What’s taking Breaking Dawn so long?

Breaking Dawn logoDear Eclipse,

We’re almost at 5 months to the DAY of when Eclipse will be released and we’ve seen nothing but a wide angle picture of a meadow scene. More than 6 months before New Moon came out we had a trailer. Then soon after we had ABS! And JORTS! I’m kinda losing my patience here. What will be the catch phrases of Eclipse? Will we be treated to another 122 minutes off cut off blue denim’s finest? Or will you raise the fashion bar a bit and give us cut off black sweatpants, like Stephenie Meyers originally wrote? All I know is that I should be focused on you and your impending release in 154 days (see, I shouldn’t have had to look that up- I should have KNOWN that number off the top of my head) but I’m not. I’m barely even worried because we have bigger issues to be occupying our minds: Breaking Dawn

Dear Breaking Dawn,

What.The.Freak? I mean, I get waiting until the new year to make some sort of announcement. New Moon’s release was crazy- the numbers were outstanding- then the holidays and hit and Avatar made New Moon’s earnings look like pocket change- but all that is in the past. IT’S JANUARY TWENTY FIFTH. What the H is going on? All we know is what Moon shared with us a few weeks back. Which, to recap, was nothing. It’s all so blurry in my mind I can’t even remember- have we even had CONFIRMATION from you yet that you’re actually going to be made into a feature film? I know the stars are confirming it when they’re asked in interviews, but come on- who believes them? They think everyone lives in a sunny place where catering trucks sell sushi that won’t immediately send you to the emergency room writhing with stomach pain and every day folks can spell “Louboutin” (had to look that one up too). I need the 411 stat (of COURSE this twitter account exists: @BreakingDawn411– that’s like looking for a Robsten video set to “I’ll Make Love to youObviousssss!)

You’re really forcing the wheels in my brain to turn and turn… and figure out for myself why we haven’t heard any news yet. Here is what I’ve come up with:

1. Issues with Stephenie Meyer.

Pancho: Also, babe- write me a love scene with this blonde

And I’m talking something bigger than “Should it be one or two movies?” Cuz that’s easy- flip a gosh darn coin. Problem solved. No, no. I’m thinking if there are issues with Stephenie they are critical. Maybe this time she’s not happy with just a cameo role as a patron in the diner. Maybe she heard the outcry of 40-43% of Twilight fans 10 months ago and said, “Yeah- I agree. I want to recast Bella too. Let’s cast ME” and won’t sign off on the movie until they meet her demands.

Or perhaps there’s an issue within her marriage that’s she’s trying to fix. Maybe Pancho, her husband, finally tired of his wife always being in the spotlight and the focus never being on him, woke up one morning and demanded, “Steph- why does EVERY member of our family have a character named after them, but I do not?” And she gasped, red-faced, “You’re right. I must show the world that I DO love you by re-writing the series with YOUR name as the main character.” So she’s been busy writing about Bella and Pancho. And of course that changes the location of the story, as someone named Pancho would clearly never live in Forks. Instead, Bella and Pancho meet in a heavily wooded area outside of Guadalajara. Pancho has a point. We never think about him. He’s never gotten his own letter. He’s Mexican right? (His name IS Pancho). We did a whole bit about a mexican Twilight character- Tequila Tomas. We didn’t even think of Steph’s poor hubby. Why didn’t Patrón Pancho come to mind? Poor guy….

Find out what else is holding up Breaking Dawn after the jump! Continue reading

Dakota Fanning at Sundance – A Thank You

Fan-dance!

Dear Dakota-

I think this is our first letter to just you! After this weekend’s Sundance overload I felt it was time to throw some of the spotlight on YOU and add you to the hallowed halls of letter recipients. It seems as though Twitter exploded with KStew information and pictures from Sundance even going as far as to proclaim it “Stewdance” which is probably blasphemous since if it needed to be renamed anything this weekend if should have been “Howldance” but what I couldn’t help noticing between all the clutter and tweets and pictures and koolaid drinking was you. You held a quiet confidence in pictures and looked like a young actress with tons of experience but was not willing to dismiss her age in lieu of appearing more mature, skanky or above it all like some of the actors and actresses who showed up. That’s pretty high-five worthy in my book.

I’d also like to thank you for going to Park City and keeping it real. You showed that you can be a teenager, comb your hair, put on a nice jacket, some ripped jeans and Doc Martens and still look presentable like you’re trying to sell a movie you’re proud of. Good on you!


Now THIS is the way to do rocker chic in the snow! Loving the Docs, I think I may have to dig my pair out


Thanks for giving us a kick-ass Ziggy Stardust shirt instead of a free shot of your nipple or midriff

Can you tell I’m over the Sundance madness already?
Themoonisdown

What do you think of the hoopla surrounding Sundance? Love it? Hate it? Anyone got love for the Fanning? Anyone know where I can get that Panther shirt?

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Dear Twilight: I resent you

So often we receive letters from all the “educated types.” No, no- not people with plain old college educations. I mean people with LEGIT education. From like Harvard, Yale or any of the schools in England because they all seem so much better than the ones we have in the US. Or people finishing up their master thesis’ or better yet, in the final days of a doctoral program. And when I hear those people, obviously so much smarter than me, have been as entranced by the Twilight saga as I have been, I feel better about myself. Here is one such example:

Smart Book

Dear Twilight-

Forgive me for beginning my letter harshly, but since I write you on a single, persistent theme, I feel I must introduce it immediately: Twilight, I resent you.

I met you for work. As a doctorate student, I am obligated to be a teacher’s assistant to the professors in the art department. If I have to be honest, I’ll admit to you that I only occasionally enjoy this work. There is a long list of reasons why, I suppose, but mostly I can classify the reason under tedium. It can be tedious to grade papers, make power-points, listen to the same lecture repeatedly, listen to the same lecture repeatedly, listen to the same lecture repeatedly. (Twilight, I’m guessing you know a bit about tedium, because some of your description are repetitive. We know Edward’s beautiful. We know. God help us, we know.)

Anyway, last semester I had to T.A. an introductory course called “Beauty in Art: Changing Standards and Cultural Mirroring.” This is an interesting topic, so big and interesting it almost can’t be taught well. The professor, who has a pony-tail and fancies himself kind of the bongo-playing, all questions are good questions, bring your weed to my office anytime archetype, organizes the course so that a great deal of class time is spent on contemporary standards of beauty. His most strenuous attempt to get bored freshmen to embrace him as their peer came when you, Twilight, were the focus of discussion for three classes.

Not Smart Book

I found myself in a forced Twilight immersion. I had to read all of you. I had to watch all of you. I had to photocopy and violate international copyright and licensing laws by distributing many passages of you. The thing is- I had to. It was my job. You discuss beauty so explicitly, so you were perfect. You describe the perfect man. How could the professor have ignored you?

Twilight, I’m an art historian, ok? I’m going to lay it on the line for you. I’m probably less snobby than many of the people I work for, or with, but in general, we’re a snobby group. We’re not as snobby as art critics, but we’re snobby. We’re all shut up in libraries (pale ourselves, but not in an attractive way), writing scholarly articles to each other on topics of obscurity, speaking a language all our own. We tend to get snobby, because the more discriminatory one’s area of specialty, the more likely one is to be the authority on it. So when I read you, and watched you, I said to you, “Why, Twilight, you just aren’t very good. Your Stephanie Meyer gives us what we want too easily. I’m not actually sure she’s a good writer. And if I’m working on that theory, then I’m going to go ahead and be a little offended that she brings Wuthering Heights into the mix, because that happens to be a really, really great book.”

The class ended. I graded the papers on how hot Edward was. Not many of them were good. He’s too hot- do you know what I mean, Twilight? Can you understand why a paper on beauty wouldn’t be good if it was just a description of something that is, by its very definition, beautiful? The class needed to push past this, into sort of a meta discussion of beauty, but it was an 8AM lecture. Most of the male students were lulled to sleep by the wash-out Forks’ colors and most of the women were just too…stimulated.

So here I am, Twilight: Still in a forced Twilight immersion, because we’re all in a forced cultural Twilight immersion. I can’t escape from you. And nothing I can do will change that. And if I somehow could- which I can’t- I would feel such a sense of loss. I like you, Twilight. I know I’m being manipulated by some not great writing, some not great movies, but oh, Twilight, you are so addictive. I’m really and truly stuck.

This is my plan. I’m not apologizing for it, either. I’m going to like you, and resent you. I’m going to admit I like you, and resent you, when asked. I’m not categorizing you under guilty pleasure- for me, for my own peace of mind, there’s only pleasure and non-pleasure. I started today. In my tiny cubby hole office, the center of my tiny cubby hole world, there is now a picture of Edward leaning down, his brow so perfectly, so painfully furrowed, to kiss Bella. (I cut Bella out.) You’re in it now, Twilight, stuck up on the wall with pictures of re-constructed Nineveh. You make me happy, Twilight, like Assyrian art makes me happy, so I’m sticking by you. I hate you. I love you.

Love, Me

Are you a smart person. No, I mean like a really smart person? Do you like Twilight?

Last image from a site called Smart People who happen to like Twilight

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

The Twilight cast comes together for an all star Twi-telethon

Dear LTT-ers,

Tonight’s the night for the big Celebrity telethon extravaganza which Robert Pattinson will be part of. And we’re so happy and excited for him to be part of such a public show of love and support for the people of Haiti. Of course we’ll be calling in a billion times to try and catch Rob or maybe Brad Pitt and we hope you will be too. Of course this got us to thinking about how a telethon hosted by some Twilight cast and crew who were not invited to participate in the office telethon would go down… So here we are ready to crack a couple jokes and hopefully make you smile big enough to crack open your Twilight wallets to donate to the cause.

*We’re quick to say this is all in good fun that we aren’t making light of a natural disaster that’s rocked so many people, but instead want to cause a few smiles because if we couldn’t laugh than we’d be forced to tears*

*On your local Public Access station*

Cougarita's for the cause!

Catherine Hardwicke – Heeeeeeey you crazy cats welcome to our telethon live from the TGIFridays in Venice Beach, California. I’m your host, director of the best Twilight movie everrrrrr, Catherine Hardwicke, but you can call my Cat that’s what all my ex boyfriends call me and since we’re all friends now, why not?

As you know Haiti endured a devastating 7.0 earthquake last Tuesday. I don’t know where you were last Tuesday but I was hanging out on THE BED Rob and Kristin auditioned on in my groovy bungalow in Venice Beach when my latest screw Luke *waves to Luke the bartender* told me the news. I was shocked! How could we not help the good people of Haiti? But what could I do? Being the female director with the highest box office gross ever and with all my connections to the Twilight cast I just knew George Clooney would call me up instantly and ask me to be on his Hope for Haiti Now telethon. I waited and waited… but NO CALL. Can you believe that? So I thought, screw him Cat, you can do your own telethon! So here we are on your local public access station at my TGIFridays to bring you Cathy’s Happy Hour for Haiti telethon!

I’ve called all my friends and celebrity pals to join us! Rob may be part of that other snooty telethon but I’ve got the REAL star power here at Happy Hour for Haiti! Cameras, can you pan over to our bitchin’ phone bank and get a look at all these super stars who have come out for the cause!?

*camera pans to 3 cell phones at the bar manned by Micheal Arangano, Nikki Reed and Solomon Trimble*

Cathy– Guys, why don’t you introduce yourself for the audience at home…

Why am I still attached to this Twilight crap? I thought I was rid of her

Why am I still associated with this Twilight crap? I thought I was rid of her?

Micheal Arangano– Hey Guys, I’m Micheal Arangano I’m an actor for LA you might know me better as the younger William in Almost Famous, Jack’s (does Just Jack hands) son on Will & Grace or that hobo at your local coffee shop. But most of you will probably know me best as Oregano, Kristen Stewart’s boyfriend. And I’m here cause I owe Cathy back for putting me in her movies like Lords of Dogtown. Go Nikki…

We used to borrow each others clothes!

Nikki Reed– Um… hiiiii I’m Nikki Reed. Since I owe Catherine my whole acting career she snookered me into manning one of the phones tonight. I’d much rather be creating my own personal neon colored nike’s online or zipping around Greece on my boyfriends yacht. But I love you Haiti. Hey you… you’re up next (points to Solomon)

Alberto Vo5 hot oil model!

Solomon Trimble – HEY everyone! I’m Solomon otherwise known at THE ORIGINAL (maybe) Sam Uley but now known as Sales Associate #7 at the Portland, Oregan Home Depot. Cathy calls me up late at night from this Fridays and begs me to visit her. She called yesterday so I thought it was just another booty call, but I guess we’re here to support Haiti! Call in folks, make those donations cause I gotta be back at work in an hour.

Cathy– Awwww, aren’t they great and sexy and hot, our telephone bank folks?! Start calling in guys we need those donations!!!

*Luke the bartenders cell rings*

Cathy– Looks like we have our first donation!!! How much are they going to be giving to the people of Haiti? *looks at the telephone bank expectantly*

Luke – Sorry Cathy, that was my boss on the line he wants to know when the telethon’s gonna be over because we have a “Happy to be Divorced and back in the market” party coming in at 730.

Cathy – Oh my favorite! Anyway… to get those donations rolling in let’s welcome to the Happy Hour for Haiti telethon Alice Cullen herself, Sobe Water’s newest spokeswhore: ASHLEY GREENE!!! Come on out here chica!

Follow the cut to see how the telethon goes and to see if they raise more money than Rob’s telethon
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Twilight Secrets: Everyone still has one

Dear Twilight Secret Keepers,

I love hearing your secrets!

More secrets after the jump! Continue reading

This is how you found us? Vol. 6

f-a-k-e l-e-s-b-i-a-n-s

Dear LTT-ers and lost googlers,

We haven’t done one of these in a while but one of our favorite old school posts are “This is how you found us?” One day waaaay back in 2009 we found this handy little feature on WordPress that tells you what search terms people used to find our blog and we’ve been laughing ever since. They used to be even more off the wall than these and though most days they’re boring search terms like “Twilight” or “Kellan Shirtless” sometimes we still run across a few gems and we save them to share. So here we go again with…

This is how you found us?

Blonde and sorta smiling? Our fave KStew!

Kristen Stewart blond – Hey Rob, Blond KStew is our favorite KStew, can you convince her to go back to that? Thanks.

Taylor Lautner underwear – Um, Fruit of the Loom or is he more a commando type guy? I can’t even ponder that cause I’ll get arrested and you probably will too.

Taylor Lautner ladies underwear – Wait, Taytay do you have something to tell us? Cause this mental image is so disturbing

I saw New Moon – Oh EM GEE We did too! Combined viewings? 11. Yup.

Hang on tight spider monkey – You don’t know said this makes us. Our precious blog is linked to that hideous line from Twilight. Someone hold me hand

Do’s and Don’t of Meetings – Don’t bring up your Robsession or penchant for spending the clients time on Twitter looking for new Twilight news. Just a word to the wise

JTT + Me = tru luv 4ever!

JTT Now – Well, when you say “JTT” I assume you mean mid 90s teen heart throb Jonathon Taylor Thomas and you’re wondering what’s he doing now? Not a friggin clue dude. Definitely not acting in Twilight, that’s for darn sure but I did hear he is gay. That takes that heart throb thing to a whole new level, doesn’t it? Obviously Tiger Beat mag does not come equipped with gay-dar.

Jonathon Taylor Thomas nude – 9 of you creeps searched this on the same day. WTF?! This is Randy from Home Improvement. Have some respect!

Where does Robert Pattinson hang out?– My guess? Anywhere you’re not

Follow the cut to see what else you crazies searched…
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Krazy Kidd’s had a krazzzzy year in the Twilight fandom

*One of our lovely pals and long team readers, Krazy Kidd (that’s her name for a reason!) is celebrating her 1 year LTT/LTR anniversary and wanted to write a letter to us all*

At least we meet!

Dear LTR/LTT:

Guess what January 19th is…yup you guessed it…it’s my one year anniversary with you and I wanted to write you a letter to kind of sum up this past awesomesauce year and all the amazing people who I’ve been able to meet, hang, and have fun with through the LTR/LTT blog! I know time has flown by quickly huh?! It seems like yesterday when I thought I was losing my mind because I didn’t think anyone would understand my “Acute Fondness” with all things Rob/Twilight! To think that all this love for both the books and Rob have brought me close to some amazing people who have become part of my life and have helped me be where I am today…it just amazes me! So for today’s post I hope you enjoy the sappiness that my letter brings as I thank you and these people for creating such great memories this past year.

(drunk) friends are friends forever

Before LTR/LTT I thought that I was alone in my love for the books and my creepy infatuation with Rob. None of my friends understood why I had read the four books in 5 days and why I continued to read them after the fact. They also didn’t see the appeal to Rob and thought I was probably losing my mind because to them he was no Brad Pitt. Luckily for me I happen to stumble upon this gem through another website as I was looking for information on Rob and his whereabouts since it was the time after the Twilight movie came out and he had somewhat disappeared…I know creepy…don’t judge. As I clicked on the link it brought me to the Letters to Rob website and as I read through the comments I couldn’t help but laugh and be relieved to find that other people also shared the love for the things that had taken up a huge part of my time at that moment. It was refreshing to see the approach that UC and Moon had towards the Twilight/Rob topics, with their wit and charm I was instantly drawn in and haven’t been the same ever since.

Some hot ladies and a unicorn

As time progressed the blog got bigger and more people started hanging out and leaving comments. The friendships I was beginning to build through this blog were blossoming. At the same time my personal life was going through a downward spiral…you see I was going through some things at the time and I remember getting onto to LTT one morning and seeing this https://letterstotwilight.wordpress.com/2009/05/05/the-new-moon-contest-winner-that-should-have-been/ …I felt like UC was speaking directly to me with this post…to say I broke down was an understatement. I emailed UC that day and just let her know how much the post had touched me and how it spoke volumes to me. She was amazing and friendly and just…there for me. I felt comfortable and I pretty much spilled my guts and felt better afterward. She then put me in touch with another amazing girl BrookeLockart aka Brookie who was going through a similar situation. Brookie was there for me 100% and showed unconditional support no matter the distance between us. You see LTR/LTT to me is more than just a blog where I can shoot the shiz or laugh at the 2nd-hand embarrassment that happens. That day I knew that this blog brought people together and the people that this blog has connected and help build bonds with are wonderful individuals and I can see these people being in my life for a very long time. I know I totes sound like a hallmark card, so cliche and cheesy, but I just want to give you an idea of how amazeballs the LTR/LTT peeps are!

Follow the cut to read the rest of Krazy Kidd’s letter
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