Here to provide advice to the Twilight cast members about the upcoming awards season, CalliopeBlabs
Dear Twilight Saga Cast Members,
There’s always something sad about the end of the holidays. There’s this period of mourning when the holiday decorations start to come down, the leftovers make their way into the trashcan, and you discover that last piece of glitter hiding in that unmentionable place and hope its from when you dropped the container while making ornaments for charity and not from that midnight encounter in the back of the crowded bar while you were engaged in… questionable shenanigans during the ball dropping. Yes, the end of the holidays is harsh. Sad. Depressing. I can only imagine how much this is affecting all of you… as I envision the holidays (and the time off) were especially dear to you this year. Especially you Stew, I know how you love Christmas so (#HolidayStewLivesOn).
But you see, the gods of Hollywood knew that the end of the Holiday season could prove detrimental to the well being of the faces of their industry. This is why, they invented… drum roll please… AWARDS SEASON. What better way to get the fabulous hunks of Hollywood to hop into a tanning booth to shed themselves of the pallid tone they’d acquired while secluded in the mountain ski resorts across the world. How else to insure that the starlets would do everything in their power to shed the ghastly 1 pound they put on while actually EATING over the holidays? Why… COMPETITION of course! NUMEROUS, LIVE, OVERLY DOCUMENTED, COMPETITIONS!!! And the competition isn’t even what makes awards season fabulous… no, no… it’s the horrible fashion faux pas, The embarrassing speeches, The scandalous dates, The hopeful catfights, The after party gossip,… all these things whose mere mention make me more excited than a teen wolf who imprints on someone his own age!
Now, though New Moon may not have been the most critically acclaimed movie this past year, it sure as hell did put a good dent in the Box office numbers for 2009… and that alone should allow you, dear TSCMs (aka Twilight Saga cast members… I’m in the mood for acronyms today), some good leeway in earning your way into the swag-bag pre-parties, The sizzling, boozefest afterparties, and, of course, the events themselves. Between the PCAs, CCAs, GGs, SAGs, BAFTAs, Grammys and of course the Oscars… there are a lot of Hollywood bigwig asses to be kissed there is a lot to know! I won’t bore you with my winner predictions or tease you with who I think will be best dressed on this year’s carpets (hint: it’s not you Ashley Greene) instead, I’d like to present you with a guide of sorts to all things awards… so that you understand where to go, what to wear , and who to bang who to approach to further your career.
The PCAs (The People’s Choice Awards)
Aka the ones where you only the winners have to show up
These awards, dear TSCMs, are voted on by the people… you know… people like me. Or you. That’s right. I’m calling you out ROB and KRISTEN. I know what you’re thinking readers… “Rob and Kristen didn’t win”… and nope… they sure didn’t. And you know why? Because since they’d wrapped promotion on New Moon, those two had been sitting around, feeding each other In-N-Out, sipping Heinekens, and voting for other people. And you thought the only thing they knew how to do sneakily was each other… HAH! Know why the whole BritPack was on Isle of Wright for New Years? It wasn’t because they wanted company… no, no… it was because Rob and Kristen, in a last ditch effort, had practically set up a command central where everyone focused on voting for other people in their categories. This is how serious they were about NOT showing up to another awards show. I fear for MTVMAs… I do.
The CCAs (The Critic’s Choice Awards)
Aka the ones you most definitely should stay clear of
For some reason or another, the Critics HATE you guys. Well… most of you. Stewie, Sheen and Fanning… you guys would sorta be in the clear to go to this… as long as you do not mention the Saga AT ALL. Like, when a reporter asks if you are excited about Eclipse you simply look at them, dumbfounded, and say “you must have me mistaken with someone else… I’m Listen Hewart” and then run off. Like RUN. And Rob, for the love of the hot pocket, you are NOT to go near this event. In fact, I think you’d be well advised to bunker down in the UK for a good 2 days pre and post event just to be safe. They would spot you coming and literally EAT YOU ALIVE. Furthermore, it’s on VH1… if that doesn’t scream waste of your time… I don’t know what does.
Calliope REALLY educates the cast after the jump!
The Grammys (The Grammys)
Aka musicians hate feeling left out and need to prove you don’t have to dress well to be able to perform
Ashley Greene… this one has you written ALLL OVER IT. Girlfriend, you can go and find you a man… or two… or three. Just show up in one of your normal Red Carpet getups… you’ll look 10x better than anyone else… and wait for them to come to you. Maybe hire someone to walk
around behind you with those Sobe ads you just shot. If you can’t get there on your own merit, tag along with one of those Followill brothers… Tit for Tat right? You bring him to your gig, he brings you to his right? Then start making your rounds…. Cuz you’ve only just begun to flex your muscles. As for the rest of you? Don’t try and show up. You’ve all gone on too much about your love of music and playing music that if you DO show up to this, it’s just gonna look like a first-ditch effort to crossover. And Taylor, for the love of the meatpatties, do not… I REPEAT… DO NOT… show up and try to win back Taylor Swift. She’s moved on. She’s accepted your love of the dude. So should you.
THE SAGs (Screen Actors Guild Awards)
Aka the ones where you realize you shouldn’t have slept with half of Hollywood
Nikki… I’d stay clear of this one. You know why. They know why. We ALL know why. In fact, if I were you I’d stay clear of the entire awards circuit… nay… the entire Hollywood scene. Hell, if I were you, I’d drop out completely from the saga, move to Crete, and commence life as one of those people who sells tackle on the coast… but, that’s neither here nor there. Kellan I’ve got this hankering you want to go to this one… and my advice would be to call up Anna. And beg. She’ll be at everyone of these shows for the most part. As for the rest of you… go to the Swag events, maybe the after parties. Maybe. However, wolf pack… do not… I repeat… do NOT show up for this stuff. No particular reason… just don’t.
The GGs (The Golden Globes)
Aka the one that makes you feel fat because you can’t squeeze between the chairs
Taylor… I know you are presenting… but I dearly hope you bring Thor along and not PappaLautner. Why you ask? Have you ever SEEN someone try to maneuver around those tables? Lindsay on her latest binge couldn’t squeeze through… I’d hate to know what sort of damage this would do to poor PappaLautner. Anna, be sure to smile big when you win and maybe give a little shout out to Christian Serratos… prove that you can be a human in the Twilight Saga and get attention without showing the goods for PETA in a blatant cry for attention. The rest of you… go to the after parites and get wasted. Have sex. Be crazy. The GGs are meant for that.
P.S. Taylor, if you show up to this one again with Kellan… I’m gonna start questioning things… both impeccably manscaped, both devilishly muscular, both a little too into fashion, both gazing longingly across isles at eachother… maybe there’s a reason Swiftner never worked it’s way past dinner and Mcolutz never moved further than grotesque, overdone public petting. Just Saying.
The BAFTAs (The British Acadamy of Film and Telivison Arts)
AKA the ones where Britain wants in on the action too
The only ones of you who should be contemplating going to this are those of you who are British or dating a Brit (no Ashley banging one of your Brit castmates does not constitute as dating a Brit) or extremely pale like the Brits (sorry TayTay). Of course, if you are nominated it’s also a good reason to show up (go Stewie!). Why you wonder? These people are British… they drink TEA in the middle of the day. They are SERIOUS. They wear TWEED. They go to COLD PLACES on Holiday. You do not just pop in here if you aren’t familiar with their British ways. Just ask Kristen… she’s been going through the BritPack initiation process since back in August. If you aren’t British and show up to the BAFTAs without a reason, well… dammit… you might as well spit in the queens face. You can blame Miley for the British disdain for Americans in unwelcomed British situations. I do. In fact, when in doubt, I always blame Miley.
The Oscars (The Academy Awards)
Aka the ones that are impossible to get into… unless you can get them ratings
True we’ve yet to hear official noms for the Oscars, but I’m gonna go for the safe bet and say… we don’t see any acting nods for New Moon.* Shocker I know. But… lucky for all of you, ratings are shit and I’m pretty sure the Academy would do anything for some of you to show. So besides Anna Kendrick, who clearly deserves a nom for best supporting actress (seriously… she kicked ass in Up In the Air), I’m advising that Rob, Kristen, and Dakota, should be the only ones of you to attempt to infiltrate the Oscars. I’m even a little wary of you going Rob… considering your inability to keep your giggly “I’m at the Oscars” face under control while you sat behind Rourke last year. Don’t deny it. We ALL saw it.
*There is always the slight chance that we see a best supporting actor nod for Graham Greene aka Harry Clearwater as his delivery of the line “my kung fu is strong” was perhaps one of the most poignant lines I’ve heard all movie season… I mean, as it stands, if someone whose Kung Fu
was so strong could fall in the face of evil, what hope, really, is there for the rest of us. Clearly… an epic foreshadowing of why such doom and gloom will surround Eclipse.
So there you have it TSCMs. These are my suggestions of places that would be acceptable for you to go during awards season. Heed my advice or don’t heed my advice… the decision is yours. But one things for certain, take full advantage of the fact that you are all HOT right now. It won’t last long. Just ask Lindsay.
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Filed under: Ashley Greene, Christian Serratos, Dakota Fanning, Fan Letters, Kellan, Kristen, LTT, Nikki Reed, Rob Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Taylors Dad, Twilight Tagged: | Anna Kendrick, Ashley Greene, awards season, BAFTA, CalliopeBlabs, dakota fanning, fan letter, Golden Globes, kellan lutz, Kristen Stewart, New Moon, People's Choice Awards, Robert Pattinson, SAG awards, Taylor Lautner, The Grammys, The oscars, The twilight cast, the twilight saga, Twilight