It’s a Twilight Father’s Day

To all the Twilight daddy’s: Carlisle Cullen, Billy Black, Charlie, Harry Clearwater, Big-Daddy Lautner & Edward,

A big HAPPY FATHER’S DAY to the whole group of you from Moon & I.  We love you all so much, we couldn’t pick one fav to write to today so we’re writing to you all (just kidding, Big Daddy-Lautner, you know you’re our fav).  Actually your kids are writing to you because we have our own daddys to take care of (although ours aren’t as cool as a vampire, Native American, cop or McDonald’s spokesperson…)

Enjoy your day! Go on over to Harry’s and grill out with his famous fish fry!
<3, UC & Moon

carlisleDear Carlisle,

Edward: Thank you for saving me from the Spanish Influenza & capturing my 17 year old perfection for eternity. Thank you for your encouragement to stay strong and not kill my beloved Bella &, of course, for the rockin’ sex tips. Although next time, I’d prefer it if you’d not get so detailed on how much Esme, my mother, likes to do that there.

Rosalie: Thank you, Carlisle, for changing my darling Emmett after he was attacked by that bear.  I’ll be honest I’m not crazy about how all that shit when down with Edward.  Why the hell didn’t you prep him first and convince him to love me? Also, I’ll deep down hate you forever for turning me into a vampire in the first place. Couldn’t you have let me die? F*ck y Oh yeah, this isn’t about me. Happy Father’s day Dad…

Emmett: Thanks for my smokin’ hot girl, Rose. And for that tip on how much mom likes that there- now Rose does too!

Alice & Jasper: (UC note: Uh, we couldn’t exactly find Alice & Jasper…. seems Jasper may have recently had a conversation with you, Carlisle? Something about something somewhere…..?)

Carlisle might be the reason we have Edward & so we’re the most grateful to him, but he’s not the only daddy! See all the other letters after the jump!

Photos-from-Gil-Birmingham-Billy-Black-twilight-series-1616340-640-480Dear Billy Black,

Jacob: Yo’ dad. You’re da bomb! Thanks for ‘keepin’ it real’ and ‘gettin’ down the kids.’ Even though it’s really embarrassing and basically ruins my game with the girls (or one in particular….) Anyway, I love you man, and I’m so glad we have each other- I hope you’ll be ‘still dancin’ for a long time to come.

Dear Charlie,

Bella: Thanks for being a great dad, Charlie:  For not shooting Edward with that gun when you first met him…For letting me run away from home despite being only 17 years old and it being late at night.  For allowing me to marry Edward even though I was just a teenager. And for barely even having a freak-out and actually buying the story Carlisle told you of me having a sickness when I was actually preggers with a half-vampire baby.  Oh, and for trusting Jacob, even after he transformed into a wolf in front of you. You seemed to just chalk it up as something normal (“That’s Normal,” you said). Oh! And for the purple bedspread… “Purple’s cool.”

Dear Harry Clearwater,

Seth & Leah: Dad we miss you. And your famous fish fry. Can’t wait to see you again someday. PS: A “pale face” is boinking mom.

taylorhockey02Dear Big Daddy,

Taylor: Dad, today you get a day off! Yep, that’s right. Today is yours. You don’t have to worry about watching out for me. Do whatever you like- Feel like driving thru McDonalds for breakfast, lunch and dinner? I’m not gonna stop you. Want to grab a late night frosty and some fries to dip in it at Wendy’s? Be my guest! Even if you set your alarm for 3 am and drive 35 miles to the closest 24 hour Arbys for their curly fries, I won’t say a thing. I promise to not pester you about your weight for an entire day- in fact you won’t hear from me at all today.  (No, I won’t be with a Disney chick- I learned my lesson last time- they’re all talk- no play) Monday we’re back on the treadmill though, okay? Cuz I just know sometime soon on the night I finally get a girl to hack the hog, I’m gonna get interrupted with the “heart-attack” call. I’m not saying I won’t be by your bedside in the hospital, Dad, I’m just saying I’m gonna be pretty pissed (and not to mention horny). Happy Dad’s Day, Big Daddy. Love you like a fat girl loves, well, like you love Fish-o-filet sammys….

Dear Edward,

It’s us again (UC & Moon) Ya know, since Reneeseme can’t talk. But since she can communicate with touch, we’re going to do the same… So if you’d hold really still…we’re just going to try one thing…

Happy Father’s Day to all the Unicorns too!

Dick Pattinson gets his very own letter over on LTR

The Forum is a fun place for dads!

27 Responses

  1. You guys are freaking fantastic!!!!!!!!! LMFAO

  2. NICE!!

  3. Thanks for the laughs! I’ve been reading sad Edward and Bella pR0n all night long and crying buckets o’tears so I really needed the frivolity!

    Off to take care of my babies’ daddy! He’s got the trifecta going on — his birthday was the 18th, today is Father’s Day and it’s also our 29th wedding anniversary. We’re gonna celebrate!

    I wonder how he feels about re-enacting happy Edward and Bella pR0n…

  4. Oh Crap! Its fathers day! I totally forgot …opps… thanks for the reminder…

  5. crap need to go to the store to get a fathers day card. had a lot on my mind… going to see 100 monkeys tonight in lancaster for my big 29+1 birthday celebration.

  6. Bahaha. This is greaat. You two are hilarious!

  7. Hahaha… “So if you’d hold really still…we’re just going to try one thing…” Priceless! *sigh*

  8. I love that everytime we get the pic of Big Daddy on his i-phone, we get that hilarious blonde woman, too. I don’t know why she cracks me up so much.

    Happy Father’s day Unicorns! I’m off to phone Daddy La Push, now.

  9. ‘PS: A “pale face” is boinking mom.’
    Class as always Class…..
    Love the Happy Father’s Day messages… hard day for some of us and this brought smiles and laughter Thanks Girls ❤ you

  10. that last one is just great! :)))

  11. OMG i died at the “pale face” comment, and rosealies letter, the purple bedspread, AAANNND of course everything about big daddy.

    ps HACK THE HOG?!! not theres one i havent heard!


    LOVES IT! ❤ this was great!

  13. UC and Moon, you guys are amazing! the letters had me ROFL’ing!

  14. Bahahahahahaha!
    Frigging hilarious.
    Possibly one of my most faves 😛


  15. Oh, I loved this so much! I’m crying tears of laughter at this very moment. I had to call my sister in from another room just so I could read each one out loud to her.

    You guys are amazing!!

  16. OMG! That was hilarious! I loved Rosalie’s! And how Bella’s was like “thanks for not freaking out when you saw Jacob as a wolf!” You guys should have your own talk show!!!

    • our own talk show?!

      YEA!!!!!! sign us up. and then we’ll freak out when we actually have to talk on camera! can we blog a talk show?

      • Podcasts are an option – easier to do when you two are split up across the continent.

        EF&WF too. (BIDVFS-podcasts would be a piddle-in-my-pants-onslaught-of-hilarity)

        I would tune in religiously….

  17. “Emmett: Thanks for my smokin’ hot girl, Rose. And for that tip on how much mom likes that there- now Rose does too!”

    Ack I almost sent water flying out my nose. You guys are great!

  18. “Dear Edward,

    It’s us again (UC & Moon) Ya know, since Reneeseme can’t talk. But since she can communicate with touch, we’re going to do the same… So if you’d hold really still…we’re just going to try one thing…”

    Well, that was an excellent closure.. 😉

    Though, it is quite difficult to imagine Edward as a father, specially since I refused to read BD. But I bet he’d be all kinds of cute teaching Reneesme how to… I don’t know, play the piano or something…. anything that Jacob hasn’t taken upon himself to teach her. Which is all kinds of wrong, but I digress.

    Great post!

  19. UC and Moon – I love you guys, I really do! You crack me up EVERY TIME!

  20. I can’t stop laughing at this!

  21. Hack the Hog and Pale Face–LOL! Great post!

    So glad you remembered Harry, Billy, and Big Daddy on your blog. I wish I did.

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