Drunk texts, drunk dialing, drunk emails all about Twilight!

Paintings required

Paintings required

Dear LTT-ers,

You know that feeling, waking up the day after a particuarly crazy drunk fest and not quite rememebering how it all ended. Then you check your celly and realize you drunk dialed every ex you had in the last 5 years and left 10 minute messages about god knows what, then texted your Dad (accidently) about how eff-able that guy you just met is and then you realize you’re not wearing any pants and you’re on your porch. Trust we’ve all been there. And if you haven’t, well… what are you waiting for?

I think that may have happened to one of our dear readers because yesterday I checked our LTT email and read this gem which was clearly written after one too many gin and tonics at the Cat & Fiddle…

Heyheyy,, how much do you think they would charqqe to appear at a party?
Andd,, whenn aree KStew,, RPatzz,, andd TLaut makinqq ann aperance,, inn southh florida??

Drunk in South Florida (this is what I would imagine he/she would sign this if they hadn’t passed out before hitting send)

This could be YOU!

This could be YOU!

Well dear heart either your keyboard is sticky from all those gin and tonics or you are the victim of drunk emailing gone wrong. But I like where your head’s at so let’s explore this one shall we… How much do I think they would charge for an appearence? Well probably depends on which star you’re wanting to get at your party. Let me break down what I think each one would “cost”

Kellan – he seems like a Twi-whore going to all these Twiconventions so I’m gonna guess, a coach ticket to your nearest airport, a corner room at the nearest Holiday Inn, 100 bucks “mad money,” and his choice of Twihards to be available after his check in at the hotel. What they do after depends on their contracts. If you want Kellan to return I suggest one dress up like a naughty Sunday School teacher. At least that’s what I hear he likes.

Jackson – a spare corner in the venue for 100 Monkeys to set up. Cause obviously his contract includes a clause that they will play at the closest dive bar or AT your event. He also requested that you hand wash the bananager’s costume, cause trust after a 3 month tour of the east coast’s finest shit holes that thing smells like death.

Ashley – 30k. She ain’t stupid and she’s got an open line of credit at Barneys. Duh.

Nikki – Who?

Peter – A supply of ugly shirts by Affliction set up near his autograph table, a video camera so he can record his friend that no one care about, dancing in a bikini and room enough in the parking lot to park the RV. Oh and when you introduce him you must preface it with: “Mike Dexter is a GOD!”

Gil Birmingham – Bus fare to the event, Greyhound if they travel to your town. And the finest assortment of 40year old+ moms who are just there to “chaperone” their daughters at the event. Right, ladies, RIGHT.

Taylor – I spoke with Big Daddy Lautner and this is what he said it would take to get Taylor at your party: 100 dollar gift card to McDonalds, one of those Dominoes Pizza Bread Bowls in the hotel toom upon check in and a supply of new Polo button up shirts, size XXXL. Hey, don’t ask me that’s what Big Daddy said Taylor needs!

Kristen– You’re joking right? She’d give you the ‘bitch please’ stare through the phone and then hang up on your ass for being so stupid. But maybe if you send her some “herbal treats” before you call it might help the pitch.

Rob– His only request is that Moon be present, ready, willing and able to help him with his every need. Oh and maybe a baseball cap from your local tourist shop. Anything with a lobster, flower or whatever represents South Florida. He loves those free hats.

As for your other question, When will Rob, KStew and Taylor make an appearence in South Florida? My guess is the 10th of never… or maybe after you do the above.

Good luck Drunk in South Florida!!

hangover6Moving on… A while ago we featured one of my favorite sites Texts from Last Night on a Monday Funnies post. Texts from Last Night which is a site where people submit funny/inapporpriate texts they’ve receieved usually sent when people were of questionable sobriety. Well they’re at it again because recently JodieO alerted us to a new Twilight related Text that was posted.


So JodieO has this to say…

“Have you guys heard of the website www.textsfromlastnight.com ?  If not, it’s just a site where you send in strange or funny texts.  I consider myself fairly worldly, but the more I read it, the more impressed I am at how drunk and slutty some people can be.  Anyway, There was one about Rob that caught my eye: http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/view/47253
(706): i just met rob pattinson in italy. he’s so stupid, i feel like i would have to say “your penis goes here!”
While I would be surprised to learn that he really is stupid, it still wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me.
Drawing a map, just in case!

Amen JodieO AMEN! I’m getting mine printed up and lamenated for when Rob comes back to me in LA. You can never be too prepared!

FYI we LOVE getting these emails! Please keep them coming oh and add our email to your phone for the next time just such on occasion arises. And by occasion I mean every day after 6! Email us letterstotwilight at gmail dot com!

Happy Monday!

Hop on over to Letters to Rob!
Drunk post in the forum! We don’t mind!

98 Responses

  1. ‘Drawing a map, just in case!’…Although I doubt his inability to find THE place where IT goes…this is true one can never be over prepared ;)…and if possible I would tape christmas lights along my legs like a runway to make sure his…um…’airplane’…er yea…makes a safe and easy ‘landing’! LOL 😀

    • The map reminds me of the Friends episode where Rachel and Monica made a diagram for Chandler to teach him a bit about the ladies’ pleasure parts. “First, go to 1, then to 2, then 3. Then, mix it up a bit, 2, 5, 4, then 5, 3, 6, 6, 6, 6666666!”

    • christmas lights! RUNWAY!! hahaa

    • Christmas lights! Win! And it would be a serious ice-breaker when starting a conversation.

      “What are these Christmas lights for, Rob? Well I’m glad you asked… “

  2. Hehehe . . .that’s hysterical . . .Christmas lights! Really does take “landing strip” to a whole new level.

    God it’s early to be pervy . . .what is in this morning beverage today?

    Oh @ moon . . .that is hysterical! Love the breakdown of prices. Lutz and Lautner seem pretty affordable, actually . . . . . hmmmm . . .. . . (begins planning 30th birthday party now).

  3. WELLLLLLL…..Now I know what and where to have My Tattoo {heck folks thats no crazier than most of those tatts}………….That way I KNOW the MAN won’t miss…just in case my mouth is otherwise engaged and I can’t speak………
    Love it Moon <3… UC will be so proud at how well you are looking after us girls while she is away…..

  4. ROFL!!!
    Ahahaha that is hilar!
    And know alllll about Twilight and drunken nights.
    My most recent involved wanting to sleep on the concrete rather than the mattress because it was “cold and hard just like Edward”.


  5. This is too funny! And @Jaydey17 LMAO at your concrete comment!

  6. Texts from last night is my favorite site. And my favorite tweeter.

    I also enjoy drunk texts from friends. Even if they’re not Twilight related. Cough-cough.

    p.s. Nikki–Who?

    Awesome. You’re mean. So am I.

  7. Ef u b*tches! I’m getting a tattoo of an arrow down my thigh, with an ‘x’ marks the spot on my hoohah!

    The REAL Naughty Sunday School Teacher xo

    • lmao! But you’ve got to think “outside of the box” sometimes. I think a perfectly timed spill of a bottle of Heineken in my lap would accomplish the same goal in a slightly different manner ifyaknowwhatImsayinandithinkyoudo! Or, at least I hope you do lmao! If not, I think we need to talk…

  8. Hmmm….We have a big ass living room with good acoustics and a Guitar Hero set-up. I wonder if that’s enough to get Jackson and his Monkeys to join me and Cazza (HOLLA!) for an after after party in Dallas in a few weeks.

    Love Texts. There are OFTEN Twilight texts posted on the site.

    The map: Reminds me of the Friends episode where Rachel and Monica drew a diagram to help teach Chandler the way to a woman’s, uh, heart. “First, you go to 1, then to 6, then 3, then 5, then 1,3,5,4,5,4,6,6,6,66666!!!”
    You younguns don’t remember that? I have no Gossip Girl analogies. Sorry!

    ❤ y'all to pieces!

  9. Hmmm….We have a big ass living room with concrete floors, good acoustics, and a Guitar Hero set-up. I wonder if that’s enough to get Jackson and his Monkeys to join me and Cazza (holla!) for an after after party in Dallas in a few weeks.

    Love Texts. There are OFTEN Twilight texts posted on the site.

    The map: Reminds me of the Friends episode where Rachel and Monica drew a diagram to help teach Chandler the way to a woman’s, uh, heart. “First, you go to 1, then to 6, then 3, then 5, then 1,3,5,4,5,4,6,6,6,66666!!!”
    You younguns don’t remember that? I have no Gossip Girl analogies. Sorry!

    ❤ y'all to pieces!

    • ok, so strange. I posted this, like, 4 hours ago, and they never showed up. Thought they were eaten by the post monster. I really like to hear myself talk, but this is a little much!!

      SORRY about the multitude of duplicate posts.

      Multiple postsms…good stuff.

  10. Phew!! A post about drunk posts and texts and I wasn’t mentioned. Things are looking up!! ❤ your face!

  11. Holy shit, that’s my new favorite website!…. uhh, I mean after this one… duh…

    Check out this gem! I could seriously spend all day reading that blog…

    (610): Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said ” I’m not on the pill but I’m pro choice… your move”… I’m in love

  12. Test? Tried to post a comment and it didn’t work. Anyone else having trouble or am I banned from posting? One too many really lame comments?

  13. I’d just like to say the caption under Kellan “This could be YOU!”….yeah, it WON’T be me because Twicon screwed the pooch on that scenario. I’m still a little bitter. Can you tell? lol


    • don’t let that damn TwiCon site de-rail you…we WILL find a way to touch those abs. I’m not above getting arrested. just sayin….

    • Me too! That was supposed to be me next weekend in Minnesota, but Kellan cancelled! :@

    • what happened with twicon? kellan got busy? or they didnt confirm his room at the holiday inn?

      • I was clicked and ready to pay for him to be my autograph and picture and Twicon had a malfunction with their credit card company (it was on fire or something)…so I tried to pay with PayPal and the site screwed up from all the traffic I think and it forced me to reboot because it wouldn’t refresh. I get alllll the way back in there and he’s no longer an option to click. I HAD HIM!!! He was in my agenda I was ready to pay for the abs, the dimps, the whatever and their site messed up and screwed me out of it. Jerkfaces. I cried.


  14. (404): Oh, don’t even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.

  15. Re: Jackson. I have a large living room with good acoustics and a Guitar Hero set-up. I wonder if that would be enough for Jackson to make an appearance for me and Cazza (holla!) at our after-after party in Dallas in a couple of weeks????

    ❤ y'all!!

  16. Last attempt:

    Re: Jackson. I have a big living room with good acoustics and a Guitar Hero set-up. I wonder if that would be enough to get him to come to an after after party with me and Cazza (holla!)???

    • srsly? WTF happened to my computer?? It ate posts, then hours later, it spit them back out. I guess my computer thought they were lamespice, too. Ugh. Mortified.

  17. Does anyone else think the picture of the girl and Kellan is a bad Homecoming picture?

  18. “a spare corner in the venue for 100 Monkeys to set up.”

    lmao…so true. and yet, i am so going to see them at TwiCon in a few weeks. Can’t wait to smell, i mean see the the bananager’s costume.

    • Are you going to the show at Poor David’s Pub??? We need to have some sort of signal for LTTers so we can all find each other. I’m not going to TwiCon, but I’m going to the 100 Monkeys show and the Bradley/Foster shows at Poor David’s Pub during TwiCon weekend.

      If anyone wants to meet up there, tix are avail. at frontgatetickets.com

      • Yes, I am going! For sure…we need to organize a meet up. Is there a thread in the forum?? If not, let’s start one.

        And the 100Monkeys show?? The one at the Palladium? Apparently that is their big CD release party– kinda thinking I should go to that! 🙂

        • I wasn’t aware of the Palladium show. I was speaking of the Friday night show at Poor David’s Pub. I will be checking out the Palladium show before the Sam Bradley show, I recon. I’m going to be with a fellow LTTer, Cazza.

          There is a thread for Twicon Dallas on the Forum, but it’s not very active. I wonder if we should do another thread for that weekend?

          • start one!! and i we need pics and a run down of the event! TAKE PICS!!!!!!!

          • Thread started.

            I plan to take multitudes of pictures. I just hope I don’t get my arse kicked for taking pics and lauging at all the Twiphernalia that is bound to be carried/worn by many in attendance. I should probably start going back to those kickboxing classes.

          • Pics are a definite!!
            And I am going to check out the forum now….

      • I think we need someone fancy and artsy to make and sell WTV (or LTR or LTT) T-shirts and sell them on cafe press or something. Nothing overt. Just something all of us would recognize…. Like just a clip art of a dumpster or jelly beans, rainbows, and Babysitters Club books.

        • That would be brills, Jodie.

          Or someone could do a graphic that we can print out and make a little tiny button so we can recognize each other? Or maybe a secret handshake or passcode is in order??

          Hoping to get lots of interest for a meet-up and we can meet for dinner before the shows. Greenville Ave. (where the Palladium is) is a happenin place.

          Goodness, girls. I’m sofa king bored. We’re at our lakehouse in the middle of nowhere, and I’m going MAD. Thinking of fun shiz like Twicon weekend is the only thing getting me through these three torturous weeks.

        • how about something, shirt or button, that just says “that’s normal.”? That way its not over the top twilight-y yet totally recognizable to LTT/LTRs.

          • LiLi, That’s Normal = WIN!! Loves it. So, anyone good at graphics???

          • A button you say? Hrm. That one shouldn’t be too hard. I have a friend who is an art teacher and she just happens to have a 1″ button maker. I bet if I bought the supplies she’d let me make some ‘That’s normal” buttons. I’ll have to see what I can do with that.

            In my mind I can see the t-shirt with the dumpster and ‘that’s normal’ printed across it. I just don’t have the mad skillz to execute it. I wonder if my teacher friend also has silk screen equipment…

          • umm…have photoshop and totally on it…. 🙂

          • Girls go for it ….You have to have the That’s Normal and the Dumpster, you are brill, those images/ sentiment TOTALLY say LTR/LTT…..Hope you will post to us Europeans me and my girls will want ….desperately……

  19. Ladies, because of you I discovered this site a while ago…

    I’ve been saving some of my favorites that mention Twilight or other just favs… and a few Pirates of the Caribbean one’s thrown in for good measure… 🙂

    I love drunk texts – they make me realize how complete and full my life really is!

    (847): And God said, “Let there be Twilight,” and it was so.
    (1-847): I should injure you considerably.

    (214): Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
    (210): Put my glitter back.

    (904): I’ve been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for “Everybody”. That’s unsettling.
    (1-904): It’s unsettling that you took the time to think about that.

    (480): A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she’s wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

    (859): Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only f*ck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.

    (910): is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.

    (609): You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
    (1-609): Wow, so you’re like the Edward Cullen of sluts.

    (603): Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Caribbean blares in the background?

    (704): You know the compass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

    (216): let’s bang
    (773): You’re in my phone as ‘Weird Bus Guy’ so I think my answer’s no.

    • (609): You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
      (1-609): Wow, so you’re like the Edward Cullen of sluts.

      This is my favorite one!!!

      I ♥ that site so much!

    • Rip up my Man Card…LOL!

  20. (216): let’s bang
    (773): You’re in my phone as ‘Weird Bus Guy’ so I think my answer’s no.

    @LaPush….remember that tee shirt you promised me^^^^^^there it is! 😉

    @Emme…LOVE IT! I needed the laugh today, true story.

    • You’re welcome 🙂 Sometimes I can’t believe I live in the same world these people do but hey, if someone was listed in my phone as Weird Bus Guy that’s smart and self preservation right there… way to go chick way to go!

    • RIDE THE SLUT!! hollllaaaaa!!

    • @Pro3 I totally LOLd at that before I read your comment! hahaha!

      RIDE THE SLUT!!! HAHAHAHAHA. You can get that shirt here in my hometown.!! My friend’s coffee shop used to sell them!

      South Lake Union Trolley

  21. In honor of today’s topic, I’d like to introduce “Drunk Tweets From Last Night”

    I nearly lost my shizz when I read these texts from a hilarious Harball Panelist:

    {Panelist}: this is house! pmfgh me might not make it tonight

    {Panelist}: sure air but is aboutga bottle

    Then after a fellow LTTer commented on this person’s current state:

    {Panelist}: @LTTer: i serious club not sober would be corecy assesmeny

    I’ll let our friend claim these on her own…

    • geez stop posting my less sober moments for all to see!! god.

    • Hardball Panelist here…and for the record…NOT ME! 😉

      (but me thinks me knows who it be…) Fess up!

      • I haven’t seen her tweet yet today and she hasn’t posted on here…so the logical conclusion is that she’s still drunk. Will send out an sos tweet on her behalf.

    • Wasn’t me either.

      I’m all hopped up on cold meds….oh wait, maybe it WAS me.

    • For some reason your post makes me think of lobsters.. Hmmm..

    • Ahhhhhh yes. hmm. something about those comments seems relatively familiar… although i’m pretty sure when i typed them they were written correctly. i mean i’m almost certain… Damn internet always mixing things a person says around.


      oh dear.

      i can’t believe i actually made it out of this weekend alive.

      true story.

    • you know i feel like i need to explain more. so… i will. you see, once i doned my manaloesque heels for the evening, and zipped up the party dress i’d be wearing out… a thought occured to me. this thought led me to be quite certain that i wouldn’t be running into the sparkly one that night given his propensity for divish bars and my attire alerting me to the fact that i clearly would not be venturing off into any divey bars that night. so, resolute that it would be okay to get completely smashed, i resolved to my common practice in drinking in absolutes… meaning i drink absolutely straight liquor (think vodka on the rocks) until i abosultely can’t drink anymore. then i switch to beer.

      this is what lead me to a club at 3am (i think) that was blaring straight up HOUSE music and having me dance on tables with smoke blowing up said party dress.

      and just in case you all are wondering what i was actually trying to say….

      what i typed:
      this is house! pmfgh me might not make it tonight

      what i meant:
      this is house! OMG we might not make it tonight

      (this was of course typed as i downed another vodka on the rocks… and was in reference to the music blaring in the speakers. i expected rain to fall from the ceiling… but it never came.)

      what i typed:
      sure air but is aboutga bottle

      what i meant:
      sure sir, buy us another bottle

      (this in reference to to apparent foreign friends we had made inside the club who graciously fueled my friends and my need for vodka.)

      what i typed:
      @LTTer: i serious club not sober would be corecy assesmeny
      what i meant (i actually have no freakin clue what i was trying to say her but i believe it may have been):
      @LTTer: i am at a serious club. not sober would be the correct assesment.
      (although that doesn’t even make sense)

      • this is what lead me to a club at 3am (i think) that was blaring straight up HOUSE music and having me dance on tables with smoke blowing up said party dress.

        I’ve done this…but it was Mexico, and I was eighteen, and there are photos!

        Nice play by play. 😉 Jealous a bit. Especially over the manaloesque heels.

      • I don’t drink but I would LOOOOVVVEEEEE to come out w/ you because you would be tons of fun! 😀 haha!

        I love when T9 or ipones don’t recognize the words you’re really wanting to say and give you gibberish instead… it’s more fun trying to decipher the code! It’s a whole new version of the DaVinci Code/Rosetta Stone!

        • Sadly, she totally has a blackberry with a full keyboard (and there’s spell check if you remember to use it). thinking it was more the hand-eye coordination issue.

          @calli – dear, think your tweets wouldn’t have been so bad if you downloaded one of those twitter programs onto your bberry. There’s a spell check function. use it. LOVE YOU!

  22. This is why I heart this site so much. 1- I get my daily feed/fix of Twilight/Rob awesome-ness. 2- I find out about other sites to check out that help my day go by faster. So double thanks!

  23. “then you realize you’re not wearing any pants and you’re on your porch. ” — i can not even say HOW MANY times this has happened to me..and i wish i were exaggerating. for real..and the good thing is my dad is a drunk as well, so if i accidentally text him, & i have, i get texts back like this gem:” just drank a bottle of black velvet and painted the kitchen green”..or..” 6″1 211 drunk and disorderly wat u up 2..”LOL..he bought me a life size edward poster so he knows all about my love of rob. and he asks me where pocket eddy is like he’s my bf.

    • AWWWWWW melissa poppa rules!!

      and yes wear a belt, sometiems they detours losing the pants… or just makes it more fun in the mean time

  24. MOON, I say we all start saving now to chip in for these appearances at your LTT/LTR New Moon DVD Release Party (LTTLTRNMDVDRP) you know that you guys are hosting next March…..


  25. Moon…. did you send a lot of texts last night? recent addition:

    (732): you sent me 45 texts saying “meow?”
    (1-732): did i?

    • I don’t know why, but I find that extremely funny, and just had to muffle my laughter. I probably find this hilarious because it is totally something that I would do (or have done).

    • THAT is funny, and awesome, and maybe wrong.

      @Brooke reminds me of another FF… true story.



    this is a travesty. a national disaster.

    but the celebration must go on.

  27. haha. did you really talk to Big Daddy Lautner? I’m 95% sure you didn’t, but there’s still that 5% of curiousity.

  28. And THAT (drunk emailing) is why this is the best invention EVER: http://www.wired.com/epicenter/2008/10/googles-mail-go/

  29. haha….the requirements for Peter – Mike Dexter is a GOD!

  30. http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/areacode/609

    More Twilight/Rob related texts from last night.

    (609): You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
    (1-609): Wow, so you’re like the Edward Cullen of sluts.

  31. Oh Gosh! I just found your site today from Stephenie’s post about how she added you to her “stalk list”. Your site is so freaking funny. This post made me laugh so hard I started to cry.

    Thanks for making us crazy Twilight fans be able to laugh at ourselves and other Twi-hards!

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