What’s taking Breaking Dawn so long?

Dear Eclipse,

We’re almost at 5 months to the DAY of when Eclipse will be released and we’ve seen nothing but a wide angle picture of a meadow scene. More than 6 months before New Moon came out we had a trailer. Then soon after we had ABS! And JORTS! I’m kinda losing my patience here. What will be the catch phrases of Eclipse? Will we be treated to another 122 minutes off cut off blue denim’s finest? Or will you raise the fashion bar a bit and give us cut off black sweatpants, like Stephenie Meyers originally wrote? All I know is that I should be focused on you and your impending release in 154 days (see, I shouldn’t have had to look that up- I should have KNOWN that number off the top of my head) but I’m not. I’m barely even worried because we have bigger issues to be occupying our minds: Breaking Dawn

Dear Breaking Dawn,

What.The.Freak? I mean, I get waiting until the new year to make some sort of announcement. New Moon’s release was crazy- the numbers were outstanding- then the holidays and hit and Avatar made New Moon’s earnings look like pocket change- but all that is in the past. IT’S JANUARY TWENTY FIFTH. What the H is going on? All we know is what Moon shared with us a few weeks back. Which, to recap, was nothing. It’s all so blurry in my mind I can’t even remember- have we even had CONFIRMATION from you yet that you’re actually going to be made into a feature film? I know the stars are confirming it when they’re asked in interviews, but come on- who believes them? They think everyone lives in a sunny place where catering trucks sell sushi that won’t immediately send you to the emergency room writhing with stomach pain and every day folks can spell “Louboutin” (had to look that one up too). I need the 411 stat (of COURSE this twitter account exists: @BreakingDawn411– that’s like looking for a Robsten video set to “I’ll Make Love to you” Obviousssss!)

You’re really forcing the wheels in my brain to turn and turn… and figure out for myself why we haven’t heard any news yet. Here is what I’ve come up with:

1. Issues with Stephenie Meyer.

Pancho: Also, babe- write me a love scene with this blonde

And I’m talking something bigger than “Should it be one or two movies?” Cuz that’s easy- flip a gosh darn coin. Problem solved. No, no. I’m thinking if there are issues with Stephenie they are critical. Maybe this time she’s not happy with just a cameo role as a patron in the diner. Maybe she heard the outcry of 40-43% of Twilight fans 10 months ago and said, “Yeah- I agree. I want to recast Bella too. Let’s cast ME” and won’t sign off on the movie until they meet her demands.

Or perhaps there’s an issue within her marriage that’s she’s trying to fix. Maybe Pancho, her husband, finally tired of his wife always being in the spotlight and the focus never being on him, woke up one morning and demanded, “Steph- why does EVERY member of our family have a character named after them, but I do not?” And she gasped, red-faced, “You’re right. I must show the world that I DO love you by re-writing the series with YOUR name as the main character.” So she’s been busy writing about Bella and Pancho. And of course that changes the location of the story, as someone named Pancho would clearly never live in Forks. Instead, Bella and Pancho meet in a heavily wooded area outside of Guadalajara. Pancho has a point. We never think about him. He’s never gotten his own letter. He’s Mexican right? (His name IS Pancho). We did a whole bit about a mexican Twilight character- Tequila Tomas. We didn’t even think of Steph’s poor hubby. Why didn’t Patrón Pancho come to mind? Poor guy….

Find out what else is holding up Breaking Dawn after the jump!

2. Issues with negations with the cast

I want out of this wig and into those shades

This is a big one and seems most probable to be causing the delay. The cast has clout now. They can basically name their terms. From what we heard, at the beginning they only signed up for three movies. That means each cast member gets to renegotiate their contracts for the forth. I bet when Taylor found that out he sent his agent and lawyer down to Summit’s offices demanding he be recast as Edward. Of course Summit laughed when they told Rob over tea and biscuits hot pockets and beer in London. Imagine their surprise (and Stephenie Ritz’ dismay) when Rob said, “I’d consider that. Could I get a buy-out similar to Conan’s?”

But think of all the other actors involved in making the Twilight saga. I mean, there’s Jackson aka “I’ve given up my acting career for a life of hotel floors, 15 passenger vans and not showering for 6 days straight” Rathbone. Don’t you think he’s trying pretty damn hard to get the 100 Monkeys cast as “that coven of vampire musicians from Los Angeles?” Plus demanding a story line written in where he gets some mysterious form of vampire cancer and undergoes chemotherapy and loses all his hair. That way, they can’t possibly mess up his wig this time. And Kellan’s lawyer has been trying up the phone lines at Summit negotiating HARD for him to have at least one line that makes him appear to have an IQ above 4. Or for him to end up as the father of Renesmee- PLOT TWIST! It’s cool either way.

(It's okay. I swallowed a little throw-up when I first saw this too)

And you KNOW there’s some low-level marketing employee at Summit who is being paraded all over the office for coming up with the “Pregnancy Campaign.” Just last week Kristen read a draft of her contract which had the following written under the PROMOTIONAL TOUR section:

Actor will agree to wear a prosthetic stomach throughout the entire Hot Topic Mall Tour. Actor will feign back pain, make jokes about how cute elastic-waistband jeans look with the latest “I don’t give a shit- I found this shirt in the back of a storage closet at the thrift store” t-shirt and always, at all times, be sipping red liquid through a straw out of a styrofoam cup.

Kristen about had a heart attack, that is until she saw the latest draft of her contract which said:

Actor will actually conceive a child with co-star. Remember what “Robsten” did for Twilight’s success? Imagine what a “Robsten love child” will do for Breaking Dawn. That child will ensure Breaking Dawn will surpass Avatar’s box office numbers”

The low-level marketing employee is getting a raise. Kristen is contemplating suicide.

And last but not least

3. James Cameron can create an entire, believable magical universe where people want to live so badly that they are actually being treated for depression once they come to realization that it doesn’t actually exist, yet he hasn’t yet figured out how to make a believable CGI-Renesmee

I hear you. Making movies is hard work. But that’s why you do it and I just make fun of it. So do it. NOW. So i can make fun of it stat.

Love but not patient,
UnintendedChoice

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