFridays in Venice Beach, California. I’m your host, director of the best Twilight movie everrrrrr, Catherine Hardwicke, but you can call my Cat that’s what all my ex boyfriends call me and since we’re all friends now, why not?

As you know Haiti endured a devastating 7.0 earthquake last Tuesday. I don’t know where you were last Tuesday but I was hanging out on THE BED Rob and Kristin auditioned on in my groovy bungalow in Venice Beach when my latest screw Luke *waves to Luke the bartender* told me the news. I was shocked! How could we not help the good people of Haiti? But what could I do? Being the female director with the highest box office gross ever and with all my connections to the Twilight cast I just knew George Clooney would call me up instantly and ask me to be on his Hope for Haiti Now telethon. I waited and waited… but NO CALL. Can you believe that? So I thought, screw him Cat, you can do your own telethon! So here we are on your local public access station at my TGIFridays to bring you Cathy’s Happy Hour for Haiti telethon!

I’ve called all my friends and celebrity pals to join us! Rob may be part of that other snooty telethon but I’ve got the REAL star power here at Happy Hour for Haiti! Cameras, can you pan over to our bitchin’ phone bank and get a look at all these super stars who have come out for the cause!?

*camera pans to 3 cell phones at the bar manned by Micheal Arangano, Nikki Reed and Solomon Trimble*

Cathy– Guys, why don’t you introduce yourself for the audience at home…

Why am I still attached to this Twilight crap? I thought I was rid of her

Why am I still associated with this Twilight crap? I thought I was rid of her?

Micheal Arangano– Hey Guys, I’m Micheal Arangano I’m an actor for LA you might know me better as the younger William in Almost Famous, Jack’s (does Just Jack hands) son on Will & Grace or that hobo at your local coffee shop. But most of you will probably know me best as Oregano, Kristen Stewart’s boyfriend. And I’m here cause I owe Cathy back for putting me in her movies like Lords of Dogtown. Go Nikki…

We used to borrow each others clothes!

Nikki Reed– Um… hiiiii I’m Nikki Reed. Since I owe Catherine my whole acting career she snookered me into manning one of the phones tonight. I’d much rather be creating my own personal neon colored nike’s online or zipping around Greece on my boyfriends yacht. But I love you Haiti. Hey you… you’re up next (points to Solomon)

Alberto Vo5 hot oil model!

Solomon Trimble – HEY everyone! I’m Solomon otherwise known at THE ORIGINAL (maybe) Sam Uley but now known as Sales Associate #7 at the Portland, Oregan Home Depot. Cathy calls me up late at night from this Fridays and begs me to visit her. She called yesterday so I thought it was just another booty call, but I guess we’re here to support Haiti! Call in folks, make those donations cause I gotta be back at work in an hour.

Cathy– Awwww, aren’t they great and sexy and hot, our telephone bank folks?! Start calling in guys we need those donations!!!

*Luke the bartenders cell rings*

Cathy– Looks like we have our first donation!!! How much are they going to be giving to the people of Haiti? *looks at the telephone bank expectantly*

Luke – Sorry Cathy, that was my boss on the line he wants to know when the telethon’s gonna be over because we have a “Happy to be Divorced and back in the market” party coming in at 730.

Cathy – Oh my favorite! Anyway… to get those donations rolling in let’s welcome to the Happy Hour for Haiti telethon Alice Cullen herself, Sobe Water’s newest spokeswhore: ASHLEY GREENE!!! Come on out here chica!

Follow the cut to see how the telethon goes and to see if they raise more money than Rob’s telethon
Continue reading

Twilight Secrets: Everyone still has one

Dear Twilight Secret Keepers,

I love hearing your secrets!

More secrets after the jump! Continue reading

This is how you found us? Vol. 6

f-a-k-e l-e-s-b-i-a-n-s

Dear LTT-ers and lost googlers,

We haven’t done one of these in a while but one of our favorite old school posts are “This is how you found us?” One day waaaay back in 2009 we found this handy little feature on WordPress that tells you what search terms people used to find our blog and we’ve been laughing ever since. They used to be even more off the wall than these and though most days they’re boring search terms like “Twilight” or “Kellan Shirtless” sometimes we still run across a few gems and we save them to share. So here we go again with…

This is how you found us?

Blonde and sorta smiling? Our fave KStew!

Kristen Stewart blond – Hey Rob, Blond KStew is our favorite KStew, can you convince her to go back to that? Thanks.

Taylor Lautner underwear – Um, Fruit of the Loom or is he more a commando type guy? I can’t even ponder that cause I’ll get arrested and you probably will too.

Taylor Lautner ladies underwear – Wait, Taytay do you have something to tell us? Cause this mental image is so disturbing

I saw New Moon – Oh EM GEE We did too! Combined viewings? 11. Yup.

Hang on tight spider monkey – You don’t know said this makes us. Our precious blog is linked to that hideous line from Twilight. Someone hold me hand

Do’s and Don’t of Meetings – Don’t bring up your Robsession or penchant for spending the clients time on Twitter looking for new Twilight news. Just a word to the wise

JTT + Me = tru luv 4ever!

JTT Now – Well, when you say “JTT” I assume you mean mid 90s teen heart throb Jonathon Taylor Thomas and you’re wondering what’s he doing now? Not a friggin clue dude. Definitely not acting in Twilight, that’s for darn sure but I did hear he is gay. That takes that heart throb thing to a whole new level, doesn’t it? Obviously Tiger Beat mag does not come equipped with gay-dar.

Jonathon Taylor Thomas nude – 9 of you creeps searched this on the same day. WTF?! This is Randy from Home Improvement. Have some respect!

Where does Robert Pattinson hang out?– My guess? Anywhere you’re not

Follow the cut to see what else you crazies searched…
Continue reading

Krazy Kidd’s had a krazzzzy year in the Twilight fandom

*One of our lovely pals and long team readers, Krazy Kidd (that’s her name for a reason!) is celebrating her 1 year LTT/LTR anniversary and wanted to write a letter to us all*

At least we meet!

Dear LTR/LTT:

Guess what January 19th is…yup you guessed it…it’s my one year anniversary with you and I wanted to write you a letter to kind of sum up this past awesomesauce year and all the amazing people who I’ve been able to meet, hang, and have fun with through the LTR/LTT blog! I know time has flown by quickly huh?! It seems like yesterday when I thought I was losing my mind because I didn’t think anyone would understand my “Acute Fondness” with all things Rob/Twilight! To think that all this love for both the books and Rob have brought me close to some amazing people who have become part of my life and have helped me be where I am today…it just amazes me! So for today’s post I hope you enjoy the sappiness that my letter brings as I thank you and these people for creating such great memories this past year.

(drunk) friends are friends forever

Before LTR/LTT I thought that I was alone in my love for the books and my creepy infatuation with Rob. None of my friends understood why I had read the four books in 5 days and why I continued to read them after the fact. They also didn’t see the appeal to Rob and thought I was probably losing my mind because to them he was no Brad Pitt. Luckily for me I happen to stumble upon this gem through another website as I was looking for information on Rob and his whereabouts since it was the time after the Twilight movie came out and he had somewhat disappeared…I know creepy…don’t judge. As I clicked on the link it brought me to the Letters to Rob website and as I read through the comments I couldn’t help but laugh and be relieved to find that other people also shared the love for the things that had taken up a huge part of my time at that moment. It was refreshing to see the approach that UC and Moon had towards the Twilight/Rob topics, with their wit and charm I was instantly drawn in and haven’t been the same ever since.

Some hot ladies and a unicorn

As time progressed the blog got bigger and more people started hanging out and leaving comments. The friendships I was beginning to build through this blog were blossoming. At the same time my personal life was going through a downward spiral…you see I was going through some things at the time and I remember getting onto to LTT one morning and seeing this https://letterstotwilight.wordpress.com/2009/05/05/the-new-moon-contest-winner-that-should-have-been/ …I felt like UC was speaking directly to me with this post…to say I broke down was an understatement. I emailed UC that day and just let her know how much the post had touched me and how it spoke volumes to me. She was amazing and friendly and just…there for me. I felt comfortable and I pretty much spilled my guts and felt better afterward. She then put me in touch with another amazing girl BrookeLockart aka Brookie who was going through a similar situation. Brookie was there for me 100% and showed unconditional support no matter the distance between us. You see LTR/LTT to me is more than just a blog where I can shoot the shiz or laugh at the 2nd-hand embarrassment that happens. That day I knew that this blog brought people together and the people that this blog has connected and help build bonds with are wonderful individuals and I can see these people being in my life for a very long time. I know I totes sound like a hallmark card, so cliche and cheesy, but I just want to give you an idea of how amazeballs the LTR/LTT peeps are!

Follow the cut to read the rest of Krazy Kidd’s letter
Continue reading

Taylor goes to the Golden Globes and becomes Olive Garden’s Spokesperson

Dear Taylor-

Like a good girl I had nothing better to do I tuned in, last night, to the Golden Globes with my homegirls HisOne&Only and NoPaperKG to see celebs get plastered and accept an award named after Selma Hayek’s lady friends. And in the process totally remembered that one of the Holy Trinity was going to be presenting! That meant red carpet time complete with awkward interviews and presenting time. What would you wear? What would you say? Would Ryan Seacrest ask you in-depth questions about his abdominal routine?

This is how it went down in my head

Taylor arrives to the rainy red carpet of the Golden Globes…

Don’t worry ladies this pleather suit’s been pretreated to resist water stains. Your couches, on the other hand, have not.


What up now, Taylor Swift? You having just friendly feelings towards THIS?! Yup, that’s what I thought…
c


Seriously?! FOR REALS?! Besides the fact that Taylor obviously reads LTT and obviously has great taste in economically-priced-mall-adjacent Italian restaurants,  if some bozo at the Olive Garden HQ hasn’t offered Taylor free Soup, Salad and Breadsticks for life if he’ll be their Spokeswhore, someone’s crazy! I’m sure Big Daddy has already pitched this cross promotional idea to both Olive Garden and Summit but Olive Garden had to reject it since they’d end up losing money and probably make iceberg lettuce extinct for offering that kind of deal to Big Daddy.
c


YEAAAAA Bro, get it dawg! My man Joseph Gordan Levitt is trying to back that azzzz up with Precious!
c


Uuuuggghhh SO full from Olive Garden. I shouldn’t have let Big Daddy convince me to go there pre-Golden Globes just to show them how much manicotti their new Spokeswhore can eat.
c

Follow the cut to see the rest of Taylor at the Golden Globes…
Continue reading

Appreciation Sunday: Anna Kendrick

Dear Anna,

Today seems like an appropriate day to appreciate you since tonight you are going to one of the hottest events in this year’s award season to hopefully score a Golden Globe for best supporting actress. That is impressive. Even if you don’t win tonight (and I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t want to go up against Mo’nique if I were you!) you have SO much to be proud of!

Hey Jessica

First we loved you as Jessica Stanley and considered you part of the “dream team” of actors (aka the humans) in Twilight and then again in New Moon. You made us feel like were 17 again as we got out the old yearbook and reminisced about who Jessica Stanley was at our schools back in the day (Mine was Jenny Waller- cute, semi-popular (curly hair like the Jessica in the book) and sweet to your face but a bitch behind your back). And then you stole the show in your few scenes in New Moon. I lost the paper where I wrote it down, but I think I counted nine “likes” during the scene when you and Bella were leaving the movies. Brilliant. Like really.

And then you go and not only hold it together in the presence of George Clooney and that hot girl he hooks up with but you actually RULE your part. It’s no secret that actors tend to play parts that are similar from project to project. So I expected your character in Up in the Air to be a version of Jessica Stanley. No! You were an Ivy-league educated, know-it-all with a sweet, forward spirit and a really bad ponytail. And you blew me away! You blew a lot of people away, obviously since you’re winning awards all over the place! Not to mention the director, Jason Reitman, wrote the part for you, before he even met you! That’s impressive!

So girl, go get ’em tonight! You have a major fan in me!

Tell Clooney hi for me!,
UnintendedChoice

After the jump, check out some fun vids of Anna I found! Plus drool over more pictures cuz that girl is hoooot! Continue reading

Big Daddy & Taylor go to the Olive Garden “where they’re family”

Hmmmm I can almost taste "The Tour of Italy"

Dear Big Daddy,

I see that you convinced Taylor to go to the Olive Garden for a lunch of all-you-can-eat “Soup, Salad and Breadsticks” so that you can finally get that last punch on your frequent diner card. Free chocolate lasagna with you next meal here you come! It’s also nice that you swung by Santa Monica Ave to pick up a local tranny to participate in your “Launter for a day” charity that you started with the family. Every weekend the family picks up a stray tranny/hobo/Disney star to “adopt for the day” and show them what Lautner-style hospitality is really all about. What they don’t know if that for every diner you bring in you get an extra punch on your card, so really it’s cutting your time till you get the free dessert in half. You’re SO smart, no one could pull a “shocker” on you! You’re pretty much the reason Outback had to stop their frequent diner program, after a week of consecutive lunches with the cast of The Suite Life plus all the ladies from Jumbo’s Clown Room (look it up) they almost went bankrupt from giving out so many free Bloomin’ Onions. Way to stick it to the man!

LTT: Where you’re family,
Themoonisdown

Black v neck? Check! Shiteous Nikes? Check! Borrowed plaid shirt? FAIL!

Dear Taylor,

So either Rob gave his costars personalized shiteous Nike’s for Xmas or this is a not-so-silent plea for GQ to name you their number 1 Best Dressed Male in 2011. Well played friend, well played!

XO
Moon

Follow the cut for an extra special Saturday surprise… you should defs follow the cut if your name is UC
Continue reading

My Twilight confession (it just makes no sense)

Dear Twilosophy 101 Class,

A few days ago I was just sitting at my desk at work and suddenly overcome with emotion. Like I cried real, actual tears. Why? Oh, just “Flightless bird, American mouth” by Iron & Wine from the Twi soundtrack came on. Why in the world did that make me cry!? Because I started remembering how it used to choke me up, and how I used to listen to the soundtrack over and over again… Remembering the story- Remembering Bella and Edward…their forbidden love… and DYING to see the movie again!

Hey. I have a beard. And will make you cry with my songs

I’ve seen New Moon 4 times (I know, THAT’s it! Moon is killing me in the # of times she’s seen it!) It’s still in a few theaters in my area, although it’s not EVERYWHERE like it was…. but, honestly, I’m not sure I’m going to go see it again. I don’t NEED to see it. I NEEDED to see Twilight. I’d sit at my desk, I’d get all teary-eyed when Iron & Wine came on… and then I’d make plans to go see the movie.

It makes no sense.

It’s not rational.

Twilight isn’t good

New Moon is better (but still not very good)

So why am I choked up right now? Is it the reminder of how entranced I was a year ago by the phenomenon? Is it the remembrance of the hours I spent google-stalking Rob Pattinson and learning intimate details about all the cast members we hate slash love now?

The hype has died down. Forget for a second that New Moon has made almost 700 billion dollars world-wide- The Twilight movie’s hype lasted longer. Maybe it’s because they needed to make room for Avatar, but New Moon is disappearing in theaters all across the country. I think this time last year it was still going strong in theaters across the nation. Twilight wasn’t released world-wide all at once, so I suppose the hype and buzz just grew and grew into eventual explosion. New Moon feels like it all exploded at once on November 20th.

But why don’t I cry when I listen to the New Moon soundtrack? God knows it’s the most effing depressing thing out there. Bon Iver kills me when he sings with St. Vincent. Thom Yorke gives me butterfly feelings in my belly (get the soundtrack on vinyl if you have a record player- besides the fact that it’s annoyingly on 4 sides, it sounds so amazing!) but I don’t cry. There’s no ‘moment’ song like Iron & Wine’s song at the prom scene for me.

I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes, feeling like a crazy person (I am) because I’m crying over memories of a really bad movie and how it made me feel, and I’m wishing that its less bad but still sucky part 2 would make me feel the same…

Here’s to that mother effing leg hitch and whatever song comes with it that better make me cry a whole year later after I first hear it,
UnintendedChoice

What do you think? Am I crazy? Feel the same? Self-conscious cause you know The Font is gonna read your comments?

Follow the jump for a special message from us! Continue reading

Moons friend is a Twilight comment whore, but not the way you think

*When my friend told me he skims our posts but reads our comments religiously every day I knew he had to write a letter to you all. And after much (read: me asking) convincing he has written a little love letter to you all so without further adieu I present to you my friend and fellow “Little People, Big World” lover…*

I'm pretty sure he would never be caught dead in this shirt

Dear Twi-Hards,

Let me write a quick introduction: I’m a dude. I’m straight. If my brothers knew that I was writing an entry for a blog called Letters to Twilight, they would kick my ass, assuming they know what Twilight is.

I’ve read the first book, and get the general gist of the rest of the series (girl meets vampire, falls for him, vampire leaves for some reason, nice guy werewolf tries to pick of the pieces, something about a Vampire Senate, vampire C-section, werewolf trying to fuck a baby, ecetera ecetera).

And let me be very clear about this: my involvement with the Twilight series began as something entirely mercenary. I had an outside shot at working for someone involved with the Twilight franchise (Twi-chise? Twi-fran? Team Franchise?) so that’s why I read the book and watched the first flick (in the theaters, no less!).

Now, I don’t like Twilight. At it’s best, it reads like well-crafted Buffy fan-fiction, and at it’s worst, it reads like an abstinent goth teenager ate a bad piece of soy-based pizza and watched that Ann Rice vampire movie with Brad Pitt.

The main character is bland, and has no redeeming qualities other than smelling nice or something. And she’s pretty? It’s saying a lot that I can’t remember anything about her other than those two facts.

Edward is basically a really good-looking vampire version of that guy that used to give you a lot of mixtapes, even after he told you that he just wanted to be friends. If Bella had any sense, she’d just make Edward do her homework and help her pick outfits for the shooting guard of Fork’s basketball team. Maybe one time she could get really drunk and let him feel her up, but then she’d have to hear about how it was the greatest night of his life for the next year and a half.

Jacob is a puppy dog (GET IT?!) sort of doofy dude who would probably end up being really cool in college and then marrying someone who’s probably too good-looking for him, but he’d be too dumb to be self conscious about it. I actually kind of like the guy, which makes the part at the end about him wanting to bang an infant all the more terrible.

Oh the power of the comments... just a click away from infamy or stupidity

But, all this being said, I am fucking addicted to reading this blog. Like, to the point of absurdity. It’s the first thing I read at work, which I’m sure would be enough to allow me to be castrated in Uganda (topical joke!).

BUT THAT’S NOT EVEN THE WORST PART! The worst part is that every work day, about a half hour it’s quitting time, I refresh the blog entry and start on the comments.

Oh, the comments. That’s what keeps me coming back, ladies. You have no idea. I start, and I go until my little heart can’t take any more. They’re like my own personal version of low-grade methamphetamine’s, except that they’re distributed by WordPress and not biker gangs.

Follow the cut to read the rest of his crazy fascination with your lovely commenters!
Continue reading

The Twilight cast takes on awards season!

Here to provide advice to the Twilight cast members about the upcoming awards season, CalliopeBlabs

Dear Twilight Saga Cast Members,

There’s always something sad about the end of the holidays. There’s this period of mourning when the holiday decorations start to come down, the leftovers make their way into the trashcan, and you discover that last piece of glitter hiding in that unmentionable place and hope its from when you dropped the container while making ornaments for charity and not from that midnight encounter in the back of the crowded bar while you were engaged in… questionable shenanigans during the ball dropping. Yes, the end of the holidays is harsh. Sad. Depressing. I can only imagine how much this is affecting all of you… as I envision the holidays (and the time off) were especially dear to you this year. Especially you Stew, I know how you love Christmas so (#HolidayStewLivesOn).

But you see, the gods of Hollywood knew that the end of the Holiday season could prove detrimental to the well being of the faces of their industry. This is why, they invented… drum roll please… AWARDS SEASON. What better way to get the fabulous hunks of Hollywood to hop into a tanning booth to shed themselves of the pallid tone they’d acquired while secluded in the mountain ski resorts across the world. How else to insure that the starlets would do everything in their power to shed the ghastly 1 pound they put on while actually EATING over the holidays? Why… COMPETITION of course! NUMEROUS, LIVE, OVERLY DOCUMENTED, COMPETITIONS!!! And the competition isn’t even what makes awards season fabulous… no, no… it’s the horrible fashion faux pas, The embarrassing speeches, The scandalous dates, The hopeful catfights, The after party gossip,… all these things whose mere mention make me more excited than a teen wolf who imprints on someone his own age!

Now, though New Moon may not have been the most critically acclaimed movie this past year, it sure as hell did put a good dent in the Box office numbers for 2009… and that alone should allow you, dear TSCMs (aka Twilight Saga cast members… I’m in the mood for acronyms today), some good leeway in earning your way into the swag-bag pre-parties, The sizzling, boozefest afterparties, and, of course, the events themselves. Between the PCAs, CCAs, GGs, SAGs, BAFTAs, Grammys and of course the Oscars… there are a lot of Hollywood bigwig asses to be kissed there is a lot to know! I won’t bore you with my winner predictions or tease you with who I think will be best dressed on this year’s carpets (hint: it’s not you Ashley Greene) instead, I’d like to present you with a guide of sorts to all things awards… so that you understand where to go, what to wear , and who to bang who to approach to further your career.

Kristen voted "Bobby Long" 1,200 times

The PCAs (The People’s Choice Awards)

Aka the ones where you only the winners have to show up

These awards, dear TSCMs, are voted on by the people… you know… people like me. Or you. That’s right. I’m calling you out ROB and KRISTEN. I know what you’re thinking readers… “Rob and Kristen didn’t win”… and nope… they sure didn’t. And you know why? Because since they’d wrapped promotion on New Moon, those two had been sitting around, feeding each other In-N-Out, sipping Heinekens, and voting for other people. And you thought the only thing they knew how to do sneakily was each other… HAH! Know why the whole BritPack was on Isle of Wright for New Years? It wasn’t because they wanted company… no, no… it was because Rob and Kristen, in a last ditch effort, had practically set up a command central where everyone focused on voting for other people in their categories. This is how serious they were about NOT showing up to another awards show. I fear for MTVMAs… I do.

The CCAs (The Critic’s Choice Awards)

Aka the ones you most definitely should stay clear of

Dakota- showing the newbies how it's done

For some reason or another, the Critics HATE you guys. Well… most of you. Stewie, Sheen and Fanning… you guys would sorta be in the clear to go to this… as long as you do not mention the Saga AT ALL. Like, when a reporter asks if you are excited about Eclipse you simply look at them, dumbfounded, and say “you must have me mistaken with someone else… I’m Listen Hewart” and then run off. Like RUN. And Rob, for the love of the hot pocket, you are NOT to go near this event. In fact, I think you’d be well advised to bunker down in the UK for a good 2 days pre and post event just to be safe. They would spot you coming and literally EAT YOU ALIVE. Furthermore, it’s on VH1… if that doesn’t scream waste of your time… I don’t know what does.

Calliope REALLY educates the cast after the jump! Continue reading