Xavier Samuel, Welcome to Twilight oh and watch your donuts!

Dear Xavier,

I told UC I wanted to write you a letter since I’m pretty sure you still have a Google alert set up for your own name but I didn’t think I could make an entire letter out of: “HOLY CRAP, you’re HOT!” So since you’re a newbie to this fandom and since I’m more than willing to make fun of these dorks,  I thought I’d give you the 411 and the in’s and out’s of everything you need to know about Twilight. God help you.

Shhh they'll never know we're together! Let's wait one more week before we break their hearts!

Shhh they'll never know we're together! Let's wait one more week before we break their hearts!

First of all there’s there two…

Edward and Bella aka Rob and Kristen.

Stay away from this… stay far far away. Let them wallow in their angst and shirts from goodwill they never bothered to wash and keep right on moving. They’ll take the brunt of most of this saga and you should thank them. Send them a muffin basket or something and move along.

You might wanna watch out for Kristen, clearly she has a thing for boys with messy hair, questionable grooming habits and accents… you look like you might fit this bill. Watch your back. And take an occasional shower, that should keep her away.


I called ahead Taylor, they have a PizzaHut Express near our gate!

Next up…

Taylor Lautner aka Jacob Black

He’s the dude on the right. He’ll be the one lifting weights between scenes and drinking protein shakes while the rest of you get trashed at whatever friend of a friends band is playing that night. That dude on the left is affectionately known as Big Daddy. Watch your donuts around him.

Oh and uh yea Taylor’s 17. Ponder that one for a few.

Follow the cut to learn more Xavier!

And next…


The cast that travels together stays together!

That chick in front of you is the new Victoria. Since you’re her new boytoy, I’m sure you heard a bit about the brouhaha that surrounded the sudden dismissal of Rachelle, the old Victoria, and the hiring of Opie’s daughter. Learn something from her situation: DON’T SCHEDULE ANYTHING during the filming of Eclipse!

The doofus next to you is Kellan, he plays the doofus Emmett! Typecasting rules, no? If you’re ever having impure thoughts and feel the need to “lay your burdens down,” this is your guy. He may even offer to give you his copy of the Purpose Driven Life and counsel you through this rough time. What a pal!


Beeeeeeetch please!

That hot chick to your left is our BFF, Ashley Greene, you might have been perusing the interwebs and saw some picture of her all nakey like. Just remember: her eyes are UP HERE!

Next up…

This little slice of sunshine is Nikki Reed, aka Rosalie Hale aka one crazzzzy biotch. She’s on again, off again friends with KStew and sometimes ef buddy with Mr. Pattinson. Whatever you do don’t mention the terms “third wheel, ” “nepotism,” or “Paris Hilton” around her. TRUST! Oh and if you happen to have to kiss her or do any other sort of skin-to-skin contact make sure you get the Hep C vaccine… you never know where her boyfriend’s been. Well… actually we do.

A-n-i-m-a-l A-t-t-a-c-k-!

A-n-i-m-a-l A-t-t-a-c-k-!

The dude next to you is Peter Facinelli aka Carlisle, aka MIKE DEXTER!

This dude drives an RV and is married to Jenny Garth that chick from 90210. Ask your sister. Never bet this guy, you might end up dancing in a bikini on Hollywood Blvd and as much as we’d love to see that (ok, not really), I’m sure you’d like to continue being an actor.

AAANnnddd lastly (for today) this is Jackson Rathboner aka Jasper aka the dude who got screwed by the wig department in New Moon.

Yea the dude in the glasses with the catfish-style facial hair!

Yea the dude in the glasses with the catfish-style facial hair!

If he asks you to sit in on an impromptu jam session or come listen to his ‘garage band’ play some night in Vancouver, politely decline, feign food poisoning from catering, deafness, whatever you need to do but do NOT go! You may end up in a banana costume in the back of a 15 passenger van. And you do NOT want to be “Xavier the NEW bananager!”

So with these handy dandy tips you are on your way to becoming part of the Twilight phenomenon! Oh and HOLY CRAP YOU’RE HOT!!

See I could write a letter out of that!

PS So what would you tell Xavier about Twilight?
PPS dude, can we get a REAL picture of you, Xavier?!

UC and Rob text up a storm over at Letters to Rob
Wanna talk it out some more? Head over to the Forum for our daily discussion, some milfy good times for moms, all the best videos and anything else you can think of!

Pictures: Lainey, Twicrack, some other places I can’t remember

*edit, only took me till 330PST to realize i forgot poor jackson’s pics! HA! i rule at blogging*

103 Responses

  1. I’d tell him to bring his new friends back home here to Australia. Please. For me.

    Hehe another fab letter, Moon 🙂

    Jayde xox

    • For all of us, my friend. For all of us.

      He’s the best thing to come out of Adelaide since… liver damage after a wineries tour? Anthony LaPaglia? (yes I totally had to google celebrities born in Adelaide, and Mr Without A Trace A-League soccer player was the only one I recognised).

      Come visit the city of churches, Twilight cast! We’ll show you just how bad a nightclub called ‘Heaven’ can be! We can also show you just how many of those churches are now nightclubs themselves, with names like ‘The Church’, ‘The Cathedral’ and ‘The Nunnery’ (ok I might have made the last one up)


  2. Umm, I would have been totally ok with an entire letter of “HOLY CRAP, you’re HOT!” along with various pictures of how hot the new guy.

    Oh and Xavier don’t worry about the wolfpack, you’re hotter than them.

    Did I mention you’re hot, because I totally think you are…

  3. ROFLMAO! There’s nothing more to say!

  4. OMG: I called ahead Taylor, they have a PizzaHut Express near our gate HAHAHAHAHA

    I don’t know what to tell him. You told EVERYTHING
    Great post!

  5. First of all, Xavier Samuel is probably the best name in the history of ever. I mean…Xavier??? That’s just pure brilliance right there.

    Secondly, Xavier Samuel should enjoy the Eclipse ride…but dude, don’t get too comfortable. Cause…you know…Seth and Edward do away with Riley in short order. Buh-bye Xavier! Thanks for playing.

    (I’m so mean.)

  6. Moon,

    There is a little asertick (sp?) beside Jackson’s name…I assume that is because you couldn’t find an airport picture of him cause he didn’t travel with the rest of the cast…but we don’t know cause…well, you didn’t tell. Or do you like just putting those behind his name?


  7. Don’t hang out with Justin Chon too much, unless you want rumors started that you are dating that little Asian lady.


    2) Every single thing about this letter is GOLD. I bring nothing of value to this post other than to say that this might be one of my favourite letters ever.


    Thank you for your time.

  9. Dear Xavier,

    Thank your lucky stars that Cougar Hipster got repurposed for another movie. Sexual harassment lawsuits in Hollywood are a real bitch.

  10. Please tell me he’s legal, because he is all kind of hawt! And I can’t handle one more “this is Lautner, but lock your doors otherwise Chris Hansen will come through” moment.

    I’ve uploaded TCA Rob and Twilight coverage:


    and the media show TCA coverage:


    • you’re safe, lil’ lady – teh hawtness is 25! Older than scruffy pommy, but not old enough to just be weird (*cough*justinchon*cough*)


  11. Perfect I love this Letter LMAO

  12. Wait, how old is he? Nevermind, it’s better I don’t know.

  13. Great stuff! You know, its a surprise the entire cast doesn’t starve with Big Daddy Lautner on the case. Be careful Xavier! He may eat you! You look DELICIOUS!!

  14. the new boy is indeed attractive but he doesn’t have Rob’s dimples—loved the slice of sunshine (must remember that line)—btw must have missed s.th.—is kellan into youth counselling—perhaps he should walk this way with the ‘Purpose Driven Life’ under his arm tho, of course, my life does have a purpose post-Rob: Robsessing—:))

  15. To get Kellan’s number and report back ASAP!

  16. Although he is quite the cutie….we all know who STILL holds my heart…that’s right it Big Daddy Lautner!!! SIKE JUST KIDDING LMAO I think I just threw up a little in my mouth!!!! 😦 No we Know Rob still is my #1 but Bobby could be slowly creepin up on him!! 😉

  17. He is a cutie. Too bad he dies. Oopsie! Did I ruin that for someone? My bad.


    • haha.. i think we ruined the entire saga for ‘virgins’ LONG ago! i’m not sure there’s anyone left who hasn’t seen/heard/read spoilers!

    • actually yes. i think i’m the only person in the world who’ve only read the first 2. of course i’ll read the others, i just don’t want the saga to quickly come to an end.

      but hey, as uc said, ltt has ruined the saga for me a long time ago, so the fact that this guy dies is no biggie.



    • I know, so sad. Everyone’s salivating over a guy who pretty much shows up just to be a werewolf chew toy LOL

      He’s 25?!?!!? Does he moisturize?!

  18. Omg Moon.. I’m dying. tears down my face.
    Brill post. You hit it outta the park.

    Just one to add- Xavier stay away from the wolfpack. those dudes could make you cry….

    ps You’re hot as CRAP

  19. “Jasper aka the dude who got screwed by the wig department in New Moon.”

    That may be the best thing I have ever read.

    • Oh, no, how do you mean “screwed”? I thought Goldilocks-Jackson was a cute improvement on some other pictures I’ ve seen of him. 🙂 At least this way he won’t get confused with any Johnny Depp-lookalikes that might be lurking around the set…

      JR, you should totally consider having your hair dyed along with Nikki, and see if it’s true that blondes have more fun! Might even up the fan following of the 100 Monkeys, don’t you think? Anything is worth trying, right?

  20. Wonder if he’s old enough to drink? DRUNK Xavier may be even HOTTER!

  21. You should probably have also mentioned Billy Burke and his hairy eyeball. Don’t mention “Deliverance” and for God’s sake hide your wallet.

    (LMAO at this post, killer. Almost as good as Tay Tay taking a dump in his pants yesterday.)

    • LMAO… Billy Burke’s hairy eyeball.!!! those drunken twitter msgs of his!..
      (gasp) I think I’m in love with Billy… (sorry Robbie)

      • Thanks for getting the fact that this was about Billy’s drunk tweets. I don’t hate Billy, I love him actually, and I don’t think he’s a thief. And I’m pretty sure he wasn’t gangraped by hillbillies.

  22. “Xavier the new bananager”

    Ha ha ha! That’s funny! Watch your back Marty!

  23. I really have nothing more to tell him about Twilight/Eclipse. I am laughing too hard to think of anything else. Great letter Moon! 🙂

  24. Dear Xavier,
    You’re HOT! Trust me!

    Great letter, Moon! made me laugh so hard.. every single word is GOLD

  25. Moon you give good letter!

  26. *Lol* Yup, that pretty much sums it up for him!

    I would add: don’t visit any cast private rooms after midnight, or you may be the victim of vicious rumours of being best friends with benefits with any one of them. Don’t take their Heineken even if they throw it after you! And don’t smoke anything – and I mean ANYTHING – you are offered by anyone in a wig.

    Food for thought: has anyone seen Taylor Lautner’s mother? Or is Daddy Lautner a true picture of what Taylor will look like post-Twilight plus 20-some years?
    (Always check in with the parents before you sign any prenuptial is good advice.)

  27. I found you guys again. Kristen looks heavier. Who are the other guys Thanks

  28. ROFL.- ‘watch your donuts around him’.
    poor taytor tot probably has to do that all the time.
    and ‘her eyes are UP HERE’ = WIN.
    and yeah, you could have just said HOLY CRAP YOU’RE HOT. i still would have agreed xD

  29. So, apparently Xavier joins the ranks of the “cupcakes”….hmmm I feel a sweet tooth coming on…

    When will they make a pocket Xavier?

  30. OMG, LMFAO!!!!!!

  31. I want to be the middle of an Rob/Xavier sandwich. That’s all.

    • And no, English is not my second language, but I will pretend if it makes my sandwich fantasy come true!

    • For now, little eddy and little xavier will have to do.. (once they create little xavier).
      for your sandwich.

  32. […] This post was Twitted by LRFletcher […]

  33. I would love to see Jackson in the shiteous poodle wig screaming “WELCOME TO RATHBONIA” right before they cut to a montage of behind-the-scenes footage on the New Moon DVD outtakes.

    It could happen. Right, veddersgirl??


    PS – YOU GOT DENIED!!!! Love your face.

    • HAHA! That would be the best thing ever!!!
      Now I need to start a blog dedicated to Jackson and call it WELCOME TO RATHBONIA!!!

      Still think that was one of the best moments of the Tex-ass Weekend! Then next might be when I said I wanted Bobby to sign my uterus with his sperm.
      There are way too many awesome moments to count.
      Denied entry into Rathbonia!

  34. Welcome to RATHBONIA!!!

  35. This letter is an epic win. I was lmfao the entire time. Me and friends are sharing quotes from it on facebook.

  36. Is it possible/allowable to feel 2nd hand super-chuffed that a fellow Aussie scored a part in this pop culture juggernaut? But only has to do one so hopefully won’t be labelled as ‘That guy from Twilight’ for the rest of his career?

    Well, I am anyway.


  37. Well he is from Adelaide (apparently – thanks google) so I’m sure he and Kstew will have something in common…

    But in all seriousness, the only reason they casted an Australian is that so for all those future Comic-Cons they don’t have to fly out Justin Chon like they do with the asian guy from Star Trek.

  38. […] Xavier Samuel, Welcome to Twilight oh and watch your donuts! Dear Xavier, I told UC I wanted to write you a letter since I’m pretty sure you still have a Google alert set up […] […]

  39. You think he’s hot? Mmm…yeah, I guess I can see it. LOL

  40. My spleen is officially tickled. This letter is hilarious! Thank you.

  41. yeah i agree he is really really hot but what i dont understand is why he needs to be on set right now with everyone i mean isnt he only going to be in like one scene in the entire movie? i mean its not like he had that significant of a role in the books, he’s just that guy that seth (and edward) kill and who victoria (who i wish was still rachelle) uses

    • They’re doing fight training right now as far as I know. He’ll need that so it’ll look realistic when he gets tow-up by a 14-year-old boy. 😉

  42. i could not control my laughter during the part about taylor and big daddy.

    the pizzahutexpress – EPIC WIN.

    do you think big daddy spends his nights wondering if mrs. big daddy got it on with the pool boy or the cable guy? becuase taytay sure as hell didn’t spawn from big daddy.

  43. *still LMAO* I feel like a dirty old married woman perving on the likes of Xavier, Rob et al…actually just about most of the male specimans in the saga are younger than me.

    Who cares…. “RADelaide” finally gives the poor SA people something to be proud of! 🙂 I can say this, I’m from the “Smart” state (yes, my number plate says so).

    Bless, this letter made me laugh so hard I nearly snorted diet coke out of my nose. Off to read the letters to Rob…

  44. Ha ha!! Thats hilarious Lol!! I love the bit for Nikki where it says ”Get the Hep C Vacine you never know where her bf been..well actually we do..” Ha Ha!:)

  45. Ummmm…..if that was a REAL letter to Xavier, he wont be comin back to Oz any time soon. Love him and GET THE CAST HERE FOR A TWILIGHT CONVENTION/PREMIERE PLEASE Xavier if u read this! Adel is a kewl place, we know how to rock the Nightlife, please!? Tell Rob hes HOT and Robsten Rules! But yes…please something Twlight in Adel! PRETTY PLEASE!? thankyou xxx

  46. Leave Nikki and the cast alone! if u dnt got nothin nice 2say dont say it! sick people. I feel sorry for Xavier having phsycos like you lot droolin over him.

  47. […] Riley aka Xavier Samuel just too hot it was overshadowing the other dudes, whatever their names are Smaylor and […]

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