Breaking down the REST of the LA Times pics – Nude Moon

Dear LA Times-

You might have heard (yes, you read us cause we’re serious journalists like you) that we broke down the pictures from your Hollywood Backlot series of New Moon pictures on Letters to Rob yesterday. And since they were so good we didn’t make it through all of them, so we’re back today to finish what we started cause we have mad follow through. Sometimes. And because well we like being discussing anything Twilight and seeing how random it can get.


Themoonisdown and UnintendedChoice

Miss the first half of the break down yesterday? Catch up here!

*Warning some of this isn’t for the faint of heart… or prudish*


Dear Cathy, lose my number. Thx, Chris

Am I really the Director?

so this might be my favorite pic. He looks like his has old man bushy brows and hes SOOO playing with the ifart app on his iphone
UC: what do you FEEL when you see it?
Moon: i feel like i want to hug this picture, i hope he doesnt let me down in November! NO pressure chris (since you’re obvs reading this)
UC: I think that’s what he’s thinking “what the F did i get myself into?’ NO one warned me about the fasting & the praying
Moon: or the virgin sacrifices!


Animal Sacrifices


How do I put this thing on?

Moon: OMG this one is my favorite. Such a WTF kind of picture. Just makes you wonder what poor PA (production assistant) has to put that thing on and get on all fours while they line up shots
UC: that dude needs a raise
Moon: maybe animal sacrifices are part of the fasting and praying they’re been doing and this is the evidence to show her holiness (stephenie)
UC: clearly. sick to the nast
Moon: wolves, virgins and PA’s died in the making of this film
UC: and so did a lot of cod. they were method acting and had a lot of fish fry
Moon: god its so creepy… it’s eyes are following me

Follow the cut to read the rest

And hold 1,2,3

And hold 1,2,3

Is this your idea of a Fantasy Sequence?

Ok how about this one… bella does deep squats in her dream on top of the sleep number
UC: now.. did you read the caption here? cuz it says “kristen stewart kneels on bed used in fantasy sequence” fantasy? like….. are we gonna see some fan fic action?
Moon: fantasy aka every fans wildest fantasy! There better be some unicorns and cookies. I wanna see her acting THOSE out: UGGHH AAHHHH OHHH
UC: or is this where they got the idea for that Twilight porno that just came out? and actually- it’s not porn actors- they just used the REAL Edward & Bella?
Moon: whose fantasy doesn’t involve a sleep number bed, in the forest with a dead wolf carcass lying nearby?
UC: I’ve never had a fantasy different than that
Moon: thank god i thought i was the only one!
UC: no- we’re weird twilight fantasy twins

throughthepeepholeThe Tuck!

Moon: And next… OHHH we have more from the “through the keyhole series”
Moon: chris just downloaded the Oregon trail app or app just for you UC
UC: hahahah LOVE ! Or he’s using that app where you can identify a song. Rob has “the mumbles” (as my hubby calls his singing) and Chris is seeing what it comes up with
Moon: Shazzam and the app breaks cause it cant handle the mumbles
UC: they keep saying it’s “Tuck Me” but he’s really singing “F-ck Me”
Moon: and doesnt know rob’s version of Dashboard songs and confused it with his penchant for tucking his nether regions

Lost: Beanie. Last Seen: in the previous picture

Lost: Beanie. Last Seen: in the previous picture

Lost & Found

Moon: Chris: “Yea the beanie was striped, and fit on my head, I ALWAYS wore it and now I cant find it. Rob, you you know where my beanie could be?”
UC: Rob: (starts mumbling a song)
Moon: Rob: “a beanie?! ME? NO! I have NO clue where a beanie would go or who would even want one!”
UC: Jellyfish: “I was brought here to STING the person who stole Chris Weitz beanie”
UC: Rob: “Beanie’s make your hair smell.. I Know. Kristen has one! Ask her!”
Moon: Kristen: “dudes, shut the ef up about your beanies and lets do this, I’m not getting any younger. By the way: I STOLE THE BEANIE! BABIES! HA! and i sold them for 10 cents to the Vancouver goodwill so i could get a new flannel”

Show Us Your Goods!

Show Us Your Native TaTa's 2009!

Show Us Your Native TaTa's 2009!

UC: i know.. oh… this must be the Wet TShirt Contest on the Rez. What’s it called?
Moon: Oh you mean the “Show us your Native Tata’s contest?”
Moon: she has the slutty tank on under that so she had a little extra oomph
UC: Rob is cleary watching the wet tshirt contest and Mrs. Clearwater just got up there
Moon: jacobs’s pissed cause he’s related to them all and can’t watch since it’d be wrong to get a boner to his relatives
UC: Edward was surprised… b/c he thought Mrs. Clearwater would be all saggy but.. she had a lift she didnt’ tell Harry.
Moon: and thats why he had a heart attack, but they never told the kids the REAL story! And now that Harry’s dead she doesn’t want to waste them so she uses them to lure Charlie in and to get out of speeding tickets in the mean time
UC: then lets Charlie rub the copstache all over them
Moon: sad bella’s gonna lose to her future step mom and edwards LOVING IT ALL

The one where I let UC take the wheel

Watch out for UC, Taylor... FYI!

Watch out for UC, Taylor... FYI!

Moon: awwwwww lil taycob is he watching Mrs Clearwater accept her award
UC: you know how a lot of people & bloggers talk about needing more “batteries?” and we NEVER do?
Moon: yes
UC: cuz that’s not how we roll? Well, I need more batteries here…BUT…
Moon: where the crap are you going with this? im kind of excited to see…
UC: it’s for my electric razor b/c I’d like to try to shave his soft skin.
UC: i just wanted to talk about batteries! Hahahaha LET DOWN!
Moon: I’m over here laughing and I’m totes leaving that in BTW
UC: haha i figured:)

What IS that thing exactly?

Cold hearted snake... look into his eyes!

Cold hearted snake... look into his eyes!

Moon: YEA Chris found his beanie
UC: And Rob found….
Moon: his puffy shirt
UC: the thrift store at the local nursing home? Circa the 1800s?
Moon: Wtf is that thing around his neck?
UC: a noose? b/c he can’t believe he’s wearing tweed?
Moon: limp dick? Really long used condom (freaking campers!)?
UC: hahaha
Moon: toy snake he made out of an old sock?
UC: omg!! I will suck up a pea in my throat! Stop that! I am alone! I would die and the cats cannot save me and Sam the wolf doesn’t know where I live!
Moon: type ANIMAL ATTACK if you choke and I’ll know to call 911 oh and use a hash tag so I can tweet your choking for the twitter peeps

The one with the Snuggie

Snug as a bug in a... well, snuggie

Snug as a bug in a... well, snuggie

Moon: bella is smart
UC: “Uh.. Mrs. Cope BEAT Me? I have itty bitty titties! Guys LIKE that”
Moon: she took a snuggie into the forest cause she knew Edward would dump her ass and she’d be outside for a while till sam found her so might as well have a blanket with arm holes
UC: omg she’s in a SNUGGIE?
UC: dude…. seriously…. velor jump suit! MAYBE chris has been hearing our begging and in the fantasy/porn scene, Bella is on her sleep-number bed in the woods next to a wolf carcass and then.. edward shows up in Grandpa’s finest and takes off that snake thing.. or that long ass condom
Moon: cause doesn’t bella turn into an old cat lady in her FANTASY/DREAM? and old ladies LOVE snuggies
UC: YES, that’s it! Bella becomes an old DOG lady
Moon: collects abandoned wolves names ALL of them JACOB

Uncle Jesse’s at it again!

When Michele's smiling

When Michele's smiling

Moon: Grandpa just pondering things like newspapers, wurthers and whether his grandkids will call him this week
UC: seriously… could his pants GET any higher?
Moon: its like the highest inseam in the world. His balls are begging for mercy… or rather saying “have mercy” cause his balls are named Uncle Jesse

Twilight Saga: NUDE Moon

bellabathrobeMoon: Shes pissed she lost the wet tshirt contest to one of her friends moms
UC: this is her outfit before the opening porn sequence since this ‘fantasy’ was made into that twilight porn
Moon: whats the porn name? NUDE MOON. Obviously
UC: obviously (copywritten Moon & Uc 2009) cuz you KNOW some fat porn guy just got an idea from that
Moon: for serious on sale in fine adult bookshops this November
UC: speaking of that… I’m out of batteries…..
Moon: OMG… here we go…for your electric razor? for Jacob?
UC: no for my vibrator. The one I use on my back…. I have back pain! What did you think I meant? Sicko!
Moon: omg the “massager” DUDE my grandpa used to call this neck massager pillow he had his “vibrator” and he’d ask us grandkids to bring him his vibrator. HA! I still die laughing thinking about that to this day.
UC: hahahahahhahaha that’s SO something Grandpa Rob would do: “Where are my wurthers? And Where is my vibrator?”

UC teaches Moon

You put your right knee in you put your left knee out and you shake it all about

You put your right knee in you put your left knee out and you shake it all about

Moon: scene from NUDE MOON?
UC: clearly the practice scene.. before the clothes came off
Moon: “purples cool, so’s missionary.” thats the dialogue
UC: I guess Rob lost that battlle…. there really IS anal
UC: Moon…. let me teach you.. as a married women… that’s NOT missionary
Moon: oh i guess she is on her side
UC: married women do it in the missionary it’s the way God intended and Bella is not a married women
Moon: so obviously she is a hussy
UC: she’s a girl in a slutty tank and occasionally a snuggie. The Sideward Straddle from Edward Paddle?
Moon: while he’s on one knee
UC: right… leverage
Moon: wtf is all that called
UC: the one knee F*ck?
Moon: thats what the mirrors near for if he needs to grab it
UC: and rip it to pieces
Moon: and show her proper positioning
UC: right
Moon: Wow this break down has gone SO downhill into the gutter
UC: “This Breakdown not suitable for Children. Or Stephenie Meyer”

The one where Taylor works out. Again.

And 1,2,3

And 1,2,3

UC: Taycob… always working out
Moon: 24 hr fitness opened it’s newest location in the vancouver forest
UC: he can actually lift that horizontal tree behind him to his right
Moon: those dudes in the back are cutting down trees to fashion an elliptical and weight bench completely out of wood
UC: if you hold it for 5 seconds, you get a free shake it’s rustic, but it’s empowering they eat roots for protein
Moon: the gym will be named in taylor’s honor: The Vancouver 24 Hour Fitness: Taylor Lautner’s Wooded Area

Bella on Bella action

No comment

No comment

UC: girl on GIRL! Nude Moon seriously is crazytimes
Moon: thats one big vibrator theyres using on that stick
UC: well… you saw the size of the snake/condom/tie Edward had. She expects a lot
Moon: these girls are professional, don’t come bringing just your every day machinery to the set
UC: in non-porn flick news, Kristen’s fake hair looks extra pretty here
Moon: SERIOUSLY love her hairs here

Bella loves a good deal

Peek a boo we see you!

Peek a boo we see you!

UC: Bella’s hungry here- look at her eyes
Moon: someone better get her a mountain lion stat
Moon: and her slutty tank top
UC: peeping through, is that lace?
UC: wow… stepped up to the $7 aisle in wal-mart
Moon: yea they had a sale on lingerie at the goodwill
UC: ah. that explains it
Moon: she got 4 bras for a quarter

Whew! We made it through another! What say you?

Really?! With Moon and UC at LTR
Break down some more in the Forum!

141 Responses

  1. Oh . . . I just love you gals!
    Always good for a laff 😀


    • I agree! They are effing hilarious! I literally had to run to the little girls room when I read about Grampas vibrator.

      They should totally “break down” New Moon Rifftrax style scene by scene in writing when it comes out on video. And they should totally start with the commentary version of Twilight. There is so much there to break down… Not the least of which is how Rob and Kristen tell Cougar Cathy Over and over how much her movie making skills suck. End Rant.

      • New Moon Rifftrax?! Why haven’t I thought of that??? BRILLIANT!

        I’m going to start a petititon.

      • is that like a mystery science theater thing?

        • Yes!!!! MST3K is the best!

        • I actually bought the Twilight Riffmax… it is hilarious! The upside, you laugh (mostly at yourself of 2nd-hand embarrassment that you are a fan) until you sides hurt. The downside is the that now I can’t listen to Bella’s Lullaby without singing “I want to rip into your throat…”

          • I bought it too! Though I haven’t watched it yet. I’m technically challenged…

            p.s. – So, I totally sent this link to my boss in an email by accident.. Thinking I was sending her a link for something work-related. Um… yeah. Very good thing she is a fan.

          • I bought the rifftrax, too. I can’t see the “Edward in Bella’s Room Scene” without hearing in my head “Do you have our math homework?”

            Question, though. How do you keep it synched up properly? I was having a bear of a time which kinda takes the fun out of it.

  2. So I’m officially scarred from the grandpa/vibrator talk. Thanks for that. I’ll never be able to enjoy a vibrator (or grandpa) again! Kidding. Sorta.

    Yeah I saw the “Rob over Kristen on the bed” picture yesterday and was immediately trying to figure out a way to photo shop her out and slap myself in there (as well as was distracted by Rob’s butt. I’m an ass girl). Sadly, I know nothing about photo shop. Oh well.

    I want a Snuggie so bad. Just so I can say I have one.


    PS. I got my tickets for the midnight premiere last night. It’s normal that since my town was sold out (seriously?? WTF!!), I’m driving an hour and a half to go see it with my brother’s girlfriend. Right?

    PPS. I heart parentheses evidently.

  3. Do you guys accept dares? You should. Cuz here’s one for you: find out for us shy and prudish fans whether Twiporn has been made. Then report back.


  4. Epic post, ladies! Literally had tears streaming down my face.

    I don’t know how I’m going to watch this movie w/o laughing now.

    I hope Rob wears that condom/tie in the film. All I can think of is Long Dong Silver!

    • I have to admit I’m not sure how we are going to watch the film without lol at the wrong moments!! We’ve enjoyed so much humour here it’s bound to influence our viewing pleasure….unless of course we are carried away with Rob’s hotness and Kirsten’s acting ability……..

  5. “His balls are begging for mercy… or rather saying “have mercy” cause his balls are named Uncle Jesse.” <– I have three words for you "Cut. It. Out." This killed me.

    And @notanaddiktbella, there is. Don't ask how I know, I just know.

  6. That snake is Nagani from Lord Voldemort, he heard that Cedric was still alive (as a vampire) Edward is the new Lord Voldemort!

  7. I think Grandpa Edward has to hike his pants up that high to hide the Depends Undergarments.

  8. “jacobs’s pissed cause he’s related to them all and can’t watch since it’d be get a boner to his relatives”
    “Really long used condom ”
    “purples cool, so’s missionary.” thats the dialogue
    Hahahahaha. I know I’m just quoting again, but it was just too damn funny not to.

    btw. Bella’s knees should not get past her feet for a proper squat. It bugs me that they can’t even get the basics right.

    • If she keeps doing squats like that she should at least start taking some glucosamine chondroitin now to help save those joints.

  9. I haven’t read the post yet, but I have to tell you how excited I am that you felt you needed a warning.

  10. The first pic with Chris W looks like he’s rolling a doobie for Rob and Kristen to share with him. That’s why they were all so close and got along so well, they passed the dutchie.

    My faves:

    Type ANIMAL ATTACK if you choke and use the hashtag so tweeps will know you’re choking.

    24 hour fitness opened its newest location in the Vancouver forest!

    That’s one big vibrator for the limp dick snake condom.

    Effing funn-ee!

    You don’t know how hard it is to sit in my office and read these without busting out laughing. I am constantly having to cover a choke-laugh up with a cough. People who walk by my office think I’m the happies person with this grin I’ve got on my face while reading this! Brill post, ladies. Brill post

  11. I love the pics. Great fun. Lots of good wit.

  12. “Taylor Lautner’s Wooded Area” sounds like a euphemism for something it would be illegal for me to see until next February.

    • I totally thought the same thing! That’s Normal! 🙂

      • Ditto! And a thought occured to me. How much can Summit technically show off his body before it becomes child porn technically. I’ve seen at least 3 pics of him where my first reaction is “Shwin’!” then it’s “Oh wait, how old is he again?” then I quickly and shamefully click out the site as crisp images of Chris Henson burn my retina.

        • I agree! I have the same reaction as you.
          How many more pics of him shirtless can they show us?!? Don’t get me wrong he’s got an awesome body but I’m a lil sick of seeing him half naked all the time!
          Now Rob on the other hand…..
          *runs and hides from Team Jacob fans*

    • you get our not so subtleness! 😉

      and im pretty sure there must be some child labor/pron laws theyre breaking. at least 5

  13. Thank you for this:

    Jellyfish: “I was brought here to STING the person who stole Chris Weitz beanie”

    The end.

  14. You girls never fail to amaze me – YOU ROCK!

    and Chris Weitz is looking hawt in the first pic….

  15. HA! You always deliver.

    Ok, so, does anyone else think Kristen looks stunning in that last photo? That’s a beautiful shot fo Bella, imho.

    And my grandpa has way cooler outfits than Edward. Just saying.

  16. Ok, I just realized that these are pictures from NEW MOON…this whole time I thought they were from them filming Eclipse. So confused, maybe it’s because you promised nudity and there wasn’t even ONE picture of Taylor without his shirt.


  17. Remember in interviews when Kristen and Rob talked about them adding some scary Edward dream sequences that were seriously disturbing? GrandpaWard doing the One-Kneed Side Thrust while wearing a rock in a sock, sucking on Werther’s and begging for a vibrator MAY just be the scariest/most disturbing thing I’ve ever heard.

  18. Wow…just wow. You ladies are off the chain, lol. Speaking of batteries…where is the picture of topless Jacob running his hands through his hair? Yeah Imma need to stock up on some industrial sized batteries, so that when February rolls around I’ll be good to go.

  19. Funniest post yet…you had me laughing out loud…the guys at work think I’m crazy. Great post.

  20. DUDES, you done outdid yerselves, I had to put the coffee down before an expensive accident occurred from the laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!

    HIS BALLS ARE NAMED UNCLE JESSE. omg, I will not get over that all day. Thanks for the huge laughs. Luv ya!


    • I really, really want to tell someone about “Uncle Jesse” but I can’t bc that would hugely embarrasing and really, really hard to explain.

  21. What say me? I say I LOVE YOU. You guys are brilliant.

    1. The Jellyfish dialogue UC pulled out was maybe my favorite part. Ok, probably not. But that was nerdy and awesome and it really made me laugh.

    2. Hashtag the hell out of the “ANIMAL ATTACK” choking warning. I’m not too far away I don’t think. If you could just choke slowly, I could give you the Heimlich in about 2 hours.

    3. Uncle Jesse/”when Michelle’s smiling” – I have nothing to add to this other then holy effing brilliance.

    4. “Where are my wurthers? And Where is my vibrator?” More brilliance. And this reminds me of how my grandmother refers to my naturally VERY curly hair (which I straighten every day) as “kinky” ALL THE TIME. It’s awkward.

    Ok. Enough. I think it’s safe to assume I love and worship you both. The end.

  22. my breaking point came at UC teaches Moon—will spend the evening calculating the physics of ‘The Sideward Straddle from Edward Paddle’—can only hope that this won’t also be sth for physics majors—if so, will ponder what God intended for married woman & is it perhaps better to wear slutty tops & be single—you will thus have managed to occupy my mind (?) until bedtime in a bed which is neither my shoe size (#37) nor my piano (#88)—brilliant post, ladies—<3

  23. Brilliant!!!!! absolutely Brilliant!!!!

    Oh girls, what would I do in the morning without you guys?

    Thank you, thank you, thanks!!! for bringing all those smiles 🙂 🙂 🙂

  24. “This Breakdown not suitable for Children. Or Stephenie Meyer”

    LMFAO! Love it..

  25. “UC: JAKE?”

    —-That cracked me up!

    “Moon: whose fantasy doesn’t involve a sleep number bed, in the forest with a dead wolf carcass lying nearby?
    UC: I’ve never had a fantasy different than that”


    “UC: Jellyfish: “I was brought here to STING the person who stole Chris Weitz beanie”
    UC: Rob: “Beanie’s make your hair smell.. I Know. Kristen has one! Ask her!”

    —-Jellyfish! LMAO! Brilliant!

    “Really long used condom (freaking campers!)?”

    —–LOL! It’s a corn sack…..he’ll put corn it in later and put it in the microwave to put around his neck to warm up his sore muscles from the angle he cocked (that’s what she said) his head while hovering over Bella in her bed. Or he’ll put rice in it. Either or works. Smells funky but it works. Trust.

    “The Sideward Straddle from Edward Paddle?”

    —-LMAO! Can I partake in that please?

    “Moon: those dudes in the back are cutting down trees to fashion an elliptical and weight bench completely out of wood”

    ——I’m going to be laughing throughout this entire film thinking about these bits, LOL!

    • Please tell me someone on here has heard of the corn sack and that it’s not just a Nebraska thing that grandmothers handmake and give at Christmas time. LOL!

      • No, I use to have one that had rice in it and yes, it stunk…which is why I threw it away. I kinda wish I hadn’t today.

      • I have a corn sack. I like the way it smells, which is why I use it instead of rice.

      • I do, I do! But’s it’s a rice bag, lol. Sometimes they come with lavender inside so they don’t smell like cooked mac n’ cheese noodles.

      • My Grandpa uses one of those!!!! And he insists I use it too if I can any kind of ache, pain, or if I’m chilly.

        Now I will use it and think of Grampward. Le sigh.

      • a CORNSACK?! that sounds dirtay!

        • That is exactly what I thought. We westcoasters apparently do not know about the ‘corn sack’. lol

          • I love how many of you actually know what one is and actually have one! That is all kinds of win!
            I gotta say they work! I used one for cramps once and it was tons better than a heating pad! LOL!

  26. I love that the CopStache is being mentioned in both posts this morning. I feel as though I need to tweet some dirty messages to Billy Burke now.

  27. “thats one big vibrator they’re using on that stick”

    hahahah! You are hilarious!!!!!

  28. Ok I’m a little distracted by that picture of Edward straddling Bella on the bed. Rob’s butt looks really hot there….oh and his legs look so long and strong, never mind the grandpish looking outfit!

    His butt looks so yummy I just want to grab them….and, ahem um, that’s all I’m gonna say.

  29. Moon: Grandpa just pondering things like newspapers, wurthers and whether his grandkids will call him this week
    UC: seriously… could his pants GET any higher?
    Moon: its like the highest inseam in the world. His balls are begging for mercy… or rather saying “have mercy” cause his balls are named Uncle Jesse

    OMG!!!! I’m crying!!! you guys have me laughing SO hard!!


  30. UC & MOON:

    I am not sure if I should THANK YOU or BEG you take PITY!!!…YOU TWO ARE MY HEROES!!! 🙂

  31. UC: omg i will suck up a pea in my throat! Stop that! I am alone! I would die and the cats cannot save me and Sam doesn’t’ know where I live!
    Moon: type ANIMAL ATTACK if you choke and I’ll know to call 911 oh and use a hash tag so I can tweet your choking for the twitter peeps.

    Srsly? I lol’d so loud my cubicle mate just turned and gave me the stink eye. Damn you moon and oc! My Twilight nerdness can only stay hidden if I don’t draw attention to it. Which means not half choked giggles over shiz like this.
    Sam doesn’t know where I live! That is effing priceless!!

  32. Can we have the Jellyfish dialog more! I need to know about that jellyfish! I love him. Him and that crazy Papa Filet-o-fish, my fav two randoms for breakdowns.

    This was beyond anything….you gals rock my effing socks!

  33. you guys are making me laugh so hard. i have tears streaming down my face. and i’m kinda pissed b/c the mascara was on pretty thick today.

    our lines sound so much funnier when you guys repeat them seriously.

    And great job Moon- I’m gonna guess.. 2.5 hours? That was a LONG ASS chat last night and you cut it down well!

    I am sad you left out the part where i explained that i was eating rice & peas & corn since i’m a vegetarian AND possibly a poor boy from a Kenyan village. And then you asked to “sponsor” me for .14 per day. And then I said “SHIT. I haven’t written to Yesica in Columbia for 4 MONTHS” and then we had a discussion about why it takes letters 6 months to get to our sponsor children when they probably all use facebook in the local village internet cafe.

    That was my favorite part

  34. I tried to get on here earlier, but I can’t help it when people call meetings for 9AM? Don’t they understand my priorites?

    Ok, is it bad that everytime I read a post now, I laugh and then cringe at the crude stuff by realizing OMG Stephenie Meyers may have just read that UC called Robs balls Uncle Jesse? Perhaps it is because I am rereading the series AGAIN (3rd time for books 2-4)and the most Bella ever does is BLUSH and her heart rate increases. Her center doesn’t become wet, she doesn’t feel his growth. She just blushes.

    Sweet baby Jeebus.
    that is all…really

    • She JUST blushes. Best best best.

      Her “center” doesn’t become wet. Seriously LMAO!!!

      I gave been on a fanfic reading binge all week.

      I think “blushing” is Mormon code for the tightening. “Ungh”

      • I wish StephMeyer would comment, if only to tell us we’re sleezing up her story. I’d be totally ok with that. Normal!

  35. UC and Moon Bril, period

    I’m home this morning but I keep thinking someone is going to hear me laughing my ass off in here by myself and think I’ve gone crazy!

    The Sideward Straddle from Edward Paddle?
    Oh Gawd, I started snorting with that one.
    The padded wagon is on it’s way to pick me up.

    Can I type ANIMAL ATTACK if they bust through the door to grab the crazy woman and then you’ll know to call 911 for me oh and I’ll use a hash tag so you can tweet my histerical laughing for the twitter peeps??

  36. Y’all rocked it hard with these two posts. Y’all should take this show on the road. Don’t worry about funds…I’m sure Wurthers and Sleep Number could be sponsors. Thanks for making me laugh each and every day!

  37. Hilarious post ladies!

    The pictures of the bedroom/forest are so confusing.. And the ‘Bella on Bella action’..

  38. Boob lifts, copstache, sleepnumber beds, and a beanie snatch….not to mention:


    completely epic today. seriously.

    obird standing in her office clapping while saying “bravo ladies, bravo”


  39. Omg! that went down an unexpected road!
    Dudes I’m glad you remember the song uncle Jesse sang to michelle when he rushed back from lake tahoe when he thought she was sick and he was the only one who could give her medicine. My friend Omar (who is a tattoo artist and professional breakdancer mind you) insisted that the lyrics were “I miss your smiley” and he would sing it to me until one day I asked him about the song and he explained it to be the song uncle Jesse sang I laughed lot. It took me 2 hours to find YouTube evidence that’s he actually says “when michelle smiles” and to render Omar embarassed. This was like 2 years ago and he still randomly calls me to say he misses my smiley.

  40. “my grandpa used to call this neck massager pillow he had his “vibrator” and he’d ask us grandkids to bring him his vibrator. HA! I still die laughing thinking about that to this day”

    Oh my god. The morning of my wedding my grandma was telling us about taking my grandfather to get his haircut. Apparently they put him under the dryer and she said the ladies gave him a “blow job.”

    We all died. Grandpa turned red and said that cost extra and then laughed so hard his teeth fell out.

    She never got the joke. We told that story at her funeral. Grandparents are funny.

    • grandparents rule!! RIP PAPA!!!

      • My Grandpa was the one who said possibley the best man-reaction-to-Edward line I’ve ever heard:

        Grandpa: (Sees my magazine on the table opened up to Robward) Who is that girl with the crazy hair?

        Oh, Grampa. The best.

    • OMG! ROFLMAO. Actually I am sitting here with all the kids tucked in bed laughing so loud I am dangerously close to waking them all up.
      And I’ve got 4 kids – and twin infants. So damn you and your grandparents if they wake up, but omg, so effing funny!!
      I have a feeling I’d have loved your grandma! She and my Granny woulda been good friends!

  41. Wow. I bow at the feet of the Supreme Masters of Random Hilarity–UC & Moon. And to think I saw these pictures elsewhere and thought “pretty”. How did I miss Uncle Jesse, killer jellyfish, and sleep number bed fantasies.

    My favorite though:
    “dudes in the back are cutting down trees to fashion an elliptical and weight bench completely out of wood” I don’t know why but Taylor working out ALL THE TIME is just really funny to me.

  42. “The Sideward Straddle from Edward Paddle?”

    Can someone please write some fanfic with these exact words in it!! I would love you forever.

    Praying and fasting for New Moon and now Nude Moon! I could probably get my husband to go to one of those! I will let you guess which one!

    Loved the breakdown girls!

  43. My neighbors are probably wondering what’s up with the hysterical ruckus coming from my apartment. Seriously I am practically in TEARS over here. My breaking point:

    Moon: jacobs’s pissed cause he’s related to them all and can’t watch since it’d be get a boner to his relatives

    Then you had to go talking about the copstache, more “batteries,” Rob’s puffy shirt, ANIMAL ATTACK, high inseams (OMG those pants! ❤ them long time!) and balls named Uncle Jesse, then Grandpa Moon/Grandpa Rob's vibrator and how purple's cool, so’s missionary. You guys freakin' KILL ME DEAD. Seriously this is one of the most epic, side-splitting breakdowns of the LTT-ozoic Era.

    I would love to comment on Taylor Lautner’s Wooded Area, but will refrain from doing until I am either in Georgia OR it is Feb 2010. I'll sneak into the Forum at some point and show you my Sideward Straddle from Edward Paddle Christmas card.

  44. Hmm… sounds like you two ladies have been reading a lil too much ‘The Office’. Wait… no such thing as too much tby789.

  45. Regarding UC’s use of batteries: you never say it cause you still have relations with the hubs, no need to change the batteries on the VAMP. 😉

  46. You guys have completely scarred Cyndi, you know!

    “UC: then lets Charlie rub the copstache all over them”
    Who wants a mustache ride? I DO! I DO*
    “UC: it’s for my electric razor b/c I’d like to try to shave his soft skin.”
    Nine times out of ten it’s an electric razor, but every once in a while… it’s a dildo. Of course it’s company policy never to imply ownership in the event of a dildo… always use the indefinite article a dildo, never your dildo.**

    Um, so the KStew look alike must be the one who’s doing all the public pot smoking.

    *7 in heaven with any cast/crew member for whoever can get this reference
    **A full day alone with Butt Crack Santa for whoever can get this reference.

  47. I’m at work and have been on the phone for 40 minutes with our cell phone company….thank you SO very much for the giggles. It helps to pass the time when I’m in misery.

  48. OMFG, I’ve been laughing non-stop reading this whole thing.You girls really know how to brighten up someone’s day,thanks for that. Now my kids think I’ve Really lost it…and I have…that’s for sure…..but in a good way……that I love……okay I’m done now……I’m leaving now……….bye,bye.

  49. True Story: Ok, so it’s totally off topic and has absolutely nothing to do with Twilight . But when I read about the GRAMPA and the VIBRATOR, I had a total recall moment of something I experienced in New York about five years ago. Here it goes:

    So I was giving my grad school classmate a tour of Rockefeller Plaza (cause she was from Arizona and I’m from Washington, D.C., so I totes know my way around since I live so close it’s practically my neighborhood–but I digress). When we spotted a Sharper Image store and decided to do what everyone does when they go to Sharper Image– cop a feel of the vibrating chairs, of course. Only when we got to the chairs this old dude had had the same idea before us. Danielle, who is totes Steph.Meyer-esque about sexuality was looking mortified about vibrating so close to an old stranger… as there was no chair for me to sit I chose instead to play with the portable..vibra… er massager. As I proceeded to play the part of the worldly city dweller who is totally comfortable joking about vibrating sex toys in public , I noticed that others in the stores where beginning look in our direction and that the old dude was laughing and cracking jokes of his own for benefit. He was totally cool… for an old vibrating dude. Of course this only encouraged me to go on about the many applicable uses of previously mentioned portable vibra…er massagers (think Bubba and his many uses for shrimp in Forest Gump). Danielle’s face became exponentially redder the louder the old dude laughed and the more other people began to stare… Eventually, the old dude got up thanked us for the laugh and walked away smiling. I noticed that when he moved, half the store seemed to move in the same direction as he. I was just glad to finally have a vibrating chair of my own. Then one of the ladies who was previously gaping in our direction came by to ask me if I had gotten his autograph. When I asked whose, she said “Mayor Bloomberg’s, of course” . Yeah, I am still mortified. Anywho… that’s MY story about GRAMPAS and VIBRATORS. Thanks for indulging me with this looonggg story.


      You had a conversation w/ Mayor Bloomberg about vibrators.

      That is freaking awesome!

      • Seriously, I know this is cliché, but he is so much smaller in person. I mean, like not even 5’5″ totally threw me for a loop.

  50. I have been reading LTT every day for months & months and THIS post is honestly the funniest one you guys have written!! : ) LOVE IT!

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