Twilight fans in an uproar over news of Kristen Stewart nudity

Peek-a-boo

Peek-a-boo

Dear Kristen,

Who says we’re not behind you? Who says we’re always so cruel to you? Today’s post is a big ol’ “In yer face” to all those people who hate on us because we may have, once or twice, poked fun at you. Today we’re coming along side of you to tell you how proud we are that you’re taking a stand. We’re cheering you on as you say ‘eff you’ to all the fans who think of you as virginal Bella, holed up in a hotel room with respectful, caring Robward; making love by a fire, sipping champagne through a straw while taking bubble baths together and talking about the names of your future children.

According to a very reliable source:

“The teen star [Kristen] will play a young lap dancer and prostitute in James Gandolfini’s gritty new film Welcome to The Rileys. Reports suggest Stewart walks around naked in many scenes and was so terrified of stripping on camera she insisted Twilight co-star and pal Nikki Reed join her on the set of the film in New Orleans, Louisiana.”

…some fans-turned-critics claim Stewart has “sold out” and wants to safeguard her career versatility by showing a more adult on-screen persona for a change.

Standing up and applauding Girl, it’s about time you bore it all for movie goers in the 12 select cities across the nation who are privileged to a special 3 night showing of your limited release movie. And for the 8,300 people who will buy the DVD. And the 58,000 pervy men who will jack off to your naked scenes found at KristenStewartXXX.com (website ©Moon&UC 2009)

kstewcatfish

The Director told me to spin until the catfish flattens out into the other direction

I love that you are defying expectation and playing a stripper & prostitute and getting naked for all the world internet to see. It’s high time we see some more Twilight stars nude rather than just Ashley & (basically) Kellan. I thought we’d have to wait until Xavier, bitter because making out with a red-headed mom in Eclipse didn’t launch him to stardom, secretly leaks a sex tape of him & Justin Chon to Perez Hilton, but I’m glad we don’t have to wait that long.

Don’t worry about showing off your naked body. It’s not like anyone (aka me) will be comparing themselves to you. No one will even notice your small boobs in action cause they won’t be able to see them, and no one will bask in the glory that my boobs their boobs are larger.  I can’t foresee anyone getting excited over a close up camera angle of your thighs because they could potentially spot some cellulite or spider veins (or at least see the spot where they might show up someday.) And I know that one of the disadvantages of being a skinny girl is that the minute you eat even a grain of rice, you can see it protruding from your belly. But I doubt anyone will notice the fried catfish poking through your middle area that you chowed down on the night before you shot the scene where you’re swinging scantily-clad around a pole. No one has a need to find the inperfections in the woman who is most likely screwing the most beautiful man to currently walk the earth. You don’t have to worry about a thing.

But selfishly I am looking forward to finding out what the above mentioned beautiful man sees in you. Do you have a golden va jay-jay? Will the audience be able to tell the number of kegels you do on a daily basis just by looking at you? Do you have a nice little booty tucked away in those skinny jeans and can you shake it better than Shakira, Fergie & Beyonce combined? And what does Rob see in your small bosom (we know he’s a big jugs man)? Does Heineken come pouring from your nipples with just the softest squeeze?

I know, right? Two words: Photo Shopped

I know, right? Two words: Photo Shopped

I know I tend to surround myself with the best, the brightest, the least 2nd-hand embarrassing, the funniest, the hottest and smartest Twilight fans around, but who are these “Twilight fans in an uproar” that are upset about you showing off your 107 lb frame? I, for one, applaud your artful decision to bare it all. And I promise that after the reviews of the movie come out and compare your portrayal of a stripper to the flopping of a slippery catfish, you can come on over to your friend UC’s house, and I’ll show you how it’s done.

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Give KStew some love in The Forum
See what Moon pulled out of her magic hat for LTR

321 Responses

  1. I know I’m being redudant, another AMAZING post, today, UC. Wow.

    Are some people actually pissed at her for doing this role, saying she’s sold out? That’s ridiculous. Jesus christ. Argh.

    I will be guilty of this:

    “No one will even notice your small boobs in action cause they won’t be able to see them, and no one will bask in the glory that my boobs their boobs are larger”. Cuz mine totally are. But again, it kinda means some other things are a little larger too. *sigh*.

    And this, UC?

    “Do you have a golden va jay-jay? Will the audience be able to tell the number of kegels you do on a daily basis just by looking at you? Do you have a nice little booty tucked away in those skinny jeans and can you shake it better than Shakira, Fergie & Beyonce combined? And what does Rob see in your small bosom (we know he’s a big jugs man)? Does Heineken come pouring from your nipples with just the softest squeeze?”

    I am in awe. I bow to you.

  2. I just rolled my eyes so hard they were in danger of rolling away entirely. Are people really in an uproar over this? Was there this kind of an uproar when Ella Enchanted whipped off her top in Brokeback Mountain? Because, really, that needed a warning label.

  3. “Does Heineken come pouring from your nipples with just the softest squeeze?” HAHAHAAHA plse carry me away bc I am dying laughing my ass off!

  4. Am I missing something here??
    Is the misspelling of Justin Chon’s last name supposed to be a joke or something??

    Just curious…

  5. ROFL!
    I say good on her.
    And you can already see Xav Samuel kinda nakey – Aussie flick ‘Newcastle’. Def arse action and possibly frontage . . . just incase you wanted to know haha

    But yes, bravo KStew. Brave choice I say 🙂

    xox

  6. The fact shes playing a prosti-tot is a little cliche but i dont find it surprising considering some of the other movies Kstew has done.
    I think the craziest thing is: “(Kristen) was so terrified of stripping on camera she insisted Twilight co-star and pal Nikki Reed join her on the set”
    ummmmmmmmmm…… ok

  7. Heineken pouring from her nipples-now that is genius. And disturbing.

    I wonder if “Rileys” will be as amazing for Kristen’s career as “Showgirls” was for Elizabeth Berkley’s?

  8. Orange juice through the nose at the “golden va-jay-jay”….
    *applause*
    *bravo*
    *well-done*

  9. LMAO!! golden vajayjay, heini out the nipples… Rob could only dream of such a scenario.

    Two days of (photoshopped) KStew posts in a row, is that a sort of record for you ladies? I do love her photoshopped boobs in the last pic, you know those aren’t real…

    Loved it, thanks for the laughs!!

    PS. WTF is wrong with people that they call this selling out, it’s like the antithesis of selling out….

  10. Let’s face it..both Rpatz and Kstew are more than just the Twilight Saga. They are actors..this is their craft. Who are we to tell them how, where, or when to do their job? Silly actually..people sometimes lose the plot.

    Now on the other hand..I bet Rob already has the DVD 😉

  11. if she can get heineken to come out her nipples she need to share her secret because i would have a very happy husband. but i am sure he would want a better beer than heineken.

  12. You had me at Heineken coming out with a delicate squeeze.

    That sh*t is funny!

    And it’s kinda crazy for her to pick this as her next movie move. Clearly she’s trying to get out of the Bella rut, but the stripper role only worked for Marissa Tomei and very much did not work for others (Demi Moore, that girl from saved by the bell).
    Either way, I’ll go see it tho.

    • I’m not 100% sure, but I think she had this film lined up before Twilight, and she shot it right after Twilight wrapped. She didn’t exactly know how big Twilight was going to be, so she didn’t really “pick” it to be her next role to “get out of the Bella rut.” She’s a real actor and I say bravo. But you’re totally right, it could go either way. Either the critics and fans will love it, or hate it. I don’t think she cares either way.

      • yeah, poor thing wasn’t aware she’s getting a whole other fan base.. including LTT gals.. I’m really curious about your post when you have actually seen the movie.. I’ll be sure not to have any beverage or food when reading.. LOL

      • kay, so I just read the whole script…probably not the updated one, but anywho…LOVED it. I love the story and I can totally see Kstew in this role. If you guys can find it on the internet (easy), read it. I’m a total LTT-er, but I like kstew too…can’t I be both?

        • yes! tons of awesome LTTers love K.. no one is off-limits for the sarcastic making-fun here… not even big daddy lautner, who we love and respect

        • I am! I feel like when you meet a fellow Twilight lover, you also have to specify your stance on whether u
          -Love/Hate the movie (Love)
          -Love/Hate the books (Love certain parts)
          -Love/Hate Kristen (Love)
          -Are Team Edward/Jacob (Edward) 😉
          because there are different fans!

        • I’m with you Holly, love LTT AND Kristen. I read the script online and absolutely loved the story and dialogue. (Though the copy I saw didn’t have her walking around nude or doing much stripping/pole dancing.) Can’t wait to see the film!

    • does playing a stripper ever work out in anyones favor?!

  13. Hahahah! Oh, UC, I think you may cause an uproar.

    So, wait… We’re not talking about Ashley getting naked for MySpace pics? I don’t care to talk about it then!

    Missed you.

  14. LMAO “golden va jay-jay” …I love it!

    Sadly, my hubs would die & go to heaven if hieni poured from any nipples! He’d be flying to every one of those 13 cities, I am sure!

  15. Wow.

    Just wow.

    I will admit, I read LTR first today and while it was entertaining, I was kinda sad that I didn’t get a birthday’s worth of snark.

    This literally made me cry from laughing so hard.

    Thanks!!

    P.S. Things My Husband Says About Rob #54:

    Hubs: I wanted to do something big for your birthday at work. I looked into flowers, cake, a stripper-gram…but nothing seemed right. Then, I figured it out.
    Zees: What is it?
    Hubs: I found this guy in Connecticut. He looks like Rob and I wanted to hire him to come to your office.
    Zees: He’s a Rob-stripper?
    Hubs: No! He comes in, wishes you a Happy Birthday in a British accent, smokes in your face and then spills cheap beer on you.

    I’m PRETTY sure he was kidding, but if anyone knows of Rob-necticut, let me know. :p

  16. Hey busty,
    As a member of the itty Bitty titty committee with my lezzie life partner, Pros3, we must say: Shove it. Us itty bitties, will continue to rock our summer dresses braless, cause we can.

    Okay, can’t keep up the front, loved the post. Ps, my va jay jay is platinum.

    No need for Kegels for me, I’m a born again virgin (and proud?)

  17. Selling out? I’m confused…. Isn’t this the complete opposite of selling out? Wouldn’t taking the role as Bella in a major blockbuster picture after doing indie’s for years be selling out instead? Not that I think it is, but if there are people out there making that argument they may as well at least TRY to make sense.

    Btw, these are some of the finest words to ever be uttered on the interwebs:
    Do you have a golden va jay-jay?
    Does Heineken come pouring from your nipples with just the softest squeeze?

    Awaiting the Xavier Samuel/Justin Chon tape with baited breath…

  18. I think we’re missing the point here. This movie cannot be in the least bit realistic. In what alternate universe would any strip club employ a 110 lb. pasty white chick with small B cups? The LifeBlood Mobile Unit isn’t even into that shit.

    • “The LifeBlood Mobile Unit isn’t even into that shit.”

      I just snorted so loud lauging at this shiz that my daughter called me a donkey.

  19. She is going to deserve a freaking Oscar…why?

    She has to do love scenes with James Gandolfini.

    AWARD WINNING!!!!

    PS…the boobs in the last picture look helped with Chicken Cutlets and Duck Tape.

    • “love scenes with James Gandolfini”

      god please no… i hope they don’t show that because the last time i was so appalled by such an awkward pairing was sarah michelle gellar and alec baldwin in suburban girl.

  20. I get the uproar. It’s because Kristen is tainting that perfect goody goody reputation of hers that she has so carefully maintained to this point, of course. 😉

    RickRoll’d!!!!!!!

  21. “And I know that one of the disadvantages of being a skinny girl is that the minute you eat even a grain of rice, you can see it protruding from your belly.”

    I laughed so hard(with tears) after reading that!!! LOL

    Ok she’s 107? Wow she’s skinny! Isn’t she like 5’6 or something? I’m 107 but I’m shorter than her! We have similar body but wow she’s skinny!

    I can’t say much on the boobage since mine’s small too, even after having a baby and breastfeeding (that was the only time it got significantly bigger). I guess I’m not Rob’s type then. LOL

  22. Pure brilliance. sigh…what the hell DOES she have that he likes???? Must be her personality…hahahahahahahahahahaha.

  23. Mark my words – it’s gonna be an Oscar worthy performance!!!

  24. Good for Kristen. I’ll tell her the same thing I tell my daughters*: If you’re going to strip, do it while you’re young. You can always go to college when you’re fifty, but no one will want to see you naked and hanging upside down from a pole by then.

    *I absolutely DO NOT tell my daughters this.

  25. you guys kill me. love it.

    yes- i think she did this movie right before shooting Twi- OR.. actually.. it might have been right after Twi…. And I’m not even sure the nudity is confirmed… that ‘source’ doesn’t’ seem very reliable…

    but the Heineken coming out of her nipples thing? that’s true…

  26. Ha. WIN today, girls. Total win.
    She did film this right after Twilight, though. I remember reading some article where they were interviewing her in New Orleans while it was filming. I didn’t know about Niki, though.
    If that’s true, the Rob mystery is solved. He’s dating KStew b/c he can get Niki to join in any time (The Paris thing is clearly only for the fancy necklaces and $1,000 sweat pants he buys her) so he’s living the man dream – two young chicks at a time with no complaining from either.

  27. I, too, will bask in the glory that my boobs are bigger (though I wish they were smaller).

    And I will get angry at the fact that she has non-existent thighs and curse her with the fire of a thousand suns!

    Don’t you worry, Kristen. I’ll be seeing it in MY select city and will report back for my ladies.

    Is it weird that I’d rather see this and I haven’t seen The Tuck and have no desire to?

    Hmmmm….

    😛

    • Marta, I am happy to take on you extra boobage, although i don’t think yours are too big.

      And I’ve been talking way too much about boobies lately. I have boob envy.

  28. They filmed part of that movie locally here (I live in Louisiana north of New Orleans) and girls were lined up wanting to get a glimpse of her. BUT she wasn’t in those scenes. REJECTION fan girls. Eat that and now get out the damn road. You’re blocking traffic.

  29. Damn Kristen .. How low can you go to show that you’re not Bella .. We get it !
    But Honey you’ll always be Bella even after 108 years from now .. So nice Try sweetie 😛

  30. I AM IN AN UPROAR!

  31. Given the fact that she went as far as having a mullet for her impersonation of Joan Jett, I’d say she’s going for the boob job this time. Rob found out about that during the weekend before the Teen Choice Awards, Summit is giving her a raise of 100.000$ per ounce for Breaking Down. Taylor Launder is trying to get the Eclipse sleeping bag scene rescheduled… and Nikki is just being a jealous bitch as always.

  32. What surgeon do I need to see to get a “golden va-jay-jay” and heine out my nipples! They can do this now right!?

    Seriously, how did you not say something about NReed being on set when she is stripping or are you saving that for a future post?

  33. Does anyone else find it totally surprising that Kristen was okay with shooting less than clothed? I mean, I don’t know if the final movie will show anything significant (and I seriously hope it does not and she’s obstructed by random things), but she seems like she’s way modest about her body. I’ve read interviews where she’s said things like how she doesn’t even like to wear tight jeans and in the Twilight commentary she’s embarrassed about short shorts and her behind showing up on screen.

    The script for WTTR is all over the internet. I haven’t read it myself and I have no idea how accurate it is, but I’ve read people’s comments on the script and it’s all great reviews and they understand why Kristen picked the role because apparently it’s way more than just being a stripper. Hope that’s true because I was one of the 14 people that saw that Lindsay Lohan movie where she played a stripper and that was just ridiculously unnecessary.

    I like that Kristen just goes for roles she connects with but you know they’ll be gross oglers that go to see the movie for the wrong reason. Why do I feel slightly protective over someone I don’t know, I have no clue. And I also wrote way more than I originally intended 🙂

    • I said this earlier, but I just read the script and it is awesome. I think she’ll do great in the role. And it is way more than being a stripper, although it has great potential to backfire if the acting is not good.

  34. OMF!! I can’t stop laughing.. “Golden va-jay-jay” BWAAHHHAHAHA!!

    I don’t dislike her.. I really really don’t.. I just don’t get her. Maybe I’m not smart enough, or evolved enough.. I just don’t get her… taking your cloths off for a stripper movie at her age… never a good thing.. I mean come on… the mystery is gone before she is 20. (although I’m pretty sure I know what a 2×4 looks like) (OUCH!)

    Thanks for the laugh… and hey Kristen, now worries, I know ,I know, skinny girls need love too 🙂

  35. Oh, all the skinny girl hate. I’m going to go take my tiny self and cry in a corner.

  36. “Does Heineken come pouring from your nipples with just the softest squeeze?”

    Well I don’t know about hers but they do from mine! 😉

    LOL!

  37. Meow!

    Doesn’t matter how snarky all of you are, she has him, you don’t. She won. Get over it.

    At least you all are a comfort to each other. You can at least revel in that.

  38. You sound like one jealous b***h! Do you really think you would even stand a chance with Rob? LOL LOL LOL Rob loves Kristen for more than her “small boobs” and her great ass. He loves her soul. You just showed us yours and it’s a little green.

  39. *new name alert*

    K-Nude!

    • Putting this here too, because, honestly, I think it is too good to be on the second page:

      *Better, Newer Name Alert*

      Boob Boob Stewart

  40. Obviously Rob likes Kristen the way she is and I must say I feel a tinge of jealousy coming from your post that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Kristen will be great in this role !

  41. Just to inform you all… She SIGNED up to for this movie BEFORE doing twilight and she has already FINISHED filming the movie so please stop with the erroneous “She wants to prove she is not Bella .” People who say they can’t see why Rob is with her are delusional as if they are better choices. It’s crazy fans like these who sensationalize them to the point of Rob being scared to even step outside is what is beyond strange and disturbing.

    If they are together let them be. Respect them if they aren’t.

  42. Props to KStew from me and all my homegirls at the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. I guess our scintillating wit, dry humor and book smarts do pay off in the end. Enjoy screwing the most beautiful man alive K, and thanks for taking a big sparkly one for the team. Bitch.

  43. this is just so LMAO!!!!

    golden va jay jay FTW!

    Its like “sparkle peen meet the golden va jay jay”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    another great post UC!!!!

  44. UC – Your replies make me want to fake lesbian kiss you all over!!!

    Ok, found a synopsis of the movie:

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1183923/synopsis

    I am more than a little disturbed at all the nudity that she will have to do…however, her acting will be about like it usually is.

    meh.

  45. “No one has a need to find the inperfections in the woman who is most likely screwing the most beautiful man to currently walk the earth. You don’t have to worry about a thing.”

    Yeah, Stewie. No need to worry about that. AT ALL.

    “Does Heineken come pouring from your nipples with just the softest squeeze?”

    Welcome to my new mission in life. Thanks for the inspiration!

  46. Firstly, GAH UC you’re sooooooo meaaaaaaan and JEALOUS. I’m so going to ice you in the lunchroom and not sit next to you in homeroom because of this!

    Secondly, Kristen Stewart HAS NO ASS. I have no idea what optical illusion some of you see but IT’S A MIRAGE. There is no ASS. Therefore it cannot be ‘nice’. This is nothing against KS, it just is. Such is life. We all have cards dealt to us…some get the ass card, some even double down and some bust before they’re in the game. She busted. No ass.

    Thirdly, the lack of acceptance for the snark that is this blog continues to astound.

    Lastly, you can have an opinion and not be jealous. Being jealous would imply you want to BE that person. I enjoy my ass, being able to drink legally and not having a mullet. Let’s be honest, who sees her and goes “WOW, that right there?! She could SO pull off a stripper!” What strip clubs have YOU been to lately? Plus, with all the people up her ass because she’s just so freakin super deduper duperity AWESOME in EVERY SINGLE ROLE she does!!!!!!, there needs to be a balance.

  47. I think this is gonna b a great movie.Rob likes STOLICHNAYA VOCDCA. U R great KStew,show em what ur workin with!!

    • are you sure you didnt drink the “STOLICHNAYA VOCDCA” before commenting?

      #drunkcomment!

      i LOVE

  48. I may be wrong but….shouldn’t the caption on the first picture be “Peek a boobie” ?

  49. Not sure why ppl come here if they don’t have a sense of humor. We all love us some Twilight. As my redneck brother would say: “That’s funny. Don’t care who you are.”

  50. Maybe we should amend it, “That’s funny. Don’t care who you are. Or what fantastic piece of man you are currently knocking socks with.”
    Come on, ppl. It’s funny! Do as Rob would do. Go take like half a valium and STFU. UC and Moon rule!

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