Moons friend is a Twilight comment whore, but not the way you think

*When my friend told me he skims our posts but reads our comments religiously every day I knew he had to write a letter to you all. And after much (read: me asking) convincing he has written a little love letter to you all so without further adieu I present to you my friend and fellow “Little People, Big World” lover…*

I'm pretty sure he would never be caught dead in this shirt

Dear Twi-Hards,

Let me write a quick introduction: I’m a dude. I’m straight. If my brothers knew that I was writing an entry for a blog called Letters to Twilight, they would kick my ass, assuming they know what Twilight is.

I’ve read the first book, and get the general gist of the rest of the series (girl meets vampire, falls for him, vampire leaves for some reason, nice guy werewolf tries to pick of the pieces, something about a Vampire Senate, vampire C-section, werewolf trying to fuck a baby, ecetera ecetera).

And let me be very clear about this: my involvement with the Twilight series began as something entirely mercenary. I had an outside shot at working for someone involved with the Twilight franchise (Twi-chise? Twi-fran? Team Franchise?) so that’s why I read the book and watched the first flick (in the theaters, no less!).

Now, I don’t like Twilight. At it’s best, it reads like well-crafted Buffy fan-fiction, and at it’s worst, it reads like an abstinent goth teenager ate a bad piece of soy-based pizza and watched that Ann Rice vampire movie with Brad Pitt.

The main character is bland, and has no redeeming qualities other than smelling nice or something. And she’s pretty? It’s saying a lot that I can’t remember anything about her other than those two facts.

Edward is basically a really good-looking vampire version of that guy that used to give you a lot of mixtapes, even after he told you that he just wanted to be friends. If Bella had any sense, she’d just make Edward do her homework and help her pick outfits for the shooting guard of Fork’s basketball team. Maybe one time she could get really drunk and let him feel her up, but then she’d have to hear about how it was the greatest night of his life for the next year and a half.

Jacob is a puppy dog (GET IT?!) sort of doofy dude who would probably end up being really cool in college and then marrying someone who’s probably too good-looking for him, but he’d be too dumb to be self conscious about it. I actually kind of like the guy, which makes the part at the end about him wanting to bang an infant all the more terrible.

Oh the power of the comments... just a click away from infamy or stupidity

But, all this being said, I am fucking addicted to reading this blog. Like, to the point of absurdity. It’s the first thing I read at work, which I’m sure would be enough to allow me to be castrated in Uganda (topical joke!).

BUT THAT’S NOT EVEN THE WORST PART! The worst part is that every work day, about a half hour it’s quitting time, I refresh the blog entry and start on the comments.

Oh, the comments. That’s what keeps me coming back, ladies. You have no idea. I start, and I go until my little heart can’t take any more. They’re like my own personal version of low-grade methamphetamine’s, except that they’re distributed by WordPress and not biker gangs.

Follow the cut to read the rest of his crazy fascination with your lovely commenters!

It's a gateway drug...

Sometimes I see Moon and have to remind myself that maybe she doesn’t want to talk about her blog comments all day, and that she is a human being with feelings and opinions on things other than Twilight and it’s related ephemera. My brain has a mental countdown that tells me when it’s been long enough that I can bring them up. (In case you’re wondering, it is more than ten minutes, but less than half an hour. Also, I refuse to interrupt another conversation to talk about blog comments. I have standards, people.)

But all (some) joking aside, I am enthralled by them. Why do you care so much? How can you care so much and still be literate? Why can (most of you) you recognize that it’s poorly written, but still have such a deep affection for it? What don’t I understand about this?

World peace and solving gender issues is just 4 books away...

I really feel like if I could understand why women (and one gay dude) love this so much, I could be able to solve all gender-related arguments, and create a social utopia in which no one is from either Mars nor Venus. Somewhere buried deep within the subconscious of the voracious Twilight reader lies the key to true understanding of the fairer sex.

Tell me what it is, internet commenters! Also, if you could not tell my brothers about this blog entry, that would be great.

(I feel like I should name myself after something clever in the books, but I don’t really remember anything I liked in the books. Oh wait! I can call myself–)

The Font.

OHHH The Font what can we tell you? Can we answer the age old question why do we love these books so much? Are there any other lurkers who love the comments as much as The Font? Why are they better than what we have to say? 🙂 And don’t forget to give The Font some major props for writing you a hilarious letter… XO Moon

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

333 Responses

  1. I started reading it because I wanted to be “down with the kids”, and I needed some light summer reading. Oh, and that Rob guy was pretty cute.

    I came for the cute guy* and summer fun.

    I stayed for the fan fiction.

    Yup, I went there.

    Dear The Font,
    Do not read Twilight Fan Fiction.
    Love, Zees

    • I firmly believe that Breaking Dawn is pretty much just Twilight fan fiction.

      • And it’s not even the good fan fiction with all the detailed, steamy sex scenes.

        It’s the “T” rated stuff that no one really wants to read!

    • Noooo! The Font SHOULD read some good, steamy fanfiction. I wish I could get my bf to read it…. If only for the tips. And by “tips” I do not mean “just the tip”.

    • Zees,

      The Font, and every man, could learn some good technique from selected FF.

      And sage advice on purchasing underwear for laydees.

      As well as proof that a way to a girls power panties is through her mental image of BB overlaying the actual guy’s head.

      I tried to think of a * but I haven’t had coffee yet.
      That was a good one though, # #

      Cledbo

  2. Wow, everyone’s writing novels today–I haven’t gotten through half of them and it’s not even noon where I am. Must. Do. Some. Real. Work.

    Font, just think of Twilight as porn for women. Just like the cheesy, trite porno that turns men on but has no basis in what real people look like in the nude or what old married people do in bed, it’s the fantasy that appeals to the reptile-brain. It baffles women that men can be so interested in that stuff, and likewise for men with Twilight or any other fantasy-world romance.

  3. Geez, close to 200 comments mid-day! After reading the post and skimming the comments, here’s my 2 cents:

    The Font – Your assessment of the book/movie is pretty on target. And despite what we all say here trying to justify why we care so much the truth is that the obsession level with all things Twi completely defies logic. End of story.

    PS – Jordan Catalano was cooler than Edward. But unreturned affection sours. So Edward wins there.

  4. The Font – excellent love letter! You are welcome to write letters and/or comments to us anytime!

  5. “The Font”

    Welcome out of lurkdom. I complete adore your interest in this blog! I lurk here, comment occasionalyy, and laugh all the time!

    I don’t believe your answer to the Mars/Venus Battle of the Sexes Utopia can be found within the books, movies or that Robert guy (herein referred to as the “Holy Trinity”)

    If you really want an answer, do not look to us, the females and one gay guy, who love the “Holy Trinity”. You need to run to your own kind, the Males who is involved with us, the husbands, boyfriends, and friends with benefits. Therein lies the secret to the true “Sexual Utopia”.

    See, here is the thing… it doesn’t really matter that we love the “Holy Trinity”. What matters are the reactions within us that are conjured because of the “The Holy Trinity”.

    If the males involved with us can simply sit back, relax, let us have our fun and not balk at it all… they can achieve “Sexual Utopia” within their lives.

    My husband has FINALLY realized this. When he first realized my “interest” in the “Holy Trinity” he balked at it. Insecurity.. I know… He could not see the benefits he had been reaping because of the “Holy Trinity”… until the benefits began to diminish. (Age of electronics you know, who needs a guy when you’ve got a hobo* See RAoR for more)

    After a heart to heart with my husband, he agreed to try it my way. I continued with my interest in the “Holy Trinity” and he walks around with a smile on his face all the time. We both win.

    Perhaps your efforts would be more effective not polling us, but rather going to your own kind, and supporting them in their never ending struggle. We don’t need them to be Edward… we only wish to share with them all of the benefits the “Holy Trinity” has to offer.

    That’s my take on it anyway 🙂

  6. “Why do you care so much? How can you care so much and still be literate? Why can (most of you) you recognize that it’s poorly written, but still have such a deep affection for it? What don’t I understand about this?”

    When you find the answer to this, could you please share it with me? I have NO idea what makes these books so appealing to me. (Ok, BD not so much.. ) I think as the town’s only cop Charlie should have known to take out a restraining order against Edward, I think Bella is annoying, and I only kinda like Jacob. But mostly I just feel bad for him. And don’t even get me started on vampire virtue, c-sections, imprinting, and remote island honeymoons.

    In all seriousness, if it weren’t for LTT/LTR I’m sure I would have lost interest a long time ago. But Moon and UC are too hilarious not to read every day, and some of the commenters and people in the forum are the best, funniest, most supportive people I have never met and when I don’t get the chance to come here and play with them, I miss them. This blog could be about Robocop or Highlander or something and so long as the same people were involved I’d still come back every day.

  7. Yo Font(arelli),
    I long ago gave up trying to explain this shizz to other people (and myself). But after a Twi-binge and subsequent guiltiness, coming to LTT is like Milk Thistle or deep breathing (or a high colonic?) Anyway, it’s cleansing.

    And it occupies chunks of time that would otherwise be filled with working.

  8. Dear The Font,
    Let’s makeout.
    hearts,
    Calli

  9. Dear Font,

    No time to read all comments – must go to RL, sorry if this has already been said.

    Wanting to solve all the problems between the sexes, awww, so sweet.

    Wanting to be the only guy to bust in on comments written by smart, sophisticated, witty, beautiful women all lusting over guys they can’t have – sheer genius.

    BTW- As I posted yesterday, everyone gets it wrong, Twilight is actually a story all about the (….words fail me, insert your own adj., BUT KEEP IT NICE, I can get a little defensive on this topic) Jacob Black, with some hot vampires, humans and other wolves thrown in for nice background.

    It’s all about choice.
    And breaking it all down (ourselves included).
    Did I mention the hot guys?

    PS. Having real life people run around portraying said hot fictional people is such an added bonus.

  10. The Font,

    Why do I love Twilight? Not sure. I just do.
    Why do I love french fries dipped in chocolate milkshake? Not sure. I just do.
    Why did I have four children? Not sure. Oh wait, the birth control did not work, (twice).

    There are just some things that just are and it does not matter why, but that we accept them and embrace them.

    BTW, I love that you have the ‘nads enough to write this letter!

    Love,
    3hboyshouse

  11. The Infinite Universe created Twilight (through its vessel, SMeyer), so we get to witness Breaking It Down Vanity Fair Style with UC and Moon.

    I liken my inability to stop thinking about Twilight with my partner’s reverence for movies like Eight Legged Freaks, Fright Night and Death Race 3000.

    Or the way that, as a 15-18 year old girl, I spent most Friday nights at the cinema, in full costume, watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show (complete with call-backs).

    We all do stuff we don’t understand sometimes, because it makes us happy.

    • I did Rocky Horror too. Sometimes dressed, sometimes half naked? Depending on the night. LOL
      with a troupe that performed every weekend, I used to help out with “security” at the door. patting down the fellas for contraband items.

      • I was only ever a Transylvanian.
        There was no way I was a match for the troupe at our cinema. Also, the Columbia costume was about 6 sizes too big for me.

        Sciiiiiience Fictionnnnn Double Featuuuuure

  12. i think the font is totally out of lurkerdom after today
    he’s gonna be itching to be first comment every day!

  13. The Font-

    I’m sad that I didn’t read LTT earlier today! LTR is the first thing I do every morning but I don’t always check in at LTT, so I hope you will grace us with your presence over at LTR. Don’t just lurk, comment!

    Your insights into Twilight were hilarious-I hope you’ll be back now that you’ve outed yourself.

  14. Woo! Loved that letter, The Font! It’ll be our little secret…just you, me, these silly books….and the thousands of us who follow and comment on this blog, written by two lovely, intelligent Twi fans!

    Ok, so here’s my two cents’ worth on the “secret:”
    -first, Stephy knows how to tell a story. Sure, she’s really verbose and not a professional writer, per se, but hell, it’s high school, first love, trying to fit in – all that crap that most of the world remembers vividly. It’s a theme that resonates.
    – I think a LOT of us still romanticize romance. We still hope that true love exists – the kind that rocks your world when it happens to you. Even if we’re married to great guys who don’t remember to put down the toilet seat or clean up after themselves, we still WANT to believe in that kind of romance. Call us unrealistic if you will, but whatever. Don’t shit on our dreams! Maybe some day he’ll turn to us and tell us, “You are my life now.” Or not.
    – this is FICTION – it’s not real. And these days, who couldn’t use a temporary escape from reality? Mortgages, bills, job stress, relationship problems, diets, economic woes, road rage…this is not the stuff of romance novels. Don’t know about you, but I’ll take emo vampires, silly accident-prone girls and Volvos any day.
    Word.
    🙂

  15. I think the reason why we’re so hooked on it is the idea of perfection. The “ideal”, all-encompassing notion of true love and the perfect man. EVERY woman wants it. EVERY woman fantasizes about it. Women tread the waters most of their lives looking for that perfect someone who CAN’T read their minds yet finds a way to UNDERSTAND them.. to please them.. to give them what they want, and need.

    Then there is the bestfriend… who represents THE CLOSEST thing women can get to having the perfect man. The choice, in reality, would be to SETTLE for what we can get. Perfection is unachievable, what more the perfect man.

    These books let us all live vicariously through an ordinary person who happened to get LUCKY.

  16. […] do you think? Am I crazy? Feel the same? Self-conscious cause you know The Font is gonna read your […]

  17. Well that letter just made my day! I actually laughed out loud (which I usually do when reading LTR/LTT, but I don’t usually spit my diet coke on my keyboard like I just did).
    I’m sure this has been said above, but frankly I don’t have time to read all 300 comments so I’ll just say what I’m sure has already been said.

    First of All, I’d like The Font to have his own regular column on LTT/LTR because that was hilarious. And why was it hilarious? Because it is what so many of us think all of the time. I’m a grown ass woman with FOUR kids, 2 degrees, and a 15 year marriage under my belt thus far. And I start my day, every day, reading LTT and LTR (and Robsessed). Why is that? In my own Twilosophical moments I have come up with the fact that I like the Twilight books because they remind me of being young and in the throes of that FIRST LOVE. The feeling like you can’t be without them, the devestation when they actually invariably leave, the best friend who wants more but you can never give it to them. Much of these things are universal. And some of us have gotten old enough to actually reminisce about that time. We forget the bad parts and remember THAT feeling. They were good times, whether they were actually or not. So, I like the books because they remind me of who I used to be.
    Now, as a 37 year old woman I can say that I like the books because life is not like that anymore! It’s better in SO MANY ways – but that first love feeling is gone forever – replaced by a deep and abiding love in marriage – but the butterflies are hard to come by when you wash his underpants and pick up his socks from the floor. And my husband isn’t calling me “love” all of the time…he’s calling me to remind me to get to the grocery store or to pick up his shirts. See? Right now I am supposed to be cleaning out my closet because I’m getting new carpet next week. But where am I? Exactly. This is way more fun than Real Life – and that may be the key right there…..

    As far as the movies go, Twilight sucked – but I loved it. And New Moon was so much better and I loved it too. But each one of us regulars on LTT/LTR have a healthy sense of humor where we can laugh at ourselves and this franchise that we love so much. And of course, Rob Pattinson. Well – call me a cougar if you must – but I’ll read anything that has regular pictures of him doing photoshopped funny things. 🙂

  18. Hey Font,
    You might appreciate this- last November, while walking through Target looking for something to read during my upcoming campng trip, I saw a sparkley silver title written in an elegantly sublime FONT, too intriguing to pass by (I am a graphic designer). I thought to myself, “hmmm, I ‘ll take this one, see what all the hype was about…
    yada yada yada
    I was hooked before Bella even saw the damn truck.

    Now here I am, a newbie just coming out of the Twi-closet.

    The romance is such a bonus, but these books just speak to my innner goth (rain, brunettes, wolves, forests and the vamps are just the icing on the cake). I wasn’t a Bella in high school, I was Alice (the odd little art girl). It just got so easy to get sucked into a story that glorifies the “outsiders”.

  19. […] The whole phenom is stunning and befuddling to most guys. Straight guys. Well, even most gay guys, probably. Thankfully, the amazing fan blog Letters To Twilight has provided, as a public service, one average guy’s letter pleading for an explanation. […]

  20. […] convo with male friend (aka geoff, aka the font – a male contributor on ltt): him:  uh, that is foreplay dawg. that is like second base on […]

  21. The Font is amazing. how old are you? can we get married? haha!

    i have just discovered this blog, and i already love it!
    everyone’s so witty it makes me feel retarded or something…
    this is my first comment on an LTT post, and it will hopefully not be my last.
    i just need to like… freshen up my witty comments somehow… 😐

    p.s.
    i dont like how seemingly anonymous this all is 😛 i want to see what you people look like and crap. if it tells about everyone somewhere please, direct me there!

    Ashley (less-anonymous, you guys now know my name)

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