Breaking down the New Moon Book cover

Dear fans of New Moon,

Do you miss The Quad? Yeah, we do too. Life happens. IT departments at work block chat and sisters-in-laws come to visit…sometimes exciting New Moon stuff happens and Moon & I don’t know where to turn. And then Calliope, one of our forum mods & the creator of the brilliant Twilight Theatre, happens to be there.. to save the day. And then breaking it down vanity-fair styles happen like this about the new New Moon picture:

UnintendedChoice & theMoonisDown

newmoonbookcoverThe New Picture
Moon: ok this might be a bit better than the movie poster. You KNOW this was a movie poster option
: Can we mentioned Bella’s Wal-mart special tank top and how bella looks like a slutty fan fic bella
: she so does
: shes defs a SENiOR in this picture
: especially with the extra volume in the hair
: grown-up
: no innocent junior
: I know. Vidal sassoon
: nono… paul mitchell. Alice left her with a supply
: Solomon Trimble gave her some of his hot oil treatments
: so true. right before he got shipped off to a different tribe because he wasn’t studly enough.
Moon: the Quiluetes traded him for the nerdy wolf

UC: Do we wish we could zoom in on the WolfPack’s face? Cuz they’re hot? And I need me some dorky wolves?
Moon: YES!! I wanna see them close up
Calliope: I’m tempted to print it..on the BLUEPRINT printer at work. POSTER SIZE
UC: please please please and hang it up!  and send us a pic! and roll it up and send ME one!
Moon: Take a pic of you posing like Bella in front of it

Just wait… we’re about to discuss Eddie… after the jump


I'm watching you

Moon: Ok so let’s break it down…EDWARD
UC: so creepy
Calliope: Eddie- I’m renaming him
Moon: totally I didn’t even notice him at first
UC: me neither
Moon: which is how it SHOULD be for this movie. And I think he’s hella creepster
Calliope: I think imaginary/controlling/crazy mind of Bella- Edward shall be called Eddie. Because Edward wouldn’t haunt your thoughts. But a dude named Eddie- definitely would
UC: Eddie SO would (like Eddie from the OC who beat up that girl from the crime show about math)
Calliope: Eddie is reminiscent of Mark Walbergh in fear
Moon: Eddie is the guy looking through your windows at night
UC: Eddie is in the dark corners of your room- under your bed
Moon: Eddie’s the guy who comes up when you search convicted fellons/rapists in your neighborhood on the internet
Calliope: He’s the leaning a little to close as you wait for the bathroom at a bar…and you aren’t sure if you like it or not

Eddie's Van

Eddie's Van

UC: Eddie drives a van
Moon: with no windows.
Eddie’s the guy who rips tags off sofa cushions
UC: Eddie’s windows have curtains on his van
Calliope: TRUE STORY
Moon: Eddie rides a motorcycle near the high school looking to pick up chicks
Calliope: Eddie may or may not have have cigarette burn marks on his arm… just cuz he likes how it feels
Moon: and if you’re nice he’ll do it to you too. just so you can feel alive together

Want some candy?

Want some candy?

UC: This is Eddie’s hero
Eddie saves you in Port Angeles, but only because he doesn’t want those other guys to have first crack at you
Moon: YES!!! he throws the door to the van open so you can jump in, but then locks it so you cant get back out
Calliope: looks like we all know the “Eddie” type

Eddie's pot van

Eddie's pot van

Moon: Look at this van
UC: Eddie makes you smoke pot in his van
Moon: Our Eddie rules
UC: I love Eddie
Calliope: I may be in love with our Eddie

Moon: I want to eat the candy Eddie offers me after school- oops it has LSD in it. And a razor blade in the apple. Cause Eddie’s the guy who started the rumor about apples and razor blades on Halloween
Calliope: that’s definitely Eddie’s van then
UC: We should write fan fic about Eddie
Moon: He has guyliner on in that pic
UC: totally does
Moon: And he’s behind a MOON! Coincidence?
Calliope: Eddie gets you feeling all crazy. like you are on drugs. Hence why Bella’s insane. and being totally slutty in her wal-mart tank
UC: All up in Jacob’s grill. Eddie likes to get behind moon. Likes it from Behind Moon
UC: Eddie changed the phrase to “That’s what Eddie said” cuz he’s a perv

35 sites of vans

Moon: So on to Jacob?
Calliope: Wait I got to find the pic again… I’ve got 35 sites of vans open
Moon: yea my computer died from van overload
Calliope: haha – it’s like i’ve died and gone to hippie heaven. I think I see papa stew

themoundsMoon: um obviously kstew has been helped out in the chesticle area
UC: obviously. she has no mounds
Moon: cause thats some cleave or she’s doing the old cross your arms and squeeze trick
Calliope: she def bent over and pulled the puppies up
Moon: oh yea, she grabbed some gaffers tape from the eletrical crew and made a fake push up
UC: the gaffers were whistling. I bet Eddie would be a gaffer.  Or a unioned-electrician
Moon: Eddie is a janitor
Calliope: OHHHHHHHHHHHHH trust me. Eddie is definitely in the union. I know the union

Senior Bella
UC: I love those wolves. but yes, wish they were bigger. I wanna hug the lil pups (and i’m not talking kstews mounds)
Calliope: I find it hard to believe … after looking at this pic… that senior Bella hasn’t had that ass tapped yet
UC: I know. Sr. Bella needs to get it on
Moon: Yea Sr Bella must be a serious tease
UC: Do you think she and Jacob did it? Secretly? I would. Jacob looks hot, and she’s alone
Moon: Cause we know mike newton and eric yorkie have her in the spank bank
UC: Edward left her. And Eddie ain’t nothing to write home about
Moon: She and Jacob did it in the Rabbit in the garage. Since Billy cant wheel himself over there. it’s Forks, it’s not like there anything else to do?!
: I don’t believe that because until Jacob’s balls drop… and his voice stops squealing… I won’t believe he’s getting any play. Ain’t no pushing in La Push
: Oh I’m sorry, between cliff diving and motorcycle riding they hit it a couple times. Bella is vulnerable
: Sr. Bella def. hit it with Jacob. Slutty book cover Bella ain’t no virgin
Calliope: Do you think Steph Meyers is hitting up a service right about now? She’s got to be dying that Sr. Bella is a total SLUT
Moon: Well she asked for it- Bella in sweatpants and a holey t-shirt doesn’t make for a very exciting cover
Calliope: Okay so maybe SR bella pet the dawg
Moon: That’s the new spank the monkey

Naked Wolves
UC: What else have we missed? The tat? Hot
Calliope: tat is HOT
Moon: HOT. So I wanna know how the tatt happens. Does it just appear after he phases for the first time? Or is it like a pack initiation thing where they all go to Port Angeles in an Eddie’s van and get one.
Calliope: they get wasted and naked (since they phase) and then they get tatted
Moon: HAHAHAHA they end up naked together in a van
Calliope: in the neighboring town
Moon: and the whole tribe is wondering whats gotten into the boys?!
Calliope: each other- that’s whats gotten into them
Moon: wondering if they’re experimenting from stuff the see on the interwebs nowadays
Calliope: What happens when they all phase simultaneously? In a big jumbled heap…things are touched…they get curious
UC: there is only one Leah-  They can’t help it if Sam & Paul wanna snuggle
Moon: Dude dogs hump their dog friends all the time- so theyre just trying it out
UC: so true. That’s why Bella is all grown up. She keeps getting humped by dogs

posterWe’ll steal the book

UC: Can we discuss how I don’t think i’ll buy this book, since I already own one, but I would be interested in the exclusive poster?
Moon: if it’s a the naked pack in a van
UC: I will shell out the 7 bucks for the paperback for SURE for the naked van pic
Calliope: let’s got to borders and steal the exclusive poster out of the books
UC: that’s what I was thinking
Calliope: and if we get caught we can just act like we didn’t notice
UC: right
Moon: and run out and jump in Eddies van- he has it idling
Calliope: bc we are old enough to be believed that we wouldn’t steal the poster
UC: exactly. it was an accident. it fell out. and into Eddie’s van
Calliope: yes I’ll bring a van from work that day (with the poster sized poster taped on the side- so we know which one is Eddie’s van) You know, in case there are multiple vans in the lot- wouldn’t want to hop in Solomon’s van
Moon: Who doesn’t drive their molester van to Borders to pick up the new movie companion? Solomon’s van would be easy to spot- it has “home depot delivery” on the side

Solomon Trimble
Calliope: that kid is odd
Moon: poor Solomon! I love making fun of him
UC: I wanna interview him
Calliope: he’ll ask to sleep on your floor if you do interview him. Are you prepared for that?
Moon: I’ll send him over to Cathy Hardwicke’s. I’m sure she could use a good romp in the hay
Calliope: Oh dear. you know Hardi tapped that.
Moon: Cathy loves em’ young
UC: Hardi SO tapped Trimble. Such a cougar
Calliope: Definitely. She wore a semi see-through skirt to the MTV Music awards. She DEFINITELY tapped Solomon
UC: And she m-bates to Rob. not that I’m judging. Cuz I’ve read late night fanfic
Moon: She wore Jamaican vacation braids to the golden globes- there’s NOTHING Cathy won’t do

(just in case you forgot.. here it is again!)

(just in case you forgot.. here it is again!)

The Tent

Moon: Can I just add that this is a WAY better pic of jacob/taylor
UC: He looks awesome
Calliope: you think Jacob’s pitching a tent behind Bella?
Moon: He actually looks like the cute, sweet best friend
UC: Who also wants to do her. Sometimes… I kinda wish they got it on. DON’T JUDGE ME.
Moon: me too
UC: I mean, I’m totally Team Edward, but I LOVE that tent scene in Eclipse
Moon: Sutty Bella would have. She needs to sample all the flavors
UC: and I could totally have Edward leave for a bit (in the tent scene) just to try it out
Moon:  If she does him she needs to do him in New Moon, not Eclipse
Calliope: I’m trying to think about it- yeah she’d have to have hit it in NM
UC: they can pitch a tent in NM. By the rabbit. And he can pitch his tent in her
Calliope: see I don’t feel bad for Jacob because I’m pretty sure all those times he had to lift “hurt” Bella up, he copped a feel
Moon: and when he “ran” her to the camp site in eclipse- he was totally copping a feel
UC: grazing the ass
Calliope: or like if she was passed out from the exhausting of the “mind effing,” he totally lifted the shirt and snuck a peak
UC: and was disappointed. clearly. As were the gaffers for this photo-shoot
Calliope: I bet a lot of people copped feels during the “black days” of Bella, but I don’t get it…because she was all depressed and not eating… so how’d senior Bella get the curves… unless.. Senior Bella totally went on birth control
Calliope: because she thought she and Edward were gonna do it. Then he left, and she still took the pills
UC: that’s it! ding ding ding
Calliope: cuz she was planning on slutting it out, once she could function
Moon: she had a whole high school of boys to work her way through
Calliope: until Eddie showed up in her head that night at the movies
UC: with his van
Calliope: she was planning on gang banging all the boys, then Eddie showed up and got all possessive and what have you…and totally effed up her plan
Moon: and she got pissed and jumped in the van
Calliope: so the whole book she was trying to ditch Eddie so she could eff whoever she wanted

Bed in van

Eddie & Bella get it on here

Moon: and they had angry sex on the shag carpeting
Calliope: exactly
UC: Calli, you know an astonishing amount about creeper vans. For that I’m grateful…

NewMoon Book cover credit to

It haven’t even read the completed post yet, but so far the draft for Moon’s LTR post today had me almost pee my pants. Go die now

Didn’t realize Calliope was such a hilarious gal? You’ll love Twilight Theatre. Join the forum now

Don’t forget to vote for your fav TwiPorn thru tomorrow night for our sorority: Wanna Tapa Vampa.

He's watching you...

He's watching you...

95 Responses

  1. […] you pulled from Microsoft Publisher 1995 and threw a drop shadow on.Wasn’t Taylor lockjaw and Bella’s slutty shirt and Eddie’s van enough the first time around? I’m looking forward to what you have up your sleeve for […]

  2. […] haven’t had feelings about a poster this strongly since the last time we broke one down where slutty “Wal-mart Cami” Bella came into our lives. I miss those days… She looks so… grown up here. This is Ann Taylor Bella. And I […]

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