Give me my money back! Kellan Lutz will no longer be Twilight-Cruising

twilightcruiseDear Kellan,

I was devastated when I found out you won’t be going on the Twilight Cruise in August of 2010. Seriously. Devastated. I actually said out loud, “Aww shucks!” It’s not going to be the same without you there peeling shrimp with me at the midnight seafood buffet. And who will I do the macarena with now, and how am I going to find a new duet partner to sing Islands in the Stream with me during late night karaoke? And I was planning on dressing as Rosalie during the Twilight-Prom themed “formal night” and going to ask you to dress up as Emmett so we could grind together to Paramore songs.

In the beginning...God created Kellan. And he looked good"

In the beginning...God created Kellan. And he looked good"

But now, who’s gonna judge the “Twilight t-shirt, wet-t-shirt” contest and what about leading prayer the morning after the wet t-shirt contest when we regret the fornicating we did that evening after I won?  And in the off chance that the ship starts to sink, you were my #1 choice to lead us in singing our favorite hymns as we plunge into the icy waters. Who’s gonna fill your shoes now!? Alex Meraz? Humph- it’s clear that he does not have the same commitment to his spiritual life that you do.  Have you seen his shirtless pictures? Completely man-whorish. At least with your shirtless pictures it’s clear you’re just trying to teach the children the story of how Adam was put here on this earth by God in a perfect form- naked and unashamed. You are truly a Biblical example.

"Buttcrack Santa"

Say "Berry Cobbler"

Obviously Alex Meraz is a last-resort choice and no one will come close to you, but I do have some suggestions for the Twilight Cruise planners for who might come in at a close second. #1: The person who cleaned the trailers on the set(s). Now that person would be interesting to talk to. What did they find? What did Rob eat? Did they come across any condoms? What were the results of the DNA test they ran (obviously) after picking up the used condoms? This would be a perfect session to hold in the grand ballroom on Day 1 of the cruise. #2 That waitress (Cora) from the diner, Ayanna Berkshire. What an interesting choice she would be to lead a discussion on the why’s and how’s she went about the line “Buttcrack Santa?” Quick teaser from my list of Top 10 things I want to ask Ayanna Berkshire: “How many times did you have to do the scene where you said “The boys wanna know” since you were talking about the oldest looking lumberjack grandpas on the planet? Ha! “The Boys…” good one.”

While your place will never be filled completely, I believe either one of these options gets us closer to the magic that would have happened with the infamous Kellan Lutz, womanizer, lover of all sorts of Twilight fans- short ones, tall ones, hot ones, fat ones, skinny ones, pretty ones, hot ones, not pretty ones, old ones, young ones, hot ones- on board. I just really need to express my deep disappointment that you won’t be there. Because you, Kellan Lutz, lover of Twilight fans, lover of shirtless pictures, lover of talking about your small role in the Twilight saga, would be an incredible addition to a boat full of thousands of twi-hards, floating at sea for a full seven days never giving you a moments peace from their demands to sign their paperback books, posters of Rob, twilight chuck taylors & breasts.

My heart will go on,

*Little Tip from UC & Moon, gals who would never ever in a million years subject ourselves to the 2nd-hand embarrassment of a Twilight cruise, don’t book your tickets now. They say Ashley & Alex are committed- and they are, but only until they have a conflict with another film. Which they will. It’s so far in advance. Plus, it’s not going to sell out. (Oh my gosh… if a Twilight Cruise sells out….. I am really ashamed to be a fan….)

Let me tell you what Jena does in The Forum for us all. She posts literally every video of Rob EVER. Cuz she rules. And we love her. Find them all here

And check out what Moon has for us & Robbie on LTR

56 Responses

  1. […] canceled his tickets on the Twilight Cruise! Whatever will we do? Wanna see anything Twilight or Rob related that’s been on TV over the last decade? Yea, […]

  2. Oh Shucks…..I’m gonna have to ask for a refund now……..
    Is anyone actually booked for this cruise? or do we think it’s all booked by 12-16 year olds and their over indulgent parents Twi-moms?
    Can we imagine the mass hysteria if Rob had been going? Yep I’d have been there for sure then …..sad but true…….

    • i think so.. i’ve seen whispers on the internets. looks like it’s run by 2 travel agent ladies who are twihards

    • Well, you can all be second-hand embarrassed for me, as I have reservations on said cruise. Am I kicked out of the Sorority now? *snifflecry*

      • No.. pixiechick way, thank god someone’s going as we need the inside info more than we need to skit you cause really we’re jealous……you go girl….


          I figure, either it’ll be way cool, or the twilight stuff will be dumb but the cruise will be nice anyway. I promise to bring all the details and pictures in gushy, fangirl, snarky goodness.

    • I have some friends in their late 20’s seriously considering going. I would think it would be a pretty even mix of Twi-Moms and Cougars. With a few Unicorns thrown in for good measure. Really, could the odds be better, gentlemen?

  3. Thanks for the ‘tip’ girls!

    A Twilight Cruise was right up there with a ticket to Twi-Con on my ‘must do’ in 2009/2010 and I’m super glad that you pointed me in the right direction here.

    I’d be even more super glad if someone did the same for Ashley.

    Seriously, WTF is a twilight themed Prom night?!

    Would it be worth taking the old Pattinson Pants and Eclipse Keds out of the moth balls for this ‘special occasion’? Or the pink and black Sam Bradley shoes, since it *is* special occasion?

  4. Well, I’m so glad that I hadn’t booked my ticket yet.

    However, if he backs out of TwiCon Atlanta next weekend, I’m going to revolt. And I’m not even 2nd hand embarrassed to say I’m going to that. =P

    • Uh yeah, in case the sarcasm wasn’t apparent, I wasn’t planning on going on the TwiCruise. Because that would just be crazy if HHH wasn’t going to be there. lol

      I am, however, going to TwiCon Atlanta.

      • No embarassment there girl, you go and bring the goodies home to mama!!!!
        I live for my vacarious thrills of what you lucky Americans/Canadians get up to…. where else would I get all my Rob fixes from?
        ❤ you Pange

    • me too. (hope he doesn’t back out) and i hope you’re paying extra for the photo session. And you better send us a copy of you and kellan hugging!

  5. I think you guys need to do a Letters2Twilight cruise. Filled with fan made skits, songs and artwork. It would be freaking hilarious and I would totally book today!!

    • I was just going to say that! HAHA. It could be the “I May or May Not be a Twilight Fan” extravaganza.

    • You realize how much alcohol would be consumed during that time?

      That’s a prayer group I can get behind.

      • We would need a supply boat alongside just for the booze……..I think that’s one cruise Rob could be persuaded to ‘come’ on {english version there}……

    • omg. that would be soo brilliant. we could name the ship “i may or may not like twilight.” we could have craft time- when we make shiteous twilight art of course… and who cares about the BIG stars.. give me buttcraak santa, daddy lautner and mike newton.

      BRILLIANT idea!

      • Again a sad but true fact about myself I CRAFT….card-making, scrapbooking, knitting, cross-stitch etc……reason for this confession ….I can lead craft time on the cruise. We could beat Pattinson Pants lady and her ilk into a top hat with the master-pieces we’d produce e-bay wouldn’t know what hit it and we’d be raising funds for the supply boat alongside….

  6. UC-If I didn’t book tickets for the NKOTB cruise, trust I wouldn’t book tickets for this cruise.

    HOWEVER, I WOULD totally book tickets and help plan a party if there was a Letters To Twiligh cruise…I’d totally be about that! Great idea Sarita Pagita!!

    I want to be the Director of Drinkertainment!!

  7. There’s a Twilight cruise? Srsly? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

  8. When my coworker first told me of the cruise and then proceeded to seriously inquire on wether or not I’d be in attendance, I looked at her and said “That would be publically outing myself as a twi-hard and I’m not prepared for that” so instead I’ll comment on twilight blogs and not face the fact that I’d DIE to be on a cruise ship with Emmett…I mean Kellan…at least now I don’t have to worry….Paul the werewolf doesn’t have near the effect on me as Emmett

  9. what the eff. there is a twilight cruise? who came up with that genius idea? aww too bad i booked my airline ticket for jamacia yesterday otherwise i would be so on this. JK 🙂

  10. Well thank goodness he backed out. I’d hate to book my tickets, hop aboard the boat, run up to give Kellan a “special hug” and learn that I am terribly sea sick at that exact moment!

    By the way, no. I am not going to the Twi-cruise. It’s hard enough hiding my trek to Twicon in Dallas (what, it’s a girls weekend! duh.)

  11. I’m going to be nice and not go on and on about how this fandom has been cheapened. And how it embarrasses me. And how I may or may not like Twilight, to the nth degree.

    Instead, I’m going to finish the first Sookie book, then reread all 4 books in the Saga. It’s all about returning to my first love. Remember, Anointed once sang, “Take me back…let us go back…to the place, where I first believed…”

    p.s. Kellan is totally singing along with me right now. He also high-fived me for the Anointed reference.

    • I saw anointed in concert back in the day I think I was like 12 I remember falling asleep at one point in the concert. That’s how good itwas it literally put me in a coma.

      • Really? I always wanted to see them live, so I could get jiggy to “Re-viiiiiiive us again…” Because that was a rockin’ song.

        And “Under the Influence” always amazed me. I love some good CMM that features a flute in the tune.

        Let’s see if they’re still touring and invite Kellan and Ashley. Bet they’d love to see Anointed. And—-ohhhhhhh—-Avalon! YES! UC will come for that one, too. She loves her some Avalon.

        • last night the hubster sang “testify to love” at the top of his lungs to me. i forget why.. there was a reason…

          • With every breath I take I I will give thanks to god above and as long as I shall live I will testify to looooovee….

  12. Kellen is “religious”? I.. I… can’t picture that.
    Jackson? Sure. He’s from Texas after all. What is there to do but shoot trespassers, drink, round up cattle, drink, and go pray for your soul (while drinking)?

  13. I’m laughing at the ending sig “My Heart Will Go On”, LMAO!

  14. Well shoot, now who’s gonna hug me when I get sea sick and barf overboard?

  15. I ❤ your face because you said "fornicating we did last night." Not sure why this is hilarious to me, but I'm still on RObitussin, so go figure. Stay, Snarky.

    Question – if it was free booz the whole cruise I might be able to tolerate it, but even then…who knows.

  16. F*ckery I had a lame comment and its not here or needs your approval. Whateves….

    Stay funny

  17. what the hell? a twilight cruise?? wow this is so sad..

  18. Who is this Alex Meraz?

    And you know if every one else has pulled out Ashley is going to say ‘If you guys aren’t going *I’M* not going!’

    Were they not even able to get Solomon Trimble? Or Justin Chon? I’d love to sit in on the Q&A session with Justin. “Yeah, so, how did you feel about being the guy waving a worm around and having the most 2nd-hand embarassing dialogue in this movie?”

    I don’t just surf the internet.

  19. No need to save money for that little trip any longer. My children will be so glad that I can return the money I had been stealing from them to their piggy banks.

  20. Ummm ok then. I am glad I didn’t book the cruise (and by didn’t I mean never even thought about it).
    Can you imagine twi-hard teens, with their moms (add alcohol to the said mom’s that are “there for their daughters”) I don’t think the cruise ship could afford the security they would need. Twi-mom’s (they NOT Normal ones) can be ruthless. I will just say when Wal-Mart has to put up 2 rows of shopping carts to keep fans in line and that was to see 1 person from the movie, I can’t imagine what the cruise would be like.

  21. At first I was like, why is the guy who sings “A Beautiful Mess” going to be there?? Then I realized, oh, Alex Meraz, not Jason Mraz…..d’oh….getting with the program here.

    And, I would so go on a LTT/LTR cruise. I’d just pack my bedazzler, my laptop and a bottle (or 2) of Patron.

  22. I am so there for the LTR/LTT cruise, but we have to invite a few fan girls, just for laughs! I would bet that big daddy Lautner can party!

  23. So. Know how you said that if the Twilight cruise sold out that you would be really ashamed to be a Twilight fan? Check the website. It already has. Its currently wait list only.

    …Let the shame begin.

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