We wish you a Cullen Christmas

Dear LTTers,

Merry Christmas Eve! If you don’t celebrate Christmas, merry time of year when everyone says “Merry Christmas” to you and you look at them and say, “But I don’t celebrate Christmas” and they stare back at you, not understanding, in a santa hat!

Moon and I have objected ourselves to 2nd-hand embarrassment, yet again, to wish you a very Merry Christmas.


UC & Moon

After the jump, read all the wonderful lyrics penned by @Brookelockart, Moon & myself. Print them out and have a family sing-a-long around the dinner table tomorrow!

We wish you a Cullen Christmas

We wish you lived in Forks, Washington;
We wish you lived in Forks, Washington;
We wish you lived in Forks, Washington cuz a lot of crap happens here

Bella & Edward

I won’t go until I get some
I won’t go until I get some
I won’t go until I get some so give it to me right now

Bella please respect my chastity vow
One day we will be MARRIED and I’ll impregnate you

Rose & Emmett

I wish for a little baby
I wish for a little baby
I wish for a little baby
That bitch deserves none

Dear Rosalie, my goddess beloved
We can’t have a little baby, but we’ll practice a ton

Charlie & Bella

I wish I could catch the bad bears
I wish I could catch the bad bears
I wish I could catch the bad bears
Our KungFu can’t stop them

Dad I’ve told you this once & i won’t say it again,
you have to be careful cuz they are NOT Bears

Harry’s wife is kinda hot
Harry’s wife is kinda hot
Harry’s wife is kinda hot
But his kungfu is strong

I went in the woods (to hear Edward’s voice),
they’re wolves! They’re NOT bears, no I didn’t hit the bong

Mike & Jessica

I wish she’d dump effing Cullen
I wish she’d dump effing Cullen
I wish she’d dump effing Cullen
Fuck! who threw that at me?

Mike is so cute, except for his backne
A BJ for christmas, the best present from me

Jasper & Alice
I wish to eat a human,
I wish to eat a human,
I wish to eat a human,
stupid moral vampires

Jasper my dear, you couldn’t mean that.
I just bought this designer outfit, does it make me look fat?

Jacob & Leah

Hey girls come and look at my abs
Hey girls come and look at my abs
Hey girls come and look at my abs
They look really great with my jorts

Jake you’re a schmuck for loving that girl.
Ew! did you just touch yourself, I think i may have to hurl

We Wish you a Cullen Christmas
We wish you a Cullen Christmas
We wish you a Cullen Christmas
Let’s Do This right now!

One Year later and our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

80 Responses

  1. I’m first??
    Well anhow Merry Chrismas to everyone!!!

    Lots of love and hugs,

  2. The lyrics cracked me up UC… Best chrismas lyrics ever!!

  3. Merry Xmas Eve…and thanks so much for putting “that” in my head where it will remain forever…ok..until tonight…still..my apologies to my family in advance….
    Hope everyone has the bestest holiday ever and if Santa is good…I’ll have Edward in my hands by morning..twss!!

    • If you start singing about giving a BJ for Christmas you HAVE to share that with us. Merry Christmas! HUUUUGS!

      • Oh JodieO..Merry Freaking Cullen..I mean Christmas! Sent you an email late last night…yeah awake again…thought it was Christmas eve LAST NIGHT and was patiently waiting for the sounds of reindeer as Santa FORCED..I mean HELPED..Edward down the chimney into my waiting arms, thus I remain as I am now so cramped up I will be spending the day stuck over my gas fireplace looking up into the chimney where unknown peices of shitz has been falling in my face throughout the night…lots of “splaining” to do this a.m. to hubs as he came in to deliver me coffee only to find me not on the couch but “stuck” over the fireplace..I mumbled something about hearing “noises” in the chimney…he didn’t buy it.
        Seriously, Merry Christmas!!!

      • HOLY CRAP…JUST “GOT” what BJ really meant!!!! Yes even slower than usual…lack of sleep I tell ya.. (seriously thought it was some kind of alchol) .OMELE..need to replace that and the “F” word… UC/MOON/LTT YOU get me in sooooo much trouble….
        Thanks JodieO…I owe ya again…..I already printed it out and would have been VERY embarrassed that EVERYONE but ME would have known..and Gawd forbid Maxie learned it….Imma thinkin…(as I rip up the paper) “Oh Holy Night” might be much safer….but not nearly as much fun!!!

    • But if Santa is bad you’ll have him between your legs 😉

  4. Oh feck me, I almost wet myself reading those lyrics!!!! Gosh Brooke, effin hilar!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Well less than an hour here til Christmas for me. So MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Have a fab Christmas Eve, all! xox

    • Jayde I highly suggest you break down and invest in an emergency package of Depends for just such occasions as this…Moon/UC have really been “bringin it” lately/always and I got tired of the cleanup…just a thought…also have switched to travel/spill proof coffee mugs….really cut down on washing machine use…happy holidays!!!

  5. They’re NOT bears!

  6. The brilliantest Christmas song 2nd hand embarrassment ever! Congrats on the lovely carol singing skills. You should get out into the streets in Santa hats singing this, I betcha you’d collect a lot of money, and maybe a few little bottles too.

  7. How many little bottles were consumed in the making of this masterpiece? You are shameless, & have grown into your cojones…

  8. That was amazing! The lyrics, the voices, the pictures, just fabulous. And, not one, but two pictures of Charlie? You’ve made this fangirl happy. I’m going to be singing “cuz they are not bears” all day now. Thank you, UC & Moon, for your contribution to my family’s thinking that I’m insane.

    Have a lovely holiday, everyone!

  9. LOL, very cute.

  10. you guys are amazeballs. and no, i didn’t hit the bong either. love you all ~ Merry Christmas!

  11. That was too munch for me this early in the morning. I’m still a little too sleepy to appreciate the fabulousness that you guys created.

    Merry Christmas guys!!

  12. Holey crap! Whahahaha. Srsly that was amazing. Thank you for this magical piece of 2nd hand embarrassment! AmanDUH is sending out a youtube friend request and is opening the gates of her online hale for you right now. Loved how certain words were stressed in a way true to the movie. You make Kristen proud.

  13. “Let’s Do This right now!”

    Wow…. Simply amazing!

    So bring me some wolfie muffins
    So bring me some wolfie muffins
    So bring me some wolfie muffins
    That block out the sun.

    Good furry new friends who only wear jorts
    We love to hang out at bonfires and dream of slaughtering vampires.


    Seriously UC, was it not enough that I spent the entire day yesterday making up sucky lyrics like this to “Robbie Baby”. Now it’s going to be this. By the time my day is over Billy Blacks wheel chair will be an effing sleigh being drawn by wolves wearing fake antlers. Thanks a lot for considering the OCD population. Ugh! Still luv ya!

    Merrry Christmas Everybody!!!!

    Feliz Navidad!!!

  14. A BJ for Christmas, what more could you want??!
    Merry Christmas everyone. x

  15. Moon and UC you two give so much. And for that I thank you xx hugs.

  16. EPIC WIN!!!!!!!!!

    Thanks UC and Moon for all the laughs and great conversation. HAve a Merry Christmas!!!

  17. I’m so going to miss y’all while I am away a few weeks. Moving this Christmas back to NASHVILLE (UC, I’ll send you some coconut muffins from Calypso) so I will be out.

    I will be singing this song all weekend! Thanks!!

    And thinking about BJ’s.

  18. I’d just like to thank my work who graciously paid for me to pen these lyrics when I should have been doing, you know, real work.

    Brilliant Ladies.

    Merry Jewmas and Happy Christmas everyone!

    PS (I wrote about Jewmas on my Blog, click the linky on my name)


  19. This is priceless! Hilarious!

    Merry Christmas, everyone!

  20. That was great!!!

    “Jake you’re a schmuck for loving that girl.
    Ew! did you just touch yourself, I think i may have to hurl.”

    That was my favorite line.

    Happy Christmas Ladies!!

  21. i dont think i could get away with singing about bj’s at the table 2morrow, but well done girlie’s

  22. Thanks for the Cullen Christmas Smile!

    Merry Christmas Eve! Lots of happy little bottles, BCSes, and bags of meat to you all, and to all a good night.

  23. Amazing work, ladies!!!

    Merry Christmas Eve, everyone!!!

  24. Very good girlies…

    I penned this while stuck in traffic last night…

    Jingle “Bells” – a fanfic Christmas Song,

    Jingle “Bells”,
    Cullen Swells,
    They go all the way,
    Oh what fun it is to read a smutty one shot once a day.

    Yeah, that’s all I got.

    Merry Christmas.

    • Hahaha! This one hit close to home… I think I’m at way more than once a day for the smutty one-shots…

  25. That was amazing. Almost duh-mazing, but we couldn’t see your sexy dance moves, so obv. couldn’t be duh-mazing.

    I’m so happy you worked in they’re not bears! I love charlie.

    Happy chrimbo all. Let’s do this! (vampire volvo, away!)

    • You know TS, you got me thinking…

      Why the hale would a vampire need a crash safe car??! Really.

      Answer me that SM… Happy Mewy Kweithmas

      • I think he had it more for the the speed/performance than the volvo crash proof-ness of it. But i get car nerdy and then things get ugly.

      • Um, you’re both wrong – it’s to blend in DUH!! If it were a speed thing he’d have like a Bugatti Veyron or a Zonda or a (*everyone laugh at me while I try to spell this) Koenigseigg. It’s not like money’s an issue that’s for sure!

  26. Lol, “his kungfu is strong”

    You guys crack me up every single day.

    Merry X-mas!!! May you have a great one! ^^ 😀

  27. Holy hell… err…Hale. Your creativity is a goal I wish to achieve at some point in my life.

    Merry Christmas, ladies (and bobbygee)!!!!! I heart you all more than Rob. Ok… at least as much. ❤

  28. I am hanging my head in shame, LTT!
    For alas, I have not been around since the Holy Day of New Moon premiere.

    Can you please forgive me? I have been true, I have not strayed to another site, I have just been “away”.

    I have missed you all.

    Merry Christmas!!!

  29. Im going to consider that song as an early
    Christmas Present from my 2 fav ladies!!
    so i say Thank You,
    it was everything i didnt know i wanted!

    Merry Christmas Eve Everyone!!

  30. *pats the seat beside her in the Dolorean*
    muah muah!
    The cookie loves u all….

    • Hey, IWL! I have missed you guys!! And what a day to come back. Moonie and UC have broughten the heat today with the Cullen Christmas.

      I’ve been wondering, you gonna change your name
      after February?


      • *waves excitedly* Heya! Where have u been loca? Missed u too!!!

        Changing my name in Feb?…err….according to the panel of ahem..experts *coughpervemeisterscough* the things that innocent old me want to do with said wolf boy is still illegal in most states. I guess some states just dont like karaoke and guitar hero…sigh…(also I’m on a ban on all references to him…including shirtless pics for my own sanity lol)

        Anyhoo “legal wolf lover” seems so….normal and un-deviant dont u think? I just wouldnt be the same…Hope ure having an awesome christmas. sorry for the feature length reply muah!!!

        • Alas, would a rose by any other name smell as sweet?

          Have a happy christmas girly.

          I am passing to you Wolf pack shaped sugar cookies in honor of this day.


  31. Hey people…i know i’m off topic, but i was wondering if any of you could tell me where can i fan “i love LA” (the fanfic). please…i’ve been dying to read it but i can’t seem to find it anywhere

  32. Merry Christmas!

    Those are by far the best verses added to that song ever. I just might have to sing them tonight instead of the originals.

  33. “I wish to eat a human” made me laugh so hard that I started to cry! Thanks for making my day 😛

  34. Merry Christmas everyone!

    Hahaha I love love love the lyrics though, UC and Moon, you girls are all kinds of win at the moment (not that you aren’t all the time, but you seem to be especially so right now!)

  35. Merry Christmas Everyone!
    Hope you have a happy and safe holiday.

  36. Some normal people might raise an eyebrow of concern at your sanity after this, but to a real “normal” person like myself, this only makes you cooler.


    Thank you for continuing to bring the Cullen smiles. Merry Christmas!


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