The Twilosophy of fandom

Dear fans of stuff,

Today I want to discuss crazy fans. Boy do I have lots of stories! We shared a few of our favorite crazy e-mails we’ve received awhile back on LTR and since then have just been hoarding them for our own personal collection.  Every few days when we’re feeling particularly low, we open up that folder and read what the crazies have to say.  Then we pray and thank the Lord that we are not like them. (With all the praying we’ve been doing, we’re sure to get the best seats in Heaven!)


Hot girls bother them at dinner

Hot girls bother them at dinner

What I want to know is how a normal person turns into a crazy person.  I don’t need to understand why a crazy person acts crazy- it’s their nature! But how do you explain when an attractive, successful driven-woman loses her cool? I’m not even talking about the mothers who leave their families to stalk the Vancouver set(s) for days on end and think it’s a “coincidence” when they keep bumping into ALL the cast members (FYI- it’s not a coincidence when you’re purposely stalking their hotels, restaurants and hang out places) or get offended when security guards take THEIR picture with their cell phones (Which, by the way, was so that they could text YOUR picture to all the other security guards so that you are put on the “she’s crazy- don’t let her near Rob- list”)


Actually, no he doesn't...

Actually, no he doesn't... (click if you dare)

No, I’m talking about the people who seem normal in MOST areas of their lives, but it might just be one little thing.  They have great jobs, a great boyfriend or husband, maybe some cute kids and a dog, but their kids are named “Emmet Edward” and “Jacob Embry.” And what about the unicorn who is attractive and talented, yet keeps saying he was “touched real” by Twilight? Oh, and what does it mean when that normal woman whose young boys were mentioned above is pregnant and has named the little girl in her womb Bella Rose?

Seriously? What does it mean? Help me find out, after the jumpa

You're gonna regret that decision

You're gonna regret that decision

Ya know how Moon & I run our two blogs, Letters to Rob & Letters to Twilight? And you know how we’re kinda funny and really sarcastic and rarely say anything serious unless it’s about Buttcrack Santa (may he rest in peace) or Twilosophical? Well, sometimes and somehow, seemingly normal people get this impression that we ARE Rob or we ARE Twilight (Which brings up a future twilosophical question- when these people write “Dear Twilight” in an email, WHO do they think they are writing to? Cuz when I write “Dear Twilight” on LTT, I usually mean the maintence guy who cleans Rob’s trailer’s toilet)


Sometimes it’s clear that the writer of one of these e-mails is too young to understand the humor that is LTT/LTR. For example, this girl asked Rob, “I just have one question, would you ever fall in love with someone that lives in a small town, like where i live? let me know before March 19, 2009. i am trying out for the varsity squad at my high school.” I don’t think she’s crazy. I just think she is young and misguided. So are the girls who ask “Rob” for his cell phone number (I always write back and give them that reject hotline number) and the ones who ask him to clarify “if you’re going out with a girl named X on Saturday because she’s my best friend and she says you are but I don’t believe her so I need to know if she’s lying.” (I did not make a mistake, I meant to say “ones.” We have received an email like that at least 20-25 times)


'If I scream the LOUDEST, Rob will love me the BESTEST"

'If I scream the LOUDEST, Rob will love me the BESTEST"

The people I really don’t understand are the ones who write “Rob” or “Twilight” long rambling e-mails about their lives. I learn so much about the writer(s) this way.  And I always come away thinking- “wow.. that person has an interesting life.. I kinda want their life.. but OH MY GOSH.. they just TOLD ROBERT PATTINSON ALL ABOUT IT” and that, my friends, is CRAZY.  How can Normal people be SO secretly CRAZY!?  Does anyone else struggle understanding the diacodomy here? Why would a super attractive, normal-looking woman send an e-mail to “Rob” that she found on a website that CLEARLY isn’t connected to Rob and included an attractive picture of herself and her cute cat.  Does she think that Rob will take her up on her offer for oral pleasure? Does she not realize that instead of Rob printing out her picture and hanging it over his bed, I forwarded it to The Quad and EastFriend said the following zinger:

I looked up the word “Deluded” in Webster’s and her picture was next to it.  True story.
What is it about Twilight, Robert Pattinson and just things or celebrities in general that people obsess over that brings out the crazy in otherwise normal people? And is my one little crazy thing in my otherwise normal life running these blogs? No, that can’t be it. Plus Moon is the crazy one of the two of us. On the contest LaurensBite had the other day to decide who was the hottest between Rob, Chris Pine & Zac Gayfron, Moon considered choosing Chris*! That’s up there on the crazy meter with the Pattinson Tattoo!
In conclusion, I understand when people who are a little ‘off’ act crazy. That’s Normal. And I understand when young girls who don’t “get it” say off things. That’s Normal. But I do not and cannot understand when normal people act like crazy people. That’s not Normal.
In loving memory of Buttcrack Santa,
This is called a discussion- now we all participate!

I did not make ONE of those stories up. True story (Oh, I lied. I don’t give the young girls the reject hotline #!)

*I allowed Moon to defend herself. Moon: “I considered Chris for a hot second, but I chose Rob in the end! I was blinded by my passions, but true love lasts a life time”

95 Responses

  1. sorry robby roo… i love you till the end of time… or until i see chris pine at lunch again.

    i swear im normal!


    • I feel ashamed that I don’t know who Chris Pine is. Should I?? I’m googling now.


      • The Star Trek guy?? Really?! I’m shaking my head at you, Moon. He’s cute, absolutely, but ….I can’t….I just won’t place him above my Rob.


        • I feel compelled to add he was also swoon-worthy in “Princess Diaries 2″…ok that actually probably doesn’t sound any less dorky than “Star Trek”, but still, just pointing out he’s displayed his hotness outside of Trek.

          ; )

          Rob always wins (especially in Ray Bans or a tux), but Chris is H-O-T too in my opinion.



  2. Tattoo? For real? What’s next…a portrait of Rob’s face that covers your entire back?! Oh shit…I just gave someone the idea!

    That last picture….the one of the ‘overzealous-with-the-merch-wearing-14yr olds’…makes me shudder. No lies. Rob isn’t the only one terrified of unhinged fangirls.

    Wonder if there is a word for that? “fangirlaphobia?” No? I tried.

    • you’ve obviously not seen the cullen crest BACK PIECE someone got. lordy help us.

      • Link please!!!!
        I enjoy LOL my ass off and it’s really comforting that there are people crazier than me =O)

        Brilliant post, BTW!!!

  3. Hehehe, I’ve never seen the Pattinson Tattoo before. OMG that is ridiculous. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that people think this is an outlet connected directly to twilight. Who do they think checks this? Do they think Chris Weitz checks this or Stephanie Meyer? Well I guess with out goofball people like this we wouldn’t have entertainment on Fridays! LOL

    PS The Pattinson tattoo?? I can’t get over that…

  4. Bestest part of this letter?

    “Actually, no he doesn’t.”

    Amen. Truer words have never been written.

    Thank God we are normal. Like…it’s TOTALLY normal to think Chris Pine is hot as hell. And to vote for Jason Statham in the contest over at Lauren’s Bite.

  5. wow….just wow. i didn’t realize how crazy some people are…. they really think they are writing to rob or s meyer? what planet do they live on and more importantly what kind of crack are they smoking cause i want some.

  6. Wow UC and Moon,

    I mean I thought I got it…but after reading some of what you guys “sift” through…I was a bit taken aback. That is some scary shizz.

    Now I am thinking ummmm what category do I fall I have a category. I hope it is a…

    HaHa this is fun and all tongue in cheek, just smiling and having a good time joking around…
    as I am hopelessly and desperately in love with my DH and this is just for kicks CATEGORY.

    Yes, yes that is def my category.

    Just keepin it real,


  7. Ok, I don’t think I am crazy but maybe borderline.

    I was in Publix last night and saw Star magazine (you know, THE most reliable news source) that said Rob was in the VIP room of some strip club. Sooooo….

    Last night was the first time I dreamt of Rob. He was in the VIP room with a dancer…she had Kristen’s face but literally Double J size girls. I think those would be bigger than all the Cullens heads put together.

    He was stuffing $1’s down between them…she probably had like $2’s total. Cause he shops at a Thrift Store…he thought it was a discount VIP room.

    I don’t remember much after that cause I think I started poking my minds eye out….maybe I should stop drinking so much? But…Vodka is good.

    Crazy fans make me feel sane and pity.

    • OMG I LOOOOVVVEEE your comment…made me spill water through my nose when I read it….’He was stuffing $1’s down between them…she probably had like $2’s total. Cause he shops at a Thrift Store…he thought it was a discount VIP room.’ best part of the comment… 🙂

    • thats my favorite rob cover story to look at when im at the grocery or store!! the strippers!! hahaha

  8. First off, I simply adore your two blogs…hilarious and entertaining…and now I can add another adjective, frightening. I cannot beleive how delusional people are! I joke with my friends that I’d leave my DH in a heartbeat to run off with Rob…but I in no way actually think that situation will ever present itself…

    Some of these other girls scare the crap out of me and make me so sad for Rob…the kind of saddness that makes me want to hold him and make him feel all safe and warm 😉

  9. wait a minute. robert pattinson isn´t reading all those posts out loud to the whole twi-cast and they´re not excited about 100000000 screaming fangirls with twilight-tattoos???
    i feel seriously let down now.

  10. Um, Wow. The crazies really are crazy. Thank gawd I ain’t one of them. It just makes me so 2nd-hand embarassed when I see photos like those above with the cast or Rob and they clearly look uncomfortable. *shudder* Why would u do that? Please? Someone esplain it to me?

    *skipping over to LTR then the Forum*

  11. Ok so….I’M TOTALLY NORMAL compared to some of these people…whew!!! Thank God…I may have ‘acute fondness’ for Rob/Twilight but nowhere near to the extent that some of these crazies have!!! LOL Man I ain’t got nothing on some of these looneys! BTW still baffled/speechless at the Pattinson Tattoo…UC you have made my day…thanks I really needed this after a TOUGH week! 🙂

  12. Ditto everything Marta just said, including using the word “esplain” and “*skipping over to LTR then the forum*” I heart being original. It’s the best.

  13. Dear UC,
    I thought that we were going to keep my letter to ROB, a secret. I was naive and thought LetterstoRob meant that they would really get to him. I took that picture of me and my cat in all seriousness. My offer of OS, was sincere for Rob, he doesn’t know what he’s missing. I also tried calling that number you gave me, but it went to some strange automated voice. You must have had a typo. I get it now, you are not Rob, but could you still pass on my picture?


  14. Dear LTT,

    Do you have Rob Pattinson’s cell phone number? Please give it to me so that Rob will fall madly in love with me and my dog.

    Forever Greatful,

  15. the first time i saw the tatoo… i actually liked it!
    am i crazy?

    UC: second part should be “rob/twilight rehab for crazy people”

  16. IMO there are no blurred lines. I don’t want to get all twipsychological here. I think the examples you give are not mentally healthy individuals. Anytime someone becomes obsessive it is problematic — for the person, their family and unfortunately the object of their obsession. Running a blog, or even taking a photo of or with a celebrity *wink* does not bring the crazy.

    What brings the crazy is if you cannot write your blogs or enjoy your celeb-moment and then return to your regularly scheduled life but it becomes all consuming to you. That’s when you need help.

    I see these adult women who stalk the sets and follow Rob (and other celebrities) and I don’t personally understand it. I enjoy the fun and fodder of what I do as Spank but in my real life I have a husband, kids, laundry, dinner, dishes, storytime, etc.

    I don’t just “know” I don’t have a shot with Rob . . . I don’t really want one. I love my life – my REAL life (but Rob, if you are reading this — I just said that so I won’t seem crazy. I’m not crazy; just crazy-hot and ready for you… in a totally normal way, but freaky too. if that’s the way you like it… uh huh uh huh…).

    See, I’m TOTALLY normal. 😉

    xoxo & ❤


    PS: I cannot wait until you reveal the REAL crazy you promise. It better not be a link to my blog…. ;o)

  17. P.S. I kind of enjoy the crazy that is supposedly, in the realm of normal. But I did start the DRUNK ROB = SEXY ROB thread, name a Goggle Bot, found a fictional legal organization, regularly stalk TMZ, and am apparently a sincerely gifted #Drunktweet/Drunk Poster. True Story.

    • Um… can I say that my google search threads are for blog research? Even if we are not doing a post about what Rob did last night. I mean, it’s good to know, right? 😉

    • that must be a first for TMZ. to have people stalk THEM instead of the other way around.

  18. I think I’m pretty normal. I keep the crazy at home. Yes, I’m going to to Twicon, but not to scream at the stars. More to stalk, I mean meet them and try to give them the experience of a normal fan. Plus I want to take pictures and blog about all the crazies there!!

    • I’m right there with you!!! (literally) I know that I can keep the squeeeees in check, but I swear to you I’m going to have the biggest goofy ass grin all weekend long. True story.


  19. Wow. How can you tell the difference between crazy letters and pretending-to-be-crazy letters? I am NOT crazy, but I like a good laugh, and I enjoy laughing at myself and that is what I do here every day. And all the folks here being NORMAL, give me serious giggles, and I love starting my day that way.

    Tattoos, screaming, Twilight shirts, and waiting all day for glimpses of characters/actors, is not my thing. Going to concerts and movies and generally supporting actors/musicians/authors that I like with my wallet, is…..

    Wait, what was the question? What is it about all this that brings out the crazy? I don’t know, but I liken it to rabid sports fans, who paint their faces and sit outside in 10 degree weather and scream and yell and go crazy for their teams, and go bananas when they win, or cry when they lose. It’s kind of the same thing, right? I don’t know. But without the internets, I would never know that what I’m experiencing here is NORMAL.

    That said, I have a question: Since I am into supporting actors(gods) that I enjoy, I am going to see Little Ashes tmw with my gay BFF. Should I warn him about The Tuck? He know nothing about the movie, other than my lover is playing Dali…..

    • @LaPush Baby

      Oh, I ❤ you! In a non-crazy-blog-stalker-ish-way! You just always comment what I am thinking…in a much better way. 🙂

      • awwww, LiLi, I not-crazy-blog-stalker<3 you back! Since I am often commenting here with my first cup of coffee in hand, my articulate-ness (is that even a word?) is not always top-notch….glad it’s intelligible to someone!!


  20. Lol lol lol you should most definitely give out the reject hotline in the future.

  21. I can’t believe you DON’T give them the reject hotline number! They deserve it for being so stupid. I can’t believe that there are (young or old) girls out there that think these letters are truly going to Rob himself. That just blows my mind.

    Loved this letter and I don’t think I could get my shocked mouth to close the entire time reading it…well, until you said you don’t give them the reject number then I said “WHAT?!” just like Rob. You should.


  22. LMAO!!!! Girls I feel the same way, my man thinks I have lost it for reading the books, blog’s, and looking up fun extra stuff on the cast, but if he only knew some of the CRAZY stuff people do, like this one chick saw him and got a pick with him, but instead of walking away she FOLLOWED him around the corner giggling, and then asked if he would take another, because he blinked LOL! The really sad part was that she was proud of what she had done. POOR ROBERT! LTT/LTR you all are rock’n chick’s, thank you for all the funny! BTW, at blogspot, Twilightwidower shows you a a great side of the Twilight mania

    • i keep hearing about this twilight widower, i’ll have to check them out

      • He is HILARIOUS. I showed the blog to my husband and he said it was as if he KNEW what he felt like. LOL They shared a moment…

      • Please let us know what you think about the blog, I cannot wait to hear what you thought about his list of “people” that can destroy Edward… Too funny and please make sure you read the benifit’s, you will never think about a boat in the same way! Just ask if you did not find it! Happy Reading

        • I’ve already put this blog to favourites a couple of days ago. It is funny, i really like the
          ” Why Must We Drive Downtown to Buy Milk?”

          *Twilight Fangirl World Headquarters
          (alternately known as downtown Vancouver).* —-> this is hilarious!

          And his wife is totally normal!
          I would be the same if living in Robcouver.

          • Hee! When I read “Why Must We Drive Downtown to Buy Milk” my first thought was ‘If I was married and we lived in Vancouver I’d think my husband was writing this blog…’

            That’s one of my favorite entries next to the top 10 guys that could kick Edward’s ass.

  23. I wrote LTT a letter but I swear I knew who was actually receiving it. Yeah I was the one that used Twilight as an excuse for why I haven’t exercised in 6 months when my doctor asked what I was doing to stay active. I think it’s a legit and NORMAL excuse. More importantly my doctor concurred.

    • that was a great letter! we can tell the difference b/t ppl who write “Dear Twilight” and know they’re writing to a BLOG vs. those that say “Dear Twilight” and think they’re writing to someone named Twilight

  24. Is it wrong to be jealous of all the crazy letters you get??? I mean, that there alone would be a really, really good reason to keep this blog up. I image all the “shut-up-no-they-didn’t-write-that!” kind of moments that you guys get and all the awesomeness of laughing at it all.

    Basically– I ❤ you guys! There. I said it. Enough mush now. Must return to finishing my own pattinson pants.

    • LiLi,
      We must be kindred spirits, because I almost wrote in MY comment that I was sort of jealous of the crazy letters they get! No joke! They must be so fun to read!

      ….. (then I thought that I might be crazy for thinking that, let alone saying it, (out loud)–BUT NO! if someone else here thinks it, then that’s NORMAL, whew, not wrong)

      PS If you need to borrow my bedazzler to finish your pants, let me know, I am almost done with my Isle Esme wreath, so you could have it for a while.

  25. My unborn fetus-child’s name is Nessie.

    Don’t hate.

    • @ LAUREN – oh no you didnt! LOL – please don’t name your unborn fetus-child after the loch ness monster. kthnxby

    • @Lauren

      Sweeeet name..but if you get any Native Americans males who are shape shifters hanging around the crib…you know you might want to…I dunno MOVE.

      I’m just sayin,


  26. I call this special brand of Twi fans “deludiniod”. If you’ve ever seen Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion, they use that to describe crazos.

    The word definitely applies here.

  27. Ok, I had to come out of the shadows to just tell you how much I love your blogs. I adore you both and cannot thank you enough for making me laugh my fool head off every day.

    Faithfully yours,


    p.s. – Tell Rob I said hi.

  28. Hmm.. I had been planning on having Rob’s face tattooed onto my cleavage, stalking him around NYC this summer, having him sign the tattoo then having his autograph tattooed, but you have made me realize that would probably be a mistake. And a little crazy. I have seen the error of my ways. I’ll get it on my bum instead.

    Thank you, Rob! Err, Twili- err… UC and Moon!

    • Jodie, maybe you should get the back of Rob’s head tattooed on to your cleavage. Constant motorboat fun, no?

      I could also think of something besides his face to get tattooed on your bum… Though this may not be the time or place for that suggestion.

    • Jodie, you still want to consider having Rob tattooed on to your cleavage, but maybe the back of his head would be more appropriate. Constant motorboat fun, no?

      If you still decide to go with the bum tattoo, I can think of a different part of Rob to tattoo there.

      …Did I take that too far?

  29. Thank you for writing this! NOW I can send it to my husband so he will TRULY understand that we are all really making fun of ourselves, in a healthy (??) way and just being a little wacky. Srsly. We’re just having fun, we really DO understand that Vampires Aren’t Real, and that we cannot leave our husbands/boyfriends for Edward (although if we could, we would try!)

    Thanks for making me laugh, as always!

  30. Anyone who has seen’ How to lose a guy in ten days’ The part when she has the “Our Family” Photo book, with what the kids would look like…. So instead of a tat, you could come up with one of those and follow Rob around New York, getting him to sign the thing, LMAO, Just the look on his face would be worth it! Although you would never be able to any where near him again.

    • Dear god, that would be so creepy. BUT if I did, then he’d have to ask my name for the restraining order and I’m sure after that he would fall madly in love with me, right? It’s flawless plan.

  31. @JodieO,

    LOL, Yes that would be a Flawless plan, He would be so taken with your creative mind he would look past how very, very wrong it should be! I swear I won’t tell him it was my idea…

    • Don’t worry, Sara. While the police are hauling me off and TMZ is snapping photos I’ll be sure to give you and everyone else on LTT/LTR credit for helping me hatch such a plan. =)

  32. Jodie, I have another, this one takes a LITTLE bit more work… You could learn to play the gituar, or any instument in that case, stalk small pubs (b/c pubs are better) and everyone knows it! This way you can pretend you are NOT a CRAZY stalker, and then he could fall madly in love with you. Great plan, with none of those darn restraining orders.

    Bye the bye, I cant spell worth a darn, so please forgive me!!!

    • Hrm… Interesting idea, Sara… however, considering my unfortunate lack of musical skills I’m afraid I will have to label that one as Plan B.

      • Yes, well that’s why I said it would take a little bit extra work, but that could help in your favor, needing some “extra special time” to help you be a better musican….men always love it when you let them teach you something! Anywho, just a thought!

  33. I think people can overcome their craziness. Take me for example. In high school I was WAY obsessed with N*Sync. I even went to their concert and almost cried. Why? I have no fucking clue. But I overcame it. I can proudly write that I am no longer in love with Lance Bass (and btw I TOTALLY said he’ll turn out to be gay one day).

    NOW I love Twilight. I am a bit crazed with it but I don’t think I would burst into tears if I saw the cast. I might smile like an idiot and my heart might beat like a racehorse but I could TOTALLY handle myself.

    Ya hear that Rob? I know you’re reading this since it’s YOUR blog and all. I can handle myself and by god I could handle YOU. Call me K?

  34. Geez, never thought that those moms are uber-crazy with Rob — the darling of all seasons. Hahaha!

    Anyways, just wanna share what I’ve bought from — which are good gifts and I think — a must have for all twilight fans. Go check this out. 🙂

    Anyways, it was a brilliant post. You make readers to love Twilight more than they can love it. Cheers!

  35. I totally heart what you guys do here & on LTR, as well as the other Twilight-related sites I frequent. I love knowing that there are others out there thinking the same things as I am & also coming up with the most hilarious shizz that, no lies, has me laughing out loud in my cubicle at work even though I’ve been repeatedly told that our usage of the interweb is monitored & I could get in serious trouble for visiting non-work-related sites (usually I can hold out till at least Wed afternoon or Thurs morning before my obsession gets the best of me & I’m checking LTT, LTR, Lauren’s Bite, Twilight Guy & the Lexicon to ease the withdrawal). Okay enough of the run-on sentence. I like to think that I am, for the most part, able to keep the crazy in check. Yes, there are some who think that all I ever talk about is Twilight & probably wouldn’t put it past me to actually fly out to Van City for some serious stalkage like I’ve been threatening, but in the end know that it’s all in good fun (except for maybe the time I came into work all jittery & anxious the day after I finished Twilight b/c the ballet studio stuff had me so riled up that I couldn’t get to sleep & was worried that the rest of the books I’d ordered off of Amazon wouldn’t arrive in time for me to start reading when I got home from work… but luckily they did). Jeez Louise, there’s just no stopping the word vomit all of a sudden. Seriously, I know it’s been said many times before, but it really does make me feel better to know there are others out there like me & even better that there are others out there way crazier than me.

    Keep on doing what you do ’cause it is most awesome! And I’ll keep coming back for more.

    Peace, luv & puppy dogs,

    P.S. Luv me some Rob, but my vote is for Jackson as the hottest hottie ever to melt my heart.

  36. man,bitches be crazy.
    granted, i never realized HOW crazy.
    feel so bad for rob but i totes agree with that caption “actually, he doesn’t” hahaha

  37. Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy. ~ Nora Ephron

    One of my favorite quotes!
    I bet you are loving yourself long time for coming up with the blog concept of letter writing to Twilight and Rob. If you hadn’t picked those blog names you wouldn’t be getting AS many people writing to “Twilight” and “Rob”. Thank you for the daily posts!

  38. can somebody please answer a question for me.. Is rob wearing a wig in pic ?????
    because it sure looks like it .

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