Some suggestions for New Moon

Dear Chris Weitz,

I know you’re knee-deep in New Moon editing & have probably come across some scenes that are just “lacking” something- they need a little pizazz (and I’m talking about something more than a dance off between Newton & Yorkie in the cafeteria- although that would rule- thank me in the credits)

As a professional vampire blogger, I’ve spent way too much time watching Twilight, studying the art of Catherine Hardwicke’s directing (ahem) & making fun of things that suck, so I have some suggestions on how to ensure your movie provides us countless things to “break down” in the months following its release.  You may have to hire some new people and bring a few principle actors back in to shoot a few new scenes, but trust- it’ll be worth it.

Recreating “Spider-Monkey”

jailbait
Psst Kristen, watch out! Chris Hansen is coming for you

I know you’re not as quirky as the cougar & may want to keep the line writing in the hands of the screen-writer, but I think you can trust your young actors with no writing experience to pick their own lines. Catherine let Rob choose the wonderful line “hold on tight, spider monkey,” and look how well that went over with fans. So I think you should let Taylor choose a line this time around. You can just bring him in the studio for some audio overdubs & have Jacob say one of the following to Bella right before the almost kiss (Oh by the way, if that’s not an almost kiss, you might wanna hold on to the family jewels. Cuz someone will cut them off if you let that kiss happen)

“Hold on tight you little puppy”
“I’m gonna lick you now”
“FETCH… my lips”
“Arizona, how you likin’ my lips girl?”
“I just wanna try one thing…. Sit. Good Bella”

The Mike Newton Shine

danceoff

Newton & Yorkie dance off Take 1

I hope the reason you decided to switch from Catherine’s gray & blue Forks world to a vibrant warm brown-toned one was because the blue grays couldn’t contain the joy Mike Newton brings to the screen.  For New Moon, I highly suggest even more Newton & Yorkie screen time. Bring them back into the studio. Maybe you can incorporate a scene of banter between just them- perhaps a discussion on who has the better rack- Rosalie Hale or Jessica Stanley. And Chris, don’t disappoint- If we don’t hear Mike say “You’re alivveeee” with his famous Newton fist shake every time he sees Bella walk into Newton Outfitters looking like depressed death, I’m gonna demand my money back. Mike is kinda a dumb jock (minus the jock part) and obviously doesn’t know how to be sensitive about the depression Bella is in, so he needs to be unintentionally insensitive. Why not throw in a “Arizona- How you likin’ your tears, girl?”

The new Buttcrack in Town

RIP Buttcrack Santa vs.   Tequila Tom

You really need to give your audience a reason to connect with a character. Catherine did this perfectly with the introduction of Buttcrack Santa.  Sadly, that connection was cut short with his unfortunate death while singing a song about mama making a kitty ‘meow.’  Who’s gonna be the one who connects with us this time around? I’ll tell you who- Tequila Tomás- the Mexican immigrant who serves as an uber stereotypical character (cuz Mike Newton, the handsome white boy who holds a basketball and hits on the new girl, isn’t stereotypical enough)

Catherine kicked us off with a stereotypeHer ‘creepy guy who volunteers as Santa during the holidays in hopes that the teenage girls sit on his lap in short skits’ was okay, but Tequila Tomás, the only Mexican in a town of 3,120 who serves as the local landscaper, bus boy at the diner AND plays in a Mariachi band every other Friday night down at the VFW, is the way to go.  I have a really good feeling about his ability to connect with the audience.

I’m not exactly sure what the storyline should be. Maybe Bella goes to the diner alone & he comes over to clear her plate and looks in her eyes and says “Bella,” and she takes it as a sign that he’s the one who will listen to her sorrows. When in fact he was just being a creepy older guy and telling her she was “bella”- beautiful in Spanish.  But they bond & he offers to trim her bushes for free (again Bella misinterprets) & a friendship begins.  Of course you’ll need to kill him off- this will really ensure we connect with poor Tequila Tomás. Maybe he can die an ironic death after binge drinking tequila when he realizes Bella isn’t falling for him- or perhaps you don’t kill him off & just help us sympathize with him. Maybe he loses a leg in a lawn mower accident.  I’m not sure what’s a better storyline- let Taylor, with his new-found screenwriting abilities, make that decision.

Just a couple tips from an experienced vampire blogger to help you finalize New Moon. You’re welcome. All I ask in return is that you slip Moon & I a few tickets to the premiere in November & slip me a certain someone’s hotel room….. (I’ve always liked Mariachi bands…..)

Love,
UnintededChoice

Make up funny jokes about Tequila Tomas on The Forum
Call Moon a Rob-ulance over on LTR

Screenshots via LionandLambLove
Buttcrack Santa & Tequila Tomas from my personal collection (aka google image)

Cullen Boys action with a little Riley on the side…

Dear Boys,

It’s about time we devoted more of this blog to someone besides those two Robsten losers. A little too much plaid and sad and not enough HOT these days. So when I saw these pics of you lads today on Just Jared I about had a heart attack for a couple reasons cause well a. you’re all hot sauce in these and b. Jackson has a new doo and I gotta say it looks marvy. So marvy that I ran over to the forum to celebrate with the Jax lovers who congregate there. Don’t worry Jackson, UC may think you look like you have an addiciton to the bad stuff but I still love you. Maybe if you wrote an impromtu song for her about how you are a proud D.A.R.E graduate she might change her mind.

In any case I was perusing through these pics and noticed you were all carrying bags or food of some kind so let’s ponder what you guys ate today shall we? PSST This is really just a ploy for me to post these pics so we can all drool over them together. Let’s get started!

Eat your heart out Kristen Stewart, I could have been your Edward. Your lose!

Eat your heart out Kristen Stewart, I could have been your Edward. Your lose! Enjoy the plaid sandwich!

So clearly Jackson is the healthy eater of the bunch, probably got a 6in (that’s what she said) sub from the 7 under 7 grams of fat menu. Or maybe he’s giving the bird to production for making him wear that wig and went for the meatball sammy. Whatever it is, keep rocking that hot ass doo and maybe once this whole twi thing’s over Subway will dump that Jared guy and hire you as their new spokeswhore. Your commercial should be you riding a vintage motorcycle eating a Subway sammy saying “Eat at Subway and you can look like me! NOT!” and then you peel out and pop a wheely. Just a concept… we can iron out the details later.

No where to run to baby... no where to hiiiide!

No where to run to baby... no where to hiiiide!

Where ya running to Xavier? Got some leftover orange chicken from Panda Express you need to get in the mini fridge before it spoils? Yup, I feel ya… nothing like some shizzy fake chinese food to cure a hang over the next morning.

how YOU doin'?

how YOU doin'?

Is that a Zara bag I spy, Kellan? You just got 5 extra cool points from me, I love that store! So obviously you’re a manarexic since you have no food in your hands like the other boys and instead opted to shop. I know, ya gotta look good in that Emmett velor  track suit and can’t be worried about any unsightly orange chicken bulges. It’s hard to hide spanx under velor, I know.

So anyway I hope you’ll forgive our incessant coverage of Robsten 09 now that I’ve written to you and we’ll keep doing so as long as you keep bring the HOT. And the take out.

Love your faces!
Themoonisdown

Get down to the facts with UC over at Letters to Rob
Celebrate your love of the Cullen boys at the forum!

Unicorns: Where’ve ya been?

Rob-icorn

Rob-icorn

Dear Unicorns,

Oh where oh where have you been? Are you in unicorn land poking all the hottest female unicorns with your horn? It’s been so long since we’ve come across one of you reading Twilight to your son on a plane or wearing an Edward Cullen T-shirt to the gym. We miss you. Come back & visit us. Be like these guys:

Not Proper Twitiquette (but possibly okay during a Unicorn Drought)

A few weeks ago, I was at the local grocery chain, doing my weekly shopping. On my way out the door, I crossed paths with what I could only describe as a walking cry for help. A middle-aged, nerdy, rather-greasy man walked into the store, displaying his Twi-love for all to see. He wore a black Edward t-shirt, complete with quote, “What if I’m the bad guy?” His wife, walking in beside him, strangely had no Twi-gear on (unless she also keeps her Edward pin affixed to her bra). As you discussed, THIS is not proper Twitiquette. -Ldawg

Jacob’s into cars n’ stuff

Onto my Unicorn-in-Training story. After many months of plotting, I was finally able to convince my hub to just give the first book a try. Oh, it took many discussions on the merits of a teen, vampire romance as a metaphor for first love, forbidden fruit, all the rest. And a promise of some…erm…reward at the end if he finished it.

So, it was slow-going at first, but to my surprise, he actually seemed to be enjoying it; to the point when at night if I tried to talk to him in bed he told me, “honey, I need to read a bit.” Wow! Occasionally I’d get questions like, “What is Bella’s problem? One day she’s mooning over Edward, the next she’s pissed at him!” I even got, “Are they going to do more with Jacob in the others books? I really like how he’s into cars and stuff.”

When he finished the book, we had a truly meaningful discussion on it, and although he told me not to get my hopes up, he said he’s actually interested to see what happens next! Am I a lucky gal or what?! –Ldawg

Read more after the jump Continue reading

A Letter to Stephenie Meyer – Love, LTT

Sassy Steph

Sassy Steph

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

Yesterday, while UC was working diligently, enriching people’s lives by conning them into buying overpriced hot tubs (fine-she wasn’t.. she was reading 750 updates in her google reader all related to Twilight- you caught her), and Moon was in her bed on the west coast dreaming of Edward, UC came across your latest website update. This line jumped out at her:

So that’s my “How I Spent My Summer.” I hope you guys had a really good time this summer, and found some great stuff of your own. I love this world full of stories and songs waiting to be discovered! And I also love you, the awesome Twilight (and maybe a few Hosts, too) fandom. I stalk your websites all the time—you guys are hilarious (I recently added LTT to my stalk list; thanks for the laugh lines, ladies). I’m looking forward to seeing some of you in November for a little movie release that I’m excited about. Too many months to go!

Um… you mean OUR LTT?! OUR LETTERS TO TWILIGHT?!

steph-hot

milfy Steph

After she stopped freaking out, read through the gazillion emails, twitter replies and texts she started receiving congratulating us on becoming “Goddesses'” (seriously, those words were used. And we’re not complaining- cuz we’ve thought of ourselves as  Goddesses for quite some time) she started texting Moon to wake her up from a dazzle induced coma to share the good news. At 630AM. Ahem. Moon has never jumped out of bed that quick and hit send on the phone. Poor UC had to hear her yell “SHUT UP” about 10 tens before we could properly discuss this turn of events.  After hanging up, Moon contemplated running a victory lap around her neighborhood shouting at the top of her lungs “WE HAVE ARRIVED,” but she got winded at the neighbors house and had to take a breather. So we reigned it in, cause we can’t be having a fangirl freak out too hard on a Monday morning. Especially on a day where we posted a comic about anal and a totally fake account of Moon being Rob’s fake fiance, in detail. Uh, WHOOPS! But such is life writing for LTT/LTR.

So of course what did we decide to do? What else?  We decided to pen a letter to you, of course, this is LETTERS to Twilight after all, welcoming you to our little world. We have the following things to say:

1. We hope you understand all the stuff we’ve written on here and we’re sorry. For everything we’ve ever said (except for all the stuff about Buttcrack Santa, cuz seriously? That shiz was messed up. Let us in on the secret, what was The Cougar Cathy drinking?) But seriously, we love this saga! Clearly.

2. We love you. But can we ask you one teeeeensy favor? Can you publish the rest of Midnight Sun, we’re kind of under a deadline for some New Years Resolutions we made… and there are people who want us to fail!

3. You need to pledge the LTT Sorority: Wanna Tapa Vampa! There’s nothing like running around a high school in a wool pea coat to show your true devotion. Yea, it’s summer in Phoenix, Moon knows all about that, but it’s gotta be easier than driving from NYC to Forks in a Volvo WHILE making homemade mushroom ravioli, right? We may have lost the “bake off” to the Sisterhood, but we’ll get em in the end!

4. Twilight Tattoos – We’ve got an appointment next week to get our matching tattoos inspired by Twilight and well, there’s always room for one more! Whattya say? Explaining to your husband why you have a Buttcrack Santa tribute tatt in your bicep or a Charlie Swan cop stache tatt on your finger is half the fun! Just tell him “That’s Normal!”

5. Can you introduce us to Rob? You know… cuz, he seems nice and all….

6. This doesn’t change a thing…. Sure, we may cringe a little more since we know you might read when we’re honest, in one of our Twilosophy sessions, about something you wrote, or when we complain about WHY in the world you didn’t hit a certain director over the head when she allowed the line “spider monkey” to infiltrate your beautiful story, but we’re not gonna stop saying it. We are who we are. We love the world you built in all it’s beauty and imperfections. And we’re gonna venture to guess that might be why you like reading us though.

Now that we have that out of the way, a belated Welcome to LTT!

By the way, how did you find us?

Welcome to our little corner of the Twi-world,
UnintendedChoice & Themoonisdown

Debunk Robsten with us at Letters to Rob
Wanna talk it out? Head over to the forum!

Since obviously the entire world needs to know SMeyer stalks US, we’ve decided to create a few new graphics that we’ll incorporate into our blog.  After the cut, take our poll & decide which one we should go with
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Monday Funnies: Cuz nothing’s funnier than laughing at Twilight

Dear Twilight,

I’m so glad we can laugh at your expense. Cuz Lord knows that the list is growing of reasons why I need to laugh: Pics surfaced of Robsten having an intense argument at the Kings of Leon concert about who would have the most grease if they wrung their hair into a measuring cup; when writing about how I was scarred because I accidentally clicked on the snail & dragon penis‘ 3 times on Friday, I accidentally clicked on them another 3 times; I forgot Bella & Edward’s anniversary; I went to three cupcake places yesterday and all three were closed; Plus Cam Gigandet’s 27th birthday was yesterday, and I was really pissed cuz my “Important Twi dates” calendar had it wrong and listed his birthday as today, and then I realized instead of being pissed that I missed it I should just be embarrassed that I have an “Important Twi-dates” calendar. So, I need these laughs:

MondayFunny

After the jump- a little bonus Monday Funny: Continue reading

And the “Twi Dork of the Day” Award goes to…

Dear Twilight lovers,

I have to apologize. I really goofed up. I’m really nervous to admit this and I hope you forgive me.  Go easy on me okay? It’s been a long week and I accidentally clicked on the snail & dragon penis Moon posted Friday 3 times, so I’m a bit fragile. And plus with the news of Hughbert– Rob possibly being in love with a handsome Australian man- this is just the icing on the cake.  I was bound to mess up. You can’t be perfect for forever. And you have to admit I’ve been pretty damn near perfect since we met. Okay, I’m stalling…

I forgot about Bella & Edward’s anniversary. (cowering in fear) I KNOW- what kind of Twilight blogger am I? I should be ashamed of myself. I missed a perfectly good oportunity to give a “Twi Dork of the Day” award out to whoever remembered that fact.

Thanks to TwiCrack Addict for reminding me and being the winner of our VERY FIRST Twi-dork award! This means nothing except you have bragging rights. You can make people respect you more by saying “I was a Twi-Dork on Letters to Twilight- listen to me dammit!” (To be fair, Moon gets Twi-Dork of the day awards quite often from me when she pulls names like “Kiowa” (the wolf) outta thin air & the date when Rob signed on to Twilight)

Am I forgiven? Perhaps you’ll forgive me after I leave you with some anniversary images.  And my opinion on them, of course.

  • They are very well done
  • They are also very 2nd-hand embarrassing. Cuz it’s really Rob & Kristen. Not Bella & Edward. And they’re just kids, fooling around in a hotel room while Rob learns where the “little man in the boat” is.
  • But they should also hang on to the images. In case he learns where the little man is… and they one day tie the knot…

3248419441_c76b017661

anniversary

Edward-Bella-twilight-series-540011

There’s a debate going on about which anniversary this is. Is it 5 years? Just 1? Or 3? I’m really worked up about it. I really need to know. Just kidding. I don’t give a crap. Happy Anniversary Edward & Bella- I hope you feast on a big ass giraffe or elephant or something on an anniversary safari trip to Africa….I’m sorry I missed the actual day of your anniversary- I could’ve had Moon photoshop something brilliant in your honor- like you taking a elephant ride through Kenya and then after you’re done, chowing down on the very same elephant.

Forgive me friends…. I have… sinned,
UnintendedChoice

Celebrate on The Forum
Tell Rob Congrats on the wedding annivesary for the character he plays over on LTR

Annversary Banner by Everglow– who could technically get a Twi-Dork award of the day from Twicrack since they were the ones that reminded them of the anniversary! Pass on the Twi-Dork love!

3rd image: ivabella via FanPop

AmandDUH’s at it again – Decode!!

Dear LTT-ers, train wreck lovers and video enthusiasts,

Our dear dear Twimom video vixen AmanDUh is at it again! And yes she’s gone back to covering songs and wouldn’t you know this time it’s Decode by Paramore. I about jumped out of my chair when I got the notification she had updated and she doesn’t let us down!

Looks like AmanDUH’s invested in a make up artist for this video. Yup she got eyeliner and what I can only assume is a  tear drop “tattoo” on her cheek. Now where I’m from that means something quite different that being sad. Thats just straight gangsta! Did she get in a prison gang fight at the ladies penitentury and kill one of her homies? DAAAYUM Amanduh’s hardcore! I better watch my back, she’s libel to cuttabitch. But really, I’m just glad she brought back “special” Edward for this video, I was beginning to miss him and his hairline.

Enjoy! And uh don’t turn up the volume too loud she hits a few notes that only dogs will be able to hear.

How did we get herAH?
Themoonisdown

-UC dazzles us with some Rob goodness over at Letters to Rob
– create your own video and post it at the forum so we can all laugh!

Kristen & Taylor: The real life Bella & Jacob?

Dear Jake & Bells,

I think you have competition for the cutest friends that have ever lived:

Yes. Kristen & Taylor- or… that’s at least what Moon & I think…

Stewart-Lautner3_l

Friends? Or lovers....?

Moon: so now that we’ve seen this video….don’t you love how KStew acts like shes old and wise. PUH LEASE girl!
UC: right…. you’re 19!!!
Moon: I liked her at the beginning with the smile stuff and then she had to get all “old soul” on us and talk about cajones
Moon: WAiT TiLL YOU GROW UP A LiTTLE and shut it
UC: side note- I love in that interview at the TCAs when he’s asking about the teenage years and doesn’t realize she’s STiLL a teen, and she’s pretending she’s not… but also knows everyone knows she is..and it’s a big ol’ awkward turtle
Moon: it’s cause she acts like she’s 50. Be 19. Dude I wasnt that serious at 19
UC: seriously. do keg stands- leak naked pictures of yourself or SOMETHiNG
Moon: Kellan will hold your legs while you do a keg stand- he’s a pro I can tell
UC: he’s done a LOT of keg stands…and then spent a lot of time in prayer the following day
Moon: Taylor would 100% be headed in his footsteps if he was a normal kid going to college soon- he’s so that good times guy. Just laughing it up, joking around- he just seems like a good time
UC: I have a feeling Taylor’s read some- oh dang.. what’s it called? Oh yeah… Wild at Heart
Moon: Like Taylor’s the guy you want to run errands with you on Saturday cause even though it’s mundane, it’s gonna be a lot of fun
UC: he’s probably gone on the Wild at Heart conferences where they go into the wild & think about how to never masterbate again…. with Big Daddy, of course
Moon: well if Taylor’s read Wild at Heart than KStew most defs needs to read Captivating
UC: dude I don’t think it’s called Wild at Heart– I think that’s the movie about the horse & the blind girl
Moon: it is wild at heart and also the movie. and the girl’s version of the book is Captivating
UC: First off, I love that you know what movie i’m talking about. and #2, I recently sold Captivating on ebay, and I’m pretty sure the address I shipped it to was for “Bella Stewart” somewhere in Vancouver…
Moon: totally cried at that movie when she went blind! and he loved her anyway….
UC: so.. you’re right…. Kristen is reading Captivating
UC: TOTALLY cried- my fav movie when I was growin up
Moon: she needs to learn how to get captivating
UC: I haven’t seen it in years
Moon: maybe it’s wild hearts cant be broken??
UC: YES!
Moon: whatever I get the two confused
UC: it’s often that I confuse men’s books on how not to lust vs. Disney films about blind chicks riding horses

Moon: I want to see Taylor & Kellan at a promise keepers event
UC: with Big Daddy and Kellan’s dad
Moon: And Big Daddy will wear a shirt that reads, “real mean sing real loud”
Moon: oh Promise keepers
UC: tens of thousands of men in the same room talking about how sometimes they jack off to thoughts of someone other than their wife.
Moon: while Phillips Craig and Dean lead the alter call. And then they all hug it out at the end and pile back into the church van
UC: church jokes are fun

What’s this site about again? Oh yeah, Twilight. We get back to it after the jump… Continue reading

Twilight- Escape from reality

defining-twilight1Dear deep thinking LTTers,

I’ve been a bit down lately. There’s the looming reality that it looks like Rob might not actually be interested in being my on the side boyfriend and is shacked up with an 80s hairdo right now. And it doesn’t look like Summit got my letter begging them to cast me in a small role in Eclipse. And no matter how much I wish to be “17 Again,” I keep waking up way too old to become the girlfriend of Taylor Lautner. Yes, there’s all that, but what’s really gotten me down is the reality of the world we live in. There’s war, there’s typhoons, there’s terrorism & hunger. People with jobs & families are kidnapped, murdered and raped, and all the while I sit in my little comfy desk chair (that I actually have the audacity to complain about because there’s this little metal piece that sometimes pokes my butt) in my perfectly heated home with my cute little happy cats and my full belly, with food in the cupboard, clothes in my closest and money in my bank account. And I blog about vampires….. while the world around me is full of a pain and a hurt that I have no way of comprehending.

Yeah – I just went there – On LTT where we usually talk about Buttcrack Santa, Fake lesbians & ponder how many cheeseburgers Big Daddy Lautner can handle in one lunchtime sitting. I’d be lying if I said I’ve never experienced guilt for spending so much time talking and thinking about this blog about vampires while the world around me is crumbling. In the grand scheme of things, Twilight matters so very little. But then it occurred to me- maybe that’s why it’s so meaningful to everyone. Maybe we all love Twilight so much because it’s an escape from reality.  Stephenie Meyers built this world where we can experience first love all over again. We get to watch someone go through self-acceptance, see the bonds of family strengthen and old walls between enemies fall down. And the communities that have sprung up because of the Twilight world (ahem) give people the perfect place to go when they want to forget what’s going on in the outside world for just a little while…

Bella_and_EdwardI’m sure you’ve come across people in your life, just as I have, who don’t get it.  They mock your sudden interest in vampires and can’t understand how you’re so interested in a book series that is on the shelves back by the children’s section at Barnes & Noble. They think it’s something as simple as an obsession over a book. Sure- the story is captivating, and the movie happens to star a really handsome guy. And the drama that surrounds the cast & filming is pretty fun since it’s so high-profile now, but all that isn’t the point. The point is that it’s not famine and war and financial difficulties and a job hunt. It’s not real- it’s a world where we can forget what’s really going on. And I’m not sure it really matters what it is- it could have been a book about a pack of wolves falling in love with nursery school kids all over the globe, but it wasn’t- it was Twilight. (And for those that wish it weren’t, it includes a lil’ nursery school love story for you all…)

We’ve heard your stories. We’ve read your e-mails. We’ve gotten to know so many of you. Our hearts have broken and tears have spilled when we’ve read what you were going through when you picked up the first book. Every day we’re completely overwhelmed that a silly idea of writing a blog in December turned into a community where people have found friends that understand their pain and have the ability to make them laugh. We love that we get the chance to make you laugh and help you forget reality for a few paragraphs every day. Moon & I have stories of our own too. We promise to share them someday, but know that Twilight, LTT & LTR and YOU have truly changed our lives.

edandbellaTwilight doesn’t change the world. Twilight does very little for the world, but Twilight has brought us friendships & a community that allows us laughter in times of sorrow, excitement in times where we might otherwise be scared and a way to escape the daily realities of life, even for just a few moments….

Feeling a lil’ contemplative (you think?),
UnintendedChoice

PS: If you’re wondering if I’ve gotten a visit from a monthly friend, the answer is “She’s coming today.” x

Have you had that moment when you read a news story, watched TV or just remembered that life isn’t our little bubble and felt guilty? How do you balance something that’s been so good & healthy for you (Twilight!) with remembering it’s not all of life? Do you feel like these are discussion questions from freshman year of college?

Keep the discussion going over in The Forum
Yeah.. sorry… Kinda deep today- LAUGH with Moon on LTR

Art Source #1 and Source #2

Xavier Samuel, Welcome to Twilight oh and watch your donuts!

Dear Xavier,

I told UC I wanted to write you a letter since I’m pretty sure you still have a Google alert set up for your own name but I didn’t think I could make an entire letter out of: “HOLY CRAP, you’re HOT!” So since you’re a newbie to this fandom and since I’m more than willing to make fun of these dorks,  I thought I’d give you the 411 and the in’s and out’s of everything you need to know about Twilight. God help you.

Shhh they'll never know we're together! Let's wait one more week before we break their hearts!

Shhh they'll never know we're together! Let's wait one more week before we break their hearts!

First of all there’s there two…

Edward and Bella aka Rob and Kristen.

Stay away from this… stay far far away. Let them wallow in their angst and shirts from goodwill they never bothered to wash and keep right on moving. They’ll take the brunt of most of this saga and you should thank them. Send them a muffin basket or something and move along.

You might wanna watch out for Kristen, clearly she has a thing for boys with messy hair, questionable grooming habits and accents… you look like you might fit this bill. Watch your back. And take an occasional shower, that should keep her away.

taylorbigdaddyvancouver

I called ahead Taylor, they have a PizzaHut Express near our gate!

Next up…

Taylor Lautner aka Jacob Black

He’s the dude on the right. He’ll be the one lifting weights between scenes and drinking protein shakes while the rest of you get trashed at whatever friend of a friends band is playing that night. That dude on the left is affectionately known as Big Daddy. Watch your donuts around him.

Oh and uh yea Taylor’s 17. Ponder that one for a few.

Follow the cut to learn more Xavier!
Continue reading