Breaking down the REST of the LA Times pics – Nude Moon

Dear LA Times-

You might have heard (yes, you read us cause we’re serious journalists like you) that we broke down the pictures from your Hollywood Backlot series of New Moon pictures on Letters to Rob yesterday. And since they were so good we didn’t make it through all of them, so we’re back today to finish what we started cause we have mad follow through. Sometimes. And because well we like being discussing anything Twilight and seeing how random it can get.


Themoonisdown and UnintendedChoice

Miss the first half of the break down yesterday? Catch up here!

*Warning some of this isn’t for the faint of heart… or prudish*


Dear Cathy, lose my number. Thx, Chris

Am I really the Director?

so this might be my favorite pic. He looks like his has old man bushy brows and hes SOOO playing with the ifart app on his iphone
UC: what do you FEEL when you see it?
Moon: i feel like i want to hug this picture, i hope he doesnt let me down in November! NO pressure chris (since you’re obvs reading this)
UC: I think that’s what he’s thinking “what the F did i get myself into?’ NO one warned me about the fasting & the praying
Moon: or the virgin sacrifices!


Animal Sacrifices


How do I put this thing on?

Moon: OMG this one is my favorite. Such a WTF kind of picture. Just makes you wonder what poor PA (production assistant) has to put that thing on and get on all fours while they line up shots
UC: that dude needs a raise
Moon: maybe animal sacrifices are part of the fasting and praying they’re been doing and this is the evidence to show her holiness (stephenie)
UC: clearly. sick to the nast
Moon: wolves, virgins and PA’s died in the making of this film
UC: and so did a lot of cod. they were method acting and had a lot of fish fry
Moon: god its so creepy… it’s eyes are following me

Follow the cut to read the rest

And hold 1,2,3

And hold 1,2,3

Is this your idea of a Fantasy Sequence?

Ok how about this one… bella does deep squats in her dream on top of the sleep number
UC: now.. did you read the caption here? cuz it says “kristen stewart kneels on bed used in fantasy sequence” fantasy? like….. are we gonna see some fan fic action?
Moon: fantasy aka every fans wildest fantasy! There better be some unicorns and cookies. I wanna see her acting THOSE out: UGGHH AAHHHH OHHH
UC: or is this where they got the idea for that Twilight porno that just came out? and actually- it’s not porn actors- they just used the REAL Edward & Bella?
Moon: whose fantasy doesn’t involve a sleep number bed, in the forest with a dead wolf carcass lying nearby?
UC: I’ve never had a fantasy different than that
Moon: thank god i thought i was the only one!
UC: no- we’re weird twilight fantasy twins

throughthepeepholeThe Tuck!

Moon: And next… OHHH we have more from the “through the keyhole series”
Moon: chris just downloaded the Oregon trail app or app just for you UC
UC: hahahah LOVE ! Or he’s using that app where you can identify a song. Rob has “the mumbles” (as my hubby calls his singing) and Chris is seeing what it comes up with
Moon: Shazzam and the app breaks cause it cant handle the mumbles
UC: they keep saying it’s “Tuck Me” but he’s really singing “F-ck Me”
Moon: and doesnt know rob’s version of Dashboard songs and confused it with his penchant for tucking his nether regions

Lost: Beanie. Last Seen: in the previous picture

Lost: Beanie. Last Seen: in the previous picture

Lost & Found

Moon: Chris: “Yea the beanie was striped, and fit on my head, I ALWAYS wore it and now I cant find it. Rob, you you know where my beanie could be?”
UC: Rob: (starts mumbling a song)
Moon: Rob: “a beanie?! ME? NO! I have NO clue where a beanie would go or who would even want one!”
UC: Jellyfish: “I was brought here to STING the person who stole Chris Weitz beanie”
UC: Rob: “Beanie’s make your hair smell.. I Know. Kristen has one! Ask her!”
Moon: Kristen: “dudes, shut the ef up about your beanies and lets do this, I’m not getting any younger. By the way: I STOLE THE BEANIE! BABIES! HA! and i sold them for 10 cents to the Vancouver goodwill so i could get a new flannel”

Show Us Your Goods!

Show Us Your Native TaTa's 2009!

Show Us Your Native TaTa's 2009!

UC: i know.. oh… this must be the Wet TShirt Contest on the Rez. What’s it called?
Moon: Oh you mean the “Show us your Native Tata’s contest?”
Moon: she has the slutty tank on under that so she had a little extra oomph
UC: Rob is cleary watching the wet tshirt contest and Mrs. Clearwater just got up there
Moon: jacobs’s pissed cause he’s related to them all and can’t watch since it’d be wrong to get a boner to his relatives
UC: Edward was surprised… b/c he thought Mrs. Clearwater would be all saggy but.. she had a lift she didnt’ tell Harry.
Moon: and thats why he had a heart attack, but they never told the kids the REAL story! And now that Harry’s dead she doesn’t want to waste them so she uses them to lure Charlie in and to get out of speeding tickets in the mean time
UC: then lets Charlie rub the copstache all over them
Moon: sad bella’s gonna lose to her future step mom and edwards LOVING IT ALL

The one where I let UC take the wheel

Watch out for UC, Taylor... FYI!

Watch out for UC, Taylor... FYI!

Moon: awwwwww lil taycob is he watching Mrs Clearwater accept her award
UC: you know how a lot of people & bloggers talk about needing more “batteries?” and we NEVER do?
Moon: yes
UC: cuz that’s not how we roll? Well, I need more batteries here…BUT…
Moon: where the crap are you going with this? im kind of excited to see…
UC: it’s for my electric razor b/c I’d like to try to shave his soft skin.
UC: i just wanted to talk about batteries! Hahahaha LET DOWN!
Moon: I’m over here laughing and I’m totes leaving that in BTW
UC: haha i figured:)

What IS that thing exactly?

Cold hearted snake... look into his eyes!

Cold hearted snake... look into his eyes!

Moon: YEA Chris found his beanie
UC: And Rob found….
Moon: his puffy shirt
UC: the thrift store at the local nursing home? Circa the 1800s?
Moon: Wtf is that thing around his neck?
UC: a noose? b/c he can’t believe he’s wearing tweed?
Moon: limp dick? Really long used condom (freaking campers!)?
UC: hahaha
Moon: toy snake he made out of an old sock?
UC: omg!! I will suck up a pea in my throat! Stop that! I am alone! I would die and the cats cannot save me and Sam the wolf doesn’t know where I live!
Moon: type ANIMAL ATTACK if you choke and I’ll know to call 911 oh and use a hash tag so I can tweet your choking for the twitter peeps

The one with the Snuggie

Snug as a bug in a... well, snuggie

Snug as a bug in a... well, snuggie

Moon: bella is smart
UC: “Uh.. Mrs. Cope BEAT Me? I have itty bitty titties! Guys LIKE that”
Moon: she took a snuggie into the forest cause she knew Edward would dump her ass and she’d be outside for a while till sam found her so might as well have a blanket with arm holes
UC: omg she’s in a SNUGGIE?
UC: dude…. seriously…. velor jump suit! MAYBE chris has been hearing our begging and in the fantasy/porn scene, Bella is on her sleep-number bed in the woods next to a wolf carcass and then.. edward shows up in Grandpa’s finest and takes off that snake thing.. or that long ass condom
Moon: cause doesn’t bella turn into an old cat lady in her FANTASY/DREAM? and old ladies LOVE snuggies
UC: YES, that’s it! Bella becomes an old DOG lady
Moon: collects abandoned wolves names ALL of them JACOB

Uncle Jesse’s at it again!

When Michele's smiling

When Michele's smiling

Moon: Grandpa just pondering things like newspapers, wurthers and whether his grandkids will call him this week
UC: seriously… could his pants GET any higher?
Moon: its like the highest inseam in the world. His balls are begging for mercy… or rather saying “have mercy” cause his balls are named Uncle Jesse

Twilight Saga: NUDE Moon

bellabathrobeMoon: Shes pissed she lost the wet tshirt contest to one of her friends moms
UC: this is her outfit before the opening porn sequence since this ‘fantasy’ was made into that twilight porn
Moon: whats the porn name? NUDE MOON. Obviously
UC: obviously (copywritten Moon & Uc 2009) cuz you KNOW some fat porn guy just got an idea from that
Moon: for serious on sale in fine adult bookshops this November
UC: speaking of that… I’m out of batteries…..
Moon: OMG… here we go…for your electric razor? for Jacob?
UC: no for my vibrator. The one I use on my back…. I have back pain! What did you think I meant? Sicko!
Moon: omg the “massager” DUDE my grandpa used to call this neck massager pillow he had his “vibrator” and he’d ask us grandkids to bring him his vibrator. HA! I still die laughing thinking about that to this day.
UC: hahahahahhahaha that’s SO something Grandpa Rob would do: “Where are my wurthers? And Where is my vibrator?”

UC teaches Moon

You put your right knee in you put your left knee out and you shake it all about

You put your right knee in you put your left knee out and you shake it all about

Moon: scene from NUDE MOON?
UC: clearly the practice scene.. before the clothes came off
Moon: “purples cool, so’s missionary.” thats the dialogue
UC: I guess Rob lost that battlle…. there really IS anal
UC: Moon…. let me teach you.. as a married women… that’s NOT missionary
Moon: oh i guess she is on her side
UC: married women do it in the missionary it’s the way God intended and Bella is not a married women
Moon: so obviously she is a hussy
UC: she’s a girl in a slutty tank and occasionally a snuggie. The Sideward Straddle from Edward Paddle?
Moon: while he’s on one knee
UC: right… leverage
Moon: wtf is all that called
UC: the one knee F*ck?
Moon: thats what the mirrors near for if he needs to grab it
UC: and rip it to pieces
Moon: and show her proper positioning
UC: right
Moon: Wow this break down has gone SO downhill into the gutter
UC: “This Breakdown not suitable for Children. Or Stephenie Meyer”

The one where Taylor works out. Again.

And 1,2,3

And 1,2,3

UC: Taycob… always working out
Moon: 24 hr fitness opened it’s newest location in the vancouver forest
UC: he can actually lift that horizontal tree behind him to his right
Moon: those dudes in the back are cutting down trees to fashion an elliptical and weight bench completely out of wood
UC: if you hold it for 5 seconds, you get a free shake it’s rustic, but it’s empowering they eat roots for protein
Moon: the gym will be named in taylor’s honor: The Vancouver 24 Hour Fitness: Taylor Lautner’s Wooded Area

Bella on Bella action

No comment

No comment

UC: girl on GIRL! Nude Moon seriously is crazytimes
Moon: thats one big vibrator theyres using on that stick
UC: well… you saw the size of the snake/condom/tie Edward had. She expects a lot
Moon: these girls are professional, don’t come bringing just your every day machinery to the set
UC: in non-porn flick news, Kristen’s fake hair looks extra pretty here
Moon: SERIOUSLY love her hairs here

Bella loves a good deal

Peek a boo we see you!

Peek a boo we see you!

UC: Bella’s hungry here- look at her eyes
Moon: someone better get her a mountain lion stat
Moon: and her slutty tank top
UC: peeping through, is that lace?
UC: wow… stepped up to the $7 aisle in wal-mart
Moon: yea they had a sale on lingerie at the goodwill
UC: ah. that explains it
Moon: she got 4 bras for a quarter

Whew! We made it through another! What say you?

Really?! With Moon and UC at LTR
Break down some more in the Forum!

141 Responses

  1. Wow… um… wow. I haven’ laughed/cried/wet my center all at the same time in a while! Very distracting straddling pose… umh… where was I going with this?
    Too funny! Granpa’s vibrator… big vibrator on the stick for Bella x2!.. I’m incoherent..

  2. Note: My mind was clean and pure before I came to this site….no longer….and I might add…you have greatly increased my vocab….however…it has gotten me into trouble as most of the times I don’t know the meaning of some of the words you write and then I end up using those words when I definately shouldn’t!!!
    Sooo don’t know if I should thank you or not….just heart you all!! I just need to make better notes AND look up words BEFORE actually using them….

  3. My first thoughts BEFORE I read your commentary!! Definately 1st hand embarrassment..don’t even know why I am sharing except I am sick and bored…

    Am I really the Director?: “Damn my peez dispenser is broken!”

    Animal Sacrifices: “Caught the one that got Jessica S. dog. How much was that reward?”

    Is this your idea of a Fantasy Sequence? “Just smile and none of them will know I have to pee”

    The Tuck!: “Does Kristen KNOW you took that pic and can I PLZ use it in the film???

    Lost & Found: “Look Rob..I told them I wanted the REAL MOON but yah know there’s only so much I can do as the director!”(Damn actors)

    Show Us Your Goods! “So sick of HIM getting all the attention..he just smiles and they drop like I have to friggin eat a horse, work out 20 hrs a day…WHEN is it EVER enough, F…Him!”

    The one where I let UC take the wheel: “Seriously, I am gorgeous”

    The one where Taylor works out.Again. “This time I am aiming for his balls” (I thought it looked like a sling shot)

    What IS that thing exactly?: “Now Kristen tell Rob your really sorry for pulling out a chunk of his hair (to sell on EBAY) and this time mean it”

    The one with the Snuggie: “I feel pretty, oh so pretty…am I pretty..yes so pretty??”

    UC teaches Moon: “You seriously think Kristen can do this better than me?”

    Bella on Bella: “Now pay attention Rob”

    Bella loves a good deal: “See I CAN sleep with my eyes open”

    Please keep in mind these were just what popped into my head when I scanned through the pics..scary huh…so now you know why you two are my heroes..
    Don’t worry I won’t ever do this again….someone PLZ remind me that I said that…

  4. hahahahaha I m laughing so hard at this, the best captions ever!:
    Moon: “purples cool, so’s missionary.” thats the dialogue
    UC: I guess Rob lost that battlle…. there really IS anal
    UC: Moon…. let me teach you.. as a married women… that’s NOT missionary
    Moon: oh i guess she is on her side
    UC: married women do it in the missionary it’s the way God intended and Bella is not a married women

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