The Inevitable New Merchandise for New Moon

Dear Twi-hards,

With the release of New Moon fast approaching (146 days!), it was only a matter of time before the machine started rolling out new merchandise for fans to buy. After all Hot Topic almost single handedly saved the economy back in February. And we really can’t be losing anymore mall stores. Where else will I find my neon green tutu’s, Mario Brothers shirts and gothic parasols?  I mean, there goes my whole wardrobe, right? But never fear we’re just now getting a glimpse of the goodies to come that might just save the entire United States economy. Fingers crossed.


WOOOOOWWW just in case you wanted to go hunting and be camouflaged but also show how much you love Twilight, we have this lovely shirt. To our country friends, this will look nice while you’re out hunting deer with Jethro and the boys and if you’re lucky enough you’ll be wearing this on the next season of Red Neck Weddings!

Don’t you hate it when you’re at work and just about to close the BIG deal and can’t remember what date it is? I know I do! But after I get this handy little desk calender I can look confidently at the client and say, why yes it IS exactly one month and 3 days till my life is complete and New Moon comes out October 17th! Thank God I had this calendar or we couldn’t have made this million dollar deal! Great doing business with you!

So Barbie Bella and Ken Edward dolls are like the complete antithesis of Malibu Barbie and Ken. Instead of tans they have pale, sparkly skin. Instead of the pink corvette Bella has the broke down beater truck. Instead of skin bearing bikini’s and swim trunks it’s coverage from head to toe. And instead of a Dream House on the beaches of Malibu, it’s a middle class house in rainy Forks, Washington. My only question is: what about the Bob Mackie designed raincoats and the Quielute addition to the “Barbies Around the World” collection? Mattel, you totally dropped the ball on this one!

Lip Venom, guys really? I remember this stuff from like Seventeen Magazine in the 90s. It was supposed to plump up your lips to give it that “bee stung” look. The whole concept is off, first of all who wants to be stung when putting on lip gloss? And not surprisingly the product failed and went away. But now that Vampires are the hip thing, why not trot this little diddy out again but with a new spin: Plump your lips up with the venom of a vampire! Close your eyes, dream a little dream, click your heels together and say “there’s no place like Forks” and wait for the magic of the venom to turn you into an immortal. Then you and Edward can be together forever, cause we know that’s what you dream about. Seriously, we know. We watched the movie.

When are we gonna get a Jacob action figure? Or a temporary vampire bite tattoo? Or an official Charlie Swan stick on Mustache?

Would you buy any of this?

Don’t forget to vote in the Wanna Tappa Vampa (our fake sorority) and the Twi Sisterhood’s PORN OFF! EVERY VOTE COUNTS!! Yes we can!

Read our review of Rob in The Bad Mother’s Handbook at LTR
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51 Responses

  1. I totally want the Charlie stick on mustache. That would be perfect! I also wouldn’t mind having a couple of wigs from some of the movie characters for Halloween costumes. Edward and Bella, of course. And maybe a dreadlocked Laurent wig?

    • the wig idea is great! i´d take jasper´s new moon wig and tell people my costume is shirley temple, but secretly i´m dressing up as jasper in a cute little dress.

  2. Yeah Sure I’d buy evertyhing .. It’s for the economy ..duh .. LOL

  3. Would I buy anything from the machine?

    Simply put.


  4. And have my secret obsession exposed??????! No way.

  5. Ok, maybe just the Barbies.

  6. I was thinking of getting the calender, but who knows what I’ll buy as the 146 days tick down.

  7. Seriously, it is possible for Lip Venom to do its thing and turn me into an immortal for Edward. Im so buying that one!

  8. I would LOVE a Charlie stick on mustache. It would be great to dress up like him for Halloween. All I need is that mustache, a badge, a shotgun and a six pack of Ranier.

    Why do I have the feeling that isn’t considered a ‘costume’ in some parts of this country…

  9. Don’t forget the Billy Black edition wheelchair, Victoria’s fun fur cape, and The Cullens’ Italiano Cookbook!

  10. October 17th? What?!

  11. For some reason when I saw your suggested list of future New Moon merchandise I also saw out of the corner of my eye, Wanna Tappa Vampa (our fake sorority). Why is this important? Because I thought it looked like you said something about Summit/Hot Topic soon selling Bella Swan Tampons. Thank goodness you didn’t suggest that, but there, I guess I just did.Yup, that’s copyrighted now bitches!

  12. I swear I’ve gotten at least 5 emails recently about the Barbie dolls. I KNOW people! I keep up with this shit. I also know that Rob got grazed by a cab but thanks for telling me.

    At least all the emails were from bloggy friends and not real life friends. THAT would be embarrassing.

    (Like this isn’t embarrassing enough)

  13. So yeah, how non-professional does that New Moon desktop calendar look? You’re telling me I may not be taken seriously if I have that in my office at my super serious, conservative company. And ultimately not get that kick ass raise I was looking to get.

    Oh… crap…*dashes off to cancel preorder*

  14. oh i already have all of that stuff…
    i paid big bucks to get it before it was released.
    you know how much I love people knowing what a big fan I am!
    by the way the plumping gloss lives…
    MAC plush glass… its stings at first but the more you use it the better it works and it stops stinging…
    (thats what she said)

    Can you tell that I work to much?
    all I do is makeup everyday all day… now Im suggesting things to my online peeps…

    Ample Pink… it looks good on everyone… get some.

    • i use that! did we discuss that moon & i are mac whores? PLEASE do our make-up someday! FOR THE PREMIERE! are you coming down to embarrass yourself in nov!?

      • I MAY be moving to Santa Monica soon…
        so I MAY be there to embarass myself in Nov with the two of you…
        and I MAY be willing to do makeup…

        • SANTA MONICA??!!! why? WHEN?!

          can you tell i love all my twi friends in la and need more?!

          do share!

          • Im staying tight lipped about why… but it would be like in Septemberish…
            Nothing is for sure… but Im PRAYING HARD that things work out…. I actually am from California (Santa Cruz) but have been living in WA since I was in middle school…
            Im wanting to stay with MAC tho even if this other thing works out… even if its just freelance…
            I will keep yall updated.

  15. I try to stay far away from the Twi-Merch, but I’ll admit–I wanted some of those Twilight band-aids, and I was mad that I didn’t learn about them until after they had sold out. HINT, HINT, Hot Topic–bring back the band-aids! Maybe for New Moon they can have hot wolfpack pictures on them. Or they can be fuzzy and comforting, like Jacob. Or sparkly, like Edward in the sun. Oh, the possibilities!

  16. Oh I am so getting ALL of it. It will show that I am the bestest fan in the whole world and that will increase my chances of meeting Rob… err the cast.

  17. most def want that calendar…

  18. Charlie stick-on moustache? Oh yeah.

    I think we’ve said it before, if that was the ACTUAL lip stain used in the movie, we’d be all over it! I’d just prefer my makeup not hurt me…..that’s just me.

  19. i would buy anything charlie swan and buttcrack santa related.

  20. where are new moon bags

    ugly skanks who attacked Rob in NYC hopelessly want them!

    • the have to change up their disguise so security wont recognize them!

      get new moon bags out NOW!

  21. You know. I take back what I said earlier.

    If it was a shirtless calendar of all the men of Twilight.

    Yes, I would absolutely buy that.

    Alex, Kellan…

    Yep, I would buy that.

  22. The lip venom looks like a vile of blood (prolly supposed to). Who’d want to put blood on their lips? *shudder* I, um, do have the original lip venom. Makes my lips feel like I’ve just eaten some curry. Yum.

    And I was kinda contemplating the calendar. Just maybe. And I’d hide it enough in my office at work that no one would see. I hope. :-/

    I did get my Sexy Stars of Twilight mag yesterday though! Luvin’ the photos. Up close AND personal. 😉

  23. i would only buy the shirt, but i wouldn’t wear it in public-only to sleep in…oh and the calendar, just in case i have no clue what day it is. i wonder if they have june 30th circled with red marker for eclipse’s release date? and the future [december] christmas 2011 (i think) release for breaking dawn?

    oh the corny merchandise.

    see you in a neon green tutu at hot topic! -brittany

  24. ok, i have to say i’m going to get the barbie/ken – i have other “iconic” barbies like Audrey Hepburn/My Fair Lady, Greece, Mary Poppins so I have to get the Twilight ones… I’m a dork I know 🙂

  25. Wow. Lip Venom V. Twilight’s vampire venom and True Blood’s V all wrapped into one.

  26. Oh and we saw a New Moon movie poster t-shirt when we were in line for Transformers last night. It prompted a discussion of the movie poster vs the book cover.

  27. Dear Moon,
    I enjoyed this post.

  28. I saw that shiteous camo shirt worn by a 15 year old at a Bob Dylan, Willie Nelson, and John Mellencamp concert this weekend. She also had some Twilight pins on her bag. I got really excited and thought of you guys and wanted a picture of it so badly but was 98% sure that I was in that state of inebriation where I would have thought I was being sneaky but really was being completely obvious and her older badass siblings would have beat my ass or something. It seemed like a felony to wear such stuff to such a concert.

  29. […] Foto function fbs_click() {u=location.href;t=document.title;''+encodeURIComponent(u)+'&t='+encodeURIComponent(t),'sharer','toolbar=0,status=0,width=626,height=436');return false;} html .fb_share_button { display: -moz-inline-block; display:inline-block; padding:1px 20px 0 5px; height:15px; border:1px solid #d8dfea; background:url( no-repeat top right; } html .fb_share_button:hover { color:#fff; border-color:#295582; background:#3b5998 url( no-repeat top right; text-decoration:none; } Condividi […]

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