The IMportant questions about Twilight

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

We recent shared some of the letters we receive from LTT/LTR readers, and they’re pretty crazy. I can’t even begin to imagine what the letters you receive are like. Okay, maybe I can. For example, we received THIS letter from “skipped elementary school grammar class in NY” that was addressed to YOU the other day. (here are a few excerpts)

You see I feel kind of cheated where Jacob BLack’s roll is concern.  I no this makes no sense to you. In Breaking Dawn you did write that Jacob and Renesmee was imprinted on each other. But then you add Nahual to the mix. I so cherish the moment you wrote that Jacob imprinted on Renesmee. Because I really, really felt his pain for his love for Bella. At the end of the book I felt kind of cheated. All your fans got to see Bella and Edward love story ending in a fairy tale ending. But I didn’t feel that way about Jacob. See Renesmee is still a little girl. So Jacob only see her as a child he loves and has to protect. WHAT ABOUT THEIR LOVE STORY. But I have mixed feeling because you add NAhual in the picture and now I think Jacob might not find his shoreline after all. Maybe he never finds his love and his holes never get filled. POOR JACOB. So please if you don’t mind do you think in the near future you would write a book on Jacob and add Leah to that too, how she too found her love or a better life.

This brings me to today’s topic: The important questions about Twilight.

Didn't you used to be sorta a dude?

Didn't you used to sorta be a dude?

1. Whatever happened to Leah? The girl who skipped grammar class in elementary school brings up a good point. What about Leah? What’s HER story? I feel as though she was really cheated as a character. She lost Sam; she turns into a smelly dog at will; she runs around with a pack of boys and can’t get mani/pedis with the girls on the weekends. Where is HER happy ending? At least turn her into a lesbian citing her abhorrence of men since Sam hurt her so badly. It would explain how she can fit in with the boys so easily. Plus she could end up with Eric Yorkie after he undergoes a sex change operation.

Not all the e-mails we get are for you, Rob or from crazy people. Larissa sent us one recently that brings us to question #2

2. Do Vampires masturbate? Larissa says:

Well I stumbled upon your website and absolutely love it…its nice to know that i am not the only twisted twilighter in the world…but my obsessive thoughts over the question ” Do vampires masturbate” seriously has me worried …i cannot get the mental image of Emmet rubbing one out and Edward indulged in his thoughts out of my head…this makes me a very sick sad person and im ok with that

You’re not sick, Larissa. You’re normal. Let’s say it all together people: “That’s Normal.” I asked around to my peeps to see what they thought. I heard a chorus of resounding “Yes of COURSE he masturbates.” And I have to agree. If he’s able to get it up an’ at ’em enough to produce a child/half-puppy/half-leech, he’s definitely jerkin’ the gherkin from time to time. And this brings up the very important question, Stephenie: who did he think of before Bella came into his life? Does the Vampire world have their own porn scene & he keeps a copy of Turn of the century sluts stored in his piano bench?

It's leftover mountain lion, but we'll tell her it's chicken. Capiche?

"It's leftover mountain lion, but we'll tell her it's chicken. Capiche?"

3. What is Carlisle chopping in the kitchen in Twilight the movie? Seriously. This has bothered me for almost an entire year. It has kept me up at night. I even asked the question on WikiAnswers (my favorite place for very accurate answers to questions. Did you see how spot on they are with questions about Rob?) And someone said it’s chorizo. HOW DO THEY KNOW THIS!? I thought we were friends, Steph. Or did you stop reading LTT when you saw Moon posted that guy who came on a chat with LTT girls and stripped? I told her you wouldn’t be fooled in thinking that was Rob. I wish you could tell me whether it’s chorizo or salami that Carlisle is cutting. This is very important

BobbyGee, skip the following question:

You heard right. I want THIS down THERE

You heard right. I want THIS down THERE

4. What about the body hair? You know that when Alice, Rose & Esme were changed, the times were different. It wasn’t seen as inappropriate for a woman to sport a big bush (yeah, I mean what I just said). Okay, if the woman was walking down the street, maybe that would be inappropriate, but in private, under the undergarments, bushes were a-okay. But that’s not exactly the style anymore. So what do they do? I can’t imagine trendy Alice & perfect Rosalie would let it grow all wild & crazy. If they shave or wax, doesn’t it grow back? Does it even go away when they try to get rid of it? Maybe, if they have to live with it, they just dress it up. I have a friend who goes orange for Halloween. What’s Emmett’s favorite color? Does Rose surprise him from time to time? Does Alice sport an “Army Green” in honor of Jasper? You know what would REALLY be cool? If they all got the Cullen Crest dyed down there. That’s commitment to family.

BobbyGee you may proceed:

I know you get asked a lot of questions, all the time, Steph, but these questions are really weighing on me. Does Edward stick out his tongue when around his brother and say “nah na na na nah nah” because HIS wife’s hair “down there” is hip with the times? What type of Italian meat did Carlisle get to cut in his kitchen for the first time? What pornographic magazines are out for the men in the Cullen family to enjoy when their wives are out getting their Cullen Crest’s redyed? And what about poor, poor Leah? Where’s her fairy tale ending?

Inquiring minds NEED to know,

What other REALLY IMPORTANT, burning questions do you have about Twilight? Share them in the comments!

And check out my favorite kind of email we receive after the jump!


Click to see how cute

Welcome to our favorite kind of email that we get. We love when someone sends us an announcement about a new product. Because then we can selfishly ask for the product to “try it out.” And when we saw these “Bite Me” notepads from LobotoMe, we HAD to have them. And we got them. And now we’re happy. And so is my desk. Because for the last 3 weeks, since I ran out of kitty notebook paper, I’ve been writing notes on teeny tiny fluorescent yellow post-its. And you can barely see the surface of my desk.

Anyway, this notepad is AWESOME-SAUCE. First of all, it’s cute and I’m all about the cute. Secondly, there’s one side with lines to list your “To-Do’s.” Mine currently says “Review this paper, Blog, Meet Rob, Get warmer, Interview Buttcrack Santa” And THEN there’s a side where you can doodle on Edward. I drew glasses, a belly button & made him say “I love UC.” Seriously. If I wasn’t so cold I’d take a picture so you can see that I don’t make these things up.

Each pad comes with 50 sheets and is $9.95. I was originally going to say that it’s the PERFECT gift for any Twi-teens in your life. But it’s not. Well, it IS, but you’ll end up keeping it. Trust. So go buy a few “gifts” now!

Thanks Jenny for sending this to Moon & I (Psst- she sent me samples of her other notepads too. ADORABLE. I need them all. Now)

Go discuss what you would doodle on Edward on The Forum
And laugh with Moon on LTR. I previewed it and it’s HILAR

327 Responses

  1. “Maybe he never finds his love and his holes never get filled. POOR JACOB”

    Poor Jacob indeed!

    I can’t imagine never getting my holes filled.

    How sad.

  2. of course edward masturbates. he would have a serious case of blue balls if he didn’t. you know with all the leg hitching going on.

    • WORD

    • I can’t picture Edward masturbating. Wouldn’t that be like he was stealing is own virtue? 🙂

    • My guess @ Steph’s response to whether or not Edward masturbates: No he doesn’t. In the books, Edward is constantly poking fun at Bella’s hormones meaning that he doesn’t have that same hormonal drive as she does. Edward says he never felt normal human feelings before meeting Bella. Also, if Edward & family can restrain against drinking human blood, I bet they can fight off a case of century old blue balls.

      My guess is that whenever Edward gets sexually frustrated he can’t tell the difference between being thirsty and horny so he just goes and slaughters a mountain lion.

      • I’m sorry. You lost me. How can he not tell the difference between being thirsty and horny? Isn’t a boner a rather obvious hint? Are you implying that they all hunt with boners? I’m confused.

      • @Krystle: “Also, if Edward & family can restrain against drinking human blood, I bet they can fight off a case of century old blue balls.”

        Totally different! They are drinking blood still, just not human. Edward isn’t having sex with anyone (human or vamp or wolf or half vamp half human) but that doesn’t mean he’s abstaining from all forms of sexual indulgence!

        Plus in the books the human feelings he discovers are jealousy and love.

      • @Krystle
        “…he just goes and slaughters a mountain lion.”
        only after edward has had his way with the mountain lion.

        i kind of have a problem with how the story is all chaste and cock-blocky, until bella is turned. then she finds out all vampires get down and dirty from 9pm-7am (thats 10 hrs! chaffing much?).
        sort of makes me doubt edwards unwavering virtue. also, if all carlise/esme, alice/jasper, rosalie/emmett etc are doing at night is having orgies in the cullen mansion, why is edward not (all least a little bit) tempted to get in on the action. tis rubarb!

  3. Oooooh, mewants a notepad! My to-do’s would also say ‘get warmer’. Friggin’ cold…

    Talking about body hair, I’ve always wondered whether vampires just have to shave their legs once, and then never again since it doesn’t grow back. That would be awesome. Yet another reason to want Edward to come and bite me. Now.

    • i want a notepad too. but i would be too tempted to draw big sparkly penises and balls with my trusty sparkle pen on edward 🙂

    • A fanfiction writer (Lolashoes) wrote a chapter where Edward shaves Bella. It’s very sweet and sexy. You should read her stuff. She’s awesome.


    • I’d be puttin’ Get Warmer on there too. Followed immediately by Get off of LTT and apply for that job which closes today. Followed by Get Back on LTT.

      • By the way, a little addition to this, I went to check on when today the job app was due…NOON! I looked at the clock and it was 11:49!!!!!!!!! I got it in though 😉

    • This might get me the Twi-Dork of the Day award but I thought I read on SM’s site that vampire hair doesn’t grow. They’re frozen in time when they get changed so whatever they looked like pre-vamp is what they’ll look like as a vamp. Which is why Alice has crazy short sheared hair as they cut it all off at the sanitarium. But then I have to get all Twi-losophical and wonder how Bella didn’t have a preg belly post-transformation. Explain that one, Steph.

      • Good points – especially about Bella not having her preg belly post transformation. Hmm…maybe because the transformation heals everything and perfects all physical aspects of your body. Alice’s hair wouldn’t fall into that category I suppose 😉

  4. ‘Turn of the century sluts’ – BAHAHAHAHAHAA!

  5. Turn of the century sluts??
    ROFL, that is effin’ hilar.
    And I want that notepad. Badly.

    Jayde xox

  6. and if we want the notepad-edward to have abs, we can just draw them on! just like they do on rob ;p

  7. Dear Stephanie Meyer,
    Please write a book telling us all how Jacob and Leah fill their holes.
    Thank you.

    I can’t picture Edward masturbating. Isn’t it a sin? Wouldn’t he go to hell for abusing his body in such a manner??

  8. Heat magazine in the UK ran a contest to be an extra in New Moon where the tie-breaker was something like what is Carlisle cooking in the kitchen?

    The suggestions on this forum are awesome

    “They do say they are making a italiano so I have looked pu the recipe but it hard work”

  9. “It’s leftover mountain lion, but we’ll tell her it’s chicken. Capiche?” I laughed and cried my eyelashes off reading this!

    ” Do vampires masturbate” Hale of course! I read it myself in the fanfic Creature of Habit and other fanfics. So yeah it’s true 🙂 Mwahahaha

  10. “a copy of Turn of the century sluts stored in his piano bench” Whahahaha.

    I’m really happy someone is reminding Stephenie to write a book about the important issues left unaddressed in the saga. Forget Midnight Sun and an EPOV Breaking Dawn. I’m just dying to find out what life has in store for our favorite she-wolf. I would also like to know how the Bloated Toad (Twi-nerd of the week?) will celebrate its 1000th serving of mushroom ravioli. And of course an Isle Esmee book would be nice! As long as we get to learn the color of the subsoil layers that is. Are you reading Stephenie?

    • wait… “bloated Toad?” I’m so confused. Is that in the Belgium versions of the book but not in the American versions? Have I lost my Twi-nerdiness?

      • In the movie the restaurant was the Bloated Toad or something and not La Bella whatever it was in the book. =] Now who’s the Twi-nerd of the week??


        • When Jessica and Angela walk out of the restaurant in the movie you can see the sign of the restaurant and it says “bloated toad”. I guess after countless viewings I subconsciously start paying attention to stuff like this. Btw book Edward would never take Bella to a restaurant with such a name, not even in Belgium.

  11. several points:
    I’m LOVING the Bobbygee shout out.

    I always imagined it to be pancetta (“you can google it”)that Carlisle is cutting.

    I seriously don’t understand how the person who wrote that letter read any of the books in the first place b/c he or she sounds like a complete illiterate.

    I may or may not have imagined Edward masturbating in the water right before Bella comes out for the “midnight swim” on the honeymoon so that he could last longer (’cause he’s considerate like that, ladies). And ‘turn of the century sluts’ may have made me laugh harder than anything on this blog ever has. UC, you’ve reached a new level of comedic brilliance with that one.

    And the body hair….I have always wondered this. Obviously, the hair does not grow. But can they yank it out? Is it like unicorn hair and so strong that you can’t shave it? Steph, you really failed us here. You should be chagrined. We need answers.

    Oh and thanks for the reminder to make a waxing appointment b/c my ‘hair down there’ hasn’t been ‘hip with the times’ for about three weeks now.

    • The vampire body hair question has plagued me since I read Interview with the Vampire in 5th grade. I’ve sadly had lengthy conversations with friends about the state of vampire body hair. I always pictured vampires as hairless, as their skin is always described as hard and smooth, but I can’t explain why they still have hair on their head or facial hair if that were the case. Anyway, I think that’s why Robward’s chest hair in the movie freaked me out… and because it’s really patchy.

      • So I can’t believe I am going to come out of my LTT lurker/reader role for this, but here goes for my first comment. I read a fanfic called In The Blink of an Eye. Really good, btw. Anywho…this is a spoiler if you are reading it… right before Bella is turned, Rose takes her away and completely shaves her. She explains to Edward that even though they are in a time pressed situation, Bella will def believe it was worth the risk not to have to deal with the hair once she is a vamp. Since it was written, it must be true.

        • thanks for the insight. You’re right, if it’s in a fan fic it HAS to be true. Glad you came out of lurkdom to share and I LOVE your name!

        • Thank you for coming out of lurkdom for this! Seriously, I lose sleep over things like vampire body hair (because that’s normal?). Plus, you’ve given me a new fanfic to check out…

          • It’s a really good one. The premise is that Bella did move on in New Moon because when she jumped off the cliff, she actually broke her back and ended up in a wheel chair. So no Italy.

          • Oooh, I will definitely check it out!

        • I always thought that the pires’ tastes didn’t change at all unless they fell in love/had a major event occur. Meaning, their hair couldn’t grow any longer. meaning they’d be making a lifelong commitment to the shave/wax if they efforted it. Now here’s a question with that, when you wax, especially in the sensitive areas, you get some blood coming out to heal the fresh would…Are they going to be having venom come out?
          Plus, we’re addressing only women and shaving…what about the male vamps? Some guys shave their testicles you know, for that fresh smooth feeling.

          On Edward and his taste in bush: He was 17 at the time, never been with a woman, and was all about the war effort. So, he’d have no real idea what bush was all about (you know, pheromones and such). Then, if he tapped Tanya, or she shoved it up in his face, she was all 1000AD Slavic (um, was it called Slavic then? Ridiculous.) and assumingly had bush (esp. since she was living up in the Slavic regions…brrz/chaffing!). So wouldn’t he want Bells to have that? Or would it be the opposite due to his distaste in Tanya? AND if Bella had shaven pre-change, she’d have that tiny amount of stubble that feels smooth but is visible (you know you all get it). Would she then have to pluck them all out after being changed (I doubt it would hurt, plus she’d be able to see them all, plus she has forever to get them all)? Would her skin be too hard and they’d be locked in place as forever smooth but visible stubble?

          I fear you guys have only brushed the surface of the down-there hair debacle…

          • Also, we are all forgetting about merkins!

          • You’ve given me so much to think about!! Hmm… my first question is, do vampires have pores? I mean, their skin texture has to change and become hard and sparkly (Ooh, what causes the sparkling?), but it seems that this could happen with or without pores. If they DO have pores then it seems that venom could surely come out of them if they were yanking hair from their downstairs area (or their Charlie Browns, as the case may be).

            Regarding the Bella bush though, I don’t know. I don’t think Edward would care whether she was smooth or not. It would seem a bit OOC for him to have a preference. But it seems like it would definitely be a fairly easy task for a vampire to pluck out hairs one by one, what the eyesight, dexterity and pain tolerance… but would the skin resist? Hmm… if so, she’d better try when she’s a newborn when she has superstrength.

            And merkins? Haha! Excellent solution in case Edward is a fan of the bush! Bella can get a collection and can switch them out for role play.

    • All this talk about man meat, eh, I mean meat is getting to be too much! haha

      I agree about the pancetta. As a casual cook, that’s what it looks like to me and on the TV when that guy is cooking on his crappy infomercial.

  12. I thought that part of Stephanie’s website was interesting where she tried to answer questions from the books, like “Vampires and Pregnancy:How does that work?” and then she goes on to explain about vampire arousal and seminal fluids, which she envisioned similar to humans…duh…he got Bella pregnant, so obviously he’s still got swimmers. If vamps sexual desire is only second to thirst then I think it would be hard to go for 107 years without at least doing yourself, especially for a 17year old male in which sex is usually no.1 in their mind, if your not a vampire.

    Oh yeah, I just bought some “Bite Me” note pad as “gifts”.

    • don’t get me started on that subject. this is one that pisses me off to no end. so women vampires don’t have monthy cycles but male vampires are able produce sperm. WTF.

      • Yes! This drives me nuts, too! How can a male vampire produce sperm? Wouldn’t it be venomous? It’s definitely not fair. Why do women always get the shaft? (That’s what she said.)

        • why do women get menopause and men can impregnate up until death?! it’s just the way it IS!

          • Because shooting a load is a lot less stressful on the body than childbirth.

            Plus, most men can’t really get it up after awhile…they’ve just made meds to let them.

        • Doesn’t Edward explain in the book that the reason he still has swimmers is because it’s perpetually produced by males and the reason women vampires are no longer productive after they’ve been changed is because their bodies are frozen at the point in which they are turned? So therefore Edward is frozen and can still produce, but the women can’t because you only ovulate once a month. Omg, I’m a nerd.


          • No, no, you’re not a nerd! I’m actually mad at myself because I don’t remember that explanation. I remember the part about the frozen womb but not the rest.

            So, I’m actually jealous of your wisdom.

            Making me a… twi-dork?

          • Great explanation! Congrats on being a Twi-nerd, coming from another Twi-nerd!

          • wow that would suck if you were turned while ON your period. eternal aunt flow. i would ask for mercy from the volturi!

          • I don’t know if that’s true Moon, because when you get changed you drink all your own blood, so technically you’d be drinking your “dead blood” too, as SM explains it to be. And on that note, and a much grosser thought, would that mean your eyes would be ever so slightly russet instead of all bright red?

      • Steph tries to explain this in BD in that women vampire bodies can’t change like a humans, so I guess she means no even getting ready for pregnancy. She may have the baby material in her ovs, but it can’t do anything. As far as males producing sperm…their body shouldn’t change either, unless they just have a limited supply of sperm from being a human…don’t know. I think the bigger question is why the f*ck Carlise, who is suppose to be this brilliant doctor, didn’t even suspect an unwanted pregnancy, hello..he knew Bella and Edward were going to do it…there were rumors over the last 300 years or so of vamps and humans “having relations” and possibly producing offspring…

        • Yes! That IS the question. Way to drop the ball, Carlisle!

        • I agree. Doesn’t sperm get recycled if it’s unused? (which would mean that Edward really couldn’t have masturbated (or at least come to orgasm) and still have impregnated Bella…because if they’re frozen then he’d only have the sperm inside of him at the time of changing, which would continue to recycle itself, but not form new sperm). Plus, if a female was changed WHILE ovulating, wouldn’t that mean she’s frozen during ovulation thus able to make a baby? I mean, assuming it’s a vamp baby, why would it need normal human materials to survive? I suppose your point on it being unable to change in order to prep for carrying a child makes sense.

        • Agreed about Carlisle! I also am now wondering why they call it Trojan condoms…is that because the Trojan horse was full of “surprise” men?

    • all the people you give the ‘gifts’ to (aka yourself) will love them

    • Nah, he says that sex wasn’t on his mind at that age, only war.

  13. Now that I’m thinking about it. I would like Stephanie to write a book about the house keeper at Isle Esme.

    I NEED to know her life story! I NEED to know if she’s getting her holes filled properly.


  14. What makes you think Bella has a modern look ‘down there’? I get the feeling she’s an au naturel type of girl, reminiscent of certain German naturalist magazines. Maybe Edward was taking care of business down there while while Bella was turning into a vampire. Maybe he gave her a crotch-mullet.

  15. *LMAO* I’m practically crying with laughter here. Seriously, ‘Turn of the century sluts’ holed up in Edward’s piano bench had me howling.

    I just assumed Carlisle is cutting up grilled chicken – goes to show what I know. *L*

    Jesus, between this blog/Letters to Rob & ‘Edward Wallbanger’ (seriously the funniest fanfic I’ve ever read), I really need to keep up those pelvic floor exercises 😛

  16. I’m stuck at home with a head cold, and you just made my day. Seriously, no lie. And I thought I got funny e-mail! You girls rock. 🙂

  17. Wow! Thank you for giving the shoutout to Bobbygee. He did not need to read that. Which, of course, means he probably did, if he ever reads past the first sentence. Sometimes, I ‘m not sure.

    Leah’s story is complicated:

    She falls in love w/ Sam who then imprints on Emily. Then it is obvious that she is falling for Jacob who then imprints on a weird half vamp/half human. Leah probably just wants to tell everyone to eff off.

  18. i had to laugh out loud at the first “crazy” letter to Stephenie until i remembered that i too have wondered about the Nahual/Renesemee/Jacob love triangle possibilities…

    and the list of questions i have that need explaining from Stephenie could start a new blog…

    and UC YOU are awesome-sauce for saying jerkin’ the gherkin!!

  19. I’m sorry, I can’t get over the letter to Stephenie. “Jacob Black’s roll”? Is he a baker? Does he have a nice tuck and roll? Or, is this some euphemism I’m not familiar with? As in, is that a roll in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

  20. Are you trying to imply that Edward has a wee willy winky with the phrase “jerkin the gherkin?” Because we all know Eddie is packin some serious heat. Otherwise Bella would have left him for the big bad wolf.


    • No way Edward’s got a “teeny weeny”. I’ve read a lot of fanfic and he’s hung like a horse!

    • Well, his size is determined on Bells’ size. Because she woke feeling pleased that they were a perfect fit in size.

      • I remember reading that. I didn’t quite understand. I’ve never had one that “didn’t fit”. Am I missing out on something.

        • Um, maybe you’re just loose? 😉

          In all serious though, I think it was just supposed to be like their bodies were a perfect match in length and girth. And Imma just gonna say it, I don’t believe it, ‘cuz SM fades to effing black.

  21. I have always wondered about the masturbation.. But there are so many mysteries related to the topic.
    For example: lets assume that Ed strokes his marble member. If he does, then obviously he’s aware that there’s some j…, I mean weird liquid involved.. I wonder if it sparkles too… Which brings to the fact that all of the Cullen men must know this, and there is a doctor in the house. And since he’s so curious about all things related to other species (so much that he had to test theirs and dog’s blood to figure out the chromosome thing), it is only natural that he would inspect the sparkly substance carefully under the microscope and see that lots of fellas swim in there (I wonder if the fellas have the super speed of their owners).
    And surely he would inform his son of the discovery so they could both figure out how to make a prototype of a super strong condom for Ed.
    I’m twi-kinky, I know..

    One other thing that always bugged me is why it never crossed Ed’s mind to pleasure his lady in other ways. Since he’s so unselfish and all. I guess he thought Bells had her own Turn of the week hunks.

    Done for now.. Going to contemplate further. Awesome post!

    • HA! “Marble member”


    • ‘marble member’! You guys are killing me today!

      Sparkly man-juice for sure – and I always wondered why Edward didn’t give Bella a little preview that doesn’t involve ‘losing ones virtue’ too, where’s the harm?

    • Hahahaha! I’ve had very similar thoughts to these (That’s normal!), so you’re not alone in your twi-kinkiness.

      Seriously, why no cunnilingus, Edward, why? Wouldn’t that have been the best of both worlds?

      • Wouldn’t cunnilingus result in her crotch burning “like it’s on fire”? Heck, it seems a lot of people overlooked the fact that just kissing Bella would turn her into a vampire. He salivates venom, not saliva. He licks his lips with venom, not saliva. We all know that her scent makes his mouth “water”. He can’t turn that off when they are making out. Honestly, their first kiss should have resulted in her changing. Buuuut, that wouldn’t have been much of a story… so he’s magically safe to kiss.

    • Marble member! Super speedy sperm! Your commitment to no longer using the “j” word! WIN WIN WIN

  22. It absolutely is Pancetta that he is chopping. It’s a main staple when “cooking Italiano”. It is most often sliced thinly by a butcher and used often to wrap around scallops, melon, and beef (oddly enough). It is cured so you can eat it “raw”. However, you can buy it in slabs, like ham, and cut it into cubes and strips as he was. You fry it up and get the good bacon like fat from it and use both in your recipe.
    Americans love bacon, Italians love pancetta.

    P.S. – It would not be chorizo as that is Spanish or Mexican in nature.

  23. I am laughing so hard right now, and luckily am the only one up! Hahahahaha! You people are hilarious. What do I think?
    1. Leah=lesbian, yeah, I’ll buy that.
    2. Vampires masterbate? Are they boys? Then, yes, duh. Girls, well, yeah, why the heck not?
    3. Can I smell what Carlisle is cooking? I am the worst fan ever for never even considering this…I looked at the photo and thought, hmmm, celery? I’m lame.
    4. I think as far as bush goes, the ladies have all trimmed down to something tastefully ‘in-between’ 1970s and 2005. You know, so they can fit in to all eras…..

    These are some very heavy questions, I hope that you have them filed away for when you get your interview with SMeyer….

  24. Things to ponder. Like, if movie-Bella is supposedly a vegetarian, why chopping any meat, eh Carlisle?

  25. ok… imma let you finish but…

    regarding the topic of masturbation, well Steph’s characters would not be doing that.
    i’ll explain why: (scripturally “masturbation” is an unclean habbit, and is disapproved of) Steph is a Mormon and thus would not have created characters with immoral habits. so, no. theoretically they would not.
    and even if they were aware that the, uhh, “fluid” came out, there’s no reason to think that once their heart stops and they’re officially dead, that one would think the swimmers would be dead too… no evidence to prove otherwise and no need to check if they were shooting blanks.

    (just a f.y.i.)

    so imma let you finish…

    • Ambushed (your name having bush in it isn’t a great thing for today…): Hold up, wait a minute, don’t go there ‘cuz I ain’t with it!

      Someone recently reminded me of the meadow scene at the end of Eclipse where Edward tells Bella that he’s cool having sex before they’re married. Then Bella says, “No thanks.” Where does that fit into this Morman effort?

      I’d also would like to mention that being on your period is considered impure in the Bible (see Leviticus), but you don’t see Bella all freaked out about lying in the same bed as Edward when she’s packin’ her tampons for the big honeymoon.

      Plus, Bella in New Moon discusses how she has no religion and that her dad says he’s Presbyterian since he was raised that way, but spends all his time worshiping at the river w/ his fishing pole (by the way, it should be IN the river…fly fishing requires you to wade) and her mother did religion in a brief stint, like her yoga and French lessons.

      I’m just saying. I saw SM went to BYU and was like, “Okay, look for the themes!” The religious themes were there, but she was sure to not make it dogmatic. In that way I think her characters may have masturbated, despite it’s uncleanliness.

  26. So I know I just proposed marriage to Freya yesterday… but curious if you’d be willing to join us in holy matrimony, UC? I’m like a regular Robert Pattinson with all the proposals I’ve been throwing out there lately, but a lifetime of THIS is something I cannot pass up.

    One question you neglected to highlight is – does Jacob ever get his “holes” filled? And if so, when? And more importantly how?

    Also, this made me want to shout “that’s what she said!”: “What type of Italian meat did Carlisle get to cut in his kitchen for the first time?”
    I mean, Carlisle’s been kicking around for how long? And has only had Esme for a small portion of that time… Surely there’s been some experimenting with Italian man meat? Maybe that’s why he left the Volturi… awwwkwaaard.

  27. I was going to say good morning…then I saw it was SNOWING outside and then I saw you posted my very frist tetter to LTT and then you went in all kinds of directions I didn’t want to think about BEFORE or AFTER my 1st full cup of coffee…WORST THING EVER…YOU INSULT POST ITS…AND …AND….AS UNBELIEVABLE AS IT IS TO ME….YOU HAVE COOL NEW NOTEPADS WITH…WITH..HIM…ON THEM AND DID NOT..I REPEAT..DID NOT SHOOT ME AN EMAIL AND TELL ME ABOUT THEM…KNOWING THAT I WOULD BUY 100 BOXES……I AM CRUSHED…..I AM LEAVING NOW…………….

    • Do you forgive me for my insult to post-its?
      Wait.. I take it back. I am NOT sorry. Seriously.. these things are 2×2. And ALL OVER my desk! You HAVE to understand!

      • OK..UC…only cause I luv ya…BUT…not sending me the info on the new notepads…that I could doodle (and other things on Edward) UNFORGIVABLE!!! But I do still heart you so….

    • SNOWING!??! Suckah! You must really live in the willywacks!

      • BITE ME 🙂

        • @MidnightSin I wanna feel for you about that snow debacle, but unless your husband made you go shovel it, I really can’t. Today it’s sooo windy that the main power line snapped. You know, the one that gives power to the entire neighborhood. So, without internet or heat or a way to cook my lunch, I read through all the comments I could on page 1 and wrote my responses in WordPad (cuz my Microsoft Word won’t work) so that I could put them up later. True dedication right there.
          Then I went to the coffeeshop and got warm and then posted my comments. And I meant to post this to you, but my computer battery ran out.
          Then I went over to my friend’s house…my combination of Sam and Jacob (if I’m a combination of Leah and Bella) and was all, “How you feeling?” ‘cuz he has the flu (may or may not be H1N1) and he’s all, “Can you go out and get me some soup?” And I of course said yes, even though his non-exclusive girlfriend was at the coffeeshop 5 sec from his house and he c(sh)ould’ve just called her.
          Then I’m walking to my car all talking out loud to myself like a crazy person (except I know all of you do this, so don’t even pretend!) saying things like, “Great, just great, let’s just heed to his every whim, TeamSeth.” and I had the thought that maybe I’d just go to B&N and read NM and not get him the soup and he’d call all like, “Did you forget the soup?” and I’d reply, “No, but I remembered my dignity.” This of course didn’t happen. Ugh. ::smacks self in face:: Cannot think about this moment of weakness that I’ve just so very publicly shared. Ugh. He’s one of those people that you sometimes wish you hadn’t met at all, except you can’t imagine your life without him. I really don’t like those people…sneaky little buggers!
          But then I hear about your damn tooth and infection and I feel like a total arse for thinking up this whole message, but I thought you would enjoy it and feel less like a “crazy” yourself, so I wrote it anyway. I love you, MS! Feel better! Good luck with the rest of the tooth!
          ps-my sam/jacob (let’s just call him Jam) has a bone coming out of his gum and had to go to the oral surgeon. So thanks for making think about that…::glowers::

          • TS…I so laughed at your rant….I am not sure what the hell you were talking about..but I so loved it anyway!!! Just got done sucking down my dinner and deciding that I have about reached my pain level tolerance and you go making me laugh AGAIN!!! YOU ARE HILARIOUS!!! BTW …I HATE SNOW…because snow =Cold and I HATE the cold even more than the snow..or maybe not..anyway..hubs would never allow sharp instruments including shovels into my hands..I get hurt walking into the that is NOT why I don’t like snow…just for the record….luckily I am providing my own self induced heat source and so not too bad….although in truth I am miserably sick and thank God once again for LTT providing me some much needed diversion…(am I rambling?) I should hang up now…oh one more thought…yes I am rambling..oh well plz be tolerant…after all I have read today and what I have tried to peice together and ok I called my daughter..I am extremely perturbed about this Bella giving birth thing…first of it true..tell me its not plz..that Edward like chews out the baby??? GROSS…and if it is..WHY???1) Where the hell was Carlisle? 2) Wouldn’t he been prepared for the birth?thus having the right instruments on hand etc.? 3) Rather than chewing (arghhh can’t get past this) why couldn’t he just use like his fingernail like a scalpel (sp?) and then he could have gotten the baby out that way…I am so disturbed by this…..hanging up now….

          • @Team Seth…In my delusional state I forgot to say sorry your day sucked…: ( forgive me…

          • It’s fine. Some days suck. It’s better than when I felt like Jam had punched a huge hole in my chest. Much better than that.

            I sent you an email with the answers to your questions. 🙂

    • Wait, it’s snowing already where you are?

      • Yes SB…it was SNOWING here today…woke up to HUGE snowflakes..shit with my head the way it is and no sense of time..I want NO LAUGHING when I post tomorrow or the next day that I am putting up my Christmas tree…promise!!!

        • I just want to mention that it’s 42 here and raining and all I could think when I walked outside was, “How you likin’ the rain, girl?” Besides how freezing cold my feet were (I was dashing to the library to pick up my on hold copy of Harold and Maude to watch tonight and didn’t have to time to put boots on…just ballet slipper like things)

    • Snow?! Do not bring that weather further South… I am so sad.

    • MidSin – How’s the tooth?

  28. so good i have to share my joy in macro form. i KNEW that wasn’t sheet music!

  29. Did anyone else read that letter and think, “Who the eff is Nahual? Has this chick been making things up as well as not learning her own language?”

    Srsly, I read Breaking Dawn once … it took me half an hour to even begin to remember that character.

    • Ditto. All I could think of were narwhals. Which are the most hilarious marine creatures ever.

    • I’m so nerdy I knew exactly who it was immediately. And thought the letter writer was completely ridiculous for even thinking Nessie would want to hook up with the other half vamp and skip out on the wolf.

    • I knew who it was and I’ve only read BD once. Now if I had to just come up with his name out of the blue I wouldn’t have been able to. Since she said it I knew who he was though. lol

    • So, I just realized who Nahual is…but IF he did hook up with Nessie…could THEY have children?

      • Nahual and Nessie…children…I think my brain just exploded.

      • And would those children be half vamp/half human or something else? Would they be venomous? Why are the boys venomous but not the girls? Why do they grow so fast and then just stop? Are they immortal? Is Jacob immortal? If Jacob’s not immortal, won’t he die at some point, leaving Renesmee heartbroken? What if the thing you imprint on doesn’t live very long? What if Emily died of the flu, or in a car accident? Could Sam imprint again?

        Details, Steph. I need DETAILS.

        • regarding Jacob: the said that as long as a shapeshifter continues to shift their bodies are frozen in time and they will not age. so as long as Jacob keeps shifting, theoretically, he’ll keep living.

          imprinting is a one-time-thing. Sam won’t do it again.

        • The males are venomous, which means Nessie might get turned into an all out vamp by Nahual if they share an intimate moment and he doesn’t bite the pillows!! And wouldn’t their kids be 1/2 human, 1/4 venomous vamp and 1/4 nonvenomous vamp? Or would the male be 1/2 human and 1/2 venomous? OR would the whole dominant recessive gene kick into play and one would be all human or all vamp or 3/4 human and 1/4 vamp etc. etc.???!!! OMG. This is too much to take in.
          And another issue, is Nessie entirely immortal (if at all) or will half of her die? Was that addressed?! PLUS, if Nahual is venomous, how the hell could his human half be alive? Does he have two sets of veins, one for venom and one for blood? I mean WTH, Stephenie?! TeamWriteAConsistentPlotline!!!!
          And if Jacob quits shapeshifting, he can always start back up again. Ephriam did, right? I think he should stop until March and then start back up again…or move to GA.

  30. Dr. Cullen is cutting italian bacon know as pancetta. The letters you guys get are too funny!

  31. I have srsly never thought about Edward & Emmett rubbin one out …UNTIL NOW!!

    …productivity has officially left the building 🙂

    and honestly, I would rather not read about Jacob’s HEA than read weird stuff that take place between him and a half child/vamp that will stop aging at about 13. Some things are just better left to the imagination 😉

  32. “Does the Vampire world have their own porn scene & he keeps a copy of Turn of the century sluts stored in his piano bench?”

    LMAO! That is just brilliant!

    Regarding the bush, I would hope it’s not a case of the hymen like Jessica in True Blood. That would just suck ass!

    • Right?! I couldn’t believe that!! Was that from the books or made up for the show?

      • That was not in the books, just on the show. You should read the books; they’re great! And Charlaine Harris does not “yadda yadda” over the good parts 😉

  33. Okay I was cold and sleepy last night and forgot to thank BROOKIE and MOON for all their help.

    And I’d love to take credit for it, but I have to give Moon props for “Turn of the Century Sluts.”

    The mag exists. And she is their star.


    Not seriously. I wish though….

    • I was just about to google it…

      • And of course I was the one to actually google it.
        2 hits: LTT and an article refering to a ‘novel’ called Lost Girls. Wiki says:

        “Lost Girls is a graphic novel depicting the sexual adventures of three important female fictional characters of the late 19th and early 20th century: Alice from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Dorothy Gale from The Wizard of Oz, and Wendy Darling from Peter Pan. They meet as adults in 1913, and describe and share some of their erotic adventures with each other.”

        Sounds like something our Edward would appreciate…:p

        • I’m so glad you did google it though. Now I have something to do before Johnny Depp’s Alice in Wonderland comes out.

    • yup turn of the (21st) century slut right here!

  34. UC,

    I’m finding it hard to believe that glasses and a belly button are ALL that you drew on Shadoward. There’s got to be a sparklepeen drawn on there. Fess up. Sparklepeen and little light flash lines around it showing that it in fact sparkles and is shiny. Okay, so if you didn’t then I guess I’m fessing up that if I had some that’s what I’d do because I’m obviously a peen perv. Fanfiction made me do it.


  35. Omg I just had an epiphany. If the girls have bush then the guys must too… ewwwww! I’m a very strong supporter of manscaping. Now I can’t get the idea of Carlisle, Emmett, Jasper, Edward, Laurent (yeah I went there), and James with their bushes. I need brain bleach.


    • Dude, you KNOW Vicky and Jimmy are TOTALLY au naturale…they are like two 70’s porn stars that got started out with the amateur section of Hustler.

      • Vicky and Jimmy!!!!! I was like “who?” lmfao!!! I love that.

        And for the record, I can NOT and WILL NOT watch that deleted scene where Victoria makes out with James against the tree. I saw it the one time when I was watching the deleted scenes when I first got my BluRay and REFUSE to watch it again. ::shivers:: Ew.

        • They’re dirty.

        • that was SOOO wrong!! that random make out. WTF

        • Me too. I don’t know why it bothered me. I mean I think Cam is totally gorgeous in real life, and of course I think Rachel is beautiful.

          Off topic, I just saw this movie ‘The Unborn” and Cam was in it, he was so handsome there, shirtless scenes too! He’s not pale and his hair is short, no ponytail, LOL.

  36. Amaze-balls! Totally amaze-balls!

    Anyway, I have one question to ask the author of the first letter. What do you mean by “shoreline”? Seriously though, I need to know.

    Oh, and one question that I constantly thought of while reading the books was what did Edward do when Bella was on the rag? I mean, it must have been HELLA HARD not to want to… y’know. Eat her then. (eweweewew! hahha!)

    • I have the same question you have.

    • Didn’t I hear somewhere that Stephanie was asked this before and she answered that that blood was ‘dead’ so it wouldn’t interest him.

      Gross all around.

      • That is disgusting. I totally didn’t expect that answer… *shudders*

        One more question, seeing as you guys are in the know, how did Edward even get it up? He has zero blood flow and blood flow is super important for baby-making… Is there soem kind of vampire viagra?

        • I assumed that there was some physiological change that would allow for an erection, but I can’t figure out why he would even need one since his body is already hard. My dream would be for us to have access to a drunk Robert Pattinson and get his theories on all of this. YOU KNOW HE HAS THEORIES.

    • I am so glad to know that other people wondered about Bella’s monthly visitor. Seriously, one day I was outside mowing the grass (random activity, I know) and I was thinking, “hmm, how does Edward, and the other Cullens for that matter, control their urges when Bella has blood flowing once a month.” It was at precisely that moment that I knew I had a problem!

      • Haha, I wondered the same thing! How embarrassing is that? Your boyfriend and his entire family knowing you’re on the rag!?! If vamps can smell the blood a mile away, surely they know! LMAO

        • Seriously, it makes the think “the paper cut incident” could have happened once a month!

        • I know coming in late…but if that were the case…HOW the hell would Jasper (or any of them actually) be able to go to school with all those GIRLS that could be having the same issue….I mean there is NO WAY he could be in the cafe with a bunch of girls during their monthly visit…right??? Especially if he can’t handle a paper cut..lets get real…oh wait…none of this IS REAL…

    • Word. Thank you…inquiring minds want to know. This has been one of my burning questions for a long time as well….

      Great post this morning UC with lots of unanswered questions. Love the one about the body hair….and the hair down there. SMeyer needs to get back to us on all of these important questions we all have!

  37. Thanks to some of these comments I feel like I’m in a seventh grade vampire sex ed class. I am ever amazed at how this little saga can teach me so much.

  38. Since I have managed to comment on most of the previous comments I am running out of shizz to say but I have always wondered about showering. Do the girls wear make-up? Do they use product in their hair? Since they are dead, is Alice stuck with her little pixie cut for eternity?

    Which leads to the bush…if they cut it, does it grow back or is it like laser hair removal? Once it’s gone, it’s gone.

    So many holes that need to be filled.

    • They do shower. Steph said that somewhere. Nerd Alert!
      She said they shower to wash off the rain and dirt that gets on them from the world but not they they would need to shower for BO reasons.

    • Yes they wear makeup…did you not read the books?!

  39. Maybe some things are not meant to be answered :-).

  40. To answer the question about body hair (yes, I know the answer…That’s Normal!) vampires’ hair doesn’t grow in ANY area of the body. They’re frozen the way the were when they were changed. They don’t gain or lose weight, their fingernails don’t grow, female vampires can’t get pregnant because their bodies can’t change to accomodate a baby, and their hair doesn’t grow. They all have the same hair they had when they were changed. They *could* cut it, but they’d better be sure that’s the style they want for the rest of eternity because it’s not gonna grow back.

    If you don’t believ me, Stephenine herself answers this question on the Twilight Lexicon (

    “And since we’re talking physiology…I’ve had tons of people ask if vampires can have babies. The answer is no. When someone becomes a vampire, it’s as if they are frozen exactly as they are in that moment. His or her (and we’ll go with her because it’s more central to this discussion) body no longer experiences change. Hair does not grow, nor do fingernails (if you cut your hair, you’re stuck. That’s why Alice’s hair is so short–it was growing back from being shaved in the asylum). This applies to all changes–so a woman would no longer have any kind of ovulation cycle. If she were already pregnant when she was bitten, both she and the fetus would be frozen in that state. Which would really suck–pregnant for eternity? I’m shuddering at the thought.”

    • pregnant for eternity….

      Holy crap yes that would suck!!!! I’ve only been preggo once and it was such a horrible pregnancy for me! I can’t imagine!

  41. I love this blog more than life!

    Reading this while working is pretty much the best thing ever. Oh crap, now back to work. I need the notepad for my desk!

  42. These are deep Tuesday thoughts, ladies.

    I, too, have pondered at the vampire hair. How it would suck to have one length, style, whatever, for all eternity. Think of poor fangbanger06, if she was stuck with the Kelly Osborne for all the days of her nonlife…

    But, the medical professional in me had serious difficulty digesting the sperm. (Uh, that’s what she said?)

    I mean, men can reproduce forever, check!
    But, once they are undead, and they are turned to stone, well, wouldnt they be shooting powder?

    Just like *poof*
    Marble-y, shiny, rock dust

    Somewhere, there is a guru that holds all the answers to the questions, high on a mountain top. One day, friends, one day


    • They shoot glitter.

    • And, are their lil swimmers eternal, too? Sperm dies when exposed to oxygen, but would a vamp’s “powder sperm” live forever… Not dying even when exposed to air? Hmmmm….

    • ARGH! “Think of poor fangbanger06, if she was stuck with the Kelly Osborne for all the days of her nonlife.”

      That sounds like my worst nightmare! Well except for those involving Voldemort. Those are more terrifying but only by a small margin.


      • LOL, I knew you would catch that!
        You could be frozen in time with Kelly Osborne hair, and I could be frozen in time with Rachel hair.
        Glam all around

        • The Rachel hair is totes better than the hot pink Kelly O. hair.

          Glam hair FTW!

          I use CTRL + F to find my name. Don’t want peeps talking bad behind my back. 😉

    • “Somewhere, there is a guru that holds all the answers to the questions, high on a mountain top. One day, friends, one day.”

      Yes, the oracle of Delphi can answer these questions! We must go see the oracle!

    • Would that also suggest that if Daddy C bit him during a case of morning wood, that he would be known as The Vamp Guy With An Eternal Boner?

  43. For some reason the phrase “Can you smell what the rock is cooking?!” came to mind when thinking of Carlisle in the kitchen.

  44. So, I thought that the reason Edward was able to plant his spawn in Bella was that when he was turned, the swimmers were still there swimming, stuck in a time warp so to speak. I thought if he shot a load, the swimmers would be gone and no more would be produced; therefore, he didn’t masturbate or he could not have knocked up Bella. He only had the one load of swimmers to shoot – he hit Bella with his first shot.

    MOMS, DADS, and everyone else!! Come to the TwiMILF Forum to enter our TwiPorn contest!!

  45. “It’s leftover mountain lion, but we’ll tell her it’s chicken. Capiche?” Way to keep the Italian theme, and just think, the mountain lion would already have been bled, they’d just have to gut it.

  46. Now, I didn’t want to be this person, but since we brought up turn of the century sluts, I had to include one of the pieces from my collection.

    Warning: This is Adult Content

  47. Also, if you recall the dreadful snail penis, this is where the idea came from…

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