Tonight on a very special “To Catch a Predator”…

Dear Taylor Lautner lovers, counting down the days until he turns 18 (56),

What would happen if you had the opportunity to meet up with Taylor Lautner? Sarah (comment name SEM) shared with us a story of one lucky woman who did just that or so she thought…Call it fan fiction; call it a work of art; call it so realistic it’s a bit disturbing; We just call it EPICNESS (and hope you don’t call Chris Hansen on us).

To Catch a Predator

I arrived at the nondescript little house around 4 p.m. As I pulled my generic automobile into the driveway, I noticed I was shaking a little. Did I have a sense of foreboding? Did I suspect what trouble lay around the bend? Was I just super-uber excited about getting to meet Taylor Lautner?

It’s hard to say. Sure, like any red-blooded woman I was thrilled about meeting the sexier half of Swiftner. But if I was being honest with myself, I did find it a little odd that I had met Taylor in a chat room a few weeks ago and was meeting him in person in what amounted to BFE, Middle America. It didn’t seem logical that Taylor would live anywhere near there, but I figured with his money he might have properties all over the place. And it did have its charms. It was the kind of small town you’d see in a typical 1950s filmstrip about wholesomeness.

But I didn’t feel wholesome. Who knows why. Maybe it was because I was meeting him for the first time at his home instead of in a public place. Maybe I was experiencing a sort of compulsory nervousness that accompanies all first dates. Or maybe it was the fact that the instant messages I had been sending the as-yet-underaged for the last 6 weeks had been categorically debauched. Whatever it was, I was uneasy.

My jitters caused me to drop my tote bag on the way to the door. I told myself to get a grip. He’s just another guy. He’s probably nervous too. I rapped lightly on the door. There was no answer. I knocked a little harder. Nothing. What, does he think I can just use some tree limbs like the uneven parallel bars and then ricochet off the side of his house directly into his bedroom? I’m fast, but I’m not that fast. Finally I heard a young man’s voice from inside the house.

“It’s open. Just come on in.”

Okay, he’s not even gonna come to the door. I know he’s underaged, but he’s old enough to know what bad manners that is…

I opened the door and slowly stepped across the threshold. I didn’t immediately observe anything out of the ordinary, though the décor was admittedly Spartan. Perhaps he had just recently moved in. Hanging in the hallway was a portrait of Taylor with what appeared to be a grandparent. He’s sentimental… That’s hott.

Looking for Taylor, I stepped into the kitchen. The plain pine cabinets, beige linoleum floor, and outdated appliances made the room appear dour despite the light color palette. In the center of the room was a plain pine island surrounded by wooden stools. Something about this house, especially this room, was familiar, but I couldn’t pinpoint where I might have seen it.

Just then he called out from a room farther back down the hallway: “I’m just gonna throw a load of towels into the washer. I’ll be right out.”

This isn’t right… Something is very wrong. Why hasn’t he come out to say hi? Why is he doing laundry when he should be doing me? Why did that picture of he and his grandmother look like someone cut out one of Taylor’s magazine covers and grafted it onto the picture that came with the frame?

At that moment he uttered the words that I immediately recognized as the harbingers of disaster:

“I made some sweet tea. Go ahead and pour yourself a glass. I’ll be right out.”

I realized instantly why the house was so familiar. About 3 things I was absolutely positive. First, I had not been corresponding with the real Taycob. Second, a part of my online conversations – and I didn’t know how large a part – were going to be exposed on network television. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably busted.

Uh oh. Who caught her? Read on after the jump!

"That dude is weird"

Right on cue, Dateline NBC’s Mr. Chris Hansen emerged from the doorway. Having seen the show before, I knew that fleeing the scene was not an option. Neither was using my shirt to try and shield my face from the camera crew that filed in after their host. I was scared shitless.

With his trademark smoothness, Mr. Hansen gestured toward one of the stools.

“Why don’t you have a seat. I’m Dateline N –“

“Yes, Sir, I know who you are,” I admitted sheepishly.

“Then you know why I’m here. So let’s talk about what you’re doing here.” He began sifting through a stack of papers and then cleared his throat dramatically. “ ‘I went to Wal-Mart and bought a washboard so that I can wash my thongs because I soiled them thinking about washing my soiled thongs on your washboard stomach.’ Besides being convoluted, that’s disgusting. Do you really think that’s appropriate talk to be using with a 17-year-old boy?”

I fidgeted with the straps of the tote bag in my lap and avoided eye contact.

“Um, no Sir, probably not.”

Mr. Hansen sneered at me and then plucked another page from his stack of printed-off instant messages.

“ ‘Sometimes I think about what it would be like if I were a woodland creature who just happened to be in leering range when you phased back to a human and if I would get to see your Alpha dong before you put your jorts back on.’ Miss, I don’t know what ‘jorts’ are, and I don’t think I want to.”

I could feel the blood scalding my cheeks. I wondered vaguely if Edward would find that appealing and then was jerked back to present time by the reading of yet another humiliating piece of evidence in my upcoming indictment.

“ I really don’t have to go on, but I don’t know that you appreciate the gravity of what you’ve done. Do you realize what you’ve been doing is a crime?”

“It’s my understanding that it’s legal in Georgia…Sir.”

“Are we in Georgia?”

“Not precisely.”

“Well, for your information, no, we’re not; so, yes, it is.”

“Maybe I did make some, er, vulgar comments, but it’s not like I was planning on having sex with him!”

“Is that so? 3:04 a.m., November 21, 2009, and I quote: ‘Taylor, I know you’re only 17, but I want to do you.’ ”

My blushing face suddenly blanched.

“That’s really just a figure of speech, you know,” I bluffed. “I meant that I wanted to ‘do lunch with you.’ ”

He arched an eyebrow and continued reading.

“ ‘And I mean do you, as in getting it on.’ ”

I was on the verge of fainting.

“Well, a man of your, er, esteemed status can’t be expected to know all the crazy slang the kids are using these days,” I laughed hysterically. “I meant that I wanted to get our platonic friendship on…”

“ ‘And I mean get it on, as in having you vaginally penetrate me with your underaged penis.’ ”

“I was just kidding around!”

He put down the papers.

“Oh really? What’s in that tote bag?”

I moved it out of the way of his grasping hands, but our brief struggle ended shortly with his dumping the contents of my bag onto the top of the island.

“Okay, quick inventory here, Miss. Let’s see, we’ve got said washboard, assorted dirty thongs…good god, is this actually lubricant that’s meant to taste like warm soda pop?”

“It’s from a combo pack, Sir. I’ve got some in my glove compartment that tastes like blueberry muffins too.”

“Okay, I’ve seen enough. This has got to be one of the most bizarre shows we’ve ever done.”

“I’d ask if I’m free to go, but I know that even though you’ll say yes, the minute I set foot outside I’ll be swarmed by cops.”

“Yeah, that’s about right.”

“Well, I guess I’m gonna go ahead and get it over with. It was nice to meet you. Sort of.”

Mr. Hansen gave me a grudging look for a moment before exiting the room. As I got up from the stool I noticed that sitting on it for so long had made me almost as uncomfortable as expecting young, sexy Taylor Lautner and getting old, decidedly un-sexy Chris Hansen instead. That’s life I guess.

Thus ends my foray into television. On the bright side, the onslaught of police officers that launched themselves at me made me think of Charlie and suddenly I didn’t mind being at the bottom of their dog pile. I also find it somewhat funny that my court appearance is scheduled for February 11, 2010.

Uh, thanks Sarah for making sure the words ‘vaginally’ ‘penetrate’ ‘dong’ and ‘penis’ were written in this letter today! I’m pretty sure we’re gonna be deleting porn spam all day long!

56 more days to talk about Chris Hansen,

One Year later and our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

125 Responses

  1. Bwahahahahah

    Stop oogling the underage goodies.

  2. “Alpha dong” – LOL!! Definitely epic!

  3. Haha! Brills.
    I was actually thinking about Tay’s b’day today … mainly because I was thinking about mine which is the day before. But just think: 8 weeks from Thursday the boy is legal everywhere.

    • Yeah! Yours is the day before? Mine is THE DAY.

      I’m a Team Jake girl in theory, but it’s Rob all the way for me in real* life.

      But I must say that it is a relief to know that during the rest of the films I can safely lust after “the Vessel” of the Jakeness without feeling guilty!

      *using the word ‘real’ liberally

      • indeed!!! We just need to muddle over the fact that he was 17 during that upcoming agressive kiss on the mountain with all the hair pulling and red hot passion…. ok… I need to stop that.

  4. Silly funny.

    I was almost hoping that Taylor would come rescue her….

    • Me too! Or that when she looked back at Hansen Taylor would be there w/ Big Daddy Lautner both sneering. What a horrible way to go. She would’ve had to say something to dignify herself like, “You wanted me to be human. Watch me.” Then run outside to the cops all Boondock Saints style.

      Everytime someone mentions sweet tea, I think of cults and their koolaid. Every time! I haven’t had sweet tea since I started reading this blog…

  5. Fifth!
    “if I were a woodland creature who just happened to be in leering range when you phased back to a human and if I would get to see your Alpha dong before you put your jorts back on.”
    Thanks for the laugh UC! You know we all are definitely waiting for that boy to turn 18…..*sigh*

  6. finally legal. i feel like such a dirty bird having such impure thoughts about a minor……. but i don’t feel guilty. when given copious amounts of alcohol this is what i do to taylor.

  7. Attention fellow Skypers:

    We must be alert and never allow this person,, into our conversations. I don’t like tea. Or jail.


    • Hear, hear!
      Of course, I’m off the hook because I think Bewley’s somewhere around 27-30, Cudmore’s 29 in Jan. and Burke is 42? 44? meh. Plus, it’s RobCob, not Roblor…that has to be taken into account. Slashfic about FICTIONAL characters cannot be taken to mean something else…something illegal…

      • oh billy burke. sooo ughn. i wanna sit on his moustache.

      • Daniel Cudmore is only 28?!?!?!! That just doesn’t seem right. He just looks so, so manly. And suddenly way more hotspice.

        • Didn’t know the human body could grow so much in only 28 years.

        • hahaha – my thought exactly! My husband is tall – but that Cudmore is really really tall and buff!

        • Yeah, 1981. His brothers are both giants too, but age 32 and 25 respectively (hey, Luke, I’ll move to Ireland and watch you play rugby, it’s fine). Anyway, they all work out daily, so, it does make sense they’re all buff along with their tallness. I mean, his brothers are professional rugby players, and Dan used to play football and rugby (and 8 million other sports). Based on that and their parents’ professions, my guess is that the Cudmore name is a fairly prestiguous one amongst the British Columbians.
          Wow, do I really know all of this? ::face paw::

          • *whispers*



          • I love you, fangster. When did I go from fangirl to stalker? Is it my fault that during a fangirling session I happened upon a Bio of him that listed his parents and brothers?

          • TeamSeth, I bow to your stalker skillz.

          • Sigh. I don’t know his middle name! Doesn’t that count for something?! You all know Taylor and Rob’s middle names!!!

          • Psh. I do NOT know Taylor’s middle name. And I’m pretty sure Rob’s middle name is Anthony, but I’m also pretty sure I’m wrong about that.

            I have no idea how tall he is, nor how much he weighs, clothed or not. I suspect his favorite color is more Heineken emerald green than the blue sweater featured in the Stephenie Meyer for Justthetip collection. I know he no longer has a pet not because I renamed my dog Patty, but because the interwebz invented Twitter specifically so someone could continue a FakerPatty posthumously.

            I really have only one burning Pattinson query on my mind, which I have twittered to Moon & UC already. V-neck or turtleneck? And what’s his favorite kind of shirt?

          • “and what’s his favorite kind of shirt”

            I’m crying.

    • Definitely. You never know when you might actually be talking to Big Daddy, anyway.

  8. Hahahahaha! That’s brilliant! That made me laugh! Love it!

    I’m having a hard time relating to the whole ‘not leagal’-thing, cause here in my country youre leagal at 15, so I’m kind of hoping that Taycob would come for one of those promotion-visits here (not that I would “do” him – no no no no – I’m married, uhm… )

    • um, what country is that? I love that he is still illegal here, but almost over the hill where ever you are. Talk about your crazy and confusing international date (the young) lines.

      • Hehe – Denmark. Very small country in Northern Europe (Just north of Germany).

        And – we don’t really date – we just – you know – “go for it”. Maybe that has changed a little since i was young – but not much.. (ok – this sound kind af wrong when writing it, but really – it’s just not something we make a big deal out of)..

        • Hee, hee. Of course, Denmark! Thanks for being so specific… I Am pretty sure most peeps know it’s located… But now they can be sure. In your honor… Munch’s 

      • international date (the young) line. brilliant.

  9. “That dude is weird” caption, laugh out loud funny.

    And no one minds being in a doggy pile of Charlies… (priceless).

    This was so great! Hooray Sarah!

  10. Blueberry muffins are always good. So is chocolate and whipped cream. Loads of fun in the sun. Why Georgia?

  11. That was absolutely hilarious. I feel so dirty sometimes when I think about him. Especially last night when I was watching my pirated copy of New Moon. Le SWOOONNN…

    PS: UC- I love the fact that you closed with “56 more days to talk about Chris Hansen”

  12. Alpha dong .
    Sorry, I just had to say it again. Cuz it’s so damn funny.

  13. That was awesome.

    I have two weeks left in my lusting of Taylor…then I move to TN. So I need to bring it!

  14. Off topic BUT it finally happened. I actually had a dream about UC and Moon!

    Loads of stuff happened, but the main premise was that on Rob’s downtime between movies he apparently enjoyed wearing a D&G suit and working in my office (who wouldn’t?!), and also being my boyfriend, of course. UC and Moon came to London and we showed them round, we found a lovely pub on a street corner, and then noticed the building opposite over the road was also a pub. We all found it hilarious that there were 2 pubs right next to each other.

    Yeah, I don’t get it either really, but we seemed to have a pretty good time!

  15. Wow…that was a big slap of deja vu right there…Does that mean could also be a fake addy? I mean he told me his middle name AND date of birth…hehas to be legit right???

    This post is EPIC!!!! and probably prophetic….for me anyway…
    Imma add a little Tween Taycob love right here…cause they wont go to jail like I will…
    “OMJ he’s ssoooooooo cuteeeeee…I loveeeeeee him ssoooooo much….i’m sooooo gonna marry him…squeeeee….I wish he waz my boyfriend…omg omg omg” and scene.

    Dont worry BFF…I’ll protect you. *blows kiss and winks I love you Hanson*
    Morning everybody!!!
    Happy and pervy Cookie!!!

  16. that was hilarious!! only 56 more days =D

  17. Only 56 more days of Chris Hansen, unless we move on to BooBoo. Oh wait, that IS sick.


    From this point forth all my observations on this manboy will be strickly professional until such date as he grows into his cojones or turns 18 whichever comes first.

    But before that I must point out the epic gems of this post:

    -“ ‘And I mean get it on, as in having you vaginally penetrate me with your underaged penis.’ ” (at least she didn’t call it a furpeen)

    -“warm soda flavored lube… With a blueberry muffin flavored backup” (do you suposse there was a pizza flavored and a fish fry in the pack too since those are the only other foods he eats in the books).

    -““I was just kidding around!”

    -“Alpha dong, penis and vginally penetrate” (just to make sure the spammers don’t miss us, they need Tay love too)

    -56 days is a long time to keep it in the pants professional with Taylooove. As an ultra precaution I’m abstaining from tea and lemonade for the 56 days. Never know where Henson will pop up next.

  19. I am at my desk with tears in my eyes trying to hold back the laughter. This is soooo funny.

  20. Can I change my name to “Team Sarah” cause she is just awesome!! “Alpha Dong” may be the new “Sparkelpeen”!!

  21. where is Ambushed today?!?!? oh no……

    well Ambushed if you are reading this, thanks for posting comment on my blog! it made me feel happy! I dont know how else to contact you besides through here. so sorry this is off topic.

    P.S.- the power was just off at my work for 1 1/2 hours. What the first thing I did when it came back on? Go to LTT to read the comments. Thats normal.

    • i’m still here reading and keeping track.
      re: your blog, sure thing babe!
      i like your “brand of observational humor”. i will follow along… TeamSeth has my e-mail.

      “Hello” to anybody else here @ LTT!
      (that’s my shout out for today)
      aaaaaand iiiiiiiiiii’m out.

  22. don’t have time to read the comments because i have to go to work soon, but i just have to say, amazing.
    i’mma need one of these.

  23. Somehow for me, this brings a little bit of Americana wholesomeness with the soda pop and blueberry muffins reference, yes even though it’s about lubricants…because really isn’t that what every teenage boy likes, coke and bberry muffins? Well, that and sex. And maybe even sex with an older woman (I saw The Graduate)…but I digress.

  24. I’m confused. Was that supposed to be funny, or a dire warning to those of us who spent Saturday night awake thinking pure thoughts about how talented of a gyrator and karate-chopper he is about Taylor?

    Just in case, I’ll steer clear of iced tea and email addresses with sketchy domain names ’til Feb. And possibly switching to Team Edward. You know, to throw people off. …definitely NOT because Tay wore a pink Team Edward shirt on SNL and it really just reminds me of him.

    • HTML fail.. “pure thoughts about how talented of a gyrator and karate-chopper he is” was of course supposed to be striked-out. You are not supposed to know about that!

  25. OMG….i almost choked on my Frosted Flakes! That was hilarious! bwahahahahahaha!!!

    I feel dirty. Going to look at RobPorn

  26. So yesterday I was ringing a customer out at work and our pos’ tell us the persons name so we can thank them for shopping with us by name. So this lady was buying her foundation and when I went to grab her receipt my computer read “thank you chris hansen” i was like oh crap that have found me! I had a good chuckle about it.

  27. Alphadong FTMFW.

  28. I decided to refrain from reading this due to possible purity ring implications….or I am busy at work. You pick the reason. Loved the pics though.

  29. This made me cry I was laughing so hard.
    And it’s so ironic, I was just talking with a friend yesterday about washing my panties on Taycob’s washboard abs. I guess that’s “normal.”

  30. Thank you all for your kind comments! I’m glad it got a laugh.

  31. Wow!!! I haven’t laughed so hard in a long while. Thank you so much for this post SEM. :):):)

  32. Good afternoon everyone….sorry UC WAYYY TOO MUCH READING 4 me today no sleep for several days…but I always know that what you wrote was SUPER!!


    • MidCyn – I wasn’t on LTT later in the day yesterday so I just now saw that you replied to me. Don’t feel bad about not reading the post today…it was too long for me too. 🙂

      You begging Ambushed to come back reminds me of us all begging you to come back. Bad memory…the dark days without MidCyn.

      • Been missing you and ILWL late at night…. 😦 especially our “Breaking news”… suffering from stress related insomnia.. 😦
        Yes couldn’t really understand Ambushed comment so I am not sure why she isn’t posting? Did you understand what she was saying?
        Makes me sad 😦

        • Sorry about the insomnia! Though I’d love to “talk” to you, I hope you get rest soon! I’m having the opposite problem…sheer exhaustion is making me unable to keep my eyelids propped open when I get home from work. 😦

          Not sure about Ambushed. Just remember her saying she was going to read and not post but I don’t know why!

        • Cyn…I keep missing u on Twitter.I’m so sorry..sad panda…dammit! Why do I need to sleep at all????
          stoopid christmas hours at work…

    • HUGS!

      Miss you! Can’t wait until the holidays are over so work will slow down and I can play again.

      • ME Too!!! Jodie did u understand Ambushed’s comment yesterday? I keep reading it but this brain is close to total failure….
        Hugs back

        • I haven’t had a chance to read the comments much lately. I usually just scan for your avatar so I can talk to you. I’ll try to take a look when I get home tonight.

  33. Funny Funny Funny!

    Thanks for the laughs this morning!!!

    most def needed!!

  34. As I am reading this, Gone with the wind’s:

    “and the wind swept through Georgia”

    appears on my tv screen. I kid you not!

    It’s a sign.

  35. LMAO – Brilliant!!!!!!!

  36. Alphadong pretty much sums it up for me……………awesome post! 🙂 Also loved “Are we in Georgia?” “Not precisely”
    Finally took off purity ring and read some J/B fanfic last night (then direct you into my arms). Yeah, if any others are as good as that one, I’m hooked. A Taycob post yesterday and one again today, this is turning out to be a good week!

  37. I just found this bit on the translation of Aro in NM. Unrelated, but anything about michael sheen is always sooo relevant. here we go!

  38. OME!! I’ve just got into work and started my day with this stunning piece of creative writing!..oh i of actual events. LMAO!! thanks for a great start to the work day!

  39. Oh my.
    That was HILARIOUS.
    I definitely needed this laugh today. Thank you!!

  40. This may very well be the hardest I have laughed reading LTT…
    I laughed so hard my head is hurting…

  41. ok do we need to start a bail fund? she needs our help. who knows what is happening to her in holdup. i hope she didn’t get big bertha as a cell mate.

    love the hansen stuff. and i don’t feel guilty for anything i dream of doing to that boy because i will never meet him.

  42. Oh my gosh, that has got to be one of the most epic posts ever. Hilarious!

  43. […] Tonight on a very special “To Catch a Predator”… Dear Taylor Lautner lovers, counting down the days until he turns 18 (56), What would happen if you had the opportunity […] […]

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